Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Foodie - full transcript

When Sloane takes everyone to a fancy French restaurant to say "thanks" for their support during her pregnancy, Chelsea meets the gorgeous and talented chef Robert, who begins courting her with sumptuous meals. As Chelsea becomes addicted to the rich, buttery food - shirking responsibilities and friendships - Olivia and Dee Dee realize that the only way to get her back may be an old-fashioned intervention.

♪,
thanks to my sister Sloan,

I was allowed to witness one
of nature's most wondrous

and magical moments...
The miracle of birth.

But despite
the unspeakable pain,

we fall madly
in love with it.

I read a t-shirt once that says it
takes a village to raise a child.

That's because breastfeeding
the little barnacle

sucks the life out
of the poor mother.

As a thank you for
completely giving up

2 weeks of our lives,
Sloan took us

to this beautiful
French restaurant.



This place is so bougie.

This is a big
thank you to everyone,

especially you, Chelsea.

For someone who's so selfish

and has no maternal instincts,
you really stepped up.

And next time my baby
latches on to your boob

by accident, please don't
let it go on for so long.

You look great, Sloan.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you. I feel great.

I actually showered and blow-dried my
hair myself for the first time in ages.

And my boobs are so large.

I feel like
a fox weather girl.

You are like
a fox weather girl.

That one's even
leaning to the right.



I don't understand any
of this stuff on the menu.

Churete and huh-huh!

Oh, that's trout
with butter.

You speak French?

Oh, yeah, when I was a little girl,
I had a nanny from quebec.

♪ Alouette

♪ gentille alouette

♪ alouette,
gentille alouette ♪

♪ je te plumerai,
je te plumerai la... ♪

Ok, ok, that's...
That's annoying.

Bonsoir, ladies.

I have an amuse bouche
for you from the chef.

And please feel free
to compliment it,

because, well,
I am the chef.

You are smoking
top chef, hot.

Thank you, but
I meant the amuse bouche.

What's an amuse bouche?

It means to amuse your mouth.

Ohh, that's
one way to do it.

Oh, she's...
She's beautiful.

And whose baby is this?

Hers.

You probably
couldn't even tell

that I just had a baby,
that's why you had to ask.

I'm the aunt.

So, basically we have
all the same genes,

just not all the wear
and tear on the gear box.

Ok.

Mmm, yummy.

Oh, ow!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry
it's not to your liking.

Mmm. No, my tooth.

My teeth are fine.

Me oui.
Si.

What'd he say?

He likes you.
Really?

Really?

He's cute.

I mean, that's
a nice guy.

He likes children,
he's got a job,

that's the kind of guy
I'd like to see you with.

Yeah. But if I just
get a one night stand,

you still want details?

Absolutely not.

But I wouldn't mind
looking at some photos.

I feel it's important
to have sex soon

after meeting someone to find
out what they're really into.

You don't want to come
home after 2 months

of dating him,
to find him waiting

in your bedroom with 2
Cambodian girls and a goat.

You know what?

I can't
feel my legs.

Fortunately, Robert and I
fit together really well.

You're so delicious.

You know what
I'd like to do now?

Ok, good to go.

No, I... I want to cook for you,

something rich and sensual.

Later.

Wow.

Now... I must insist.

One of my great joys
is to cook for my lover

and see the pleasure
it gives her.

Yeah, I'm not
a really big foodie.

I'm more of
a drinky and screwy.

Come with me.

Hey, Dee.

Bonsoir, Dee Dee.

Bonsoir, Robert.

I know what you
two were doing.

We were playing
a game of scrabble...

And he had
a really long word.

Really?

Oh, you got me.
Money shot.

That's... that's
not what that means.

I have to admit
something to you.

Robert is so cute, I had a dream
I went to second base with him.

I'm so sorry.
Can you ever forgive me?

As long as you're
not pregnant.

So, what are you making?

Soft eggs with chives.
Mmm.

Oh, if you need a peppermill,
I've got 2 kinds.

I love to cook... but not
in a competitive way.

I mean, you and Chelsea seem
really happy together.

Open your mouth.

Oh, my God.

Why are they so good?

Truffle salt.

Do we have that?

I always carry some
in a baggie in my pocket.

Mmm. If you got
shrooms in there,

this could turn into
a magical breakfast.

Oh, well,
I should scoot.

Hee hee.

Hey, I found
a transvestite bar

in hoboken that has
the best ladies night.

How do they know
who's the lady?

There's a pat down.

Ooh.

That's why we have
to go right after work.

Oh, man, that sounds
so fun, but I can't.

I'm going out with Robert.

Again?

Notre-damn, girl.

All right, all right.
Will you two relax?

You think this guy is so great
just because he's French.

The French are awesome, Rick.

They got great wine,
great looking women,

great art, topless beaches,
and, of course, Napoleon.

That's him.

Holy crap. That's
a good looking man.

Hello, Chelsea.

You remember Olivia.

That's Todd
and that's Rick.

It's good to meet you.

Hey, man.
Oh, nice basket.

Thank you.
I like women.

Oh, ha ha ha.

No, no, no.

I was talking about
your picnic basket.

I like women, too.

You're bisexual.
Good for you.

You told me that, uh,
you will have a lunch break

at 3:00,
so I brought you this.

Oh, my God.
That smells so good.

Braised rabbit
on a fresh baguette.

Oh, what's
for dessert... Bambi?

Where can I set it up?

Oh, uh, you know what,
I'll show you.

Wow.

So, that's what
you're into, huh?

Just flat-out
handsome French guy?

- Yeah, that's what I'm into.
- Hmm.

Anyone would be.

Turtles would
be into him.

Yeah, until he makes
them into a soup.

I don't know, Chels,

I'm just saying, I got
a bad feeling about that guy.

Yeah, well, jealousy
feels bad, Rick.

No, no.
That's not it.

Just think about it, right?
A chef that looks like him? No.

I don't buy it.

I mean, it's like when
I see guys at the bar

that don't drink, you just know
they got a pocket full of roofies.

Well, he's got a pocket
full of truffle salt.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, my rabbit's ready.

And for the first time in my life,
that's not a euphemism.

As the days went by, Robert
was feeding me foods

that were making more
than just my mouth water.

I never thought it would be so
sexy to watch a man bone a fish.

I had never tasted
food like this.

And the more I had,
the more I wanted.

Try this.

Oh, my God.

These desserts
are amazing.

You're amazing.

You know what I'm in
the mood for now?

What?

Something salty.

No, seriously,
something salty,

like quiche with bacon.

Ugh.

Ugh.

What?

Oh, my tooth is killing me.

I'm ready to knock it out
of my mouth with mom's urn.

Is there any way you can
watch Sylvia tomorrow at 2:00?

That's the only time
the dentist can see me.

Yes. Good-bye.

Hey, Olivia, where
the hell is Chelsea?

She was supposed to be
in like a half an hour ago.

I think she's
in the shower.

Let me call her.

On her shower phone?

Uhh.

Oh, man.

Hey, uh, I'm,
uh, stuck in traffic.

I'm on my way.

No, don't go.

Call in sick.

I can't.

Oh, but you can.

All right, maybe I can.

Hey, Chelsea.

Bonjour, Robert.

Bonjour, Dee Dee.

Uh, Olivia called me
and told me to come in here

and not leave until Chelsea had her
uniform on and was out the door.

So, here I am.

Sorry I'm late.

I was having some, uh,
lady problems with my lady parts.

Yeah, was there
a French guy stuck in them?

Look, I'm serious, Chels.

You got to stop
coming in late.

Jerry's talking
about firing you.

All right, I got it, ok?
All right.

You got something
in your hair.

Oh.

Mmm, it's pate.

Hey, why don't we
serve pate here?

Well, because it's
a sports bar... in new Jersey.

Can you grab table 12?

Yeah, I'm on it.

You know, would it kill us to
class up the place a little?

Mmm, that is so good.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, dad.
I'll be right there.

Wow.

Chelsea's getting a little thick
around the middle there.

It comes from her mother's side,
rest her soul.

Tubby mid-sections, but at least
they weren't hairy people.

Hey, dad.

Hi, Chels.

You still seeing
your cook friend?

Yeah.

I really like him.

Hmm.

Maybe you ought
to tell him to ease off

the butter and
switch to margarine.

Don't worry.
I got it under control.

All right.

Hi. Where's Chelsea?

Oh, I don't know.

She and Robert left
a while ago.

Are you ok?

No, I'm not ok.

My tooth is killing me
and I needed somebody

to watch Sylvia so
I can go to the dentist.

Oh, I have to go to work.

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, I'm
an empathetic person.

I'm talking like that so you
don't feel alone in your pain.

Well, can we focus on what's
going on with my mouth

instead of the weird things
that come out of yours?

If you're really in a bind,

I can take Sylvia to
the flower shop with me.

We have like a really
serious cockroach problem

right now, but if I keep her on
the workbench, she'll be fine.

Hopefully, they have some pesticide
there that she can swallow, too.

That would be a real home run.

I'm not sure.

Let me call
and find out.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ohh.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Sloan.

Where the hell are you?

I'm so sorry, Sloan.
I totally spaced.

Oh, that's no problem.

I'll just get into my car and
drive straight into a wall.

I think I got some leftover
pain meds to tide you over.

Chelsea, I am breastfeeding.

But where are they?

Just forget it.
I'll call dad.

I'll have him watch her.

Mmm.

Are you sure you're
ok with this, dad?

It'll be my pleasure.

I got to sell a car
in downtown Newark

and this little lady is my ticket
to hauling ass in the carpool Lane!

Robert, when is
it going to be done?

Beef bourguignon takes time.

First you braise it
and then simmer it

lovingly with wine and mushroom
until it falls off the bone.

Mmm.

Speaking of falling
off the bone,

I am so sorry I fell asleep in
the middle of it last night.

I was just too full.

Oh, God.
That smells so good.

It will be ready in a minute and
all your troubles will melt away.

Good, good, good, good.
I need some.

My sister
is like on my case

and my dad thinks my eating
is becoming a problem.

It's like crazy.

Americans are such
prudes about sex and food.

It's gotta
be done by now.

Chelsea, wait.

I just want a little.

Let's not be animals.

Stop being
such a cook tease.

I'm starting
to think Rick was right.

This guy's
not good for Chelsea.

I know. I'm starting
to worry, too.

I saw something
like this on Dr. Drew.

It's called
a toxic relationship.

Yeah, it's like drugs,
but in a bad way.

On that show
"intervention,"

they say you
can't really help

someone until
they hit rock bottom.

- That's it.
- I can't wait anymore!

Chelsea, I said wait!

Wow.

That's rock bottom.

Thank you all for coming.

I hope everybody had time

to watch "intervention"
to see how this works.

If you didn't catch this
week's, make a point of it

because there's a face picker meth
addict who will just melt your heart.

Seriously, is that
how we're doing this?

I thought we were all
just going to gang up on her.

Yeah, but
in a reality TV way.

When in doubt, tell a heartbreaking
story from your childhood,

like that time I
couldn't have ice cream

before bed because I
couldn't open the freezer.

How is that heartbreaking?

Well, because my mom
was pinned against it

having sex with my
gymnastics coach.

She's here.

Whoa.

What's going on?

Chelsea, have a seat.

We're here because we love you.

Or because we all got duped by
some crazy, skinny, white girl.

Melvin, would you
like to begin?

Sure. Ahem.

Chelsea, I'm worried
about you.

"You're messing up at work,
everybody's mad at you

"and I got to be honest, with
the extra weight you're packing,

you're starting to look like a
lesbian who works at a gas station."

That's as far as I got.

Thank you, Melvin.
Olivia, your turn.

Chelsea, you're not yourself.

We never hang out anymore.

You haven't been to a single
happy hour this month.

And to be honest, I'm concerned
about your drinking.

I drink all the time.

But do you even get drunk?

No. You have so much food in your
belly you can't even get a buzz.

And when's the last time
you had sex?

Maybe having sex and getting
drunk isn't everything.

Ok, can we just please cut
to the crap right now, ok?

Get it together.

You've been off the rails
ever since mom died.

Oh, please, this has
nothing to do with mom.

Yes, it does.
Her funeral was 6 months ago,

since then, you've
gotten a D.U.I.

You've been missing work
and you're messing around

with that French guy all the time
sucking on his béarnaise sauce.

So, I'm experiencing
new things.

That is my business.

Well, actually, it's
all of our business now

because you're about
to lose your job.

I am not.

Actually, Chels,

Jerry's talking about
interviewing people.

I can't take this anymore, ok?

I just had a baby and
I haven't washed my hair

or taken a shower since
we went to that stupid

French restaurant
in the first place.

And every time
I go to the market,

she cries and people look
at me like I'm a bad mommy

and it's because I have no sleep!
I have no sleep!

And I feel like everything
itches and I have a hemorrhoid!

I know I have
a hemorrhoid! I need you!

Sloan, I'm really
sorry, ok?

I was being selfish
and I'm... I'm

really sorry for
letting you down.

Ok, just don't do it anymore.

I won't.

I promise.

Can I hold her?

You can raise her.

I have to go to the dentist.

This tooth is killing me.

I need him to pull
this bitch out.

All right, guys,
we gang banged

this intervention
out of the park.

That's not what
that means, Dee Dee.

I don't have much time.
I need to go back to work.

No, no, no. This won't
take very long.

I just... I need you to
know, I think we need

to make some changes
in our relationship.

My family and friends are worried
that you're not good for me.

I'm sorry, Chelsea, but maybe you
should not care what they think.

But they're my family.

Yes, they're very nice.

They seem a little...

What's the word...

White trash?

They're not trash.

Where is all this
coming from?

Don't worry, Chelsea.

You're not like your family.

My family is awesome,
all right?

You were the one who had me
lapping beef juice off the floor.

That wasn't
your best moment, yeah.

No, it was not,
but this is...

Good-bye, Robert.

You are an ass.

Granted, the most
beautiful, rock hard,

sculpted ass
I've ever seen...

But an ass.

After starting
a strict liquid diet,

combined with heavy cardio,
slowly but surely I got back

to my fighting weight
and back to my old self.

Dee Dee.
Dee Dee, hi.

Oh, hey, guys.
How was ladies night?

Guess who's drunk?

Oh, God, it's so easy
on an empty stomach.

Hey.

Hey, Rick.
What are you doing here?

You just called me
and told me

that there was
a mouse in here?

Oh, oh. What we meant was,
do you have any pot?

Ohh.

No. Ohh.

Drug time means bed time.

Rick, come here.

Can I tell you something?

Ahem.

You're just as good looking
as Robert, you know?

No, I'm not.

You're not.
No one is. God.

No.

Agh.

Hey, look, so, I know
you won't remember

this anyways, but I feel
like I gotta tell you.

Hmm.

I was a little
bit jealous.

Look, I know we're not
right for each other, ok?

But I can tell when someone
else isn't either.

That's sweet.

Hey.
Hmm?

If we turn Olivia
on her side, she'll fart.

Do you want to do it?

Ha ha ha.

No. I think
that's my cue.

Ugh.

Good night, Rick.

All right.

Well, good night,
Chelsea.

Hey, on behalf of
all the bartenders

in the tri-state area,

it's good to have
you drunk again.

Hey, how you feeling
after last night?