Axe Cop (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 11 - Taxi Cop - full transcript
Young Axey and Flutey grow up to run a taxi company, just falling short of their childhood dreams of becoming crime fighters.
I'm so glad we had two children,
Axey and Flutey.
They're the best brothers.
Those two will be inseparable
forever.
When I grow up,
I'm going to kill bad guys
all day and all night.
Well, big brother,
I also want to kill bad guys
but only during the day.
At night, I want to
go home to a family.
There! I shot you
because you're bad!
That's boring.
This is how to kill bad guys.
- Hyah!
- Yeah, you wish!
You'll never be
good crime fighters.
Wrong. We will be the best
crime fighters
ever!
That'll be $15.
No, it won't.
Bad guys don't pay.
One day,
at the scene of a car auction,
a guy bought the perfect taxi.
That was the day he became
a taxi driver!
So he hired his brother.
I will drop you folks off!
Axe Cop
01x11 - Taxi Cop
Whoa!
Gas prices are
through the roof.
How much money did
you make today, Axey?
- I need some good news.
- Nothing.
Nothing?! You didn't
pick up any customers?
Of course I picked up customers.
But they all ran off without paying.
All right, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.
I have a better idea.
Hi. We want
to kill bad guys.
Well, then you've come
to the right place.
Uh, just sign up here.
I'll give you
your uniforms
and you'll be cops.
Just like that!
Really? That's it?
There's no training?
Nope, just sign and suit on up.
Well, I think that's something
even I can handle.
- He's funny.
- Whoo!
Must have shot a million
bad guys out there today.
What's up, Anita?
Miss me?
Oh, look at this.
What do we got here?
There are our two
newest cops.
They signed the form
and everything.
There's something about the little fat one.
I can't quite...
- put my finger on it.
- Wait a second.
Little Ray?
Is that you?
Hey!
Axey, Flutey!
So what've you been doing
all these years
while I've been out shooting
bad guys with my gun?
- Driving a cab.
- Seriously?
I bet you don't get to
kill a lot of bad guys doing that.
Eh, not that you were ever
good at that anyway.
Not to worry.
I'm gonna show you the ropes,
because I know all there is
to know about being a cop.
Bang bang, bang bang!
Ha ha!
Whoo-hoo!
What did I tell you, man?
- Isn't this awesome?
- No!
- You're just shooting them.
- Yeah, that's all us cops do.
We shoot bad guys
with our guns.
Here, give it a try.
No. That's boring.
Flutey, let's go!
Hey hey!
Hey! Hey!
Get back here!
That's my cop car!
Oh ho ho ho.
Wow.
Axey, what are you doing?
If we're not gonna use guns,
how are we gonna kill bad guys?
With that.
The perfect axe.
I'm going to be...
Axe Cop!
I could be, uh,
you know, I don't know.
Uh, Flute Cop?
Yeah, Flute Cop.
You know, whatever.
I'll change it later.
Let's get to choppin'.
Oh whoa!
Look what I just did!
- All right!
- No no no, no. Please please.
It contains all of my
top-secret documents.
That's odd.
I could have
sworn you had a head.
I chopped it off.
You're welcome.
My name is Uni-Man.
I'm from Uni-Planet.
I'm the smartest man
in the universe.
Oh really? Well, what brings
you to our little ol' planet?
Uni-Planet was taken over
by the Evil Fatsozon
and it was no longer safe
to live there.
Yeah well, I gotta split.
Thanks for saving my life
and my important documents.
They are top-secret designs
for a dinosaur.
I am giving him rockets
for arms.
Mmm, they should
be machine guns.
- Even better!
- Can he fly?
- He will now.
- And if you try to ride him,
he should have spikes that only
stab you if you're a bad guy.
- Brilliant!
- Ooh ooh! And at the end of a long day,
- he should have a family to go home to.
- Let's quit while we're ahead.
If you ever need my help, give me a call.
Here's my card.
Hey, I need
your daily report
- on my desk pronto!
- The thing is
I have...
nothing to report.
What?!
You ain't shot nobody today?
Son, you are a disappointment.
Some head-chopping maniac
has been getting to the bad guys
before I can shoot 'em.
Ay ay ay!
Enough with the excuses.
If you don't start
shooting bad guys,
I'm going to have to report you
to the commissioner
of the normal police!
They know me!
No no no! I'll shoot bad guys.
I promise.
Attention. We have a train
robbery in progress
at the downtown train station.
- On my way.
- Actually scratch that.
Someone just chopped
the robber's head off.
Hmmm.
Ugh!
I don't know...
who this head-chopping
vigilante is,
but I am going to find out.
And when I do,
I am gonna shoot him...
with my gun.
I think I'm gonna give that
Anita girl from the cop station a call.
She liked my joke.
You remember my joke?
It was self-deprecating,
but not too self-deprecating...
Unless you think it was.
You think she hates me?
What the heck?
This is your last chance,
alien baby!
Surrender or we will shoot you
with our guns!
But that's just a baby.
And you don't shoot babies!
Axey?! You're the
head-chopping vigilante?
Yes. And I'm taking
the alien baby.
Flute Cop, now!
Cops, shoot your guns!
Let's move!
You made me look stupid
for the last time!
I'll get you,
Smartist Brothers!
Uni-Man, what can you tell us
about this disgusting baby?
Her name is Uni-Baby.
She is from my planet.
You can tell by her horn.
She was sent to Earth as a
distraction by Fatsozon,
- that bad guy I spoke of earlier.
- A distraction?
Yes. It's all part of
Fatsozon's master plan.
While the normal cops were
tracking down Uni-Baby,
he filled Earth's core
with bombs.
But if the Earth blows up,
- everyone on the planet will die.
- But you can still stop him.
Fatsozon returned
to Uni-Planet
and he is getting ready
to detonate the bombs.
Uni-Planet is very far.
We won't make it there on time.
Yes, you will.
You can take my dinosaur.
Great.
I will call him... Wexter.
Actually he already has a name.
Wexter!
To Uni-Planet!
Fatsozon!
Welcome
to Uni-Planet, Axe Cop.
I wish I could
entertain you,
but I'll be busy
blowing up the Earth.
Perhaps my army
of evil, biting robots
will keep you
entertained.
I'm evil.
If they bite us,
we'll turn evil.
By that logic,
since we're good guys,
if we bite them
they might turn good.
Already ahead of you.
I'm a good guy now.
Now go bite your evil friends,
good robot!
Now kill Fatsozon!
Oh yeah, you did it!
Freeze, Smartist Brothers.
Oh hey, Ray.
You can put the gun down.
Axe Cop already
killed the bad guy.
Oh? Not according to the daily
report I'm going to file.
According to that report,
Fatsozon killed both of you.
Then I showed up
and killed Fatsozon
- with my gun.
- Ray!
That's not what happened.
Lots of things happen
the way they don't happen.
That's impossible.
Every morning I drink
bulletproof juice,
so any bullet that hits me
just bounces off
and goes right back
into your gun.
Ahhhh!
Flute Cop, I did it.
Flute Cop?
No-oooo!
* now your best friend...
Uni-Man,
I saved two planets.
- Can you save my brother?
- Yes.
I can put a piece
of your brain in his.
But I must warn you,
there is one serious side-effect.
The surgery is going to involve
removing the part of the brain
that knows you two are brothers.
Okay. Do it.
Hey, look at that, Anita!
Axe Cop is having tryouts!
I've heard that guy is awesome.
Maybe I should try out.
I mean, chances are
he wouldn't pick me, but...
at least I'd get a chance
to meet him.
But, Flute Cop,
you're brothers.
Anita, I would think
I would know if we were brothers.
You're crazy.
Next.
My name is Flute Cop.
Sign up here!
Just sign?
That's it?
Hey, even I can handle
that job, right?
I wish Anita was here,
she'd love that joke.
Axey and Flutey.
They're the best brothers.
Those two will be inseparable
forever.
When I grow up,
I'm going to kill bad guys
all day and all night.
Well, big brother,
I also want to kill bad guys
but only during the day.
At night, I want to
go home to a family.
There! I shot you
because you're bad!
That's boring.
This is how to kill bad guys.
- Hyah!
- Yeah, you wish!
You'll never be
good crime fighters.
Wrong. We will be the best
crime fighters
ever!
That'll be $15.
No, it won't.
Bad guys don't pay.
One day,
at the scene of a car auction,
a guy bought the perfect taxi.
That was the day he became
a taxi driver!
So he hired his brother.
I will drop you folks off!
Axe Cop
01x11 - Taxi Cop
Whoa!
Gas prices are
through the roof.
How much money did
you make today, Axey?
- I need some good news.
- Nothing.
Nothing?! You didn't
pick up any customers?
Of course I picked up customers.
But they all ran off without paying.
All right, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.
I have a better idea.
Hi. We want
to kill bad guys.
Well, then you've come
to the right place.
Uh, just sign up here.
I'll give you
your uniforms
and you'll be cops.
Just like that!
Really? That's it?
There's no training?
Nope, just sign and suit on up.
Well, I think that's something
even I can handle.
- He's funny.
- Whoo!
Must have shot a million
bad guys out there today.
What's up, Anita?
Miss me?
Oh, look at this.
What do we got here?
There are our two
newest cops.
They signed the form
and everything.
There's something about the little fat one.
I can't quite...
- put my finger on it.
- Wait a second.
Little Ray?
Is that you?
Hey!
Axey, Flutey!
So what've you been doing
all these years
while I've been out shooting
bad guys with my gun?
- Driving a cab.
- Seriously?
I bet you don't get to
kill a lot of bad guys doing that.
Eh, not that you were ever
good at that anyway.
Not to worry.
I'm gonna show you the ropes,
because I know all there is
to know about being a cop.
Bang bang, bang bang!
Ha ha!
Whoo-hoo!
What did I tell you, man?
- Isn't this awesome?
- No!
- You're just shooting them.
- Yeah, that's all us cops do.
We shoot bad guys
with our guns.
Here, give it a try.
No. That's boring.
Flutey, let's go!
Hey hey!
Hey! Hey!
Get back here!
That's my cop car!
Oh ho ho ho.
Wow.
Axey, what are you doing?
If we're not gonna use guns,
how are we gonna kill bad guys?
With that.
The perfect axe.
I'm going to be...
Axe Cop!
I could be, uh,
you know, I don't know.
Uh, Flute Cop?
Yeah, Flute Cop.
You know, whatever.
I'll change it later.
Let's get to choppin'.
Oh whoa!
Look what I just did!
- All right!
- No no no, no. Please please.
It contains all of my
top-secret documents.
That's odd.
I could have
sworn you had a head.
I chopped it off.
You're welcome.
My name is Uni-Man.
I'm from Uni-Planet.
I'm the smartest man
in the universe.
Oh really? Well, what brings
you to our little ol' planet?
Uni-Planet was taken over
by the Evil Fatsozon
and it was no longer safe
to live there.
Yeah well, I gotta split.
Thanks for saving my life
and my important documents.
They are top-secret designs
for a dinosaur.
I am giving him rockets
for arms.
Mmm, they should
be machine guns.
- Even better!
- Can he fly?
- He will now.
- And if you try to ride him,
he should have spikes that only
stab you if you're a bad guy.
- Brilliant!
- Ooh ooh! And at the end of a long day,
- he should have a family to go home to.
- Let's quit while we're ahead.
If you ever need my help, give me a call.
Here's my card.
Hey, I need
your daily report
- on my desk pronto!
- The thing is
I have...
nothing to report.
What?!
You ain't shot nobody today?
Son, you are a disappointment.
Some head-chopping maniac
has been getting to the bad guys
before I can shoot 'em.
Ay ay ay!
Enough with the excuses.
If you don't start
shooting bad guys,
I'm going to have to report you
to the commissioner
of the normal police!
They know me!
No no no! I'll shoot bad guys.
I promise.
Attention. We have a train
robbery in progress
at the downtown train station.
- On my way.
- Actually scratch that.
Someone just chopped
the robber's head off.
Hmmm.
Ugh!
I don't know...
who this head-chopping
vigilante is,
but I am going to find out.
And when I do,
I am gonna shoot him...
with my gun.
I think I'm gonna give that
Anita girl from the cop station a call.
She liked my joke.
You remember my joke?
It was self-deprecating,
but not too self-deprecating...
Unless you think it was.
You think she hates me?
What the heck?
This is your last chance,
alien baby!
Surrender or we will shoot you
with our guns!
But that's just a baby.
And you don't shoot babies!
Axey?! You're the
head-chopping vigilante?
Yes. And I'm taking
the alien baby.
Flute Cop, now!
Cops, shoot your guns!
Let's move!
You made me look stupid
for the last time!
I'll get you,
Smartist Brothers!
Uni-Man, what can you tell us
about this disgusting baby?
Her name is Uni-Baby.
She is from my planet.
You can tell by her horn.
She was sent to Earth as a
distraction by Fatsozon,
- that bad guy I spoke of earlier.
- A distraction?
Yes. It's all part of
Fatsozon's master plan.
While the normal cops were
tracking down Uni-Baby,
he filled Earth's core
with bombs.
But if the Earth blows up,
- everyone on the planet will die.
- But you can still stop him.
Fatsozon returned
to Uni-Planet
and he is getting ready
to detonate the bombs.
Uni-Planet is very far.
We won't make it there on time.
Yes, you will.
You can take my dinosaur.
Great.
I will call him... Wexter.
Actually he already has a name.
Wexter!
To Uni-Planet!
Fatsozon!
Welcome
to Uni-Planet, Axe Cop.
I wish I could
entertain you,
but I'll be busy
blowing up the Earth.
Perhaps my army
of evil, biting robots
will keep you
entertained.
I'm evil.
If they bite us,
we'll turn evil.
By that logic,
since we're good guys,
if we bite them
they might turn good.
Already ahead of you.
I'm a good guy now.
Now go bite your evil friends,
good robot!
Now kill Fatsozon!
Oh yeah, you did it!
Freeze, Smartist Brothers.
Oh hey, Ray.
You can put the gun down.
Axe Cop already
killed the bad guy.
Oh? Not according to the daily
report I'm going to file.
According to that report,
Fatsozon killed both of you.
Then I showed up
and killed Fatsozon
- with my gun.
- Ray!
That's not what happened.
Lots of things happen
the way they don't happen.
That's impossible.
Every morning I drink
bulletproof juice,
so any bullet that hits me
just bounces off
and goes right back
into your gun.
Ahhhh!
Flute Cop, I did it.
Flute Cop?
No-oooo!
* now your best friend...
Uni-Man,
I saved two planets.
- Can you save my brother?
- Yes.
I can put a piece
of your brain in his.
But I must warn you,
there is one serious side-effect.
The surgery is going to involve
removing the part of the brain
that knows you two are brothers.
Okay. Do it.
Hey, look at that, Anita!
Axe Cop is having tryouts!
I've heard that guy is awesome.
Maybe I should try out.
I mean, chances are
he wouldn't pick me, but...
at least I'd get a chance
to meet him.
But, Flute Cop,
you're brothers.
Anita, I would think
I would know if we were brothers.
You're crazy.
Next.
My name is Flute Cop.
Sign up here!
Just sign?
That's it?
Hey, even I can handle
that job, right?
I wish Anita was here,
she'd love that joke.