Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - Dee Dee's Pillow - full transcript

♪

And I said,
"oh, they're fresh.

That Peruvian lilly just
pinched my patootie."

Oh, she laughed so hard,
she forgot to pay.

So my boss
had her arrested.

I had somebody walk out
on the check the other day.

I chased him two blocks
down first street.

Did you catch him?

No. He actually fell
into a manhole.

No matter how many
cartoons you see,

you do not see that coming.



Why do they call them
manholes?

Why can't they call them
woman holes?

This is so much fun,
hanging out, just the girls.

Usually you two disappear
into your bedrooms with guys

and I have to play
the geography game.

What's the geography game?

Well, when I hear noises
coming from your bedrooms,

I turn them into places.

Like, oh! Oh!
Oh-maha.

And, ooh! Ooh!
Uzbekistan.

I can't always do it, though.

I still haven't found a place
that starts with deeper.

Do you ever wish you had
someone to sleep with,

not for sex, just to
cuddle with, in bed?



I'm gonna tell you guys a secret,

but you have to promise
to never ever tell anyone.

Promise.
Sure.

I have a friend.
I bought it when I was 16.

I bought mine when I was 14.

But then my mom noticed
my trash can was full of batteries

and I was back to idling
on my brother's moped.

His name is Mario Lopez.

That's a pillow.

I know.
But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

How far do you go
with him, Dee Dee?

All the way to sleep.

That might be the cutest
thing I've ever heard.

I'm not like you, Chelsea.

I don't have a ton of boyfriends,
or many friends at all.

And, Olivia, you could
have more friends,

but I don't think you want to.
I think it's because

you have a deeply held belief
that most human beings are stupid.

Oh, my God, she can see
into my soul.

Have you named anything else
in your room, Dee?

I had a David Hasselhoff blanket,

but it got old and fell apart.

here you go, Melvin.

Oh, thanks, Todd.

So, what's on tap
for you today, Melvin?

Well, I already showered, shaved,

read the paper, sipped my coffee,

and tried to figure out what the hell
race that weather girl is on TV.

Almond eyes, freckles,
and kinky hair.

But you put it all
together... beautiful.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You must be talking about, um,
Shaniqua kawasaki mcmurphy.

Hey, could you guys do me a favor?

I really don't want to
talk to Chelsea about this.

It's kind of a guy thing.

I'm flattered that you think

I'm more masculine than she is.

Well, I haven't really
dated since my wife died.

I think I met someone
that I want to ask out.

I'm a little rusty.

The last time I asked someone out,

my hair was black
and the president wasn't.

You know, that's great, Melvin.

Hey, you need some wingmen?

Oh, would you?
Yeah, we'd be honored.

Ah. She's really pretty,
and younger than me.

And she's a singer at a nightclub,

so I figured she was
out of my league,

but she was really nice to me.

I'm not a great tipper.

Yeah, we know.
Yeah, we know.

Hey, guys.
Hey, what's up?

- Hey, dad.
- Oh, hi, Chelsea.

No one will ever take
your mother's place.

Dad, it's ok to want Shaniqua kawasaki
mcmurphy without feeling guilty.

Ohh... thank you.

'Cause I really like when she says,
"we're expecting 7 inches."

Well, look at you. You look all happy.
Got a new guy?

No. I had a girls night
with Dee Dee and Olivia.

Oh, a girls night, huh? Ok.

You guys get in one of
those disagreements

where slapping turns into kissing?

Yes, Rick. And then
we oiled up and scissored.

We just stayed up telling stories
till like 4:30 in the morning.

Dee Dee is so cute.

I don't know when
she escaped from Narnia, but...

I hope she never goes back.

Did she tell you that story

where she nursed
a baby spider back to health?

Well, it was only fair.
I mean, she vacuumed up his mother.

Did she tell you her pillow story?

What, the Mario Lopez pillow?

What? No, no,
I'm talking about pillow,

her fat persian cat
who committed suicide.

What is the Mario Lopez pillow?

I can't. Even though it's
the most adorable thing

I've ever heard in my life.

What... now you have to.
Come on.

[Sighs]

Ok. But you cannot tell Dee
Dee that I told you, though.

All right, you know Mario Lopez?

Yeah, of course. I was
a huge "saved by the bell" fan.

I used to have a tube sock
I called tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

That makes me want to screech.

Hey.
Howdy, neighbor.

Doing my colors.

Just did my whites.

Olivia said she was
gonna do a dark load,

then she just disappeared into
her bedroom with Deshawn.

No, no, no.

Dee Dee, that's not what...

So I heard you had a lot of fun
with your roommates last night.

I had a blast. We were
clucking like a bunch of hens.

I can't thank you enough for
introducing me to Chelsea and Olivia.

Ah, I knew you guys
would hit it off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is going on there?

I'm just folding my shirts.
You've never seen that before?

No. Do it again.

All right.

Whoa. That shirt's not
made out of cotton,

it's made out of husband material.

Oh, oh, Dees, guess what.

You're never gonna
believe this, all right?

My cousin Brian,
he drives a limo around New York,

and guess who he's
driving around this week.

- Who.
- Mario Lopez.

Isn't that weird?

Why would it be weird?

And why would I even care
about Mario Lopez?

Well, uh... come on.

You know, I mean,
all ladies are totally into Mario.

Don't get me wrong,
I don't swing that way, but...

If I was going to be
saved by anyone's bell...

They told you.
They told you about my pillow.

No, no, no, Dee. Nobody told me
anything. It's just a coincidence.

Well, how do you know
it's a coincidence, then?

That's another coincidence.

Oh! Stop looking at me.
Please just go. Go!

I'll clean your lint traps.
Just go!

All right.

Chelsea!

Ok. Somehow Dee Dee found out

that I know about
her Mario Lopez pillow.

Oh, somehow, you gossipy old woman!

Look, look, I wasn't thinking, ok?

My cousin Brian's driving
Mario Lopez around this week.

It just came out.

All right, gabbing with Dee Dee
about Mario Lopez,

it sounds like you just came out.

Look, I'm sorry, ok?

But seriously,
I've never seen Dee Dee this upset.

I had to rush up here and warn you.

Well, you had time to fold your
t-shirts like they do at the gap.

That is actually
a really efficient method.

It'll totally change your life.

Ok.
Get out.

[Door closes]

You told Rick?

He guessed.

He guessed that she sleeps
with a Mario Lopez pillow?

All right, just back me up.

I'd be pissed if I wasn't so excited
to see what Dee Dee looks like

when she gets mad.

Hey, did you guys see outside?

There's a rainbow.

Who wants lemonade?

Wow!

I don't think I should
drink that lemonade.

Thanks.

Hey. Penny for your thoughts?

I feel terrible.
I somehow got Dee Dee upset,

and now Chelsea's mad at me.

Another penny if you stop
dumping all your problems on me?

[Cell phone rings]
Oh, right.

Brian. Hey, yeah, thanks
for calling me back.

Listen, do you think
that you could ask Mario Lopez

to come meet a friend of mine?
It'd be a huge favor.

Are you kidding me?
Mario Lopez

is the busiest guy
in show business.

He doesn't have a second to spare.

Driver, could we stop
at a pharmacy, please?

I need some more
whitening toothpaste.

Always a pleasure to help you with
your important work, Mr. Lopez.

[Mouthing]

What was that all about?

Mario Lopez needs
whitening toothpaste.

Finally someone says
what we're all thinking.

Dee Dee?

Can I come in, please?

Well, I'm kind of super busy
rolling my socks.

Can I help?

That's ok, I like to roll my own.

Me, too.

Look...

I feel really bad,
and I just want to apologize.

I truly didn't mean to tell Rick.

He was talking about
pillow the persian cat

and I thought he knew about
the Mario Lopez pillow, so...

Chelsea, you don't have to
apologize for anything.

Come on, Dee Dee,
I know you're mad.

No, I'm not mad.
I'm very happy.

I'd just like to spend some
time alone folding laundry

and listening to music from
the "one Tree Hill" soundtrack.

Look, Dee Dee,
I betrayed your trust.

You're... look...

Hit me with this pillow.

Oh, no, thanks.

No, no, come on. My sister and I
would hit each other with pillows

when we were mad all the time
and it made us feel better.

No, I'm not gonna hit you.

It doesn't even hurt.
Look. See?

And you get all the anger out.

Ok, what if I hit you first? No.

Ooh!

Uh-oh.

Come on, you've gotta
be mad at me now.

No.
It doesn't itch that much.

Hey, guys.
Fresh popcorn, anyone?

What's going on with your eye?

Just a little twitch.
It started a couple days ago.

No big deal.

Dee Dee, you look like

you're trying to send
a message in a P.O.W. Video.

We're worried about you.

If you keep holding everything in,

one of these days
you're gonna explode.

Dee, you have to get angry
about something.

Your neck, your eye, me, anything.

You know what, Chelsea? My dad always
said, nobody likes a complainer.

[Giggles] As long as you got a roof
over your head and a pot to piddle in,

you got nothing to complain about.

Good lord, has she been
piddling in a pot?

媻 for the first time
in history ♪

♪ it's gonna start
rainin' men, yeah ♪

♪ it's rainin' men

♪ hallelujah,
it's rainin' men ♪

♪ amen, it's rainin' men

[man's voice] You boys all right?
You need another drink?

Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.

We're good.

媻 it's rainin' men

[cheering]

See? What'd I tell you?

Uh, about this much less
than we needed to know.

That's Sandy. That's the one
I've been telling you about.

She's pretty much
the whole package.

Package is the right word.

I'm just gonna go say hi.

Holy crap. He has no idea
that she's a dude.

What the hell are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Oh, hi.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
he's hugging her.

Well, he's gonna
find out now for sure.

[Chuckling]

Well, I noticed a little
something when we were hugging

that made me put the brakes on.

Well, it's better
that you find out now, Melvin.

I missed the big fat wedding ring.

Well, hey, [Indistinct].

Ahh, it's ok.

God, she smelled great.

Tropical.

Bananas. Coconuts.

Hey. There's Maxine.

She's got a real smoky voice.

So your problem is
that Dee Dee's not mad at you.

That's very stupid,
Chelsea, even for you.

She's really repressing
her feelings.

Good. We need more repression.
And shame. And guilt.

Then maybe we wouldn't see
Lindsay Lohan's parent trap

every time she hopped out
of a suburban.

Hi, Dee.

Oh, dear God.

Hey, sloane.
Where's the baby?

Oh, she went to a rave
with a bunch of her friends

from fire island.

That's funny, 'cause she's a baby.

Honey, what happened to your face?

You look like 3 Judy Blume
novels all wrapped into one.

I can't complain.

But if you could,
what would you say?

I have to get up, Chelsea.
I need my ice helmet.

- What, for your neck?
- No, my migraine.

No, just... we'll get it.

Lay back down.

She's got serious problems.

She needs to learn how
to express herself,

like Madonna
on the blond ambition tour.

No, she's gotta learn how to fight.

You can't teach somebody
how to fight.

Yes, you can.
The same way we learned,

by watching mom throw
a waffle iron at dad.

Guys? Ice helmet?

Yeah, we'll be right there.

Ok. I'm starting to see spots.

What should we fight about?

We'll say that you said you'd
babysit and you didn't show up.

Yeah, because it just happened
last night. Ooh! She'll buy that.

Ok, save that anger for the show.

- Thanks, Chelsea.
- Ahh...

Ohh! Which one are you,
snap, crackle, or pop?

Anyway, I said I was sorry
for last night, sloane.

Well, sorry doesn't babysit
my child from 5:00 to 7:00

while I have a church function.

You two need some privacy.

No.
No, sit down.

We're working through an issue.

Oh, ok.
So where were we? Um, right.

Well, I think you ask me
to babysit too much.

Well, I think you are an alcoholic.

Everyone does.

Well, what about your clothes?

Are you trying
to look unattractive?

Why not just cut a hole
in a circus tent or a beach ball?

You bought me this cardigan,
you idiot.

As a joke. You weren't
supposed to wear it.

Oh, really? Now you're
buying me joke clothes?

How many things
can you waste your money on?

You smoke it,
you drink it, you suck it.

Oh, love this song.
Play it again.

I'm going to pick up my kid, ok?

Oh, we're finished, all right.
No, we're not finished yet.

Good luck, speed racer.

Hey, guys. I want you
to meet my friend Chuck.

Chuck, this is my daughter Chelsea.

- Hi. Hi, I'm Rick. Nice to meet you.
- Hey. Todd.

Guess who he is.

Uh... I'm sorry.
You look familiar,

but I can't really
put my finger on it.

Chuck is Sandy,

the lady singer
from the other night.

She's a fella.
Can you believe it?!

Did you guys take my dad
to a female impersonator bar?

He took us, actually.

They had great steaks.

Plus Chuck's act is fantastic.

Oh, thanks. Hey,
this is just a hunch,

but if you're ever interested in
doing a little Sonny and Cher...

You know, you're not
gonna believe this,

but that is not the first time
I've received that offer.

Honestly, this guy's a riot,

and we have so much in common.

We're both Red Sox fans,
we both love hockey,

and to boot, he's got
a wife and 5 kids.

Listen, it was nice
meeting you all.

I gotta run, buddy. I gotta pick
up a dress from the dry cleaners.

We still on for the
rangers game tomorrow?

You bet your confusing ass.

Hey. How's it going with Dee Dee?

She's never been angrier or nicer.

And I think she has scurvy now.

Huh? You know what? I tried to
get my cousin to ask Mario Lopez

if he'd come by and say hi
to Dee Dee, but I don't know,

he wouldn't even ask him.

Well, it's probably better, anyway.
She looks horrible now.

If I brought the real
Mario Lopez over,

she would pop her cork.

Wait a minute.

She needs to pop her cork.

Give me your cousin's number.

You think you can just smile
and get whatever you want?

All right, let me try it again.
Do you think you can

just rub up against a guy
and get whatever you want?

Thanks.
No? Ok, I'll give you the number.

[Knock on door]
That's him.

Hey, Dee.

Could you, uh,
could you get the door?

I'm kind of far away and my face
hurts when I walk, but sure.

Hi. Hello, ladies.

You must be Dee Dee, right? I'm...

Mario Lopez. No way. No way.

I can't believe you're here.

Chelsea, did you do this?

Did you have Mario Lopez
come here on the day

I look the worst I've ever
looked in my entire life?

Yep.

Thank you.

I think you look great.
Really. I do.

Would you like to take
a picture with me?

Ok.

Let's do this.
Here we go.

Thanks.

Hey, Dee Dee, listen.
If you can get me a doctor's note

that proves you're dying,
I'll hook you up

and totally put
our picture on "extra."

Oh, no, no.
She's not dying.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

That must be my 4:00 appointment.

Wait a minute.

Oh, they canceled.

Ooh, that can't be good.

I can't believe she's still
holding it together.

Just wait.

Um, Dee Dee, listen, I'm really kind
of busy this afternoon,

so before I leave, if you'd like
me to sign your Mario Lopez pillow

that you snuggle with
every night and...

No, thanks.

You told Mario Lopez
about my Mario Lopez pillow?

Yeah. That was me, too.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming, Mario Lopez.

All right.

Is there anybody you forgot
to tell about my pillow?

Maybe you want to take
a picture of me hugging it

and plaster it on Facebook,
you big... ostrich!

Dee Dee, are you mad?

As a badger!

This is great. Go on.

Don't tell me what to do.
You're a big alkie,

but I don't broadcast it to everybody
like some blabbermouth I know.

And when you're
gonna bring men home,

stop grunting and moaning
after 11 P.M.

Some people have to get up
for work in the morning!

And don't make fun of me for
watching "the bachelor."

It's a great show! And I know
it's fakey, but I like it anyway!

Dee Dee, I'm proud of you.

- How do you feel?
- Better. In fact,

I don't think I need this anymore.

No, I do, I do.

Dee Dee, I'm so glad
you got mad at me.

Well, it's just...
Oh, forget it.

No, no, what? Say it.

Well, I thought
if I got mad at you,

you wouldn't want to be
my roommate anymore.

I've had a lot of roommates
and they never seem to stick.

Dee Dee, I'm not just
your roommate,

I'm your friend, you idiot.

You're gonna have to do a little
more than yell to get rid of me.

Hell, yeah.
Oh, really?

You just bring it
whenever you want.

Ohh...

Well, there is one thing
that's been sticking in my craw.

You say cupon and it's coupon.

Uh... I think it could be either.

[Different pronunciation] Either.

All right, eat your sandwich.

Come on, Chels, really,
how did you get my cousin Brian

to deliver Mario Lopez?

Well, I found out what he wanted

♪

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- No.
- Oh.

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