Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - My Love Is a Black Heart - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

You think I'm trying
to lure you away from Jake?

Yes!

Matty's
been acting weird lately.

- Have you noticed?
- Truce. - Truce.

I had faith that Matty and I
had potential to be friends.

[Class bell rings]

[Upbeat pop music]

Love is a sham!

Jealousy always had a way

of bringing out the worst
in people.



Amy!
I gave you my heart,

my soul, my sweatshirt!

I gave her that sweatshirt.

- Bad breakup?
- 10.5 on the dick-ter scale.

Tony caught Amy with Levi
at his sister's quinceanera.

Ouch. Wasn't that party
over a month ago?

Clearly, the fact
that it was Valentine's Day

was giving Tony PTXD--

Post traumatic ex disorder.

I hate this holiday.

V-day had divided the school
into lovers and haters,

and I was a lover.

'Cause for the first time,
my dad wasn't my only Valentine.

I finally had no reason
to hate on hallmark



because I had
a perfect boyfriend.

There was nothing
to be jealous about.

I was gonna enjoy the day...

Love sucks!

As a human target.

Nice look.

I was the victim
of a love-hate crime.

The price you pay for PDA.

Anyway, I need some advice.

What makes the perfect date
for a Valentine?

So Jake had sent Matty over
to get some covert intel.

Well, someplace close is good.

Keep it local.
Got it.

And it's kind of a buzzkill
if you need a translator

- to read the menu.
- And not too fancy.

And very important--
The place should be quiet,

so you can talk.

I'd highly recommend Bisto's.

- What about flowers?
- Flowers are great.

But not carnations
or anything with baby's breath.

[Laughs]

- Does that smell like boobs?
- Gross.

Personally, I prefer tulips.

Hey, sorry I had
to kiss and run.

I left something for you
in my car.

What's up?

Nothing.
I gotta go.

- All right.
- Later.

So here's the something
that I forgot.

Oh!

You didn't have to.

- I've always loved...
- [Raspy] Love.

- Beetles?
- It's a love bug.

You know,
like a bug that brings...

Never mind.

[Titters]

So tonight...
[Giggles]

I was thinking, uh,
pick you up at about 7:00?

[Fades] Does that give you
enough time to get ready?

[Intensified giggle]

- I'm sorry.
- What? Why?

The bug.
It was an impulse buy.

I promise, tonight,
everything will be better.

It's adorable.
I love my bug.

[Locker shuts]

So Matty and that freshman--
Are they dating?

Dating? No.

He's about
to hook, line, and sink her.

Right.
Dating is so not Matty.

Which wasn't entirely true.

We had gone on a date.

Maybe he just didn't tell you?

Nah. He'd tell me.

Besides, Valentine's Day
is sappy,

and that kid does not do sappy.

I hate skanks.

And sentimentality.

Ugh, all this V-day crap
is making me nauseous.

You're such a scrooge.

Scrooge hated Christmas,
dip-hole.

I don't know what
you're so amped up about.

You're single.

And you're mean.
And single.

So tonight, I was thinking
we could kick off

our carbs-only movie marathon
with a classic love story--

In your honor--
Like mean girls.

As pathetic as that sounds,

I think
I'm just gonna stay home.

But it's tradition.

Maybe it's a heavy flow day.
I don't know.

I'm just feeling
especially bitchy today.

And how is that different
from every other day?

[Class bell rings]

He gave you a cockroach?

It's a love bug.

I swear, Valentine's is totally
racist against single people!

It's just a toy that he
probably got at the car wash.

Don't try
to climb into our love ghetto.

You know Jake is gonna
plan something fantasmic

for you tonight.

He probably commissioned
a portrait of you guys

made entirely out of skittles.

Who wants
to eat their own face?

Uh, I do.

But instead I'll be planted
in front of my DVR

doing shots of cyanide
with you.

Not this year.

I'm going to the BHP.

The black hearts party?

What is that?

Only the event
for the single and bitter!

What time are we rolling in?
It shouldn't be too early,

yet it shouldn't be too late
because it's a school night.

T, you might want
to skip this one.

Why? Who's more single
and bitter than me?

Well, besides Tony.

Trust me, you don't want to go.

- Trust me, I do.
- You can't!

Ricky's going to be there.

And he's in love.

I call shenanigans.

People are talking.

Let me tell you something
about Ricky Schwartz.

The only time
he uses the "L" word

is for burritos
and lesbian porn.

Besides, if he fell in love
that fast,

then I meant nothing to him,

and that is not possible.
Jenna, confirm.

This is what exes do.

They make up rumors
to get into your head,

to screw with you.
I'm right, right?

Right.

About Ricky.

But that rule doesn't apply
to all exes.

Matty and I don't play
head games.

Or did we?

Have you guys seen that girl
Matty's been hanging out with?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Do you think she's attractive?

- Yes.
- Yes.

I guess,
if you're into a lot of makeup.

What?
I'm just curious

as to what she's hiding
under all that.

Nobody likes
a green-eyed monster.

I'm not jealous.

My friends are allowed
to make new friends.

It's just that this new friend
doesn't really meet

my old friend's standards.

So the new friend is super rad?

No.

Then why do you seem
so jealous?

[Snickers] Just because
someone seems jealous

doesn't mean they are.

Actually, it probably does.

And I get it.

It is not fun to feel replaced.

Ironically, Val had become
a lot more insightful

since she left
the guidance office.

Don't feel threatened.

Your mom and I
were just being buds

when we went out for
a girls night last week.

You hung out with my mom?

Really, Jenna,

it was just dinner
between two friends.

But the feelings you're having
are normal.

Don't you worry.

I will never put you
in the backseat.

As far as I'm concerned,
you got permanent shotgun.

Great.

One more thing.

[Candy scrapes across table]

Sorry.

That's not for you.

Saving that for Alok.

Lost a little bit of the "K."

But we french kiss,
so he won't mind.

This one is for you.

You'll always be

my BFF--

Stands forever.

So I made the usual
reservation at the Red Onion

for our Valentine's dinner.

Hate to break it to you,
but I have a real date tonight.

Oh, actually it doesn't look

like you hated breaking that
to me at all.

Bet mom's not doing anything
tonight.

Take her out and finally have
a Valentine's dinner

without your annoying kid
tagging along.

Not this year, kiddo.

[Laughs]

What a surprise!

I didn't know
you were picking Jenna up today.

It's a little hard
to keep track of everything

with so much on my plate.

Like what?

Like all of my events
with all of my new friends.

The old friend bit.

She was posturing.

How about you?

Nope.
Not much to tell.

Except that
our daughter's home safe...

And I'm gonna go.

Happy Valentine's Day, Lace.

You too!

Lots to do?
Like what?

Hang out with
my old guidance counselor?

You know what?

I bet there's a good
Lifetime marathon on tonight.

So why don't you watch that

and give me the play-by-play
when I get home from my date?

Or you can catch the end with
me when you're home by 10:00.

I'm sorry I didn't open
the door for you.

This whole curfew thing

is really throwing off
my timetable for the night.

I just really want everything
to be perfect.

And it already is.

Starting with
the great restaurant.

Thanks to my suggestion.

Thought you'd like it.

Good food, not too noisy,
so we can, uh--

- Talk?
- Exactly.

- Rosati for two.
- Yeah.

I've got the perfect table.

[Romantic music]

♪ ♪

The maitre D' was wrong.

And so was Jake.

Not only was Matty dating,

he was on my date.

Wow! This is a...

- A coincidence.
- Or a total setup.

I could smell a rat.

Or was it the scent
of a cheap, freshman Barbie?

Is there a problem?

I requested a window table.

Unfortunately,
we are booked solid.

I guess we're sitting.
[Titters]

[Mellow pop music]

♪ ♪

Hey, you guys haven't met.
Courtney. Jake.

- Hi. - Hi.
- And this is...

The girl he deflowered
at summer camp.

Jenna.

Nice to meet you guys.

Matty, this place
is so romantic.

Ooh.

Good thing your ass is small.
You almost stained my skirt.

Yeah, good thing.

And good thing
I dumped her date,

or her ass would have been
firmly planted on her couch.

- Alone.
- I'm really sorry.

I was hoping for something
a little more private.

It's fine.

Because we were mature.

Well, most of us.

I can talk to the host again.

Let's just focus on us.

We won't even know
they're here.

Are you gonna use
that extra napkin?

- Thanks.
- Mm.

[Electronic music]

♪ ♪

Tell me this.

If Ricky's so in love,

why is he at a singles party?

The mafia is never wrong.

[Gasps] Quick,
act cross-faded.

[Laughter]

Hey, Ming.
Tamara. 'Sup?

[Laughs]

Did you see that?

He just breezed on by
like I was invisible.

No, he saw you.
He said your name.

Exactly. My name,
not "beautiful" or "babe."

He is absolutely fucking
with me, but the joke is on him

because I don't care.

Now help me find someone
to dry hump.

[Mellow pop music]

♪ ♪

Are you sure you don't want
to send it back?

I can just eat around them.

Oh, not a good idea.

Here, give them to me.
Yeah.

Oh, little chicken there.

She's allergic.

You're allergic?

A little.

I've mentioned it before.

Yeah, she has.

Otherwise, how would I know?

You gotta try this.

Mmm.
[Laughter]

Look, let me get you
something else.

- Waiter?
- No, no, no.

I'm fine with breadsticks.

See?
Ahh.

Oh, uh, you know what?
I'll take one.

Jake, no, no, no, don't worry,
I don't want one.

- I want to.
- It's such a waste.

- Una rosa, por favor.
- [Gasps, squeals]

Actually,
they are really pretty.

First tulips and now this?

Do you want me
to chase her down?

I can do that.

Bizatch.

Not only had she crashed
my perfect date,

but she'd also snaked
my perfect flowers,

which I suddenly realized were
glaringly absent from my night.

Yeah, the ziti's pretty good,

but I gotta be honest,
not as good as mine.

- You cook?
- [Chuckles]

- That's hilarious.
- Excuse me?

You can't even cook
a pop-tart, bro.

Uh, who made that amazing
french toast last weekend?

- Your mom.
- After I set her up.

[Laughs] That's ridiculous.

[Laughs]

- Have you ever used a whisk?
- Isn't he cute?

I can't believe I'm on a date
with Matty McKibben!

Either way,
it doesn't matter--

And neither could I.

Normally,
eyeliner's really fem,

but yours makes me feel
emo-sexual.

[Scoffs] Whatever, Twilight.

Choose a gender.

Can you believe that guy?

Holy photo op.

I just realized this
is your first red cup!

Or black cup.
Whatever.

We need to tweet this asap.

Hey, can you pixelize us?

All right.

Say, "love sucks."

- Love sucks.
- Love sucks.

Ricky Schwartz at 10:00.

I need some lips to smack stat.

She's always like that.

I've suggested
electroconvulsive therapy but...

I'll just take that back now.

No, the spaz is right.

This moment needs
to be immortalized.

I'm Fred Wu, by the way.

Ming.

Well, Ming-just-Ming...

- [Laughs]
- Smile.

- Butta teeth.
- Butta teeth?

Everything looked good
but the teeth.

I am totally shooting
in the dark here.

Where are the damn lights?

[Music stops, all groaning]

Nobody move.

[Music resumes]

Anish Bhatia by the door.
Easy target.

No, they had no defense, Jake!

But offense is what gets you
in the playoffs.

- Okay, come here.
- It's-- okay.

See...
This is your offense.

Nothing, little--
They're n-nothing.

That doesn't
even make any--

Hey, I'm sorry.

Going on about some stupid game

when I have the real prize
right here.

It was sweet.
We were sweet.

And suddenly, it didn't matter
that my night had been hijacked.

I had Jake, who would hold
my hand in public.

Courtney was never gonna
get that from Matty.

Okay, so maybe not never.

Oh!
Oh.

Oh.

But he was still hiding her.

Right out in the open.

Matty wasn't hiding
his feelings.

Waiter, we need some ice.

He was flaunting them,

and I was totally jealous.

Aw, it's already starting
to swell.

Yeah, that sounded
like that really hurt.

It's fine,
just give me a minute.

Well, I'm gonna get some ice.

T, you were so right.

I'm no more evolved with Matty
than you are with Ricky.

He's here on my date
with his own date,

and I just don't know
what to say.

I put some ice in a napkin.

Sorry if there's
some Diet Coke on it.

- Thanks.
- No, no, thank you...

For all the pointers.

Courtney seems like
she's having a good time, right?

Suddenly, it all made sense.

The restaurant, the tulips,
the public display

of digital connection.

Matty was trying
to make me jealous.

I just, um--

I just didn't want
to screw things up with her

like I did with you.

Hey, you okay?

Only time would tell.

[Dance music]

[Sighs] What am I doing?

I have spent my whole night
trying to out-douche a douche

who isn't even here anymore.

Jealousy is not
a good color on me.

And neither is red on you.

[Sighs] Red?

You've got full-on beer blush
happening.

Wait.

What else is happening?

Am I fucking-blocking?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, wrap it up.

I gotta pee,
and then we're outty 5,000.

Oh, gotta pee.
Excuse me, sorry.

Really gotta pee
okay, excuse me.

Look, I get that
what's going on in there

doesn't involve the kind
of bodily functions

we all need to perform,

but that's what cars
are made for.

Seriously, I drank two bitter
pills and three bloody cupids,

and I need to pee!

Ricky?

[Liquid hitting floor]

[Laughs]

Ming!
Car, now!

- It was fun.
- [Laughs] Be honest.

On a scale of one to ten,

I figure I'm batting
about a negative 60 right now?

Stop it.

It's for me.

From my dad.

[Chuckles]

Guy's got crap taste.

Tonight was amazing.

And these flowers--

What are they?

Calla lilies.

Strong but beautiful.

They reminded me of you.

So much better than tulips.

Tulips?

Tulips.
[Laughs]

Should I have gotten you
tulips?

How many more ways
can I screw up this day?

The real question was,
how many ways could I?

I almost let my jealousy
ruin the night

'cause Jake never asked Matty to
get intel about what I wanted.

He didn't have to.
He just knew.

- You didn't screw up anything.
- No, I did.

I've been a nervous wreck
all day

and botching everything
because...

- This was the best date ever.
- I love you, Jenna.

What?

I love you.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Awesome.

Yeah.

Um...

Happy Valentine's Day.

You're late.

And don't even bother showing me
what he gave you.

I don't want to see it.

I could have
and maybe should have

rubbed my V-day booty

in my mother's face,
but I wasn't heartless.

Actually, this was
at the door for you.

It's from dad.

Really?

Good night, mom.

[Laid-back rock music]

♪ ♪

What is it?

A beetle.

[Raspy] Love.

[Crying]

- Jenna.
- T, what are you--

Ricky's in love...
with Sadie.

Am I really so hideous that

- he'd choose Darth Hater over me?
- What?

Screw Ricky Schwartz.

But Ricky is--

No buts.
You're amazing.

If he wants to be with Sadie,
let him.

They deserve each other.

It's just really hard
when someone you care about

moves on before you do.

It was.

I had moved on with Jake,

so why shouldn't Matty
move on too?

What if nobody ever loves me?

Hey, I love you.

Yeah, but nobody good loves me.

[Laughter]

T, why are you wearing
my pants?

I peed in mine.

[Laughter]