Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bald Cop - full transcript
Axe Cop is forced into hiding by the sinister Hell Chicken, while the world falls ruin to the Hell Chicken Zombie Apocalypse.
My hat is amazing. I wear
it for many reasons.
The star on my hat shoots laser
beams to help me fight bad guys.
It has a freeze ray.
There is a heat ray...
- And a brain melt ray.
- My brain!
There is a grabbing ray
and a cutting ray.
But I also wear my hat to hide
my most embarrassing secret.
I... am bald.
One day, at the scene of the fire
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
_
So he had tryouts and
hired a partner.
_
_
I will chop your heads off!
Right on time, mail guy.
Tell me you're holding a
sweet halloween catalogue!
Nope... I'm holding two.
Oh yeah! You know me
so well, mail guy.
Or should I say, "mail friend"?
Big guy, got some
gun bills for you.
- That's not my name.
- Sockarang,
- jury duty.
- Aw!
- Confetti style!
- Yay!
Axe Cop, here's a bag of fan
mail from single women,
as per ushe. And one
mysterious envelope.
Hmmm.
_
_
Axe Cop, check it out. I'm
gonna be sexy ketchup,
you be sexy mustard.
Hey, Axe Cop, you okay? Your
face looks like it's melting.
Uh... I'm going out to
get some mayonnaise.
What's going on? I thought
he hated mayonnaise.
I cannot figure that guy out.
Is that right?
Good job, little chicky. Axe
Cop won't be a problem now.
I couldn't have done
it without you.
Come here, shh shh.
And now, without Axe
Cop here to stop me,
it's time to summon the Hell
Chicken zombie apocalypse.
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse!
You sure you haven't seen him?
Moustache, cop outfit,
full head of hair,
partially melted face.
No? All right.
Well, I've tried every
mayonnaise store in town
- and no one's seen Axe Cop.
- Don't be such a worry-wart.
Oh no! Zombie!
Lava!
Those aren't just zombies.
Those are Hell Chicken zombies!
Oh no.
Ah, it's got my leg!
My lucky leg!
Grey Diamond, get the desk!
I've been bit.
I'm gonna change into a
Hell Chicken zombie.
Quick! We're gonna
to have to amputate!
- Amputate?!
- Grey, hold him down.
This is going to be
the worst experience
you've ever had in
your life, pain-wise.
No no no no...
The whole world is being attacked
by Hell Chicken zombies...
from hell. And people are wondering
where the heck is Axe Cop?
Look! A gold TV!
Shh!
Oh man, it's Axe Cop.
I got a great idea. Go kill him.
Me? No no. You go kill him.
I-I tried to kill him last time.
All right fine. Let's
go kill him together.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot.
- Surprise!
- What the heck?!
Axe Cop, come in. This
your attack decoy.
Make it quick, attack decoy,
I'm watching "Uncle Axe."
I have two more dead bad
guys coming your way.
Ahhhhh. What the...?
Axe Cop? I thought
you just killed us!
I did kill you. But
then I un-killed you.
Follow me.
Where are we?
- I think we're in Chicago.
- Wrong.
You're in Secret Town, where
no one knows my secret,
which means I can
never be embarrassed,
because being embarrassed
is my greatest weakness.
It makes me melt... literally.
But here I am safe. Even
the animals can't hurt me.
The rams will never ram.
And the bears are all hairless,
so they are too ashamed to bite.
All the work in Secret Town
is done by bad guys I killed
and brought back to life.
Look, it's evil Rhino Man!
Rhino Man was one of the baddest
bad guys on the whole planet.
How'd you get him to
scoop ice cream for you?
With hypnotizing ice cream.
You're a garbage lady now.
- Pick that up.
- Right away, Axe Cop.
- And you are my butler now.
- Very good, sir.
Secret Town's the best.
I love this place.
I think we should be safe now. Why
don't you guys get some naptime?
- I'll take the first shift.
- Oh fun, it'll be like a sleepover.
And you know who's
awesome at sleepovers?
Liborg! Which is why, while
you were talking, I signaled
for him to come over on my
best-friend-calling watch.
- No, you did not.
- And he should be here
- right about...
- No!
I think you're
mispronouncing "now!"
Liborg!
Best friend!
- Look out!
- Ah, zombies!
This way!
Oh Wexter! Thank goodness!
Quick! Everybody, hop on!
Wexter, let's go! Come on, boy.
- Oh!
- Hell Chicken zombie Wexter!
That will be all, butler.
I am going to bed.
I bid you good evening, Axe Cop.
Shall I wake you in the morning?
No need. When I sleep it's
only for two minutes.
- I am dreaming.
- Axe Cop.
- Uncle Axe!
- Axe Cop,
thank you for being
my biggest fan.
You're welcome. I'm
going to wake up now.
Wait, Axe Cop.
Hell Chicken has summoned the
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
You need to leave secret
town and save everyone.
I can't help them, Uncle Axe.
Hell Chicken knows my secret.
And if he tells anyone,
I'll be so embarrassed
that I will melt away...
literally.
You don't need to
be embarrassed.
- Everyone has a secret.
- Even you, Uncle Axe?
Even me... Uncle Axe.
Turn down the volume on the TV
so I can whisper
a secret to you.
A secret nobody knows.
Morning tea, sir.
- Yah!
- I've got it, I've got it.
Okay, boys, hold up.
Now, Mr. President,
tell me the launch
codes for all the nuclear
weapons in the world
so I can finish this
apoca-bawk-alypse!
I already told you.
Go f-fff-find a pen
and write this down.
Four, eight, fif...
Time to go back
to hell, chicken.
Welcome to the party, Axe Cop.
You remember your team?
Axe Cop's brains!
My team is Hell
Chicken zombies now?
Hell Chicken zombies,
remove Axe Cop's hat!
Chop!
What the heck?
Axe Cop's brain.
You should've stayed
away, Axe Cop.
Now I have no choice but
to embarrass you to death.
Everybody, look!
Axe Cop is... bald!
Wait!
You're supposed to melt
when you're embarrassed.
- Why aren't you melting?
- My childhood hero,
Uncle Axe, told me that I
don't have to be embarrassed
about being bald because
everyone has a secret.
- Even Uncle Axe.
- Oh yeah?
What's Uncle Axe's secret?
Uncle Axe's secret
is that I, Axe Cop,
have a double secret...
an ultimate robot lives
- inside my bald head!
- Bawk!
No!
Bawk!
Axe Cop, catch!
Ahh-hhh!
Bawk! Bawk bawk.
Looks like your embarrassing
secret is: You're dead.
- Axe Cop, you're back!
- Hey hey hey, Axe Cop.
Have you been looking for
mayonnaise this whole time?
No. I was afraid if
anyone found out
that I was bald I would
be so embarrassed
- that I would die.
- Oh, bald?
What's the big deal? Being
bald isn't that bad.
Not for me because I have the
ultimate robot in my head.
But for everybody else, it's the
absolute worst thing you can be.
Well, I don't know about that. I
mean, some guys can pull it off.
No, they can't.
it for many reasons.
The star on my hat shoots laser
beams to help me fight bad guys.
It has a freeze ray.
There is a heat ray...
- And a brain melt ray.
- My brain!
There is a grabbing ray
and a cutting ray.
But I also wear my hat to hide
my most embarrassing secret.
I... am bald.
One day, at the scene of the fire
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
_
So he had tryouts and
hired a partner.
_
_
I will chop your heads off!
Right on time, mail guy.
Tell me you're holding a
sweet halloween catalogue!
Nope... I'm holding two.
Oh yeah! You know me
so well, mail guy.
Or should I say, "mail friend"?
Big guy, got some
gun bills for you.
- That's not my name.
- Sockarang,
- jury duty.
- Aw!
- Confetti style!
- Yay!
Axe Cop, here's a bag of fan
mail from single women,
as per ushe. And one
mysterious envelope.
Hmmm.
_
_
Axe Cop, check it out. I'm
gonna be sexy ketchup,
you be sexy mustard.
Hey, Axe Cop, you okay? Your
face looks like it's melting.
Uh... I'm going out to
get some mayonnaise.
What's going on? I thought
he hated mayonnaise.
I cannot figure that guy out.
Is that right?
Good job, little chicky. Axe
Cop won't be a problem now.
I couldn't have done
it without you.
Come here, shh shh.
And now, without Axe
Cop here to stop me,
it's time to summon the Hell
Chicken zombie apocalypse.
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse!
You sure you haven't seen him?
Moustache, cop outfit,
full head of hair,
partially melted face.
No? All right.
Well, I've tried every
mayonnaise store in town
- and no one's seen Axe Cop.
- Don't be such a worry-wart.
Oh no! Zombie!
Lava!
Those aren't just zombies.
Those are Hell Chicken zombies!
Oh no.
Ah, it's got my leg!
My lucky leg!
Grey Diamond, get the desk!
I've been bit.
I'm gonna change into a
Hell Chicken zombie.
Quick! We're gonna
to have to amputate!
- Amputate?!
- Grey, hold him down.
This is going to be
the worst experience
you've ever had in
your life, pain-wise.
No no no no...
The whole world is being attacked
by Hell Chicken zombies...
from hell. And people are wondering
where the heck is Axe Cop?
Look! A gold TV!
Shh!
Oh man, it's Axe Cop.
I got a great idea. Go kill him.
Me? No no. You go kill him.
I-I tried to kill him last time.
All right fine. Let's
go kill him together.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot.
- Surprise!
- What the heck?!
Axe Cop, come in. This
your attack decoy.
Make it quick, attack decoy,
I'm watching "Uncle Axe."
I have two more dead bad
guys coming your way.
Ahhhhh. What the...?
Axe Cop? I thought
you just killed us!
I did kill you. But
then I un-killed you.
Follow me.
Where are we?
- I think we're in Chicago.
- Wrong.
You're in Secret Town, where
no one knows my secret,
which means I can
never be embarrassed,
because being embarrassed
is my greatest weakness.
It makes me melt... literally.
But here I am safe. Even
the animals can't hurt me.
The rams will never ram.
And the bears are all hairless,
so they are too ashamed to bite.
All the work in Secret Town
is done by bad guys I killed
and brought back to life.
Look, it's evil Rhino Man!
Rhino Man was one of the baddest
bad guys on the whole planet.
How'd you get him to
scoop ice cream for you?
With hypnotizing ice cream.
You're a garbage lady now.
- Pick that up.
- Right away, Axe Cop.
- And you are my butler now.
- Very good, sir.
Secret Town's the best.
I love this place.
I think we should be safe now. Why
don't you guys get some naptime?
- I'll take the first shift.
- Oh fun, it'll be like a sleepover.
And you know who's
awesome at sleepovers?
Liborg! Which is why, while
you were talking, I signaled
for him to come over on my
best-friend-calling watch.
- No, you did not.
- And he should be here
- right about...
- No!
I think you're
mispronouncing "now!"
Liborg!
Best friend!
- Look out!
- Ah, zombies!
This way!
Oh Wexter! Thank goodness!
Quick! Everybody, hop on!
Wexter, let's go! Come on, boy.
- Oh!
- Hell Chicken zombie Wexter!
That will be all, butler.
I am going to bed.
I bid you good evening, Axe Cop.
Shall I wake you in the morning?
No need. When I sleep it's
only for two minutes.
- I am dreaming.
- Axe Cop.
- Uncle Axe!
- Axe Cop,
thank you for being
my biggest fan.
You're welcome. I'm
going to wake up now.
Wait, Axe Cop.
Hell Chicken has summoned the
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
You need to leave secret
town and save everyone.
I can't help them, Uncle Axe.
Hell Chicken knows my secret.
And if he tells anyone,
I'll be so embarrassed
that I will melt away...
literally.
You don't need to
be embarrassed.
- Everyone has a secret.
- Even you, Uncle Axe?
Even me... Uncle Axe.
Turn down the volume on the TV
so I can whisper
a secret to you.
A secret nobody knows.
Morning tea, sir.
- Yah!
- I've got it, I've got it.
Okay, boys, hold up.
Now, Mr. President,
tell me the launch
codes for all the nuclear
weapons in the world
so I can finish this
apoca-bawk-alypse!
I already told you.
Go f-fff-find a pen
and write this down.
Four, eight, fif...
Time to go back
to hell, chicken.
Welcome to the party, Axe Cop.
You remember your team?
Axe Cop's brains!
My team is Hell
Chicken zombies now?
Hell Chicken zombies,
remove Axe Cop's hat!
Chop!
What the heck?
Axe Cop's brain.
You should've stayed
away, Axe Cop.
Now I have no choice but
to embarrass you to death.
Everybody, look!
Axe Cop is... bald!
Wait!
You're supposed to melt
when you're embarrassed.
- Why aren't you melting?
- My childhood hero,
Uncle Axe, told me that I
don't have to be embarrassed
about being bald because
everyone has a secret.
- Even Uncle Axe.
- Oh yeah?
What's Uncle Axe's secret?
Uncle Axe's secret
is that I, Axe Cop,
have a double secret...
an ultimate robot lives
- inside my bald head!
- Bawk!
No!
Bawk!
Axe Cop, catch!
Ahh-hhh!
Bawk! Bawk bawk.
Looks like your embarrassing
secret is: You're dead.
- Axe Cop, you're back!
- Hey hey hey, Axe Cop.
Have you been looking for
mayonnaise this whole time?
No. I was afraid if
anyone found out
that I was bald I would
be so embarrassed
- that I would die.
- Oh, bald?
What's the big deal? Being
bald isn't that bad.
Not for me because I have the
ultimate robot in my head.
But for everybody else, it's the
absolute worst thing you can be.
Well, I don't know about that. I
mean, some guys can pull it off.
No, they can't.