Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 1, Episode 7 - Over My Dead Body - full transcript

- JENNA, I LIKE YOU.

I'M JUST NOT SURE I'M READY
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

- EVERYONE THINKS
I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF,

AND THERE'S A LAME GUY
SELLING T-SHIRTS,

KEEPING
THE STUPID STORY ALIVE.

- I KISSED JENNA HAMILTON.
- WHAT?

- THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY, UH,
IMPORTANT DAY FOR THE SCHOOL.

- IN HIGH SCHOOL,
ATTENTION WAS A DRUG.

EVERYONE WAS
JONESING FOR IT.

- I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP...

- INCLUDING PRINCIPAL COX.
- SO YOU CAN ALL TALK.



OKAY, UM,

NOW, TO TELL YOU MORE ABOUT
DRUNK DRIVING AWARENESS DAY,

MRS. MARKS.

- [claps]

- CHECK, ONE, TWO.

PAH, PAH.
[feedback whines]

HOT MIC.
[clears throat]

THIS YEAR, OUR ANNUAL PLAY
TO RAISE DRUNK DRIVING AWARENESS

IS GONNA BE
DRIVEN INTO THE MILLENNIA.

EVERYBODY,
WELCOME TO CRASH'D!

SAME CHARACTERS,
SAME STORY, NEW FLAVA.

IT STANDS FOR COUNSELORS, ME,

RAISING AWARENESS
FOR STUDENTS,

YOU,



WHO, "W" IS SILENT,
DRINK.

I KNEW THAT'D
GET YOUR ATTENTION.

- ATTENTION WAS WEIRD.

THE PEOPLE WHO HAD IT
SEEMED NOT TO WANT IT,

AND THE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T HAVE IT

SEEMED TO WANT
NOTHING MORE.

- RICKY SCHWARTZ IS ACTING
ALL STRANGER THAN FICTION.

EVER SINCE HIS PARENTS
TOOK HIM OFF HIS MEDS,

HE STOPPED CHECKING ME OUT.

- REFOCUSING ATTENTION
WAS MY CURRENT STRATEGY.

I WAS PLAYING HARD TO GET
WITH A GUY THAT WAS HARD TO GET.

IT SEEMED TO BE WORKING,

AND I WASN'T GOING TO GIVE IN
TO MATTY'S PRIVATE SEXCAPADES

UNTIL I GOT SOME PUBLIC
ATTENTION.

- [clearing throat]
AND NOW, PALOS HILLERS,

IT'S TIME
TO ANNOUNCE THE LEADS

OF THIS YEAR'S
MOCK D.U.I. CAR CRASH.

AND THE ROLE OF DEAD JOHNNY
GOES TO...

JAKE ROSATI.

[applause]

AND THE ROLE OF DEAD STACEY
GOES TO...

- THIS PART'S ALL MINE.

- JENNA HAMILTON.

[light applause]

- IT WAS NOT THE KIND OF
ATTENTION I WAS LOOKING FOR.

[school bell rings]

- WHAT UP, DEAD STACEY?

- THERE'S NO WAY
I'M PLAYING DEAD STACEY.

I'VE ALREADY HAD ONE LETHAL
MISUNDERSTANDING THIS YEAR.

I DON'T NEED ANOTHER.

- THIS JUST CONFIRMS

THAT THERE IS
A THEATER CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME.

- I'M GONNA GO TELL VALERIE
THAT I QUIT,

AND THEN
YOU CAN PLAY DEAD STACEY.

- YES!

- JUST REMEMBER,
IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU DIE.

IN THE CLASSIC LICENSE TO KILL,

TIFFANI-AMBER THIESSEN
DIES ON THE HOOD,

BUT IN LOVE ON THE ROCKS,

TORI SPELLING
DRIVES INTO A FIELD OF CORN

AND DISAPPEARS...
[whispering] FOREVER.

- OH, LOOK, THEY PICKED
THE DEAD GIRL TO PLAY DEAD.

CONGRATS, JENNA.

YOU'VE ACTUALLY BECOME
A CLICHE OF YOURSELF.

- CLICHE MEANS STUPID,
RIGHT?

- LOOKS LIKE SADIE'S JEAL-Y.

- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT,

BECAUSE I'M NOT DOING IT.

PLAYING DEAD STACEY WAS BIGGER
THAN BEING HOMECOMING QUEEN,

BUT I WAS TRYING
TO BURY MY SUICIDE STIGMA,

NOT ADVERTISE IT.

- OH, JENNA, HEY!
YOU EXCITED?

- NO, I'M NOT DOING IT.

I WAS ACTUALLY
ABOUT TO GO QUIT RIGHT NOW.

- WHOA, HOLD UP! HOLD UP.
[chuckles]

BEFORE YOU, UH,

KILL YOUR ONLY CHANCE
OF BEING MY DEAD GIRLFRIEND,

UM, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND
YOU RECONSIDER.

I MEAN, UH,
JUST THINK OF ALL THE WAYS

I COULD END YOUR LIFE.

[sinister groan]

- I THINK YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO KILL ME BY COCKTAIL,

NOT ASPHYXIATION.

[both mouthing words]

- EVERYTHING OKAY?

- OTHER THAN PUBLIC HUMILIATION
AND WHIPLASH FROM YOU,

I'M GREAT.

- YOU SURE?
'CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE, UH,

EVER SINCE OUR KISS,
YOU JUST SEEM--

- WE'RE GOOD.

- IT JUST SEEMED LIKE LAST WEEK,
WHEN WE TALKED ON THE PHONE,

YOU KNOW,
EVERYTHING WAS COOL,

AND THEN TODAY
YOU'RE ACTING KINDA WEIRD, AND--

- LISTEN, JAKE.
- MM-HMM?

- HERE ARE THE BULLET POINTS.

I'M YOUR FRIEND.
WE HAD AN ACCIDENTAL KISS,

THAT EVEN YOU SAID
WAS A MISTAKE,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- OH.

- AND I'M NOT GONNA
SAY ANYTHING, OKAY? I PROMISE.

I HAVE TO GO QUIT NOW.

THERE REALLY WAS SOMETHING TO
THIS PLAYING-HARD-TO-GET THING.

WHOEVER SAID, "IF YOU BUILD IT,
THEY WILL COME," WAS WRONG.

TEAR IT DOWN.
THEY COME RUNNING.

- DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING,
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

CONGRATS.

I SAVE THIS
FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS,

AND THIS, MY JENNA-RATION,
IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.

- IT SURE IS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE, JENNA?

WE ARE PIONEERS.

TWO FEMALE PIONEERS
ON THE OREGON TRAIL,

FORGING THE RIVER,
HEADING WEST,

AND EVEN THOUGH
MARY-BETH HAS DYSENTERY,

WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED.

WE WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

[grunts]
[whispering] GET THAT.

TO OUR SUCCESS TOMORROW.
- I CAN'T.

- IT'S SPARKLING APPLE JUICE.

- NO,
I CAN'T BE DEAD STACEY.

BUT GOOD NEWS. MY FRIEND,
TAMARA, WANTS TO DO IT.

SHE WOULD LOVE--I MEAN DIE,
ABSOLUTELY DIE FOR THE ROLL.

- UH, YEAH, I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
TAMARA FROM MR. WILKERSON.

APPARENTLY,
SHE'S A LITTLE MUCH.

- SHE'S A PERFORMER.
- NO.

NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.

SHE PLAYED TAMMY
IN GREASE LAST YEAR.

THERE IS NO TAMMY.
THEY JUST MADE UP A CHARACTER,

SO THEY COULD KILL HER OFF
IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES.

I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.
I'M ON WHAT THEY CALL THIN ICE.

APPARENTLY, PRINCIPAL COX
DOESN'T LIKE THE ADVICE

I GIVE TO STUDENTS.

GETTING PREGNANT DOES SUCK,

BUT BREAST-FEEDING
MAKES YOU SKINNY.

BURNING AND NOT ITCHING,
YOU'RE FINE.

TAKE A SLEEPING PILL
AND NAP UNDER MY DESK.

- WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

- SEE.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MY GIRL.

- I AM?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

- THAT IS WHY I NEED YOUR HELP
TO MAKE CRASH'D...

[car crash sound effect]

A SUCCESS.
IT'S COOL, HUH?

SEE, I JUST NEED TO PROVE
TO PRINCIPAL COX

THAT CAN BE RESPONSIBLE,
AND SINCE YOU'RE MY GIRL,

I KNOW THAT YOU'LL
TAKE THIS EVENT SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN,
YOU'VE GOT MY BACK, RIGHT?

- I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO BE DEAD STACEY,

BUT, UM, CONSIDERING
MY RECENT ACCIDENT,

THERE'S NO WAY
MY PARENTS WILL LET ME

DO THE WHOLE "DEAD" THING.

THEY'RE STILL REALLY SENSITIVE
ABOUT IT.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME,
I'D TOTALLY DO IT, THOUGH.

- PARENTS DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.
[laughs]

[phone rings]

HELLO?

- SNICKERDOODLE.

- [whispering]
GOD, SORRY, IT'S MY MOM.

- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

- HOW'D IT GO?
DID I GET IT?

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
ALL THE WAYS I CAN DIE.

- WELL, THE GOOD NEWS,
I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEAD STACEY,

THE BAD NEWS, THEY WON'T
LET YOU HAVE THE PART.

- THIS REEKS OF MR. WILKERSON.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH MY TALENT

AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS
BROKEN DREAMS AND HIS BALD HEAD.

BUT IF I CAN'T BE DEAD STACEY,
YOU HAVE TO DO IT,

OTHERWISE THEY'RE GONNA GIVE IT
TO SOME NASTY BEAST LIKE SADIE.

- LET SADIE AT IT.

I'D LOVE TO SEE HER
COVERED IN BLOOD.

- SO NOTHING INTERESTING
HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY?

NO ALTERCATIONS?

- NOPE.

- AND YOU WORE UNDERWEAR?

- YES.

- SO YOU DIDN'T FLASH
YOUR LADY BITS TO ANYONE,

BY ACCIDENT?

- NO.

- OR ON PURPOSE?

- NO ONE SAW MY VAGINA.

NOTHING HAPPENED.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?

[knocking]

- HI!
IT'S ME, VALERIE.

- KILL. ME. NOW.

- [squeals]

- GO AROUND.
- OH, OKAY.

- SO THIS
IS WHERE MY GIRL LIVES.

I BROUGHT GIFTS.

FOR YOU.
IT LIVES FOREVER.

AND YOU, DIET WINE.

I KNOW HOW YOU P.V. MOMS
LIKE TO STAY SKINNY.

- OH! WELL, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF
DIET WINE. [laughs]

- OH, WELL,
IT'S NOT REALLY DIET.

THE GRAPES ARE ORGANIC,
RUNS RIGHT THROUGH YA.

IT'S LIKE
DRINKIN' THE WATER IN MEXICO.

- [whispering]
THROW IT OUT.

- SO CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING,
MS.--

- OH, VAL.
YEAH, I'D LOVE A ZIMA.

OR NOTHING.
NOTHING'S GOOD.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT?

- YES.
- YES.

- [clears throat]
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

- I, UH,
FIGURED IT WAS ABOUT TIME

I VISITED MY HOMEGIRL
AT HOME, HUH?

ACTUALLY, THAT'S A LIE.

I--I'M HERE ABOUT CRASH'D.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT

YOUR DAUGHTER TO PARTICIPATE,
BUT JENNA REALLY WANTS TO DO IT.

SHE'S JUST AFRAID
YOU WON'T APPROVE.

- APPROVE OF WHAT?

- JENNA HAS BEEN CHOSEN
TO PLAY DEAD ST--

- STACEY?

IS THIS ABOUT DEAD STACEY?

- WELL--

- OH, MY GOD!

COME WITH ME.
COME--COME HERE, COME HERE.

I WAS DEAD STACEY, 1995.

BROUGHT DOWN THE HOUSE!

LOOK.
- OH!

- OH, MY GOSH.
- YOU LOOK AMAZING.

SO YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?
- O-OKAY WITH IT?

I AM THRILLED!
[both laugh]

- AND I WAS SCREWED.

DAD, YOU HAVE TO HELP.

I LIED AND TOLD VALERIE

THAT YOU GUYS
WOULDN'T LET ME BE DEAD STACEY,

AND NOW MOM HAS EFFED THAT UP
MAJORLY.

- WELL, IF YOU'D GIVEN ME
A HEADS-UP,

I WOULD'VE COVERED FOR YOU.

- I--WELL,
I HAD, UM, A LITTLE ENHANCEMENT.

YOU CAN FEEL 'EM,
THEY FEEL TOTALLY REAL.

- REALLY?
- YES.

SEE?

- YOU'D NEVER KNOW
THEY WEREN'T REAL.

- I TOLD YOU.

- DAD,
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

- WELL, I DON'T SEE
WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

I MEAN, DEAD STACEY WAS COOL
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- I THINK YOU HAVE
CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN

THAT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL ALREADY
THINKS I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T,

SO THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY
TO CHANGE THE CONVERSATION.

- I WAS SO OVER MY DAD
AND HIS HAIKU ADVICE.

CHANGE THE CONVERSATION?
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT.

ALL I KNEW WAS THAT

I WAS STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK
AND A DEAD PLACE.

I HAD BEEN CAUGHT IN A LIE,
AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS CONVINCED

VALERIE HAD
A TOUCH OF ASPERGER'S,

I DIDN'T WANT HER
TO LOSE HER JOB.

[phone chimes]

- WELL,
IF I WAS GONNA DIE TOMORROW,

I MIGHT AS WELL
LIVE TONIGHT.

- HEY--

I THOUGHT
YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO ME.

- I'M BEING BURNED
AT THE STAKE TOMORROW.

I'M NOT HERE TO TALK.

- [laughs]

WHAT DO WE HAVE
GOING ON HERE?

OH, NICE ASS.
- JIM, GET INSIDE, MAN, JUST--

- OH, WAIT, WAIT.

IS THIS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

OH.
[sniffs]

- OH, THAT'S ENOUGH, DUDE.
- HI.

- ENOUGH.

- IS THAT YOUR BROTHER?

- YES, I AM.
AND YOU ARE?

- MAN, PLEASE.

I'M SORRY.
YOU SHOULD GO HOME.

- IT WAS THE FIRST TIME
I LISTENED TO MY INSTINCTS,

AND NOT ONLY DID MATTY REFUSE
TO INTRODUCE ME TO HIS BROTHER,

BUT I GOT A DOOR
SLAMMED IN MY FACE.

[school bell rings]
- [over P.A.] GOOD MORNING,

PALOS HILLERS, AND WELCOME
TO DRUNK DRIVING AWARENESS DAY.

[car crash sound effect]

EVERY 15 MINUTES,

SOMEONE DIES OF
AN ALCOHOL-RELATED INCIDENT.

TODAY,
TO REPRESENT THOSE DEATHS,

A GRIM REAPER WILL TAP SOMEONE,
AND AT THAT TIME,

THOSE STUDENTS WILL BECOME
THE LIVING DEAD

AND REMAIN SILENT
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

REMEMBER, IF YOU'VE BEEN
A-BOOZIN', DON'T GO A-CRUISIN'!

[car crash sound effect]

WELCOME TO CRASH'D!

[police siren wails]

- IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT
OF MY LIFE,

AND NOW I HAVE TO GO DIE
IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

- I AM THE GRIM REAPER.

- I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T BE
COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS TO YOU.

- IT'S OKAY.
- YOU'RE DEAD.

- WHILE I WAS CLIPPING
MY CAT'S TOENAILS LAST NIGHT,

I HAD A CATHARSIS.

I'M GLAD
YOU'RE DEAD STACEY.

- YOU ARE?
- YEAH.

IT'S LIKE THIS--

TOENAILS ARE DEAD CELLS,

AND YOU ALMOST DIED,
SO YOU DESERVE THIS PART.

IT'S LIKE POETIC JUSTICE.

I JUST WISH
I WAS DOING IT WITH YOU.

- WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T?

- [laughing]
UM, MR. WILKERSON

AND THE ENTIRE THEATER
DEPARTMENT.

- MAYBE YOU CAN.
- DEAD TO ME!

- YOU'RE GONNA NEED
A DRESS AND A DATE.

THINK RICKY SCHWARTZ
IS AVAILABLE?

- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- WE'RE CHANGING
THE CONVERSATION.

[heavy metal music]

- DEAD.
DEAD.

DEADER.
DEADEST.

HEY! HEY!

HEY, GET BACK HERE! KEVIN!
- NO!

- THIS DAY IS SO STUPID.

BUT IT'S AWESOME
THAT ANDREW HEDER CAN'T TALK,

'CAUSE HE'S, LIKE,
KINDA STUPID,

BUT HE'S ALSO KIND OF
A HOT GING.

- YOU'RE DEAD.

- IF I DON'T
GET TO PLAY DEAD STACEY,

I AM NOT GONNA BE
A DEAD EXTRA.

- [chilling voice]
YES, YOU ARE.

I AM THE GRIM REAPER.

- YOU CAN'T SILENCE ME,

AND YOU CAN'T PAINT MY FACE
WITH THAT [bleep] EITHER,

IT'LL MAKE ME BREAK OUT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
MICRO-DERM COSTS?

- I'LL GIVE YOU
A $20 GIFT CARD TO SEPHORA.

- 50.
- FINE!

NOW YOU'RE DEAD.

YOU, TOO, BLONDIE!

- SO SEE,
IT ALL STAYS THE SAME,

EXCEPT FOR THIS PART,
RIGHT HERE.

- YEAH, COOL.
I GOT IT.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- THANKS.

- I'M JUST GONNA
THROW THIS OUT THERE.

- TOTALLY,
I'M OPEN TO NOTES.

- [laughs]
NO, UM...

TALKING ABOUT US.

I JUST FEEL LIKE YOU'RE STILL
WEIRDED OUT ABOUT OUR KISS.

- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH.

- HI,
THE STARS OF THE SHOW!

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LET'S JUST
POP THE CHERRY ON THIS.

OKAY.
GO AHEAD AND SCOOT CLOSER.

HOLD HANDS.

GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD AND WAFFLE.
IT'S MORE INTIMATE THAT WAY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

NOW THAT YOU TWO
LOOK LIKE A REAL COUPLE...

AH.

HERE.

[sighs]

DON'T SQUIRT
UNTIL YOU'RE IN THE CAR.

REMEMBER, THE MORE BLOOD,
THE BETTER.

QUESTIONS? CONCERNS?

- YES. I CAN'T BE DEAD STACEY...
- [groans]

- UNLESS WE DO IT MY WAY.

WE'RE GONNA BE DOING
THE SAME EVENT, BUT BETTER.

- HOW COULD YOU PUT ME
IN THIS POSITION?

- JENNA'S IDEAS ARE GOOD.

- THEY ARE?

- YEAH.

- PROMISE.
I WOULD NEVER LET YOU DOWN, V.

- "V"?

NO ONE'S EVER
CALLED ME THAT BEFORE.

- EXCEPT ME.
I'M YOUR GIRL.

I'M GONNA BE
THE BEST DEAD STACEY EVER.

- I KNOW YOU ARE.
UP TOP!

[grunts]
CUT THE PICKLE.

- WHAT?
- GO AHEAD.

TICKLE, TICKLE.

[grunts]
- I'M OKAY.

- HEY.

I AM SO SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

MY BROTHER
WAS BEIN' A REAL DICK.

I JUST FEEL REALLY BAD
ABOUT HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.

- WHY WAS HE SO WEIRD?

AND WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?
WHY ARE WE HIDING?

- UM... [chuckles]
I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

- SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME
IN PRIVATE,

BUT YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME
IN PUBLIC?

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT,
MATTY,

BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEING
YOUR SECRET.

AS I WALKED
TO MY VERY PUBLIC DEATH,

I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER,

DID I JUST KILL
MY PRIVATE RELATIONSHIP

WITH MATTY MCKIBBEN?

- J, YOU REALLY
PUT ME OVER A BARREL HERE.

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE
WITH YOUR ADDITIONS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
- LISTEN, NICK.

I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH!

- BEND OVER.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT ENOUGH IS.

[both laugh]

- OKAY,
THEY'RE JUST GOOFING OFF.

IT'LL BE FINE.
TRUST ME.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
BREAK LEGS, EVERYONE!

I MEAN, TEAR YOUR HEADS OFF!
[nervous laugh]

- OH, DEAD MAN WALKING.
ANY LAST WORDS?

- NOW YOU WANT TO TALK?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- [sighs]
I'M FINE.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

[sighs]

[winces]

- OH, GOD.

I'M NERVOUS.
- AH, SHE'LL BE GREAT.

SHE TAKES AFTER HER MOTHER.

[ominous music]

- [deep voice] IN A WORLD
WHERE TEENAGERS DRINK...

ONE NIGHT, ONE BOY...

TOOK ONE GIRL...

TO PROM.

[slow dance music]

*

JOHNNY AND STACEY
DECIDED NOT TO DRINK.

[whispering]
THEY'RE CHRISTIAN.

UNLIKE THEIR FRIENDS,
NICK AND NATALIE,

WHO DECIDED TO DRINK.

THEY'RE LOOSE.

AFTER PROM,
EVERYTHING WAS GOLDEN,

UNTIL NICK DECIDED
TO DRIVE DRUNK!

[car crash sound effect]

- NO, NICKY!

- THE CAR WAS TOTALED.

PARAMEDICS
WERE ON THE WAY.

DID YOU KNOW
THAT THE LEGAL LIMIT...

- YOU KNOW HOW I SAID
I WAS FINE BEFORE?

OKAY, I AM NOT FINE,
OKAY?

THE REASON THAT
I KEEP BRINGING UP OUR KISS

IS BECAUSE I'M CONFUSED.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

I--I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- JAKE, WE'RE FRIENDS.

I TOLD YOU THAT, OKAY?
I NEED MORE BLOOD.

- BUT IF I'M REALLY
BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF,

THE REASON THAT I KEEP

BRINGING
UP OUR KISS IS BECAUSE--

- OH!
BLOOD ON THE BOOBS.

- I LIKE LIKE YOU.

- I DEFINITELY
HAD FEELINGS TOO.

WERE THEY FEELINGS FOR JAKE?

OR WAS IT THE FEELING YOU GET
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DIE?

- BACK AT THE SCENE
OF THE CRIME.

- I'M ALIVE?
I'M ALIVE!

- DRUNK NATALIE WAS A MUTE.

- OH, NO! NICKY?
WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

- DRUNK, MUTE NATALIE
ESCAPED WITH MINOR INJURIES.

DRUNK NICK WAS ARRESTED
FOR A D.U.I.

AND HAULED OFF TO THE SLAMMER.
[jail doors slam]

JOHNNY WAS AIRLIFTED
FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY,

WHERE HE WAITED FOR A LIVER
THAT WOULD NEVER COME.

[helicopter blades whir]
UNFORTUNATELY,

STACEY'S INJURIES
WERE SO SEVERE,

IT LOOKED LIKE
SHE WOULDN'T MAKE IT.

STACEY DIDN'T DRINK.
SHE DIDN'T DRIVE.

SHE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.

AN INNOCENT VICTIM
TO SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE.

- STACEY! NO!

DON'T DIE!

- EVEN THOUGH
DRUNK NATALIE TRIED,

SHE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO SAVE STACEY.

[heart monitor beeps]

- STAY WITH ME, STACE!

- STACEY WAS SEEING THE LIGHT.

- [whispering]
DO IT NOW.

[cheers and applause]

- EVEN HOMOEROTIC TENSION

COULDN'T BRING STACEY
BACK TO LIFE.

[audience members whistling]
SHE WAS DEAD IN TEN, NINE...

EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX--
- GET SOME!

- STACEY WAS IN THE LIGHT!

- [gasps]
- DEAD STACEY LIVES!

- THERE WAS A MIRACLE.

[cheers and applause]

both: YEAH!

all: WHOO!

- YEAH!

[applause]

- WHOO!

- MS. MARKS?

- I KNOW.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT.

- I DO.

THIS WAS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVING
AWARENESS DAY WE'VE EVER HAD.

OH, BOY, UM--

- ACTUALLY,
IT'S CALLED CRASH'D.

- MM-HMM.

- COUNSELORS...
- GOT IT.

- RAISING AWARENESS...
- MM-HMM.

- FOR STUDENTS...
- THANK YOU.

- WHO,
"W" IS SILENT...

- I DON'T CARE.

- DRINK.

- YOU WERE SO GOOD.

- ALMOST AS GOOD AS I WAS.

- MOM, DON'T CRY.

- [sobbing]
I'M NOT.

BUT I WILL IF YOU GET BLOOD
ON MY SWEATER. [laughs]

IT'S CASHMERE.

- LACE, LET'S LET HER
HAVE THE MOMENT.

- YOU WERE SO GOOD.

- I WAS SURE
PLAYING DEAD STACEY

WOULD RESULT
IN SOCIAL SUICIDE.

BUT INSTEAD,
MY REPUTATION WAS RESURRECTED.

- YOU WERE AMAZING.

- AND FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I GOT THE ATTENTION
I WAS LOOKING FOR.