Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 2 - Short Circuit Party - full transcript
Jenna causes an accident at school that has surprising results. Meanwhile Matty must deal with the aftermath of his confrontation with Jake.
(Jenna) Previously, on Awkward...
- This is a pretty epic prank. [all cheering]
(man) Hats off, it's awesome.
We really screwed up, Jake.
It was my first time, and with you.
(Jenna) Jake and Gabby had cheated on Matty?
Sadie, it's your mom.
Hi, sweetheart.
He was gonna break up with you. He said he was still into Jenna.
You know what, Matty? I [bleep] Jake.
(all) Oh!
Did you know?
(Jenna) It was the morning after Senior Prank,
and what was once frothy, foamy fun
in the decadent strobe lights of reckless abandon
was now sticky shame in the fluorescent light of day.
This is so disgusting.
Ugh, I hate cleaning. It makes everything pruny.
Don't be such overachievers.
We're responsible for a little foam,
not 800 years of institutional filth.
- Your turn. - Oh, no,
I don't do custodial.
Poor Little Rich Bitch's bitch mom comes back in town,
and now she's too good for our ranks.
Aw, so not true.
I was always too good for your ranks.
And don't call my mom a bitch. It's disrespectful.
[phone ringing]
Darlene, if you want to make yourself useful,
get me out of this [bleep] hole and take me to breakfast.
See ya!
Bonding with Moms. Sorry.
Nice try.
This is your doing.
And you should be thanking us, not oppressing us.
Do you know how expensive
foam machines and strobe lights are?
If Theo hadn't stolen them from that circuit party,
our senior prank would be senior rank!
What is in this foam? It sticks like glue.
Rainbows, beer, and horse tranks.
Were there stressed-out horsies?
Not as many as there are here.
(Jenna) Theo had a point.
The ugliness between Matty and Jake,
like the foam, had seeped through the floorboards
and into the morning.
I felt bad for Jake, who had screwed up--
and screwed over-- his best friend.
I felt worse for Matty, who had been blindsided
by his best friend and his girlfriend,
which I had known about, and stayed out of.
What is wrong with these people?
I'm gonna need a double-dose of "dramamine"
to deal with this overdose of dram-o-rama.
(Jenna) The "dram-o-rama" had cast a pall
over the best senior prank in PHHS history.
Something had to be done.
Hey, peeps, lighten up. Only 46 days till graduation!
Ew! Jenna!
[gasps]
What the--
Oh.
[screams]
[students gasping and laughing]
Jenna, I wouldn't--
Oh, I would.
Seriously, don't.
[screams]
[bleep].
Oh, God, get that out of my face, I can't see.
Who put you up to this?
Principal Cox--he said if we didn't to clean up our mess--
Because if this is some sort of plot to drive me out--
Val, are you wearing a bathrobe?
Yeah, I just got out of the girls' shower
when your little act of terrorism
brought my home life to a screeching halt.
Val, this isn't your home. You shouldn't be living here.
Oh, shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't.
Shouldn't leave the fridge door open, Val.
Shouldn't let the cats sleep in our bed, Val.
Ahem.
I wasn't complaining about the cats,
it's my allergies.
Yeah, well, luckily, we are quite comfortable here.
Or will be, once Jenna's wanton act of vandalism
is addressed and the lights come back on.
- It was an accident. - Since is the only place
where I am free to be myself,
where I can put my toothbrush where I want--
stop giving me that look of disapproval, Biggie,
I can feel it--and where no one is allergic to my cats.
Actually, Val, a lot of people are allergic to cats here.
Yeah, just students.
I will go on antihistamines. Please come home.
Say it like you mean it.
You know what? Fine, live at school,
musty, mildewy, nasty, dark school.
Some of us still have 46 days left here, you know!
Okay, Jenna Hamilton, you need to get it together.
[cat screeches]
And that goes for the two of you too.
Fluffernut, share your fish treat.
No, Val, you have to get it together.
You have a great guy who wants to work things out.
Yeah? Well, you broke the school.
You know what? I am not enabling this.
Oh, come on. Where are you going?
To class. Last time I checked, this was still a school.
Hey, you are not dismissed!
I seriously can't handle her. She's lost her--
Yeah, Jenna, she's Mariah CrayCray.
Good thing you've had four years
to reach this astute observation.
Wow, why are you so snippy? And why is it so hot in here?
You fried the school, Jenna. There's no AC to power the AC.
Why isn't anyone in class?
There's no oxygen and we can't read the whiteboard,
so we're crammed in these common areas
like Euro tourists on some "budge" airline.
Congrats, Jenna. You've advanced high school suck
into deep throat territory.
(Darlene) I haven't been to a place
like this in-- well, since--
You know, I hadn't either,
until you abandoned me and left me poor.
[both chuckle]
Well, I love it.
They even have a spa menu. Who knew?
Thank you.
You know, could I get a side of bacon?
Small.
Or maybe large.
What do you think, Darlene, small or large?
Whatever you want, sweetie.
It's not that bad for you.
It's protein.
I even eat it myself sometimes.
Could I get a new fork, please?
Thank you.
(Jenna) Just when I had embraced the fact
that it was my fault today sucked,
I started noticing a little thaw in the 90-degree air.
Granted, we were now outside, but it was something else.
Things weren't just thawing, they were melting.
Eat it up before it melts! Come on!
Gobble, gobble, little pigs!
Jenna, this is getting...
not so bad. Dulce de leche?
Matty, how's your hand?
Bruised from coming into contact with the jawbone of the guy
that screwed my girlfriend. How's yours?
(Jenna) Okay, super specific answer.
He was pissed.
I should have told him about Jake and Gabby.
Have a good one, Jenna.
Just leave well enough alone.
The Matty and Jake bro-up was ugly.
You don't want it to get uglier.
Dude, you boned Matty's girl.
It wasn't really like that.
I heard she was the big V till you.
Sounds like for once someone else got
- what McKibben wanted. [both laughing]
Yeah, wouldn't want to make that any worse.
Uh, I have some terrible news.
Yes, worse than sweating out your body weight
in sweltering hallways while inhaling
the fetid bodily fumes of your fellow classmates.
Thanks to a certain unnamed recalcitrant
whose name may or may not rhyme with "Henna Mammalton,"
school has been cancelled for the duration of the day.
[all cheering]
Jenna, you got us the day off.
(all) Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
Tamara, what is happening?
They think you planned this to get us all out of school.
You're, like, their new leader. Just go with it.
Way to go, Hamilton!
(all) Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton!
(Jenna) If I'd learned anything in high school,
it was that labels happen in the blink of an eye
and take forever to disappear.
But this time, I was Jenna Hamilton, school-breaker,
so why not embrace it?
That's right!
Blackout party at the Beach, bitches!
[all cheering]
Is there booze?
You bet your ass there's booze!
[all cheering]
♪ You make me feel alive ♪
Your parents have buttloads of booze.
I still feel like I should say something to Matty.
Jenna, focus. We have an opportunity.
You have become cool, which makes me cool.
We cannot squander this. There are tons
of thirsty partygoers counting on us.
Okay, just don't touch the vodka.
They buy store brand, which is too sad.
Whoa! Is your mother home?
T, she's pregnant. She would never drink this much.
[cat scratching and meowing]
Oh, no way.
[cat screeches] - [gasps] Oh, my God!
[claws skittering] - [screams]
Very interesting. The things you learn--
Honey, Val told me what you did to the school!
Stop looking at me like that. It's a virgin.
J-town, I'm sorry I came down on you so hard earlier.
You did us all a favor. I can't live at school.
- I can't. - Good.
L-dog says I can stay here until I figure out my next move.
Are you insane?
Sure there's not alcohol in that?
[scoffs] Honey, come here.
She is very vulnerable right now.
I promise you, it will only be a couple days.
You'll hardly notice her.
[cat screeches]
Plus, you owe her for brushing your little stunt under the rug.
Why is she drinking all your alcohol?
Oh. I'm experimenting with artisanal cocktails.
In case Biggie and I ever set a date,
I want the perfect libation served at my wedding.
Set a date? You guys can't even live under the same roof.
She should still be prepared.
Do you know how much planning goes into a wedding?
It is never too soon to get out in front of it.
Your mom thinks it's a terrible idea too.
Oh, I'm just saying you should think it through.
And take it from an old married gal
who only set a date because she had to.
Oh, that's nice.
I'm not saying it didn't turn out great.
I just mean that Val's young
and she seems a little unsure of what she's doing.
Maybe you should experience a little more life
before you commit. You know,
there's a whole big world out there.
You're a wise, wise woman.
Why am I rushing into things?
Why am I--why am I--
[gulps]
Where am I? Okay, spinning.
Honey, I'm gonna deal with this, but you guys should
get out of here. You shut down the school.
You should be partying your asses off.
You have such a great mom.
Top Valu? Seriously?
Did you forget where the liquor store is,
or do we suddenly need ground beef and dryer sheets?
They're cracking down on fakes at the liquor store.
We stand a much better shot here.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
This is where old people buy their booze.
Booze!
- Nice. [all cheering]
Snatch it up, snatches.
[all cheering]
Ugh, this is so uncomfortable.
(Vanessa) Look, not judging,
but you did kind of hang Jake out to dry.
I didn't mean to. I was just so pissed at Matty.
So not cool. I should apologize.
So are you okay? You look extra sad.
No, I feel like [bleep].
Matty hates me because of my dick move with Gabby.
I am such an a-hole. What was I thinking,
screwing over my best friend for some meaningless hookup
with some girl?
Should we be chic married lesbians
or banal carpooling housewives?
We should be quiet and not give any details
that could blow our cover.
Well, I need to know who I'm playing.
Just go get more paper towels.
Jenna, we've OD'd on paper products.
It's not environmentally responsible.
Do you want booze at our party?
- [gasps] What about red cups? - No, dead giveaway.
Then they're gonna know we're gonna drink out of them.
Hey. Great day, huh?
Just dropped the kids off at daycare
and thought I'd stock up, you know.
Taking advantage of those instant savings
on the paper products, which is awesome.
My hubby always says, "Save a penny,"
even with the new promotion at the Bureau.
He's got a 501k now.
401. 501 are the jeans.
Nice work.
At least they agreed not to call the cops.
My husband's going to be very upset
when I don't come home with his vodka.
What are we doing here?
I thought you were driving me back to school.
Oh, I thought you could drive yourself back to school
with a little style.
(specialist) This is a Fiat 500L
with four doors and room for five.
Oh, it's just beautiful. Sadie, what do you think?
I don't need a car.
This is way more than a car.
This is Italian design that'll make it stand out
from everything else on the road.
A spacious interior that has so much space and light,
you'll think you're in an open loft.
I don't need to stand out.
Oh, is that a nav?
Touchscreen navigation, Sirius satellite radio,
Beats premium audio system.
Bluetooth?
Not just Bluetooth, but Uconnect hands-free communication.
I'm not sure she can afford this.
Honey. [laughs]
Of course I can.
When you consider the large cargo capacity
and how fun this thing is to drive--
Oh, no, she can definitely afford the car,
just not my love.
Sadie.
What? Isn't that what you're trying to do?
Or did you just suddenly wake up
accepting and generous this morning?
I am trying to make amends to my beautiful daughter.
She sent me to fat camp.
Well, might I say, it worked very nicely.
Not the point.
You can't just win me back with transparent flattery,
Italian design, and lofty interiors.
Or a 160 horsepower Turbocharged engine?
Or how about the largest panoramic sunroof in its class?
Look, you're right. I don't know how to do this.
All I know is that I'm trying, really, really hard.
You were born to drive this car.
Really? I thought I was born to eat carbohydrates.
Honey, how do you remember all this?
The way you hold on to this food stuff--
Because it's all you ever said to me.
My entire life was framed around your obsession.
I was just trying to help you. I wanted you to be--
The person you wanted me to be?
Why couldn't you just accept me for who I was?
Like all the other mothers?
I mean, Lissa's mom, who's a freak,
put notes in her lunchbox every day
telling her she loved her, and to not touch herself
because God was watching, but still.
I don't--I didn't think like that.
I'm learning, but I can't change the past,
no matter how many times you remind me.
All I can do is try to be a better mother.
And all I can do is try to forgive you.
You will?
Try, I mean?
Not because of the car.
Because I want to move on with my life,
and be the person I want to be.
And praise, and praise.
Raise?
No, praise.
These aren't arm raises, they're "arm praises."
They're part of the new exercise program I invented.
Okay, I don't need an exercise program.
Oh, but it's so much more than that.
It's the ultimate in multitasking
your mind, body and spirit. I call it "atonercising."
And bow, and bow, and bow.
These are called active contritions.
You do them when you're contrite.
Yeah, I think I'm pretty contrite these days.
Well, then what better way to ask God for forgiveness
than through exercise?
Thank you, but I don't think
that it's God that I need to ask for forgiveness.
♪ I'm a killer on the prowl ♪
Check it out, bitches.
♪ So my moves is private ♪
♪ Put your ass down if you move in my list ♪
♪ You better watch your back 'cause my moves is timeless ♪
What the hell?
♪ You know that I'm a killer ♪
♪ And I'm fishing for a victim ♪
♪ I'm a badass chick ♪
I really hope you have a better idea
than using our fakes.
Hey, you. Yeah, you.
- Jenna! - [giggles]
Hey, so my friend and I were wondering
if you could get us a little somethin' somethin'.
Is something wrong with you?
You need to ask?
We'll make it worth your while.
Mm, no.
- Ahem. - Mom, hey.
What are you-- what are you doing here?
Oh, trying to replenish the liquor cabinet
before your father gets home.
Plus, Mama needs a Slim Jim.
These cravings are out of control.
What are you doing here?
Just hangin', with degenerates.
Give me your money.
- What? - Oh, come on,
I know what you're doing. I was 17 once.
Just promise me you will not drive.
This feels a little weird, Mom.
Get off your high horse.
It's not like you won't find someone else
to buy it for you after I leave.
Oh. We're getting low on alcohol.
- Ah. - Yeah, where's Hamilton?
Yeah, where is Hamilton?
Probably bailed to go do it with that marine.
Mmm, I bet he's in fatigues.
Hey. Can I talk to you?
Uh, sure, Jacob. Yeah, why not?
What do you want to talk about?
Oh, what--what it was like to screw my girlfriend?
[laughter]
Okay, I-I deserve that.
No, you don't. No, Jake. No, man, come on.
Jakey's so nice, you know? He's so nice.
You know, he's never done anything wrong.
Okay, listen to me. I'm sorry, okay?
I know those are just words, but I am genuinely--
honest to God, I'm sorry, Matty.
Yeah, you should be. You know why, though?
Because you're not me, and you never will be,
no matter how many of my girlfriends
you get sloppy seconds on.
Okay, let's just talk some other time.
You know, 'cause if you were me, you'd get 'em first.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah, well, not always. Right, Matthew?
Touché, Jacob.
[laughs] Touché.
(both) Yeah.
Nicely done.
Okay. I was a dick,
but I didn't mean to hurt you.
Hurt me? Seriously? Are you joking me?
Jake, you can't hurt me, because you are Jake,
and I'm Matty [bleep] McKibben!
Dude, come on, have a little bit of sense of humor about it.
I do, Matty... when it's [bleep] funny.
♪ ♪
♪ But your teeth are bared and you'll never ♪
[car horn honking]
Booze delivery.
Get 'em while they're cold.
Hey, wait, where is everyone going?
Where's everyone going?
Hamilton. Hey, you made it.
Do you need help with that?
It's okay, I got it.
Hey, Matty, what's up?
Are you okay? what happened?
Jenna, can you just do me the hugest favor in the world
right now, for me, please? Can you just, uh, not ask?
You need a ride?
Yeah.
Matty, do you want your car keys?
Hey.
I'm sorry about that crack I just made,
you know, about getting you first.
- He deserved it. - Yeah.
Anyway, what right would I have to be offended?
I'm just some girl you had a meaningless hookup with.
Oh, yeah. Sorry you heard that too.
I'm sure you are.
It wasn't meaningless. I just said that to downplay it
because I was pissed at myself
for not handling it like a man in the first place.
You know, if things were different,
I'd want it to be way more than a hookup.
Things are pretty different, Jake.
Where the hell is everybody?
Did they all get abducted by aliens?
[door closes]
Val?
♪ When you know it's time And you dare to be free ♪
♪ When you hurt too much loving me ♪
♪ That's when you're leaving ♪
♪ Leaving me alone ♪
Val?
You can't stay in your office.
I love you and I need you with me.
♪ When you plead to me ♪
(Val's voice) Don't be mad, but everyone was right.
I have to get it together. I have to experience life.
I have to see the world.
And please, don't worry about the cats.
They're at a very expensive pet hotel
called the Paw-liday Inn.
Oh, sh-- Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, Jenna, I would--
I'd ask you to stay, but I'm definitely gonna be puking,
- and that's not very sexy. - [grunts]
It's okay, Matty.
That was the wrong word. I just,
you know, if I didn't look and feel like [bleep],
I'd ask you to--
Anyway, you've got the marine, so it's all good.
♪ When I leave I'll take away the pain ♪
Yeah.
Get some sleep, Matty.
♪ That's when you're leaving ♪
Good night.
♪ Leaving you alone ♪
- This is a pretty epic prank. [all cheering]
(man) Hats off, it's awesome.
We really screwed up, Jake.
It was my first time, and with you.
(Jenna) Jake and Gabby had cheated on Matty?
Sadie, it's your mom.
Hi, sweetheart.
He was gonna break up with you. He said he was still into Jenna.
You know what, Matty? I [bleep] Jake.
(all) Oh!
Did you know?
(Jenna) It was the morning after Senior Prank,
and what was once frothy, foamy fun
in the decadent strobe lights of reckless abandon
was now sticky shame in the fluorescent light of day.
This is so disgusting.
Ugh, I hate cleaning. It makes everything pruny.
Don't be such overachievers.
We're responsible for a little foam,
not 800 years of institutional filth.
- Your turn. - Oh, no,
I don't do custodial.
Poor Little Rich Bitch's bitch mom comes back in town,
and now she's too good for our ranks.
Aw, so not true.
I was always too good for your ranks.
And don't call my mom a bitch. It's disrespectful.
[phone ringing]
Darlene, if you want to make yourself useful,
get me out of this [bleep] hole and take me to breakfast.
See ya!
Bonding with Moms. Sorry.
Nice try.
This is your doing.
And you should be thanking us, not oppressing us.
Do you know how expensive
foam machines and strobe lights are?
If Theo hadn't stolen them from that circuit party,
our senior prank would be senior rank!
What is in this foam? It sticks like glue.
Rainbows, beer, and horse tranks.
Were there stressed-out horsies?
Not as many as there are here.
(Jenna) Theo had a point.
The ugliness between Matty and Jake,
like the foam, had seeped through the floorboards
and into the morning.
I felt bad for Jake, who had screwed up--
and screwed over-- his best friend.
I felt worse for Matty, who had been blindsided
by his best friend and his girlfriend,
which I had known about, and stayed out of.
What is wrong with these people?
I'm gonna need a double-dose of "dramamine"
to deal with this overdose of dram-o-rama.
(Jenna) The "dram-o-rama" had cast a pall
over the best senior prank in PHHS history.
Something had to be done.
Hey, peeps, lighten up. Only 46 days till graduation!
Ew! Jenna!
[gasps]
What the--
Oh.
[screams]
[students gasping and laughing]
Jenna, I wouldn't--
Oh, I would.
Seriously, don't.
[screams]
[bleep].
Oh, God, get that out of my face, I can't see.
Who put you up to this?
Principal Cox--he said if we didn't to clean up our mess--
Because if this is some sort of plot to drive me out--
Val, are you wearing a bathrobe?
Yeah, I just got out of the girls' shower
when your little act of terrorism
brought my home life to a screeching halt.
Val, this isn't your home. You shouldn't be living here.
Oh, shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't.
Shouldn't leave the fridge door open, Val.
Shouldn't let the cats sleep in our bed, Val.
Ahem.
I wasn't complaining about the cats,
it's my allergies.
Yeah, well, luckily, we are quite comfortable here.
Or will be, once Jenna's wanton act of vandalism
is addressed and the lights come back on.
- It was an accident. - Since is the only place
where I am free to be myself,
where I can put my toothbrush where I want--
stop giving me that look of disapproval, Biggie,
I can feel it--and where no one is allergic to my cats.
Actually, Val, a lot of people are allergic to cats here.
Yeah, just students.
I will go on antihistamines. Please come home.
Say it like you mean it.
You know what? Fine, live at school,
musty, mildewy, nasty, dark school.
Some of us still have 46 days left here, you know!
Okay, Jenna Hamilton, you need to get it together.
[cat screeches]
And that goes for the two of you too.
Fluffernut, share your fish treat.
No, Val, you have to get it together.
You have a great guy who wants to work things out.
Yeah? Well, you broke the school.
You know what? I am not enabling this.
Oh, come on. Where are you going?
To class. Last time I checked, this was still a school.
Hey, you are not dismissed!
I seriously can't handle her. She's lost her--
Yeah, Jenna, she's Mariah CrayCray.
Good thing you've had four years
to reach this astute observation.
Wow, why are you so snippy? And why is it so hot in here?
You fried the school, Jenna. There's no AC to power the AC.
Why isn't anyone in class?
There's no oxygen and we can't read the whiteboard,
so we're crammed in these common areas
like Euro tourists on some "budge" airline.
Congrats, Jenna. You've advanced high school suck
into deep throat territory.
(Darlene) I haven't been to a place
like this in-- well, since--
You know, I hadn't either,
until you abandoned me and left me poor.
[both chuckle]
Well, I love it.
They even have a spa menu. Who knew?
Thank you.
You know, could I get a side of bacon?
Small.
Or maybe large.
What do you think, Darlene, small or large?
Whatever you want, sweetie.
It's not that bad for you.
It's protein.
I even eat it myself sometimes.
Could I get a new fork, please?
Thank you.
(Jenna) Just when I had embraced the fact
that it was my fault today sucked,
I started noticing a little thaw in the 90-degree air.
Granted, we were now outside, but it was something else.
Things weren't just thawing, they were melting.
Eat it up before it melts! Come on!
Gobble, gobble, little pigs!
Jenna, this is getting...
not so bad. Dulce de leche?
Matty, how's your hand?
Bruised from coming into contact with the jawbone of the guy
that screwed my girlfriend. How's yours?
(Jenna) Okay, super specific answer.
He was pissed.
I should have told him about Jake and Gabby.
Have a good one, Jenna.
Just leave well enough alone.
The Matty and Jake bro-up was ugly.
You don't want it to get uglier.
Dude, you boned Matty's girl.
It wasn't really like that.
I heard she was the big V till you.
Sounds like for once someone else got
- what McKibben wanted. [both laughing]
Yeah, wouldn't want to make that any worse.
Uh, I have some terrible news.
Yes, worse than sweating out your body weight
in sweltering hallways while inhaling
the fetid bodily fumes of your fellow classmates.
Thanks to a certain unnamed recalcitrant
whose name may or may not rhyme with "Henna Mammalton,"
school has been cancelled for the duration of the day.
[all cheering]
Jenna, you got us the day off.
(all) Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
Tamara, what is happening?
They think you planned this to get us all out of school.
You're, like, their new leader. Just go with it.
Way to go, Hamilton!
(all) Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton! Ham-il-ton!
(Jenna) If I'd learned anything in high school,
it was that labels happen in the blink of an eye
and take forever to disappear.
But this time, I was Jenna Hamilton, school-breaker,
so why not embrace it?
That's right!
Blackout party at the Beach, bitches!
[all cheering]
Is there booze?
You bet your ass there's booze!
[all cheering]
♪ You make me feel alive ♪
Your parents have buttloads of booze.
I still feel like I should say something to Matty.
Jenna, focus. We have an opportunity.
You have become cool, which makes me cool.
We cannot squander this. There are tons
of thirsty partygoers counting on us.
Okay, just don't touch the vodka.
They buy store brand, which is too sad.
Whoa! Is your mother home?
T, she's pregnant. She would never drink this much.
[cat scratching and meowing]
Oh, no way.
[cat screeches] - [gasps] Oh, my God!
[claws skittering] - [screams]
Very interesting. The things you learn--
Honey, Val told me what you did to the school!
Stop looking at me like that. It's a virgin.
J-town, I'm sorry I came down on you so hard earlier.
You did us all a favor. I can't live at school.
- I can't. - Good.
L-dog says I can stay here until I figure out my next move.
Are you insane?
Sure there's not alcohol in that?
[scoffs] Honey, come here.
She is very vulnerable right now.
I promise you, it will only be a couple days.
You'll hardly notice her.
[cat screeches]
Plus, you owe her for brushing your little stunt under the rug.
Why is she drinking all your alcohol?
Oh. I'm experimenting with artisanal cocktails.
In case Biggie and I ever set a date,
I want the perfect libation served at my wedding.
Set a date? You guys can't even live under the same roof.
She should still be prepared.
Do you know how much planning goes into a wedding?
It is never too soon to get out in front of it.
Your mom thinks it's a terrible idea too.
Oh, I'm just saying you should think it through.
And take it from an old married gal
who only set a date because she had to.
Oh, that's nice.
I'm not saying it didn't turn out great.
I just mean that Val's young
and she seems a little unsure of what she's doing.
Maybe you should experience a little more life
before you commit. You know,
there's a whole big world out there.
You're a wise, wise woman.
Why am I rushing into things?
Why am I--why am I--
[gulps]
Where am I? Okay, spinning.
Honey, I'm gonna deal with this, but you guys should
get out of here. You shut down the school.
You should be partying your asses off.
You have such a great mom.
Top Valu? Seriously?
Did you forget where the liquor store is,
or do we suddenly need ground beef and dryer sheets?
They're cracking down on fakes at the liquor store.
We stand a much better shot here.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
This is where old people buy their booze.
Booze!
- Nice. [all cheering]
Snatch it up, snatches.
[all cheering]
Ugh, this is so uncomfortable.
(Vanessa) Look, not judging,
but you did kind of hang Jake out to dry.
I didn't mean to. I was just so pissed at Matty.
So not cool. I should apologize.
So are you okay? You look extra sad.
No, I feel like [bleep].
Matty hates me because of my dick move with Gabby.
I am such an a-hole. What was I thinking,
screwing over my best friend for some meaningless hookup
with some girl?
Should we be chic married lesbians
or banal carpooling housewives?
We should be quiet and not give any details
that could blow our cover.
Well, I need to know who I'm playing.
Just go get more paper towels.
Jenna, we've OD'd on paper products.
It's not environmentally responsible.
Do you want booze at our party?
- [gasps] What about red cups? - No, dead giveaway.
Then they're gonna know we're gonna drink out of them.
Hey. Great day, huh?
Just dropped the kids off at daycare
and thought I'd stock up, you know.
Taking advantage of those instant savings
on the paper products, which is awesome.
My hubby always says, "Save a penny,"
even with the new promotion at the Bureau.
He's got a 501k now.
401. 501 are the jeans.
Nice work.
At least they agreed not to call the cops.
My husband's going to be very upset
when I don't come home with his vodka.
What are we doing here?
I thought you were driving me back to school.
Oh, I thought you could drive yourself back to school
with a little style.
(specialist) This is a Fiat 500L
with four doors and room for five.
Oh, it's just beautiful. Sadie, what do you think?
I don't need a car.
This is way more than a car.
This is Italian design that'll make it stand out
from everything else on the road.
A spacious interior that has so much space and light,
you'll think you're in an open loft.
I don't need to stand out.
Oh, is that a nav?
Touchscreen navigation, Sirius satellite radio,
Beats premium audio system.
Bluetooth?
Not just Bluetooth, but Uconnect hands-free communication.
I'm not sure she can afford this.
Honey. [laughs]
Of course I can.
When you consider the large cargo capacity
and how fun this thing is to drive--
Oh, no, she can definitely afford the car,
just not my love.
Sadie.
What? Isn't that what you're trying to do?
Or did you just suddenly wake up
accepting and generous this morning?
I am trying to make amends to my beautiful daughter.
She sent me to fat camp.
Well, might I say, it worked very nicely.
Not the point.
You can't just win me back with transparent flattery,
Italian design, and lofty interiors.
Or a 160 horsepower Turbocharged engine?
Or how about the largest panoramic sunroof in its class?
Look, you're right. I don't know how to do this.
All I know is that I'm trying, really, really hard.
You were born to drive this car.
Really? I thought I was born to eat carbohydrates.
Honey, how do you remember all this?
The way you hold on to this food stuff--
Because it's all you ever said to me.
My entire life was framed around your obsession.
I was just trying to help you. I wanted you to be--
The person you wanted me to be?
Why couldn't you just accept me for who I was?
Like all the other mothers?
I mean, Lissa's mom, who's a freak,
put notes in her lunchbox every day
telling her she loved her, and to not touch herself
because God was watching, but still.
I don't--I didn't think like that.
I'm learning, but I can't change the past,
no matter how many times you remind me.
All I can do is try to be a better mother.
And all I can do is try to forgive you.
You will?
Try, I mean?
Not because of the car.
Because I want to move on with my life,
and be the person I want to be.
And praise, and praise.
Raise?
No, praise.
These aren't arm raises, they're "arm praises."
They're part of the new exercise program I invented.
Okay, I don't need an exercise program.
Oh, but it's so much more than that.
It's the ultimate in multitasking
your mind, body and spirit. I call it "atonercising."
And bow, and bow, and bow.
These are called active contritions.
You do them when you're contrite.
Yeah, I think I'm pretty contrite these days.
Well, then what better way to ask God for forgiveness
than through exercise?
Thank you, but I don't think
that it's God that I need to ask for forgiveness.
♪ I'm a killer on the prowl ♪
Check it out, bitches.
♪ So my moves is private ♪
♪ Put your ass down if you move in my list ♪
♪ You better watch your back 'cause my moves is timeless ♪
What the hell?
♪ You know that I'm a killer ♪
♪ And I'm fishing for a victim ♪
♪ I'm a badass chick ♪
I really hope you have a better idea
than using our fakes.
Hey, you. Yeah, you.
- Jenna! - [giggles]
Hey, so my friend and I were wondering
if you could get us a little somethin' somethin'.
Is something wrong with you?
You need to ask?
We'll make it worth your while.
Mm, no.
- Ahem. - Mom, hey.
What are you-- what are you doing here?
Oh, trying to replenish the liquor cabinet
before your father gets home.
Plus, Mama needs a Slim Jim.
These cravings are out of control.
What are you doing here?
Just hangin', with degenerates.
Give me your money.
- What? - Oh, come on,
I know what you're doing. I was 17 once.
Just promise me you will not drive.
This feels a little weird, Mom.
Get off your high horse.
It's not like you won't find someone else
to buy it for you after I leave.
Oh. We're getting low on alcohol.
- Ah. - Yeah, where's Hamilton?
Yeah, where is Hamilton?
Probably bailed to go do it with that marine.
Mmm, I bet he's in fatigues.
Hey. Can I talk to you?
Uh, sure, Jacob. Yeah, why not?
What do you want to talk about?
Oh, what--what it was like to screw my girlfriend?
[laughter]
Okay, I-I deserve that.
No, you don't. No, Jake. No, man, come on.
Jakey's so nice, you know? He's so nice.
You know, he's never done anything wrong.
Okay, listen to me. I'm sorry, okay?
I know those are just words, but I am genuinely--
honest to God, I'm sorry, Matty.
Yeah, you should be. You know why, though?
Because you're not me, and you never will be,
no matter how many of my girlfriends
you get sloppy seconds on.
Okay, let's just talk some other time.
You know, 'cause if you were me, you'd get 'em first.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah, well, not always. Right, Matthew?
Touché, Jacob.
[laughs] Touché.
(both) Yeah.
Nicely done.
Okay. I was a dick,
but I didn't mean to hurt you.
Hurt me? Seriously? Are you joking me?
Jake, you can't hurt me, because you are Jake,
and I'm Matty [bleep] McKibben!
Dude, come on, have a little bit of sense of humor about it.
I do, Matty... when it's [bleep] funny.
♪ ♪
♪ But your teeth are bared and you'll never ♪
[car horn honking]
Booze delivery.
Get 'em while they're cold.
Hey, wait, where is everyone going?
Where's everyone going?
Hamilton. Hey, you made it.
Do you need help with that?
It's okay, I got it.
Hey, Matty, what's up?
Are you okay? what happened?
Jenna, can you just do me the hugest favor in the world
right now, for me, please? Can you just, uh, not ask?
You need a ride?
Yeah.
Matty, do you want your car keys?
Hey.
I'm sorry about that crack I just made,
you know, about getting you first.
- He deserved it. - Yeah.
Anyway, what right would I have to be offended?
I'm just some girl you had a meaningless hookup with.
Oh, yeah. Sorry you heard that too.
I'm sure you are.
It wasn't meaningless. I just said that to downplay it
because I was pissed at myself
for not handling it like a man in the first place.
You know, if things were different,
I'd want it to be way more than a hookup.
Things are pretty different, Jake.
Where the hell is everybody?
Did they all get abducted by aliens?
[door closes]
Val?
♪ When you know it's time And you dare to be free ♪
♪ When you hurt too much loving me ♪
♪ That's when you're leaving ♪
♪ Leaving me alone ♪
Val?
You can't stay in your office.
I love you and I need you with me.
♪ When you plead to me ♪
(Val's voice) Don't be mad, but everyone was right.
I have to get it together. I have to experience life.
I have to see the world.
And please, don't worry about the cats.
They're at a very expensive pet hotel
called the Paw-liday Inn.
Oh, sh-- Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, Jenna, I would--
I'd ask you to stay, but I'm definitely gonna be puking,
- and that's not very sexy. - [grunts]
It's okay, Matty.
That was the wrong word. I just,
you know, if I didn't look and feel like [bleep],
I'd ask you to--
Anyway, you've got the marine, so it's all good.
♪ When I leave I'll take away the pain ♪
Yeah.
Get some sleep, Matty.
♪ That's when you're leaving ♪
Good night.
♪ Leaving you alone ♪