Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Rabbit Who Broke All the Rules - full transcript
Axe Cop gets a lesson in parenting when a mysterious, silent boy shows up asking Axe Cop to be his father.
Oops, missed one.
You know, the first time
I chopped a head off,
I was eight years old.
It was a rabbit.
He'd been breaking all
the rabbit rules.
Everyone knows rabbits
hop and eat carrots.
But this rabbit walked
And ate coconuts.
So I chopped its head off.
I knew my mom
wouldn't understand,
so I hid his head in
my favorite lunch box
and tossed it
into the water.
That was my first time
being a hero.
Good talk.
Now bye.
Hey, life vest on.
You know the rules, kiddo!
Son!?
Where do you think you're going?
One day, at the
scene of the fire,
the cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts and
hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe Cop - 01x06
The Rabbit Who Broke All the Rules
Oooh chihuahua, Axe Cop,
don't kill the messenger,
but I got some bad news.
Our gun bill was through the
roof last month. Holy cow.
If we wanna buy more bullets, we're
going to have to get second jobs.
Hey, Flute Cop,
what's the kind of dad that
gets paid to be a dad?
I think you're talking
about a foster dad.
Problem solved, Flute Cop.
I will be your foster dad
and I'll use the money
to buy bullets.
Or not.
Axe Cop,
as a dad I have to say this,
I just have to say it:
raising a child is a
huge responsibility.
I know.
That's why I'm going to find
him a mom to take care of him.
Oh, Axe Cop! Last year,
me and a couple buddies
found out about this place out
in the deserts of Las Vegas
where for a small fee, they'll
set you up with a girl.
- How much does it cost?
- $15.
You two stay here and
babysit my foster son.
Grey Diamond and I are
going to Las Vegas.
Whoo-hoo!
They have a roller coaster
on top of a hotel.
And the second-best brunch
is at lucky Lucy's saloon.
It's great, but you gotta
get there early
'cause they run out
of French toast fast.
This is the place.
Whoa!
Hello, welcome to the perfect
match machine and wedding chapel.
Before we get started, we're gonna
need you to fill out this form.
I don't fill out forms, Todd.
Gimme that!
I love paperwork.
One time me and my buddy filled
out like 10 forms at once.
- It was like, what?
- Now step into the machine.
It will scan your brain and
find your perfect match.
What the heck?
In my 20 years of working here
I've never seen
anything like this.
You are the ultimate man.
Tell me something
I don't know, Todd.
There is literally not a
single woman on this planet
- good enough for Axe Cop.
- Let's get outta here, Grey Diamond.
Awesome! That gives us
some time to hit the strip
and try our luck on
some games of chance.
Wexter!
I lost everything in the
casinos of Las Vegas.
Foster kid, I couldn't find
you a mom in Las Vegas
so that leaves me
with no choice.
I can't be your dad.
Axe Cop, you just can't
foster a child
and then decide
you don't want him.
You need to take
some responsibility.
Hmmm, my tri-annual
learn out for kids
- is coming up this weekend.
- Oh, that's perfect!
That would really give you two some
father-foster son bonding time.
And if I teach him how
to be more like me,
the ultimate man,
he could be
the ultimate son!
Now if you're here for
Sockarang's Sockattacks 101,
follow him to cabin "B."
Who's ready to go nuts?!
Sockattack! Sockattack!
If you're here for Grey Diamond's
"best friend" seminar,
raise your hand.
Now the thing to consider
when picking a best friend
is who lives closest
to your house.
Dinosaurs, follow wexter.
And if you're here
for the axe learn out,
pick up your wooden
axes and follow me.
I said
dinosaurs follow wexter!
Right.
Right.
Right.
- Wrong!
- Whoa whoa whoa!
Axe Cop, can I have a
quick word with you?
You got to lighten up
on that kid.
How about instead
of yelling at him,
you show him how to improve.
But he's terrible at everything.
There's no way he could
be my foster son.
The kid just needs
some encouragement.
I know you can do it,
Axe Cop.
Psst, kid, you asleep?
I wanna tell you something about
me that you probably don't know.
I have three world records.
The first is for the
most axe blades.
I just pushed a button on my axe
and 1,000 blades came out.
The second is for being the
world's fastest chopper.
I pushed a button on my chest
and a robotic arm came out
and fed me an axe
star energy drink.
I ran past 1,000 bad guys
super fast.
But it was so fast,
my axe was invisible.
Wait, what?
My third world record
was the hardest to get.
I went to jump school,
Which was taught
by jump man.
He could jump just a
little bit into space.
Being the best jumper
is the only thing that gives me
Jo-oooy!
But I made
my parents let me
keep going to jump
school every year.
I was going to go until
I could beat jump man.
And one day, I did it.
I jumped all the way
into outer space.
No!
That's how I got the world
record for highest jumper.
No.
The point is
I have three world records
when most everyone
has none.
But...
I had to work hard to get them.
At least I had to work
hard to get one of them.
Good night, foster son.
Oh, not bad,
but you are still kicking
a little too high.
Try it again,
but lower.
I think you're ready for
something more advanced.
Axe Face Kick!
Pouncing tiger kick!
Spinning tornado kick!
I saw a lot of losers turn
to winners this weekend.
But there was only
one super winner
- who learned all the kicks.
- Even the flaming falcon kick?
- Mm-hmm.
- Even the upside down face kick?
- Yep.
- Even the spinning tornado kick?
- With a plum.
- Wow. Good job, little guy.
Here's your very own real axe.
I'm proud of you. You're
not just my foster son,
you're my ultimate son.
Now follow me.
It's time for you
to become a hero,
like your ultimate dad.
See that hole?
It's filled with a
lot of good rabbits.
But there's always one who
breaks all the rules.
So, when he strolls out here,
casually eating a coconut,
that's when I want you
to chop his head off.
It's time.
Do it now.
Now!
Ultimate son,
what has gotten into you?
I'm not your ultimate son.
I'm your ultimate enemy,
the soul of your first kill.
And now I'm back to kill you.
You're the soul of the rabbit
that broke all the rules?
I'll chop your head off again!
You can't defeat me!
You've taught me all
of your kicks, dummy.
Wrong.
There's one kick
I didn't teach you
because it didn't
exist until now.
Axe Cop soul kick!
All I ever wanted to do
was walk around
and eat coconuts.
Then you shouldn't have
been born a rabbit.
Ahhh!
Where am I?!
Hmm. There goes all
that foster-dad money.
Ah, I guess
I was wrong, buddy.
I'm sorry I told you to take
that kid under your wing.
But I still think spending time with
him taught you a very valuable lesson.
Right? No?
- Yeah, right?
- Yes, it did.
I learned that if you're
going to kill something,
you have to make sure
you kill its soul too.
Yeah, that sounds
about right.
You were my foster son,
but I never gave you a name.
Now I can.
Last name "Rabbit,"
First name...
"Dead."
Ah, hold on.
It sounds wrong.
It's like off tune, right?
What is that?
You know, the first time
I chopped a head off,
I was eight years old.
It was a rabbit.
He'd been breaking all
the rabbit rules.
Everyone knows rabbits
hop and eat carrots.
But this rabbit walked
And ate coconuts.
So I chopped its head off.
I knew my mom
wouldn't understand,
so I hid his head in
my favorite lunch box
and tossed it
into the water.
That was my first time
being a hero.
Good talk.
Now bye.
Hey, life vest on.
You know the rules, kiddo!
Son!?
Where do you think you're going?
One day, at the
scene of the fire,
the cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts and
hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe Cop - 01x06
The Rabbit Who Broke All the Rules
Oooh chihuahua, Axe Cop,
don't kill the messenger,
but I got some bad news.
Our gun bill was through the
roof last month. Holy cow.
If we wanna buy more bullets, we're
going to have to get second jobs.
Hey, Flute Cop,
what's the kind of dad that
gets paid to be a dad?
I think you're talking
about a foster dad.
Problem solved, Flute Cop.
I will be your foster dad
and I'll use the money
to buy bullets.
Or not.
Axe Cop,
as a dad I have to say this,
I just have to say it:
raising a child is a
huge responsibility.
I know.
That's why I'm going to find
him a mom to take care of him.
Oh, Axe Cop! Last year,
me and a couple buddies
found out about this place out
in the deserts of Las Vegas
where for a small fee, they'll
set you up with a girl.
- How much does it cost?
- $15.
You two stay here and
babysit my foster son.
Grey Diamond and I are
going to Las Vegas.
Whoo-hoo!
They have a roller coaster
on top of a hotel.
And the second-best brunch
is at lucky Lucy's saloon.
It's great, but you gotta
get there early
'cause they run out
of French toast fast.
This is the place.
Whoa!
Hello, welcome to the perfect
match machine and wedding chapel.
Before we get started, we're gonna
need you to fill out this form.
I don't fill out forms, Todd.
Gimme that!
I love paperwork.
One time me and my buddy filled
out like 10 forms at once.
- It was like, what?
- Now step into the machine.
It will scan your brain and
find your perfect match.
What the heck?
In my 20 years of working here
I've never seen
anything like this.
You are the ultimate man.
Tell me something
I don't know, Todd.
There is literally not a
single woman on this planet
- good enough for Axe Cop.
- Let's get outta here, Grey Diamond.
Awesome! That gives us
some time to hit the strip
and try our luck on
some games of chance.
Wexter!
I lost everything in the
casinos of Las Vegas.
Foster kid, I couldn't find
you a mom in Las Vegas
so that leaves me
with no choice.
I can't be your dad.
Axe Cop, you just can't
foster a child
and then decide
you don't want him.
You need to take
some responsibility.
Hmmm, my tri-annual
learn out for kids
- is coming up this weekend.
- Oh, that's perfect!
That would really give you two some
father-foster son bonding time.
And if I teach him how
to be more like me,
the ultimate man,
he could be
the ultimate son!
Now if you're here for
Sockarang's Sockattacks 101,
follow him to cabin "B."
Who's ready to go nuts?!
Sockattack! Sockattack!
If you're here for Grey Diamond's
"best friend" seminar,
raise your hand.
Now the thing to consider
when picking a best friend
is who lives closest
to your house.
Dinosaurs, follow wexter.
And if you're here
for the axe learn out,
pick up your wooden
axes and follow me.
I said
dinosaurs follow wexter!
Right.
Right.
Right.
- Wrong!
- Whoa whoa whoa!
Axe Cop, can I have a
quick word with you?
You got to lighten up
on that kid.
How about instead
of yelling at him,
you show him how to improve.
But he's terrible at everything.
There's no way he could
be my foster son.
The kid just needs
some encouragement.
I know you can do it,
Axe Cop.
Psst, kid, you asleep?
I wanna tell you something about
me that you probably don't know.
I have three world records.
The first is for the
most axe blades.
I just pushed a button on my axe
and 1,000 blades came out.
The second is for being the
world's fastest chopper.
I pushed a button on my chest
and a robotic arm came out
and fed me an axe
star energy drink.
I ran past 1,000 bad guys
super fast.
But it was so fast,
my axe was invisible.
Wait, what?
My third world record
was the hardest to get.
I went to jump school,
Which was taught
by jump man.
He could jump just a
little bit into space.
Being the best jumper
is the only thing that gives me
Jo-oooy!
But I made
my parents let me
keep going to jump
school every year.
I was going to go until
I could beat jump man.
And one day, I did it.
I jumped all the way
into outer space.
No!
That's how I got the world
record for highest jumper.
No.
The point is
I have three world records
when most everyone
has none.
But...
I had to work hard to get them.
At least I had to work
hard to get one of them.
Good night, foster son.
Oh, not bad,
but you are still kicking
a little too high.
Try it again,
but lower.
I think you're ready for
something more advanced.
Axe Face Kick!
Pouncing tiger kick!
Spinning tornado kick!
I saw a lot of losers turn
to winners this weekend.
But there was only
one super winner
- who learned all the kicks.
- Even the flaming falcon kick?
- Mm-hmm.
- Even the upside down face kick?
- Yep.
- Even the spinning tornado kick?
- With a plum.
- Wow. Good job, little guy.
Here's your very own real axe.
I'm proud of you. You're
not just my foster son,
you're my ultimate son.
Now follow me.
It's time for you
to become a hero,
like your ultimate dad.
See that hole?
It's filled with a
lot of good rabbits.
But there's always one who
breaks all the rules.
So, when he strolls out here,
casually eating a coconut,
that's when I want you
to chop his head off.
It's time.
Do it now.
Now!
Ultimate son,
what has gotten into you?
I'm not your ultimate son.
I'm your ultimate enemy,
the soul of your first kill.
And now I'm back to kill you.
You're the soul of the rabbit
that broke all the rules?
I'll chop your head off again!
You can't defeat me!
You've taught me all
of your kicks, dummy.
Wrong.
There's one kick
I didn't teach you
because it didn't
exist until now.
Axe Cop soul kick!
All I ever wanted to do
was walk around
and eat coconuts.
Then you shouldn't have
been born a rabbit.
Ahhh!
Where am I?!
Hmm. There goes all
that foster-dad money.
Ah, I guess
I was wrong, buddy.
I'm sorry I told you to take
that kid under your wing.
But I still think spending time with
him taught you a very valuable lesson.
Right? No?
- Yeah, right?
- Yes, it did.
I learned that if you're
going to kill something,
you have to make sure
you kill its soul too.
Yeah, that sounds
about right.
You were my foster son,
but I never gave you a name.
Now I can.
Last name "Rabbit,"
First name...
"Dead."
Ah, hold on.
It sounds wrong.
It's like off tune, right?
What is that?