Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 6 - That Girl Strikes Again - full transcript

Previously onAwkward....

Can I crash here for the night?

Matty gets the cow, the milk,

and to live in the barn
for free.

I am more than comfortable.

You haven't worn out
your welcome?

Nah.
Jenna's cool with it.

I am so not cool with it.

- I'm gonna take off.
- Are we okay?

Yeah.
I forgot something.

It was Halloween--



that special time of year

where students everywhere
honor the dead

by dressing as...

sluts.

Maybe the holiday wasn't
ridiculous for everyone.

Maybe for some,
it was the one day

to dress as the best version
of themselves.

If that was the case,

the best version of myself
was just as boring

as the regular version.

But, honestly,
I'd rather be boring

than some poser looking
to show some skin.

[Blows whistle]

Unless that poser
was my boyfriend,



who always looked good
showing skin.

Where's your costume?

Oh, you were serious
about dressing up.

Here.

Yeah.

Now we both can be lifeguards.

You're a cold-weather one.

And maybe later, we can meet up

for a little mouth-to-mouth.

Sure, my costume was
a little lame,

but it really didn't matter
what I was wearing,

because I was--

Boring.

What does he see in her?

He's a six-pack and
she's the 12-dollar rack.

I can hear you.

Well, you can take the girl
out of the cast,

but you can't take the outcast
out of the girl.

Oh.

Jenna, I love your costume.

- I'm not wearing a costume.
- Really?

Because you are the best loser
I've seen all morning.

Apparently, monsters went
as themselves for Halloween.

Hey, Collin.
Big plans tonight?

Yeah, my girlfriend
is throwing a party.

Usual suspects from
my Thadwicke days.

But I'm not much of
a party guy.

Of course Collin hated parties.

He was above it all.
Surprise, surprise.

You went to Thadwicke?

Do you know Angelique Welch?

Yeah, she's my girlfriend.

How do you know her?

We were best friends
till 9-11.

The 9 to 11-year-old
horseback riding competition.

She stole my trophy,
and frankly,

she had no business
even being there.

Why is that?

Angelique is on the cusp
of libra and scorpio,

which I'm sure
is very exciting for you,

because we all know that no one
is DTF like a scorpio.

But in our riding league,

the calendar year starts
in September.

So, technically, she shouldn't
have been a 9-11,

she was a total 12-14.

Riveting.

[Locker closes]

By the way, Hamil-tart,

just honk when you get
to my place tonight.

I'll be ready by 7:30,

- but get there by 7:15.
- What?

Cebre's party.

Matty said you guys
would pick me up.

[Whispers] Girlfriend.
My office, now.

You heard anything?

About what?

It's Halloween.
I'm the guidance counselor.

You do the math.

Eggs, Jenna.

Authority figures are always
attacked on Halloween.

I've been egged in the face
every year

since the fifth grade.

But you were ten.

Even back then, it was clear
what I was destined for.

[Sunglasses clatter]

This whole place could be
booby-trapped.

Open that drawer.

A bedpan.

Someone's definitely screwing
with you.

No, that's mine.
[Clangs]

At times like this,
I can't leave the bunker.

If I could find a safe house,
I would.

Normally, I'd hole up
at the Olive Garden,

but I can't go back there
ever since

we had a dispute over
the meaning

of the never ending pasta bowl.

More like the 10:30 PM
ending pasta bowl.

By the way,
I've been so caught up

with myself, I didn't even
notice your Halloween costume.

You a cokehead?

I'm a cold-weather lifeguard.

It's zinc.

Oh.

I needed to blend in

and not draw attention
to myself,

so I decided to go as
a totally average, everyday,

run-of-the-mill student.

[Exhales]

You look like me.

What?

Do you think I'm boring?

Is this about the hot list?

Don't worry.

I have a feeling

I won't make the cut
this year either.

"The hot list"?

[Spooky music]

♪ ♪

Let me spare you the suspense.

You didn't make the cut.

_

I was beginning to sense
a theme

to the Halloween festivities.

Jenna Hamilton wasn't
in the same category

as Matty McKibben.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Haven't you heard?

[Crying]
I'm not good enough for Matty.

He's hot, and I'm not,
and everyone knows it.

And I really can't handle

going to Cebre's party tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
calm down. It's okay.

Just please don't tell anyone
that I cried about this.

Why were you crying?

Jake told you I was crying?

Yeah,
but he didn't tell me why.

Okay, he told me why.

But Jake and I tell
each other everything.

That's why Jakara
works so well.

The basics of
a happy relationship

all boil down
to one simple rule--

Share.
S-H-A-R-E.

"S" is for sexual chemistry,

we're 16, so that takes care
of itself.

"H" is for heart.
You gotta keep it open.

"A" is for aroma.

Thankfully,
we both keep it clean.

"R" is for remote control.

You don't always have
to win that fight.

And finally, "E," excitement.

You have to keep each other
on your toes.

Never knowing
what's around the corner,

but taking it all in stride.

And, honestly, who wouldn't
be excited about you?

Don't cry over what that
rando Cebre says.

You're the shit.

So put your hater shades on
and black out her vibes

because her words mean nothing.

And her name is Cebre.
Enough said.

We're on Cebre's hot list.

Oh, my God, we're somebodies!

"Salt and pepper"?

We're clearly sugar and spice.

So what time
do you guys want to go

to Cebre's party tonight?

Uh, you know,
I'm not really feeling it.

Maybe we'll all just hang out
at my house instead.

Are you serious?

I'm with Jake.

It's not really my scene.

I'd probably just end up hiding

in the car all night.

So we're just gonna sit at home

and be lame for Halloween, huh?

Lame--
there it was again.

And this time
it wasn't coming from Cebre.

It was coming from Matty.

I had to do something to put
the "E" back in my share.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we bail
on Cebre's party

and crash a cooler one instead?

[Muffled dance music]

Are you sure it's okay
we're not in costumes?

Halloween without costumes
just feels bizarre.

Not everyone wears
a costume on Halloween.

And why did we take two cars?

In case we need a getaway car.

Or if we get split up.

Sadie, how does it feel
to be our plus-one?

Please.
You're my plus-four.

And I'm not here to
hang out with you.

I'm here for
my golden horseshoe.

No, we're here to crash.

Then let's crash this bitch.

How do we crash this bitch?

Um...

I vote "window."

I think we should
go around back.

- I completely disagree. Window.
- Okay.

You find your window,

and Tamara and I will
go the back way.

We'll see you inside.

I think falling into
a party through a window

is a stupid idea, okay?

We can't just--
[Knock on door]

[My Gold Mask's Some Secrets]

Okay, so maybe I was wrong
about the costumes.

[My Gold Mask's Some Secrets]

Thadwicke kids apparently
weren't into red cups

and random hookups.

We were underdressed
and out of our league.

This was a mistake.
We need to bail.

- What about Sadie?
- Leave her.

Who are you?

- Uh, friends of... Angel?
- Angelique?

Yeah.
We know her boyfriend.

I haven't seen
that douche all night.

What?
You think he's a douche?

I didn't say it,
but, yeah, kind of.

Hey, Collin.
Come get your drink.

One sec.

Collin?

Is there a safe in the house?

- Can I help you?
- [Gasps]

Jesus.

You almost scared
the shit out of me.

That would have been
embarrassing.

- Who are you?
- Who are you?

- I asked you first.
- I asked you second.

Shut up, Dexter.

My name's Austin, not Dexter.

But you can call me Dexter,
not Austin.

If you want.

Whatever.

[Inhales]

Would you happen
to know where they keep

the valuables in this house?

Unless you're the "they,"
in which case

forget I asked.

Sadie Saxton.

Angelique Welch.

- What's up with Boo Radley?
- Ignore him.

But you--
you look amazing.

I wouldn't have recognized you
from the front

since your face has hollowed out
so much.

But from behind,
I knew those wide hips

could only belong
to Sadie Saxton.

And they do.

Look at you.

I love your costume.

If I had a small chest,

I'd be so afraid to wear that,

- but you are so making it work.
- Aw.

I love how we can always pick up
right where we left off.

Wait, where did we leave off?

Where didn't we?

It was a competition.
The golden hoof, right?

No, that wasn't it.
The golden saddle?

The golden horseshoe.

Oh, yes.

You rode so hard that day.

You made me a better rider.

It was so close.

It really could have gone
to either one of us.

If only they had a tie,
but they didn't.

You know,
something in this area

is making me nauseous.

Excuse me.

Feel better.

All right, we're in.
Now what?

This is so anticlimactic.

I'm glad we wasted ten minutes
debating how to crash,

and no one even noticed.

And now we stand out
like assholes

because we don't have costumes.

Remind me to never listen
to Jenna.

Trick-or-treat.
Get in the pic.

Look out!

[Clatters] Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay. It's okay.

- Uh, here. Let me just--
- Oh!

If you move,
you'll rip my face.

If you move,
you'll rip my sweater.

It's worth three gift cards.

Jake, huge emergency.
Get help.

I'm on it.

- Ow.
- Uh--

- Collin, I am so, so sorry.

Enough.

You were forgiven
18 sorrys ago.

Have a drink.

I did need a drink
to take off the edge

of my social ineptitude.

Oh, gorgeous.
I love photography.

It's Elisabeth Caren.

She's an emerging artist

garnering
lots of attention right now.

It's cool.

It's subtle.
It's sexy.

Exactly. That's why people
are really into her stuff.

Angelique is obsessed.

You got a good eye, man.

Once again, Matty was in
and I was out.

I'm starting to feel
suffocated.

Where's your boyfriend?

Do not move your mouth.

Any small movement
can cause a snag.

Or a permanent deformity.

Jake!

Jake!

Why are you yelling?

Where have you been?

Right behind you.

What's wrong with you?

He's high.

Are you high?

How did you get high?

Did you eat a space cookie?

I ate a cookie,
but I didn't know

it was from space.
[Laughs]

Oh, my God.
You are high.

Listen to me.

I can't lose you right now.

This is very serious.

I need you to go find
some pliers or tweezers.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be honest
with my mom.

Tell her
that I don't want to sit

next to Uncle Rod
at Thanksgiving this year.

I can't.
I won't.

Jake! Focus!

Get help!

I would have to agree.

I think he'd kill
it in the World Series.

Ange. Meet my friends.

- Matty and Jenna.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How do you know Collin?

We're in the same creative
writing class.

You're the blogger, right?

I'm obsessed with Ryan
from Thought Catalog,

and don't even get me started
on Molls.

Have you heard of them?

Yeah, I've heard of--

[Clears throat] No.

You should check them out.

Hey, a game of confession
is about to start up.

Fantastic.
Are you guys in?

- Yes.
- No.

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

Go on, my child.

Remember when I wasn't
in school for two weeks

because I was in Rio
with my parents?

I wasn't in Rio.

I was at the Bev Hills
Four Seasons.

I got a nose job.

- False.
- False.

True.
I always hated my nose.

[Laughter]

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

All: Go on, my child.

So you know how everyone thinks

Rob and I were
each other's first?

Not so much.

There was another.

- False.
All: - False.

Nope. True.

I fell off a ski lift
in Montana

and broke my hymen.

So my first
was a mountain... man.

[Laughter]

Hey, it's just like
dirty little secret.

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

Go on, my child.

I felt up my grandparents'
special Ed neighbor

when I was 11.

All: True.

Uh, yeah.

Drink.

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

All: Go on, my child.

I didn't know what I could say

that would make me sound
interesting.

I was the result of
a teenage pregnancy? Boring.

Or that I had
an extensive hoodie collection?

Lame.

There was nothing
on the tip of my tongue

but stress from my lack
of ability to impress.

You can pass.

No, no.
It's okay.

I was the girl who tried
to kill herself.

♪ It's gotta be free ♪

Say that again.

You were the girl
who tried to kill herself?

All: False.

True.
Drink.

You tried to kill yourself?

Not technically.

It's a little bit more
complicated than that.

Confess.

Okay, so here's what happened.

I bumped uglies
with my boyfriend,

but we weren't together
at the time, so--

That's really fa-jacked.

You need to set boundaries
with your mom.

I know.
I just don't know how.

My mom's really fragile.

She got the same tattoo
of your boyfriend as you.

That's not fragile.
It's psycho.

You're right.
I should confront her.

But I don't want to be along
for the ride.

We need to find Jake.
We gotta move.

Jake!

Well, it's just you and me,
sideshow.

My name is Lisa.

So then I'm walking around
school with this huge arm cast

that looks like a tree branch,

not to mention makes me an open
target for random high fives.

[Laughter]

And I have
to have weekly sessions

with my guidance counselor,

who, frankly,
needs more counseling than me.

She wears a fanny pack.

[Laughter]

Why aren't you writing
about this?

Oh, I think you have
the market cornered

on dark stuff.

I don't even know
what that means.

Please, you are such
a drama king.

"What's up?
My name is Collin.

I'm totally misunderstood.
Just a work in progress.

Just thinking about drowning
in the nothingness of life."

[Laughter]

All right, all right.
You don't have to laugh so hard.

You nailed it.

This party blows.

I give up.

I can't find
that horseshoe anywhere.

Whoo!
Dance party!

- Let's do it!
- Let's do it!

[Both squeal]

It was weird.

My suicide story, which made me
a freak at my high school,

apparently made me
a hero in theirs.

I fit in.

Even without a costume.

Almost, almost.

I got it!

[Glass shatters]

[All gasp]

Oh!

- Jake?
- You all right?

Jake.

As expected, my fitting in

would be immediately followed
by getting kicked out.

Thanks to Jake, who had

an entirely different
interpretation

of crashing a party.

Stop starting at me.

I'm not staring at you.

I believe you have something

- that belongs to my sister.
- No.

I believe I have something
that belongs to me.

You can't leave
with the horseshoe

unless you pony up.

With cash?

Seven digits.

A million dollars
for a fucking horseshoe?

Your phone number.

Fine.
Give me your cell.

[Clicking]

[Phone beeps, line trilling]

This is Adam.

[Phone beeps]
That's not your number.

[Clicking]

Happy?

Sometimes.
The ritalin helps.

Thanks for your help.

You totally didn't have to.

Yes, I do.

I am the one who brought
the mess makers.

Who have seemingly disappeared
along with my boyfriend.

- Have you seen him?
- Matty?

That was your boyfriend?

I know, I'm lucky.

Actually, um, don't take this
the wrong way, but--

It was about to happen again.

How did a girl like me end up
with a guy like--

He's adorable, but aren't
you a little bored?

What do you mean?

I'm sorry.
I hope that wasn't offensive.

It's just that
you're an odd couple,

and you seem a little out
of his league.

Ange, come say good-bye.

Oh. Sorry.

Was it really possible that
in an alternative universe

Jenna Hamilton was cooler
than Matty McKibben?

[Folly & The Hunter's Ghost]

♪ ♪

How long have you been in here?

Ah, not too long.

20 minutes.

Why?

Mm, I don't know.

I wasn't really feeling
that party

or those people.
[Chuckles]

But since you were, I didn't
want to be a buzzkill.

Do you want to go to Cebre's?

Do you?

No.

What do you see in me?

Where did that come from?

Nowhere.
I'm just curious.

What is it that
you like about me?

You're a good person.
The best person I know.

And every moment
I spend with you,

I get better.

And me.
What do you like about me?

Abs, teeth, abs, hair, abs.

The same thing.

Maybe I was just
as superficial as Cebre.

Oh, and one more thing--

you're beautiful.

So what if someone thought
I was lame

or Matty was boring.

Beauty was in
the eye of the beholder.

And what I was beholding
was pretty frickin' awesome.

♪ ♪