Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 3 - Jenna in Wonderland - full transcript
While Jenna gets a taste of popularity, Matty struggles with being shunned. Meanwhile, Jake goes after a new girl, and Ally hosts a sex toy party.
Previously on Awkward...
You have become cool.
Ah, Matty [beep] McKibben!
Things were different.
I'd want it to be way more than a hookup.
Things are pretty different.
Get some sleep, honey.
By all online accounts,
I had both thrown and
missed the event of the year.
It was clearly a great party,
which was awesome for everyone who went,
but not so awesome for me.
_
_
Each new photo and every nice message
reminded me of exactly how
much fun I have missed out on.
I told myself to turn off my phone,
but I couldn't looked away.
I was drowning in a sea
of selfies and self-pity.
I needed something to
cushion the fomo blow.
I needed cupcakes.
A little sugar always remedied my sads.
Hey, hands off.
Those are for Ally's sex toy party.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, Mom. That's exactly what
I'd call penis cupcakes. Cute.
- Cute or cliché?
- What am I looking at?
Swallow and dove wedding cake toppers.
- Hey, Jenna.
- I've created a Pinterest board
for both because they're
life-maters like barn owls,
and termites and Tom Brady and Giselle.
What's up, Jenna?
You created a Pinterest for a fake wedding?
I had to. Do you know how
much stuff is out there
waiting to be pinned
when you're a bride to be?
Do you know how insane it is
that you've kept up the charade
and haven't told Adam the truth?
I can't just tell him the truth.
- Jenna.
- To go from fiancé
to fianc-ex without any warning is like,
I never intended to be his intended.
- Just...
- Hi.
Give me and my wedding
a few more days together.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Why is everyone
so post-party partial to you?
You were there for, like,
a full half a second.
I didn't even think
anyone noticed us anyway.
Apparently somebody noticed something.
Hey, Jenna. Sweet party yesterday.
Big ups.
Thanks, Troy Langworthy.
Big ups to you too.
Troy Langworthy just spoke to me.
I'm as shocked as you are.
About that and about the fact
you said "big ups" out loud.
It doesn't even make any sense.
He only hangs out with the Julies.
Why am I on his radar?
Put a flavored condom on your head
because your mind is about to get blown.
Jenna, you're legit popular.
Jenna, your party was the balls.
People literally won't shut
their ham holes about it.
Let's selfie.
Was short-circuiting the school
and throwing a killer beach party
all it took to get tagged by the Julies?
This was my moment to shine,
and this selfie would
capture it forever and ever.
Ew!
We can't post this.
The jig was up. They saw I was
an accidental tourist in Popularland.
Jenna, don't get self defensie, but...
You've got spaz face.
Severe.
Fix it and we'll reshoot at lunch.
This is weird.
This is Lady Gaga's story.
Sad spaz teen turned global phenomenon.
That over there? That is weird.
Jabby has gone public and it's
mouth hugging all over our quad.
Jenna, hey.
Thanks for getting my drunk
butt home after your beach party.
Just a couple of follow ups.
Did I pee in anyone's yard?
And, was I wearing more than
one shoe when you got me?
Hold up, Sir Drinks-A-Lot.
Did baby get blackout?
Hazy brownout.
It's only the end of
the party that's sketchy.
- What a dick.
- Hilarious.
What is that?
Your bender is a trender.
And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!
And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!
I knew Matty has been wasted at the party.
I didn't know he committed social suicide.
A guy like Matty losing his cool like that
was viral gold.
I'm such an ass[beep].
Yeah, you are.
Matty [beep] McKibben.
A bunch of Ally's stupid,
sloppy, sex-starved friends
alcohol-poisoning themselves
and shopping for boink toys?
It's going to be a total freak show.
There is no way I'm missing it.
Lissa, heel!
Sorry.
Ally's not allowing
man-parts at her dildo fest
that aren't battery operated,
so Sergio's out and you're in.
I can't go. I'm grounded.
For what?
I don't know. Mommy won't tell me.
What happened to your face?
Mommy's doing migraine braids on me again.
She's been extra uptight and stressy
since Daddy moved in with DeAndre.
Well, she needs to de-stress
so you can have your face back.
I know! I taught her some Atonercises,
but they just seem to wind her up more.
When God made your mommy, he
put a stick way up her ass.
It's going to take a lot more than exercise
to make her happy.
I should get her a puppy!
No, what that psycho ward needs to unwind
is, like, a Hawaiian vacation
or two dozen hot stone massages
or, duh, I bet a good boning would help.
We're going on a triple date
with hot college guys tonight.
Just don't be a spaz.
Yeah, be careful of your face.
What? Wait.
I'm going on the triple date?
Obvi. Do the math.
Three guys, two Julies.
It's too much for us on a weeknight.
Make a hole, newbies!
Where were you on her blog?
Move it!
Hey, can Tamara come and
make it a quadruple date?
Oh, Tamara can't.
What? Why?
'Cause, I am still otherwise engaged.
It would be inappropes for
me to go on a triple date.
But, Jenna, you should embrace
this new rung on the populadder.
Just promise me you'll tell
me what it's like up there.
Hey, can I sit here?
Everyone had seen the video
of Matty losing his cool,
and now they were treating
Matty [beep] McKibben
like he was the black [beep] plague.
No one wanted the plague at their table.
Not the jocks, not the preps,
not even the band guys.
Hashtag poor Matty.
Such a tragedy.
You should stop that before it trends.
Hey, are you okay? You
look a little... lost.
Uh, yeah, well, I-I feel it.
The weirdest [beep] has been
happening to me all day long.
Hey.
Trevor.
Leroy.
I mean, this is messed up, right?
Oh!
Did you just see that?
It's like I'm not even
here. Am I invisible?
Matty, you're not invisible.
You're unpopular.
I know I acted like a complete
d-bag, but this is brutal.
Everyone is shutting me out.
I'm sorry, Matty.
You never would have been such an ass[beep]
if you hadn't been blindsided
about Jake and Gabby.
I should've told you.
Yeah, you think?
Well, it was a weird position to be in.
And why do I always end up
with all the weird dirt
on your girlfriends?
It's like some twisted cosmic joke.
And what do I do with
all the unwanted info?
Because our relationship
is really confusing.
As your friend, yeah, I should've told you.
But as your ex, it's so not my business.
How do we navigate this
next time it happens?
I mean, do I decide if I'm
feeling friend-ier or ex-ier?
You've definitely been
putting some thought into this.
Shut up.
No, I'm just... I'm pissed at myself
for being such an idiot.
I'm a joke.
It'll blow over.
- Uh...
- Meantime, lift up your tray.
- What? Why?
- Now!
- Yeah, that's why.
- Hey!
Which one of you [beep] heads threw that?
- Shut up!
- Sit down.
Sit down. It's nothing personal.
They just throw stuff
over here in a general way.
That's awful.
- And wasteful.
- J!
- Hurry up.
- We're bouncing out.
Um, I have to go.
I'm grabbing froyo with some friends.
Which friends?
Julie, Julie, and... Troy Langworthy.
Troy Bangworthy?
It's not like that. Troy
and I are just friends.
Right.
But you can do this.
Just keep your tray up and your head down.
Jenna doesn't know anything.
She was never this close to the bottom.
Not like you and me.
And Leroy.
We can help you.
If you want to survive in
the netherworld of the uncool,
you can't think how you used to think.
Are you hungry, McKibben?
Those harpies will starve you.
The lunch ladies might
normally be on your jock,
but that siren song
ain't going to feed you.
If you want to eat, you
have to think like us.
Home-ec trash is a hungry man's treasure.
Consider the regular bathroom off limits.
Bad things can happen in there
now that you're the unwashed.
Use this place instead.
There's no toilet.
Screw your old friends.
These spiders are great listeners.
And they're always here for you.
Hello, gorgeous.
What's that?
Always be prepared with
a change of clothes.
You got lucky with that pudding cup.
Wow. Okay.
Kyle, Leroy, thanks for all of this.
But I think this has to be
the last stop on the tour.
It is the last stop on the tour.
No, I mean, I can't live like this.
The bucket, the trash can cinnamon rolls,
insects for friends.
Spiders are arachnids.
If you don't like cinnamon rolls,
they throw away other stuff.
I'm sorry, guys.
Let me help you, Mommy.
Elbows up an itsy bit more
for Prayer Power Squats.
Good.
You've been Atonercising a lot lately.
It's so good for releasing stress.
Do you feel like you're
releasing stress, Mommy?
Do I look like I'm releasing stress, Lissa?
Maybe we should do some stretches.
It'll loosen you up.
I don't want to loosen
up. That's the problem
with this world. It's too damn loose.
But, Mommy, sometimes is good to...
open things up.
Are you talking about sex?
No, I was talking about yoga.
Because we don't talk about
those things in this house.
I wasn't, I swear.
Intercourse is for procreation,
not recreation.
Well, sometimes it can be for both.
I just mean, if you're doing
it for the right reasons,
you can probably get
some pleasure out of it.
No, it don't work like that, Lissa.
Trust me, I know from experience.
With Daddy?
Well, of course with Daddy.
We must have done it half a dozen times.
And you never...?
- Never what?
- Felt anything?
You know like a...
a little sneeze in your Suzy?
Who is Suzy?
Lissa!
We don't discuss these
things in this house.
And I-I certainly don't
discuss these things
with my 18-year-old daughter.
You're right, Mommy, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Hey! I have an idea.
How about we get out of
the house and go for a ride?
Hey, Jake.
Can we talk for a second?
Sure.
Look, I was...
an ass[beep] at the beach.
A lot of [beep] had gone down.
You have to admit that.
And I was just totally wasted.
Yeah, I know you were wasted.
That's the problem.
People say the truest
[beep] when they're drunk.
I didn't mean any of it, you know that.
Okay, man.
I just hope you got it all off your chest.
Today had been crazy.
But crazy felt pretty good.
After four years on the outside,
I was suddenly in the
epicenter of Popularland.
The only problem,
I have never gone out with the in-crowd,
so I had no clue what to wear
on a triple date with the Julies.
Lucky for me, I had a secret weapon.
Mom!
What is it, honey? Oh, crap, wait.
Ally! Will you take the
mini-wieners off the stove?
I've never done a mini-wiener.
And I'm not starting now.
What do you need, sweetie?
The party is about to start.
I need help with my outfit.
I thought this day would never come.
Me neither.
But I'm going out with the Julies,
and three college guys...
tonight.
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Oh, I always knew you had it in you.
Mm.
You don't worry about a thing.
Mama's here.
Ugh! You weren't actually
considering wearing this?
Because it should be burned.
- What about this?
- Ugh!
How was I gonna pull off being popular
when I couldn't even
pick out the right shirt?
What did I say? What's wrong?
It's just... even if I was
wearing the right color shirt,
I could still mess this up.
I mean, what if I say something stupid
or embarrass myself?
You won't.
You're stepping out of your comfort zone.
But no matter what you wear,
you are still you on the inside.
A smart, funny, sensitive young lady.
But since you have such a great rack
on the outside...
How about throwing some sparkles on it?
Work your assets.
Put this on.
Hm.
Oh.
My mom had giving me the confidence
to fully embrace my popularity.
And to a sequins on a school night.
Okay, maybe not totally
confident on that last part.
Are you sure the sparkly top is best?
I mean, one of these could be good too?
Little bitch got boobs!
I have the perfect
clamps for those honkers.
I'll even give you a discount.
I'm feeling generous after
that shot of edible body lotion.
Sorry, honey. Ignore her.
Like that's possible.
Why can't she have her party at her house?
Party is not for me, Hot Tits.
It's for your knocked-up mama.
Growing a small human in her stomach
makes her feel like a
beached whale in heat.
She needs tools and lubricants
to find her ocean again.
We're here for Jenna.
Oh, it doesn't bite. But I do.
Thanks, Ally.
Hello. Good evening. Hi, there. Wow!
- Tall.
- Calm down, Mom.
Yeah, you have some
bull riding to do, Jugs.
Need a harness?
I think I got some in my trunk.
It was my first night out
with popularity, and I had to admit...
Their defense pretty much shuts down
everyone's running game, man.
- How amaze.
- Come on.
Let's selfie.
It was... different
than I'd imagined it'd be.
Their pass rush is the real problem.
- Yes.
- Okay, what's that?
Imagine my left arm is the defense,
my right arm is the offense, right?
My face is the ball.
If the quarterback is on the offense...
I was sure that soon
we'd be having real fun and
making some great memories.
Just like the ones I'd seen the
Julies post pics of on Facebook.
That was definitely gonna happen, right?
Yo, hold up, hold up.
She should pretend to be the quarterback.
- Yes!
- Yes.
Okay, I'm gonna bend over.
I need you to put both
your hands under my butt.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
We're toasting and posting.
[beep] Jenna, your face.
Come on, bisnitches.
Look like you're having the best time ever.
We were definitely trying to,
but something felt fake about it all.
Maybe because it was all fake?
Hello?
Are you kidding?
It's always nice to hear from you.
Nope, I'm totally free
tonight. What is going on?
Uh, yeah, I'll see you soon.
A little fur goes a long way, ladies.
Add some warming gel
and it's a wild kingdom.
Lissa? I thought you were grounded.
She absolutely is.
You said we were going to
a pot luck at Pastor Ned's.
I thought it could be fun to
try something a little different
than Pastor Ned's.
Get out of the house. Talk to people.
Right, Mommy?
- No.
- Yeah!
Lissa, this is...
Look, Mrs. Miller.
They have white wine.
Your favorite.
Stay for one drink.
Fine. But just one.
And that's it.
My mojo has flatlined,
and Kev's willing to do whatever it takes
to give it a pulse.
Oh, well, that one he can give it a pulse
from work on his phone.
I mean, you have to be Nancy Grace
not to feel sexy with these suckers on.
Return to stupid.
I have a man, boozebag.
But does Sergio vibrate?
When I tell him to.
Ooh!
Ah.
Well, I need to lie down.
Oh, honey, you can use my room.
Oh.
Lissa, where is my purse?
Your purse.
Party favor for your mom.
She is so [beep] stiff.
Yeah, it's been a pretty [beep] day.
I'm just glad is over
and we get to hang out.
I'm always here for you, Matty.
Cool. So, who's this band again?
Morbidly Obtuse.
They're so good.
They make me want to
light my toenails on fire.
Hey.
You want to take a picture
before the show starts?
What for? It's all in here, buddy.
Edible lotions are low-cal.
This one's watermelon.
Fantastic tequila chaser.
Try it.
It's like kissing a unicorn.
- Mm.
- Sweetie, is your mom okay?
She's been in there a long time.
Mm-hmm. Sometimes she naps all day.
Oh.
Mommy, you're glowing!
Oh, honey, I had a headache,
so I-I opened my purse
for an ibuprofen and...
I don't even remember the last 17 minutes.
Thank you, snugglebug.
You were right.
This was more fun than Pastor Ned's.
Now, let's scoot home and
pray for these filthy whores.
My bad.
I had tumbled further down the rabbit hole
and landed in Suckland,
where some people sucked face
and others just... sucked.
Hello, Earth to Janeane?
I think we're supposed to be making out.
Jenna!
J, you're making us look bad.
Sitting over there like a
frozen virgin snow princess.
- So depressing.
- That's a college guy.
College.
You have to at least get your hands dirty.
For the first time, the Julies' words
didn't sound like nonsensical gibberish.
They were absolutely right.
I did have a reputation to keep.
He'll settle for a handy,
but next level would be great for everyone.
Just don't embarrass us, Spaz Face.
I won't.
I'm getting an Uber out of here.
And some pizza.
We're ordering pizza?
Okay, pizza will be ready in 15.
Luckily I have these two bridal magazines
that need our attention before
I call the whole thing off.
If tonight was what being popular meant,
then popularity was for losers.
- And I wanted nothing to do with it.
- _
I wanted to be with my real friends.
Planning my best friend's fake wedding
or hanging out with the
most unpopular guy I know.
_
_
Hey, man, turn off your phone and rock out!
Man, you are Matty [beep] McKibben!
I'd climbed to populadder,
and from up here...
I could see that popularity
was built on the way things looked,
- not the way things were.
- _
And here I was, at the top,
eating pizza with my BFF
and taking my best selfie of the day.
T, let's take a selfie.
Smile or not smile?
Definitely smiling.
- Next on Awkward
- Beavis and Gay had hijacked our yearbook.
Most basic is not a senior superlative.
Oh, Jenna, look, you got something.
- Most depressing?
- It's perfect!
- Perfect for what?
- The mother-daughter
senior banquet.
They're girls,
but they're moms
pretending to be girls.
Do you love or do you lo-ove?
Now to see what Matty thought of me.
You have become cool.
Ah, Matty [beep] McKibben!
Things were different.
I'd want it to be way more than a hookup.
Things are pretty different.
Get some sleep, honey.
By all online accounts,
I had both thrown and
missed the event of the year.
It was clearly a great party,
which was awesome for everyone who went,
but not so awesome for me.
_
_
Each new photo and every nice message
reminded me of exactly how
much fun I have missed out on.
I told myself to turn off my phone,
but I couldn't looked away.
I was drowning in a sea
of selfies and self-pity.
I needed something to
cushion the fomo blow.
I needed cupcakes.
A little sugar always remedied my sads.
Hey, hands off.
Those are for Ally's sex toy party.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, Mom. That's exactly what
I'd call penis cupcakes. Cute.
- Cute or cliché?
- What am I looking at?
Swallow and dove wedding cake toppers.
- Hey, Jenna.
- I've created a Pinterest board
for both because they're
life-maters like barn owls,
and termites and Tom Brady and Giselle.
What's up, Jenna?
You created a Pinterest for a fake wedding?
I had to. Do you know how
much stuff is out there
waiting to be pinned
when you're a bride to be?
Do you know how insane it is
that you've kept up the charade
and haven't told Adam the truth?
I can't just tell him the truth.
- Jenna.
- To go from fiancé
to fianc-ex without any warning is like,
I never intended to be his intended.
- Just...
- Hi.
Give me and my wedding
a few more days together.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Why is everyone
so post-party partial to you?
You were there for, like,
a full half a second.
I didn't even think
anyone noticed us anyway.
Apparently somebody noticed something.
Hey, Jenna. Sweet party yesterday.
Big ups.
Thanks, Troy Langworthy.
Big ups to you too.
Troy Langworthy just spoke to me.
I'm as shocked as you are.
About that and about the fact
you said "big ups" out loud.
It doesn't even make any sense.
He only hangs out with the Julies.
Why am I on his radar?
Put a flavored condom on your head
because your mind is about to get blown.
Jenna, you're legit popular.
Jenna, your party was the balls.
People literally won't shut
their ham holes about it.
Let's selfie.
Was short-circuiting the school
and throwing a killer beach party
all it took to get tagged by the Julies?
This was my moment to shine,
and this selfie would
capture it forever and ever.
Ew!
We can't post this.
The jig was up. They saw I was
an accidental tourist in Popularland.
Jenna, don't get self defensie, but...
You've got spaz face.
Severe.
Fix it and we'll reshoot at lunch.
This is weird.
This is Lady Gaga's story.
Sad spaz teen turned global phenomenon.
That over there? That is weird.
Jabby has gone public and it's
mouth hugging all over our quad.
Jenna, hey.
Thanks for getting my drunk
butt home after your beach party.
Just a couple of follow ups.
Did I pee in anyone's yard?
And, was I wearing more than
one shoe when you got me?
Hold up, Sir Drinks-A-Lot.
Did baby get blackout?
Hazy brownout.
It's only the end of
the party that's sketchy.
- What a dick.
- Hilarious.
What is that?
Your bender is a trender.
And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!
And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!
I knew Matty has been wasted at the party.
I didn't know he committed social suicide.
A guy like Matty losing his cool like that
was viral gold.
I'm such an ass[beep].
Yeah, you are.
Matty [beep] McKibben.
A bunch of Ally's stupid,
sloppy, sex-starved friends
alcohol-poisoning themselves
and shopping for boink toys?
It's going to be a total freak show.
There is no way I'm missing it.
Lissa, heel!
Sorry.
Ally's not allowing
man-parts at her dildo fest
that aren't battery operated,
so Sergio's out and you're in.
I can't go. I'm grounded.
For what?
I don't know. Mommy won't tell me.
What happened to your face?
Mommy's doing migraine braids on me again.
She's been extra uptight and stressy
since Daddy moved in with DeAndre.
Well, she needs to de-stress
so you can have your face back.
I know! I taught her some Atonercises,
but they just seem to wind her up more.
When God made your mommy, he
put a stick way up her ass.
It's going to take a lot more than exercise
to make her happy.
I should get her a puppy!
No, what that psycho ward needs to unwind
is, like, a Hawaiian vacation
or two dozen hot stone massages
or, duh, I bet a good boning would help.
We're going on a triple date
with hot college guys tonight.
Just don't be a spaz.
Yeah, be careful of your face.
What? Wait.
I'm going on the triple date?
Obvi. Do the math.
Three guys, two Julies.
It's too much for us on a weeknight.
Make a hole, newbies!
Where were you on her blog?
Move it!
Hey, can Tamara come and
make it a quadruple date?
Oh, Tamara can't.
What? Why?
'Cause, I am still otherwise engaged.
It would be inappropes for
me to go on a triple date.
But, Jenna, you should embrace
this new rung on the populadder.
Just promise me you'll tell
me what it's like up there.
Hey, can I sit here?
Everyone had seen the video
of Matty losing his cool,
and now they were treating
Matty [beep] McKibben
like he was the black [beep] plague.
No one wanted the plague at their table.
Not the jocks, not the preps,
not even the band guys.
Hashtag poor Matty.
Such a tragedy.
You should stop that before it trends.
Hey, are you okay? You
look a little... lost.
Uh, yeah, well, I-I feel it.
The weirdest [beep] has been
happening to me all day long.
Hey.
Trevor.
Leroy.
I mean, this is messed up, right?
Oh!
Did you just see that?
It's like I'm not even
here. Am I invisible?
Matty, you're not invisible.
You're unpopular.
I know I acted like a complete
d-bag, but this is brutal.
Everyone is shutting me out.
I'm sorry, Matty.
You never would have been such an ass[beep]
if you hadn't been blindsided
about Jake and Gabby.
I should've told you.
Yeah, you think?
Well, it was a weird position to be in.
And why do I always end up
with all the weird dirt
on your girlfriends?
It's like some twisted cosmic joke.
And what do I do with
all the unwanted info?
Because our relationship
is really confusing.
As your friend, yeah, I should've told you.
But as your ex, it's so not my business.
How do we navigate this
next time it happens?
I mean, do I decide if I'm
feeling friend-ier or ex-ier?
You've definitely been
putting some thought into this.
Shut up.
No, I'm just... I'm pissed at myself
for being such an idiot.
I'm a joke.
It'll blow over.
- Uh...
- Meantime, lift up your tray.
- What? Why?
- Now!
- Yeah, that's why.
- Hey!
Which one of you [beep] heads threw that?
- Shut up!
- Sit down.
Sit down. It's nothing personal.
They just throw stuff
over here in a general way.
That's awful.
- And wasteful.
- J!
- Hurry up.
- We're bouncing out.
Um, I have to go.
I'm grabbing froyo with some friends.
Which friends?
Julie, Julie, and... Troy Langworthy.
Troy Bangworthy?
It's not like that. Troy
and I are just friends.
Right.
But you can do this.
Just keep your tray up and your head down.
Jenna doesn't know anything.
She was never this close to the bottom.
Not like you and me.
And Leroy.
We can help you.
If you want to survive in
the netherworld of the uncool,
you can't think how you used to think.
Are you hungry, McKibben?
Those harpies will starve you.
The lunch ladies might
normally be on your jock,
but that siren song
ain't going to feed you.
If you want to eat, you
have to think like us.
Home-ec trash is a hungry man's treasure.
Consider the regular bathroom off limits.
Bad things can happen in there
now that you're the unwashed.
Use this place instead.
There's no toilet.
Screw your old friends.
These spiders are great listeners.
And they're always here for you.
Hello, gorgeous.
What's that?
Always be prepared with
a change of clothes.
You got lucky with that pudding cup.
Wow. Okay.
Kyle, Leroy, thanks for all of this.
But I think this has to be
the last stop on the tour.
It is the last stop on the tour.
No, I mean, I can't live like this.
The bucket, the trash can cinnamon rolls,
insects for friends.
Spiders are arachnids.
If you don't like cinnamon rolls,
they throw away other stuff.
I'm sorry, guys.
Let me help you, Mommy.
Elbows up an itsy bit more
for Prayer Power Squats.
Good.
You've been Atonercising a lot lately.
It's so good for releasing stress.
Do you feel like you're
releasing stress, Mommy?
Do I look like I'm releasing stress, Lissa?
Maybe we should do some stretches.
It'll loosen you up.
I don't want to loosen
up. That's the problem
with this world. It's too damn loose.
But, Mommy, sometimes is good to...
open things up.
Are you talking about sex?
No, I was talking about yoga.
Because we don't talk about
those things in this house.
I wasn't, I swear.
Intercourse is for procreation,
not recreation.
Well, sometimes it can be for both.
I just mean, if you're doing
it for the right reasons,
you can probably get
some pleasure out of it.
No, it don't work like that, Lissa.
Trust me, I know from experience.
With Daddy?
Well, of course with Daddy.
We must have done it half a dozen times.
And you never...?
- Never what?
- Felt anything?
You know like a...
a little sneeze in your Suzy?
Who is Suzy?
Lissa!
We don't discuss these
things in this house.
And I-I certainly don't
discuss these things
with my 18-year-old daughter.
You're right, Mommy, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Hey! I have an idea.
How about we get out of
the house and go for a ride?
Hey, Jake.
Can we talk for a second?
Sure.
Look, I was...
an ass[beep] at the beach.
A lot of [beep] had gone down.
You have to admit that.
And I was just totally wasted.
Yeah, I know you were wasted.
That's the problem.
People say the truest
[beep] when they're drunk.
I didn't mean any of it, you know that.
Okay, man.
I just hope you got it all off your chest.
Today had been crazy.
But crazy felt pretty good.
After four years on the outside,
I was suddenly in the
epicenter of Popularland.
The only problem,
I have never gone out with the in-crowd,
so I had no clue what to wear
on a triple date with the Julies.
Lucky for me, I had a secret weapon.
Mom!
What is it, honey? Oh, crap, wait.
Ally! Will you take the
mini-wieners off the stove?
I've never done a mini-wiener.
And I'm not starting now.
What do you need, sweetie?
The party is about to start.
I need help with my outfit.
I thought this day would never come.
Me neither.
But I'm going out with the Julies,
and three college guys...
tonight.
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Oh, I always knew you had it in you.
Mm.
You don't worry about a thing.
Mama's here.
Ugh! You weren't actually
considering wearing this?
Because it should be burned.
- What about this?
- Ugh!
How was I gonna pull off being popular
when I couldn't even
pick out the right shirt?
What did I say? What's wrong?
It's just... even if I was
wearing the right color shirt,
I could still mess this up.
I mean, what if I say something stupid
or embarrass myself?
You won't.
You're stepping out of your comfort zone.
But no matter what you wear,
you are still you on the inside.
A smart, funny, sensitive young lady.
But since you have such a great rack
on the outside...
How about throwing some sparkles on it?
Work your assets.
Put this on.
Hm.
Oh.
My mom had giving me the confidence
to fully embrace my popularity.
And to a sequins on a school night.
Okay, maybe not totally
confident on that last part.
Are you sure the sparkly top is best?
I mean, one of these could be good too?
Little bitch got boobs!
I have the perfect
clamps for those honkers.
I'll even give you a discount.
I'm feeling generous after
that shot of edible body lotion.
Sorry, honey. Ignore her.
Like that's possible.
Why can't she have her party at her house?
Party is not for me, Hot Tits.
It's for your knocked-up mama.
Growing a small human in her stomach
makes her feel like a
beached whale in heat.
She needs tools and lubricants
to find her ocean again.
We're here for Jenna.
Oh, it doesn't bite. But I do.
Thanks, Ally.
Hello. Good evening. Hi, there. Wow!
- Tall.
- Calm down, Mom.
Yeah, you have some
bull riding to do, Jugs.
Need a harness?
I think I got some in my trunk.
It was my first night out
with popularity, and I had to admit...
Their defense pretty much shuts down
everyone's running game, man.
- How amaze.
- Come on.
Let's selfie.
It was... different
than I'd imagined it'd be.
Their pass rush is the real problem.
- Yes.
- Okay, what's that?
Imagine my left arm is the defense,
my right arm is the offense, right?
My face is the ball.
If the quarterback is on the offense...
I was sure that soon
we'd be having real fun and
making some great memories.
Just like the ones I'd seen the
Julies post pics of on Facebook.
That was definitely gonna happen, right?
Yo, hold up, hold up.
She should pretend to be the quarterback.
- Yes!
- Yes.
Okay, I'm gonna bend over.
I need you to put both
your hands under my butt.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
We're toasting and posting.
[beep] Jenna, your face.
Come on, bisnitches.
Look like you're having the best time ever.
We were definitely trying to,
but something felt fake about it all.
Maybe because it was all fake?
Hello?
Are you kidding?
It's always nice to hear from you.
Nope, I'm totally free
tonight. What is going on?
Uh, yeah, I'll see you soon.
A little fur goes a long way, ladies.
Add some warming gel
and it's a wild kingdom.
Lissa? I thought you were grounded.
She absolutely is.
You said we were going to
a pot luck at Pastor Ned's.
I thought it could be fun to
try something a little different
than Pastor Ned's.
Get out of the house. Talk to people.
Right, Mommy?
- No.
- Yeah!
Lissa, this is...
Look, Mrs. Miller.
They have white wine.
Your favorite.
Stay for one drink.
Fine. But just one.
And that's it.
My mojo has flatlined,
and Kev's willing to do whatever it takes
to give it a pulse.
Oh, well, that one he can give it a pulse
from work on his phone.
I mean, you have to be Nancy Grace
not to feel sexy with these suckers on.
Return to stupid.
I have a man, boozebag.
But does Sergio vibrate?
When I tell him to.
Ooh!
Ah.
Well, I need to lie down.
Oh, honey, you can use my room.
Oh.
Lissa, where is my purse?
Your purse.
Party favor for your mom.
She is so [beep] stiff.
Yeah, it's been a pretty [beep] day.
I'm just glad is over
and we get to hang out.
I'm always here for you, Matty.
Cool. So, who's this band again?
Morbidly Obtuse.
They're so good.
They make me want to
light my toenails on fire.
Hey.
You want to take a picture
before the show starts?
What for? It's all in here, buddy.
Edible lotions are low-cal.
This one's watermelon.
Fantastic tequila chaser.
Try it.
It's like kissing a unicorn.
- Mm.
- Sweetie, is your mom okay?
She's been in there a long time.
Mm-hmm. Sometimes she naps all day.
Oh.
Mommy, you're glowing!
Oh, honey, I had a headache,
so I-I opened my purse
for an ibuprofen and...
I don't even remember the last 17 minutes.
Thank you, snugglebug.
You were right.
This was more fun than Pastor Ned's.
Now, let's scoot home and
pray for these filthy whores.
My bad.
I had tumbled further down the rabbit hole
and landed in Suckland,
where some people sucked face
and others just... sucked.
Hello, Earth to Janeane?
I think we're supposed to be making out.
Jenna!
J, you're making us look bad.
Sitting over there like a
frozen virgin snow princess.
- So depressing.
- That's a college guy.
College.
You have to at least get your hands dirty.
For the first time, the Julies' words
didn't sound like nonsensical gibberish.
They were absolutely right.
I did have a reputation to keep.
He'll settle for a handy,
but next level would be great for everyone.
Just don't embarrass us, Spaz Face.
I won't.
I'm getting an Uber out of here.
And some pizza.
We're ordering pizza?
Okay, pizza will be ready in 15.
Luckily I have these two bridal magazines
that need our attention before
I call the whole thing off.
If tonight was what being popular meant,
then popularity was for losers.
- And I wanted nothing to do with it.
- _
I wanted to be with my real friends.
Planning my best friend's fake wedding
or hanging out with the
most unpopular guy I know.
_
_
Hey, man, turn off your phone and rock out!
Man, you are Matty [beep] McKibben!
I'd climbed to populadder,
and from up here...
I could see that popularity
was built on the way things looked,
- not the way things were.
- _
And here I was, at the top,
eating pizza with my BFF
and taking my best selfie of the day.
T, let's take a selfie.
Smile or not smile?
Definitely smiling.
- Next on Awkward
- Beavis and Gay had hijacked our yearbook.
Most basic is not a senior superlative.
Oh, Jenna, look, you got something.
- Most depressing?
- It's perfect!
- Perfect for what?
- The mother-daughter
senior banquet.
They're girls,
but they're moms
pretending to be girls.
Do you love or do you lo-ove?
Now to see what Matty thought of me.