Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 5, Episode 1 - Prank Amateurs - full transcript

Senior pranks wreak havoc while Jenna's resolution to stop thinking about Matty is tested when she overhears a disturbing secret.

(Jenna) Last season on Awkward...

- It's senior year!
- Class ranking?

T, I am 137th!

[blows whistle] [overlapping shouting]

- Holla, party people.
- [all gasp]

- Matty, I didn't get into SCU.
- I'm sorry.

- It's Matty.
- I know who you are, McKibben.

Gabby may have been Matty's
best girlfriend ever,

but I was determined to
be his best friend ever.

She wasn't trying to intimidate me.

She was just straight-up cool.



She just wants to take
things a little slow.

Some things are just worth waiting for.

Don't spend the rest of
your time in high school

hung up on Matty.

It's okay, Officer,

my sister just got into college!

(Jenna) Brian and I
were about the same age,

but he seemed so much older.

- Well, hello, T.
- Hi.

You think you're gonna see him again?

We're engaged.

We went and saw my biological father.

What you got here, soul mate.

Where's Matty?



I think something his
father said got him riled up.

He just doesn't want to talk to me.

Let her move on with her life.

You had your chance.

If you still have feelings for Jenna,

you know, maybe you should...

I can't. I had my chance.

♪ I still wait for you, wait for you ♪

(Jenna) It was the first day
back at school after spring break.

Thank God I had finally gotten into college

and gotten over Matty.

Well, I could still look, couldn't I?

But I'd moved on.

And I could focus on
cherishing every last minute

with my friends.

This is deep in my discomfort zone.

I am engaged to be married.

My fiancé is the only one

who should be seeing my luscious lickables.

But you're gonna break
off the engagement, right?

Of course... I'm not getting married at 17

to a guy I've known for, like, a day.

Well, the sooner the better.

Duh and duh-er, Jenna.

It was just a little vay-cay-cray.

Oh! Check out this pic Brian sent me.

[gasps] Hot-dorable.

Being butt naked makes me feel like Eve

in the Garden of Eden.

Exactly, Lissa.

Except we're in a rank janitor's closet

with a bunch of nasty one-eyed snakes

that aren't the least bit tempting.

Like Eve, I fell from grace,
then found my way back to God.

I really feel her journey now.

In fact, some of this
nudity is a hate crime.

Thanks a lot, Matty,
for this brilliant idea.

Eww!

(all) Shh!

That touched me!

Come on, Sadie, show some class spirit!

Senior Streak is a tradition.

Transgression for Dummies.

Take the sex and glamour out
of nudity, stir, and presto!

Basic brand vanilla pudding.

I'll signal [whistles]
when the coast is clear.

(Gabby) Can you not get so close?

We really screwed up, but
it won't become a big deal

if you don't make it a big deal.

Jake, it is a big deal.

It was my first time.

And with you! So not my plan.

(Jenna) Oh, my God. Holy [bleep] [bleep].

Jake and Gabby had cheated on Matty?

No way. What a cluster[bleep]
of betrayal and lies.

I was so freaked out, so
terrified of facing Matty,

and so [bleep] desperate to get
this ordeal over with that I...

What the hell? The coast is not clear.

(Jenna) Jumped the gun.

Jenna, are you running
through the hallway naked?

Oh, that reminds me, I
need to get a haircut.

Ugh! What is that smell?



- [cat meows]
- What smell?

Maybe I should change the kitty litter.

Or stop recycling it.

You know what's funny?

Cats have litters of kittens,
then poop in litter boxes.

Who made that decision?

Val, are you living here?

What? No.

J, I am a professional.
This is my workplace, okay?

[cat meows]

All right, it's just, Biggie
kind of moved in and...

Congrats. Listen, I don't know what to do,

and you probably won't either,

but I need your advice on something.

Thing is, he's allergic to my kitties.

Okay, so Miss Pooty

and Mr. Candypants and Dr. Fluffernut...

who may or may not be my favorite...

and, well, all of them
asked to come to my office.

And since they get lonely without Mama Val

and her Kitty Playtime show...

you should see what I do with
fishing lures and tacos...

Right, well, the thing is about Matty,

and I found out something
that I really wish I hadn't.

- And now I...
- Don't get me wrong.

I love, love, love
living with Biggie, I do.

I don't need space or anything,

and it is so great waking
up next to a mouth-breather

with boundary issues.

Everything's great!

Everything is... it's so good.

Okay, I'm just gonna go.

No, no, no, no, no, don't go.

No, there was something
I needed to tell you.

Uh, oh!

You're suspended for the rest of the day.

Don't eff up the rest of your senior year

by being a reckless nudist, Jenna.

There's only 48 days left to graduation.

Only 47 days left for
me. I just got suspended.

Why didn't you wait for the all clear?

I was distracted.

Yeah, I saw you showing some
photos of some guy to Tamara.

Oh, that's... that's Brian,
the guy I met on spring break.

He's a marine.

You and I didn't really get
to spend much time together.

Otherwise, you probably would have met him.

Yeah, I'm really sorry
you didn't get a chance

to meet my bio dad.

You had a lot going on,
and it all worked out.

I met a cool guy and...

I have Gabby.

(Jenna) But did he?

I felt so guilty knowing what Matty didn't.

What was I supposed to do?

Well, I better go before my
suspension turns into expulsion.

Don't want to blow the rest of senior year.

I blew it big-time, man.

What, the prank?

Oh, come on, that wasn't your fault.

It was Jenna's.

But, as prank captain,

it's on you to come up with a new one.

Not that. Gabby.

She's great.

So you're into her again, huh?

Well, I was never not into
her. I was just confused.

Right.

Jenna tends to confuse you.

Well, she's with some G.I.
Joe, and I have Gabby, so...

it all worked out.

Hey! You look gorgeous.

Thanks, Matty. So do you.

You just are so...

awesome.

I'll catch you guys later.

(Lissa) The best thing about a dark period?

There's a light at the end of the tunnel

named Jesus Christ.

Okay, but for the love of Christ,

can you please shut
the [bleep] up about it?

- It's really boring.
- But...

(Val over P.A.) Sadie Saxton,
please come to Miss Marks' office.

[cat meows]

If this has anything to
do with your stupid prank,

I swear to God I will crucify you.

Wow, your reawakened faith
is really rubbing off on me!

What is that repulsive stench?

It's like... feces and patchouli.

It's your mom!

Hi, sweetheart.

How about that?

I was spot-on.

It's the acrid smell of feces and patchouli

with a noxious top note of
betrayal and abandonment.

Sadie, this is supposed
to be a happy surprise.

It's your mom!

It's okay.

Sadie has every right to be angry.

I don't need your permission to be angry.

I know that I have no right to
expect anything from you, Sadie,

least of all your forgiveness.

But my life is finally on track,

and the only thing missing is you.

Will you at least give me a
chance to make things right?

Too [bleep] late, Darlene.

(Lacey) Oh, it's way too big, Kev.

(Kevin) Let's just cram it in.

[laughter]

(Lacey) This is so fun.

Hello! I'm home!

[gasps]

Oh, God. Please tell me you're not...

in my room?

- Oh, honey, no.
- Come on, no way.

We were just talking
about how we're gonna turn

your room into a nursery when you're...

- You know...
- gone.

Okay, actually, that's worse.

What are you doing home?

Suspended.

- What for?
- Oh, what?

The Senior Streak turned
into a Jenna Streak.

I got busted and ruined the
senior prank at the same time.

It's been a good day.

So what are you gonna do?

A spa day? A movie?

I don't know.

Don't stress, Jenna. Have some fun.

I know, it's just, there's this thing.

Ooh, I love things.

I know, and the thing is about Matty.

Should I be here?

Is this boy talk or girl talk?

It's girl talk about boys.

And I'm out. You ladies have at it.

♪ Heart beats ♪

♪ Slowly ♪

I found out that Matty's
girlfriend hasn't been...

faithful.

Oh, my God, Gabby cheated on Matty?

With who?

Are you sure?

Yes, it doesn't matter who.

Should I tell Matty?

I can't even think straight.

I think the first thing
that you need to get clear

in your head is,

what do you want from Matty?

I don't want anything from Matty.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, absolutely.

Because if you tell him
that his girlfriend cheated,

then he may think you have an agenda.

He's my friend. I don't
want him to get hurt.

Remember what happened
when you tried telling him

about that whole crazy Eva mess?

Yeah, the messenger got shot.

Exactly.

Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing.

Yeah, for me, but what about for Matty?

- Is Gabby still cheating?
- No!

But she's acting like
she's really into Matty.

Maybe she is still into Matty,

and maybe what he doesn't
know won't hurt him.

Yeah. Leave well enough alone.

I mean, here I am, I finally
got my [bleep] together,

I've got a great guy who's into me,

and I'm about to graduate.

Now is not the time to
stir up the Matty drama.

I think that's right.

Now, how are we gonna deal with
this suspension, young lady?

Shopping or spa day? Or both?

[both chuckle]

(Jenna) I decided to avoid my problems

and focus on my friends' problems.

So you told Adam yet?

I've decided I can't just
back the dump truck up

and unload over the phone.

BTE'ing is a big deal...
breaking the engagement.

So you're really gonna make
him drive all the way out here?

It's a long, hot drive.

F2F is better.

An engagement is a big deal.

Chill, why are you so hung up on something

that really isn't even your business?

(Jenna) Tamara was right.

It really wasn't my business.

Maybe I was pushing her so hard
because I was feeling guilty

about not telling Matty my secret.

But I knew letting it go
was the right thing to do.

Too bad that was easier said than done.

This isn't like regular
high school breaking up.

Yeah, it's such a big deal
that you got engaged to him

after knowing him for all of two hours.

You'll understand if you ever get engaged.

Don't worry, I'm sure you will.

Maybe your Mommy will buy you a pony!

I didn't ride ponies, Lissa.

I competed in dressage on thoroughbreds.

And I am not accepting any
beasts from that monster.

[scoffs] Oh, Sadie,
everyone loves their mommy.

I mean, I was mad at my mommy

when she told me I was
going straight to hell,

but now I just know it was
because she was stressed

about me being in love with my
brother and my daddy being gay.

Look around, Lissa.

We're already in hell.

There is no bigger punishment

than these stupid, desperate pranks.

[high-pitched] Who threw
all this trash on the ground?

It's sick.

[high-pitched] Is this a
prank or a human tapestry

illustrating the tragedy of basic?

It's performance fart.

The evil of banality.

I hope this was a coincidence.

I was here first.

So what happened to
letting Matty down easy?

Not really your concern.

I know we're not getting together,

but you don't have to string Matty along

just to cover our tracks.

It's not that, Jake.

He's really trying now.

He's being so sweet.

Oh, hi.

You guys are talking
about me, right, "sweet"?

[both chuckle]

Is this even working?

What is this?

Senior Sweep?

Mopping the floor with your own clothes?

Wow, what school spirit
and pride, seniors, huzzah!

Okay, this sucked.

We'll figure something out, babe.

It ain't over till it's over.

I know we will. Seniors rule.

We're going out as the best class ever.

Says the best boyfriend ever.

(Jenna) Clearly I had
made the right decision.

Matty and Gabby were all over each other.

What he didn't know couldn't hurt him.

Or me.

Okay, new prank tonight.

It's parent-teacher night,
so the timing is perfect.

You show up at 9:00 with lots of underwear.

The trashier the better,
like those red lace ones

you have... can you bring those?

Um, I'm afraid to ask what you're planning,

but I can't make it anyway.

Oh, come on, why not?

(Jenna) I was worried I was failing
him as a friend in so many ways

that I felt extra guilty when I told him...

- I have a date.
- Me too. Sorry.

Come on, you guys.

Where's your class spirit?

Jenna, you did mess up the first prank,

and sadly, the second
one sucked giant balls.

I'm sorry, I just can't tonight.

Wow, you're just done
with high school, huh?

Done with your high school friends

and your old pal Matty McKibben?

All right, all right. I
will try to come by later.

Don't just try.

This is our one and only senior year,

and you quitters are missing out.

I mean, who the hell
does Darlene think she is,

acting like she can just
waltz back into my life

after dumping me on that slag heap Ally?

Your mother?

Darlene is a mother in name only.

It's a cosmic joke that someone

as sensitive and empathetic as me

was birthed from the loins
of that grotesque gold-digger.

What if she really has changed?

Wasn't she getting all spiritual
and self-realized in Santa Fe?

The only self-realization
she needs is to face the fact

that she's an utter
failure as a human being.

She abandoned me when my dad went to jail.

It's always about her.

She's never, not once, made
me feel good about myself.

That's what I'm here for.

Don't go crazy, you are
just my hot piece of ass.

Oh, no.

You're mine, chica.

What about just trying to forgive her

and accept her for who she is?

For your sake, not hers.

Forgiveness is weak, and
acceptance is even worse.

It's a slippery slope from
acceptance to complacency,

and I am not a fan of complacency

because it leads to stupidity and obesity.

Yeah, I've heard.

You're welcome.

I just want you to be happy.

Me too, and that's why I
don't want her in my life.

And after calling her out on
all her [bleep] this morning,

I'll never hear from her
again, so problem solved.

[upbeat music]

(Jenna) It was so nice to
be alone with Brian again.

I was so sick of all the Matty psychodrama

and childish high school pranks.



(Tamara) A picnic sounded like so much fun.

We're double dating!

(Jenna) While I was trying very hard

to recapture the spark I
had with Brian in Mexico,

Tamara and Adam were on fire.

[Tamara giggling] Stop!

- [grunts]
- [giggles]

Brian, why don't we go for a walk?

- [blowing raspberries]
- [laughing]

[upbeat music]



[laughs] Thanks, man.

Can you bring it to Gabby in the gym?

Yeah.

♪ We were on the streets ♪



Boxers or briefs? I got both.

Lucky me. I'm a girl who likes choices.

Come on, there's a lot of underwear here.

I still know all the Boy Scout knots.

"Always be prepared."

Yeah.

♪ Across the neighborhood ♪

♪ Though tiny, we were masters ♪

Hey, lady!

You're mama's finally come
to take you off my hands.

You need to knock,

and I am not missing my last
two months of high school.

She's gotten way ahead of herself, Sadie.

I am so sorry.

You must be Sergio.

Nice to...

He's been debriefed about you.

Oh, my maid's room will
be a maid's room once more.

It's not like you ever did any housework

or earned your keep or were even
nice and had cocktails with me.

At least you started
bringing some eye candy home.

Other than that, you've
been a rail pain in my ane.

So sayonara, ciao, adios.

I am not moving to New
Mexico with you right now.

Are you insane?

Of course not, sweetheart.

I rented a place nearby,
so I can be with you,

and we can make up for lost time.

But you don't need to move
in with me until you're ready.

I'm ready.

I know that I have to
earn your forgiveness,

and I'm not going anywhere until I do.

What has gotten into you?

It's disturbing.

New Mexico has been so good for me, honey.

[laughs]

I've made smart, eclectic friends,

and I have this great new boyfriend

that I want you to meet.

Look, I know it's hard for you to believe,

but I really have changed.

At least give me a chance?

I'll think about it.

[sighs] Thank God!

Now will everyone who isn't my boyfriend

get the hell out of my room?

(Brian) Yeah, training is
just... it's super intense.

(Jenna) I'm not that
good at athletic stuff.

I broke my arm once drawing a bath.

Oh. [chuckles]

[phone dings]

(Jenna) I wouldn't have
even been checking my texts

if things were clicking
with Brian, but they weren't.

And Matty's text was exactly right.

I didn't want to miss it.

It was the end of my whole high school era.

I wanted to be there,

and whatever guilt or mixed
up emotions I had about Matty

shouldn't have been keeping me away.

- [murmuring]
- [giggling]

Hey, T, we gotta get back
to school for the prank.

What? No, we don't.

Uh, yeah, we do. We promised, remember?

No, I have the transcript
in my head verbate.

You said we would try,

and I observed a rare moment of silence.

By "trying," I meant "coming later."

I'm sorry you're tone deaf to nuance.

But...

But we can hash this out on the way there.

And anyway, you guys have
such a long drive ahead, so...

Well, it's still early.
We can come with you.

- I love pranks.
- Really?

Okay, let's go!

Heck yeah, I'm in.

[indistinct chatter]

SNAFU!

Did you know that means

Situation Normal: All [bleep] Up?

Adam taught me that the military
has cute expressions too.

Maybe I should enlist in that department.

(Jake) Oh, hey.

(Matty) Hey, just got a little snag here,

but it's going really good.

Brought some buddies. That's awesome.

Hey there, buddy, I can fix that for you.

Oh, hey, bro. No, we're... we're good.

Don't need to call in the troops for this.

No, it's okay, I do this stuff
all the time in boot camp.

I like it.

He likes it. It's not his prank.

Hey, if he wants to do your
dirty work, why stop him?

[rock music]



It's stuck. I can't get it out.

My hands are too big.

Come down. You're making me nervous.

Yeah, I'll just... I'll
get a wrench from my truck,

and I'll get that all
figured out for you, okay?

No, no, you don't, man.

I got this.



[laughs] Actually, no need.

It's okay, babe. Jake got it untangled.

Thank God you took your shirt off.

So it's pretty good, right, seniors?

[cheering]

Pretty busted.

The joke's on no one.

Is that your marine? He is gorge.

Way out of your league.

[together] I want one!

(Jenna) The Julies were right.

He was a beautiful man to behold.

So why didn't I want to be holding him?

Um, this was great.

Yeah, it was great to see you.

And, um, you know, we should
definitely keep in touch.

Sure, on Facebook and stuff.

(Jenna) Brian was clearly
a great guy and a hottie,

but it just wasn't like
it had been in Mexico.

What was missing?

Had it been a case of vacation goggles?

Maybe should just meet up in Baja sometime.

Yeah, yeah, we should definitely do that.

Not to interruptus the
coitus, but big news:

We picked a date!

Oh, God, we have so much to do.

Well, luckily I know someone
who loves making lists.

[giggles]

Hey, we should get back to base, Bri.

- Miss you!
- You too.

(Adam) See you soon? Yeah?

(Tamara) Sure.

[engine starts]

Dear Prudence, what's up?

That good-bye kiss was
more like a bad dry kiss.

(Val) Help! Help!

My precious little
Fluffernut is soaking wet.

[cat snarls]

[electronic music]



Whoa. Congrats, Matty. You pulled it off.

- This is a pretty epic prank.
- Uh, yeah, but it wasn't me.

Whoever did this, hats off.

- It's awesome.
- Isn't it obvious?

The Temperamentals.

We had to.

You guys are all prank amateurs.

Eventually some
professionals had to step in.

♪ We're on top of the world ♪

♪ Working all day, came
to party all night ♪

[cats meowing]

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

♪ 'Cause we're on top of the world ♪

Where's your guy?

He had to get back to the base.

♪ Came to party all night ♪

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

[all cheering]

- 46 days left!
- Yeah!

Crazy, right?

- [laughs]
- Whoo!

(Jenna) I had definitely
done the right thing

by not telling Matty.

It says a lot about a guy who
stays friends with his exes.

I'm really glad all that drama's behind us.

I mean, he's been such a sweetheart.

He was gonna break up with you.

What? What? What are you talking about?

I shouldn't have said anything, okay?

- Just forget it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to tell me.

In Mexico, he said he was still into Jenna,

and if Jenna wasn't with that Marine,

then he w... no!

No, no, no, Gabby, I...

You know what, Matty?
You are just so awesome.

It is so awesome that you
didn't just break up with me.

Thanks for that.

Oh, and by the way, I [bleep] Jake.



[crowd shouts]

What? Did you know?

(Jenna) So the truth
had come out after all.

Poor Matty... my heart ached for him,

and I had no idea how to
make any of this better.

Only 46 days left.

Yay.