Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Axe Cop Saves God - full transcript
After Axe Cop's ham restaurant comes under attack by hell demons, he must venture to Heaven to protect God from Satan's forces.
Buenas tardes, Doctor Maracas!
Hya!
Argh!
Yeah! You did it.
Now let's go eat
some birthday cake.
Oh yeah, nothing like a celebratory
piece of birthday cake
after a successful
bad guy massacre.
I'm so sorry, darling, we are
fresh out of birthday cake.
Impossible! Every
day is my birthday!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait!
- How's the ham?
- Eh. It's pretty decent.
Hey, maybe you should
try the ham, Axe Cop?
They say change is good.
I know ham is good.
No! I don't like
trying new things!
Just take a bite, buddy.
If you don't like it,
- you don't have to finish it.
- You're Axe Cop!
Fine. I'll try it.
Um, we would me gusta four quatros of
your most bueno hammos, por favor.
Here's your ham, boys.
Yes!
Ack.
Hmm... Mmm... Mm-mmm!
- So, you like it?
- I don't just like it, I love it!
I love ham so much that
from this day forward,
I'm going to dedicate my life
to the enjoyment of ham!
Because ham is even better
than birthday cake!
One day, at the
scene of the fire,
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
_
So, he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
_
_
I will chop your heads off!
I've built the world's
greatest ham restaurant
here in Washington, DC, the
ham capital of America.
May I introduce Chef Philip, the
greatest ham cook on Earth.
Oh, ooh-la-la, you are
too kind, Axe Cop.
You have really fallen hard
for the swine, my friend.
Ahem. A ham toast.
To ham!
- This is amazing.
- Keep it coming, Chef Philip.
Because we're never leaving.
Ugh, I didn't know I
could eat that much ham.
It's just a shame all
those pigs had to die.
Oh, we don't kill them. We
only take the hind legs.
The pigs get little carts.
You're adorable!
In the name of God, put
down that ham immediately!
Seriously, God told
me to tell you that.
He sent me here. We're friends.
No big deal.
Explain yourself, chicken man.
My name is Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
My power is the ability to
shoot chickens out of my brain
when I close my eyes.
This is my story.
There was a time when
I wasn't a good guy.
I was a bad guy.
Back then I used my
powers to commit crime.
Police! Police!
My powers weren't strong
enough to get away,
Not even from the normal police.
And so I went to prison
a very angry person
who did not believe in God.
Then, one day,
I decided I didn't want
to be a bad guy anymore.
And my life started to change.
I volunteered to work
with homeless people.
I told them if they'd
agree to take a shower
and get a job, I would
give them each a chicken.
I became such a good guy
that they let me out early.
From that day on, I've
been God's friend
- and I fight for him!
- Wow, that is a powerful story.
Too bad your powers
don't involve ham.
You could save this place
some serious overhead.
- Am I right?
- So, what are you doing here?
Have you looked outside lately?!
What the heck?
While you were enjoying
your delicious ham,
Satan and his demons have
taken control of the Earth!
Welcome to Axe Ham, hell beast.
I hope you like ham,
because this is about
to be your last supper!
There are too many of them!
Eating the bad guys is
making them bigger!
Let's start killing them!
No, Axe Cop, Earth
is a lost cause!
Satan's preparing to march on Heaven.
We must go there now and protect it.
How are we gonna get to Heaven?
I have no idea, 'cause that's not easy.
I mean, I'm not ashamed
to say that I've done some
very questionable things in...
Shush. Go on, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
We all hold hands and pray.
Dear God, my friend,
please take us
to Heaven so we can help
you fight Satan. Amen.
Bring me all the
evil in the capital!
So hungry!
Now for my ultimate weapon!
So pointy.
- Axe Cop, it's beautiful.
- I know. Where's God?
Maybe I can help with that.
God?
No. I'm your real dad that
you don't know about.
That's impossible. Bobber
Smartist was my dad.
He died from eating
poisoned candy canes.
I'm sure he's here somewhere.
Dad! Daddy! Dad, where are you?!
Sorry, son. Bobber and
Gobber Smartist are not
your real parents, and
you are not from Earth.
Let me tell you your
actual origin story,
The one nobody ever knew about.
The planet you're from was destroyed.
You escaped in a meteor.
Your mother and I had placed
you in there to save you.
When your meteor crashed into the
Earth, you were thrown from it.
You hit your head so hard
you went into a baby coma
and forgot everything.
When you woke up, your
instincts kicked in.
You began to hunt for food.
Operatives from the
adoption agency found you.
Chopper to base,
chopper to base.
Got an orphan down
below, bringing him in.
Soon after, you were
adopted by the Smartists.
They were gonna tell you but
eventually they forgot.
Sometimes old people
forget things.
That was boring. Is it
time to talk to God yet?
Yes. It's time to talk to God.
God, Axe Cop and his
team have arrived.
Welcome Axe Cop.
As you know, Satan and his demons
are trying to attack Heaven.
God? You're a girl? But all
girls are on the dumb list.
I have no gender. This
is simply my voice.
I just picked the best voice.
- Wrong. I have the best...
- Quiet!!!
I need you to defend
this sacred place.
To help, I will give you and your
team angel wings for one day.
Also golden-bladed chainsaws.
Upgrades, yes!
We will gladly fight for you.
But first, I would like to ask you one
important question while we're talking.
Of course.
Is ham the greatest
food ever made?
Eh, it's pretty decent.
Yes! I knew it. God,
we're ready for battle.
Here you go. Bloop.
It's time to kill Satan!
He's got the Washington
Monument, the sharpest
- monument of all!
- That could really hurt som...
Oh! I bet he's gonna
use it to stab God!
How are we supposed
to fight that?
Yah! Stop right there, Satan!
Axe Cop? I've heard about you.
Somehow I expected you to be bigger.
Pathetic!
Is that the best
you've got, God?
I'm coming for you, old friend.
He's too big! What
are we gonna do?
The way I figure it is, if the
devil got big eating bad guys,
then you can get big
eating good guys.
I already thought of that.
- That's my boy.
- Team, start eating angels!
Son, don't talk with
your mouth full.
I'll try to make this as
painless as possible.
- I wont chew, I'll just swallow.
- Awesome!
Now you get to go
to Heaven-Heaven.
God, I'm here for
you, scaredy-cat!
Now face me!
Ha! Those horns are funny.
Are you supposed to be like
a scary ram or something?
Ooh, I'm so scared of Satan.
You will be scared when
I put this monument
through your stupid,
glowing head!
This is for kicking
me out of Heaven!
Mr. Chicken-Chickenslice, you
shoot chickens at that monument!
I'll go after Satan!
But I'll never hit a moving target
that fast with my eyes closed!
That's why God gave you ears, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
Let your ears be your eyes.
Flute Cop, take it away.
Nooo!
- I hope you like hell, Satan!
- Huh?
And also dying! Hya!
Timber!
Thanks for saving me, Axe Cop.
I'd like to present you with
a gift for a job well done.
My word, God.
You sure do grow some
large pigs in Heaven.
We do. They're very happy here.
It was great seeing you, son.
You've grown up to be a
really good Axe Cop. So long.
Okay, goodbye.
You're adorable!
Hya!
Argh!
Yeah! You did it.
Now let's go eat
some birthday cake.
Oh yeah, nothing like a celebratory
piece of birthday cake
after a successful
bad guy massacre.
I'm so sorry, darling, we are
fresh out of birthday cake.
Impossible! Every
day is my birthday!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait!
- How's the ham?
- Eh. It's pretty decent.
Hey, maybe you should
try the ham, Axe Cop?
They say change is good.
I know ham is good.
No! I don't like
trying new things!
Just take a bite, buddy.
If you don't like it,
- you don't have to finish it.
- You're Axe Cop!
Fine. I'll try it.
Um, we would me gusta four quatros of
your most bueno hammos, por favor.
Here's your ham, boys.
Yes!
Ack.
Hmm... Mmm... Mm-mmm!
- So, you like it?
- I don't just like it, I love it!
I love ham so much that
from this day forward,
I'm going to dedicate my life
to the enjoyment of ham!
Because ham is even better
than birthday cake!
One day, at the
scene of the fire,
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
_
So, he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
_
_
I will chop your heads off!
I've built the world's
greatest ham restaurant
here in Washington, DC, the
ham capital of America.
May I introduce Chef Philip, the
greatest ham cook on Earth.
Oh, ooh-la-la, you are
too kind, Axe Cop.
You have really fallen hard
for the swine, my friend.
Ahem. A ham toast.
To ham!
- This is amazing.
- Keep it coming, Chef Philip.
Because we're never leaving.
Ugh, I didn't know I
could eat that much ham.
It's just a shame all
those pigs had to die.
Oh, we don't kill them. We
only take the hind legs.
The pigs get little carts.
You're adorable!
In the name of God, put
down that ham immediately!
Seriously, God told
me to tell you that.
He sent me here. We're friends.
No big deal.
Explain yourself, chicken man.
My name is Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
My power is the ability to
shoot chickens out of my brain
when I close my eyes.
This is my story.
There was a time when
I wasn't a good guy.
I was a bad guy.
Back then I used my
powers to commit crime.
Police! Police!
My powers weren't strong
enough to get away,
Not even from the normal police.
And so I went to prison
a very angry person
who did not believe in God.
Then, one day,
I decided I didn't want
to be a bad guy anymore.
And my life started to change.
I volunteered to work
with homeless people.
I told them if they'd
agree to take a shower
and get a job, I would
give them each a chicken.
I became such a good guy
that they let me out early.
From that day on, I've
been God's friend
- and I fight for him!
- Wow, that is a powerful story.
Too bad your powers
don't involve ham.
You could save this place
some serious overhead.
- Am I right?
- So, what are you doing here?
Have you looked outside lately?!
What the heck?
While you were enjoying
your delicious ham,
Satan and his demons have
taken control of the Earth!
Welcome to Axe Ham, hell beast.
I hope you like ham,
because this is about
to be your last supper!
There are too many of them!
Eating the bad guys is
making them bigger!
Let's start killing them!
No, Axe Cop, Earth
is a lost cause!
Satan's preparing to march on Heaven.
We must go there now and protect it.
How are we gonna get to Heaven?
I have no idea, 'cause that's not easy.
I mean, I'm not ashamed
to say that I've done some
very questionable things in...
Shush. Go on, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
We all hold hands and pray.
Dear God, my friend,
please take us
to Heaven so we can help
you fight Satan. Amen.
Bring me all the
evil in the capital!
So hungry!
Now for my ultimate weapon!
So pointy.
- Axe Cop, it's beautiful.
- I know. Where's God?
Maybe I can help with that.
God?
No. I'm your real dad that
you don't know about.
That's impossible. Bobber
Smartist was my dad.
He died from eating
poisoned candy canes.
I'm sure he's here somewhere.
Dad! Daddy! Dad, where are you?!
Sorry, son. Bobber and
Gobber Smartist are not
your real parents, and
you are not from Earth.
Let me tell you your
actual origin story,
The one nobody ever knew about.
The planet you're from was destroyed.
You escaped in a meteor.
Your mother and I had placed
you in there to save you.
When your meteor crashed into the
Earth, you were thrown from it.
You hit your head so hard
you went into a baby coma
and forgot everything.
When you woke up, your
instincts kicked in.
You began to hunt for food.
Operatives from the
adoption agency found you.
Chopper to base,
chopper to base.
Got an orphan down
below, bringing him in.
Soon after, you were
adopted by the Smartists.
They were gonna tell you but
eventually they forgot.
Sometimes old people
forget things.
That was boring. Is it
time to talk to God yet?
Yes. It's time to talk to God.
God, Axe Cop and his
team have arrived.
Welcome Axe Cop.
As you know, Satan and his demons
are trying to attack Heaven.
God? You're a girl? But all
girls are on the dumb list.
I have no gender. This
is simply my voice.
I just picked the best voice.
- Wrong. I have the best...
- Quiet!!!
I need you to defend
this sacred place.
To help, I will give you and your
team angel wings for one day.
Also golden-bladed chainsaws.
Upgrades, yes!
We will gladly fight for you.
But first, I would like to ask you one
important question while we're talking.
Of course.
Is ham the greatest
food ever made?
Eh, it's pretty decent.
Yes! I knew it. God,
we're ready for battle.
Here you go. Bloop.
It's time to kill Satan!
He's got the Washington
Monument, the sharpest
- monument of all!
- That could really hurt som...
Oh! I bet he's gonna
use it to stab God!
How are we supposed
to fight that?
Yah! Stop right there, Satan!
Axe Cop? I've heard about you.
Somehow I expected you to be bigger.
Pathetic!
Is that the best
you've got, God?
I'm coming for you, old friend.
He's too big! What
are we gonna do?
The way I figure it is, if the
devil got big eating bad guys,
then you can get big
eating good guys.
I already thought of that.
- That's my boy.
- Team, start eating angels!
Son, don't talk with
your mouth full.
I'll try to make this as
painless as possible.
- I wont chew, I'll just swallow.
- Awesome!
Now you get to go
to Heaven-Heaven.
God, I'm here for
you, scaredy-cat!
Now face me!
Ha! Those horns are funny.
Are you supposed to be like
a scary ram or something?
Ooh, I'm so scared of Satan.
You will be scared when
I put this monument
through your stupid,
glowing head!
This is for kicking
me out of Heaven!
Mr. Chicken-Chickenslice, you
shoot chickens at that monument!
I'll go after Satan!
But I'll never hit a moving target
that fast with my eyes closed!
That's why God gave you ears, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
Let your ears be your eyes.
Flute Cop, take it away.
Nooo!
- I hope you like hell, Satan!
- Huh?
And also dying! Hya!
Timber!
Thanks for saving me, Axe Cop.
I'd like to present you with
a gift for a job well done.
My word, God.
You sure do grow some
large pigs in Heaven.
We do. They're very happy here.
It was great seeing you, son.
You've grown up to be a
really good Axe Cop. So long.
Okay, goodbye.
You're adorable!