Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Adventures of Aunt Ally and the Lil' Bitch - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

You could disappear
and no one would notice.

A friend?

You can sleep with me in private
but you can't talk to me in public?

The reason that I keep bringing up
our kiss is because...

I like like you.

And for the first time,
I got the attention I was looking for.

That some fresh squeezed lemonade
for you girls.

We're 15 years.
And my mother ****

was *****.

She was all about
crossing inappropriate boundaries.



So the fact that she was finally
acting appropriate felt suspicious.

Something was definitely up.

I forgot the cupcakes.

Cupcakes?
What the hell is going on with your mom?

- You think she has cancer?
- Maybe.

It was 95 degrees in November.

And there was a funk
in the air.

Maybe an earthquake
was about to hit.

Unfortunately, it was
another natural disaster--

my mom's BFF Ally.

What's up, lil' bitch?

Oh...

I would have preferred
the earthquake.

When were you going to tell me
Ally was coming to visit?



Oh, I didn't tell you?

My suspicions were correct.

My mom was buttering me up
to cushion the blow.

Man, did Ally blow... hard.

- You gonna say hi or what?
- What.

Hi, Ally. What have you
been doing lately?

I don't know, a little "E,"
special "K."

Basically whatever
I can get my hands on.

Ooh!

Or whatever can get
its hands on me.

Hi.

Ah...
So talk to me, ladies.

Now that buzzkill's
out of town,

what's the plan
for this weekend

in suburban hell?

Is buzzkill your dad?

I desperately need
an ally injection.

And your kid needs a makeover.

I'd try to kill myself too
if I looked like that.

Kid gloves, al.

It's still a sensitive subject.

- Gotcha.
- Gotcha.

I am the queen
of treading lightly.

This was coming from a woman
who had simply referred to me

as "lil' bitch"
since the day I was born.

Don't worry, lil' bitch,

I know how we can fix
your pity party.

We're gonna throw
a kickass kegger

and shake things up
around here!

- Yes!
- No way!

There is no way
we are having a party.

Think about the red cup
photo ops!

You don't understand.

Ally is like a hurricane
of trouble.

Every time she comes to town,
I end up at child services.

You like ponies, lil' bitch?

Cool. We're gonna bet
on some.

Want to see something cool?

I just turned this apple
into a pipe.

Oh!

Robert and I were
just on the couch

playing sit & spin.

Okay, no party, but what about
a simple kickback?

10, maybe 12 peeps?

With Ally, there is
no such thing as simple.

Hey.

Why am I always
the last to know?

- Know what?
- That you're having a party.

Where did you hear that?

It's on your status update,
and I can read.

I'll call you back.

Mom!

Mom, are you logged in
to my home page?

- Mm-hmm.
- Log out.

Now!

As your mother,
it is my responsibility

to monitor your
Internet activity...

And make sure she's not
chatting up any barneys.

Wait, what's a barney?

I don't know and I don't care.

- We are not having a party.
- Jenna,

stop being so ungrateful!

Your aunt Ally is being
very generous and open with you.

The only think open
about Ally were her legs.

Ally is not my aunt,
and while I appreciate

the gesture of her gift,
I don't want it.

So I will not be attending

or participating.

I don't want anything to do
with this party.

Hey.

J-town! Hey, I got
the invite for your party.

What time should I be there?

His name is Ricky Schwartz.

- He's a Barney.
- He's just not photogenic.

9:00-ish.

Do you guys have any good
beer, or should I bring some?

Nah, we got that covered.

But what's your fave?

- Uh...German.
- Me too.

See you at 9:00.

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll help out
with this party,

under one condition--

we have to get German beer.

Finally one of my friends
throws a party,

and I'm on house arrest.

We'll give you
the play by play tomorrow.

If you leave your ichat on,

I can be your virtual
party police

and monitor any nastiness

that might occur
in your bedroom.

Yes! You can totally
heat off any sexcretions

that might hit Jenna's bed.

God forbid we have to crash
on that shiznet.

Ricky Schwartz.
Ricky Schwartz!

- Hello?
- Hello, beautiful.

Don't "beautiful" me.

I can't help it.
You're beautiful.

So, hey, is it cool if I bring
my crew to your bestie's party?

Are they cute?

- They're in the band.
- Oh.

Okay, well, no kiki.

Is my muffin jealous?

No. We just want this
to be a clean party.

And she's a dirty girl.

I know you digitized her.

Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, little lady.

These hands do not roam.

I've got mine reserved for you.

- See you soon?
- Or later.

I'm co-hosting.
Ciao.

Everyone who's everyone
is coming!

Okay, are you ready
to make an entrance?

'Cause you're crossing over
a new boundary.

You're not just
a party-goer,

you are now a party giver!

If my party is
epically awesome,

maybe Matty will finally
see me as girlfriend material.

Maybe it's not too late
to tell Matty not to come.

Yeah, it finally cooled off.

Have a drink
and get ready to be

the hostesses
with the mostesses.

Oh, no, kev,
we're not doing much.

We're about to go to bed.

Oh, is it that early?

What's up with the long faces?

Looks like a Sarah Jessica
Parker convention in here.

To have a party,
we sort of need people.

God, you guys are so new.

This is a good sign.

This means that the people
that are coming are cool,

and they know the protocol.

No one worth toking with
shows up before 10:00.

Ever.

Ugh, lil' bitch,

you can't host a rager
looking like that.

Do-over. Now.

All right...
We're gonna tape your girls up.

And give the boys
something to talk about.

All right, pull, pull, pull...

And then bite. Bite it!
Bite it hard.

Bite it. You got it?
Okay.

And up! Boom.

Wow! Totally gives the
illusion she's got a bod!

And now that you have cleavage,

I have a dress you can wear.

I'm nervous.

Pop this.

But I've already had
two drinks.

Don't be a wuss.
It's a beta blocker.

It'll just calm you down.

Got any tips for me?

We don't have enough time.

♪ Come on and get it ♪

♪ come on and get it ♪

♪ put it in your face
and you won't regret it ♪

♪ you know you love it ♪

♪ you know you're not
above it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ come on and get it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm too excited ♪

♪ come on and get it ♪

♪ Put it in your face
and you won't regret it ♪

♪ you know you love it ♪

♪ you know
you're not above it ♪

♪ ♪

Was it possible that my mother
let a guy sleep in my bed?

Dumb question.
Of course it was.

Fun party, lil' bitch.

Get a little drink in you
and the girl goes wild.

What do you mean by wild?

When you took that kid out
with your tongue...

I didn't know
you had it in you.

Funny thing about
getting drunk? Nothing.

For six hours,
I was walking and talking,

and the memory was
nonexistent in my brain.

I was spiral city
in every sense.

Tamara wasn't answering
her phone,

so I needed
a cyber-forensic asap.

Because according to Ally,
I'd gotten some action.

And apparently,
so did my home page.

Leave a message.

T, it's me...Again.

I really need to download.
Call me back.

Get off your computer now.

We have got five hours
until your dad gets home.

Ugh.

So, um...
This guy I made out with,

- was his name Matty?
- I don't remember his name.

Anything you do remember?

Mm...
He had on green sneaks.

It was possible that
Matty had green shoes,

but green seemed
more Jake's color.

Hey, no more smoking
in my house.

Why is mom so pissed?

She's never been one
to handle a hangover.

And I think we sort of
had a fight last night.

What'd you do?

It was just a misunderstanding.

Don't worry about it.

I couldn't worry.

I was already maxed out
on that emotion.

What does that look like
to you?

Boobs.

They're the dork's.

Come on, show me your boobs.

- I can't do that.
- But you want to.

How do I know you're gonna
keep your hands to yourself?

Where's the fun in that?

Ricky...

Whoo. Just put your tits
behind the glass

and be done with it.

Oh, yeah, put 'em on the glass.

Put 'em on the glass.

Put 'em on the glass.
Put 'em on the glass.

Put 'em on the glass.

Oh, t, you are
officially cut off.

Is something wrong
with my boobs?

- No.
- Then why did Ricky walk away?

He's probably trying
to hide his boner.

He looked upset.
Boners don't make you upset.

Go talk to him.
Tell him I'm wasted.

No kidding.

Tell him I'm wasted
wasted.

But keep your eyes
above the belt

'cause if he's sporting wood,
I wanna be the first to see.

I got your back.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay...

What's going on out here?

Oh, just watching
the show. Yeah.

What show?

You.

Guess what I am doing.

Wiping your boob smudge
off the glass.

And I think I pdaed with Matty.

Did you see it?
Call me.

Whoa, whoa.
Party foul 101--

just flip over the cushion.

Or...I could sit on it
to cover it up.

But see, now there's a problem.

You can never leave the couch.

Jake...

You are one of the nicest people
I've ever known.

How come you're so nice?

You're like a puppy.

I don't think
that's a compliment.

It is, because...

I love puppies.

Everyone loves puppies.

T, I'm wigging out.
I just had partial recall.

I'm not sure
I got down with Matty

because I think
it might have been Jake.

Please confirm or deny.
I'm losing it.

What's your deal?

I'm getting frostbite
from your cold shoulder.

You really crossed a line.

I cannot believe that
you gave my daughter drugs!

Relax, they're prescription.

It's not like I passed her
a crack pipe.

She's 15!

Oh, don't go all martyr on me.

We were doing way worse
at her age.

Yeah, and look where
that got me.

Ever think that I didn't
want my daughter

to make my mistakes?

She's fine.
Stop overreacting.

You know--

Jenna! Door!

You need to grow up.

And put on some clothes.

Welcome.

Hi.

- Bad timing?
- Not at all.

I was just about to
put my head in the oven.

I just wanted to
give this back to you.

Why do you have my dad's shirt?

You loaned it to me...

After you puked on mine?

- I what?
- You don't remember?

Do you remember what you did
before you puked?

Did I--give you a kiss?

No. No,
you gave me a lecture.

Good God, I'm sorry.

No, no, don't be.
Look, you were right.

I never should have kissed you
after detention.

It was a crappy thing to do
considering I have a girlfriend.

Think you can forget about it?

Forgetting things
was not my problem.

Already forgotten.

Good. Good.
So you're good.

And I'm good
and we're good and, uh...

Just friends.

Oh, have you seen
a Stanford hat laying around?

I guess Matty forgot it.
Asked me to pick it up for him.

No, I haven't, but I will
keep an eye out for it.

Thanks.

- See ya.
- Weird.

If Matty wanted his hat back,
why wouldn't he call me?

Where did you get that hat?

I found it in the hall.

All right.

You're pretty messed up,
Hamilton.

You're one to talk.

Yeah, what's that
supposed to mean?

You think you're so great.

"I'm Matty mckibben..."

- Okay...
- "I play soccer. I'm hot.

Everyone loves me."

Come on, that's not cool.

Why? It's true.

You never want
to be seen with me.

Because I'm not cool?

Because you think
you're better than me?

That's not it.

Why would I be here
if I didn't like you?

Because you like to party.

Whatever.

Can I--can I please
have my hat back?

You have to earn it.

Fine. Then keep it.

In my attempt
to remember the night,

I discovered why some things
were convenient to forget.

Hello?

Are you alive?

Barely.
Why are you whispering?

I'm supposed to be
learning Portuguese,

but I had to call when I saw

those crazy party pics
that were posted.

What crazy pics?

Ming!

I have to go, grandma.

Yes, I'm studying hard.

Check your page.

♪ I called just to say ♪

♪ I know where you've been ♪

My head was throbbing,

but it wasn't just
from lack of hydration.

It was also from
excessive humiliation.

And the question
still remained--

had I attacked Matty
with my tongue...

In more ways than one?

And did I ruin his shoes?

♪ You fell over me ♪

♪ I fell for the line ♪

♪ ♪

No...Effing...Way!

So I guess I'm gonna go.

Bye.

Where are you going?

I don't know.
My parents', I guess.

I [Bleep] Up.

Can I tell you a secret?

You're a lesbian.

- I already knew that.
- No.

What I was gonna say is
my mom's pretty easy.

Just apologize to her
and mean it,

then give her a compliment.

You know, lil' bitch,

you aren't as annoying
as you were a year ago.

Thanks?

And I'm sorry I drugged you.

And that I peed in your closet.

Lace.

What?

I am sorry.

I screwed up,
and it won't happen again.

Mm...You gotta
put on some weight.

I can feel your bones.

I'm not that skinny.

Yes, you are.

In fact, I think you need
to go take your kid out

for a doughnut.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Kid?

Can we make a detour
on the way home?

A dozen doughnuts?

Don't you think
it's a bit overkill?

Not given the situation.

Aw, honey, it's gonna be okay.

You get to a point
where your friends,

they aren't just
your friends anymore.

They're family.

Tamara's family, and she's--
she's gonna forgive you.

I'm sorry.

T!

T! Ally drugged me.

I would never willingly make out
with Ricky Schwartz. Ever!

Why, cause you're
too good for him?

'Cause you're too good for me

now that Matty mckibben
likes you?

Jenna, wake up!

He's just using you for sex.

And you know what else?

I'm so glad
I wrote you that letter.

You're dead to me,
Jenna Hamilton.

And for the first time...

I felt dead to me too.