Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Zombie Island... In Space - full transcript
Badass crime fighter AXE COP and partner FLUTE COP are asked to find a kidnapped British scientist by his daughter and must travel to the Zombie Island planet to help save the Queen of England.
- There he is!
- What are you doing?
- Where are you taking me?
Adolf Hitler!
I had a feeling you
were behind all this.
Of course you did, Chemist M.
You are the smartest man
in the world.
Yes, I am.
But whatever you want from me,
forget it.
- I'll never help you!
- Don't help me.
Help her!
- Daddy!
Isabella! No!
Now, Chemist M,
You are going to build me
an evil army...
An evil unstoppable army...
An evil unstoppable army...
of zombies!
On zombie island
In space!
One day,
at the scene of the fire
The cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
I understand
we returned it late,
but can you just waive
the late fee this time?
- I'm not saying it's
your fault, ma'am.
- I am not raising my voice.
I'm trying to talk over you
- Because you won't stop talking!
Axe Cop,
can you get that?
I'm on the phone
with the dinosaur-horn store.
Axe Cop,
what are you doing?
I'm imagining myself
with different hair
and mustache styles.
- I'll have to call you back.
Oh, hi.
Uh, can I help you?
Are you the one
they call Axe Cop?
No, I am.
What's wrong with your voice?
Nothing. Everyone from London,
England, has to talk like this.
My name is Isabella M.
My father was...
Chemist M,
the smartest man in the world.
He was kidnapped by
Nazis and no one,
not even me,
knows where they took him.
- It's a mystery.
- Was a mystery.
I recently uncovered
these lost Nazi files.
They contain my father's
exact location.
Your father is on
zombie island in space?
And even if there is...
only the slightest chance
he's still alive,
I have to know for sure.
Axe Cop, will you help me?
Only if you tell me...
how you think I'd look
with a mohawk
and a handlebar mustache?
Hmmm.
Honestly, I think you'd look
better with crazy pizza hair
and a super curly
beard and mustache
- with a robot ghost inside.
- That is correct.
Wexter!
- Let's go.
How much longer?
10 minutes.
15 at the most.
Wrong.
We're here.
- What was that?
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm married.
- What the heck?
A jet-pack-wearing zombie!?
I'll chop your head off!
I love killing zombies.
Something's weird.
Zombies always fight me
till I chop off their heads.
- Come back here, zombies!
We're not safe here.
Let's hide in that dark cave.
Oh my goodness,
it's father's laboratory!
This is father's laboratory!
It's just like the laboratory
he had back at home.
Look at this!
Now I'm no videologist,
but maybe this VHS tape
can tell us
- what happened to your father.
- Oh, ripping!
Daddy!
That's my daddy
on the telly...
Which is what we call
a television in London, England.
It's day 28.
Even though Adolf Hitler
sent me here from London, England,
To create an evil zombie army,
I have been working on a cure.
A secret potion that
will turn zombies good.
My secret potion is
almost complete.
- All it needs is a bit of cinnamon.
- Oh, bloody heck! No no no no!
- No-ooo!
- Oh no!
My brilliant brain!
No...
Oh daddy.
Zombies are too stupid
to build a giant
300-foot zombie robot
on their own.
A bad guy must be
controlling them...
A really smart bad guy.
Attention, zombies.
Thanks to you,
my zombie robot
is finally ready for launch!
Axe Cop, come in.
- What?
- We have good news and bad news!
The good news:
Chemist M was working on a potion
- to turn zombies
into good guys.
- The bad news
- Let me guess
- No, let me just tel...
- The bad news is his brain
Was eaten by a zombie
before he finished it.
Well yeah.
How did you know?
Because the zombie who ate
the world's smartest brain
Took the world's
smartest poop.
That's impossible.
Zombies don't poop.
Tell that
to Mr. Doo Doo.
That's Dr. Doo Doo
to you, Axe Cop.
I've come too far
to have you stop me
From completing my plan,
which is to go to London, England,
Marry the queen
and use her scepter
To take over the world.
Zombies, get him!
Cheerio!
We need to go,
now.
Dr. Doo doo is flying
to London, England.
London, England?
But why?
Because that's where poop
gets its power.
- Let's go!
- No. I'm staying.
Your father's brain was eaten.
He's a zombie now.
- There's nothing more you can do.
- Yes, there is.
I can finish
my father's work.
I can create a potion
that will turn zombies good,
Then I can find
my zombie father,
Let him eat my brains so
I can turn into a zombie too,
And then I will pour
the potion onto both of us
And turn us both
into good zombies.
- That's a gross plan.
- Isabella, are you sure?
I've been without my father
my whole life
And this is the only way
I can be reunited with him.
Now go to London, England,
where I am from
and save the world!
Seriously, I'm married.
How dare you,
zombie robot?!
I am The Queen
of London, England!
And I am Dr. Doo Doo,
Your new husband.
- Do you,
The Queen of London, England,
Take this man
to be your husband?
- I do.
Do you, Dr. Doo Doo,
take this woman to be your wife?
Yes, yes, come on.
Hurry this along!
I now pronounce you
King and Queen
of London, England.
Queen, you may give him
your scepter.
And now
to complete my plan.
Husband,
what are you doing?
I am making everyone in the
world poop their pants!
- That's ridicul...
- Shhh.
Poo-oop!
Oh no, everyone in the world
has pooped themselves to death.
This is only the beginning.
Oh no. No!
He's making
Doo-Doo soldiers!
What are we going
to do now!?
Wait!
That's Isabella and her father!
They're good zombies.
I can tell by their smiles.
- They're coming to help us!
- Her gross plan worked.
We need to go kill
Dr. Doo Doo.
To the queen's palace!
I've been waiting for this moment
my entire life.
Today, I, Dr. Doo Doo,
Will make the great Axe Cop
Poop himself to death!
- What the bloody heck?
I don't understand?!
Why aren't you pooping?!
My body is 100% efficient
- And uses everything I eat.
- What?!
I don't poop.
Wexter! Fire attack!
You let your own dinosaur...
light you on fire.
I am not concerned with fire.
It just turns me into
Axe Cop Fire!
- Help!
- No-ooo!
I hope you like being dead,
Dr. Doo Doo.
Flute Cop,
we're switching boots.
- Axe Cop has saved
London, England,
where we all live.
- To show my royal appreciation,
I grant Axe Cop
One new wish.
I wish for all poop
to go into space
And for no one
to poop ever again.
Well, maybe that's...
unnecessary.
I enjoy a good poop.
- What are you doing?
- Where are you taking me?
Adolf Hitler!
I had a feeling you
were behind all this.
Of course you did, Chemist M.
You are the smartest man
in the world.
Yes, I am.
But whatever you want from me,
forget it.
- I'll never help you!
- Don't help me.
Help her!
- Daddy!
Isabella! No!
Now, Chemist M,
You are going to build me
an evil army...
An evil unstoppable army...
An evil unstoppable army...
of zombies!
On zombie island
In space!
One day,
at the scene of the fire
The cop found
the perfect axe.
That was the day
he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts
and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
I understand
we returned it late,
but can you just waive
the late fee this time?
- I'm not saying it's
your fault, ma'am.
- I am not raising my voice.
I'm trying to talk over you
- Because you won't stop talking!
Axe Cop,
can you get that?
I'm on the phone
with the dinosaur-horn store.
Axe Cop,
what are you doing?
I'm imagining myself
with different hair
and mustache styles.
- I'll have to call you back.
Oh, hi.
Uh, can I help you?
Are you the one
they call Axe Cop?
No, I am.
What's wrong with your voice?
Nothing. Everyone from London,
England, has to talk like this.
My name is Isabella M.
My father was...
Chemist M,
the smartest man in the world.
He was kidnapped by
Nazis and no one,
not even me,
knows where they took him.
- It's a mystery.
- Was a mystery.
I recently uncovered
these lost Nazi files.
They contain my father's
exact location.
Your father is on
zombie island in space?
And even if there is...
only the slightest chance
he's still alive,
I have to know for sure.
Axe Cop, will you help me?
Only if you tell me...
how you think I'd look
with a mohawk
and a handlebar mustache?
Hmmm.
Honestly, I think you'd look
better with crazy pizza hair
and a super curly
beard and mustache
- with a robot ghost inside.
- That is correct.
Wexter!
- Let's go.
How much longer?
10 minutes.
15 at the most.
Wrong.
We're here.
- What was that?
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm married.
- What the heck?
A jet-pack-wearing zombie!?
I'll chop your head off!
I love killing zombies.
Something's weird.
Zombies always fight me
till I chop off their heads.
- Come back here, zombies!
We're not safe here.
Let's hide in that dark cave.
Oh my goodness,
it's father's laboratory!
This is father's laboratory!
It's just like the laboratory
he had back at home.
Look at this!
Now I'm no videologist,
but maybe this VHS tape
can tell us
- what happened to your father.
- Oh, ripping!
Daddy!
That's my daddy
on the telly...
Which is what we call
a television in London, England.
It's day 28.
Even though Adolf Hitler
sent me here from London, England,
To create an evil zombie army,
I have been working on a cure.
A secret potion that
will turn zombies good.
My secret potion is
almost complete.
- All it needs is a bit of cinnamon.
- Oh, bloody heck! No no no no!
- No-ooo!
- Oh no!
My brilliant brain!
No...
Oh daddy.
Zombies are too stupid
to build a giant
300-foot zombie robot
on their own.
A bad guy must be
controlling them...
A really smart bad guy.
Attention, zombies.
Thanks to you,
my zombie robot
is finally ready for launch!
Axe Cop, come in.
- What?
- We have good news and bad news!
The good news:
Chemist M was working on a potion
- to turn zombies
into good guys.
- The bad news
- Let me guess
- No, let me just tel...
- The bad news is his brain
Was eaten by a zombie
before he finished it.
Well yeah.
How did you know?
Because the zombie who ate
the world's smartest brain
Took the world's
smartest poop.
That's impossible.
Zombies don't poop.
Tell that
to Mr. Doo Doo.
That's Dr. Doo Doo
to you, Axe Cop.
I've come too far
to have you stop me
From completing my plan,
which is to go to London, England,
Marry the queen
and use her scepter
To take over the world.
Zombies, get him!
Cheerio!
We need to go,
now.
Dr. Doo doo is flying
to London, England.
London, England?
But why?
Because that's where poop
gets its power.
- Let's go!
- No. I'm staying.
Your father's brain was eaten.
He's a zombie now.
- There's nothing more you can do.
- Yes, there is.
I can finish
my father's work.
I can create a potion
that will turn zombies good,
Then I can find
my zombie father,
Let him eat my brains so
I can turn into a zombie too,
And then I will pour
the potion onto both of us
And turn us both
into good zombies.
- That's a gross plan.
- Isabella, are you sure?
I've been without my father
my whole life
And this is the only way
I can be reunited with him.
Now go to London, England,
where I am from
and save the world!
Seriously, I'm married.
How dare you,
zombie robot?!
I am The Queen
of London, England!
And I am Dr. Doo Doo,
Your new husband.
- Do you,
The Queen of London, England,
Take this man
to be your husband?
- I do.
Do you, Dr. Doo Doo,
take this woman to be your wife?
Yes, yes, come on.
Hurry this along!
I now pronounce you
King and Queen
of London, England.
Queen, you may give him
your scepter.
And now
to complete my plan.
Husband,
what are you doing?
I am making everyone in the
world poop their pants!
- That's ridicul...
- Shhh.
Poo-oop!
Oh no, everyone in the world
has pooped themselves to death.
This is only the beginning.
Oh no. No!
He's making
Doo-Doo soldiers!
What are we going
to do now!?
Wait!
That's Isabella and her father!
They're good zombies.
I can tell by their smiles.
- They're coming to help us!
- Her gross plan worked.
We need to go kill
Dr. Doo Doo.
To the queen's palace!
I've been waiting for this moment
my entire life.
Today, I, Dr. Doo Doo,
Will make the great Axe Cop
Poop himself to death!
- What the bloody heck?
I don't understand?!
Why aren't you pooping?!
My body is 100% efficient
- And uses everything I eat.
- What?!
I don't poop.
Wexter! Fire attack!
You let your own dinosaur...
light you on fire.
I am not concerned with fire.
It just turns me into
Axe Cop Fire!
- Help!
- No-ooo!
I hope you like being dead,
Dr. Doo Doo.
Flute Cop,
we're switching boots.
- Axe Cop has saved
London, England,
where we all live.
- To show my royal appreciation,
I grant Axe Cop
One new wish.
I wish for all poop
to go into space
And for no one
to poop ever again.
Well, maybe that's...
unnecessary.
I enjoy a good poop.