Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 1, Episode 9 - My Super Bittersweet Sixteen - full transcript
Jake confesses to Liss that he kissed Jenna. After Liss slaps Jenna, Liss and Jake end up in Counselor Val's office.
- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
- YOU'RE LIKE A PUPPY.
- I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
- YOU NEVER WANT TO BE
SEEN WITH ME.
- YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
- I WOULDN'T NEVER WILLINGLY
MAKE OUT WITH RICKY SCHWARTZ!
- I'M SO GLAD
I WROTE YOU THAT LETTER!
[alarm clock plays rock music]
- THERE WERE A MILLION REASONS
WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO
GET OUT OF BED.
BUT APPARENTLY THE UNIVERSE
WASN'T GOING TO LET ME SLEEP.
[music changes to soft rock]
AFTER THROWING
A HARDSCHOOL KEGGER,
I HAD OVER 300 FRIENDS.
BUT I WASN'T DELUDED BY
MY SURGE IN POPULARITY.
I KNEW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN REAL FRIENDS
AND VIRTUAL ONES.
MY REAL FRIENDS
WEREN'T TALKING TO ME.
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR,
MING COULDN'T.
LITERALLY.
WHILE MING WAS SUFFERING FROM
THE KISSING DISEASE,
I WAS SICK OVER A KISS.
A DRUNKEN LIP SLIP
THAT HAD COST ME
TAMARA'S FRIENDSHIP.
AFTER ALIENATING MATTY
AND POSSIBLY JAKE,
MY FRIENDSCAPE WAS
PRETTY BARREN.
BUT MAKING NEW FRIENDS
WASN'T GOING TO BE A PROBLEM.
I HAD THE INTERWEB!
- HEY!
- HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, I JUST GOT CANNED
FROM MY JOB
'CAUSE I SCREWED UP THIS ORDER
BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
I WAS STILL DRUNK FROM
THE NIGHT BEFORE.
'CAUSE MY EX JUST GOT MARRIED
TO MY BEST FRIEND.
ANYWAY, I'VE BEEN
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THE COMPUTER LATELY.
WANT TO SEE MY PENIS?
- IF MY LIFE HAD
AN ESCAPE BUTTON,
I WOULD'VE CHECKED OUT
FOR THE DAY.
THERE WAS ONLY
ONE SMALL PROBLEM.
- MAKE A WISH!
- IT WAS MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY.
- MAN, I REMEMBER WHEN
I WAS 16.
- AND YOU KNOCKED UP MOM?
YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO TELL ME
IT HAPPENED IN A CAR, ARE YOU?
- NOT THIS CAR.
- PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE JOKING.
- I AM.
- MY LUCKY SOCKS.
- I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D BE TOO
OLD FOR THEM.
- HELL NO.
I REALLY NEED THEM.
- OKAY,
REMEMBER TO CHECK YOUR MIRRORS
AND DON'T LET ANYTHING
DISTRACT YOU.
ESPECIALLY CYCLISTS.
SPANDEX BASTARDS THINK
THEY OWN THE ROAD.
- THE UPSIDE OF BEING DEPRESSED?
I WAS COMPLETELY CALM.
NOTHING WAS GOING TO
DISTRACT ME.
- OKAY, GO AHEAD,
MS. HAMILTON.
CHECK YOUR LEFT MIRROR.
AND YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR.
AND DON'T FORGET,
CHECK THE RIGHT MIRROR.
- NO, I GOT IT.
GOT IT.
I JUST--
OH!
[crashing]
- DON'T WORRY.
IT TOOK YOUR MOM
A COUPLE OF TIMES TO PASS, TOO.
- IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
THE DUDE HAD HOOK HANDS.
- SO YOU DIDN'T
GET YOUR LICENSE.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
- I WANT TO SPEND
THE DAY WITH YOU.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO
GO TO SCHOOL.
- AND THERE'S THAT.
[sighs]
- I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE
MEETINGS ALL DAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
- THERE WAS NOTHING
HAPPY ABOUT IT.
IT WAS JUST ANOTHER CRAP DAY
IN 2000-SUCK.
- AND GOOD LUCK WITH TAMARA!
[bell ringing]
- DO YOU THINK POLYESTER
IS SEE-THROUGH?
I'M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING
GOING SANS BRA
FOR THE BIG GAME TONIGHT.
- TRYING TO MAKE
THE SCHWARTZMAN JEALOUS?
- NEGS ON THAT!
THE ONLY REASON I WENT
TITS-OUT AT
PRACTICE YESTERDAY
IS BECAUSE MY BRA
MALFUNCTIONED.
I FELT SO FREE,
AND MY FLUTE PLAYING WAS PFM.
- IT WAS PURE, FREAKING MAGIC.
YOU SHOULD LOSE
THE GRUNDIES ALL TOGETHER.
JONAH S. IS A FREEBALLER,
AND HIS PROTEIN BOOST TOTALLY
HAS A CINNAMON THING GOING ON.
THOUGH IT COULD BE
'CAUSE HE'S ON TENOR SAX,
ALL THAT BRASS SO CLOSE
TO HIS JUNK.
[bell ringing]
IT'S JENNA'S BIRTHDAY, EH?
GET HER ANYTHING,
OR IS SHE STILL SEQUESTERED
TO THE KISS AND CRY ZONE?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- AFTER AVOIDING ME FOR DAYS,
TAMARA LOOKED RIGHT AT ME.
LIKE, SHE WAS TOTALLY
OPEN TO MY FACEMAIL.
MY DAD WAS RIGHT.
SHE WAS THROWING ME
A BIRTHDAY BONE.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- ONCE MORE WITH FEELING.
[eerie music]
WELL, AT LEAST
I HAD SOME FRIENDS.
BEGGARS COULDN'T
BE CHOOSERS.
THANKS, KYLE.
- I DIDN'T DO THAT.
- UGH.
CRAP, NOW I'M OUT
A HUNDRED BUCKS.
THERE WAS A DEAD POOL ON YOU
AND I BET YOU WOULDN'T
MAKE IT TO 16.
- THERE HAD TO BE SOME WAY TO
GET OFF THE DEMON HELL RIDE.
THE NURSE ISN'T IN
AND I'M NOT FEELING SO HOT,
SO CAN YOU WRITE ME
A NOTE TO GO HOME?
- YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER,
SO EITHER YOU HAVE
INTERNAL INJURIES
OR YOU'RE TRYING
TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME
'CAUSE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
I'M ON TO YOU, J.
NOW, I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO GIVE GIFTS,
BUT YOU AND I HAVE SURPASSED
THE WHOLE TEACHER-STUDENT THING.
GO AHEAD.
- THANKS.
- OH, WHAT'S HAPPENIN',
HOT STUFF?
- I'M SORRY, WHAT?
- OH, I'M NOT BEING PERVY,
I WAS QUOTING LONG DUK DONG
FROM SIXTEEN CANDLES.
IT'S ABOUT THIS GIRL
ON HER 16TH BIRTHDAY
BUT EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT IT.
IT WAS FABULOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.
ANY PLANS?
- NONE EXCEPT FOR TO GO HOME
AFTER YOU WRITE ME THAT NOTE.
- WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND
HERE SO YOU CAN CELEBRATE
WITH YOUR AMIGOS?
- THAT'D BE GREAT BUT MY AMIGOS
AREN'T TALKING TO ME.
- SO WHAT I'M HEARING IS THAT
YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE
TO CELEBRATE WITH.
- WHAT I'M SAYING IS I REALLY
DON'T WANT TO BE HERE,
SO THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD
GIVE ME IS A NOTE HOME.
- "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
THEY FORGOT MY F-ING BIRTHDAY!"
[laughs]
I WAS QUOTING MOLLY RINGWALD.
SHE GAVE UP.
DON'T YOU GIVE UP.
THAT WAS ME QUOTING MYSELF.
[telephone rings]
- I USED TO FEEL BAD
FOR DAVID SHAPIRO.
EATING BY HIMSELF
EVERY DAY.
UNTIL I FOUND OUT HE WASN'T
REALLY EATING ALONE.
HE HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS,
WHICH THEORETICALLY WAS LIKE,
SIX TO TEN MORE THAT I HAD.
- HELLO, LADIES.
- LOOK AT RICKY SCHWARTZ
WALKING AROUND
LIKE HE'S THE BOMB DOT-COM.
I MEAN, SURE HE'S
TOTALLY H-2-T GORGE',
BUT MY DEAD GRANDMA CAN PLAY
CLARINET BETTER THAN HIM.
- YOU GUYS ARE LIKE
CHARLIE'S ANGELS.
- HE CLAIMS HIS PLAYING SUFFERS
BECAUSE HE GETS LIKE,
27 HARDIES A DAY.
BUT I'M ALWAYS ON ZIPPER PATROL.
AND IF THAT'S TRUE,
THERE'S DEFINITELY SOME
"LITTLE PENIS, BIG WORLD" ACTION
GOING ON DOWN THERE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED
A YEAR OF MY LIFE
CRUSHING OUT ON THAT JERK
WHEN I COULD'VE BEEN FANTASIZING
ABOUT JAKE GYLLENHALL.
CIRCA 2008.
[cell phone chimes]
[gasps]
- WHAT, SO, YOU FORGIVE HIM,
BUT YOU WON'T FORGIVE JENNA?
- RICKY AND I WERE
NEVER EXCLUSIVE.
JENNA AND I WERE FRIENDS
FOR SEVEN YEARS.
I SHOWED HER
HOW TO USE A TAMPON.
- OH...
YOU'RE BLOOD SISTERS.
- HEY, LOSER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
SITTING HERE BY YOURSELF?
- BEING A LOSER.
- YOU GOING
TO THE GAME LATER?
- WHAT GAME?
- THE REGIONAL PLAYOFFS?
IT'S THE BIGGEST GAME
OF THE SEASON.
- OH, I'M NOT MUCH
OF A FOOTBALL PERSON.
IT IS FOOTBALL, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME
SIT WITH US?
- I HAD BEEN SO DESTROYED OVER
THE TAMARA SITCH,
I DIDN'T DARE LET MYSELF THINK
ABOUT MY PROBLEMS WITH MATTY.
BUT SEEING HIM IN THE FLESH
MADE ME REALIZE
I NEEDED TO SET MY PAIN BAR
A LITTLE HIGHER.
I'M TRYING TO KEEP
A LOW-PRO TODAY.
- YEAH.
- [through megaphone]
JENNA HAMILTON, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL?
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
- I DIDN'T GIVE A [bleep]
IF I SET OFF THE ALARM.
IT WAS A REAL EMERGENCY.
- WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
JENNA HAMILTON IS RIGHT HERE.
JENNA HAMILTON IS RIGHT HERE.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNA.
- UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT,
THE RUMORS OF MY DEATH WISH
HAD BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLFRIEND.
YO, YO, YO, YO, YO.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
* LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME
YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL *
- WHOO!
- * BUT DON'T EAT TOO MUCH CAKE
THAT YOU WANNA HURL *
* YOU SAY YOU DON'T WANNA
PLAY THE GAME *
* JUST DROP IT DOWN, SISTER,
AND BLOW OUT THE FLAME *
* 'FORE YOU MAKE A WISH,
NO, I AIN'T NO MAGIC FAIRY *
* I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR CAKE
* 'CAUSE IT'S FILLED
WITH STRAWBERRY, YO *
[cheers and applause]
I JUST WANT TO TAKE THIS MOMENT
TO SAY...
- YOU'RE STILL ON MIC,
YOU'RE STILL ON MIC.
- JENNA HAMILTON,
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
- THAT MADE ONE OF US.
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
AND I HAD HOPED BEING
NEAR AN OPEN FLAME
WOULD HELP SPEED UP
THE PROCESS.
- OH, I FORGOT THE PLATES.
I'M GOING
TO HOLD ON TO THIS.
- WELL, UH, I GOTTA GO,
BUT YOU GUYS
CAN HELP YOURSELVES.
I WANTED TO LEAVE,
BUT I COULDN'T.
I HAD JUST RECEIVED
ANOTHER GIFT...
OF THE MONTHLY VARIETY.
AND SINCE TAMARA WAS THE KEEPER
OF THE BACKUP PANTS,
THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GETTING
MY HANDS ON THEM.
[bell ringing]
WELL, HOW LONG
IS A LITTLE WHILE?
- HONEY, DON'T FORCE ME
TO PUT A TIME LIMIT ON THIS.
I'M HAVING THE CARPETS CLEANED.
IT-IT'LL BE DONE WHEN IT'S DONE.
- OKAY, WELL, COME PICK ME UP,
AND I'LL HANG OUT
ON THE NON-CARPETED AREAS.
- YOU CAN'T. IT'S TOO...FUMEY.
[coughs]
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU BREATHING
IN ALL OF THESE TOXINS.
IT WILL STUNT YOUR GROWTH.
- MOM, I'M 16.
I THINK I'M KINDA DONE GROWING.
- WELL, THAT IS NOT
NECESSARILY TRUE.
MY FEET GREW 2 SIZES
AFTER I TURNED 20.
AS DID MY BOOBS.
- YEAH, BUT YOU PAID FOR THAT.
- FIND SOMETHING
TO OCCUPY YOURSELF.
I'LL BE THERE
IN A LITTLE WHILE.
[keypad tone]
[crowd cheering,
marching band plays]
- MY KNOWLEDGE OF FOOTBALL:
ZERO-POINT-ZILCH.
BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING
COMFORTING ABOUT
DISAPPEARING INTO
A SEA OF PEOPLE.
- HELLO, JENNA!
COME SIT BY ME.
- JENNA, OVER HERE!
- UM, AH,
I'M-I'M WITH A FRIEND.
- OH. IT'S COOL.
YEAH!
- HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED FOOTBALL.
- I DO, BUT I DIDN'T WANNA WASTE
THIS AWESOME OUTFIT.
- THAT IT IS.
NICE SOCKS.
- I HAD TO ADMIT, IT WAS NICE
HAVING SOMEONE TO TALK TO...
WHO WOULD ACTUALLY
TALK TO ME BACK.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
JENNA HATES FOOTBALL.
[crowd groans]
RICKY SCHWARTZ
IS A TOTAL PRICK.
- HE JUST GAVE ME DOUCHE CHILLS.
- I HAVE BEEN UNDER HIS SPELL
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
I HAVE TO ESCAPE
FROM SCHWARTZ MOUNTAIN.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
POST-GAME, THE SANCTUARY
IS A SEX PALACE.
- THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY GAME
WHERE YOU HAVE TO CALL
THE FAKE KNEEL-DOWN.
[crowd groans]
- WHY DOESN'T THE KICKER
JUST TURN AROUND
AND KICK IT TO OUR TEAM?
- WE COULD DO AN ON-SIDE KICK,
BUT THE BALL HAS TO TRAVEL
FORWARD TEN YARDS
BEFORE WE CAN RECOVER IT.
OTHERWISE, IT'S A PENALTY
FOR ILLEGAL TOUCHING.
- OH. BORED.
- HEY, WE'RE OVER HERE!
- EVEN THOUGH
I HAD APOLOGIZED,
MATTY WAS STILL TREATING ME
LIKE AN A-HOLE,
AND I DEFINITELY
LOOKED THE PART.
- OH, YOU MISSED
HALF THE GAME.
- HI.
- HEY.
- * CALIFORNIA GRAPEFRUIT,
TEXAS CACTUS *
* WE PLAY YOUR TEAM
* JUST FOR PRACTICE
- GO SADIE!
- SOMEBODY LET HAMILTON
OUT OF HER CAGE.
THIS IS A BAD OMEN.
WE ARE TOTALLY GOING TO LOSE
THIS GAME.
- OH, NICE!
DUNPHY'S SERIOUSLY ONE OF
THE BEST QUARTERBACKS WE'VE HAD.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT
AS ACCURATE AS JAMIE.
THAT'S WHAT MADE
YOUR BRO ALL-STATE, BUT...
HE'S GOT A STRONG ARM.
- YUP.
- HOW IS JAMIE?
STILL KICKING YOUR ASS?
- [chuckles]
YEAH.
AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
- NO WONDER MATTY
WAS TREATING ME LIKE A LEPER.
APPARENTLY, I'D REALLY HIT
A NERVE WHEN I GAVE HIM
A HARD TIME AT MY PARTY.
MAYBE I DESERVED TO SPEND
MY BIRTHDAY ALONE.
I HAVE TO GO.
- JENNA! WAIT, JENNA!
JENNA, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR CALLING YOU OUT
IN THE CAF.
HONESTLY, I-I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D WANT TO MISS YOUR CAKE.
LISTEN, YOU TRANSPARENT
SOCIAL CLIMBER.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
MAKE YOUR OWN FRIENDS
DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN SNAKE MINE.
THE ONLY REASON MATTY AND JAKE
CAN STAND BEING AROUND YOU
IS BECAUSE THEY FEEL
SORRY FOR YOU.
I MEAN...LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE LIKE SOMETHING A
DESPERATE CELEBRITY WOULD ADOPT
FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
CHEERS!
SORRY.
- HAVING BEEN EMOTIONALLY RAPED
BY THE DAY,
I WAS NUMB TO SADIE'S
HARSH WORDS.
OR MAYBE IT WAS THE CRUSHED ICE
MELTING IN MY BRA.
[crowd cheering]
- IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[crowd laughing]
- HEY MOM, IT'S ME.
OKAY, CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS
OR JUST COME PICK ME UP.
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,
I AM CALLING FROM HELL.
- HEY, NICE MOVES, HAMILTON.
WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- HE'S PICKING ME UP
IN HIS CHARIOT.
- [chuckles]
YOU, UH--YOU NEED A RIDE
TO THE AFTER PARTY?
- IT'S A PRIVATE PARTY.
- I'M COOL.
- MATTY'S NOT GOING EITHER,
SO HE COULD GIVE YOU A RIDE.
- THAT'S OKAY. MY MOM
SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- NAH, MCKIBBEN,
TAKE THE GIRL HOME.
- BUTT OUT, ROSATI.
SHE SAID SHE WANTS
TO WAIT FOR HER MOMMY.
DID YOU FAIL
YOUR DRIVER'S TEST?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.
- SO JUST STAY
STRAIGHT UP HERE.
- YEAH, I GOT IT.
- AND THEN JUST TAKE A--
- I KNOW WHERE
YOU LIVE.
- SO...
I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
TO YOU AT MY PARTY.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT, OKAY?
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
TOO GOOD FOR ME.
- IT'S OKAY.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU,
BUT I DO CARE TOO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
- EVERYBODY DOES.
- THAT'S THE THING, JENNA.
YOU DON'T.
THAT'S WHY IT
BUMMED ME OUT BECAUSE...
YOU SAID IT.
IT KILLS ME THAT YOU
THINK OF ME THAT WAY.
- I DON'T.
I KNOW YOU'RE
A GOOD PERSON.
- CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S UP
WITH THOSE SOCKS?
[laughs]
- CLOWN COLLEGE.
- UH-HUH.
- I GO AT NIGHT.
- SERIOUSLY?
- I PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING
FOR GOOD LUCK,
AND NOW I AM CONVINCED
THEY'RE CURSED.
- THEN HAND THEM OVER.
COME ON.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
NO MORE BAD LUCK.
- SO YOU AND ME,
WE'RE COOL?
- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
- FRIENDS?
- TOTALLY.
- MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WISH
HAD COME BACK
TO BITE ME
IN THE ASS.
WHEN I ASKED
FOR MY FRIENDS BACK,
I SHOULD HAVE SPECIFIED
I WANTED MATTY BACK
AS THE BOYFRIEND VARIETY.
THANKS FOR THE RIDE.
- NO PROBLEM.
- OKAY.
- KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
SORRY FOR
LEAVING YOU STRANDED,
BUT YOU WILL FORGIVE ME
WHEN YOU SEE
WHAT YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT IS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
ISN'T IT PERFECT?
- YUP.
PERFECT...
FOR ENTERTAINING CLIENTS
AS A HIGHLY PAID ESCORT.
- OKAY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SUNNY.
SULTRY.
- OH.
- SORDID.
[giggles]
COOL, HUH?
I THOUGHT
IT WAS ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU HAD
A GROWN-UP BEDROOM.
OH, AND THERE'S
ONE MORE SPECIAL FEATURE.
- OH.
- COME ON.
NOW, LIE BACK.
[squeals]
[laughs]
WANNA KNOW THE BEST THING
ABOUT HAVING A MIRROR
ON YOUR CEILING?
- I CAN'T IMAGINE.
- YOU CAN DO YOUR MAKEUP
IN BED.
[gasps]
OH.
WHEN I WAS 16, I WOULD HAVE
KILLED FOR A BEDROOM LIKE THIS.
- THANKS, MOM.
- OH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WORE
ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY?
- THERE IT WAS.
MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY INSULT.
MY DAY WAS COMPLETE.
WHERE'S MY STUFF?
- I PUT IT IN THAT BOX.
NOW, I AM GONNA
TO LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
- 16 YEARS ON THE PLANET,
AND ALL I HAD TO SHOW FOR IT
WAS ONE BOX.
IT WAS TIME
FOR A VIRTUAL ESCAPE.
STRAIGHT UP PG.
SCANDALOUS.
- HEY, SEXY.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- YOU ARE MY PROBLEM.
I'VE BEEN RAGING
AGAINST MY BEST FRIEND,
AND LETTING YOU OFF
THE HOOK
WHEN YOU'RE
JUST AS GUILTY.
SO, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME,
STOP TEXTING ME,
DON'T EVER LOOK AT ME AGAIN
UNLESS YOU'RE WAITING FOR
A FLUTE CUE FROM MR. ROBOTO.
I DON'T WANT
YOUR SKINNY ASS
IN MY LIFE ANYMORE,
RICKY SCHWARTZ!
THIS FLIRTATIONSHIP IS OVER.
GAME OVER.
- YOU'RE SO HOT
RIGHT NOW.
- [sobbing]
AWESOME.
IT TOOK HER AWHILE,
BUT MOLLY RINGWALD
FIGURED IT OUT.
LESSON LEARNED.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO BE WHO YOU ARE
BECAUSE EVEN HOT GUYS
WILL LIKE YOU
IF YOU LIKE YOURSELF.
CLEARLY, I HAD BEEN GOING
ABOUT THINGS ALL WRONG.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE
ACCEPTED BY EVERYBODY ELSE
WHEN I HADN'T EVEN
ACCEPTED MYSELF?
"JENNA, AS YOU ARE NOW,
YOU COULD DISAPPEAR,
AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE."
TRUTH WAS SOMETIMES
I WANTED TO DISAPPEAR.
BUT I WASN'T GOING TO.
I THOUGHT 16
WAS SETTING ITSELF UP
TO BE THE WORST YEAR
OF MY LIFE.
BUT I WAS BORN ON 7:32 P.M.,
WHICH MEANT
I WAS STILL 15.
[knocking on door]
- I FORGOT SOMETHING.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ROOM?
- [chuckles]
MY MOTHER.
IT GETS BETTER.
- YOUR MOM DID THIS?
- DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN
BECAUSE I CAN'T.
- I LIED TO YOU
IN THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT
TO BE FRIENDS.
I WANT TO BE MORE.
- AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED,
15 COULD SUCK IT.
BECAUSE 16...WELL, IT WAS
STARTING OFF PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
- YOU'RE LIKE A PUPPY.
- I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
- YOU NEVER WANT TO BE
SEEN WITH ME.
- YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
- I WOULDN'T NEVER WILLINGLY
MAKE OUT WITH RICKY SCHWARTZ!
- I'M SO GLAD
I WROTE YOU THAT LETTER!
[alarm clock plays rock music]
- THERE WERE A MILLION REASONS
WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO
GET OUT OF BED.
BUT APPARENTLY THE UNIVERSE
WASN'T GOING TO LET ME SLEEP.
[music changes to soft rock]
AFTER THROWING
A HARDSCHOOL KEGGER,
I HAD OVER 300 FRIENDS.
BUT I WASN'T DELUDED BY
MY SURGE IN POPULARITY.
I KNEW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN REAL FRIENDS
AND VIRTUAL ONES.
MY REAL FRIENDS
WEREN'T TALKING TO ME.
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR,
MING COULDN'T.
LITERALLY.
WHILE MING WAS SUFFERING FROM
THE KISSING DISEASE,
I WAS SICK OVER A KISS.
A DRUNKEN LIP SLIP
THAT HAD COST ME
TAMARA'S FRIENDSHIP.
AFTER ALIENATING MATTY
AND POSSIBLY JAKE,
MY FRIENDSCAPE WAS
PRETTY BARREN.
BUT MAKING NEW FRIENDS
WASN'T GOING TO BE A PROBLEM.
I HAD THE INTERWEB!
- HEY!
- HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, I JUST GOT CANNED
FROM MY JOB
'CAUSE I SCREWED UP THIS ORDER
BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
I WAS STILL DRUNK FROM
THE NIGHT BEFORE.
'CAUSE MY EX JUST GOT MARRIED
TO MY BEST FRIEND.
ANYWAY, I'VE BEEN
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THE COMPUTER LATELY.
WANT TO SEE MY PENIS?
- IF MY LIFE HAD
AN ESCAPE BUTTON,
I WOULD'VE CHECKED OUT
FOR THE DAY.
THERE WAS ONLY
ONE SMALL PROBLEM.
- MAKE A WISH!
- IT WAS MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY.
- MAN, I REMEMBER WHEN
I WAS 16.
- AND YOU KNOCKED UP MOM?
YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO TELL ME
IT HAPPENED IN A CAR, ARE YOU?
- NOT THIS CAR.
- PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE JOKING.
- I AM.
- MY LUCKY SOCKS.
- I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D BE TOO
OLD FOR THEM.
- HELL NO.
I REALLY NEED THEM.
- OKAY,
REMEMBER TO CHECK YOUR MIRRORS
AND DON'T LET ANYTHING
DISTRACT YOU.
ESPECIALLY CYCLISTS.
SPANDEX BASTARDS THINK
THEY OWN THE ROAD.
- THE UPSIDE OF BEING DEPRESSED?
I WAS COMPLETELY CALM.
NOTHING WAS GOING TO
DISTRACT ME.
- OKAY, GO AHEAD,
MS. HAMILTON.
CHECK YOUR LEFT MIRROR.
AND YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR.
AND DON'T FORGET,
CHECK THE RIGHT MIRROR.
- NO, I GOT IT.
GOT IT.
I JUST--
OH!
[crashing]
- DON'T WORRY.
IT TOOK YOUR MOM
A COUPLE OF TIMES TO PASS, TOO.
- IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
THE DUDE HAD HOOK HANDS.
- SO YOU DIDN'T
GET YOUR LICENSE.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
- I WANT TO SPEND
THE DAY WITH YOU.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO
GO TO SCHOOL.
- AND THERE'S THAT.
[sighs]
- I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE
MEETINGS ALL DAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
- THERE WAS NOTHING
HAPPY ABOUT IT.
IT WAS JUST ANOTHER CRAP DAY
IN 2000-SUCK.
- AND GOOD LUCK WITH TAMARA!
[bell ringing]
- DO YOU THINK POLYESTER
IS SEE-THROUGH?
I'M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING
GOING SANS BRA
FOR THE BIG GAME TONIGHT.
- TRYING TO MAKE
THE SCHWARTZMAN JEALOUS?
- NEGS ON THAT!
THE ONLY REASON I WENT
TITS-OUT AT
PRACTICE YESTERDAY
IS BECAUSE MY BRA
MALFUNCTIONED.
I FELT SO FREE,
AND MY FLUTE PLAYING WAS PFM.
- IT WAS PURE, FREAKING MAGIC.
YOU SHOULD LOSE
THE GRUNDIES ALL TOGETHER.
JONAH S. IS A FREEBALLER,
AND HIS PROTEIN BOOST TOTALLY
HAS A CINNAMON THING GOING ON.
THOUGH IT COULD BE
'CAUSE HE'S ON TENOR SAX,
ALL THAT BRASS SO CLOSE
TO HIS JUNK.
[bell ringing]
IT'S JENNA'S BIRTHDAY, EH?
GET HER ANYTHING,
OR IS SHE STILL SEQUESTERED
TO THE KISS AND CRY ZONE?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- AFTER AVOIDING ME FOR DAYS,
TAMARA LOOKED RIGHT AT ME.
LIKE, SHE WAS TOTALLY
OPEN TO MY FACEMAIL.
MY DAD WAS RIGHT.
SHE WAS THROWING ME
A BIRTHDAY BONE.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- ONCE MORE WITH FEELING.
[eerie music]
WELL, AT LEAST
I HAD SOME FRIENDS.
BEGGARS COULDN'T
BE CHOOSERS.
THANKS, KYLE.
- I DIDN'T DO THAT.
- UGH.
CRAP, NOW I'M OUT
A HUNDRED BUCKS.
THERE WAS A DEAD POOL ON YOU
AND I BET YOU WOULDN'T
MAKE IT TO 16.
- THERE HAD TO BE SOME WAY TO
GET OFF THE DEMON HELL RIDE.
THE NURSE ISN'T IN
AND I'M NOT FEELING SO HOT,
SO CAN YOU WRITE ME
A NOTE TO GO HOME?
- YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER,
SO EITHER YOU HAVE
INTERNAL INJURIES
OR YOU'RE TRYING
TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME
'CAUSE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
I'M ON TO YOU, J.
NOW, I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO GIVE GIFTS,
BUT YOU AND I HAVE SURPASSED
THE WHOLE TEACHER-STUDENT THING.
GO AHEAD.
- THANKS.
- OH, WHAT'S HAPPENIN',
HOT STUFF?
- I'M SORRY, WHAT?
- OH, I'M NOT BEING PERVY,
I WAS QUOTING LONG DUK DONG
FROM SIXTEEN CANDLES.
IT'S ABOUT THIS GIRL
ON HER 16TH BIRTHDAY
BUT EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT IT.
IT WAS FABULOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.
ANY PLANS?
- NONE EXCEPT FOR TO GO HOME
AFTER YOU WRITE ME THAT NOTE.
- WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND
HERE SO YOU CAN CELEBRATE
WITH YOUR AMIGOS?
- THAT'D BE GREAT BUT MY AMIGOS
AREN'T TALKING TO ME.
- SO WHAT I'M HEARING IS THAT
YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE
TO CELEBRATE WITH.
- WHAT I'M SAYING IS I REALLY
DON'T WANT TO BE HERE,
SO THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD
GIVE ME IS A NOTE HOME.
- "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
THEY FORGOT MY F-ING BIRTHDAY!"
[laughs]
I WAS QUOTING MOLLY RINGWALD.
SHE GAVE UP.
DON'T YOU GIVE UP.
THAT WAS ME QUOTING MYSELF.
[telephone rings]
- I USED TO FEEL BAD
FOR DAVID SHAPIRO.
EATING BY HIMSELF
EVERY DAY.
UNTIL I FOUND OUT HE WASN'T
REALLY EATING ALONE.
HE HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS,
WHICH THEORETICALLY WAS LIKE,
SIX TO TEN MORE THAT I HAD.
- HELLO, LADIES.
- LOOK AT RICKY SCHWARTZ
WALKING AROUND
LIKE HE'S THE BOMB DOT-COM.
I MEAN, SURE HE'S
TOTALLY H-2-T GORGE',
BUT MY DEAD GRANDMA CAN PLAY
CLARINET BETTER THAN HIM.
- YOU GUYS ARE LIKE
CHARLIE'S ANGELS.
- HE CLAIMS HIS PLAYING SUFFERS
BECAUSE HE GETS LIKE,
27 HARDIES A DAY.
BUT I'M ALWAYS ON ZIPPER PATROL.
AND IF THAT'S TRUE,
THERE'S DEFINITELY SOME
"LITTLE PENIS, BIG WORLD" ACTION
GOING ON DOWN THERE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED
A YEAR OF MY LIFE
CRUSHING OUT ON THAT JERK
WHEN I COULD'VE BEEN FANTASIZING
ABOUT JAKE GYLLENHALL.
CIRCA 2008.
[cell phone chimes]
[gasps]
- WHAT, SO, YOU FORGIVE HIM,
BUT YOU WON'T FORGIVE JENNA?
- RICKY AND I WERE
NEVER EXCLUSIVE.
JENNA AND I WERE FRIENDS
FOR SEVEN YEARS.
I SHOWED HER
HOW TO USE A TAMPON.
- OH...
YOU'RE BLOOD SISTERS.
- HEY, LOSER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
SITTING HERE BY YOURSELF?
- BEING A LOSER.
- YOU GOING
TO THE GAME LATER?
- WHAT GAME?
- THE REGIONAL PLAYOFFS?
IT'S THE BIGGEST GAME
OF THE SEASON.
- OH, I'M NOT MUCH
OF A FOOTBALL PERSON.
IT IS FOOTBALL, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME
SIT WITH US?
- I HAD BEEN SO DESTROYED OVER
THE TAMARA SITCH,
I DIDN'T DARE LET MYSELF THINK
ABOUT MY PROBLEMS WITH MATTY.
BUT SEEING HIM IN THE FLESH
MADE ME REALIZE
I NEEDED TO SET MY PAIN BAR
A LITTLE HIGHER.
I'M TRYING TO KEEP
A LOW-PRO TODAY.
- YEAH.
- [through megaphone]
JENNA HAMILTON, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL?
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
- I DIDN'T GIVE A [bleep]
IF I SET OFF THE ALARM.
IT WAS A REAL EMERGENCY.
- WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
JENNA HAMILTON IS RIGHT HERE.
JENNA HAMILTON IS RIGHT HERE.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNA.
- UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT,
THE RUMORS OF MY DEATH WISH
HAD BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLFRIEND.
YO, YO, YO, YO, YO.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
* LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME
YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL *
- WHOO!
- * BUT DON'T EAT TOO MUCH CAKE
THAT YOU WANNA HURL *
* YOU SAY YOU DON'T WANNA
PLAY THE GAME *
* JUST DROP IT DOWN, SISTER,
AND BLOW OUT THE FLAME *
* 'FORE YOU MAKE A WISH,
NO, I AIN'T NO MAGIC FAIRY *
* I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR CAKE
* 'CAUSE IT'S FILLED
WITH STRAWBERRY, YO *
[cheers and applause]
I JUST WANT TO TAKE THIS MOMENT
TO SAY...
- YOU'RE STILL ON MIC,
YOU'RE STILL ON MIC.
- JENNA HAMILTON,
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
- THAT MADE ONE OF US.
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
AND I HAD HOPED BEING
NEAR AN OPEN FLAME
WOULD HELP SPEED UP
THE PROCESS.
- OH, I FORGOT THE PLATES.
I'M GOING
TO HOLD ON TO THIS.
- WELL, UH, I GOTTA GO,
BUT YOU GUYS
CAN HELP YOURSELVES.
I WANTED TO LEAVE,
BUT I COULDN'T.
I HAD JUST RECEIVED
ANOTHER GIFT...
OF THE MONTHLY VARIETY.
AND SINCE TAMARA WAS THE KEEPER
OF THE BACKUP PANTS,
THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GETTING
MY HANDS ON THEM.
[bell ringing]
WELL, HOW LONG
IS A LITTLE WHILE?
- HONEY, DON'T FORCE ME
TO PUT A TIME LIMIT ON THIS.
I'M HAVING THE CARPETS CLEANED.
IT-IT'LL BE DONE WHEN IT'S DONE.
- OKAY, WELL, COME PICK ME UP,
AND I'LL HANG OUT
ON THE NON-CARPETED AREAS.
- YOU CAN'T. IT'S TOO...FUMEY.
[coughs]
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU BREATHING
IN ALL OF THESE TOXINS.
IT WILL STUNT YOUR GROWTH.
- MOM, I'M 16.
I THINK I'M KINDA DONE GROWING.
- WELL, THAT IS NOT
NECESSARILY TRUE.
MY FEET GREW 2 SIZES
AFTER I TURNED 20.
AS DID MY BOOBS.
- YEAH, BUT YOU PAID FOR THAT.
- FIND SOMETHING
TO OCCUPY YOURSELF.
I'LL BE THERE
IN A LITTLE WHILE.
[keypad tone]
[crowd cheering,
marching band plays]
- MY KNOWLEDGE OF FOOTBALL:
ZERO-POINT-ZILCH.
BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING
COMFORTING ABOUT
DISAPPEARING INTO
A SEA OF PEOPLE.
- HELLO, JENNA!
COME SIT BY ME.
- JENNA, OVER HERE!
- UM, AH,
I'M-I'M WITH A FRIEND.
- OH. IT'S COOL.
YEAH!
- HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED FOOTBALL.
- I DO, BUT I DIDN'T WANNA WASTE
THIS AWESOME OUTFIT.
- THAT IT IS.
NICE SOCKS.
- I HAD TO ADMIT, IT WAS NICE
HAVING SOMEONE TO TALK TO...
WHO WOULD ACTUALLY
TALK TO ME BACK.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
JENNA HATES FOOTBALL.
[crowd groans]
RICKY SCHWARTZ
IS A TOTAL PRICK.
- HE JUST GAVE ME DOUCHE CHILLS.
- I HAVE BEEN UNDER HIS SPELL
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
I HAVE TO ESCAPE
FROM SCHWARTZ MOUNTAIN.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
POST-GAME, THE SANCTUARY
IS A SEX PALACE.
- THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY GAME
WHERE YOU HAVE TO CALL
THE FAKE KNEEL-DOWN.
[crowd groans]
- WHY DOESN'T THE KICKER
JUST TURN AROUND
AND KICK IT TO OUR TEAM?
- WE COULD DO AN ON-SIDE KICK,
BUT THE BALL HAS TO TRAVEL
FORWARD TEN YARDS
BEFORE WE CAN RECOVER IT.
OTHERWISE, IT'S A PENALTY
FOR ILLEGAL TOUCHING.
- OH. BORED.
- HEY, WE'RE OVER HERE!
- EVEN THOUGH
I HAD APOLOGIZED,
MATTY WAS STILL TREATING ME
LIKE AN A-HOLE,
AND I DEFINITELY
LOOKED THE PART.
- OH, YOU MISSED
HALF THE GAME.
- HI.
- HEY.
- * CALIFORNIA GRAPEFRUIT,
TEXAS CACTUS *
* WE PLAY YOUR TEAM
* JUST FOR PRACTICE
- GO SADIE!
- SOMEBODY LET HAMILTON
OUT OF HER CAGE.
THIS IS A BAD OMEN.
WE ARE TOTALLY GOING TO LOSE
THIS GAME.
- OH, NICE!
DUNPHY'S SERIOUSLY ONE OF
THE BEST QUARTERBACKS WE'VE HAD.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT
AS ACCURATE AS JAMIE.
THAT'S WHAT MADE
YOUR BRO ALL-STATE, BUT...
HE'S GOT A STRONG ARM.
- YUP.
- HOW IS JAMIE?
STILL KICKING YOUR ASS?
- [chuckles]
YEAH.
AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
- NO WONDER MATTY
WAS TREATING ME LIKE A LEPER.
APPARENTLY, I'D REALLY HIT
A NERVE WHEN I GAVE HIM
A HARD TIME AT MY PARTY.
MAYBE I DESERVED TO SPEND
MY BIRTHDAY ALONE.
I HAVE TO GO.
- JENNA! WAIT, JENNA!
JENNA, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR CALLING YOU OUT
IN THE CAF.
HONESTLY, I-I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D WANT TO MISS YOUR CAKE.
LISTEN, YOU TRANSPARENT
SOCIAL CLIMBER.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
MAKE YOUR OWN FRIENDS
DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN SNAKE MINE.
THE ONLY REASON MATTY AND JAKE
CAN STAND BEING AROUND YOU
IS BECAUSE THEY FEEL
SORRY FOR YOU.
I MEAN...LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE LIKE SOMETHING A
DESPERATE CELEBRITY WOULD ADOPT
FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
CHEERS!
SORRY.
- HAVING BEEN EMOTIONALLY RAPED
BY THE DAY,
I WAS NUMB TO SADIE'S
HARSH WORDS.
OR MAYBE IT WAS THE CRUSHED ICE
MELTING IN MY BRA.
[crowd cheering]
- IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[crowd laughing]
- HEY MOM, IT'S ME.
OKAY, CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS
OR JUST COME PICK ME UP.
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,
I AM CALLING FROM HELL.
- HEY, NICE MOVES, HAMILTON.
WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- HE'S PICKING ME UP
IN HIS CHARIOT.
- [chuckles]
YOU, UH--YOU NEED A RIDE
TO THE AFTER PARTY?
- IT'S A PRIVATE PARTY.
- I'M COOL.
- MATTY'S NOT GOING EITHER,
SO HE COULD GIVE YOU A RIDE.
- THAT'S OKAY. MY MOM
SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- NAH, MCKIBBEN,
TAKE THE GIRL HOME.
- BUTT OUT, ROSATI.
SHE SAID SHE WANTS
TO WAIT FOR HER MOMMY.
DID YOU FAIL
YOUR DRIVER'S TEST?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.
- SO JUST STAY
STRAIGHT UP HERE.
- YEAH, I GOT IT.
- AND THEN JUST TAKE A--
- I KNOW WHERE
YOU LIVE.
- SO...
I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID
TO YOU AT MY PARTY.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT, OKAY?
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
TOO GOOD FOR ME.
- IT'S OKAY.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU,
BUT I DO CARE TOO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
- EVERYBODY DOES.
- THAT'S THE THING, JENNA.
YOU DON'T.
THAT'S WHY IT
BUMMED ME OUT BECAUSE...
YOU SAID IT.
IT KILLS ME THAT YOU
THINK OF ME THAT WAY.
- I DON'T.
I KNOW YOU'RE
A GOOD PERSON.
- CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S UP
WITH THOSE SOCKS?
[laughs]
- CLOWN COLLEGE.
- UH-HUH.
- I GO AT NIGHT.
- SERIOUSLY?
- I PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING
FOR GOOD LUCK,
AND NOW I AM CONVINCED
THEY'RE CURSED.
- THEN HAND THEM OVER.
COME ON.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
NO MORE BAD LUCK.
- SO YOU AND ME,
WE'RE COOL?
- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
- FRIENDS?
- TOTALLY.
- MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WISH
HAD COME BACK
TO BITE ME
IN THE ASS.
WHEN I ASKED
FOR MY FRIENDS BACK,
I SHOULD HAVE SPECIFIED
I WANTED MATTY BACK
AS THE BOYFRIEND VARIETY.
THANKS FOR THE RIDE.
- NO PROBLEM.
- OKAY.
- KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
SORRY FOR
LEAVING YOU STRANDED,
BUT YOU WILL FORGIVE ME
WHEN YOU SEE
WHAT YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT IS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
ISN'T IT PERFECT?
- YUP.
PERFECT...
FOR ENTERTAINING CLIENTS
AS A HIGHLY PAID ESCORT.
- OKAY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SUNNY.
SULTRY.
- OH.
- SORDID.
[giggles]
COOL, HUH?
I THOUGHT
IT WAS ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU HAD
A GROWN-UP BEDROOM.
OH, AND THERE'S
ONE MORE SPECIAL FEATURE.
- OH.
- COME ON.
NOW, LIE BACK.
[squeals]
[laughs]
WANNA KNOW THE BEST THING
ABOUT HAVING A MIRROR
ON YOUR CEILING?
- I CAN'T IMAGINE.
- YOU CAN DO YOUR MAKEUP
IN BED.
[gasps]
OH.
WHEN I WAS 16, I WOULD HAVE
KILLED FOR A BEDROOM LIKE THIS.
- THANKS, MOM.
- OH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WORE
ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY?
- THERE IT WAS.
MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY INSULT.
MY DAY WAS COMPLETE.
WHERE'S MY STUFF?
- I PUT IT IN THAT BOX.
NOW, I AM GONNA
TO LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
- 16 YEARS ON THE PLANET,
AND ALL I HAD TO SHOW FOR IT
WAS ONE BOX.
IT WAS TIME
FOR A VIRTUAL ESCAPE.
STRAIGHT UP PG.
SCANDALOUS.
- HEY, SEXY.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- YOU ARE MY PROBLEM.
I'VE BEEN RAGING
AGAINST MY BEST FRIEND,
AND LETTING YOU OFF
THE HOOK
WHEN YOU'RE
JUST AS GUILTY.
SO, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME,
STOP TEXTING ME,
DON'T EVER LOOK AT ME AGAIN
UNLESS YOU'RE WAITING FOR
A FLUTE CUE FROM MR. ROBOTO.
I DON'T WANT
YOUR SKINNY ASS
IN MY LIFE ANYMORE,
RICKY SCHWARTZ!
THIS FLIRTATIONSHIP IS OVER.
GAME OVER.
- YOU'RE SO HOT
RIGHT NOW.
- [sobbing]
AWESOME.
IT TOOK HER AWHILE,
BUT MOLLY RINGWALD
FIGURED IT OUT.
LESSON LEARNED.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO BE WHO YOU ARE
BECAUSE EVEN HOT GUYS
WILL LIKE YOU
IF YOU LIKE YOURSELF.
CLEARLY, I HAD BEEN GOING
ABOUT THINGS ALL WRONG.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE
ACCEPTED BY EVERYBODY ELSE
WHEN I HADN'T EVEN
ACCEPTED MYSELF?
"JENNA, AS YOU ARE NOW,
YOU COULD DISAPPEAR,
AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE."
TRUTH WAS SOMETIMES
I WANTED TO DISAPPEAR.
BUT I WASN'T GOING TO.
I THOUGHT 16
WAS SETTING ITSELF UP
TO BE THE WORST YEAR
OF MY LIFE.
BUT I WAS BORN ON 7:32 P.M.,
WHICH MEANT
I WAS STILL 15.
[knocking on door]
- I FORGOT SOMETHING.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ROOM?
- [chuckles]
MY MOTHER.
IT GETS BETTER.
- YOUR MOM DID THIS?
- DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN
BECAUSE I CAN'T.
- I LIED TO YOU
IN THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT
TO BE FRIENDS.
I WANT TO BE MORE.
- AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED,
15 COULD SUCK IT.
BECAUSE 16...WELL, IT WAS
STARTING OFF PRETTY DAMN GOOD.