Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 6 - What Comes First: Sex or Love? - full transcript

I couldn't shake what was
keeping me awake.

That Jake said he loved me.

I didn't say it back,
and I didn't know why.

What I did know was
why I loved ice cream.

It was a delicious,
comforting and cruel reminder

of how cold I must have seemed
when I left Jake hanging.

But I never left
my hoodies hanging

because it was
obvious I loved them.

They were versatile,
good for all seasons

and could hide me from the
probing, late night questions

I didn't wanna face.



So I didn't know how I felt.

I knew how to read a label.

The label would tell me how long

it would take
for my problem to go away.

Six weeks. The same amount of
time it took Jake

to know that he loved me.

Maybe I did know.

But I didn't realize it yet.

Because it was too soon.

And that was okay.

Nobody falls in love overnight.

It happened overnight.

I'm in love.

Or maybe they do.



I can't believe my best friend
is in love and engaged!

And what do you mean by "it
happened overnight"?

Considering that ally's longest
relationship was with nicotine,

her spontaneous engagement
seemed a bit sketch.

Details. We want them all.

Dan. That's his name.

You were always
so good with Dans.

- Mm-hmm.
- What does he do?

Ugh, something business-y.

I'm not clear on exactly what,
but the man is flush.

And the man drives a Porsche

with a personalized license
plate that says--

- "Dan the man"?

Yes! Good guess.

It was educated.

If the dude wanted
to marry Ally,

he had to have
questionable taste.

Don't judge, lil' bitch.

Be grateful that your future

uncle in law can afford

to surgically pack your cans

since nature's not going to.

Love him already.

So, two weeks ago, while I was
visiting my folks,

I was working down
at the beach club

while I pretended
to look for a job.

Meanwhile, Dan was pretending
to work out

while he made it his job to
watch me sweat.

[Both chuckle]

And then you got to know him
and he said he loved you

and while you weren't sure how
you felt at first,

you soon realized that he was
the best guy you ever met?

No. Then we went to Paris

and he put a 4.6 karat
rock on my finger. Bam!

He took you to Paris?

And he gave me his black Amex.

So when did
you know you loved him?

I don't know.
In the airport?

I can't remember
all the details.

Can't you just be happy for me?

Jenna, we saw that.

It was a supportive eye roll,

because now you don't have to
get a job.

I know!

I don't know,

I just didn't say it back.

So you left Jake hanging?

No, I kissed him.

Okay, this is promising.
And then?

And then I might have said,
"awesome."

Holy pulled goalie.

Exactly, it was pre-emotional
ejaculation.

No, saying "awesome"
on the heels of an ily

is the equivalent of knocking
someone up with heartache.

Or peeing in their face.

Which you wouldn't know,
tinkle-bell.

That's right.

I have an explosive bladder.

It has a mind of its own

so step away or
I might spray you.

Okay, think fast.

Imagine I'm an unhinged,
over-medicated hair stylist

and I'm about to mow down your
mane that you've been growing

since the fourth grade unless
you answer

this question honestly.

Are you in love with Jake?

One. Two.

It's not that I don't feel
something.

It's just that I'm not sure
I feel "it".

You're not in love.

Don't be so tentative.

Grab 'em!

I like it when you take charge.

And I like it
when you don't speak.

Oh, you're such a woman.

Pipe down and feel me up.

I can't stop
thinking about you.

And you can't tell me you don't

feel what's happening
between us.

Oh, I can.

And if you'd shut up,

I might let it out to breathe.

This isn't just some sordid
affair, dollface.

I wanna win your heart.

I am not, nor will I ever be
your dollface.

- Why not?
- It should be obvi,

but I guess I need
to break it down.

I don't do band geeks.

At least not in public.

Ah, but I'm the schwartzman.

I am the band.

Then this is all you get.

Okay, so let's
say I'm not in love,

which I'm not saying.

- What do I do?
- Break up.

- Break up? Why?
- Because it's not fair.

You're leading him on.

I'm not leading him on.

I'm taking my time.

Matty did that with me

and he came around eventually.

When you were in
a new relationship.

But I love being
Jake's girlfriend.

See, love just
slipped right out.

Totally unprovoked.

That's a good sign.

Maybe I'm coming around.

You don't just come around.
You know.

Like with Fred,
I could tell the second

he pumped me a cup with more
foam than beer.

He could sense I was
a lightweight.

I think everyone
could sense that

when you were
blowing chunks by the door.

But, that doesn't
take anything away

from the fact
that you know, Ming.

'Cause people just know
when they know.

But how do you know
when you know?

- Hey, beautiful.
- Die.

Damn it.

You just know.

And you know I'm the one

and only Jake Rosati,

with a special guest.

Matty McKibben.

And these are the Palace Hills
morning announcements.

It's black history month,
titans,

and so today we have a very
special history lesson

brought to you via recording
from our very own,

very white history teacher,
Mr. Samuel Wollman.

So last night... ending up
at the same place.

- That was a little awkward.
- Yeah.

But not as awkward as it was

when I told Jenna
that I loved her.

What? When did
you guys have sex?

We haven't.

But that's off the table
because I freaked her out.

You know what
her response to me was?

"Awesome."

Yeah,
that's because you can't say

"I love you"
before you have sex.

Come on, man,
there isn't an order.

Dude you are so JV.
[Laughs]

Right now you are at the
"I love hanging out with you"

or the "I love
being around you" phase.

You aren't supposed to blow

the "I love you" wad
until after sex.

That's the carrot you dangle
to get it, baby.

- I could just take it back.
- You can't take it back.

It's out there.

Now you just gotta play it cool,
all right.

Easy for you to say, you've
never been in love before.

Aha.

Evidence of my love.

Note the big smile,
warm embrace.

Need I say more?

Hey, do we look in love?

Thank you.

If I didn't know these people,

I'd be convinced.

But you do know these people.

And you don't need to convince
me or anyone else.

You need to convince yourself
and maybe your notebook.

Of what?

That you're not
still into Matty.

No way.
That ship has sailed.

It wasn't entirely true.

My feelings for Matty were
present and accounted for.

But like Jake, I didn't know
how to interpret them.

Was residual love for Matty
clouding my new love for Jake?

We know you were in love with
Matty, but when did you know?

- It was... after we had sex.
- Okay.

You have to have sex with Jake,
then you'll know.

I wasn't sure I was ready
to have sex with Jake.

It wasn't a question I ever
pondered with Matty.

I just did it.

Did I just need
to do "it" again?

[Bell rings]

[Chuckles]

Hey.

Yo.

- I've been thinking--
- That's funny.

Because, uh,
last night, I wasn't.

I think I know what
you're about to say.

- We should have sex.
- What?

[Over intercom]
I think we should have sex.

[All laugh]

Oh, uh, the mic.

- Was that just--
- Yeah.

So I've megaphoned
my mission to bang my beau.

Maybe no one knew the voice
over the PA was me.

Dude, yo I heard
Jenna Hamilton rolls commando

so she's good to go
at all times.

Apparently,
Jenna Hamilton can't live

without Jake's man juice.

Jenna Hamilton can't
keep it in her pants.

Slut.

I was overreacting.

There was nothing to avoid.

Nothing but--
[Both laugh]

My pile of denial.

Which I had stepped in. Again.

I'm down to bone.

Nice try, dude, but the girl's
got higher standards.

Which I would know firsthand.

- Come on, it was a joke.
- Not funny.

Okay, I'll quit.

- So...
- So...

You and Jake
are gonna do the deed.

I realize I made
a very public pronouncement,

but I'm not ready to discuss
the details with you.

Why not?

Um, because you and I

were just sealing the deal
a few months ago

and because it's weird.

Maybe talking about it

will help us get out of
the weird zone

and put us into the friend one.

You should let me casually
give Jake some pointers

about the Jenna dos and don'ts.

Wait, what do you mean,
Jenna's dos and don'ts?

You know, the stuff you do
and don't like when doing it.

I do not have dos and don'ts.

Oh, yes you do.
Remember the playhouse?

You were on top of me,
and you--

Do not tell Jake to do that.

I'm not gonna
tell Jake anything.

But I will tell you this.
Go easy, he's nervous.

He really... likes you.

While the Jake case was still
under investigation,

I realized the Matty case had
not gone cold.

It was closed 'cause I finally
knew something.

Matty and I were friends.

What's up, suicidal slut?

Get used to it, sex is gonna pay
your way through college.

You're welcome.

Mmm, dollface.

Skedatz, I have a call to make.

Don't look at me, keep moving,
pull out your phone

and pretend you're
having a conversation.

What happened between us was
supposed to be a one time deal.

One and done.

It was Valentine's Day, and I
was in a vulnerable place.

This morning was... hormonal.

Don't read into it!

I'm gonna fall apart
without you, dollface.

You can live with that?

I'm gonna cry.

I'm seriously gonna cry right
here right now.

Fine, meet me after school.

But consider it a parting gift.

I know what
you're doing after school.

Everyone does.

If it isn't "info nympho"

and "peed-her-pants pants."

I prefer tinkle-bell,
thank you!

It's fun to be us.

[Over intercom] Jenna Hamilton,

please report to
the vice principal's office.

So, I heard there might be
something you wanna discuss.

Nope. Nothing.

Not even...

Chugga-chugga-chugga
-choo-choo?

- Definitely not that.
- All right, listen.

I'm gonna give
you a little advice

that my mom imparted on me.

Always be a lady in the street,

freak in the sheets,
and quiet over the PA system.

Your mom said that?

Actually,
it might have been Usher.

And the PA tidbit, that's
just my own rule of thumb.

I find that sometimes
it's better to use

suggestive gestures in public
rather than overt expressions

- like, "do me, big boy."
- I didn't say that.

No what you said
just spelled it out.

At least "do me, big boy"

has alternate connotations,

like spreading mustard
on a footlong.

Jenna, I am not trying to
further your embarrassment

or turn this into a bigger deal
than it already is,

- but you could go to jail!
- For what?

P.M.U.I.

Premeditated
underage intercourse.

There's no law against
wanting to have sex.

There is if you wanna
have sex with a minor.

We're both minors.

I'm not a pervert.

Well...

That's still up for debate.

I mean, we already know

you have a fetish
for open forums.

- Can I go now?
- Sure, see you at home.

- What?
- Oh, I'm going to yoga

this afternoon with L-Dawg.

Your mom.

Don't worry, I won't let her
know you're a ho-bag.

Between all the heckles and
howls, I had come to my senses.

Sex was not the answer.

- The answer is yes.
- To what?

To the question that reverbed
around the hall?

That was more of a statement.

Either way, I'm in.

Okay, so I guess we should
talk logistics.

- When do you wanna do it?
- As soon as possible.

Okay, how's
tomorrow after school?

Uh, I have AsB. Friday?

Out with my dad. Darn it.

Guess we're gonna have to wait.

And maybe forget.

Okay, well let's just look

at next week and pencil it in.

You know, so we don't forget.

It looks like I could
squeeze it in now. You?

You're in luck.

And I was in trouble.

There were no
take-backs with sex.

Good to go. Where to?

- My car?
- It's too small.

Oh, yeah.

Well doesn't your mom
have yoga today?

Yeah, but she's only gonna be
gone two hours.

Two hours.

I'll be lucky if
I last two minutes.

- [Chuckles]
- I mean...

Uh, 20.. minutes.

Are you sure you wanna do this?
We don't have to.

You know,
if you're nervous, or...

And like that, I wasn't.

Jake wasn't laying
on the pressure.

He was buckling under it.

- I wanna do it.
- Yes!

I mean, it's cool, baby.

I can't believe you wanted to
do it in your car.

[Kissing noises]

- I quit band.
- Good for you.

Babe, I traded in my tenor sax
for my tender saxton.

- That was idiotic.
- I'm a fool.

Fool for love.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

I treat you like crap and you
keep coming back for more.

I get it.

You're too good for me.

I knew I could never be

with a girl as funny and as
smart and as beautiful as you,

but I had to try.

Why can't this
just be about sex?

- Well, we aren't having sex.
- You know what I mean.

Don't play with me, dollface.

If I don't have you
and I don't have the band,

I got nothing in this world.

Aw, Jesus, kiss me
before I throw up.

Are you excited?

- I can tell you are.
- We're doing this.

We're really doing this.

Oh...

We're not doing this.

Mom? Isn't it time for yoga?

Ally here persuaded us
to down the hatch

instead of downward the dog.

Wait a minute, did we spoil
your plan to have sex?

- [Gasps]
- [Giggles]

And on that note,
nice to see you.

- Rain check?
- Rain check.

[All giggle]

[Doorbell rings]

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's my favorite niece.

I'm your only niece.

Dan the man is your uncle?

Jenna's also her niece.

Please tell me we are

not about to be related.

- She's all yours.
- So you guys know each other?

Everyone knows Jenna.

She has a reputation.

Are you ready to go?

Jenna, isn't it fun
that Dan is Sadie's uncle

and he went
to Palace Hills, too.

Although he must have been
a few years ahead of us.

How about a decade?

My uncle like 'em young.

Well, young-ish.

Thanks, sweets.

He's not quite the ten I am.

Let's be honest, he's a four.

And since we're
about to be family,

I won't pull any punches.

You're more of a six.
You're welcome.

You're pretty funny
for a big girl.

And you're refreshingly
transparent for a gold-digger.

Al, I'm worried.
I really think you need

to sleep with Dan
before you get married.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you haven't
sampled the goods?

Oh, I've sampled and let me
tell you, he is well-endowed.

- In the bank.
- Woo woo!

- Why are you deflecting.
- She's got herpes.

I'm not gonna lie, I've had to
get past a few things.

Like his back.

I mean, the man might
be part-bear.

But he thinks I'm smart

and funny and beautiful.

[Loud whisper]
He's trying to get laid.

He sees me the way I see
myself.

Perfect as is.

That's why I want our first
time to be special.

But it isn't your first time,
so how can it be special?

Oh, it can be special.

- Your dad was special.
- That doesn't count.

He was your one and only.

[Stifles laugh]

- Shh!
- [Laughs]

Your mom had a life
before your dad.

But not quite the life
I've had.

That is code for huge
va-jay-jay.

I used to jump into the sack

thinking it would
clarify how I felt.

- And did it?
- No.

If the feelings
weren't there before,

then the sex was just that. Sex.

By the way, Lace,
you could use some.

We're gonna start mining
your new husband prospects

at my wedding.
[Laughs]

Are you implying
that my current husband

isn't gonna work out?

Because... I'm a terrible person

and he deserves better.
[Sobs]

I don't think
he loves me anymore.

You know, if you drink enough
wine, it tastes like love.

I'm gonna go to my room.

- Skinny bitch.
- Yeah? - Yeah? - Yeah?

I'm leaving in three minutes
so you better deal

with this emotional
crisis quickly.

I'll be in the car.

- I hate her.
- I love her.

[Phone rings]

Dollface?

Did you mean all those things

you said to me today?

- Which ones?
- All of them.

Yes, of course.

Do you hate me?

No.

- Do you like me?
- Maybe.

Can I take you to dinner?

Don't push it,
but call me later.

Yes!

On my quest
to figure out my feelings,

I was left only more confused.

If sex wouldn't
clarify anything,

was it worth the risk?

Honey?

I am sorry we got carried away
with all of that girl talk.

I did not mean
to embarrass you.

Don't worry,
it wasn't the first time.

And it won't be the last.

Mom, were you in love with
the other guys you slept with?

Guy. There was only one.

And I don't know if I was in
love with him.

We had sex before
I knew how I felt.

But with your dad, it just...

It all happened
at the same time.

Jenna, contrary to the advice

I've been giving Ally,
you need to know

that every first time
is the first time.

And it should be special.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, babe.

Pick me up in ten.

I'll bring the condoms.

Well, here we are.

Yep, here we are
in your mom's minivan

in a discrete location.

Call me crazy, but this feels
a little hinky.

Damn it, now you've ruined

my surprised hijacking
of your virginity.

Oh, right,
that's already been taken.

Touche. Okay, let's do this.

Hold on, hold on, you're
getting ahead of yourself.

[Van beeps]

- Moonlight romance.
- Ooh, swanky.

Necessary.

My sister's a big slob.

- Just trying to make it--
- Special?

Come here.

Uh, wait, wait.

Um... This just doesn't really
feel right.

I just am feeling
a little exposed.

You can leave your shirt on.

No. No, all of it.

I feel like you're doing this
to make me feel better

about the other night,
and you don't need to.

I said what I was feeling.

What I am feeling.

But I didn't say it so that you

would say it back
or sleep with me.

I said it because...

I can't hold it in anymore.

I don't wanna do this
unless you do.

Because if we do this and you
don't feel it back...

- Then I don't think that--
- That you can date me anymore?

No.

That I'd be able to get over
you, Jenna.

I just want this to mean
something to both of us.

And it would,
because I finally knew.

I was in love.

But I didn't wanna
say it in a minivan.

It'll be worth the wait.

I promise.

♪ No one like you ♪

♪ no one like you ♪

♪ no one like you ♪

♪ no ♪

♪ no ♪

♪ no ♪

Next on Awkward...

I can't have a wedding
without a basket!

Ally's lost half her body
weight along with her sanity.

Change of plans, dude,
I don't need a suit.

Good thing, 'cause
this might be cursed.

Last time I wore it
was to the formal.

When you got dissed by that
girl with that other guy?

Who was that anyway?

You really are the fool.

- Ask Matty.
- Go to hell.

You don't know?