Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 6 - How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying - full transcript

I love being.

[Crowd cheering]

But my friend Olivia
has bigger dreams.

Olivia majored in journalism
back when people

gave a crap
about newspapers.

Today's headline... tiny
Korean chick rejected again,

friend offers
sincere support.

I should just give up.

You really should.

Hey, Olivia, I can
cheer you up.

Remember that baby
bird I rescued?



I named him Lancelot.

Look what
I taught him to do.

[Whistling]

Dee Dee, if some old lady tries
to give you an apple,

you turn that bitch down.

It took me 3 weeks to
nurse him back to health.

Now he thinks
I'm his mommy.

Can you say, "mommy"?

Say, "mommy, mommy,
mommy, mama."

Say, "mama."

[Screeches]

Well, now he can't.

hey, did you guys hear
about the Hooters

that's opening
down route 10?



Hooters?
Mm-hmm.

Please.

I'm gonna open
a bar called wieners.

And all the waiters would
have to wear a speedo

with just the tip of their wiener
sticking out of the top.

Nobody wants
to see penis cleavage.

Especially
at my eye level.

Look, guys,
the bottom line is

we have to
compete with Hooters.

So Jerry and I were
talking and I came up

with a little idea for the uniforms
that he thought was brilliant.

You're going to look
great in that, Rick.

Look, I know you think that these
objectify women and they do,

but that's our business
plan, so just go for it.

What makes this worse

is that my cousins in
Korea probably made this.

Yeah.

I am buying this for you

because it took me
so long to get them.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation

about your new uniforms and I can
understand why you don't like them.

But from a marketing point
of view, they make sense.

I'm not doing
a porno movie.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a partner
in a marketing firm.

Tim Cornick.

Cornick and Chung.

Oh, wow.

Are you guys hiring?

Are you looking?

No, but my roommate is and
she majored in journalism.

Ooh, that's rough.

No, but she's really smart.

And she's Asian,
so Chung will have

someone to play
pai gaw poker with.

I think we are looking
for a copywriter.

I'd be happy
to get her an interview

if you'd let me
take you out to dinner.

Wow. That is
an unethical proposal.

So, naturally, I'm in.

Dee Dee, what are you doing?

Making myself
look bigger.

Why don't you
just eat something?

I was reading online

that it seems
like a-face

may have
a dominance problem.

Dee Dee, he's a cat.

Cat's kill birds.

A-face is going to have
to find some way

to live in harmony
with Lancelot.

That thing lived?

Yes, but he's going to
have major trust issues.

And I don't think he's going
to be able to have kids.

Chelsea, thank you so much
for getting me this interview.

I am happy to sleep
your way to the top.

I just hope you
find a job you love.

I love working
at the flower shop.

I love the smell.
I love my smock.

I don't even mind that I'm
cold and wet all the time.

I just pretend I'm working
in a dog's nose.

Dee Dee, if you ever
decide to drop acid,

please make sure I'm there.

You know what?

I haven't had a prospect
this promising in 2 years.

I'm so nervous.

On "the apprentice"
the interview is always

the most important part.
We should practice.

Here, Chelsea, you
and I will be hr people.

I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

And I'll be Mrs.
take-it-in-the-bottom.

Oh, you. Ok.

Now, miss pack, out of all
the qualified applicants,

what makes you think we should
hire you as assistant copywriter?

Mrs. Wiggenbottom,
may I interrupt?

Oh, yes, of course you may.

Miss pack, are any of your
friends dating Tim Cornick?

Yes.
You've got the job.

That's not how it works.

I mean, is that you got your
job, Mrs. take-it-in-the bottom?

Yep.

And my name.

Chelsea: That night I
went out with Tim Cornick.

Because I was doing
this to help Olivia,

I really turned
on the charm.

I just have to warn you, I am
a world class armpit farter.

I was the youngest of 5 kids,

so I was always
looking for attention.

I was a ham, too.

Do you want me to burp
the alphabet for you?

Waiter, we need
a sparkling water, asap.

Oh, hey, Olivia
had her interview today.

Do you know how she did?

She sailed through
the first round.

Flying colors.

First round?

Yeah, these jobs
are so competitive.

There's a whole
series of interviews.

You know, she has to go
through the process.

But, don't worry,
I've got her back.

Ok.

Ahem.

Is that...

What?

Listen.

What is it?

It's butterfly kisses.

Oh.

It's about a father who
puts his daughter to bed

and gives her
butterfly kisses...

With his eyelashes.

And the last verse is
the girl's wedding day

and the mom is putting
baby's breath in her hair.

And her dad is giving
her butterfly kisses.

You know, and he's just like this
big... he's like a big clunky guy.

And he loves his
daughter so much.

You know, it's...

Do you have a daughter?

Oh, no. I just... I love
the idea of it.

[No audio]

I don't understand
what's going on here.

Shh!

Are you kidding me?

Listen to the words.

Oh, God, my phone
is vibrating.

Who knows why
it isn't lighting up?

You know, it's work.

I have to take this. Hello?

Oh, my God!

Well, I'm on
a really fun date,

but I guess
I'll come right in.

What is it?

One of my fellow
cocktail waitresses,

missy, got into
a car accident.

Oh. Is she ok?

No, she died!

I have to go cover for her.

I know that if I died,
she would cover for me.

I mean, she would have.

Obviously, you know,
she can't now but...

Thank you
so much for dinner.

I gotta go.

That's awful.

Let me pay and I'll
drive you over there.

In a car?

Too soon.

Hey, what are
you doing here?

I thought you were on
your date with Tim Cornick.

Girl, you know I would
do anything for you.

I will give you
a bikini wax

when you're
low on funds,

but I will
not date a cry baby.

Did you do
something scary in bed?

No, we were at dinner.

He heard a country song.

Oh, well, then he was
probably just trying

to seem sensitive
to get you into bed.

He didn't know
he could just ask.

Ha ha.

No, he's like a really
sensitive guy.

I think he was
menstruating.

Chels, listen, most
girls would love a guy

who's emotionally
available enough to cry.

You're more like a dude.

Yeah, if that means
I don't lose it

in front of people, then, yeah,
I guess I'm like a dude.

And your deep voice
scares my mother.

Thanks.

Well, it doesn't
matter anyways.

Come on, you've got to keep
dating Tim Cornick.

I need this job.

I need to pay off
my student loans.

I need to not be wearing
footballs on my boobs.

Baseballs are still available.

Hey, Rick, have you
checked your email lately?

No. Why?
What's up?

Jerry wants us to wear
new uniforms, too.

What?
What are they?

I don't know.

You know, I really hope we
don't have to wear suspenders.

It's like wearing a sign that
says, "pick me up, drunk man."

I wonder what
the new uniforms are.

I wonder why Jerry would leave
his BlackBerry on the bar.

You sent the email?

Yeah. Wait till you
see these uniforms.

Unlike your education, some
things are worth the money.

Oh, no, it's Tim Cornick.

He can't see me
like this.

Ok. Go. But for God's sakes,
keep the music upbeat.

Hey, don't ask.

Chelsea, I hope I didn't do
anything to turn you off.

I'm kind of an emotional guy.

You're not like most marketing
executives, are you, Tim?

Well, I'm the creative one.

My partner handles
the business stuff.

You know? I do the heart.
He does the head.

Oh.

What's his number?

Hey, by the way, I am so
sorry about your friend.

But everyone seems to be doing ok.

Oh, missy.

She didn't actually die.

She just lost a foot.

Oh, really?

That's still sad and
everyone seems upbeat.

No, well, people saw her making
fun of other people with one foot,

so everyone thought
she kind of deserved it.

Wow, karma.

Yeah.

You know that song
"karma chameleon"?

By heart, don't need a reminder.

Ok.

But when do I get to
take you out again?

Please?

Tomorrow night.

Great.

How about one butterfly
kiss for the road?

Ok.

Chelsea: While Olivia's
interview process was grueling.

She was trying her
best to stand out.

[Grunting]

- Aah!
- Ha ha ha!

And I tried my hardest
not to put out.

Since I was forced to be with him,

I actually started
to feel for the guy.

His raw emotion made me feel
protective toward him,

as Dee Dee was toward the
now half-eaten Lancelot.

Or maybe it was just the 6 shots
of vodka before the main course.

Hit me again.

Chelsea, I feel like we're
becoming best friends,

but you're not that into me.

Oh, believe me, Tim,
we are not best friends.

But we're not lovers either
and I don't blame you.

Nobody wants to make love with me.

Mmm.

I have sleep apnea.

You know?
I'm allergic to everything.

The last woman I was with,
right in the middle of our intimacy

she said, "this is a mistake."

"You can finish,
but this is a mistake."

No.

So I finished, you know.

I haven't been with anybody

in 18 months and I am so lonely.

Tim, you are such a great guy.

You know, any woman would
be lucky to be with you.

You don't want to be with me.

Of course I do.

You do?
Yeah.

Oh, Chelsea, you have no
idea what that means to me.

Yeah, but... but...
But not tonight.

Because I have
had so much to drink,

I'm afraid that I won't
be able to get it open.

I love that you
are sharing with me.

Hey, can I get another shot?

I don't know what to do, Dee Dee.

If I were you, I'd get a job
where you wear a shirt.

No, I'm talking about Tim Cornick.

We're both having guy problems.

What?

Mr. Kitty.
He's a real handful.

But we love them, right?

Chelsea, I've got good news!

- You got the job?
- Yes!

I still have to pick up
shifts at the bar,

but I get to work sitting down

and you get to break up
with Tim Cornick.

No, I can't.

He was so sad last night

that I got drunk and
promised to sleep with him.

- What?
- Yeah.

And if I turn him down now,

it'll totally break his heart.

But if you make love with him,
he's going to want to marry you.

Well, if I do have sex with him,

at least we can use
his tears as lubricant.

This is unacceptable.

So it objectifies you.

This is our new business plan.

This is why I quit footlocker.

Wow. Todd is really packing.

Yeah.

Yeah, the gods of proportion

have such mixed feelings about him.

All right, you know
what? That's it.

I'm calling Jerry and I
am telling him we're not

going to wear these
uniforms anymore.

Yeah, neither are we.

Yeah, I mean, what's
he going to do?

Is he going to fire all of us?

No. This is demeaning, it's wrong,

and we're not going
to do it anymore.

You go, girl.
Thanks.

Jerry!

It's Rick.

Yeah, well, I'm just standing here

in the tightest little outfit
and I thought I'd give you a call.

Yeah, never mind.

You did this?

Why should I be having all the fun
in the totally degrading uniform?

At least yours is sexy, all right?

There's no girl in her
right mind that will

want to sleep with me
looking like this.

Because you look disgusting.

And people don't want to sleep
with people who look disgusting.

I never used the word
disgusting, ok?

And, hey, for the record,
it's a little cold in here.

[Clears throat]

Not over here.

Chelsea: That night to protect
Tim Cornick's tender heart,

we worked overtime
to make me so repulsive

that he would rather
go home and have sex with

himself than have sex with me.

Ooh, your grandmother
had some ugly stuff.

Ooh, what's this?

That is an actual douche bag.

Neat.

Hey, Rick's birthday is coming up.

We can use this to ice his cake.

Have you guys seen a-face?

No, why?

Lancelot passed away.

Oh, Dee, I'm sorry.

It's for the best.

The vet said he could save him,

but in the end he'd be
more machine than bird.

Do you think I should
let a-face eat him?

What?

Well, he's already dead

and a-face wanted him really bad.

I think that's a great idea.

Circle of life, Dee Dee.

Super. I'll get him
out of the freezer.

Whoa, check it out,
there's a wig in here.

He's already seen
your real hair, Chelsea.

Oh, girl, this is not for my head.

Welcome to where I have sex.

You're going to like it.

A lot of guys have.

Are you crying?

Oh, no. My eyes are just itchy.

Tim...

Before we make love...

There's a little shameful secret
that I need to share with you.

If you want to spank me,

I will pull my
pants down right now.

No. Just keep your pants on.

I have spider veins...
Hundreds of them.

Look.

I'm so happy you have a flaw.

You're actually so intimidating.

Let me caress them.

Don't do that.

I guess I should
take my clothes off.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, don't rush.

I want to enjoy every minute.

Let's just snuggle, you
know, and see what pops up.

Oh.

[Moaning]

No, it's just so hot, I just...

Let me take my clothes off first.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Ohh.

You are exactly what I pictured.

This is who you pictured?

You are the most earthy, natural,

beautiful woman that
I have ever seen.

And that is coming from
a huge Janice Joplin fan.

So...

Chelsea: No matter what I did,
Tim accepted me for who I was.

So I came up with
a lie that would remove me

from the situation
with grace and dignity.

Tim, I have herpes.

So do I!

Oh, I'm so relieved.

I didn't know how to tell you.

But now I don't even have to
worry if I get an outbreak!

Ha ha ha!

Chelsea: Holy crap!

After years of dodging
the herpes bullet,

I was not going to
go down like this.

But then help came from
an unexpected place.

[Meowing]

- You have a cat?
- Yeah.

No wonder my eyes
have been watering!

Ah-choo! Ohh.

I'm deathly allergic.

Really?
Yeah.

Are you really attached
to that cat?

So attached.

It was my grandmother's cat.

And when she died,

on her deathbed she said,

"Chelsea, I am putting
my soul into this cat.

"And then when he dies,

"you have to put his
soul into another cat.

In short you must always
have a cat."

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

We could never get married.

We could never live together.

Ohh. This is so tragic.

I guess this is good-bye.

Can I have one
butterfly kiss for the road?

Good-bye, Chelsea.

Good-bye, Tim Cornick.

Don't call.
Don't come to the bar.

Just let me heal
for the rest of my life.

Maybe one day
medical science will...

Hey, Chels. ♪

Hey, man.

So are you glad to be back
in your old uniform?

Yeah, thanks for talking to Jerry.

Hey, you're welcome.

You know, if you would
have listened to me

in the first place,
I wouldn't have had

to humiliate you to make my point.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Ha ha. Thank you.

Hey, you know what else is good?

This lock I bought
for the stereo cabinet.

Why would I care about that?

Well...

[Country music playing]

Man, I hope that's
not stuck on repeat.

Hey, have a good shift, Chels.

This won't be good
for business.

They just don't write
them like this anymore.