Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 7 - Guilt Trippin' - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

I'm not good enough for Matty.

He's hot, and I'm not.
What do you see in me?

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

I was the girl who tried
to kill herself.

It was weird.

My suicide story, which made me
a freak in my high school,

made me a hero in theirs.

[Leah Lou & The 2 Left Shoes' Come Over]
♪ I'm a mess at best ♪

Once again, homecoming pinning
was in process.

Yes! Yes!
[Squeals]



It was an ancient
Palos Hills tradition

that was otherwise known
as Bloody Thursday

because, while it was an honor
to get stuck,

no one knew their way
around a pin.

[Gasps]

♪ You ♪

♪ come over ♪

Is it weird that I'm worried

I might not get one?

Girlfriend, loosen up
your poodle skirt.

Matty is not gonna leave
you lacking.

As outdated
as the tradition was,

there was something
about being outed

by your date that was...



- Is Jenna Hamilton here?
- Sweet.

But in my excitement
to be a have,

I'd forgotten about the girls
who were still have-nots,

like Kiki Reynolds
and Mia Brady

and Kristy Patton.

I knew what it was like
to be bare-chested.

Jenna Hamilton, will you be...

[Laughs] Matty's girl?

Yes, I will.

I'm not so sold on the safety
of this pin.

I can show you how to stick it.

Or I can show you
where to stick it.

Later.

Bye.

Maybe my pin didn't need
to be a ticket

for the guilt train.

Maybe it could just remind me

that I was lucky
I had a boyfriend.

Besides, it wasn't like
I was gonna rub it

in anyone's face.

[All gasp] Oh.

Sorry.

Or maybe I was.

About time we all get
to click "Like"

on this bizarro ritual.

Although I forgot to wear
a fucking shirt.

I didn't.

As expected, my beard was a pro
at the pin stick.

A little blood could've gone
a long way to jazz mine up.

At least you got a pin.

Remember what it felt like
last year?

- Or the year before?
- That's what I'm saying.

Don't you guys have
any survivor's guilt?

It just feels obnoxious
to flaunt our good fortune.

Maybe we should take them off.

Oh, pop a chillax-ative,
Jenna.

These pins are not gonna make
any girl's spiral go viral.

What's the point
of all this, anyway?

We're just gonna spend hours
getting ready,

only to sweat
through our dresses,

sitting on our boyfriend's lap.

- She is a truth-talker.
- What do you mean?

Matty.
He doesn't even dance.

Big ups on the love marks,
ladies.

Way to be datable.

Miss Patton, can you follow me?

Kristy Patton, prime example.

We were BFFs
in the fourth grade,

and yes, I stopped
being friends with her

when she started eating chalk,

but I could just
as easily be her,

having a no-date meltdown
today.

Ugh, Ming, I can't handle Jenna

when she's down with a frown.

How about a little backup?

Uh...

I'm ready to call in my favor.

- Favor?
- Don't you remember

when I got you
the sanctuary tape last year,

and you said if there was ever
anything in the world

I needed, you'd do it?

That's not exactly
what happened.

Since you're
on the homecoming committee

for the East Meets West Club--

Are you confusing me
with another Asian?

You replaced the former rep,

the one who
mysteriously disappeared.

I think his name was Fred Wu.

- Fred who?
- I didn't know him either.

The committee's been

in a dance theme deadlock
for weeks.

The emergency vote
is this afternoon.

It's down to Great Ball Of China
and Tropic Like It's Hot.

Oh, so you want me
to vote China?

You shouldn't jump
to conclusions.

You aren't very good at it.

I need you to make
Great Ball lose.

I don't understand.

All you need to understand

is that there's nothing
to understand.

So do I even have a choice?

Both: [Giggling]

Don't be silly.
Of course you do.

- Oh.
- [Giggles]

[Speaking foreign language]

You want to double-cross
a double-crosser?

I'm weighing my options.

Oh, well, drop your options
back on the scale

because the only way
this is gonna end

is with you
on a slow boat to China.

This might be my chance
to get back at her

for all the shit
she's done to me.

Jenna! Thoughts?

Hamilton, rein in
the obsessing stressing.

Kristy Patton is fine.

Maybe Matty used toxic paint
on her pin.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Two. And a thumb.

Hey.

You don't have to wear the pin.

Why wouldn't I?

I don't know.
It's kind of obnoxious.

But, to my credit,
not as obnoxious

as Hillary Matthews'.

[Cow bells jingling]

Obnoxious.

That was my word.

But I hadn't shared it
with Matty, which meant...

- T, need a napkin?
- I got one.

Will you walk with me
to get one?

There's a whole stack
right here.

Those aren't substantial.

I need a substantial napkin

and your help in carrying it.

What's with
the twitch-sitch?

"Napkin" isn't any of the codes
I know.

What about girl code?
Do you know that one?

Why did you tell Matty
what I said about the pin?

I didn't tell Matty.

I just maybe told Jake.
But Jake and I--

Tell each other everything.
I've heard.

But your sharing is getting
back to my relationship.

Please stop talking to Jake
about Matty and me.

Okay. Fine.

Even if Jake wants to talk

- about you or Matty, I won't.
- Sounds good.

Like, even if I find out
Matty wants to buy you

a stuffed animal
for your birthday,

I'll just let it happen.

Uh, I have to go do
a-a thing.

♪ He says he's ready ♪

♪ then he makes me wait ♪

If Kristy was about to get
to second base

with a pin, then I'd be able

to tuck my guilt to sleep.

But the action
was all in my head.

Kristy wasn't getting pinned,

which was making her
too depressed to eat...

♪ Well, there's no place
I'd rather be ♪

...and causing her to old-school
blog out her feelings...

♪ Than here with you
in front of me ♪

...and share her sob story
with Val.

Unfortunately, my guilt trip
wasn't going anywhere.

We need to talk about Kristy.

Oh, it is so sweet of you
to take an interest

in the bottom feeders
of the social aquarium,

but I cannot discuss
other students' problems.

I'm just really worried
about her.

Mm, well,

maybe we can discuss...

our mutual friend...

Stapler.

Stapler is in a dark place, J.

He is just careening
down the rabbit hole.

And if you think life
topside is tough,

it is worse down below.

You know,
Stapler reminds me a lot

of who you could've been
had our paths never crossed.

Are you suggesting
we need to start

a Kristy watch?

Oh, I'm watching her
very closely,

and I gave her my best advice.

Which was?

Avoid the dance.

[Timer dings]

Ugh, I hate to kick you out,

but pin day is my busiest day

of the year,

just a big ol' trail of tears

to and from my office.

Val's advice to avoid the dance

wasn't revolutionary,

considering Kristy
didn't have a date.

But she had a point,
and I suddenly had a plan.

I can't wear the pin.

It's not that I don't love
that you made it for me.

I mean, I really am impressed
with your craftsmanship.

Pipe cleaners are tricky.

But I can't support a tradition

that makes other girls
feel bad about themselves.

Because I don't think anyone
should have to feel less than.

♪ Every now and then ♪

♪ I would try to start again ♪

Okay.
You don't have to wear it.

♪ Just enough to pull you ♪

But will you still keep it?

Even with the pin off my shirt,

my chest was still heavy.

Maybe if I really wanted
to stand up

to this tradition,
I needed to sit it out.

It's not just the pin.
It's the dance.

I can't go.
I'm sorry.

Silencio, por favor.

I have just tallied
the third round

of silent ballots.

This all could've been done
weeks ago

if I still had universal power.

On that note, the ballots say

that cheerleaders should run
concessions this year.

I think you're really
gonna rock

the apron/hair net combo.

Watch it with the 'tude,
twiggy,

or I will break you in half.

With your giant man hands?

[All gasp]

We have a tie between...

Tropic Like It's Hot and...

Great Ball Of China.

Reps from each club,
prepare your final pitches.

Hey!

So.

Do you consider yourself
a manipulative bitch?

Right. Okay.

Um, as a...

manipulative bitch,

if you ask someone
to do something,

do you want them to do it?

Or do you ask them
the opposite of what you want,

knowing they know
you're a bitch

and might not do it?

If I tell someone
to do something,

I want it done,

like I want you to take
your dumb-ass questions

and your androgynous wardrobe

and go away.

Ohh. So Becca does want
Great Ball to lose.

Which means...

1930s Shanghai.

Opium smoke fills the air.

Paper lanterns dance
across a harvest moon.

And tiny triangles

of foil-wrapped chicken.

[Chinese string music]

[Cheers]

Becca can suck my big fat--

Woody.

Woody Loveridge
would be perfect for Kristy.

[Soft rock music playing]

[Squeals]
Let me see your pin. Ah!

Ooh, crafty.

Why aren't you wearing it?
I want to see it on.

I'm not putting it on,

and I'm not going to the dance.

- Did you break up?
- No!

- Matty doesn't want to go.
- No. I don't.

I don't want to be
a part of something

that makes girls
without dates feel bad.

But that's part of what's
so great about having a date.

No, you don't get it.

I don't want
to single out the singles.

I've been there, and it sucks.

- But you're not there anymore.
- I know.

And someone needs
to take a stand

because people are hurting.

Does Matty want to go?

- Yes.
- So let me get this straight.

You're hurting someone you love

to avoid hurting people
you barely know,

who, by the way,
will be sitting at home

and will never know you went
to the dance anyway.

Who wins here?

Me, because I'm taking a stand.

- Well, it's a dumb stand.
- Well, you're a dumb mom.

And you are a crazy teenager,

and a selfish one at that,

because protesting the dance
doesn't help anyone,

and it hurts Matty.

It is his night too.

- What are you doing?
- Calling Matty.

You're going.

Talk.

[Line rings]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry you had front row seats
to the freak show earlier.

Do you want to go to the dance?

- Do you want to go?
- If you want to go.

I think it might be fun,
but I don't want to make you go.

I don't want
to make you not go.

- Then let's go.
- Great, can't wait.

Hmm.

Homecoming's back on.

But I am confused.

She didn't want to go.
Now she wants to go.

Do you know what's up?

I know nothing.

Mm, you know something.

- No, I don't.
- What do you know?

Nothing.

No.

Guys: - ♪ Do-do do-do ♪
- No! No!

No no no!
Stop stop stop stop stop!

Jenna's upset
Matty doesn't dance!

I am so dead.

So it was about me.

You should go.

Uh! You are just gonna tickle
and toss me?

I'm sorry.
I gotta call bro code.

Okay.

I'm gonna break it down
for you.

You gotta break it down.

I can't.

Well, you have to.

I really cannot dance.

I'm-- I'm bad.

And that...
is why you have me.

No, no, no, no, no.

We're not footloosing.

Ha, like you're ready
for a warehouse.

I don't even know
what that means.

Never mind.

Help me move this.

[Upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

♪ you never saw it good ♪

You're gonna grapevine,
and grapevine,

and sprinkler, sprinkler,
sprinkler,

twist, twist, twist, oh, yeah!

Let me slow it down
for you, okay?

Grapevine.

Grapevine.

Sprinkler.
Sprinkler.

- These are the basics?
- Yeah.

I'm not even giving you
an eight-count.

I'm just freestyling.

There is no way I can do this.

Okay, okay,

maybe I'm getting
ahead of myself.

Let me let you in
on a little secret,

passed down through generations

of Rosati men...

You just... gotta... give...

good... face.

What are you looking at
right now?

You're lookin' at my face.

- Yeah.
- Ha, ha, right?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

All right.

- Ha!
- Oh, yeah.

We're gonna have you making
dance magic in no time, man.

[Exhales]

Oh, yeah!

[Energetic dance music]

♪ ♪

What time is it?

I thought they would be here
by now.

- Why did they want to meet us?
- Matty wouldn't say.

♪ ♪

Did Kristy Patton get a date?

Until yesterday,
I hadn't even heard of her,

so my intel on her dating life
is nada boom.

If Kristy wasn't a sad single,

I could flip off
my guilt switch and finally--

Relax, dude.

Hey, it'll be over
before you know it.

[Muffled dance music]

Let's see those faces.

Come on.
Give it to me.

Uh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ha.

You're as good as it gets.

[Upbeat dance music]

[Indistinct chatter]

Ming.

Honghui.

Is that your real name?

What's up with the withholding?

So, Great Ball Of China won.

Yeah, crazy, right?

I talked about feet binding

and how hard it is
to eat with chopsticks,

and people still thought
it sounded like a party.

I know what you did
in the meeting.

But don't worry.

I wanted Great Ball to win.

I got all this Asian crap

for five cents on the dollar.

Now we have the rest
of the dance budget

to pay for our winter ski trip.

You get to keep
the extra money?

We have a very good accountant.

Enjoy the dance.

[Gasps] And try the dim sum.

The soy sauce has
an extra kick.

[Speaking foreign language]

[Giggles]

- Your advice sucked.
- What advice?

At the homecoming hearing.
You screwed me.

I don't care enough about you
to screw you.

Where did I go wrong?

[Gasps] Sorry, Slim Sadie.

Could barely even see
you there.

[Chuckles] Kidding!

Who couldn't see you?

Bump me again, and I will shove

one of these stupid
Asian dumplings

so far up your ass,

you'll start speaking
broken English.

[Giggling]

[Exhales]

I asked a white bitch
for Asian bitch advice.

Fuck me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What took you guys so long?

- Jake had bad tacos.
- Matty had bad tacos.

Whatever.

You can keep your bromo-erotic
secrets to yourself.

But, Jake, can we go
hip-lock already?

Ooh.
Talk dirty to me, baby.

While they went to grind,

I would be lap-locked
in three, two--

One sec, Jake.

[Romantic hip-hop music]

Ugh, I wish our boyfriends
would break up.

I can't dance to this song.
It's too slow.

I won't be able to distract
people with my face.

Okay.

I heard there's a secret menu
at the dim sum cart

where if you ask
for "plum surprise",

you get soy sauce packets
full of liquor.

Why don't we get a couple
of those, calm you down?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Hey, we'll be right back.

The double-crosser
double-crossed me,

but I will take her down.

Hate to blow out
your hate-scheme pipe dream,

but Becca's always
three steps ahead.

Actually, she has tiny feet.
Make that five.

T's right.

She probably already knows

you're trying to retaliate.

No, she thinks
I'm scared again.

There's no way she knows
I'm long-hauling my revenge.

[Cell phone blips]

_

Holy shit!

[Chuckles weakly] Henry.

We gotta go.
[Laughs]

Do your parents have
a fallout shelter?

You would never come
to the dance alone, would you?

Let's rewind to an hour ago,

when we drove ourselves here.

But we had dates,
and when we didn't,

we were no-shows.

Loop me in on your spiral.

I haven't actually seen Kristy
with a guy all night.

Again with the Patton patrol?

I'm gonna go do
a drive-by.

There is no liquor
on this cart.

Who would make up
plum surprise?

[Upbeat dance music] New song.

I think I can dance to it.

- Ha. You're gonna dance.
- Look.

Jenna has the same idea.

Just remember,
you're not gonna be alone.

You can do this.

♪ I don't know
what you're waiting for ♪

♪ I wanna see you play ♪

♪ come on and make my day ♪

I fucking love Asians.

I was right.

Kristy didn't have a date.

She wasn't having fun.

Her night was...

about to get awesome.

Bryan Johnson was gonna ask
her to dance.

They'd bump, grind,
fall in love,

and live happily...

never after.

I was still living in the house
that guilt built,

and there was only one way
to tear it down.

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ Mic check, one two, one two ♪

Hey, I'll find her.
Keep moving.

Eyes on the prize,
out of your head.

♪ I gotta get
this party started ♪

♪ I gotta get
this party crackin' ♪

♪ I gotta bring that back
to the club ♪

♪ all right,
now watch me make it happen ♪

Where's Jenna?
I need you to get her.

- Why?
- I can't say. Bro code.

Bro code can suck it.

I'm not gonna help you unless
you tell me what's going on.

Okay, fine.

Matty's gonna dance.

[Muffled dance music]

I just want to say

these dances are lame.

- Okay.
- I've been where you are.

And I know that
these dumb school traditions

can make it really easy
for you to feel unlovable.

Not that you are.
That's not what I meant.

But I know that you're going
into the bathroom

to cry right now.

And I want to say,

it gets better, Kristy.

What are you talking about?

You don't have to pretend.

I know you've been
too depressed to eat.

I saw you
throw away your lunch.

You saw that?

That wasn't my lunch.
That was a drop.

[Eerie music]

It--

But you were journaling about
your heartache on the quad.

I don't have a journal.

[Eerie music]

Okay, what about
in Val's office?

Your eyes were bloodshot.

I was high-balls, Jenna.
[Eerie music]

Listen, I appreciate
your concern,

but I'm not here
for the memories.

I came to make a transaction,

and honestly, it looks like
you could really use something

to take the edge off.

Here.

The first one's free.

Put your hands
where I can see them.

You're a cop, Dylan?

It's Leonard, and I'm DEA.

You're going down.

You're free to boogie.

Suddenly, I was high--

without the drugs.

Kristy wasn't sad or lonely

or a have-not,

because she was
about to have--

a record.

Jenna, come. Now.

Matty's gonna dance.

♪ Before we touch ♪

More faces!

♪ Come a little closer ♪

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Matty was dancing,

and he wasn't the only one.

Apparently, I didn't have
to feel sorry for anyone

except myself, because I wasn't
on the dance floor.

I told Matty you were upset
he doesn't dance,

but I didn't know he was gonna
be such a spaz-hole.

I'm sorry I broke girl code.

I'm not.

♪ I won't treat you
like you're oh so typical ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I won't treat you
like you're oh so typical ♪

I don't want to do this.

Come on, I didn't get
to see all of it

'cause I couldn't get past
your posse.

What can I say?
The ladies love my moves.

So let's see some.

Okay.
[Clears throat]

Hit it.

♪ Just all physical ♪

♪ I'm the type who won't get
oh so critical ♪

♪ so let's make
things physical ♪

Come on, J-town,
don't leave me hanging again!

[Laughing]

♪ I want you close,
I want you ♪

♪ I won't treat you
like you're typical ♪

♪ I want you close ♪

♪ I want you ♪

- Next on Awkward...
- I have to go read

at the stupid
coffee house tonight.

She's got
a performance tonight,

which she is now
shutting me out of.

My name is Jenna.

This is the story of how
I lost my virginity.

I'll be in the car.

You were classic.

Why'd you come tonight?

[Cell phone vibrates]
Hold on a sec.

- So who is the guy you stayed with?
- Collin?

He's at my class.