Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 7 - Another One Bites the Dust - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

- Jake said he loved me.
- You left Jake hanging?

You know what
her response to me was?

- "Awesome."
- Ooh.

We know you were
in love with Matty.

- But when did you know?
- After we had sex.

Okay, you have to have sex with Jake.
Then you'll know.

It will be worth the wait.
I promise.

From an early age,
I'd been programmed

to dream about my wedding--

What I would be wearing,



who I would be marrying, and...

What kind of debt
I'd be inheriting.

'Cause, let's face it,
the matrimonial business

was a racket,

and my mother was a sucker
for a good party.

I'd be paying that shit off
till I died.

But it would be worth it,
because the day would be...

Crap! I forgot my cutlets!

Considering Ally's past,

I never expected her to be
a traditional bride.

Found 'em.

She was more
the drive-thru chapel type.

How much you wanna bet her
dress is gonna have cutouts?

20 bucks.



50.

It's not gonna be obscene.

It's gonna be spandex.

You look stunning.

And you will too.

Because...

I bought you all your dresses.

I love it.

I'm not gonna throw up.

You did a good job, Al.

Ally had really
turned a corner.

She suddenly had style, class,

and generous spirit.

I had your dress
specially made.

I guess people really could
escape their past.

What? You're not
a bridesmaid.

You're the flower bitch.

But clearly,
I couldn't escape mine.

There has got to be
a way to tone this down.

- Suggestions?
- Put on a hat.

- What's that gonna do?
- Hide your face.

Okay, look at the bright side.

You're in a wedding.

It's gonna have full booze bars
and dirty old men

- to sneak you drinks.
- Nobody's getting me a drink

looking like
a five-year-old.

Every family has a perv.

And, knowing Ally,

her family would
have more than one.

So my mom's crashing
at the hotel,

which means tonight
is gonna be the night.

- Project bone is in effect?
- Yep.

With my lifetime
supply of protection...

I'm ready.

But maybe we won't do it here.

I should prepare
for spontaneity.

Where am I gonna put these?

Mom, I need a purse.

Look at the ones on my bed.

Your bad tan lines are lifting.

I knew that moron at the salon

used the wrong skin toner.

Lil' bitch,
get me my sippy cup.

Sippy cup?

I need my juice!

And a cheeseburger.

Ally had been on a cleanse
for over a month,

which had taken her from
bridezilla

to bridesaster.

I'm getting nervous.

- Why?
- It's my big day.

Well, I'm hoping
that the wedding

will rekindle something
with Kevin,

which is why I got a room
for the night.

He is a sucker for hotel sex.

Lace, put the fan down.

Kevin's not coming.
He RSVP'd with regrets.

Regrets?
What kind of regrets.

The wedding kind.
Frickin' relax.

'Cause guess who's single, hot,

and still hung up on you.

Ben's coming.

My Ben?

Who's Ben?

Did she just say "my Ben"?

Mom, why is he your Ben?

Damn... I haven't seen him
in like--

- 15 years.
- Yeah!

Not since after--
after Jenna was born.

Is he still funny?

Ohh. Funnier.

With my dad out of the picture

and my mom
in a vulnerable place,

suddenly a hotel room
out of my sight

didn't seem like a good idea.

I needed some clarity
on the Ben sitch.

Mom, answer me.
Who is Ben?

Lil' bitch,
why do you need a purse?

You're supposed to have
a basket-- Where is it?

Don't know.

Emily!

Where's the flower basket?

It's... here.

Let's see, we have
something old,

something new,
something borrowed,

- and blue.
- And-- and basket.

I don't see a basket.

That was on your list!

Don't worry, we're gonna...

Figure this out.

And we'll be right back.

I can't have a wedding
without a basket.

Take this!

See? Big flower bitch.

Big basket!

That is not gonna work!

Mom, who is Ben?

So we have
a little bit of a glitch.

Nothing too major,
but my assistant just quit.

Don't fret, I'm gonna
find someone to help.

I hope.

Tamara can assist you.

What? Why me?

Because I can't get through
this day alone.

I pay cash!

I am your slave.

Ohh.

Whoa.

Everything is under control.

They're gonna get me a basket,

and you don't need to implode.

Implode?

All I asked was for you
to do one thing.

Hold a frickin' basket!

You are ruining my wedding

just like you ruined my life
the day you were born.

Apparently, Ally couldn't
get past the past.

And I was done.

You just lost
your flower bitch.

Good.

Girls, please.

Let's not get crazy.

Okay, we're already there...

Hey, babe. Just borrowing a suit
and I'll be on my way.

Forget the suit.
I quit.

Quit?
What do you mean you quit?

- The wedding.
- There's baskets everywhere!

- We will find--
- I just wanted to marry...

Ally's lost half her body
weight, along with her sanity.

We're gonna do something
fun instead.

My mom's staying at the hotel,

so we've got the place
to ourselves.

Are you suggesting what
I think you're suggesting?

Oh, I don't know.

But if you have a dirty mind,
you'll meet me here around 5:00.

I'll be there at 4:59.

Ally! Ally!

Change of plans, dude.
I don't need a suit.

Good thing,
'cause this might be cursed.

Last time
I wore it was to the formal.

Right... When you got
dissed by that girl

with that other guy--
I forgot about that.

Hey, who was that, anyway?

Courtney?
Don't you wanna get it?

Not with you here.

Uh, oh, hey, it's Matty.

I been thinking
about you all day,

- writing in my diary.
- Hi.

Yeah? Can I call you back?

- Courtney.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

I'll see you tonight.

Dude, really funny.

So what's up
with you two, anyway?

Eh... She's cool.

As in... girlfriend cool?

I'm feeling it out, yeah.

Well, I'm glad you're finally
over that chick from camp.

Yeah, I'm ready to move on.

I can't move on.

Ally's always holding
my birth against me,

like I had some choice
in the matter.

- I hate her.
- Then why are you helping me?

Because I'm a nice person!

Hide it.

Now that I'm out, I don't
want a way back in.

No, you are.

No, you.

Ricky, shut it.
I gotta go.

Where can I get ready?

- By the dumpster.
- That's sweet,

but I don't have time
for a tour of your home.

Guest bath
is through the kitchen.

I can't do this.

I can't work a wedding
while Sadie and Ricky

gnaw on each other.

I'm into porn,
but not the torture kind.

Ricky's with Sadie.
He's the one being tortured.

True.

Ricky has a sadie.

Ben is coming!

My mom has a Ben.
Who the hell is Ben?

He's the guy your mom
should have married.

So far, there were no Bens
in my mom's freshman class.

Maybe he's older?

Jesus, your mom documented
every moment of high school,

like it was the best time
of her life.

It was.

- Sad.
- Sad.

Lode to the mother.
I struck scrunchies.

Ben and my mom
were definitely a couple.

Maybe this is the guy
she slept with before my dad.

Red flag. See his skin?
Oily.

Odds are,
he's now bald and fat.

They went to a costume party?

Something called "kid n play"?

What is that?

Not a threat.

Ben's definitely not gonna
out-hot your pop.

- Kid!
- Play!

- Threat alert.
- T, get me that basket.

You smell so good.

Are you still using...

- Coconut body wash.
- Coconut body wash.

Yeah.

Reunion's over.
Oh, hi.

Looks like you got that
nasty skin condition cleared up.

Jenna!

Ben, I am so sorry.

She is not usually this rude.

Ah, it's okay.
She's spunky.

She takes after her mom.

Sounded like a compliment,

but you should know that
all the good things about me

are directly related to my dad,

who, for the record,
is still married to my mom.

So... What are you doing here?

Uh, Ally wanted me
to give you all a ride

over to the ceremony.

- Oh, did she?
- Yeah, she did.

Good news, mom.

We found the basket.

Back in the wedding!

That is so great, sweetie.

We need to finish
getting ready.

Oh! Well, Ben, why don't
you wait in the living room?

Or the car.

I w-- I will go
wait in the car.

Okay.

Ahem.

What was that?

Was I frazzled?

I felt frazzled.

I haven't seen him in...

- 15 years.
- 15 years.

I forgot how handsome he is.

And those eyes.

What he could make me do
just by looking a--

No wonder I felt frazzled!

I look frazzled!
Why didn't you say something?

Well, it was a little hard
to get a word in edgewise

between his stare
and your drool.

Who is this Ben guy?

He's my ex-boyfriend.

The one who swiped
your V-card?

Well, I wouldn't
put it like that,

but, yes.

Thank God for the girls.

At least they
were in good form.

Shoot! I have to get ready.

Oh, I can't believe he saw me
looking like such a mess!

Ohh!

- This is not good.
- No joke.

Ben's your mom's Matty.

Tamara had connected the dots.

Ben was hot, hovering,
and waiting

to give my mother a ride,
again.

If he was my mom's Matty,
then I was in trouble,

and so was my dad.

Dad, it doesn't matter
what you're doing.

Drop it and call me back.

- It's an--
- Emergency!

My water just broke.

Crap... Balls!

Damn it!
Fuck Me!

Now I have one more thing
to worry about.

You know, Monica's
gonna be fine.

She's on her way
to the hospital.

I'm not talking about Monica.

Now, I have a hole
in my bridal party.

- Jenna can do it!
- No.

Lil' bitch needs
to throw the flowers.

I have to have
one more bridesmaid.

What you have to have
is a detox from the crack pipe.

No one is gonna be available
at the last minute

on a Saturday.

I love it!

It's so blousy.

Now I can hit the ol' buffet
extra hard.

Thank you so much

for doing this.

Ah, of course.

Lacey!

- I need a favor.
- I'm here for you.

My dad isn't here,
but my mom's ex is.

He's still hot for her.

Since my mom's
an emotional hot mess,

I think she might be
an easy target tonight.

Get my drift?

You want me to keep
the dude distracted

so your mom doesn't feel
the need to revisit history.

- Exactly.
- I don't know.

Please?

Ugh.

Let me break it down
for you, J.

I'm in a relationship.

Okay? And in this
bad-ass dress,

I might have a hard time
keeping his paws off me.

God forbid he hit
my sweet spot...

Unh!

I can't guarantee
I can keep Vixen Val

from stepping out on her man.

I will buy you a cat.

Persian?

Feral.
I like to rescue.

Bitch?

It's lil' bitch.

Bitch.

Crazytown 80 pounds
wants us to wear

our hair in double buns.

This is not gonna work for me

and definitely not for you
and your big love hair.

Can you reason with her?

No.
Do what she wants.

As expected, you're useless.

I'll handle it.
You're welcome.

Listen, auntie attitude,

I appreciate
that this is your day,

but I'm at my limit
of concessions.

I'm not gonna succumb to some

fugtastic
figure-skater style

because you--

Because... I... what?

I hate her.

Well, welcome to the club.

Your dad just called
and said there was an emergency.

- What's wrong?
- Ben!

I saw the way
you looked at each other.

Need a reminder
of the vow you took?

Honey, we're old friends.
That's it.

So there's no need
to worry about

how ridiculously hot he is.

Mom!

Ladies, final touches.

And you have a special visitor.

Hey... What are you
doing here?

I, uh, brought Jake my suit.

Yeah.

♪ Follow me around ♪

Uh, he should be on his way.

So the wedding's back on.

It was never off.

I just had a momentary
freak-out.

Well, you look good now.

I look like a cream puff.

Hey, I'm here.

I'm here. Hi.

Hi.

Where can I change?

Uh, there's a room
down the hall.

Great. Thanks, man.

You're the best.

Oh... Have fun tonight
with Courtney.

Do something I would
definitely do, huh?

Then I guess I'm in
for a dull evening.

Hilarious!

♪ You're the only one ♪

Everything good?

Yeah.
Thanks for bringing the suit.

Oh, it's what I do.
I problem solve.

And since the problem
is solved,

I guess I better head out.

♪ All that I want ♪

You guys look good together.

You think so?

Yeah, and I'm really
happy for you.

Even if it does sting a little.

- So how's Courtney?
- Great.

Yeah, she's--
she's great.

Really great.

Thanks for asking.

Matty...

It still stings
a little for me too.

Matty and I finally
had closure.

And while it was bittersweet,

we were rooting for each other.

So what was I worried about
with Ben?

Well, Lacey looks really good.

And she's separated.

I think tonight might be
my chance to make up

for some lost time.

Where is the flower bitch!?

I'm married, bitches!

This is gonna be a long night.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yes, preferably with some kick.

Oh! Mrs. Hamilton.
Cocktail?

She'll have a soda.

Honey, I do not
need a chaperone.

Mm, but that's the thing--
You do.

If it isn't the beautiful
Hamilton sisters.

Gross. Ben's tactics
were tacky.

But, unfortunately,
so was my mother.

So they were working.

Still the charmer.

Oh! You don't wanna
do something you'll regret.

I need to get out of here.

Emily is so far up my butt,
I could taste her,

and if that wasn't
craptastic enough,

I can't escape Sadie and Ricky!

They've been raping each other's
faces all night.

I'm gonna crack, Jenna.
I am seriously gonna...

Move the wedding cake.

- You owe me.
- And I did.

Tamara had singlehandedly
saved my sanity all day,

and I needed
to return the favor.

If she couldn't
escape her past,

then I would recount it.

Doll face, you are
the most beautiful woman

in this room.

And...

And I love your full lips.

And your full face.

And your full a--

Watch it.

Mind if I steal her
for a second?

Only for a second.

- Heel.
- Can you tone it down?

Tamara's still
a little sensitive

to the Ricky suck-face
sideshow.

Oh, no...
I-I'm so sorry.

I'm not.

You win some, you lose some.

Ricky might want
to be with you now,

but just wait--
He's a cheater and a liar,

and while you might
think you're special,

you're not.

So enjoy the delusion
while it lasts.

You seem uncommonly calm.

I took a muscle relaxer.

Just a muscle relaxer?

Or three.

Al...

It is not too late to back out.

You haven't slept with him yet.

It'll be an easy annulment.

I think you rushed into this.

- I did.
- Why?

So he wouldn't change his mind.

Lace, he's the first man
who's really loved me.

And that's a feeling
that's hard to forget.

I know.

You're on. Ready?

Point me to the target.

Oh, God.
No, I can't do this.

I won't be able
to hold it together.

- I know he's attractive, but--
- He is not my type.

Pretend.

I can pretend
to be many things,

but attracted to a pretty boy?

That is above
the call of duty, J.

I'll just keep your mom
preoccupied instead.

How many girls
have you cheated on?

Define cheating.

Yes.

Okay? Yes.
I've cheated.

On every girl
I've ever been with.

But they were not you.

I love you, doll face.

And only you.

Say it again.

I love you, and only you.

Hey, what's wrong?

What isn't?

I'm destined to be
an unlovable loser

and Sadie can't help
but rub it in my face.

Yeah.
She's out of control.

I'm gonna put an end to this.

- I'm putting an end to this.
- To what?

Your waltz down memory lane.

Just because
my parents are separated

doesn't mean it's open season
on my mom.

I know your type.

You lost out,
and now you want her back.

But it doesn't matter
what you do,

because my mom loves my dad,

- and she wants him back.
- Point taken.

- Good.
- You're right.

I should have fought for
your mom when I had the chance.

But learn from my mistakes.

I mean, if you have
someone special,

don't take it for granted.

And I did have someone special

who I'd been taking
for granted all night.

With the Ben sitch put to bed,

it was finally time to
jump into mine with Jake.

You off the clock?

Not quite, but at this point,

Emily can suck it.

Have you seen Jake?

He's giving it to Sadie for me.

I love that kid.

And I did too.

And it was time to tell him.

Right there, right then.

Come on, please.

Just chill out.

Mind your own business.

You're acting like an idiot.

Hey... Sorry I've been
MIA All day.

I want to make it up to you.

I think it's time
we ditched the reception.

Me? I'm the fool?

Um, sadly, that would be you.

Why don't you go back to your
best friend's sloppy seconds

and leave me alone.

Excuse me?

Ohh.

You don't know?

You really are the fool.

You're a bitch.

And I don't believe
a thing you're saying.

Ask Matty.

He had a piece of your
Hamilton pie

long before you did.

Go to hell.

Where is she?

She's with another guy.

Glad you're finally getting
over that chick from camp.

Yeah.

♪ the fate of the world
you leave ♪

And one more thing.

I love you, Jake Rosati.

♪ Making a moment ♪

Gone were the secrets
and heartache of my past.

I was looking at my future.

♪ Now's your chance ♪

Next on Awkward...

- What's wrong?
- Us.

Trouble in paradise?

I don't think she's
being honest with me...

- About what?
- That other guy.

I just have a gut feeling that
that guy's still around.

Listen, your dad's the one
who ruined their relationship,

and it started years ago.