Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 4 - Now You See Me, Now I Don't - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

We're engaged. Jenna, you're legit popular.

Popularity was for losers.

I have to earn your forgiveness.

I'm not going anywhere until I do.

- What is that?
- Matty, you're unpopular.

If you want to survive in
the netherworld of the uncool,

you can't think how you used to think.

After I'd ended my brief,

boring foray into popularity land,

I didn't know which me to dress for.



Was I still cool, fun, flirty Jenna,

or was I back to being...

So plain, Jenna.

- It's perfect.
- Uh, perfect for what?

The mother-daughter senior banquet.

Please tell me you're not doing that.

And pass up a chance to imitate you

onstage in front of all the senior girls?

You're right. I... I really shouldn't.

It's... it's cruel.

As if!

I've been waiting for this
day since you were a freshman.

Okay, well, can you at least
choose something else to wear?

But, honey, that hideous hoodie is so you.



- Gee, thanks.
- Okay. Okay.

Which outfit screams,
"I am Jenna Hamilton"?

Damn.

It's not this sexy top, is it?

Get your yearbooks, you
sick nostalgia junkies.

You'll notice we've made
a few changes this year.

Sorry, not sorry.

The original version was
bogus social propaganda.

Not to mention boring as [bleep].

Hell, yes. Hell, yes.

Yearbooks are like smack on crack.

Interesting outfit choice, Jenna.

What? I'm mixing it up.

I love that for you.

WTF? GTFO!

OMG. FML.

T, are you short-circuiting?

Beavis and Gayhead hijacked our yearbook.

"Most basic" is not a senior superlative.

- Neither is "best bulge."
- Yikes.

Jake and Matty got "most
likely to be bro-mos forever."

Well, Au revoir, the train has left

that friendship station.

Oh, Jenna, look. You got something.

Wait, what? Let me see.

Considering how many
changes I'd gone through

in the past four years,

I wouldn't be surprised if
I was named "most improved"

or "biggest transformation" or...

"Most depressing"?

This is BS.

I haven't been Suicide
Girl since sophomore year.

Why would anyone still
think of me as depressing?

Well, there was that one semester where

you ditched all your friends
to hang out with Mary Jane

and that douche, Collin.

Oh, and I guess the low class rank

and the whole "not getting into SCU" thing.

And you're kind of always
in this constant state

of analysis paralysis on your face.

But don't worry, those superlatives

are so false, it's an LOL.

I mean, I got "most likely
to marry a deaf guy,"

which makes no sense, because
Adam has perfect hearing.

Okay, but you aren't
actually going to marry Adam.

Oh, I forgot to tell
you, I changed the date.

- What?
- The breakup date, obvi.

Adam is picking me up from school tomorrow,

and I promz to end the dramz that night.

Jenna, Kyle has a question
he would like to ask you.

Um, hey.

Can you sign my yearbook?

I already wrote the inscription for you.

Dear Kyle, you're a sex god.

Please call me anytime.

Love, Most Depressing.

Sure, Kyle.

Matty, do you maybe
want to sign my yearbook?

Um, only if you maybe want to sign mine.

Hmm.

Come on, Matty, let's go watch some Twitch.

What in the bitch is Twitch?

It's this online thing where you watch

hot girls... uh, you know what?

It's not important.

Pop quiz time.

Matty and Kyle being new BFFs is, A,

an American horror story, B, disturbia,

C, kind of cute, in a sick unnatural way,

or D, all of the above.

What would I say in Matty's yearbook?

More importantly, what
would he say in mine?

We had so much history together.

Earth to Jenna. Come in, Jenna.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

See, this is why you were
voted most depressing.

Gross, why are there so many
old people at school today?

There's a rehearsal for
the mother-daughter banquet.

I am so excited to see
you be me onstage, Mommy.

Well, I'm terrified.

You know how much I hate
being in the spotlight.

Well, then why do you do
all those plays at church?

God called me to those parts, Lissa.

I couldn't disobey His wishes.

Now, come along.

Hey, beast with a bun!

Ally, what are you doing here?

Are you trying to get Percocet

from the school nurse again?

I think she's onto my games.

I'm here to practice for
that mother-daughter thingy.

Excuse me?

You are not going to be
in the banquet, you slunt.

Oh, I am, and I'm gonna get you so good.

I am so sorry I'm late, sweetie.

Did rehearsal already start?

Darn, looks like your
services are no longer needed.

Fine, I didn't really want to do it anyway.

It's not like I'm getting
an Oscar for this [bleep].

I am so thrilled to be
a part of this, honey.

I've already been working
on an impression of you

that I think you'll adore.

Hard to believe, since
you literally know nothing

about my life, but whatever.

Good luck, Darlene.

You're gonna need it.

Hey, I didn't get to your yearbook yet.

Do you mind if I get
it back to you tomorrow?

Not at all.

I haven't gotten to yours either.

Sweet. I'll see you later.

Matty needing more time with my yearbook

clearly meant he had a lot to say.

I just hope none of it
involved calling me depressing

or angsty or "that girl with
the analysis-paralysis face."

- Who did that?
- I don't know.

Maybe you should ask
one of Gabby's friends.

Aren't they your bodyguards now?

This guy bothering you, Matty?

Looks like you're the
one with the bodyguard,

McKibben, not me.

I'm sorry, bro.

I know run-ins with your ex can be awkward.

Me and Jenna? No, we're cool.

I was talking about Jake.

And then she was all,

"Looks like your services
are no longer needed,"

and I'm like, "Oh, I'm so devastated.

Go slip on a [bleep]."

Ixnay on the side-braid.

Little bitch just walked in.

Mom, what are you doing with your hair?

I haven't worn it like that in forever.

Honey, don't stress out.

I'm just trying out some options.

Which reminds me, I need to try out

a new white wine option.

This one tastes like it's
low on alcohol content.

I can feel my body rehydrating.

Not happy.

Ah, the yearbooks are in.

- Let me see.
- Oh, it's dumb.

Theo and Cole took over senior
superlatives, and I got...

"Most depressing." Oh.

But I shouldn't read
too much into it, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Senior superlatives mean nothing.

I was voted "most likely
not to go to college,"

and look at me now, 20
years later, enrolling.

Joke's on them, right?

Just out of curiosity,

what did... what did Dad get?

"Most likely to become a
father before graduation."

Which is weird, because it was three months

before I got knocked up.

And Ally?

- "Strongest liver."
- Oh, my God, I'm screwed.

No, you're not. Those
are just flukes, sweetie.

Listen, our high school
quarterback, Trent Simpson,

was the nicest guy ever,

and he was voted "most
likely to end up in prison."

I am so sad Trent Simpson's dead.

He was so hot.

He died? How?

Got shivved in the joint.

This isn't a yearbook. It's a crystal ball.

My mom's yearbook had me freaking out.

Was high school really
an accurate prediction

of who you'd become?

I wish Val wasn't MIA,

I would've taken any kind
of guidance right now.

Thank God you're back,
Val. I have some major...

Hi, Jenna. Can I help you?

Lissa, what are you doing here?

It's a funny story, actually.

I was in Val's office the other day

looking for the key to the equipment closet

when a student came in thinking

I was the new guidance counselor.

I'm no expert, but I'd say

life's way too short to
stay mad at your friend.

When my dad told me he was gay,

I was totally angry at him for lying

to my family, but then I realized

that carrying around bad feelings was gross

and probably giving me premature wrinkles.

So I let it go, and now
I feel so much better.

I know breakups are hard,

but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

When I started dating my brother, Tyler,

I thought I was in love with him,

but then we had sex, and
it just didn't feel right,

so we broke up immediately.

Just masturbate. You'll be fine.

So what can I do for you today?

Oh, it's not for me, I was just...

Sit!

It's stupid.

I was named "most
depressing" in the yearbook,

and I'm worried that has some
sort of curse on my future.

Please stop laughing. It's not funny.

Everything in my mom's yearbook came true.

Listen, Jenna, people come
to me with real problems,

so I'd appreciate it if
you didn't waste my time

with your little superstitions.

- But...
- No buts.

You shouldn't be worried
about what Theo and Cole

wrote about you in some
silly yearbook, anyway.

Your friends' opinions are the
only ones that should matter.

That's actually a really good point, Lissa.

You're welcome.

Now get out. My 2:30's here.

Okay, pay attention, Darlene.

Here is my cheerleading uniform,

a comprehensive tutorial on
how I like to wear my hair,

my favorite lip gloss, shoes, and... oops!

I accidentally put in
two types of eyeliner,

but since you're my mom,

I'm sure you'll know
which one I prefer to use.

Of course I do, honey.

Sadie, your Latin gigolo's
downstairs looking for you.

Says to hurry up, it's an emergency.

I thought Sergio was on the food truck.

He better not have left his
wiener apron in my car again.

Sergio no est? aqu?.

Dumb bitch falls for it every time.

You two seem to have developed

quite the playful dynamic.

Playful? Please.

We drive each other bat-[bleep] insane.

But hey, at least I'm actually around.

Well, that's why I'm here now, Ally,

to make up for lost time.

Do you want to see what
I've been working on

for the banquet?

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.

- Yeah, whatever.
- Okay.

Hey, silly gooses.

Want to go ride horses after school?

You better watch out,

because mine's a champion.

Thank you.

News flash, Sadie hasn't
ridden a horse in three years.

I guess I am a little out of touch.

Uh, come on, I have a few pointers

that'll make it perfect.

Let me know if you have
pointers on my breakup speech.

I want this ish to be perfect.

Adam, as much as it pains me,
I have to end our engagement.

I don't even know if I'm
ready to ace my stats final,

let alone get married on May 7th

in a Very Wang gown with a birdcage veil

in front of 400 of our
closest family and friends.

Okay, stop there. Less is more.

Is that my beautiful
fianc?e chatting over there?

Hey, babe.

I brought place settings
for you to look at.

You are going to die.

Like, literal death. They are so adorbs!

But before we dive in, I need to talk

to you about something.

Good luck.

Ditto to you too at the
mother-daughter banquet tonight.

Thank God I hacked into my mom's phone

and deleted the invite.

What'd you want to talk to me about?

JK. It was nothing.

Hey, Matty, finished your yearbook.

Oh, yeah.

I am finished with yours too.

Great, can't wait to read it.

Me too. Have a good night.

I spent all night
crafting the perfect thing

to say in Matty's yearbook,

and not to brag, but I think I nailed it.

Now to see what Matty, the
person who knew me the best

and whose opinion actually mattered,

thought of me.

"You're one cool chick."

You've got to be kidding.

Okay, honey, are you ready for a sneak peek

for the show tonight?

Now's not really a good time.

Do you love, or do you luh-huv?

What the hell are you doing?

Are you trying to humiliate me?

What? No, this is meant to be funny.

Well, it's not.

I'm not the same person
I was sophomore year.

I've grown up, okay?

How would you like it if I
imitated an old version of you?

"Hi, I'm Lacey Hamilton.

"I wear shorter skirts
than my teenage daughter.

"Ooh, I have an idea, let's write

"a [bleep] carefrontation letter.

Where's my special stationery?"

Jesus, Jenna. Learn how to take a joke.

Well, that was dumb.

If I didn't want my mom
to publicly embarrass me,

I probably shouldn't have
pissed her off two hours

before she went onstage.

Are you sure it's not
weird that we're here?

Last time I checked, guys weren't allowed

at this thing.

Dude, it's fine.

I sneak into the banquet every year.

- Why?
- 'Cause it's awesome.

They're girls, but they're moms

pretending to be girls.

- I also brought beers.
- Nice.

Hi, ladies.

Welcome to the
mother-daughter senior banquet.

I'm Lissa Miller/ the
new guidance counselor.

No, seriously, I am.

Anyway, let's give a big
thanks to all the mommies

for participating tonight,

because without them, we
literally wouldn't be alive,

and that would suck, so
let's get the show started!

- I'm so pretty.
- No, I'm pretty.

Oh, my God. You know who's the prettiest?

Our moms.

Julie, what if that's us in 20 years?

When I'm not busy being
the best dang cheerleader

at PHHS

or Atonercising with my
super-fun supplicant squats,

I'm making the world a
more open-minded place

with my man Jesus Christ by my side.

I have one thing to say
to all the moms here.

Your daughters are gonna
need years of serious therapy

after watching your heinous
performances tonight.

Women over 20 should never
wear crop tops and short shorts.

Where is your shame, ladies?

Is it hidden underneath
all of your bad Botox?

Please, do the world a favor

and change back into
some disgusting mom jeans,

a pair of ugly clogs,

and just accept the uncomfortable truth.

You're [bleep] old.

You're welcome.

Whatever, that's so not me.

You're right.

You're snatchier.

This one's ew.

This one's too blue. This one looks like...

Like Doo-Doo.

Sorry, I'm just trying
to continue the rhyme.

Aw, that's so cute.

You think you can out-rhyme me.

- Adam, we need to talk.
- I know, T.

I really need to talk to you too.

I've been thinking about how insane it is

that we're planning a wedding
your senior year of high school,

while you're wearing a
puka shell ring, no less.

Really? I'm so glad you're
saying this, because...

Let me finish.

If we're seriously gonna do this,

we have to do it right.

It was my grandmother's.

Tamara Judith Kaplan, I love you.

Will you really marry me?

Okay, you guys, we totally
saved the best for last.

Get ready for Lacey Hamilton

playing her super cool daughter, Jenna.

Time to watch the mother
of all humiliations.

Hi, I'm Jenna Hamilton.

I like to write

and read and hang out with
my best friend, Tamara.

Are you in the house tonight?

Holla at your girl!

Oh, God, make it stop.

You know, a few years ago,
people might have thought

I was depressing because of
some things that happened.

You mean when you tried to kill yourself?

Right. But you know what?

That was an accident,

and I'm not the person that
I was sophomore year, okay?

My mom was bombing up there.

Maybe she had a point. Why
couldn't I just take a joke?

If I didn't see the humor in my past,

then I guess I deserved to
be called most depressing.

That's it, I wasn't gonna sit here

and watch another person tell
me who Jenna Hamilton was.

Hey, Mom.

You forgot the most important part.

My super cool cast, duh.

So listen, two years
ago, I was Suicide Girl,

and I would complain about
it all the time in my blog.

Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm so misunderstood.

Insert clich? Taylor
Swift song lyric here.

But it wasn't all that bad.

I got to date the hottest guy in school,

and after I was Jenna,
Matty McKibben's girlfriend,

I was Jenna, backstabbing stoner.

Gosh, what next?

And then, I was the girlfriend
of the hot, smart, college guy.

My parents loved him.

And then I was the most
shocking identity of them all...

popular!

But now I'm back to being me,

a girl who's just happy
to be in her hoodie,

and who can be a bitch to her mom

when she really doesn't deserve it.

So yeah, that's who I am.

Take it or leave it, bitches.

My mom may not have deserved my wrath,

but I knew someone who did.

Ally, what are you doing here?

I told security to keep all drunk hags out.

I wasn't gonna miss
seeing my favorite witch

get burned at the stake.

Did I do okay? I was so nervous.

You were great.

Where did you learn all that stuff?

- Well...
- I, uh...

I paid attention, sweetheart.

What do you say about having your first

sleepover at my place?

I made up the guest bedroom for you.

I'd like that, Mom.

You called me Mom.

Does this mean that I can get a hug?

Let's not ruin a nice moment.

You're welcome.

Hey, T. Did you end it?

Yep, I ended the play-acting
and ended the game-playing.

This [bleep] is for real!

You accepted a real ring?

Why would you do that?

I panicked, okay?

He just looked so cute and vulnerable

bent down on one knee.

- I couldn't say no.
- This has gone too far.

I know, I'm gonna tell
him the truth tomorrow.

I just wanted to have
one night with this ring.

I mean, hello, it's freaking gorge.

- Look at the carats.
- Hey, Jenna.

Yo, dude, you slayed it out there.

- Yeah.
- You're a freaking murderer.

It's because I'm one
cool chick, right, Matty?

What?

Are you mad at what I
wrote in your yearbook?

No. Of course not.

It was so thoughtful and heartfelt.

I could tell you really
had to dig deep for it.

Oh, come on.

No, Matty, you come on.

After all that we've been through

and I'm still just "one cool chick" to you?

- No, you're...
- What?

A nice hookup?

An expert college essay writer?

An awesome camp counselor, what?

You're my best friend.

But you're also a nice hookup

and a great writer.

You're not the best camp counselor, though.

You're kind of bad at
making arts and crafts.

Please, like you're so great at it.

Gosh, it feels so good to
get out of that side braid.

The pulling, how did you do
that every day for two years?

Are you ready?

See you later, best friend.

You want to know the best
part about knowing who I was?

That Matty did too.