Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Night Mission: Stealing Friends Back - full transcript
Axe Cop Saves the day!
1x01 - Night Mission: Stealing Friends Back
One day, at the scene of the fire,
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
What a day.
Good night, Axe Cop.
Hey, you know what?
If you're not doing anything,
you want to come over, uh, for dinner?
- I don't eat dinner.
- Are you sure?
'cause Anita's making grilled
cheese. And let me tell you,
Anita knows a thing or two
about cheese and grilling it.
- Turn off the lights on your way out.
- All right, buddy.
Time for Axe Cop to
go on a night mission.
I'll chop your head...
Bat Warthog Man?!
- Ugh, wha...
- You're not a bad guy.
What are you doing
lurking in the shadows,
and why are you crying?
All my friends are
gone. Someone stole them.
First, stop crying. I don't like it.
Second, did you say
your friends were stolen?
Yes, what kind of guy
steals someone's friends?
- A bad guy.
- A very bad guy!
No, the King of All Bad Guys.
And lucky for you,
I know how to defeat him
- And get your friends back!
- You do? How?
With a giant dinosaur horn.
- Is there a dinosaur-horn store?
- Don't you know it.
It's on another planet. There.
- See it twinkle?
- Yeah. That's nice.
- Let's go!
- Great, we'll take my car.
No, we'll take my car.
It's cooler and I
know a shortcut...
over that awesome ramp.
Come on! Move it!
Can't he see we're on a night mission?
Gimme a sec, would ya, fella?!
I gotta jump this ramp
to prove to my best friend
that I'm not chicken.
My best friend is so cool. One
time, we were at this pizza place...
Shh. We don't have time
to hear about your friend.
This guy's friends were stolen
by the King of All Bad Guys.
Did you say stolen!?
Oh boy, that's the worst!
You don't have to ask me twice,
I'm helping you on this mission.
Buckle up, boys,
This jump leads to space...
and that's really high.
Whoa-ooo!
Whoo-hoo!
I just want to rent a dinosaur horn.
The only reason I'm recommending
you buy it is to save you money.
But it's cheaper to rent.
For most people yes. But not
when you keep returning them late.
- I mean, just do the math, all right?
- I always do the math
- and it's cheaper to rent!
- Just get your dinosaur horn already!
Listen, this man's friends were stolen
by the King of All Bad Guys and
I'm helping him get them back!
- So give me a minute!
- His friends were stolen?
Really? That's the
saddest thing I ever heard.
My best friend, Sergeant T,
was killed in the war.
Okay, look, bro, we don't have time
for your back-story. Right, axe?
- Shh shh shh. Go on.
- You see, I wasn't always a dog.
I used to be an army man
and I had a pet chihuahua.
Then one day I got a telephone call.
Hello?
A war?! I'll be right there!
* Well, summer in the city *
* is always so much prettier... *
I met up with my best friend:
Sergeant T. We were at
war with chicken head.
He was a huge chicken with
a human head.
He had an army of chicks that
shot drills out of their mouths.
and they would
bite you if you got too close.
But Sergeant T was brave.
Careful out there, Sergeant T!
But what we didn't know
was that chicken head
could also shoot giant
lasers out of his mouth.
Chicken head killed
Sergeant T with one blast.
You killed my best friend!
I was so mad,
- I killed chicken head with one grenade.
- Bok!
I won the war and returned home
only to discover I hadn't
fed my pet chihuahua.
Oh no.
I forgot to feed you!
That was the day
I gained the ability
to turn into a chihuahua
when I am ready to fight.
Whoa, that reminds me of my best friend.
- Quick story here...
- Shh!
So you can turn back into
a man whenever you want?
Only when I am not ready to fight.
Which is almost never.
Now allow me to honor the
memory of Sergeant T by
joining in your mission.
Great, we're gonna have to act fast.
This horn has to be back in an hour.
That must be the bad
guy King's secret lab.
It's where he makes his bad guys.
I bet they know where
my friends are. Let's go!
Not so fast. I have the
perfect secret attack
to use for such an occasion:
the free poison soda secret attack.
Now let's split up and look for clues.
- What the heck?
- Hyah! How did you survive
my free poison soda secret attack?
- I only drink juice.
- But soda is better than juice!
- Maybe to you.
- To everybody.
Now you tell
me where Bat Warthog
Man's friends are or I
will chop your head off!
- The King of All Bad Guys ate them.
- So my friends are... dead?
- Now will you let me go?
- No. Soda is better than juice.
Hey, army chihuahua,
throw this head in the head trash.
Dead.
- All my friends are dead!
- Cheer up, Bat Warthog Man.
Cheer up? Without friends,
I'm all alone in this world.
- I have no reason to go on.
- I want you to listen very carefully.
Friends are great,
but there is something
even better than friends.
Killing the guy
who killed your friends.
You see that enormous
guy with the crown?
In case there's any question,
that's the King of All Bad Guys.
He's asleep because
it's past his bedtime.
- Now here's the plan.
- Yah!
We're gonna sneak into his ear
and use this giant horn
to summon the dinosaurs
to eat his brains.
There it is. We're
gonna have to be quiet.
- I'm talking to you, Grey Diamond.
- Okay, bro...
Oh, I'm never getting
this horn back on time.
All right, Grey Diamond.
You can tell your story now.
Oh, for real? Oh, you're
not going to regret this.
Like army chihuahua's
friend Sergeant T, I, too,
once knew someone in the
great chicken head war...
a totally different dude.
His name was Sergeant G.
History will remember
him as a great fighter.
But I will remember him as the
guy that was my best friend.
At his funeral his
mother gave me his brain.
And I thought, "what am
I going to do with this?"
But then I got an idea.
I'm gonna make his brain
half lion, half man.
And then I decided also, there
should be some cheetah in there
because cheetahs are super fast.
So I went to the jungle
and I knocked out a lion.
And a cheetah. Because
like I mentioned before,
they're super fast.
And I put that brain
into a cybernetic
body with a lion's head
and created the ultimate
soldier-slash-best friend.
I called him Liborg!
Okay, so where is this Liborg now?
Well, before we all got captured,
I happened to push this button
on my best-friend-calling watch,
so he should be here right about...
- Now!
- Liborg!
Whoa, what took you so long, bro?
Just kidding, thanks for
getting here so fast, man.
- High five.
- Thanks for giving me half a cheetah's brain.
With the help of your friend Liborg,
we just may get this horn
back on time after all.
Now I will summon the dinosaurs
to eat the King's brains.
Quick! Let's get out of here.
Follow me.
- I can't see a thing.
- We're in the stomach.
- This is bile.
- Gross.
Oh my god!
Bat Warthog Man, is that you?
Joanie, Potsie, Rrichie, Ralph Malph,
Oh my gosh! My friends!
You're all alive!
Hey, what's that?!
The dinosaurs are eating his brains!
There's no way out! We're all gonna die!
Wrong. There's one hole out of here
and I know where it is.
Whoo-hoo!
- Mission accomplished.
- We're alive, we did it!
Well, it looks like
everyone is finally happy
and reunited with their friends.
But what about the King of All Bad Guys?
Don't worry about him. The
more brain those dinosaurs eat,
- the dumber he gets.
- But won't he still be evil?
Nope, his brain is made
mostly of bad brain cells.
So he'll be a good guy from now
on... a really dumb good guy.
I know I speak for everybody when I say,
- thank you, Axe Cop.
- No time for thank yous.
There's something I gotta do.
Axe Cop? What are you doing here?
It's the middle of the night.
I want to take you and
Anita up on that dinner.
Now?
Uhhh, oh-oh-okay. I think...
I think we still have some
buttered noodles left in the fridge.
Why don't ya... why
don't ya come on in?
No, I'll take it to go.
I've got to get
this dinosaur horn back
to the dinosaur-horn store
- in 15 minutes.
- Oh, you want it to go.
All right, we have a tupperware.
I'll just put it in a
tupperware thing then.
Anita, where's the tupperware?!
If I knew you were gonna stick
me with these hidden costs,
don't you think I would
have just bought one?
It's not a hidden cost.
It's a late fee.
That's why it's called a late fee.
One day, at the scene of the fire,
the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop!
So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off!
What a day.
Good night, Axe Cop.
Hey, you know what?
If you're not doing anything,
you want to come over, uh, for dinner?
- I don't eat dinner.
- Are you sure?
'cause Anita's making grilled
cheese. And let me tell you,
Anita knows a thing or two
about cheese and grilling it.
- Turn off the lights on your way out.
- All right, buddy.
Time for Axe Cop to
go on a night mission.
I'll chop your head...
Bat Warthog Man?!
- Ugh, wha...
- You're not a bad guy.
What are you doing
lurking in the shadows,
and why are you crying?
All my friends are
gone. Someone stole them.
First, stop crying. I don't like it.
Second, did you say
your friends were stolen?
Yes, what kind of guy
steals someone's friends?
- A bad guy.
- A very bad guy!
No, the King of All Bad Guys.
And lucky for you,
I know how to defeat him
- And get your friends back!
- You do? How?
With a giant dinosaur horn.
- Is there a dinosaur-horn store?
- Don't you know it.
It's on another planet. There.
- See it twinkle?
- Yeah. That's nice.
- Let's go!
- Great, we'll take my car.
No, we'll take my car.
It's cooler and I
know a shortcut...
over that awesome ramp.
Come on! Move it!
Can't he see we're on a night mission?
Gimme a sec, would ya, fella?!
I gotta jump this ramp
to prove to my best friend
that I'm not chicken.
My best friend is so cool. One
time, we were at this pizza place...
Shh. We don't have time
to hear about your friend.
This guy's friends were stolen
by the King of All Bad Guys.
Did you say stolen!?
Oh boy, that's the worst!
You don't have to ask me twice,
I'm helping you on this mission.
Buckle up, boys,
This jump leads to space...
and that's really high.
Whoa-ooo!
Whoo-hoo!
I just want to rent a dinosaur horn.
The only reason I'm recommending
you buy it is to save you money.
But it's cheaper to rent.
For most people yes. But not
when you keep returning them late.
- I mean, just do the math, all right?
- I always do the math
- and it's cheaper to rent!
- Just get your dinosaur horn already!
Listen, this man's friends were stolen
by the King of All Bad Guys and
I'm helping him get them back!
- So give me a minute!
- His friends were stolen?
Really? That's the
saddest thing I ever heard.
My best friend, Sergeant T,
was killed in the war.
Okay, look, bro, we don't have time
for your back-story. Right, axe?
- Shh shh shh. Go on.
- You see, I wasn't always a dog.
I used to be an army man
and I had a pet chihuahua.
Then one day I got a telephone call.
Hello?
A war?! I'll be right there!
* Well, summer in the city *
* is always so much prettier... *
I met up with my best friend:
Sergeant T. We were at
war with chicken head.
He was a huge chicken with
a human head.
He had an army of chicks that
shot drills out of their mouths.
and they would
bite you if you got too close.
But Sergeant T was brave.
Careful out there, Sergeant T!
But what we didn't know
was that chicken head
could also shoot giant
lasers out of his mouth.
Chicken head killed
Sergeant T with one blast.
You killed my best friend!
I was so mad,
- I killed chicken head with one grenade.
- Bok!
I won the war and returned home
only to discover I hadn't
fed my pet chihuahua.
Oh no.
I forgot to feed you!
That was the day
I gained the ability
to turn into a chihuahua
when I am ready to fight.
Whoa, that reminds me of my best friend.
- Quick story here...
- Shh!
So you can turn back into
a man whenever you want?
Only when I am not ready to fight.
Which is almost never.
Now allow me to honor the
memory of Sergeant T by
joining in your mission.
Great, we're gonna have to act fast.
This horn has to be back in an hour.
That must be the bad
guy King's secret lab.
It's where he makes his bad guys.
I bet they know where
my friends are. Let's go!
Not so fast. I have the
perfect secret attack
to use for such an occasion:
the free poison soda secret attack.
Now let's split up and look for clues.
- What the heck?
- Hyah! How did you survive
my free poison soda secret attack?
- I only drink juice.
- But soda is better than juice!
- Maybe to you.
- To everybody.
Now you tell
me where Bat Warthog
Man's friends are or I
will chop your head off!
- The King of All Bad Guys ate them.
- So my friends are... dead?
- Now will you let me go?
- No. Soda is better than juice.
Hey, army chihuahua,
throw this head in the head trash.
Dead.
- All my friends are dead!
- Cheer up, Bat Warthog Man.
Cheer up? Without friends,
I'm all alone in this world.
- I have no reason to go on.
- I want you to listen very carefully.
Friends are great,
but there is something
even better than friends.
Killing the guy
who killed your friends.
You see that enormous
guy with the crown?
In case there's any question,
that's the King of All Bad Guys.
He's asleep because
it's past his bedtime.
- Now here's the plan.
- Yah!
We're gonna sneak into his ear
and use this giant horn
to summon the dinosaurs
to eat his brains.
There it is. We're
gonna have to be quiet.
- I'm talking to you, Grey Diamond.
- Okay, bro...
Oh, I'm never getting
this horn back on time.
All right, Grey Diamond.
You can tell your story now.
Oh, for real? Oh, you're
not going to regret this.
Like army chihuahua's
friend Sergeant T, I, too,
once knew someone in the
great chicken head war...
a totally different dude.
His name was Sergeant G.
History will remember
him as a great fighter.
But I will remember him as the
guy that was my best friend.
At his funeral his
mother gave me his brain.
And I thought, "what am
I going to do with this?"
But then I got an idea.
I'm gonna make his brain
half lion, half man.
And then I decided also, there
should be some cheetah in there
because cheetahs are super fast.
So I went to the jungle
and I knocked out a lion.
And a cheetah. Because
like I mentioned before,
they're super fast.
And I put that brain
into a cybernetic
body with a lion's head
and created the ultimate
soldier-slash-best friend.
I called him Liborg!
Okay, so where is this Liborg now?
Well, before we all got captured,
I happened to push this button
on my best-friend-calling watch,
so he should be here right about...
- Now!
- Liborg!
Whoa, what took you so long, bro?
Just kidding, thanks for
getting here so fast, man.
- High five.
- Thanks for giving me half a cheetah's brain.
With the help of your friend Liborg,
we just may get this horn
back on time after all.
Now I will summon the dinosaurs
to eat the King's brains.
Quick! Let's get out of here.
Follow me.
- I can't see a thing.
- We're in the stomach.
- This is bile.
- Gross.
Oh my god!
Bat Warthog Man, is that you?
Joanie, Potsie, Rrichie, Ralph Malph,
Oh my gosh! My friends!
You're all alive!
Hey, what's that?!
The dinosaurs are eating his brains!
There's no way out! We're all gonna die!
Wrong. There's one hole out of here
and I know where it is.
Whoo-hoo!
- Mission accomplished.
- We're alive, we did it!
Well, it looks like
everyone is finally happy
and reunited with their friends.
But what about the King of All Bad Guys?
Don't worry about him. The
more brain those dinosaurs eat,
- the dumber he gets.
- But won't he still be evil?
Nope, his brain is made
mostly of bad brain cells.
So he'll be a good guy from now
on... a really dumb good guy.
I know I speak for everybody when I say,
- thank you, Axe Cop.
- No time for thank yous.
There's something I gotta do.
Axe Cop? What are you doing here?
It's the middle of the night.
I want to take you and
Anita up on that dinner.
Now?
Uhhh, oh-oh-okay. I think...
I think we still have some
buttered noodles left in the fridge.
Why don't ya... why
don't ya come on in?
No, I'll take it to go.
I've got to get
this dinosaur horn back
to the dinosaur-horn store
- in 15 minutes.
- Oh, you want it to go.
All right, we have a tupperware.
I'll just put it in a
tupperware thing then.
Anita, where's the tupperware?!
If I knew you were gonna stick
me with these hidden costs,
don't you think I would
have just bought one?
It's not a hidden cost.
It's a late fee.
That's why it's called a late fee.