Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Babysitting Uni-Baby - full transcript
Axe Cop just wants to have fun babysitting without the baby.
One day,
at the scene of the fire
the cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe cop - 01x04
Babysitting Unibaby
This is Rockin' Robin
on your 8-0 dial,
music for parking in the dark
while in rock creek park.
Seriously,
we're out of gas.
So, uh, what do you
want to do now?
Wait, what the...
You just chopped
my girlfriend's head off!
She was on my list
of all bad guys.
- See?
- Okay, wait wait wait.
Her real name was
Poison Poison?
And her power was
Poison Punches?
Wow. Thanks, Axe Cop.
That's why I spy on people.
Axe Cop, this is Flute Cop,
do you read me? Come in. Over.
What do you want, Flute Cop?
I'm on a night mission.
I'm sorry to bother you,
but, uh,
do you know how I've been
saving my money to get $100?
Well, guess what?
I did it! Yeah.
So I was thinking
of taking Anita
on a little romantic getaway
for our anniversary.
So...
Could you possibly
babysit Uni-Baby for us?
How much are you
going to pay me?
Uh, I can pay you $15.
I'll be right there.
Flute Cop's
taking me to Hawaii.
- Isn't he romantic?
- How would I know?
I mean, can you think of a
better place to go on vacation?
- Yes.
- Uh, so the baby food is in the fridge
and the fresh diapers
are in the dresser.
Oh, and don't mess
with Uni-Baby's horn,
um, as it holds great power.
- Okay, see you in a couple days.
- Okay, see you later.
Bye-bye, little Uni-Baby.
Mommy wuv you.
And don't mess with Uni-Baby's horn.
It holds great power.
Gross!
She already pooped.
I'm not feeding you
any more food.
You poop too much.
From now on
you just get
one small meal a day.
What the heck?!
You know what?
I don't like you.
I'm gonna hide this
until your parents come home.
Babies are so dumb.
Sockarang on the telephone!
Sockarang, I'm at
Flute Cop's house babysitting.
Oooh, I love babies!
I'll be right there.
Aw, man.
Flute Cop has the best snacks.
So, ugh, where's the, uh,
where's the baby?
I locked her in the closet because
she poops and cries too much.
- Oop, smart.
- Now let's look around the house
and see if there's anything
cool to play with.
Hey, Sockarang,
look what I drew.
I call it...
Magic World.
- We should go there!
- I know.
- But how?
- With... this!
Great!
Let's go to Magic World!
- Oh wait, what about Uni-Baby?
- She won't die.
- She ate a small meal.
- We can't just leave her here alone.
No, but we can create
cyborg versions of ourselves
to watch over her.
I programmed the cyborgs
to watch Uni-Baby
and to punch her if she cries.
See?
When I have a baby,
you're babysitting.
Not unless you have $15,
I'm not.
Axe Cop Magic World!
Magic World is so magical,
I could cry.
Not me, I never cry.
Intruders!
Freeze, Magic Police!
Run!
We lost 'em.
Of course we did.
The Magic Police are
the slowest police.
Oh... my... gosh.
- Look!
- The big magic show is about to start.
- Let's go watch!
- I've got a better idea.
Ah!
Cool!
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to be amazed
at our amazing magic show!
This is ridiculous.
Where are their wands?
And now
for our first trick...
Boo-ooo.
They tore our historic tent!
Maza lapapell babalel
laba lell sabba sell!
Make that hole filly well!
Oh, see, now that's what I expect...
- the unexpected.
- And now for our final trick!
Baba-shalell, make $100
appear in every hand.
How did they do that?
I'm saying that rhetorically.
I don't want to know.
- I love magic.
- Now for our other final trick:
A thousand-pousand-
papa-pa-pa-pow!
This is an outrage.
Now they're richer
than we are.
- We win!
- You lose.
Ha ha!
Ladies and gentlemen,
these are fake magicians!
Let's kill them!
And good night.
Ha ha ha ha! What should
we do with all this money?
Buy something that makes
something invisible.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I know a guy...
Wa-wa-wait, I see something I want.
Awesome!
I chubby wubby you!
Ha ha ha ha!
Chubby Doll
is the best.
- Yes, he is.
- Come in, Axe Cop.
Axe Cop, I just wanted
to check in on Uni-Baby.
I'm trying,
just give me a second.
No, I hear because you're judging
me.
You don't have to say anything.
It's that look.
Axe Cop...
Hey, I think we should go back home
and check on Uni-Baby.
No.
Send Chubby Doll back.
That way we can stay here
in Magic World
and have even more fun.
I'm going to blow
this baby's head off!
- Do it!
- What the heck?!
Axe Cop, the computer brains
of those cyborgs
have turned evil!
They're gonna kill the baby!
Come on,
let's go save the baby.
No, I don't want to!
We're not done
having fun yet.
You are under arrest.
Abra-ca-handcuffs.
Fine, we'll go check
on Uni-Baby.
Ahh, isn't this great?
So-ooo great.
Yeah.
It's amazing what $100
can buy you,
or $100 minus $15.
So $85.
Oh look, coconuts!
Watch this.
- It's so beautiful.
- Oh man, I love you.
Uh, honey, can't we
just try Axe Cop again?
See how Uni-Baby
is doing?
I'm sure...
She's fine.
She's with Axe Cop.
What could possibly happen?
Hyah!
Hyah!
Ahhh, Stockarang!
What do you want, Flute Cop?!
I'm babysitting.
It's Flute Cop.
Yes, she's fine.
Okay, we will.
Bye.
Flute Cop said we should
take Uni-Baby to the park.
I hate babysitting.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- We should rob a bank?
- Yes.
Why won't Uni-Baby stop crying?
It's so annoying.
Well, she's probably hungry.
We haven't fed her all day.
Too bad.
I don't want her pooping.
- Oh ho ho, I hear that.
- Axe Cop, Axe Cop, come in.
This is the chief
of the normal police.
It's the chief of the normal police.
What do you want?
Why are you and Sockarang
robbing a bank?
- Hmmmm?
- What are you talking about?
We're not robbing a bank.
But I think I know who is.
We are rich now!
Let's go buy more guns
to rob more banks.
Yes!
C'mon, Axe Cop,
let's go get em'!
I'll chop your head...
oh no.
- I left my axe at the house.
- What... what are we gonna do?
Quiet, baby!
This is no time
for eating or pooping!
Shhh, she's trying
to tell us something.
This hole in the stroller,
it's a cannon.
But there's no trigger.
There's no trigger!
Because it's a poop cannon.
It's controlled by pooping.
- Oh, we gotta feed her! Aha ha!
- Ugh, fine.
Eat, Uni-Baby, eat!
Hey, cyborgs!
Look at this present
we got you!
I love presents.
The baby saved the day!
I chubby wubby you!
So, Axe Cop,
do you still think
babies are dumb?
Of course I do.
Aloha! We're back.
Oh my gosh, we had
such an amazing time.
This volcano was
about to erupt
and everyone was like
"we're going to die,"
but Flute Cop used his flute
to charm the volcano.
Let's just say it'll never erupt again.
Did you miss daddy?
Did you miss daddy?
Yes, you did.
Say da-ddy!
- Can you say da-ddy?
- Axe Cop.
Yeah, she said daddy!
We all heard it.
I heard it... daddy.
The sound in here is weird.
That'll be $15.
at the scene of the fire
the cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe cop - 01x04
Babysitting Unibaby
This is Rockin' Robin
on your 8-0 dial,
music for parking in the dark
while in rock creek park.
Seriously,
we're out of gas.
So, uh, what do you
want to do now?
Wait, what the...
You just chopped
my girlfriend's head off!
She was on my list
of all bad guys.
- See?
- Okay, wait wait wait.
Her real name was
Poison Poison?
And her power was
Poison Punches?
Wow. Thanks, Axe Cop.
That's why I spy on people.
Axe Cop, this is Flute Cop,
do you read me? Come in. Over.
What do you want, Flute Cop?
I'm on a night mission.
I'm sorry to bother you,
but, uh,
do you know how I've been
saving my money to get $100?
Well, guess what?
I did it! Yeah.
So I was thinking
of taking Anita
on a little romantic getaway
for our anniversary.
So...
Could you possibly
babysit Uni-Baby for us?
How much are you
going to pay me?
Uh, I can pay you $15.
I'll be right there.
Flute Cop's
taking me to Hawaii.
- Isn't he romantic?
- How would I know?
I mean, can you think of a
better place to go on vacation?
- Yes.
- Uh, so the baby food is in the fridge
and the fresh diapers
are in the dresser.
Oh, and don't mess
with Uni-Baby's horn,
um, as it holds great power.
- Okay, see you in a couple days.
- Okay, see you later.
Bye-bye, little Uni-Baby.
Mommy wuv you.
And don't mess with Uni-Baby's horn.
It holds great power.
Gross!
She already pooped.
I'm not feeding you
any more food.
You poop too much.
From now on
you just get
one small meal a day.
What the heck?!
You know what?
I don't like you.
I'm gonna hide this
until your parents come home.
Babies are so dumb.
Sockarang on the telephone!
Sockarang, I'm at
Flute Cop's house babysitting.
Oooh, I love babies!
I'll be right there.
Aw, man.
Flute Cop has the best snacks.
So, ugh, where's the, uh,
where's the baby?
I locked her in the closet because
she poops and cries too much.
- Oop, smart.
- Now let's look around the house
and see if there's anything
cool to play with.
Hey, Sockarang,
look what I drew.
I call it...
Magic World.
- We should go there!
- I know.
- But how?
- With... this!
Great!
Let's go to Magic World!
- Oh wait, what about Uni-Baby?
- She won't die.
- She ate a small meal.
- We can't just leave her here alone.
No, but we can create
cyborg versions of ourselves
to watch over her.
I programmed the cyborgs
to watch Uni-Baby
and to punch her if she cries.
See?
When I have a baby,
you're babysitting.
Not unless you have $15,
I'm not.
Axe Cop Magic World!
Magic World is so magical,
I could cry.
Not me, I never cry.
Intruders!
Freeze, Magic Police!
Run!
We lost 'em.
Of course we did.
The Magic Police are
the slowest police.
Oh... my... gosh.
- Look!
- The big magic show is about to start.
- Let's go watch!
- I've got a better idea.
Ah!
Cool!
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to be amazed
at our amazing magic show!
This is ridiculous.
Where are their wands?
And now
for our first trick...
Boo-ooo.
They tore our historic tent!
Maza lapapell babalel
laba lell sabba sell!
Make that hole filly well!
Oh, see, now that's what I expect...
- the unexpected.
- And now for our final trick!
Baba-shalell, make $100
appear in every hand.
How did they do that?
I'm saying that rhetorically.
I don't want to know.
- I love magic.
- Now for our other final trick:
A thousand-pousand-
papa-pa-pa-pow!
This is an outrage.
Now they're richer
than we are.
- We win!
- You lose.
Ha ha!
Ladies and gentlemen,
these are fake magicians!
Let's kill them!
And good night.
Ha ha ha ha! What should
we do with all this money?
Buy something that makes
something invisible.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I know a guy...
Wa-wa-wait, I see something I want.
Awesome!
I chubby wubby you!
Ha ha ha ha!
Chubby Doll
is the best.
- Yes, he is.
- Come in, Axe Cop.
Axe Cop, I just wanted
to check in on Uni-Baby.
I'm trying,
just give me a second.
No, I hear because you're judging
me.
You don't have to say anything.
It's that look.
Axe Cop...
Hey, I think we should go back home
and check on Uni-Baby.
No.
Send Chubby Doll back.
That way we can stay here
in Magic World
and have even more fun.
I'm going to blow
this baby's head off!
- Do it!
- What the heck?!
Axe Cop, the computer brains
of those cyborgs
have turned evil!
They're gonna kill the baby!
Come on,
let's go save the baby.
No, I don't want to!
We're not done
having fun yet.
You are under arrest.
Abra-ca-handcuffs.
Fine, we'll go check
on Uni-Baby.
Ahh, isn't this great?
So-ooo great.
Yeah.
It's amazing what $100
can buy you,
or $100 minus $15.
So $85.
Oh look, coconuts!
Watch this.
- It's so beautiful.
- Oh man, I love you.
Uh, honey, can't we
just try Axe Cop again?
See how Uni-Baby
is doing?
I'm sure...
She's fine.
She's with Axe Cop.
What could possibly happen?
Hyah!
Hyah!
Ahhh, Stockarang!
What do you want, Flute Cop?!
I'm babysitting.
It's Flute Cop.
Yes, she's fine.
Okay, we will.
Bye.
Flute Cop said we should
take Uni-Baby to the park.
I hate babysitting.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- We should rob a bank?
- Yes.
Why won't Uni-Baby stop crying?
It's so annoying.
Well, she's probably hungry.
We haven't fed her all day.
Too bad.
I don't want her pooping.
- Oh ho ho, I hear that.
- Axe Cop, Axe Cop, come in.
This is the chief
of the normal police.
It's the chief of the normal police.
What do you want?
Why are you and Sockarang
robbing a bank?
- Hmmmm?
- What are you talking about?
We're not robbing a bank.
But I think I know who is.
We are rich now!
Let's go buy more guns
to rob more banks.
Yes!
C'mon, Axe Cop,
let's go get em'!
I'll chop your head...
oh no.
- I left my axe at the house.
- What... what are we gonna do?
Quiet, baby!
This is no time
for eating or pooping!
Shhh, she's trying
to tell us something.
This hole in the stroller,
it's a cannon.
But there's no trigger.
There's no trigger!
Because it's a poop cannon.
It's controlled by pooping.
- Oh, we gotta feed her! Aha ha!
- Ugh, fine.
Eat, Uni-Baby, eat!
Hey, cyborgs!
Look at this present
we got you!
I love presents.
The baby saved the day!
I chubby wubby you!
So, Axe Cop,
do you still think
babies are dumb?
Of course I do.
Aloha! We're back.
Oh my gosh, we had
such an amazing time.
This volcano was
about to erupt
and everyone was like
"we're going to die,"
but Flute Cop used his flute
to charm the volcano.
Let's just say it'll never erupt again.
Did you miss daddy?
Did you miss daddy?
Yes, you did.
Say da-ddy!
- Can you say da-ddy?
- Axe Cop.
Yeah, she said daddy!
We all heard it.
I heard it... daddy.
The sound in here is weird.
That'll be $15.