Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 11 - Boots - full transcript

Not too long ago,

I pulled a real bonehead
move and got a dui.

Since then, my roommate Dee Dee

has become my designated driver.

She's perfect for the job because
she doesn't like drinking,

and her initials
are, well, "D.D."

I have to go for
to the courthouse

to get my community service
assignment tomorrow.

I hope they don't make you pick
up trash by the side of the road.

Mmm.

Oh, maybe they'd let you
dirty Skype the troops.



Oh. I would be honored

to share my foxhole
with the soldiers.

All right, you guys.

Go ahead and try this.

Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this
about alcohol in any form, but...

- Uhh.
- What?

What do you mean, "uhh"?
It's great.

It's lavender-infused vodka

with a hin cream and
a cactus liqueur.

That's not a drink.

It's a candle you buy
at a lesbian bookstore.

I like it. Thank you.

It smells like my Nana.

And her roommate Millie.



Wait. I just realized something.

Hey, look, at least
I'm trying, OK?

I'm gonna open up my own bar
one day, and I'm telling you,

the central and north
Jersey mixology society,

it's a great networking
opportunity.

Yeah, so's sleeping with people.

Why don't you try that, Rick?

Well, I do, but unlike you,

not enough to fill a bar.

Chelsea, you should
give him the recipe

for your bang-bang.

I don't need your bang-bang,

whatever that is.

I'm sure I can come up
with something better.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All right, don't look.

Is not a cocktail, Chelsea.

And straight men don't
have your haircut, Rick.

Ahem.

Here you go.

Mmm. OK, that's good.

Wait for it.

Holy God.

And the's the second bang.

Yeah, I admit it's
got a kick to it,

but not sure it's up to the
standards of the CNJMS.

I have TMJ, fyi.

You can make fun of me,

but at least I have a goal.

Now, come on. Seriously.

You know, Olivia wants to bea.

And Todd's studying acting.
What do you want?

Todd's studying acting?
That's great.

Yeah. Well, not when one
man has the monopoly

on every great role
for little people.

- Peter Dinklage.
- Who?

Peter Dinklage from
"game of thrones."

Oh, he is cute.

Do you know him?

Not all little people
know each other, Olivia.

But, yes, I... I do.

Ah, come on. You didn't
answer my question.

What do you think you want?

Hey, I am happy in my life.
You know,

I love my friends. I loy job.

I don't really want anything.

Oh, come on. There must
be something you want.

Well, last week,
something hit me, but...

Forget it.

No, what is it? Come on.
Tell us.

Well, I was just walking
down the street,

and suddenly I realized
there is something I want.

Ohh.

- You want a baby?
- Are you nuts?

I want boots,

$700 hand-crafted French
thigh-high leather boots.

So your big goal is
a pair of boots.

I wouldn't really
put it that way.

It's more like...

My big goal's a pair of boots.

So, Melvin, I was talking
to your daughter yesterday.

You know what her big goal is?

Pair of thigh-high
leather boots.

Really? That's your goal?

- Yeah.
- Thigh-high boots?

I'm proud of you, honey.

You would look
terrific in those.

Thanks, dad.

You're serious?

Ah. She's a leggy knockout.

She's only gonna be young once.

My wife, rest her soul,

cause she anything was
always saving for late.

What if there is not a later?

Have fun, Chelsea.

You have a terrific figure now,

but time is not kind
to a busty girl.

You know what?

I'll buy you those boots.
What do you need?

700 bucks.

700 bucks?! Mm-hmm.

You're gonna 700
bucks for boots,

your head's so far up your ass,
you won't be able to see 'em.

Don't worry about it, dad.

I'm gonna find a way to get
those boots on my own,

because I don't need to rely
on anybody or anything.

Chelsea, did you
forget I'm driving you

to the courthouse for
your dui assignment?

No, I did not.

I made you a sandwich. Did
you remember to eat lunch

no, I did not.

And here's your wallet.
You left...

All right, let's just go.

You know what? You don't have
to wait with me here, Dee.

Are you kidding? I
wanna meet the clerk.

Why?

Why? I love everything
about a courthouse.

When I was a little girl,

I used to love to play
bailiff with my dad.

How do you play bailiff?

Well, you stand
quietly by his desk,

sometimes for hours,
while he does his work.

That's the hard part.

When he leaves the
room, you get to say,

"all rise for judge daddy."

Then when he comes back
in, you get to say,

"all rise for judge daddy."

- Was your dad a judge?
- No. He was a cartoonist.

Hello, ladies.

Now, that is a handsome man.

Oh, yeah. Imagine
without the glasses.

Oh.

I'm so sorry to
keep you waiting.

I just came from another
budgetary meeting.

I came this close to
losing my job today.

Oh.

5 other guys did.

But enough about me.

Chelsea... Yeah, that's me.

You need to be assigned your
community service, huh?

Mm-hmm.

What would make you happy?

Uh, getting my license back.

Yeah, walking up to
the drive-through

is getting really embarrassing.

No, no, I'm serious. I
need you to be happy,

and then I need you to fill
out this online survey

and rate my performance. It'll
just take you 5 minutes,

and you could save my pension.

So don't make me beg.

I think my friend Dee Dee would
love to see you on your knees.

Chelsea!

Um, well, if I say
nice things about you,

can I get out of my community
service completely?

Mm, no. I can't do that.

But just pick any dumb
charity you want.

I'll pretty much sign off on
anything that has a letterhead.

I know, right.

Lemon drop?

Certainly.

I volunteer tutoring
at-risk kids.

Maybe Chelsea could
help me with that.

Oh, yeah. And then she could
sign off on it for me, right?

Absolutely! Yeah. I'll
just give you these forms.

Fill these out. But you
do have to get them back.

Otherwise, the sheriff'll
come after you.

Unless he loses his job, too.

Um, OK. Well, thank you, Mr...

Mills. Marty mills.

Oh. My grandpa died in a mill.

I don't know why I said that.

Down, girl.

Dee Dee, your boyfriend
at the courthouse

said you could just
sign this for me.

He's not my boyfriend.

Then why are you blushing?

Maybe I have rosacea.
Get off my back.

After you tutor for 2
hours, I'll sign the paper.

- Ok, how 'bout an hour?
- Don't play me, girl.

I learned that here.

Oh. All right, fine.

Who am I sued to tutor?

Hmm. Oh, I know Warren
needs somebody.

Warren, this is my friend Chelsea.
Chelsea, Warren.

Chelsea's really excited
to jump in and help you,

but it's her first time doing
community service, so be nice.

Community service? What'd
you get arrested for?

Being too hot?

You didn't tell me this
was the gifted program.

Here's Warren's work package.

Speaking of packages...

All right, stud, dial it back.

All right,

let's see what we got there.

Pre-algebra?

"E" equals mc that's
never gonna happen.

Oh, "lord of the flies."

You're gonna love this book.

They kill a wild boar and
a smart kid with glasses.

You know, I would kill a smart
kid with glasses for you.

If you were my woman, I would
shower you with gold and diamonds.

I'm glad you ended
that with diamonds.

All right, do you wanna
read this book or not?

Well, that depends.

Can we read it at your place?

OK, dude, listen.

You will never get
a woman like this

if you don't graduate
from High School.

Do you know why?

Because I'm an expensive woman.

I want a pair of $700 boots.

Do you think your job at the
chicken processing plant

is gonna pay for that?

All right, get started on
your history homework.

And, uh, I'll be right back.

Hey, Dee, I got him
started on his reading,

so I'm gonna go on my break.

Quick question. The
faculty lounge,

is that a full bar or
just beer and wine?

It's 2 hours, Chelsea.
There are no breaks.

Come on. I just got my period.
I gotta go to the nurse.

Welcome to fast times
at this sucks high.

Hey. All right, so do you have
any questions about history

or life or... I don't know...

Hey, Warren, why
does your crotch

have the same
ringtone as my phone?

I wasn't stealing your phone.

Ah. Sure you weren't,
you little thief.

We don't have a computer,
and I was just use it

to do research on the
Louisiana purchase.

Of course you were. And that's
why it's between your legs,

so you can attach it to that printer
that you've got down there.

This is Nana's candle.

Enjoy.

Ahh. All right.

Ahem.

Hey, dude. Yeah?

What have you got for ro2?

Oh, see the drink with
the live goldfish

and little castle in it?

It's the aquariumdaiquiri.

Are you kidding me?
You're trying too hard.

OK. Chelsea.

Hey. What's up?

Just got your text.

You didn't need to
text her, Todd.

I can handle this.

You put an animal in a drink.

You need the bang-bang recipe.

Whoa. Why would I give you
the bang-bang recipe?

Because Rick's gonna split
the $1,500 with you.

Todd. Don't push me away

I'm here to help.

All right, yeah, fine.

If we win, you get
half the money.

All right. First I
need 2 shots of vodka.

All right.

All right, let's get to work.

OK.

- See what's happening here?
- Hmm?

We are gonna win that contest.

- OK.
- Because someone up there

really wants to see
me in those boots.

So God wants to see you
in thigh-high boots?

Look, all I'm saying

I wear a white
t-shirt, it rains.

You do the math.

Yay. We did it.

The bang-bang came through.

Yeah. Well, you did it.
That's the thing.

I'm just so tired of being,
like, average at everything.

Like, in school, I was
an average student.

I was kind of an
average athlete.

Well, how are you in bed?

I mean, I'll be honest.
I don't blow me away.

Shut up.

You've done a lot of
really cool things.

Didn't you, like, model
when you were a kid?

Yeah. I was a husky model.

Are you kidding?

No. You know, then
I hit puberty,

and I thinned out,
so all the jobs

and the free giant
pants dried up.

Did you ever do underwear ads?

If they were tasteful. Ho ho ho!

If you love me, you would
find those pictures,

blow one up, and give
it to me for Christmas.

Well, I'm glad you
think this is funny.

Oh, shut up, Rick. Come on.

You're great-looking now.
Everyone loves you.

And one day, when you
open your own bar,

in tribute to your childhood,

you can call it tgi fat-ass.

Ah, go on. Get out of here.

Get your hooker boots.

There are so many shows
about judges and lawyers.

What about the clerks
and the secretaries

and the midlevel administrators?

That's the show I want to see.

- You know what show I want to see?
- What?

You kissing that clerk
at the courthouse.

Can I tell you a secret?

When he showed Chelsea
and me to the door,

he smelled like a
heavenly mixture

of stetson cologne and copier.

Honey, are there any
chunks of your childhood

that you don't remember?

Whoo! Whoo!

What do you think?
Worth 700 bucks?

Yes!

Oh, my God. I'd ask
to borrow them.

Except they would
chafe my armpits.

Chelsea, you look so great.

You're gonna turn so
many heads in those.

And hopefully raise a few.

Dee Dee, you have got
to try these on.

They will change your life.

That's the way I feel about
my Nate Berkus Fanny pack.

Oh, here. Take a picture.

Heh. Why were you googling
the Louisiana purchase?

What? Let me see that.

Heh. Oh, my God.

Warren really was googling
the Louisiana purchase.

Oh, yeah. I lend him my phone all time.
They don't have a computer.

But I thought he was trying to steal it.
I called him a thief.

Oh, don't worry. He's got much
bigger problems than you.

His mom's in jail, and he has to
take care of his little brother.

Oh, my God. Really?

Mm-hmm. Don't worry.
Warren's fine.

Tonight's about you and
your fancy new boots.

I just bought this
amazing new boots.

I should be feeling
good right now,

not feeling bad about kids
who don't have computers.

Nobody said you had to.

Chelsea, before you
have another drink,

can you do that online survey
for Marty Mioh, right.

Right.

Look at me, using a computer

like I deserve to.

The only thing I use this
computer for is to online shop

and watch goats kicking
people in the nuts.

My grandparents had a carrear

until Kim jong-il ate it.

You know what? Give
me the computer.

There's no way in heck Marty
was only "somewhat prom."

God, poor little Warren,

you know, with his
mom on death row

and that ugly little backpack.

How is he ever gonna learn
about the Louisiana purchase

if he doesn't have a
computer at school?

He's gonna learn from
good tutors like you.

Now, are you drunk
enough to sleep yet?

Why? Is Marty mills coming over?

That's crazy. I don't
even know his number.

We should Facebook him.

Does he have Facebook?

Everybody has Facebook.

Except little Warren.

Ohh.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

Or should I say, good
afternoon, alcoholic"?

Oh, God. My boots even
look good in the morning.

Why is my credit card out?

Oh, you went online
and bought the kids

at the tutor center a computer.

What?

Oh, crap.

I have done some awful
things when I'm drunk,

but buying a computer
for needy kids,

that's a new low.

Nonsense, Chelsea.

Admit it. You've
got a big heart.

Oh, look it. Olivia
has a big man.

Thank you for everything.

Take a powerbar and a complimentary
toothbrush on your way out.

Um, when did that happen?

I perked up around 4 A.M.,

walked across the hall, and
knocked on Duane's door.

That was not Duane.

I know. Duane moved
out 2 weeks ago,

but I have to say, I
think we traded up.

All right, I need your advice
on a decision I have to make.

I bought these boots, but I also

bought a computer
for needy kids,

and I can't afford them both.
What do I do?

Oh, I already told the
kids about the computer.

I couldn't hold it in.
I'm sorry, Chelsea.

Oh, it's OK.

I know what I have to do.

God, this is the saddest I've
ever been pulling down a zipper.

You've gotta feel good.

Yeah. It does feel good.

And it didn't even
require batteries.

- You bought us the computer?
- Yeah.

Aren't you worried
I'll steal it?

I'm sorry. I got that
one completely wrong.

Don't feel that bad, 'cause
I was going to steal it.

Really?

Nah. I just didn't want
you to feel that bad.

Really?

Nah. I was gonna steal it.

I'm just messing with you,

but thanks for the computer.
You're welcome.

You know how you
could pay me back?

By hooking you up with
some of the insane chronic

my cousin grows by this garage?

Well, I was gonna say
by reading a book,

but if something were to
just appear in my purse...

Hey, Chelsea... I was kidding.

Good news. We just
got a new volunteer,

so since you were so
nice and generous,

I'm gonna sign your paper

so you don't have to come back.

Oh. Thanks, Dee Dee.

Absolutely. You've
gone above and beyond.

Great.

Ahem. You know, I think I might
hang out for a little bit.

I think... I think
Warren needs me.

Yeah? Yeah, look at him.

He's typing away.

He's probably looking up porn.

You know someone's
gotta teach him

how to clear the
browser history.

All right, you guys.

Taste the bacontini.

Ooh.

Oh, that is fantti

yeah?

You know, gin usually
make me mean,

but the fat has a
calming effect.

Good. Good.

You know, I'm gonna enter
the greater New York

event next week.

Good luck, you son of a bitch!

Oh, hey. Uh, I heard you did
something nice for some kids today.

Yeah, don't remind me.

Yeah, well, I wanted to do
something nice for you.

Oh, my God. You bought
me those boots?

Open it up.

Man!

So this is the future
inventor of the bacontini.

Yeah, I liked bacon
back then, too.