Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 12 - Surprise - full transcript
Thank you for babysitting
for Silvia, you guys.
She'll probably wake
up at around 11:00.
And if she does,
give her a bottle.
Do not breastfeed her.
I won't.
That better not be vodka.
No. It's not all vodka.
There's ice in here too.
Give me that.
Ugh. That's water.
Why are you drinking water?!
Because it's 11:00
in the morning.
You're stoned.
Well, you call me
at the last minute.
It's why I brought my girls.
Well, I'm off. You pay attention, OK?
Keep an eye on her.
I wish I could go to Bible
study with you some time.
I love the old testament.
God was so strict. But I
think he had to be at first
so everyone would know
he means business.
Thank you for explaining
my religion to me,
you strange, flightless bird.
Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait. Sloane, you
didn't respond to my email.
What do you want me to do
for you for your birthday?
My laundry.
Come on. It's your 35th.
We have to do something.
Well, I don't want
to do anything.
I want to actually
sit back, relax,
maybe take a bubble bath,
listen to some Wilson Phillips.
That does not sound relaxing
unless you're on,
like, Quaaludes.
Listen, I want you to
just do my laundry, OK?
But don't mix my delicates with yours.
And you know why.
All right, well,
I guess we have to figure out
what to do for her ourselves.
She just said she
doesn't want anything.
Yeah, she says that. But
she doesn't mean it.
Somebody does something nice,
and then she loves it.
Like, for her 30th, her
husband got a limo
to take all of us
to Atlantic city.
- Oh, how was it?
- It was awesome.
Have you not seen her husband?
Oh, I never thought
I'd say this,
but he's even more
handsome than G.I. Joe.
Yeah, and Chris is
in Afghanistan.
So I can't leave her
alone on her birthday.
Well, she'll have the baby.
Yeah, but if the only person
she sees on her birthday
just screams, eats, and poops,
I might as well just
leave her with my dad.
Oh, I could bake her
a really nice cake.
I have an app on my phone with
a bunch of great recipes.
That's perfect. OK. We'll
have some light appetizers,
like, cocktails wieners,
um, Dee Dee's cake,
and then we'll invite some
of her church friends.
It'll be like a surprise.
Can we get a stripper.
What do you think I meant
by "cocktail wieners"?
Hey, Todd, I had a dream
about Chelsea last night.
Yeah, so picture this.
I'm in the middle of the
ocean, right, in a kayak.
And I hook something
on the end of my line.
So I'm reeling it in,
and I'm reeling it in.
And I finally pull it
out, and it's a turtle
with Chelsea's face on it.
Well, you know, turtles are a
big part of the creation myth.
And water usually represents
our emotions and feelings.
So you obviously want
to sleep with Chelsea
in a kayak.
Right, OK. Even if that's true.
I'm not going to go there. I mean,
Chelsea's, like, one of my best friends.
You know, if anything, I think
that dream was telling me
that it's never going
to work out, you know?
'Cause man and turtle...
I mean, that's
incompatible, right?
It depends.
Did the turtle have
Chelsea's long, blond hair?
Or was it just Chelsea's face
on a regular turtle head?
Oh, yeah, 'cause I'd totally
have sex with a turtle
as long as it had
long, blond hair.
I hear you, buddy.
- Hi, dad.
- What you girls looking at?
Male strippers.
Now that I can understand.
These two knuckleheads are
talking about screwing turtles.
I acted like I was cool with it,
because I didn't want
to hurt their feelings.
Who's the stripper for?
For Sloane, for her birthday.
Your sister's a very
religious girl.
I say you go with the one that
looks like a manscapped Jesus.
We'll figure it out. And it's
a surprise, so don't blab.
I mean it, dad.
Did you know Sloane was always
your mother's favorite?
What?! Exactly.
Because I don't blab.
Oh, I think Sloane would
like this one... Danny.
Clean cut, all American.
He does fireman,
cop, soldier.
Ooh! And a discount
for military wives.
Smart marketing.
Here are those family albums
you were looking for.
Oh, cool. Are there any
cute ones of us in here?
Nah, you girls always insisted
on cutting your own hair.
So every picture you
look like Rachel Maddow.
Hey, Rick, want to help
me with something?
Yes, he does. Ask him, Chelsea.
Don't retreat into your shell.
Ha ha. Yeah, what
do you need, Chels?
I wanted to make a little
movie for Sloane's birthday
with, like, old
photos and videos.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Well, sounds like I'm helping
you with a little movie.
- Sweet.
- Weren't you going kayaking?
No!
Who the hell would go
kayaking in new Jersey?
Oh, I know.
A pervert looking for turtles!
Look at you. Chelsea, how old
were you in this picture?
6. Ah.
And that's Olivia, huh?
Wow, you guys look like
you're up to no good.
Yeah. We had this club
called the kissing girls.
We used to chase all the
boys around the yard,
pin them down to the ground,
and then kiss them
while they screamed.
Not every woman finds her
go-to move at age 6.
Oh, look! There's me in
my Halloween costume.
Oh, look! You're a
teenage mutant ninja...
turtle.
Oh, the baby's awake.
Let's get some cute footage
before Sloane gets back.
Man, why do they always fuss
when you put the camera on them?
You know, I think she
just wants to be held.
Careful!
She's my favorite person in
the world who's peed on me.
Chels, I was the oldest
in an Irish catholic
family, all right?
It's like having a degree in
drinking, guilt, and babies.
Sloane was the oldest
girl in our family.
You know, she
practically raised me.
She was like a bitchy teen
mom who's only goal was that
I not become a teen mom.
How you doing, Silvia?
Why are men so sickeningly cute
when they play with babies?
- Oh, you think I'm cute.
- Hell yeah.
You should bring her to a club.
You'd rack up some
nba-level ass.
Hey, dad. Bad news, sweetie,
Sloane does not want
a surprise party.
What?! How'd she find out?
I told her.
Dad, you told her?!
To throw her off the scent
so she wouldn't suspect.
Suspect what you just told her?!
Why would she? I just told her.
Dad, are you trying to skew
everything so I don't get mad at you?
Yes. But you won't suspect it,
because I just told you.
You're just lucky I
told your sister,
because that girl does "not"
want to have a party.
Yeah, but Sloane always
does stuff for me.
I want to do something for her.
Well, she said... and I quote...
"I want to do
absolutely nothing."
OK.
If that's what she wants to
do, then we will do nothing.
And don't say anything, because
it's going to be a surprise.
I won't tell her. And
this time I really won't.
Because I have no idea what the
hell you're talking about.
Surprise!
Ohh...
You're so lucky that my husband
hides his rifle in our bedroom.
I know you said you wanted to
do nothing on your birthday.
So we are here to be the
official do-nothing police.
Pull over and sit on the couch!
Ow! I have things to do today.
Tabloids, salami, cookie dough.
Garlic chicken.
Wait, there's more.
Windex, 409, tidy bowl.
I'm going to clean your house.
Really?
And, Sloane, I'm going to
take Silvia for the day
so you can just relax as
long as you'd like. OK?
Uh, the responsible mother in
me thinks that's a bad idea.
But the mother in me that smells
like old, dried breast milk
thinks it's just fine. Go ahead.
Aw...
It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
And I once made a tuxedo for a
squirrel who lived in my backyard.
You guys have a great day, OK?
Come on, Silvia,
I'm going to take you clubbing.
Yeah. You're going
to be my wing baby.
I'm just kidding, Sloane.
It's OK. Take her
wherever you want.
OK. Let me take a shower so
I can get ready for this.
- No. No, no, no.
- None of us have showered.
This is do nothing day. And we
take it very, very seriously.
Well, I know you take
that very seriously.
But I don't just sit around and
do nothing all the time. OK?
Look away.
Oh! Ooh!
OK. Now salami.
Ugh.
All right. Now cookie dough.
Now tequila.
Oh, that's good.
That's even better
than the tequila,
the cookie dough and
then the salami.
Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
Sloane, it's 'cause
you're drunk.
I know.
This is how Olivia and I
live our lives every day.
- OK. The slideshow's cued up.
- Oh, press "play."
Oh, my God! You
made a slideshow?
I love it! I love that!
I love you, Olivia, even
though I don't like you.
And I really love you, Dee Dee.
You remind me of Alice
from "the Brady bunch",
but minus all the
sexual tension.
I wasn't allowed to watch
"the Brady bunch."
My dad was racist.
Is that you and Sloane?
Where were your parents?
Laughing their asses off.
Oh, look! It's my man.
Oh, hi honey! I miss you. Hi!
Oh, he hasn't even
seen our daughter yet.
Can you believe that?
He hasn't seen
how perfect and
beautiful she is.
Oh, what's that smell?
Is that me or did something
die in the wall?
- Oh, that's all you.
- Oh.
Hmm. Nobody ever tells
you when you're a mother
that you're never going to be able
to take another shower again.
I used to be fresh and clean
in all the special areas.
I don't have time to get
manicures or pedicures.
The bottom of my feet
are, like, scaly.
They look like a lizard or
something out of "Jurassic park."
Ooh! You could pick up
a trout with those.
I know. Ever since
Chris got deployed,
I haven't had time
to do anything.
I haven't waxed my area.
I mean, when I'm naked
I just look like
I'm riding a standard
poodle bareback.
Not that you're making
me uncomfortable,
but isn't this onesie adorable?
Hi, I'm a dancing baby!
Hee hee hee.
Isn't my niece cute? And isn't
Rick cute when he holds her?
Oh, man. I think I just
shot an egg in my pants.
Hello.
- Chelsea, it's Chris.
- Oh, my God!
Hey! Don't tell Sloane it's me.
Who is it?
Uh, my pot dealer.
Where are you?
Atlanta. Listen, I want to
surprise Sloane for her birthday.
My tour just ended,
but she doesn't know.
I'm going to be
there in 4 hours.
4 hours?
I'm going to see if I
can catch the salami
with my toe claws.
Ow.
I got to take a quick nap. OK?
Wake me up when it's over.
Can you make sure that Sloane
is at home when I get there?
I cannot wait to see my new baby
and my beautiful wife.
You're not going
to believe this.
But she has gotten
even more beautiful.
All right, Chris is going
to be here in 4 hours.
Oh, pretty!
Yet not enough, Olivia.
Sloane is going to kill me
if Chris sees her like this.
Sloane, wake up.
Oh, crap. Well, we got to get her
showered and, like, do her hair.
And then do her other hair.
Yeah. I'm not going anywhere
near my sister's other hair.
Dee Dee, you like tidying up.
Oh, no. I could never get that close
to another girl's baby manger.
OK. Well, we're going
to need professionals.
OK. I'll drive.
OK. My sister drank too much
and her husband is coming
back from Afghanistan.
We have to make her
look beautiful,
and we only have a few hours.
So you drug her and sell
her to rich Saudi man?
We're not lying. Her
husband really is
coming home from the war.
Yeah, but if she wakes
up, don't tell her.
She doesn't know.
You pay me Cash, I help you
load her on the plane.
Hey there. How you doing?
What's going on here? Why
is my Pikachu throbbing?
Because I make it pretty.
You're getting a spa treatment.
That's part of your surprise.
No! You said we were
going to do nothing.
Well, now we're taking
a family photo.
A... that's why you wax me?
What kind of family
photo are we taking?
And what are you scrubbing me with?
That hurts.
There is no beauty without
bother, Devchonka.
Are you Russian?
Yes. And so are you
judging by your black forest.
I want to go home. No.
We've got pretty
clothes for you!
No, no, no. I want my clothes.
I want my underwear and my
sweatpants that are big and blousy.
I don't want anything fancy.
Oh, no. Those had to go bye-bye.
- Why?!
- They actually walked away.
Come on, it's your birthday!
It's your birthday?
I have special treatment for you.
Flip over.
OK, now you just brush your
teeth and you're done.
Get away from me.
If you put that in my mouth,
I will bite your face.
OK. I'm going to say this as
delicately as I know how.
Your mouth smells like an
entirely different hole.
Hey, Sloane, take a sip of this
and it'll make you feel better.
Thank you, Dee Dee. Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's mouthwash.
Oh. OK, I'm going to leave the
tongue scraper right here.
You are going to look beautiful
for the family photo.
I hate my family.
Thank God. You're sobering up.
It's not funny. This is one of the
worst birthdays I've ever had.
All I asked you to
do was do nothing,
and you're not even
capable of that.
You're right. I suck.
You do suck. You suck
at a lot of things.
You know what? The surprise
isn't going to suck.
Are you ready to be
really, really happy?
Ta-da!
Happy birthday, honey!
I got you a sweater
and some wrapping paper if you
want to make it more of a to-do.
Yay.
Well, good to see you too.
Chelsea, you might just
be my new favorite.
Really, dad?
Don't kiss ass. It's
not attractive.
OK. Get ready to be blown away.
Come on in.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, great. My baby's back.
I don't know what it is.
But I just realized
what an adorable
young man Rick is.
I thought Sloane's
husband was coming.
This has got to be him. Come in!
Good evening, ladies.
Who the hell is that?
Sloane Bradley, the commandant
of the marine corps
has entrusted me to express
his deep regret...
Oh, no! No! No!
That you are way too sexy for
a man to keep his clothes on.
The marine corps sent a stripper
to tell Sloane her
husband's dead?!
Why? Why would you do this?
Why would you do this?
OK. That's enough. You can stop.
That's enough.
Slow down, tiger. All right.
Birthday girl gets the
first slice of cake.
Sloane?
Chris?
Oh, my God! What are
you doing home? Hi!
I'm so happy you're here.
And you're safe.
Is that our little girl?
Yeah! Yeah.
Look. Look who's here.
Hi. Hi, Silvia.
I'm your daddy.
It's nice to meet you. Yeah.
Hi.
Oh, wow. She's beautiful.
- I know.
- She's just like her mother.
Surprise.
Could somebody hand
me my tearaway pants?
Man, I've never seen
you this emotional.
Well, come on. That was, like,
the sweetest thing
I've ever seen.
Yeah. Soldiers and babies
and strippers.
It's like a hallmark card.
Sloane was really surprised.
Yeah.
I did good, huh?
You did great.
So, what about you?
You like being surprised?
It never works on me. I
always figure it out.
And then I have to
pretend to be surprised.
Whoa. Dude, are you kidding me?
I'm sorry. I just thought...
Oh, and Sloane. I'm
taking Silvia.
So you can just relax all day.
Uh, the responsible mother in
me thinks that's a bad idea.
But the mother in me that reeks of
breast milk thinks that's fine.
Hi, beautiful.
for Silvia, you guys.
She'll probably wake
up at around 11:00.
And if she does,
give her a bottle.
Do not breastfeed her.
I won't.
That better not be vodka.
No. It's not all vodka.
There's ice in here too.
Give me that.
Ugh. That's water.
Why are you drinking water?!
Because it's 11:00
in the morning.
You're stoned.
Well, you call me
at the last minute.
It's why I brought my girls.
Well, I'm off. You pay attention, OK?
Keep an eye on her.
I wish I could go to Bible
study with you some time.
I love the old testament.
God was so strict. But I
think he had to be at first
so everyone would know
he means business.
Thank you for explaining
my religion to me,
you strange, flightless bird.
Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait. Sloane, you
didn't respond to my email.
What do you want me to do
for you for your birthday?
My laundry.
Come on. It's your 35th.
We have to do something.
Well, I don't want
to do anything.
I want to actually
sit back, relax,
maybe take a bubble bath,
listen to some Wilson Phillips.
That does not sound relaxing
unless you're on,
like, Quaaludes.
Listen, I want you to
just do my laundry, OK?
But don't mix my delicates with yours.
And you know why.
All right, well,
I guess we have to figure out
what to do for her ourselves.
She just said she
doesn't want anything.
Yeah, she says that. But
she doesn't mean it.
Somebody does something nice,
and then she loves it.
Like, for her 30th, her
husband got a limo
to take all of us
to Atlantic city.
- Oh, how was it?
- It was awesome.
Have you not seen her husband?
Oh, I never thought
I'd say this,
but he's even more
handsome than G.I. Joe.
Yeah, and Chris is
in Afghanistan.
So I can't leave her
alone on her birthday.
Well, she'll have the baby.
Yeah, but if the only person
she sees on her birthday
just screams, eats, and poops,
I might as well just
leave her with my dad.
Oh, I could bake her
a really nice cake.
I have an app on my phone with
a bunch of great recipes.
That's perfect. OK. We'll
have some light appetizers,
like, cocktails wieners,
um, Dee Dee's cake,
and then we'll invite some
of her church friends.
It'll be like a surprise.
Can we get a stripper.
What do you think I meant
by "cocktail wieners"?
Hey, Todd, I had a dream
about Chelsea last night.
Yeah, so picture this.
I'm in the middle of the
ocean, right, in a kayak.
And I hook something
on the end of my line.
So I'm reeling it in,
and I'm reeling it in.
And I finally pull it
out, and it's a turtle
with Chelsea's face on it.
Well, you know, turtles are a
big part of the creation myth.
And water usually represents
our emotions and feelings.
So you obviously want
to sleep with Chelsea
in a kayak.
Right, OK. Even if that's true.
I'm not going to go there. I mean,
Chelsea's, like, one of my best friends.
You know, if anything, I think
that dream was telling me
that it's never going
to work out, you know?
'Cause man and turtle...
I mean, that's
incompatible, right?
It depends.
Did the turtle have
Chelsea's long, blond hair?
Or was it just Chelsea's face
on a regular turtle head?
Oh, yeah, 'cause I'd totally
have sex with a turtle
as long as it had
long, blond hair.
I hear you, buddy.
- Hi, dad.
- What you girls looking at?
Male strippers.
Now that I can understand.
These two knuckleheads are
talking about screwing turtles.
I acted like I was cool with it,
because I didn't want
to hurt their feelings.
Who's the stripper for?
For Sloane, for her birthday.
Your sister's a very
religious girl.
I say you go with the one that
looks like a manscapped Jesus.
We'll figure it out. And it's
a surprise, so don't blab.
I mean it, dad.
Did you know Sloane was always
your mother's favorite?
What?! Exactly.
Because I don't blab.
Oh, I think Sloane would
like this one... Danny.
Clean cut, all American.
He does fireman,
cop, soldier.
Ooh! And a discount
for military wives.
Smart marketing.
Here are those family albums
you were looking for.
Oh, cool. Are there any
cute ones of us in here?
Nah, you girls always insisted
on cutting your own hair.
So every picture you
look like Rachel Maddow.
Hey, Rick, want to help
me with something?
Yes, he does. Ask him, Chelsea.
Don't retreat into your shell.
Ha ha. Yeah, what
do you need, Chels?
I wanted to make a little
movie for Sloane's birthday
with, like, old
photos and videos.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Well, sounds like I'm helping
you with a little movie.
- Sweet.
- Weren't you going kayaking?
No!
Who the hell would go
kayaking in new Jersey?
Oh, I know.
A pervert looking for turtles!
Look at you. Chelsea, how old
were you in this picture?
6. Ah.
And that's Olivia, huh?
Wow, you guys look like
you're up to no good.
Yeah. We had this club
called the kissing girls.
We used to chase all the
boys around the yard,
pin them down to the ground,
and then kiss them
while they screamed.
Not every woman finds her
go-to move at age 6.
Oh, look! There's me in
my Halloween costume.
Oh, look! You're a
teenage mutant ninja...
turtle.
Oh, the baby's awake.
Let's get some cute footage
before Sloane gets back.
Man, why do they always fuss
when you put the camera on them?
You know, I think she
just wants to be held.
Careful!
She's my favorite person in
the world who's peed on me.
Chels, I was the oldest
in an Irish catholic
family, all right?
It's like having a degree in
drinking, guilt, and babies.
Sloane was the oldest
girl in our family.
You know, she
practically raised me.
She was like a bitchy teen
mom who's only goal was that
I not become a teen mom.
How you doing, Silvia?
Why are men so sickeningly cute
when they play with babies?
- Oh, you think I'm cute.
- Hell yeah.
You should bring her to a club.
You'd rack up some
nba-level ass.
Hey, dad. Bad news, sweetie,
Sloane does not want
a surprise party.
What?! How'd she find out?
I told her.
Dad, you told her?!
To throw her off the scent
so she wouldn't suspect.
Suspect what you just told her?!
Why would she? I just told her.
Dad, are you trying to skew
everything so I don't get mad at you?
Yes. But you won't suspect it,
because I just told you.
You're just lucky I
told your sister,
because that girl does "not"
want to have a party.
Yeah, but Sloane always
does stuff for me.
I want to do something for her.
Well, she said... and I quote...
"I want to do
absolutely nothing."
OK.
If that's what she wants to
do, then we will do nothing.
And don't say anything, because
it's going to be a surprise.
I won't tell her. And
this time I really won't.
Because I have no idea what the
hell you're talking about.
Surprise!
Ohh...
You're so lucky that my husband
hides his rifle in our bedroom.
I know you said you wanted to
do nothing on your birthday.
So we are here to be the
official do-nothing police.
Pull over and sit on the couch!
Ow! I have things to do today.
Tabloids, salami, cookie dough.
Garlic chicken.
Wait, there's more.
Windex, 409, tidy bowl.
I'm going to clean your house.
Really?
And, Sloane, I'm going to
take Silvia for the day
so you can just relax as
long as you'd like. OK?
Uh, the responsible mother in
me thinks that's a bad idea.
But the mother in me that smells
like old, dried breast milk
thinks it's just fine. Go ahead.
Aw...
It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
And I once made a tuxedo for a
squirrel who lived in my backyard.
You guys have a great day, OK?
Come on, Silvia,
I'm going to take you clubbing.
Yeah. You're going
to be my wing baby.
I'm just kidding, Sloane.
It's OK. Take her
wherever you want.
OK. Let me take a shower so
I can get ready for this.
- No. No, no, no.
- None of us have showered.
This is do nothing day. And we
take it very, very seriously.
Well, I know you take
that very seriously.
But I don't just sit around and
do nothing all the time. OK?
Look away.
Oh! Ooh!
OK. Now salami.
Ugh.
All right. Now cookie dough.
Now tequila.
Oh, that's good.
That's even better
than the tequila,
the cookie dough and
then the salami.
Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
Sloane, it's 'cause
you're drunk.
I know.
This is how Olivia and I
live our lives every day.
- OK. The slideshow's cued up.
- Oh, press "play."
Oh, my God! You
made a slideshow?
I love it! I love that!
I love you, Olivia, even
though I don't like you.
And I really love you, Dee Dee.
You remind me of Alice
from "the Brady bunch",
but minus all the
sexual tension.
I wasn't allowed to watch
"the Brady bunch."
My dad was racist.
Is that you and Sloane?
Where were your parents?
Laughing their asses off.
Oh, look! It's my man.
Oh, hi honey! I miss you. Hi!
Oh, he hasn't even
seen our daughter yet.
Can you believe that?
He hasn't seen
how perfect and
beautiful she is.
Oh, what's that smell?
Is that me or did something
die in the wall?
- Oh, that's all you.
- Oh.
Hmm. Nobody ever tells
you when you're a mother
that you're never going to be able
to take another shower again.
I used to be fresh and clean
in all the special areas.
I don't have time to get
manicures or pedicures.
The bottom of my feet
are, like, scaly.
They look like a lizard or
something out of "Jurassic park."
Ooh! You could pick up
a trout with those.
I know. Ever since
Chris got deployed,
I haven't had time
to do anything.
I haven't waxed my area.
I mean, when I'm naked
I just look like
I'm riding a standard
poodle bareback.
Not that you're making
me uncomfortable,
but isn't this onesie adorable?
Hi, I'm a dancing baby!
Hee hee hee.
Isn't my niece cute? And isn't
Rick cute when he holds her?
Oh, man. I think I just
shot an egg in my pants.
Hello.
- Chelsea, it's Chris.
- Oh, my God!
Hey! Don't tell Sloane it's me.
Who is it?
Uh, my pot dealer.
Where are you?
Atlanta. Listen, I want to
surprise Sloane for her birthday.
My tour just ended,
but she doesn't know.
I'm going to be
there in 4 hours.
4 hours?
I'm going to see if I
can catch the salami
with my toe claws.
Ow.
I got to take a quick nap. OK?
Wake me up when it's over.
Can you make sure that Sloane
is at home when I get there?
I cannot wait to see my new baby
and my beautiful wife.
You're not going
to believe this.
But she has gotten
even more beautiful.
All right, Chris is going
to be here in 4 hours.
Oh, pretty!
Yet not enough, Olivia.
Sloane is going to kill me
if Chris sees her like this.
Sloane, wake up.
Oh, crap. Well, we got to get her
showered and, like, do her hair.
And then do her other hair.
Yeah. I'm not going anywhere
near my sister's other hair.
Dee Dee, you like tidying up.
Oh, no. I could never get that close
to another girl's baby manger.
OK. Well, we're going
to need professionals.
OK. I'll drive.
OK. My sister drank too much
and her husband is coming
back from Afghanistan.
We have to make her
look beautiful,
and we only have a few hours.
So you drug her and sell
her to rich Saudi man?
We're not lying. Her
husband really is
coming home from the war.
Yeah, but if she wakes
up, don't tell her.
She doesn't know.
You pay me Cash, I help you
load her on the plane.
Hey there. How you doing?
What's going on here? Why
is my Pikachu throbbing?
Because I make it pretty.
You're getting a spa treatment.
That's part of your surprise.
No! You said we were
going to do nothing.
Well, now we're taking
a family photo.
A... that's why you wax me?
What kind of family
photo are we taking?
And what are you scrubbing me with?
That hurts.
There is no beauty without
bother, Devchonka.
Are you Russian?
Yes. And so are you
judging by your black forest.
I want to go home. No.
We've got pretty
clothes for you!
No, no, no. I want my clothes.
I want my underwear and my
sweatpants that are big and blousy.
I don't want anything fancy.
Oh, no. Those had to go bye-bye.
- Why?!
- They actually walked away.
Come on, it's your birthday!
It's your birthday?
I have special treatment for you.
Flip over.
OK, now you just brush your
teeth and you're done.
Get away from me.
If you put that in my mouth,
I will bite your face.
OK. I'm going to say this as
delicately as I know how.
Your mouth smells like an
entirely different hole.
Hey, Sloane, take a sip of this
and it'll make you feel better.
Thank you, Dee Dee. Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's mouthwash.
Oh. OK, I'm going to leave the
tongue scraper right here.
You are going to look beautiful
for the family photo.
I hate my family.
Thank God. You're sobering up.
It's not funny. This is one of the
worst birthdays I've ever had.
All I asked you to
do was do nothing,
and you're not even
capable of that.
You're right. I suck.
You do suck. You suck
at a lot of things.
You know what? The surprise
isn't going to suck.
Are you ready to be
really, really happy?
Ta-da!
Happy birthday, honey!
I got you a sweater
and some wrapping paper if you
want to make it more of a to-do.
Yay.
Well, good to see you too.
Chelsea, you might just
be my new favorite.
Really, dad?
Don't kiss ass. It's
not attractive.
OK. Get ready to be blown away.
Come on in.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, great. My baby's back.
I don't know what it is.
But I just realized
what an adorable
young man Rick is.
I thought Sloane's
husband was coming.
This has got to be him. Come in!
Good evening, ladies.
Who the hell is that?
Sloane Bradley, the commandant
of the marine corps
has entrusted me to express
his deep regret...
Oh, no! No! No!
That you are way too sexy for
a man to keep his clothes on.
The marine corps sent a stripper
to tell Sloane her
husband's dead?!
Why? Why would you do this?
Why would you do this?
OK. That's enough. You can stop.
That's enough.
Slow down, tiger. All right.
Birthday girl gets the
first slice of cake.
Sloane?
Chris?
Oh, my God! What are
you doing home? Hi!
I'm so happy you're here.
And you're safe.
Is that our little girl?
Yeah! Yeah.
Look. Look who's here.
Hi. Hi, Silvia.
I'm your daddy.
It's nice to meet you. Yeah.
Hi.
Oh, wow. She's beautiful.
- I know.
- She's just like her mother.
Surprise.
Could somebody hand
me my tearaway pants?
Man, I've never seen
you this emotional.
Well, come on. That was, like,
the sweetest thing
I've ever seen.
Yeah. Soldiers and babies
and strippers.
It's like a hallmark card.
Sloane was really surprised.
Yeah.
I did good, huh?
You did great.
So, what about you?
You like being surprised?
It never works on me. I
always figure it out.
And then I have to
pretend to be surprised.
Whoa. Dude, are you kidding me?
I'm sorry. I just thought...
Oh, and Sloane. I'm
taking Silvia.
So you can just relax all day.
Uh, the responsible mother in
me thinks that's a bad idea.
But the mother in me that reeks of
breast milk thinks that's fine.
Hi, beautiful.