Austin & Ally (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 18 - Viral Videos & Very Bad Dancing - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Okay, let's try this again.

You take the part that isn't a triangle
and hit the part that is a triangle.

- Got it?
- Shh.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was my working at my job
getting in the way of your TV show?

Yeah. That's why I
told you to "shh".

We're watching every episode
of "Crime and Judgment".

They just put out a collector's
edition of all 182 episodes.

It also came in this cool
crime solving briefcase.

Just like the one Detective
Mitchell uses on the show.



Also makes a great
picnic basket.

Yoo-hoo, team Austin and Ally!

Remember me?

How could we forget you, Val?

You're the whacko producer who tried to
trick Ally into a five year contract.

Oh, so you do remember.

Listen, I need your help.

My group, The Stray Kitties, are
one big hit away from having...

Well, one big hit.

And Ally, I want you and Austin to write
the song that's gonna put them on the map.

- We'd love to, but...
- Oh, great! Now let's talk money.

- Oh, you didn't let me finish...
- Ally, don't be rude.

The lady's talking money.

Guys, we're not gonna
write her a song.



Sorry, Val. We're just
too busy right now.

Yeah. Between working on our own music
and not really trusting you whatsoever.

It's just not gonna happen.

Okay. Well. It was worth a shot.

I wish you all the
luck in the world.

I wish you all the
luck in the world.

Isn't that coffee hot?

Oh, it's scorching. Bye-bye now.

♪ When the crowd wants more,
I bring on the thunder.

♪ 'Cause you've got my back,
and I'm not going under.

♪ You're my point,
you're my guard.

♪ You're the perfect chord.

♪ And I see our names
together on every billboard.

♪ We're headed for the
top, we've got it on lock.

♪ We'll make 'em say "hey!"

♪ And we'll keep rockin'.

♪ Oh, there's no way I
could make it without ya.

♪ Do it without ya,
be here without ya.

♪ It's no fun when
you're doing it solo.

♪ With you it's like, "whoa".
Yeah, and I know.

♪ I own this dream.

♪ 'Cause I got you with me.

♪ There's no way I could
make it without ya.

♪ Do it without ya,
be here without ya.

This song rocks.

I'm ready to put it
out as my new single.

Shouldn't your new
single have...

Lyrics?

I knew it was missing something.

Why don't you take a shot
at writing the lyrics?

Ally, last time I tried to write
by myself, it was a disaster.

So you struck out once.

You got to pick your racket back up and
hit that puck right through that hoop.

You should really avoid
sports analogies.

But maybe you're right.

I should give this another shot.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Here.

I got you your very
own song book.

- Aw, thanks, Ally.
- And look, it even has...

Don't touch my book.

I can do this.

I know you can. Just think
about your favorite things.

People you care about.
Write what you know.

Well, that rules out geography.
Because I just bombed my test.

Did you know there's
a West Virginia?

Yes. Yes I did.

182 episodes.

Done.

Totally worth not sleeping
for four straight days.

- Let's watch the whole series again!
- Woo!

Yes! "Crime and Judgment"
Marathon, round two.

No.

It would be a crime for you to sit here
watching TV for another four days.

That is my judgment.

Woo! I did it, guys. I wrote all
the lyrics to a song by myself.

I knew you could do it.

You wrote a song by yourself?

Let me just save
you the trouble.

It's not very good.

Trish, you haven't
even heard it yet.

Yeah. I think I've got a hit.

I can't believe I was so caught up in
this show I missed you writing a song.

What else did I miss?

Is there a new President? Was
there a zombie apocalypse?

I've got to call my grandma.

Dez, don't be ridiculous.

You're right. It's too late
to save her from zombies.

That motorized scooter only
goes like two miles an hour.

♪ Breaking down.

♪ So you can't hide it.

♪ No matter what you do. I'm
gonna steal your heart.

- Wow. Your song's all over the radio.
- This is so exciting.

- Thanks.
- All right, let's cut to the chase.

This song's obviously
about a girl.

"You drive me crazy"?

"Angel smile"?

Who is she?

No one. It's not about anyone.

Oh, come on. It's not about
someone who's say...

Wearing a striped shirt and picking
something out of her hair?

How'd I get a candy corn in here?
It's not even in season.

It's not about Ally. I told
you, it's not about anyone.

I just wrote the lyrics
that sounded cool to me.

I write love songs all the
time that aren't about anyone.

See?

I don't know why you're
being so secretive, Austin.

These are the kinds of things
your fans want to know about.

My fans love my music,
not the gossip.

I guarantee they don't
care who the song's about.

Okay, so maybe they do care.

Your fans aren't gonna leave you
alone until you say who it's about.

It's all over the Internet.

And these magazines.

I mean, I get "Teen
Scoop" and "Miami Music".

But "Fancy Cat"?

Well, he does have
a feline quality.

Sort of an American Longhair.

Dez, I'm not an
American Longhair.

Well, you're no Russian Blue.

This is every girl you've
ever been seen with.

Including me.

And seriously, they couldn't
find a better picture?

Look, Austin. If the song's not
about Ally, then who's it about?

We know it's about somebody.
Just give us a name.

What's her name?!

Fine. Do you want a name?

It's...

Guitarla...

Drumly.

Guitarla Drumly. We're dating.

Oh, Guitarla Drumly. How exotic.

Dez, he's not actually
dating Guitarla Drumly.

Oh.

Then can I have her number?

I like exotic girls.

I still think the
song's about you, Ally.

It's not about me. We agreed to
just be friends a long time ago.

You just shifted your
eyes to the left.

A sure sign you're
hiding something.

Now she blinked!

A definite sign she's
hiding something.

You guys have been watching way
too much "Crime & Judgment".

Now she's rolling her eyes.
Now she's shaking her head.

Now she's turning away.
Now she's walking away.

Now she's leaving.

I guess we'll never know
if the song's about her.

It's not about her.
It's about me.

Brooke. We didn't
see you come in.

I want to put the
rumors to rest.

Austin's clearly still hung up on our
epic on-again off-again romance.

More like off-again,
never-again.

You guys went on two dates.

37.

If you count the
ones in my dreams.

Look. I made a page in my
scrapbook for every date.

Wow. You two are more
serious than I thought.

There's no way it's about her.

Trust me, when they stopped dating
Austin was so relieved when she...

Disappeared.

Man, she's like a ninja.

I wouldn't rule
Brooke out just yet.

I saw them together
a few weeks ago.

I was frosting a cake at school
when I overheard them talking.

Thanks a lot, Austin.

I'll never forget this.

Well, that sounds suspicious.

All this time I thought
it was about Ally.

But that makes it
sound like Brooke.

Not so fast.

I also saw something
suspicious at the Mall.

I was frosting a cake at
"Everything's Beachy" when...

Wait a minute.

Why are you always
frosting cakes?

Oh. I got an online coupon
for a cake decorating class.

Anyway...

I'm really glad
we're doing this.

Me too. The most important thing
is that nobody finds out.

It would ruin everything.

Yeah. For now, it'll just
be our little secret.

You know, you're a
really sweet guy.

I know.

Sounds like they're hiding the
fact that they're back together.

That makes Kira
suspect number one.

You'd think. But I also saw Austin and
that European supermodel together.

- I was at Mini's...
- Let me guess. Frosting a cake?

No. I was working on little
sugar brides and grooms.

Austin Moon my boyfriend.

I love you.

I love you.

Oh my gosh, this is crazy!

I'm even more confused now
than when we started.

I know. And get this!
Just the other day...

This is the best
cake I've ever had.

Thanks, buddy.

What up?

Wait. What does that have
to do with anything?

Nothing. I just wanted you to know
I make a pretty mean wedding cake.

We know you were with Brooke,
Kira, and the European model.

The song's got to be
about one of them.

Just tell us who.

I'm not saying anything.

Look. We could be
here all night.

Actually, I got to be home by 7:00.
My mom's making pork chops.

Why are you guys
interrogating him?

We've seen 182 episodes
of "Crime & Judgment".

This is how you get answers.

I have a question
that needs answering.

Why did Austin steal my song?

- Huh?
- Say what now?

I wrote the song "Steal Your
Heart," then Austin stole it.

Well, the song. Not my heart.

What? No, I didn't.

Wow. We knew you were
missing a few screws, lady,

but we didn't know you
lost the whole toolbox.

Oh, don't act so innocent.

You three helped him
steal the song.

What?

That is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard.

A Judge will be the
Judge of that.

- What?
- What are you talking about?

What's a subpoena?

You're suing us for stealing
"Steal Your Heart?"

You're just doing this to get revenge
because we wouldn't write you a song.

Maybe. A Judge will
be the Judge of that.

You already said that.

See you in court.

This is bad.

If Austin's fans think he stole
the song, his career is over.

And I'm talking playing for
pennies on the street over.

Change your name and move
to North Dakota over.

There's a North Dakota?

We really need to get you a map.

Order. Order.

I hereby call to order
case number 4284.

The matter of...

Ooh, a stolen song.

Ooh! Austin Moon.

This is going to be
better than I thought.

Trish, are you sure
you're ready for this?

Hey. I've watched 182 episodes
of "Crime & Judgment".

If that doesn't qualify me to
represent us, then what does?

I don't know. Maybe three
years of law school,

a few internships,
passing the Bar Exam.

I got this.

Trish De La Rosa for the
defense, your honor.

My client's innocent.

He wrote the song in question.

Also objection, overruled,
sidebar, recess,

- habeas corpus.
- Excuse me?

Just proving I know
what I'm doing, Sir.

And I am here to prove that I wrote
the song and Austin Moon is a thief.

This is getting good. Let's
get this trial started.

Ms. Crawford, do you have any evidence
to prove you wrote this song?

I do, your honor. And I'll show you that
evidence by calling my first witness.

Dez, I couldn't help but
notice you carry a briefcase.

Is that new?

Yep. Just like the one Detective
Mitchell uses in "Crime & Judgment".

- Got it a few weeks ago.
- Interesting.

Because it's just like the one I had
before it went missing a few weeks ago.

Well, this one is mine.

It even has a notebook
with your name on it,

a driver's license with
your name on it...

The lyric sheet to "Steal Your
Heart" with your name on it.

Hey.

Oh, snap.

Val just busted you.

Ahem! I mean, proceed.

- How did I get all your stuff?
- You stole my briefcase!

Your honor, these are my handwritten
lyrics that prove I wrote the song.

That's pretty
compelling evidence.

Objection! She's lying
and we can prove it.

Can we prove it?

Actually...

I think I can.

Your honor, I would like
to submit the book I

gave Austin to write
"Steal Your Heart" in.

If you open it, you'll
find that it is...

Completely blank.

I didn't write it in the book.
I wrote it on a napkin.

It's right here in my pants.

Which my mom apparently washed.

Mr. Moon, if you can't
offer any real evidence,

I'll have no choice but to
rule in favor of Ms. Crawford.

What are we going to do?

Austin, if you come clean and tell
the court who the song is about,

maybe we can convince the
Judge you didn't steal it.

But it's not about anybody.

I know that's not true.

And since you won't tell me,
I'll prove it another way.

Judge, I'd like to
call my first witness.

Your honor, it's pretty
obvious the song in

question was written
about a special girl.

And I'm gonna prove
who that girl is.

Brooke, three weeks ago Austin
gave you flowers at school.

Did he not?

Well...

Not exactly.

Here's what happened.
We were in school...

Did you get my flowers?

Brooke, I told you.
I'm not interested.

I can't take these.

Thanks a lot, Austin.

I'll never forget this.

Okay. So the song's
not about Brooke.

Uh. We don't know that for sure.

He's not into you.

Move on.

Can you describe the nature of
your relationship with Austin?

Austin Moon my boyfriend.

You hear that?

They've even been spotted
saying "I love you" in public.

I love you.

I object!

Me too! We're not in love.

I've been giving her
English lessons.

I love you.

I love you.

I love pancakes.

I love pancakes.

- Boom.
- Boom.

Next witness.

- I love you.
- Yeah yeah yeah. I love you too.

Get off the stand.

It's come to my attention that
you and Austin have a secret.

Is this true?

Um...

Yes, that's true.

Order.

Finally. Now, tell the court what
secret you and Austin are hiding.

I can't say.

Austin's reputation
depends on it.

I really can't tell you.

Remember, Miss Starr,
you're under oath.

Now spill the juicy deets.

Fine. I was helping Austin get Maroon
5 to play at Ally's surprise party.

Aw.

You guys are throwing
me a surprise party?

Not anymore.

Oh man.

Oh, this is a waste
of time, your honor.

Trish hasn't proven anything.

She's just stalling because
she doesn't have a case.

I'm afraid she's right, Mr.
Moon.

I have no choice but to
rule in favor of Ms...

Wait!

- Don't make your decision yet.
- You have new evidence to introduce?

Oh no, I was just in the bathroom.
I didn't want to miss anything.

Your honor, before you make your ruling,
I have one more piece of evidence.

Austin, I'd like you to
sing "Steal Your Heart".

Ooh! That's my jam.

How is this gonna help?

Just do it. You have
to trust Trish.

And the writers of
"Crime & Judgment" who

taught her everything she
knows about the law.

Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-
-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

I object.

How is this relevant?

I don't know. But I want
to see Austin perform.

Now, while Austin gets ready,
let's take a 15 minute recess.

Yay, recess. Meet you
on the monkey bars.

Hit it.

♪ You're a good girl.

♪ The perfect picture of an
Angel's smile, from a magazine.

♪ But it's a new world.

♪ And I know somewhere there's a
side of you no one's ever seen.

♪ Hey now, baby!

♪ No doubt about it,
girl you drive me crazy.

♪ I'm pleading guilty
to the way you make me.

♪ Want to steal your heart.

♪ Steal your heart.

♪ Call me criminal.

♪ I won't deny you
make me want it all.

♪ Everything you are.

♪ So lock it up!
Go on and try it.

♪ No matter what you do I'm
gonna steal your heart.

♪ I confess.

♪ I kind of like it
that you're innocent.

♪ Keeping up your guard.
I'm breaking down!

♪ So you can't hide it!

♪ No matter what you do I'm
gonna steal your heart.

Well, there's your proof, Sir.

That he's a great
singer and dancer?

We knew that already.

No.

Now we know who Austin
wrote the song about.

We do?

Yes.

When he sang, he looked at
every girl in the room.

Except one.

There's an obvious explanation.

It was too emotional for him.

Austin wrote the
song about Ally.

Order in the court.

Um, your honor, may I
approach the witness stand?

You already have, so... yes.

Austin, is it true?

You wrote it about me?

Yeah, it's true.

I should have told you
earlier, but I couldn't.

You told me to write about someone
I care about and that's you.

Do you still have
feelings for me?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

All I know is I love
being friends with you.

And I don't want to ruin that.

That's why I couldn't
say it was about you.

Aw.

I get it.

I'm happy we're still just friends,
but I kind of hoped it was about me.

Aw.

Ewe!

Your honor, this proves nothing.

After seeing that performance and
watching these two together,

nothing can convince me
Austin didn't write the song.

But wait wait, your honor.

What about the briefcase?

Anyone who saw episode 73 of
"Crime & Judgment" knows,

the briefcases could
have been switched.

That is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard.

A Judge will be the
Judge of that.

What?

What's a subpoena?

You watch "Crime
& Judgment" too?

All eight seasons.

Case dismissed.

♪ I confess.

♪ I kind of like it
that you're innocent.

♪ Keeping up your guard.
I'm breaking down.

♪ So you can't hide it.

♪ No matter what you do I'm
gonna steal your heart.

I order the evidence
to be presented again.

Your honor, I've already
sung it eight times.

I told you...

It was my jam.

Hit it, Ally.

♪ Girl, you drive me crazy.

♪ I'm pleading guilty
to the way you make me.

♪ Want to steal your heart.

♪ Steal your heart.

♪ Call me criminal.

♪ I won't deny you
make me want it all.

♪ Everything you are.

♪ So lock it up.

♪ Go on and try it.

♪ No matter what you do I'm
gonna steal your heart.