Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Gynecologist - full transcript

I need a new gynecologist.

Why, what happened? Your guy make
enough money off of you to retire?

Or could he just not live
with the things he'd seen?

Ha ha.

No, my guy was
already kind of creepy,

and then he grew a soul patch
in a very disturbing shape.

Uh, I'm just waiting for
the speculum to warm up.

It's cold out today,
huh?

Then he started
stroking it like this.

Ew.

Yeah, I'm not going
back to that guy.



So, Olivia,
what about your doctor?

Oh, I have
a great woman.

You know, I prefer a guy.

For a woman,
it's just a job.

For a guy, it's like,
can you believe

they're actually paying me
to do this?

I don't like being naked
in front of male doctors.

I have the body of
a 9-year-old girl.

No, you don't.
More like a 9-year-old boy.

Hi, Chels.

Hey, dad. Did you get
my bookshelves built?

Oh, I'm sorry,
sweetie.

Those swedish people made
it way too complicated.

They should just
stick to massages,



meatballs,
and gummy fish.

You know what, Chels,
I'll do it for you.

I'm kind of
a do-it-yourself-er.

That's what I hear.

I mean I'm handy.

Oh, yeah.

All right, forget it.

I'll forget about it
all night long.

What? All right, I'm sorry.
Please help me.

All right.
Thank you.

Hey, you know,
I'll help.

My girlfriend's out of town,
so it'll keep me out of trouble.

So while the cat's away,
the mouse will pay, huh, buddy boy?

No. When the cat's away,
the mouse wakes up naked

floating in the lobster tank
of a chinese restaurant.

- You ever figure that out?
- No, but now I'm banned

from golden dragon
buffet gardens.

- Hi.
- Hey, Sloane.

Hi, Sylvia.

Oh, and look at
my little granddaughter.

Who's my fat little friend?

Fat fat fatty.

Now not only will
she have you as a grandfather,

she'll also be
bulimic.

What are you talking about?
You girls are all so beautiful

I could just sit
and watch you all day.

Hey, Sloane, how do you like
your gynecologist?

- Oh, look, they're playing dots.
- I actually like him a lot.

I've been seeing him
for years.

He's become
a close friend.

- Can I have his number?
- No.

Why not?

Because I don't want him
to know about you.

Really? You're not gonna
give me his number

because you're worried
about what people will think?

What would Jesus do,
Sloane?

I think he would give me
his gynecologist's number.

It's gonna be hard
to write down a number

with his hands nailed to
a cross for your sins.

Sloane, just give me
the number.

I'll give you
the number,

but don't ruin my
relationship with him

and don't embarrass me,
OK?

Keep your legs closed
until the exam actually starts.

Hi. I'm Dr. Thomas.

Nice... To meet you.

I'm Sloane's younger sister.

Well, I won't hold
that against you.

You're funny.

I like that in my doctors.

Yeah, you've got to have a sense
of humor in my line of work.

Although not everyone likes
jokes when the pants are down.

But seriously,
be careful down there

'cause my girl's pretty,
but she might steal your watch.

Any special concerns
today, Chelsea,

or are you just here
for a general exam?

Just general.
You know, sex is important to me,

so I like to get
regular inspections,

make sure everything's
running smoothly.

I wish more women felt
like you.

You haven't even
felt me yet.

Any changes in
your health recently?

I've been doing
yoga lately.

So maybe a little
too limber.

You into boats?

Deep sea fishing.
It's kind of my thing.

It's totally my thing, too.

You're kidding?

No, I love
deep sea fishing.

The deep, the sea,
the fish thing.

Heh.

Um, I know you're
supposed to be here,

but if you want to go
steal some pain killers,

now would be a good time
to do that.

Thought she'd
never leave.

You know, you don't
meet a lot of women

who are
into fishing.

Breathe in.

And out.

I've got a boat.

Really? What kind?

It's a blue one.

What do you
call her?

"Girls just want to
have chum."

Listen, I don't know if
you've met my partner,

Dr. Rosen
in the next office.

He and I chartered
a boat for this weekend

to do some
night fishing.

If you'd like to come along,
maybe you could bring a girlfriend,

you're welcome
to join us.

Night fishing, huh?

Yeah, I would love to.
Thanks, Dr. Thomas.

Great.
Look forward to it.

All right, then if
you're ready, Chelsea,

you can go ahead and hop
into the stirrups

and I'll have a look
around.

You bet.

Oh, and in honor
of carnival,

I'm offering
a brazilian theme today.

How do you like
my chili, Dee Dee?

Oh, it's great.
What's in it?

Lamb.
Aw.

And veal.

Oh, no.

And unicorn.

Oh, Todd, now you're just
cranking my behind.

That's not an expression,
Dee Dee.

Oh, you're tugging on
my business now.

Hey. How was your appointment
with the new doctor?

It was so great.

Oh, that's good. It's hard
to find a doctor you trust.

No, girl, he is
funny and handsome,

and he's
really filthy.

And the best part,
you're gonna meet him.

We're going fishing with him
and one of his hot doctor friends.

- Jewish?
- Think so.

Sweet. That means,
like, there's a 90% chance

they have an asian fetish.

All right, we're heading
out on Saturday night.

Oh, crap, I have to work.

What?

I have to bring
someone for his friend.

Hey, Nikki, do you
want to come fishing

with me
tomorrow night?

Oh, I would love to,

but I'm already gog whaling
with someone else who annoys me.

Oh, that's too bad because
it's with two single doctors.

I would love to go,
bestie.

All right.

Do you know anything
about deep sea fishing?

Because I kind of
said I was an expert.

Did somebody say
deep sea fishing?

I love fishing.

My grandpa Kreshick used to
take me when I was little.

He'd reel in the fish

and I'd beat their brains out
with a mallet

and gut them.

I had a lot of
good times with my grandpa.

May he rest in peace.

When did your grandpa die, Dee Dee?

Oh, he's not dead,
he has insomnia.

Dee Dee, you have to
come with us

and you have to,
like, make it look

like we know
what we're doing.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Tonight I'm gonna cram
so much junk

into my big pink
tackle box.

Hey, Dee.

I hope this boat
has a Captain.

Like captain stubing
on "the love boat."

You know, he had
the ability to marry couples.

I'll do pretty much
anything on the first date,

but marriage,
it's a little too kinky.

Where the hell is Nikki?

While we're waiting, I'll teach
you about fishing tackle.

This is the spreader
and this is the spinner.

Ooh. That's what they called
me and Olivia in High School.

Finally.

All right.

Let's go fishing.

What are you
wearing?

Doctor bait.

I want him to see me
looking hot

before I throw on
some skinny jeans

and a sweater that
showcases my nips.

Are you the lady
that needs her bookshelf built?

Zip.
# bow chicka bow bow

# chicka bow

too much story, Todd.
I like my porn straight up.

I thought you didn't need
tools to build Ikea furniture.

Oh, uh, not true,
actually.

All you need is
an Allen wrench

and about 12 of these.

All right, we're late. We gotta go.

All right.

Thanks for doing
the bookshelf,

and I know you guys,
all right, no snooping.

OK.

No snooping.
Yeah, like she's so interesting

we're just dying to see
her private stuff.

So what do you think
she's hiding?

What, do you think
she's hiding something?

Why else would
she specifically say "don't snoop"?

You're right.

Anyway, you want to crack
open a few of these beers,

get to work?
Yeah, sounds good.

OK.

So where do you think
she keeps the bottle opener?

Underwear drawer.

Got to start someplace.

Well, I can't wait
for tuna season.

How about you,
Chelsea?

Yeah, I just hate
all the commercialism.

You know, I hope this year
we keep it about the tuna.

By the way,
got your pap results

and you are clean
as a whistle.

I've been practicing,

and I hope one day
to make it whistle.

It's so amazing
you bring new life

into the world,
Dr. Rosen.

Really makes you think
about what's important.

What do you drive?

Call me Carl.

And I drive
a Ferrari.

Oh. So you like
little Italian things?

Oh, hey,
check it out.

Porpoises off
the starboard.

No, starboard.

Where have you been? You're supposed
to be helping us with this stuff.

Oh, Captain Steve was
showing me the boat.

She was very interested
for a land lover.

Land lover?

I'll have you know
I spent every weekend

of my budding adolescence
scraping fish scales

in a leaky row boat
with my grandfather.

I could fish with
a net, a spear, a rod.

If you saw what he did
with a horseshoe crab,

it would really blow
your porthole.

You want to go clean
and gut these blue fish?

Want to give me a knife,
some gloves, and get out of my way?

Wow, Dee Dee.

I apologize for calling
you a land lover.

You know,
most people who charter this boat

are just here
to drink.

Treat it like a
giant floating limo.

But you, you're
a real seaman.

Whoo! This one's still
got some kick to it.

Swim to the light,
little fishy.

Brains and brawn,
you got it all.

My dad always said
if you could gut a fish,

change a tired,
and dress a deer,

you might survive
the apocalypse

after all the zombies
died out.

Um, oh, you got a little
fish intestine on your cheek.

Oh, allow me?

Mmm. Get that off.

Well, I better get
back to the bridge.

Dee Dee, would you
care to join me?

I, uh, I'll let you steer.

These fish aren't gonna
slice off their own heads.

You know as the Captain
of this vessel,

I can order you
to the bridge.

I am so sorry.

Sometimes the power
goes to my head.

No, I liked it.

Aye, aye, Captain.

My lady.

So you like fishing
and female anatomy.

Anything else?

I make my own beer.

Be still
my beating liver.

You're hysterical.

I'm glad you guys
came along.

Me, too.

Oh, we're out of vodka.

Don't worry, I've got
reinforcements down below.

I'll grab
some snacks.

Do you have
any condoms?

Having a good time?

The best.

But then I always have
a good time with you.

Do you like
my friends?

The ladies?
They're hysterical.

But I'm getting kind of
a weird vibe from Nikki.

You're sure
they're gay, right?

Let's put it
this way,

how many straight
women do you know

that are into
deep sea fishing?

You're right.

Stupid question.

Well, I'll tell you
one thing.

Carl certainly passed
the gentlemen's test.

I mean, most guys by now
would have already

been trying to put
their hand up my shirt.

Especially since I was basically
putting my boobs in his hands.

I know
what you mean.

I totally respect
that Ben looks me in the eye

and listens to
what I'm saying.

But he better ram his
"Titanic" into my iceberg soon.

Thanks for bringing me,
Chelsea.

Maybe it's
the vodka talking,

but I love you, Chelsea.

So does seeing
so many naked women

translate into any issues
in the bedroom?

For me, those two things
don't connect at all.

That's great.

'Cause if I was
in your position,

I'd be thinking about them
all the time.

I bet you would.

So how long have you
been partners with Dr. Carl?

It'll be 10 years
in April.

Whoa. Did you guys
meet in med school?

Oh, this is gonna
super gay,

but we actually met
at a parade.

That is super gay.

I know.

I've been watching
you and Chelsea.

It seems like things can get
pretty hot between you two.

You got that right.

I mean, we know where
each other's buttons are

and we know
how to push them.

I think that's healthy.

Yeah. But honestly,
she's so tall

and her hands are so big that I get
a little afraid sometimes.

Here it is. What she's been hiding.

Chelsea's sex tape?

Should we?
No. Todd, we can't, all right.

She is a good friend. So I'm just
gonna set this by the, uh...

Laptop.

Hey, you want
another beer?

Sure, yeah.
That's great.

There you go.
Thanks, buddy.

OK.

What?

Did you say something?

Nope.

OK.

I thought you said something
about watching the video.

I did not say that.

Good.

'Cause that would be
a terrible idea.

Boy, those ladies can
really put it away.

You seem to be keeping up
with them all right.

Hey, I wanted this
to be a surprise,

but I just can't
wait to tell you.

For our
tenth anniversary,

I booked us a two-week
trip to Australia.

Oh, my God,
the great barrier reef?

Hey, do you think anyone
would miss us

if we slipped into that cabin
for about 10 minutes?

Since when have you
ever lasted 10 minutes?

They sure are taking a long
time to make their move.

They better not
be married.

Trust me, I would be picking up
signals if these guys were married.

And I'm not getting
any signals.

Oh, look, Carl's
rod is bending.

Carl?

There's a nibble
on your pole.

Hello?

Dr. Thomas, Dr. Rosen,
you stop that right this minute.

That is not
where that goes.

Seriously, guys,
you've got to believe me,

I am totally down with whatever
makes two people happy.

Yeah, you seem like
a real pillar of tolerance.

Can I just say
something, please?

And I hope this
doesn't sound shallow

'cause I'm
a spiritual person,

but come on.

I mean, if I were
a lesbian,

I would not be with
a cocktail waitress, OK.

I'd be with a lawyer
or a talk show host

or Jennifer Aniston.

She's not
a lesbian.

She would be when
I got done with her.

How long until we get back
to the marina?

6.5 hours.

You want to swim?

We'd drown.

I know.

So this is for
Chelsea's own good.

Right. Yeah,
we're here friends.

We just got
to make sure

she's not getting into
something dangerous.

You're a bad girl. Ooh.

You're a nasty girl. Oh.

Get to school.
Oh, that feels so good.

Gee, my date cancelled
on me tonight.

Oh, and you look
so pretty.

Are you as tingly
as we are?

Maybe more so.

Oh, my God,
it's really happening.

Shh. Shh.

I guess there's only
one thing to do.

You mean...
I'm a little scared.

But I'm curious, too.

Don't worry, girls.
I know what we should start with.

Say it.
Say it out loud.

Let's show Rick and Todd footage
of a water buffalo giving birth.

Aah!
Aah!

- That was intense.
- Yeah.

- Want to watch it again?
- Hell yeah.

I can't believe
I popped-off like that.

It was so weird.

I know. You've always
been cool with everything.

Even when we'd play dolls,
everybody would go with everybody.

Raggedy Ann and Andy,
raggedy Andy and gi Joe.

Raggedy Andy
and my little pony.

Ugh. That's why Andy
was so raggedy.

Hello, ladies.
Hey!

Well, I just got off
the phone with Dr. Thomas.

And if you didn't
realize he was gay,

I have another
newsflash for you.

Elton John is out.

OK, gay people who work together
should not use the word "partner."

Gay handsome doctors.

It's just cruel.

It's like plastic desserts.

I freaked out.

You know, maybe there's
a small part of me

that's a prude.

Does prude mean
something else now?

You are a prude, OK,
that's for sure.

You just keep choosing
men that are unavailable.

I do not.

The cry baby,
the French chef,

Sloane's ex, oh, that clowny guy.

That's just
on my watch.

You have to kiss
a lot of frogs.

Ok, well, sometimes the frog
that you need to kiss

is standing right
underneath your nose

and you can't even
sniff him out.

Shut up, Sloane.
What?

She's talking
about Rick.

Oh, Rick's great.

Even if he's not a earner,
you can handle it.

You're sturdy enough to camp

or pull an industrial cart
through costco.

Rick is like my brother.

Uh, a brother you tried
to give a reach around to.

Ok, I am not ready
to settle down, guys.

I'm still sowing
my wild eggs.

Actually, I think it's oatmeal.

I'm with Chelsea.

Here's to
playing the field.

With straight guys,
please.

Have you guys noticed
that hot ups guy?

That's a girl.
Damn it!

Forget her.
My money's on

that little nugget
at the bar.

I want you to at least
tap that ass once.

You are so beautiful.

Do you like me?

Yes, I like you.

I would like to kiss you.

I don't like
to kiss girls.

None of the boys like
to kiss girls.

I would like to
braid your hair.

Would you rather climb a tree
or play baseball?

I'd rather try on
your mother's shoes.

You're the best husband
in the world.