Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Birthday Month - full transcript

I was born in the year 2004

to Bobber and Gobber Smartist.

You're doing great.
Push, honey. Push.

Oh, man. Whoo!

They named me...

...Axey Smartist.

Because I was a baby
with a mustache,

they sometimes called me
"Baby Mario."

Here you go, Axey.

This was not one of those times.

My father was a carpenter,
and my mother was a schoolteacher.



She never had time
to cook a full dinner,

so she served us candy canes
for every meal.

Another great meal, dear.

I hated candy canes.

Mm.
What is this?

Rainbow cherry?
I love it!

I hated rainbow cherry the most.

Then something bad happened...

My parents died.

Someone had poisoned
their candy cane dinner.

I swore then that I would
find and kill the man...

that did this to my parents.

I also swore to never eat
another candy cane

as long as I live...



because I hate candy canes.

One day,
at the scene of the fire.

The cop found
the perfect axe.

That was the day
he became...

Axe Cop!

So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.

I will chop
your heads off!

Axe Cop
01x05 - Birthday Month
Original Air Date: August 17, 2013

Oh.
Hey... Axe Cop.

Hanging out in the dark?

That's... weird but cool.

Aren't you gonna wish me a happy birthday?

No, I... no, I was
waiting for the 6th,

which is your birthday, right?

This year, we're celebrating
my birthday all month.

Aah! But I don't have
your present yet.

Don't worry.

I knew what you
were gonna get me,

so I went ahead and
bought it for myself.

You owe me
a hundred dollars.

Oh, okay.
Can I pay you later?

No.

So what did I get you anyway?

A butler.

His name is Al.

Al punch you in the face.

You called, sir?

Get the monster truck ready, Al.

We have an important mission.

Of course, sir.

So, Axe Cop,
what's the important mission?

There is no important mission.

We're going to the beach.

Look at us, huh?
On the beach, in the sun.

This is a pretty good
kickoff day

to your birthday month,
huh, Axe Cop?

Since I already know
about the butler,

you have to get me
a super secret gift.

Okay.

I think I know
exactly what to get you.

So do I...

A magic axe that can turn
into any weapon I want.

Oh, not what I was thinking.

You want some juice?

We got grape juice,
we have apple juice,

and we have
apple-grape juice.

I'm gonna have
an apple-grape juice.

Look at how they put
all this juice in boxes.

You know?

- What are they gonna think of next?
- Wait, what's that?

Ooh. It looks like
a miracle of mermaids.

Evil mermaids.

Aah!

Hey, Flute Cop!

The ocean is safe again.

Hey, man!
Why'd you do that?

Why'd you kill
all my friends?

Because they were
obviously evil.

There's no such thing
as an evil mermaid.

But they were making
mean faces.

No no no.
This is a mean face.

Uh, now you're smiling.

- No. Now I'm smiling.
- What?

Here in the ocean,
it's the bad guys that smile.

Which means...

I...

Killed...
good guys?

Surprise!

Yo, dude.
What's going on with Axe Cop?

I don't want to get into it.

Suffice to say, a lot of good
mermaids' heads were cut off.

* H - A - PP - Y *

* H - A - PP - Y *
* H - A - PP - Y *

* Happy Birthday, Axe Cop! *

This cake is all wrong.

But it's birthday flavored.
Your favorite.

And look, there's a candle
of you holding an axe,

just you like you do.

You hold an axe, right?

The candle is supposed to be
of me holding up two axes!

This is the worst
birthday ever!

Axe Cop?

Hey, come on out, bro.

No.

We have an extra
super secret birthday gift.

You're gonna love it.

It's awesome!

How awesome could it be?

It's not even
in a big box.

Just open it,
will you?

Fine.

"Dear Axe Cop,
we all chipped in

and found out
who killed your parents.

It was Bad Santa."

Now that's
a birthday present.

Oh, I knew he'd like it.
I told you guys!

Bad Santa,

I hope you like dying

as much as I'm going
to enjoy killing you.

Yeah, I'm pretty proud
of that birthday gift.

South Pole Planet.

This is the place.

Ho ho ho.

Hello, Bad Santa.

Axe Cop.

Welcome to my magic workshop
of torture and evil.

I've been expecting you

to walk through those
gingerbread doors ever since

I accidentally killed your parents.

What? What do you
mean "accidentally"?

Those candy canes
were meant for you.

I was trying to kill you.

But why me?

I was a good boy.

Exactly!

You were a very good boy.

Just like all of them.

And now...
it's time

for you to finally eat
your candy cane dinner,

Axe Cop.

Never!

Rainbow cherry?

Ho ho ho!

Good Santa?
Is that you?

Listen to me, Axe Cop.

You must stop
my evil twin brother.

But how?

Rainbow cherry candy canes
are my greatest weakness.

With the power of Christmas.

Ho ho ho!

Where do you think
you're going, Bad Santa?

- To heaven!
- Heaven? Why?

To kill god
and become jesus.

Obviously.

Not during
my birthday month.

I have the power
of Christmas!

Aah!

Say hello
to my parents...

In hell!

By the power of Christmas,

I... am...

setting the children free!

- Yay!
- Hup!

Not a chance.

Throw this head
in the head trash.

Not a bad way to kick off
your birthday month, I'd say.

Huh? I mean, it did
start off a bit rocky

with the...
mermaid massacre,

but in the end you avenged
your parents' death.

I mean, come on.

This has got to be
the happiest day of your life,

- am I right?
- No.

The happiest day of my life
was the day my parents died.

What?

True, it was the
saddest day of my life

because they died,

but it was also
the happiest day of my life

because I didn't have
to eat candy canes anymore.

Actually,
I wasn't happy or sad.

I was medium.

And medium is the happiest
that I'll ever be.

* H - A - PP - Y *

* H - A - PP - Y *

* H - A - PP - Y *

* Happy Birthday, Axe Cop. *