Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Super Axe - full transcript

My name is Axe Cop.

I live in a house with
two invisible doors,

one for my pet dinosaur
and one for me.

I only wear underwear
that has a picture of me

chopping off a bad guy's head.

When I turn,
the picture of me moves

and chops off his head.

In the morning, I usually
find a broken window

and I see a bad guy
getting away in the distance.

I have a rigorous
exercise routine.

I can do an infinite amount
of reps of everything.



A billion and six, billion and
seven, billion and eight...

When I arrive
at the Axe Cop station

the first thing I do is print out
a list of bad guys to kill

and then I kill them all.

At night,
after everyone goes home...

- Good night, Axe Cop.
- to be with their families,

I go on a night mission.

- I don't work the day shift or the night shift.
- Ha!

I work the always shift.

Ha!

Because I'm a hero.

One day,
at the scene of the fire

the cop found the perfect axe.

That was the day
he became... Axe Cop!



So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.

I will chop your heads off!

Axe Cop
01x08 - Super Axe

Axe, it's 8:35.

Yeah, you're usually
here by 8:30.

What, are you working
banking hours now?

Heh heh, nailed it.

No.
I was on a night mission.

So what bad guy did
you kill last night?

Actually I killed two bad guys.

They were 7th graders.
Unfortunately their mom...

the evil red-headed woman...
got away.

Oh yeah? They don't-they don't
sound too bad. What'd they do?

They stole the president's
good guy machine

and turned it
into a bad guy machine.

Oh! That actually
sounds pretty bad.

Sockarang, lock the bad guy
machine in the unbreakable vault.

Yellow, Flute Cop here.

Oh, Axe Cop! It's the United States'
President and he wants to talk to you.

What do you want?

- Okay.
- What did the president say?

He thanked me for getting
his bad guy machine back

and is declaring tomorrow
National Axe Cop Day.

Does that mean we
get tomorrow off?

Hey, bros, let's all take
a vacation together.

I hate vacations.

Have fun, Axe Cop.

You need a break
more than any of us.

- Not gonna happen.
- What if I told you

I happen to have this
cake coupon right here.

It's good at any beach resort
in the whole world.

Yeah, you could think of it
as a va-cake-tion.

Hmm.
A cake vacation?

Flute Cop,
we'll use your miles.

I'll have an apple juice,
no ice.

Do you have
chocolate milk?

Whoop, this is me.

Just give me my keys.

I'm sorry, your room
won't be ready until 4:00.

What am I supposed
to do for two hours?

Front desk. How can I assist you?

I need 30 TV sets and 30 VCRs
brought to my room

so I can watch movies
I made of me fighting.

I like to study all my moves.

I'm also gonna need
a birthday cake.

I have a coupon.

Mm mm.

Mmm?

You have got to be kidding me!

Gah! Who makes these
machines, bad guys?

- Axe Cop, is that you?
- Super Axe?

Man! I haven't seen you
since fighting college.

If I'm not mistaken,
that was exactly 10 years ago.

Don't you know it.
But nothing has changed.

I'm exactly the same.

Oh, we used to tear
it up back then.

All-night battles, chop-a-thons.

- Remember the punching finals?
- How can I forget?

"A kick is a punch from a foot!"

Man!

So what brings you to Hawaii?

My team and I
are on va-cake-tion.

- That sounds fun.
- What about you?

I'm here celebrating
my anniversary.

You've chopped
10 million heads already!?

- Congratulations!
- Oh no no no no.

I haven't chopped
a head in ages.

- It's my wedding anniversary.
- Ha!

You always were super funny,
Super Axe.

I'm serious.

But, you should be out
killing bad guys.

- You're a hero.
- Not anymore I'm not.

Now I'm a husband.
Ooh! Speaking of which,

the wife and I have this couples spa
treatment right about now, so...

I gotta run.
See ya later!

I remember that.

That's a good move.

- What the heck?
- Hello, Axe Cop!

- Remember me?
- Of course I do.

You're the evil
red-headed woman.

I killed your children
because they were evil.

Are you enjoying your vacation?

- Now I'm not.
- Oh that's a shame,

because I am.

I spent Bational Axe Cop Day
stealing back my bad guy machine!

But it was locked
in my unbreakable vault!

A mother with a broken heart
can break

any unbreakable vault.

And now that I have
my bad guy machine,

I'm gonna go back in time

and I'm going to turn
everyone evil.

And that... includes... you!

I miss... my... sons.

We need to go
on an important mission!

Axe Cop! I knew you wanted
to come down to the beach!

Hey, have you ever
had coconut water?

It's the water inside a coconut

and you drink it!

That's too much potassium.

- Now let's go!
- Hey, c'mon, Axe Cop.

I though we were
on va-cake-tion.

Fine.
You guys stay here.

I know a real hero
that can help save the world.

Super Axe!

Oh hey, Axe Cop!

Tracy, this is my old college buddy
I was telling you about.

Hey, Axe Cop!
I've heard so much about you.

Pull up a chair and join us.

No time. Super axe and I
are going back in time

to the year 0000

to stop the red-headed woman
from turning everyone evil.

Sorry, Axe Cop, but...

we do not want to miss
the luau tonight.

Whoa, buddy! What are you doing?
There's kids around.

Don't worry.
It's a time-portal gun.

Oh, I forgot to put on sunblock.
Grey Diamond, am I red?

Oh, you're getting cooked.

This is weird,

the beginning of time
should be teeming

- with talking good animals.
- Weird?

What's weird is you
can't take a hint, Axe Cop.

I'm not a hero anymore.

Of course you are.

Don't you remember what
Professor Teevil taught us?

Once a hero, always a hero.

But I traded my axe
for a wedding ring!

Don't you remember
what else he taught us?

Always carry a spare axe.

Ugh, fine.

Psst, Axe Cop.
Over here!

Talking frog?

Where are all your good
brothers and sisters?

The red-headed woman
captured them.

She turned them all evil!

I alone have escaped
to tell you.

- Where is she now?
- She's up there,

at the center of all time.
I'll take you.

All right, let's go.

Boy, I'm glad you guys
got here when you did.

The only reason
I survived this long

is because I buried myself

in the dead carcass
of my brother.

But now that you're here,

I know I'm safe...

Oh no, an evil Griffin!

Axe Cop!

Once I put this good frog

through the bad guy machine,

everyone throughout time
will be turned evil

forever!

Stop right there,
evil red-headed woman!

You're too late, Axe Cop.

Help me, Axe Cop!

Everyone throughout time
is now evil.

Who wants to fight?

- I do!
- No!

- We do.
- Evil animals...

attack!

Ha!

What are we gonna do, Axe Cop?
We can't stop her.

- She's riding a
gorilla riding a lion.

- Remember our senior thesis

from fighting college?

You mean when you put
two axes together

it forms a super
blue diamond axe?

But that was just a theory!

Now!

Bye-bye, red-headed woman.

Don't you mean
dead-headed woman?

Man!

- I knew you still had it in you.
- This was actually pretty fun.

I can't wait to tell Tracy

that her husband still has
a little hero left in him.

- You can't tell Tracy.
- What do you mean, Axe Cop?

We've killed everyone
at the beginning of time.

Tracy doesn't exist anymore.

What?!

Oh no.

- This is terrible.
- I know, but don't worry,

we can find more bad guys
to kill on other planets.

Have you ever killed an alien?

It's different, but still fun.

I can't believe it.

I thought you were a hero,
Super Axe.

Super Axe, what's going on?

- Tracy!
- Axe Cop showed up

right before the
pork was coming out

and transported me here?

He said something about

me and you living at
the center of time

and rebuilding the world.

God, you were right,
he is crazy.

He's not crazy.

He's... a hero.

Some people
have other things to do.

- Not me.
- Hey, honey, I'm home.

Some people have families.

Not me.

- Yah!
- Some people even have friends.

- Take that!
- Yeah!

- Not me.
- Boom.

- Hyah!
- My name is Axe Cop.

I don't work the day shift
or the night shift.

I work the always shift.

- Hah!
- Because I'm a hero.

And everyone else isn't.