Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - An American Story - full transcript
Axe Cop reveals some personal history.
One day,
at the scene of the fire
The cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became...
Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe Cop 01x03
An American Story
You know, there's
something about
the fourth day in
July Of every year.
Yeah, you know it.
My favorite part is hanging out
with all my best friends,
- Am I right?
- Wrong!
My favorite part is
the fireworks.
Wrong again!
Everyone, gather around.
I'm going to tell you
What the Fourth of July
is all about.
This is a story about
my great great great
great great great
great grandfather.
And his name...
was Book Cop.
Aww, our little baby
Book Cop
Sure does love books.
We named him
appropriately.
By da order of
da King of England,
- Hand over da book!
- Which book?
Da "Secret Attack
Almanac."
That book doesn't exist.
It's ju-ju-just a myth.
All right,
we'll do dis da hard way.
Da book for da baby!
Leave my baby
Book Cop alone!
Fire Secret Attack!
No! Stop!
A secret li-bary!
That's a secret you shall
take to your grave.
Protect the book,
baby Book Cop!
Protect the book!
Meanwhile,
in London, England.
Uh, your majesty,
It would seem our men weren't
able to retrieve da book.
So how do you prefer to die,
acid or sharks?
I don't know.
They both seem terrible.
Then acid sharks it is.
Thank you, God,
for maKing sharks so evil.
Uh... You.
Get me that book!
The "Secret Attack Almanac"
shall be mine,
Even if I have to wait
for hundreds of years.
Hundreds of years passed.
Book Cop studied and mastered
the "Secret Attack Almanac."
It gave young Book Cop
great power.
Everything he needed
to survive on his own,
Things like
"rebuilding your house" powers
And "food getting" powers.
But he had no one
to share it with...
Until...
What do you think
you're doing, m'lady?
Girls don't read books.
Yeah, except cookbooks.
And laundry books!
Ha ha ha ha.
Who are you?
I'm Book Cop.
And books are for everyone.
Even girls.
Even people on the
dumb list, like girls.
Ha, you missed.
No, I didn't.
Boomerang-book
Secret Attack.
You're welcome.
What's your name?
She was a pretty girl
who could not speak.
No one knew her name.
Not even me.
It's a mystery.
We're getting married.
Will you marry me?
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
I love you too.
The British are coming!
The British are coming!
Shhh!
Book Cop,
my name's Stockerang.
And look this way,
it's me, Fife Cop.
We're on the way
to fight the British Army,
But we need your help.
We call ourselves
the minute men.
There's only one problem:
I'm a right-now man.
We're ready to go
right now as well,
I just... we called
ourselves the minute me...
Would you care to join us,
is really the bottom line.
I'm going to kill
the British Army.
America needs me to win the war.
I'm going off to war.
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
Bye-bye.
Revolution is upon us.
What's your strategy,
Book Cop? Quickly.
A Secret Attack.
Stand back.
Book Cop put his two
fingers into the earth
And then lifted up
the entire ground
And then squished...
...All the bad guys with it.
- Book Cop did it!
- U.S.A., U.S.A.!
- U.S.A., U.S.A.!
- The war is over.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell my wife I didn't make it.
But the war
was far from over.
To arms!
The lobster backs
are upon us like the pox.
Look!
A bald eagle.
'Tis surely a sign.
Victory will be ours.
What are you doing, Book Cop?
No no no no no.
Oh, Book Cop, no!
The majestic blood
from the bald eagle
Rained down on Fife Cop,
Transforming him
into Fife-Eagle Cop.
- Fly!
- Caw!
- He could fly.
- I'm flying!
I'm doing it, Book Cop.
I'm winning the war!
Fire!
Ow!
Caw.
Fife-Eagle Cop,
You're dying.
All I ever wanted was
to have a place in history.
You will.
You will be on money.
And Book Cop was right.
Fife-eagle Cop
is now on money.
You're going...
to have to win
this war on your own,
Book Cop.
I have a super secret
mystery attack
That will defeat the British
once and for all.
Cool. What is it?
I can't tell you.
It's so secret...
I have to go behind that house
so no one can see me do it.
- Hey, no peeKing!
- Sorry.
After "x"ing and
un-"x"ing his arms,
A wave of fire
formed in space...
Wave-of-Fire
Secret Attack!
...And engulfed
the entire earth.
And it would only
burn the bad guys.
Happy die day, red coats!
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!
But what my
great great great
Great great great
grandfather didn't know
Was that the war was
only a diversion
- From the King's master plan.
- We made it.
All the way from
London, England.
Oh, there it is!
The "Secret Attack Almanac"!
Good work, my boy.
I can't wait to tell
my pregnant wife
And three children
about what we've done.
Yes. But first,
To tie up some loose ends.
Cheerio!
I won the war!
What's wrong?
I'm going to kill
the King of England.
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Poison-Tidal-Wave
Secret Attack!
I can't believe it.
Book Cop is nigh!
Protect the King,
you fools!
The King!
Protect the King!
That poisoned tidal wave
Should have killed you
a thousand times!
Yes, but I still have
4,000 lives left
Thanks to the "Secret
Attack Almanac."
You killed my parents
And I will stop at nothing
to kill you.
Even if that means
killing you 4,001 times.
Not if I kill you
4,001 times first.
Hey, look, over there!
The Hey-Over-There
Secret Attack...
Well done.
Teleportation
Secret Attack!
Paper-Cut
Secret Attack!
Book-Eclipse
Secret Attack!
No, please!
Not the night creatures.
No!
No... ahhh.
Ha.
I don't need the book.
I've memorized
the whole thing.
I have it all...
in my head.
You do now.
Ha!
I still have one life left.
Good, because I have
one more Secret Attack.
Ow!
You were the King
of London, England.
Now you're
the King of dying.
The "Secret Attack Almanac"
Has been passed down through
my family for generations.
It's how I learned
all my Secret Attacks,
Including the poison-cake
Secret Attack.
Uh, Axe Cop...
Why did you just
poison all the guests?
Because they were bad guys.
Well, why would you invite
bad guys to your party?
So I could kill them.
Clearly.
Oh, good.
And uh...
How did you know I wasn't
gonna eat the cake?
Oh look, fireworks!
Happy Fourth of July,
bad guys!
* count on *
* the fireworks *
* on the fourth *
* of every single July. *
at the scene of the fire
The cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became...
Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
Axe Cop 01x03
An American Story
You know, there's
something about
the fourth day in
July Of every year.
Yeah, you know it.
My favorite part is hanging out
with all my best friends,
- Am I right?
- Wrong!
My favorite part is
the fireworks.
Wrong again!
Everyone, gather around.
I'm going to tell you
What the Fourth of July
is all about.
This is a story about
my great great great
great great great
great grandfather.
And his name...
was Book Cop.
Aww, our little baby
Book Cop
Sure does love books.
We named him
appropriately.
By da order of
da King of England,
- Hand over da book!
- Which book?
Da "Secret Attack
Almanac."
That book doesn't exist.
It's ju-ju-just a myth.
All right,
we'll do dis da hard way.
Da book for da baby!
Leave my baby
Book Cop alone!
Fire Secret Attack!
No! Stop!
A secret li-bary!
That's a secret you shall
take to your grave.
Protect the book,
baby Book Cop!
Protect the book!
Meanwhile,
in London, England.
Uh, your majesty,
It would seem our men weren't
able to retrieve da book.
So how do you prefer to die,
acid or sharks?
I don't know.
They both seem terrible.
Then acid sharks it is.
Thank you, God,
for maKing sharks so evil.
Uh... You.
Get me that book!
The "Secret Attack Almanac"
shall be mine,
Even if I have to wait
for hundreds of years.
Hundreds of years passed.
Book Cop studied and mastered
the "Secret Attack Almanac."
It gave young Book Cop
great power.
Everything he needed
to survive on his own,
Things like
"rebuilding your house" powers
And "food getting" powers.
But he had no one
to share it with...
Until...
What do you think
you're doing, m'lady?
Girls don't read books.
Yeah, except cookbooks.
And laundry books!
Ha ha ha ha.
Who are you?
I'm Book Cop.
And books are for everyone.
Even girls.
Even people on the
dumb list, like girls.
Ha, you missed.
No, I didn't.
Boomerang-book
Secret Attack.
You're welcome.
What's your name?
She was a pretty girl
who could not speak.
No one knew her name.
Not even me.
It's a mystery.
We're getting married.
Will you marry me?
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
I love you too.
The British are coming!
The British are coming!
Shhh!
Book Cop,
my name's Stockerang.
And look this way,
it's me, Fife Cop.
We're on the way
to fight the British Army,
But we need your help.
We call ourselves
the minute men.
There's only one problem:
I'm a right-now man.
We're ready to go
right now as well,
I just... we called
ourselves the minute me...
Would you care to join us,
is really the bottom line.
I'm going to kill
the British Army.
America needs me to win the war.
I'm going off to war.
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
Bye-bye.
Revolution is upon us.
What's your strategy,
Book Cop? Quickly.
A Secret Attack.
Stand back.
Book Cop put his two
fingers into the earth
And then lifted up
the entire ground
And then squished...
...All the bad guys with it.
- Book Cop did it!
- U.S.A., U.S.A.!
- U.S.A., U.S.A.!
- The war is over.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell my wife I didn't make it.
But the war
was far from over.
To arms!
The lobster backs
are upon us like the pox.
Look!
A bald eagle.
'Tis surely a sign.
Victory will be ours.
What are you doing, Book Cop?
No no no no no.
Oh, Book Cop, no!
The majestic blood
from the bald eagle
Rained down on Fife Cop,
Transforming him
into Fife-Eagle Cop.
- Fly!
- Caw!
- He could fly.
- I'm flying!
I'm doing it, Book Cop.
I'm winning the war!
Fire!
Ow!
Caw.
Fife-Eagle Cop,
You're dying.
All I ever wanted was
to have a place in history.
You will.
You will be on money.
And Book Cop was right.
Fife-eagle Cop
is now on money.
You're going...
to have to win
this war on your own,
Book Cop.
I have a super secret
mystery attack
That will defeat the British
once and for all.
Cool. What is it?
I can't tell you.
It's so secret...
I have to go behind that house
so no one can see me do it.
- Hey, no peeKing!
- Sorry.
After "x"ing and
un-"x"ing his arms,
A wave of fire
formed in space...
Wave-of-Fire
Secret Attack!
...And engulfed
the entire earth.
And it would only
burn the bad guys.
Happy die day, red coats!
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!
But what my
great great great
Great great great
grandfather didn't know
Was that the war was
only a diversion
- From the King's master plan.
- We made it.
All the way from
London, England.
Oh, there it is!
The "Secret Attack Almanac"!
Good work, my boy.
I can't wait to tell
my pregnant wife
And three children
about what we've done.
Yes. But first,
To tie up some loose ends.
Cheerio!
I won the war!
What's wrong?
I'm going to kill
the King of England.
Do you understand?
I know you understand.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Poison-Tidal-Wave
Secret Attack!
I can't believe it.
Book Cop is nigh!
Protect the King,
you fools!
The King!
Protect the King!
That poisoned tidal wave
Should have killed you
a thousand times!
Yes, but I still have
4,000 lives left
Thanks to the "Secret
Attack Almanac."
You killed my parents
And I will stop at nothing
to kill you.
Even if that means
killing you 4,001 times.
Not if I kill you
4,001 times first.
Hey, look, over there!
The Hey-Over-There
Secret Attack...
Well done.
Teleportation
Secret Attack!
Paper-Cut
Secret Attack!
Book-Eclipse
Secret Attack!
No, please!
Not the night creatures.
No!
No... ahhh.
Ha.
I don't need the book.
I've memorized
the whole thing.
I have it all...
in my head.
You do now.
Ha!
I still have one life left.
Good, because I have
one more Secret Attack.
Ow!
You were the King
of London, England.
Now you're
the King of dying.
The "Secret Attack Almanac"
Has been passed down through
my family for generations.
It's how I learned
all my Secret Attacks,
Including the poison-cake
Secret Attack.
Uh, Axe Cop...
Why did you just
poison all the guests?
Because they were bad guys.
Well, why would you invite
bad guys to your party?
So I could kill them.
Clearly.
Oh, good.
And uh...
How did you know I wasn't
gonna eat the cake?
Oh look, fireworks!
Happy Fourth of July,
bad guys!
* count on *
* the fireworks *
* on the fourth *
* of every single July. *