Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

You've been so saran-wrapped
around Jake,

you can't even see it.

I'm not clingy.
Matty is.

- Nice job, McKibben.
- What?

You were totally
sabotaging them.

Your dad left today.

It's not just for a few days,
is it?

No.

Post my parents' separation,

I'd spent a lot of time
playing the blame game.



And nine times out of ten,

the onus of their split
landed on me.

I regretted ever saying anything
about the letter,

and I was consumed with guilt.

So I was willing
to be with anyone

and do anything to avoid feeling
like a bad person.

[Organ playing]

My mom was also looking
for redemption.

And while our relationship
was still on shaky ground,

she needed
a little hand-holding,

willing or otherwise.

She wasn't good at being alone.

Not that she excelled
at being in public either.

Everyone, please open
your bibles to Psalm 46.



Oh, no, thank you.

I think we're
supposed to put money in.

At least there was
one saving grace

to getting up early
on a Sunday.

[Upbeat music]

This was enlightening,
but let's go

before the welcome committee
takes us hostage.

I probably should have tried
to save my mom,

but sometimes,
you just have to save yourself.

Check.

Check.

Double check.

Jenna!

[Gasps] You have to come
to the retreat.

On Saturday night, there's
a "Saints and Sinners" party

that we secretly call
"haloed bros and biblical hos."

And then on the Sunday,
Jesus forgives all your sins,

and there's a taco party!

- So you going to come?
- Hmm.

What would Jenna do?

I'm thinking about it.
[Gasps]

And I was.

Since my home no longer
felt like a safe haven,

I was open to exploring gods.

Maybe it was going
to be a new day.

[Gasps] Pastor Don!
This is Jenna.

She's the girl
we've been praying for.

Remember? The harlot
who stole my boyfriend.

[Ominous music]

Scratch that.
It was judgment day.

You're going to church camp?
With Dim Sum?

It's a retreat,
which I could really use,

given all the chaos
going on with my parents.

I think I need a little
spiritual guidance right now.

Well, if they tell you
to drink the kool-aid

- and take a nap, don't.
- It's a church, not a cult.

If you want a retreat,
why not just hole up with me?

I'm grounded for the weekend, so
we can do blah-di-na together.

Thanks, but I really need
to clear my head.

What I'm going through
can't be fixed

by stuffing my face
in a rom-com-athon.

And why are you grounded?

'Cause Ricky Schwartz got me
suspended and ruined my life!

Suspension.
Nice.

I like punishment.

Hey, Kyle.
How's your band?

Jenna lives?
We broke up.

Started getting
too much attention

from the mainstream, you know,

like jocks, class presidents,
that type.

I didn't want to be a sellout.

Are you talking about Jenna?

No.

He was totally talking
about you.

I knew he was a stalker.

"Take it outside"?

Where have I heard that before?

Apparently,
I wasn't the only one

who had lost faith in myself.

My stalker had too.

Maybe it was time
for a little divine...

Intervention?

Why do I need an intervention?

Because your "holier
than thou" bit is getting old.

I'm losing patience.

Isn't forgiveness
Jesus's whole deal?

I mean, he didn't judge that
hooker with the burning bush.

Sadie, you made me
do evil things,

and now JC is mad at me.

That's why he took Jake away.

No.
Jenna took Jake away.

And she's repenting,

which is more
than I can say for you.

Jenna's going to my church

and probably coming
to my retreat this weekend.

- Of her own volition?
- Yeah.

I think we're finally
going to be friends.

Maybe even best friends.

Got a minute?
[Gasps, sighs]

I actually have
another appointment,

but, ugh, that kid's
a total snooze.

So, yeah, have a seat.
What's going on?

I've been having
a hard time lately.

Are you off your meds?

I was never on them.

I'm depressed

because my parents
are separated.

- Your dad's single?
- What?

That must be hard for you.

I mean, considering
how attractive he is.

Oh, now you're going
to have to compete

with other girls
for his attention.

Do you think
he likes them young,

or is he into ladies...
his own age?

I don't know, and I don't care.

What I want is for my parents
to get back together.

I feel like their breakup
is my fault,

and it makes me
question who I am.

Internal reflection is good,
helps us mature.

Which is why I'm going
on a church retreat.

With Bible-thumpers?

I think putting my worry
into a higher power

will bring me some comfort,
you know?

J., do not be seduced
by the doughnuts.

It's not about the doughnuts.

It was kind of
about the doughnuts.

Listen, when I was your age,
I got mixed up with a group

of "good kids" too.

Lured me in
with the sugary, fried treats,

made me feel accepted,
and then, slowly but surely,

I started judging anyone
who drank coke

and didn't wear bloomers.

It's a slippery slope, J.

Religion is all about preying
on the weak,

and you, my friend--

You're an easy target.

While I wasn't convinced

that religion was
about exploiting the weak,

in my vulnerable state,
I couldn't take the risk.

I'd have to find another way
to soothe my soul.

And if I wasn't going
to lean on Jesus,

I'd lean on Jake.

Dude, she was just
checking you out.

Yeah, so?

So she's hot, right?

Dude, you gotta get
out of this funk.

I will, I just need some time.

Please don't talk
about that girl again.

- Hey.
- Let's just drop it.

Oh, hey, babe.

Matty needs a cool girl's
point of view on something.

- Nah, I don't.
- He does.

He's been totally fixating
on some lame girl.

- I didn't say she was lame.
- No, I did.

If Matty was going to fixate
on a new girl,

I'm glad Jake thought
she was lame.

They've been flirting
and hooking up,

and now she's totally
dissing him.

To be fair,
been non-committal.

Matty was up to his old tricks.

And while I didn't want
to hear the details,

it was nice to know
it wasn't about me.

She's been leading him on
since the summer.

So it was about me.

And then she ditched him
over break for some other dude.

She's a bitch.

I didn't say she was a bitch.

Will you stop defending her?

Two minutes ago, you said
you felt betrayed.

Tell him.
She's a bitch, right?

She's a bitch.

And a relationship assassin.

Not only had I split up
my parents,

but I'd come precariously close
to ending a friendship.

Jake's judgment had only further
cemented my first instinct.

I was a bad person,
and I needed to redeem myself.

I got the answer
to all your problems.

A double date this weekend.
I'm going to fix you up.

I can't.
I'm going to church camp.

[Upbeat music]

Are you sure you want
to do this?

- Yes.
- But you don't know anybody.

You're going to be alone.
You are not good at being alone.

No, mom, that would be you.

The retreat was exactly what
I needed to clear my conscience.

People weren't judgey,
they were handsy.

Ooh.

And considering all the action
I was getting on the bus,

there was a solid chance

I would find comfort
being embraced

by a community of loving,
affectionate--

haters.

Ho-bags are relegated
to the back of the bus.

All: Let's go, Jesus,
let's go!

T, Sadie's here.

I need you to steal
your mom's car

- and come rescue me.
- I'm on lockdown, remember?

- Can you call your mom?
- She's not picking up.

I came here for peace of mind,

and that's the last thing
I'm going to get

with that bitch by my bunk.
[Gasps]

Do you think Kyle
drives a Prius?

Kyle?
I-I don't know.

So he could drive a Prius.

I'm lost.
What are we talking about?

Remember his shirt?
"Take it outside"?

I realized where I know
that from-- my mouth.

That's what I said
to Ricky Schwartz

when I pulled my freak-a-deak
at the assembly.

Kyle's moved on
from stalking you

to stalking me!

T., hold on a second.

Continue.

Under normal circumstances,
I'd be into having a creeper.

But I went on Kyle's page,
and under interests,

he has "take it outside"
as a club.

He started a club, Jenna.

Okay, the Kyle sitch
definitely warrants attention,

but if I don't get
out of here soon,

I'm going to have
to man vs. Wild it.

I'd rather brave the elements

than spend 48 hours
with Satan Saxton.

Call me if you have any
brainstorms on how to escape.

Gotta go.

[Alternative music]

Hey, come look at something.

- What?
- This.

Stay away from Lissa.

She's not your friend.

- She's mine.
- Jenna!

You're saved.

- Where am I sleeping?
- On the floor.

Sadie, you're being
un-Christian.

God, what do you want from me?
I'm here, aren't I?

Physically you're here,

but spiritually,
you're, like, in Canada.

Apologize.

- Sorry.
- Sadie will share her bunk.

- I'll sleep on the floor.
- You don't want to do that.

- There are mice and spiders.
- And it still reeks of vomit

from last year's camp-wide
food poisoning.

Not a good year
for the taco party.

- Looking for TP?
- No, I'm looking for a ride.

- You can't go home yet.
- Sadie Saxton is in my cabin.

Oh, well,
you know what they say.

"What doesn't kill you
only makes you stronger."

I wouldn't put it past her
to smother me in my sleep.

Don't let Sadie
spoil the retreat.

She could've ruined
my experience,

- but I didn't let her.
- What did she do to you?

She outed me.

Last year no one knew
I was gay.

I think we all knew.

Come on.
Toned it down a bit.

Except for the backpack.

Girl's gotta have some pink.

So you believe in being
a glutton for punishment.

- I don't.
- No.

I believe in respect
and tolerance.

To me, that's what christianity
is all about.

But this place only teaches
Adam and Eve,

not Adam and Steve.

I'm not totally sold

on the whole
"Jesus being straight" thing--

All that time in the desert

with 12 dudes and no women.

That's blasphemy.

Just saying.

Clark, I really need
to get out of here.

This whole thing was
an impulse decision.

I only came here
because I was feeling

really crappy about myself,
and I was desperate

for something to make me
feel better, but this ain't it.

No one is going to make you
have a bad experience

unless you let them.
Stay.

Don't be a pussy.

Are you on the payroll?

I should be.

[Cell phone rings]

Okay.

I'm in,
but I'm going to need a cot.

[Beep]
Sorry I missed your call,

honey, I was blasting the radio
and didn't hear my phone.

I just need the address,
and I'll pick you up.

It doesn't matter what time.

I put my cell on loud,

and I'm just going to keep
looking at it until you call.

A glass of wine?

Oh, no, I'm--
I won't be here long.

I'm getting something to go.

- Someone sent it over.
- Jenna's mom!

Jenna's counselor.

Counselor/vice principal.

I'm kind of doing both jobs
right now

till we find a replacement.

What are you doing,
the old shame grab-and-go?

[Laughs]
There's no shame in it.

I'm alone for the weekend.

Oh, I heard.

Jenna's dad left you
high and dry, huh?

No, we're just taking a break,

but it's an adjustment.

It's been a while
since I've been on my own.

Well, why not eat here?

Nah, I don't need
all the stares.

Oh, I get it.

I get it.
You're afraid.

I'm not. I just don't
like to eat alone in public.

Personally,
I find it empowering.

Sometimes I like to pretend
I'm a flight attendant

on a layover,
and I only have a few hours

before I hop on my red-eye
to Barcelona.

Take a sip.
I dare ya.

Or you can pound it.

Ooh.

[Upbeat religious music]

Where's your costume, Jenna?

Oh, she is the serpent
who tempted Adam and Eve

and ruined paradise.

Like I said,
where's the costume?

What are you?
Saint or sinner?

I'm a pregnant woman
who claims she's a virgin, so...

Decide for yourself.

This is not what I expected.

I thought the retreat would be
all about trust falls

- and worship.
- How's that for a trust fall?

Oh!

I know it'll be hard,
but by the end of this dance,

you're going to have to...

- Stop worshipping me.
- You left me 20 messages.

Oh, don't try to change
the subject.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Could be.
I don't know you.

I know you know I coined
"take it outside."

Everyone at school does.

I said it when I publicly
hated-berated Ricky Schwartz.

Who?

If you want to play dumb,

could you at least have
the decency

to make the shirts in a color

that would highlight
my undertones?

Which, for future ref,
would be purple or teal.

Quitting Skype.

I'm ordering you to cease
and desist.

And until you do,
I want a cut of those shirts!

[Scoffs] What the hell?

[Dance music]

Oh, crap,
I forgot I have dining duty.

No! Remember the last time
you left me alone with Eve?

- Things got messy.
- You'll be fine.

Share circle!
[Cheering]

What's share circle?

[Ominous music]

But after my third time
in rehab,

I finally traded drugs
for Jesus.

Let us pray
with the laying of hands.

I made a lot of mistakes
this year.

After some bad advice
from a friend,

I broke my purity pledge...
with my hands.

I gave my ex countless
rub-and-tugs.

Actually, I did count.
It was 47.

I wasn't sure
what was more disturbing.

Lissa going into graphic detail
about handies

or hearing that my boyfriend was
on the other end of her hand.

I don't think hand love
is a sin.

Well, you may not
personally think so,

but corinthians says
that all the stuff

leading up to sex should
only happen inside marriage.

Corinthians got married at 12.

God will forgive you
if you forgive your friend.

Let us--
Wait.

Are you a righty or a lefty?

Righty.

Thanks.

It's a lot to overcome,
but I'm on my path.

There was no doubt
the share circle was cathartic

for those willing to bare all,
and for once,

it was nice to be
out of the spotlight.

Speaking of overcoming,

Jenna, how did you overcome
your suicide attempt?

I didn't try to commit suicide.

It was an accident and a rumor.

Come on, Jenna,
you're among friends.

If you ask God for forgiveness,

you'll be forgiven.

There is no shame
in confessing.

I don't have anything
to confess.

Uh-oh. [Giggles]
Isn't lying a sin too?

This is serious.

You have to ask for forgiveness,
or you'll go to hell.

Eternal lake of fire...
[Raspy] Hell.

She didn't commit suicide;
She just attempted it.

Then I guess
she's going to purgatory.

Didn't they get rid
of purgatory, or was that limbo?

She can't go to limbo.
That's for unbaptized babies.

That is perfect for Jenna.

She was an accident.

Instead of being redeemed,
I was crucified.

And I couldn't wait three days
for my resurrection.

I love Satan.
[Gasps]

I love Satan!
I love...

- Seitan.
- Oh.

- It's like tofu.
- Mmm.

It's like food, but not.

Mm-hmm.

Would you like another glass
of wine?

Mm.
[Snaps fingers]

- Whoo!
- Yes... I would.

Do you two want to share
a table?

Both: No.

I'm eating alone.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So another trick
to the "eating alone" trade...

- Mm-hmm.
- Is about the reading material.

Sure, you look cool

reading Hemingway...
[Scoffs]

But it is impossible to hold

a book and eat
at the same time,

so I like to dine
with my parents.

[Laughter]
Will there be anything else?

[Gasps]
I will have a cappuccino.

Both: Ooh!

The student has surpassed
the teacher.

I, sir, will have one too.

I did it!
I had dinner alone!

[Sighs] I'm going to be okay.

You know, I never thought
that I could be by myself,

but being here...

- With you...
- Oh.

Alone, I proved it.

God, I'm good on my own.

You are.

In fact, you are so good

that you won't even flinch
if a friend

or an acquaintance
starts dating your husband.

[Laughs]

Jenna?

I'm so sorry that you got put
in the hot seat.

For what it's worth, I don't
think you're going to hell.

Unless you really love Satan.

You're a really good person.

- I am?
- Yes.

If the roles had been reversed
with the whole Jake sitch,

I don't know if I'd have been
as easily forgiving.

We all make mistakes,

but God gives us the opportunity
to learn from them.

Forgiving other people

is the easy part
of the process.

It's learning how to forgive
ourselves that's hard.

It was true.

Lissa was far wiser
than people knew.

I better get back to
share circle and explain things.

Because if people have different
interpretations of the Bible,

christianity
will never survive.

[Laughter]

[Car horn honks]

[Alternative music]

You good?

- Yep.
- Me too.

I'm a total pro
at rolling solo.

In fact,
I'm going to go watch TV...

alone... and enjoy it.

See, that right there is what
they don't teach you in church.

It's called...

evolution.

And like my mom,
I had somehow evolved too.

While I had been seeking
absolution from a higher power,

what I really needed
was to absolve myself.

For the first time
since my parents' split,

I didn't feel so alone.

[Computer tone]

[Computer tone]

So, camp wasn't all bad?

And it wasn't all good,
but I was reminded of something

I hadn't realized was missing
from my life.

Compassion.

Congratulations.

But I'm not
as enlightened as you.

If you and your psycho friends
want to worship me,

then you might as well have
some decent pictures

and accurate info.

Whoa.
You need to take it outside.

Don't tell me
to take it outside.

That's my job.

- Take this.
- I don't get it.

It's pertinent information
for your "club."

Everything from my current
Facebook interests

all the way back
to my fifth grade MySpace page.

Take it outside
is for lonely kids

who spend too much time
on their computers.

You should join.

[Quirky music]

- We can be friends.
- Really?

This weekend, I realized Jesus
put you in my life as a test.

And while his class
is totally hard,

and there are no cliff notes,

and in real life, I've never
gotten above a B-minus,

I'm determined
to get an "A."

Whatever works for you.
Anyway, you should know that,

while you were
in couples counseling with JC,

Amy snaked your spot
in the pyramid.

I'll pray on it.

Right after I take
that skank down.

H-hi.

Uh, how was your weekend?

Cathartic.

- Yours?
- Not.

I am sorry about Friday.

I wasn't railing
on you to Jake.

I don't think you're lame
or a bitch,

and I've just been
feeling like crap

thinking that
you think I think that.

Did that even make sense?

I guess we both
had been going through

our own crisis of conscience.

You don't need to apologize.

Things have been weird...
for both of us.

Truce?

Truce.

I wasn't
the only thing evolving.

My relationship
with Matty was too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I had faith that Matty and I
had the potential

to be friends.

[Alternative music]

In the very distant future.

Next on Awkward...

I need some advice.

What makes a perfect date
for a Valentine?

Matty and that freshman--
Are they dating?

Dating?
No.

Have you guys seen that girl
Matty's been hanging out with?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Do you think she's attractive?

- Yes.
- Yes.

My friends are allowed
to make new friends.

It's just that this new friend
doesn't really

meet my old friend's standards.

Then why do you seem
so jealous?

I'm not jealous!