Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 5 - Indecent Exposure - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

Jenna!

They need to know their son
is having sex.

I found things.
Condom wrappers.

- Mom...
- Jenna won't get pregnant.

I put her on the pill.

[Laughs]

Can I crash here for the night?

For a week, Matty had been
on my living room couch

with full parental consent.

We were living in sin



with constant easy access...

[Drill whirring]
♪ I see you every time ♪

for my dad.

[Squeals]
♪ I close my eyes ♪

♪ the evening shadows ♪

"While living
under a microscope

"was not always ideal,

"I was willing to make
the sacrifice

"to be up close and personal
to the perfect specimen

"otherwise known
as my boyfriend.

He was massively hot,
wise, and--"

intrusive.

But, given our intimate
proximity,

we had grown close.



One could argue too close...

for comfort.

[Alarm beeping]
[Groans]

Matty's "staycation" at my house
had been exciting.

Until my lips started
to crack from overuse.

Their recovery required
a little extra time

in the bathroom.

So I had to make sure
I got there before he did.

Morning.

Or I would never get to use it.

[Splurt]

Isn't there a bathroom
you can do this in?

No. Mom is in yours.
Matty is in mine.

And the guest sink
is too small.

[Water running]
Agh! Cold, cold!

Ooh.

Now there is no hot water.

What the hell
is he doing in there?

Hmm. Mixin' the creamer.

Boys have needs.

You know, for their hygiene.

Dad...I need your help.

It's been fun
having Matty here and all,

but I need my space back.

And my bathroom.

Think you could make
a subtle inquiry

into his timetable for
vacating the premises?

He's going through some
tough stuff on the home front.

We need to be supportive.

Like mom's bras?

Notice she's been wearing
bigger pushups lately?

- No.
- Well, she has,

and I can guarantee
they're not for you.

Good morning!

Thanks, babe.

Are you wearing a new bra?

Why, yes, I am.

You know, I think
it's time for Matty to--

Toss my sheets in the laundry.

Are you sure your want me
to leave the comforter

folded on the couch?
I can hide it.

Don't sweat it, honey.

The fact that you
even made your bed

is more than I can say for...
other people.

The morning dig.

For my mother, it was
the best part of waking up.

Kevin, the garage door
is still stuck.

I had to park on the street
last night.

Do you know what
a dash-and-drizzle

- does to a blowout?
- Not a clue.

I could take a look
at the garage door.

Maybe this weekend?

Excellent.

I almost forgot.

Lunch? You haven't made me
lunch since kindergarten.

And I feel really bad
about that.

So I'm making up for lost time.

He may never leave.

Matty gets the cow, the milk,

and to live in the barn
for free.

And you need to do a better job
with your wakeup makeup.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

Maybe you should.
You're starting to look old.

- You could easily pass for 25.
- Thanks.

And what's up
with the angel hair?

Oh, it's frizzy
from my whore bath.

No, I mean...

the angel hair.

Pasta.
Matty's favorite.

We have had it every night.

Why should you be
forced to carbo load

because he ran away from home?

Does he know
how cramped you feel?

I'm trying to hide it.
But how can he be so oblivious?

It is like living at a resort

that serves sex, spaghetti,
and sports center.

- I don't even miss home.
- Really?

Nope, not at all.
I am more than comfortable.

You haven't worn out
your welcome?

Psh, nah.
Jenna's cool with it.

I am so not cool with it.

We share everything--
her bathroom, deodorant.

I think he's been
using my toothbrush.

- Uck!
- She lets me watch sports 24/7.

He cleared my TiVo for ESPN.

What about the Real Housewives?

It's as if they were
never real at all.

Are you getting any action?

Nightly.

Every...night.

How do you poop
when he's always

- hijacking your safe space?
- I don't.

What? He's been
at your house for over a week.

- I know.
- Jenna, a backup like that

could easily become a blowup.
He has to move out.

You can never leave.

Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- Jenna, how you doing?

Hi.

Oh. Um...

I should get to class.

Don't forget to take your pill.

Your mom told me to remind you.

Hey! I wanted
to make sure

you're bringing alcohol
tonight.

I'm always down
for a booze schmooze.

What are we doing?

The annual cheer sleepover
at Sadie's.

Didn't you get the email?

No.

- Maybe it went to spam.
- Maybe.

Did you get the one
about pom-pom hygiene?

Purelled and polished.

- The new dance pants?
- High cut.

And I wonder what kind of...

I'll be right back.

Actually, there's not gonna be
a sleepover this year.

I got confused.
It happens.

Bye!

She just froze me out.

Why would you want to spend
a night at Sadie's anyway?

Because she is still treating
me like I'm the cheer alternate

when I am the cheer ultimate.

- I'm going to that party.
- Are you sure?

Yes! Sleepovers
are game changers.

And I give
professional sleepover.

The key is not to sleep
until it's over.

And then we hiked out
of the canyon

and back into reality.

My guide was gone,
and suddenly...

my life made sense.

Are you done?
I couldn't tell.

Hamilton, what'd you think?

[Clears throat]

I thought it was...

a little pretentious.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Taking acid in the desert,
quoting Hunter S. Thompson,

and writing about
a half-peyote shaman

that you hallucinated--
it's cliche

and obvious.

Easy, Hamilton, you're
describing my early 20s.

[Laughter]

Then again, I was a stupid kid.

I didn't understand life.

Or pain.
Or love.

Or how to write a damn thing...

That wasn't an attempt
to seem cool.

Humility, Mr. Jennings.

It's a very important
part of the process.

And, although I don't agree with
"Hambien" over here,

she does make a good point.

It's easy to go
where expected, guys.

Don't go there.

Now...

Ms. Hamilton.

Ooh! Sorry. Sorry.
[Laughter]

- You okay?
- Yeah, I--

just a little
sleep deprivation at home.

My suggestion: Grab a nice
glass of warm milk

with one of your essays.

If you're anything like me,

it'll knock you right out.

[School bell rings]

All right, that's it, turds.
See you guys later.

Jenna.

I just wanted to thank you.

- For what?
- Your candor in class.

Listen, I am tired
and out of it.

I don't have patience
for your sarcasm.

I wasn't being sarcastic.

It was sincere.
You were right.

My story was pretentious,
and I'm okay with that.

But...obvious?

That's the last thing
I want to be.

So thanks for being honest.

It's a...
hard thing to do.

Collin was the last guy

I thought could
handle the truth.

But if he could,
maybe Matty could too.

And since I'm all about
quid pro quo,

you might want
to check out a mirror.

You've got a bit of a 'stache.

Little experiment
gone awry, huh?

Bet you wish you would have
drawn it on your finger instead.

Less of a commitment.

I didn't do it.

It's was Mr. Hart's
idea of a joke.

Fell asleep in class.

Ah, result of some
late-night sex play

with the live-in?

Mm, mm, mm?

How's it going?

To be honest,
it's changed things.

I mean...
I want to be there

for Matty
during this hard time.

I just don't want him
to be there with me.

You need the lovin', but you
want to bring back the mystery.

- I feel ya.
- How do I do that

without hurting
Matty's feelings?

J, you came to the right place.

I am an expert at getting men
to leave my pad,

most often in the dark
cover of night,

while I'm sleeping.

Okay, just brainstorming here.

Ideas.
[Sighs]

Ideas, ideas, ideas.

Get a cat.

What's a cat gonna do?

Right.
Better make it two.

While some men can handle
the warm purr

of a single kitty,
they can't handle a cat's cat.

Oh, and look for one
with anal gland issues.

Unwanted cat splat
will send him a-packin'.

Val, I'm not getting any pets.

Tried sharing his neti pot?

I don't even know what that is.

Baby talk during sex!

Oh. Ahem.

[Baby voice] Ohh...

Matty watty,
your little peeny weenie

is sho shnuggly wuggly.

I want him to move out,
not move on.

Well, that's all I got.

Ugh, look at the time.

If you have
any follow-up questions,

you can call, text, or tweet.

Bowling lesson.
I gots to go.

[Stomach rumbling]

Suddenly, so did I.

The coast was clear.

I finally had the house
to myself.

My guilty pleasures had been
piling up all week,

but with no throne to perch on,

I couldn't truly enjoy them.

It was time
to take care of business.

Uh, what are you doing here?

- Practice was canceled.
- Ohh. Oh.

Bet you my mom
made you a snack.

You wanna meet me
in the kitchen?

- I'm not really hungry.
- Can you try to be?

'Cause I really,
really need to catch up

on these important
cultural critiques.

- Important.
- Yes, and I need to do it

in there, alone, with scented
candles and dim lighting,

and you are driving me crazy!

I love you,
but I love myself too,

and I need space.

And my bathroom
and my hair products.

- And I need privacy, Matty!
- Okay, slow down.

I can't, I've kept it
all bottled up,

and I just need to let it--
[Passes gas loudly]

Your parents
called to remind you

that they're going
to the Hollywood Bowl tonight.

Won't be home till late.

Good to know.

And your mom left money
for pizza.

Or we could just head over
to the chili cook-off.

[Both snicker]

[Laughing]

- Matty, I am so sorry.
- Oh, don't apologize.

Every once in a while, we all
have to let out a little steam.

Oh, shut up.

No, hey, hey, hey.

- You were right to explode.
- Don't--

[snickering]

I am a dude.

We can be a little oblivious.

I didn't mean to put
so much pressure on you.

[Chuckles] I have a solution.

I will call Jake, and I can
head over there tonight.

Somehow, Matty had
made it comfortable

to be uncomfortable.

Don't.

If you're comfortable here,

you should stay
as long as you like.

Really?

No.

But stay the night.

We had turned off the pressure,

which meant it was time
to turn on the fun

and shift Matty's gears

from brother to lover.

What do you want to do?

Something we've never
done before.

- You don't have to do this.
- But I do.

If those girls
smell fear in me,

- I'll never be accepted.
- Tamara, they're evil.

Do you remember
Lee Anne Hodges?

The girl who transferred

to the school
for the performing arts?

She's not performing anything

except One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest,

24 hours a day.

She's at a psychiatric
facility...

in Utah.

She checked in after those girls
made her check out.

I call shenanigans.
They're just cheerleaders.

Who are out for blood.

Just promise me that if
anything goes wrong in there,

- you'll say the word?
- What word? Our safe word?

We don't have a safe word.

Then we need one.
What is it?

Stop.

You know, I'm gonna be fine.

As they say, there is
always safety in numbers.

You can't handle this.

It might be painful.

And dirty.

Oh, the dirtier the better.

- You sure?
- I'm ready.

Pick your porn.

How 'bout that one?

Asian Persuasion 9?

You think Ming is hot?

- No.
- So she's not?

Eh, she's not not...

hot.

This is a trick question.

I'm kidding.
Grow a funny bone.

I'm trying to.

Oh,Harry Potter
And the Half-Blood Whore.

Call me Dumbledore,
and I will show you my staff.

[Laughs]

I can't watch wizard porn.

But it's the only one
with a story.

Why do you need a story
beyond "This goes into that,

repeat until everyone
makes a weird face."

Because that sounds gross.

Why are we doing this again?

'Cause...
we've gotten

way too comfortable
with each other,

and we need to shake things up.

We need to shake things up.

When are the other girls
gonna get here?

Never. No one wants
to deal with Sadie

now that she's broke.

She can't soothe her sadism

with spa treatments anymore.

So it's just the three of us?

- Yeah.
- I gotta make a call.

[Sighs]

Jake, you need to stop
doing whatever you're doing

and stop me from staying
the night--hurry!

Consuela's gonna give us
mani-pedis,

but she only has energy
for two,

so, Tamara, feel free
to wait outside...

with my dog.

Thanks for your lack
of hospitality,

but I think I'm gonna head out.

Good! Now I won't feel bad
talking shit about you

- to your face.
- Oh, please.

- Don't hold back.
- Really?

Because I do have
a question for you.

Bring it.

When you kiss Jake,

does it taste like Jenna?

I don't know--
when you kissed Ricky,

did it taste like me?

- Skitch.
- Whore.

Guys, let's not get wound up.

Consuela, get my spirit board.

Unlocking the afterlife
can be really dangerous.

We should keep it locked.

How about we play
"Light As A Feather" instead?

Ricky, if you can hear me,

set the record straight.

Did you love me
more than this bitch?

Ricky, were you attracted
to Sadie's mannish appearance

because you were gay?

Guys, I--
I brought Tangled.

Did the thought of Tamara's
face put you in the grave?

Or did Sadie shove you
in there herself?

Was your death an accident?

[Gasps]

Did someone kill you?

Both: Who killed you?

This is not okay!

Let the spirits rest!

I need a ride home.

Okay.
Just waiting on Tamara.

She's not coming.

[Phone bloops]

She's not coming.

Do you believe
in the afterlife?

In what way?

In the way that your sins
come back to haunt you.

You mean like karma?

Yeah.

Sure.

I think God's punishing me.

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

I lost my virginity
this summer.

[British accent] I'm not ready
to lose my virginity.

Is that supposed to
be Hermione?

Less watching, more kissing.

- Mmm.
- [On TV] Oh, yeah!

Ohh!

Why would someone do this?

Oh, I don't know.
Costume fetish?

[Both giggle]

Oh. I'm sorry.

But look at that girl.

She's actually pretty.

She could have been
a real actress.

Yeah, if she could act.

She's probably a runaway.

- So?
- So it's disturbing.

It's not like there are
little girls who run around

saying, "When I grow up,
I want to have sex

with strange men
on camera."

- It's sad.
- What's sad is how much

you're killing the moment.

Way to be insensitive.

It's not like those girls
have their boyfriends' homes

to run off to
when things get tough.

You know, I'm--
I'm tired.

I'm gonna crash.

I'll be out of here
in the morning.

That's it.
Let it happen.

- Off to dreamland.
- No.

No, I won't go there.

Unless you want
to call a truce?

If you let me sleep,
I will let you sleep

and I'll leave
first thing in the morning.

You don't even have to feed me.

Oh, I won't.

- Good.
- Great.

Both: Truce.

Your bed is the floor.

Or you can sleep
in my dog's bed,

since he's with Consuela.

But there's plenty of room
for both of us in yours.

It's non-negotiable.
I don't co-sleep.

[Whimpering and crying]

What is wrong with you?

I have a bad back.

And I don't care.

[Whimpering like a dog]

Are you gonna do that all night

unless I let you up here?

- Yes.
- Fine!

But don't touch me.

[Sighs]

Matty, we need to talk.

Uh, not now.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

Please don't make me
do this through the door.

I'll just be a minute.

That's when I realized Matty

might have been working out
another problem.

Oh, my God,
are you shaking the...

So our comfort zone had
finally gotten uncomfortable.

For both of us.

I finally realized
Matty didn't need a lover.

He needed a mother.

Maybe it's time
you talked to your parents.

Why?

They haven't called
since I left.

That's pride.

I didn't talk to Jennifer

days after she found out
I wrote the letter,

and I'm the one
who made that mess.

And what'd she do?

She let me process...

how to talk to her and then,

when I didn't,

she found the strength
to talk to me.

There's no instruction manual
on how to parent.

Sometimes, our kids have
to teach us what they need.

Jenna did that for me.

Maybe you could do that
for your mom too?

♪ Charade's all over ♪

♪ why are we so sad? ♪

What...the...fuck?

Ooh!
[Thud]

What the fuck?

You were touching me.

Don't get excited.
I'm a snuggle bug.

Any warm body will do,

especially one
that's bigger than mine.

It's morning.
You can leave now.

I'm going.

Can I get a ride?

Consuela has Sundays off.

What about your parents?

They're not home.

Where are they?

Don't fuck with me.

I know you know
my dad left the country

and my mom's holed up somewhere
for exhaustion.

So it's true.

- You are broke.
- Yeah, so what?

Are you gonna tell everybody?

Yeah!
I have a big mouth.

If you want me to keep quiet,

you're gonna have
to threaten me.

If you say a fucking word,
I will ensure

that you also break your neck
during practice.

Your secret's safe.

Hey.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna take off.

Get out of your hair.

Are you going to Jake's?

No, I'm gonna go home.

Your mom gave me
some good advice.

I'll see if it works.

Okay.

Okay.

Are we okay?

Yeah.

By the way...

what did you think
I was doing in the bathroom?

Oh, I thought you were...
you know...

shakin' the creamer.

Oh, no.

I do that in shower.

It was the first time
in days I could relax.

I was free to do anything I wanted

in the privacy of my own room.

Within limits since my dad
had yet to put the lock back on.

My space was finally safe.

But suddenly, it felt empty.

I forgot something.

So apparently we were back to normal.

And all it took was confining
Matty's access to the back door.

The actual back door.