Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( telephone ringing )

HELLO, MILLSTONE MANOR.

WHO DO YOU WANT?

MR. HUMPHRIES.

HANG ON, I'LL JUST WAKE HIM.

MR. HUMPHRIES? MR. HUMPHRIES?

- HELLO, MAVIS.
- IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

AT THIS TIME OF THE MORNING?

SHE'S PROBABLY BEEN
TO ALL NIGHT BINGO.

HELLO, MOTHER.



YES, THAT WAS A
GIRL'S VOICE YOU HEARD.

YES, SHE'S THE COOK.

YES, I HELP HER IN THE KITCHEN.

NO, I'M NOT IN THE KITCHEN NOW,

I'M IN BED.

SHELLING PEAS.

I DON'T WANT HER
TO KNOW TOO MUCH.

NO, SHE'S JUST BROUGHT
SOMETHING UP FOR ME.

MY BREAKFAST.

MOTHER, I'M SITTING UP IN BED

WITH A BOILED EGG AND
HALF A DOZEN SOLDIERS.

HELLO? HELLO, ARE YOU THERE?

THEY'RE TOAST SOLDIERS, MOTHER,

TO DIP IN ME EGG, HA HA!



NOW I BETTER HAVE IT NOW,
OTHERWISE IT'LL GET COLD.

BYE-BYE.

HAVEN'T YOU TOLD HER

THAT WE'RE BUNKING UP TOGETHER?

SHE'S VERY
OLD-FASHIONED, MY MOTHER,

SHE THINKS I OUGHT
TO SAVE MESELF.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU CASHED YOURSELF IN.

I'VE WAITED SO LONG,
I'D PROBABLY BOUNCE.

NOW... DO YOU WANNA
TAKE THE TOP OFF,

OR SHALL I DO IT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOUR EGG.

YOU'RE JUMPY THIS MORNING.

I'VE HAD A VERY
DISTURBED NIGHT, MAVIS.

I DREAMT I WAS MARRIED
TO ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

ME TRUCK HAD GONE OUT OF CONTROL

DOWN THE AVENUE OF STARS,

I GOT JOAN CRAWFORD
ON THE BONNET,

AND THEN THE PHONE RANG.

HURRY UP AND FINISH YOUR EGG.

WE GOTTA HELP DAD
PLANT THE TATERS.

HE'S DONE HIS BACK IN.

( pounding )

WHAT'S THAT BANGING?

THAT'D BE CAPTAIN
PEACOCK AND MISS LOVELOCK.

FIXING THE ROOM
UP FOR MISS BRAHMS.

HURRY UP.

THERE ARE A LOT OF OLD PICTURES

MR. GRACE LEFT ME.

THEY MIGHT BE USEFUL
TO COVER UP BLANK WALLS.

I'M NOT SURE THAT THE
PLASTER WILL HOLD THEM.

OH, LOOK. THIS IS WILFRED,

THE FOURTH EARL OF MILLSTONE.

APPARENTLY THERE
WAS A TERRIBLE SCANDAL.

HIS WIFE'S YOUNGER
SISTER, LEONORA,

FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM.

LOOK, HE WAS TERRIBLY HANDSOME.

THEY HAD AN ASSIGNATION
IN THIS VERY ATTIC.

HIS WIFE FOLLOWED THEM
AND SHOT THEM BOTH DEAD.

I THINK THERE'S A
PICTURE OF HER AS WELL.

I'LL GO AND GET IT.

( melodramatic music playing )

COME IN.

LEONORA!

WILFRED!

CRUSH ME IN YOUR STRONG ARMS!

ONE WHIFF OF YOUR HEADY PERFUME

AND REASON FLIES,

LEAVING ME AT THE MERCY
OF UNBRIDLED PASSION!

THIS IS MADNESS,
WILFRED, MADNESS!

I'M CAUGHT LIKE A LEAF IN
THE VORTEX OF OUR LOVE!

PASSION OVERWHELMS ME!

CONSUMMATION
WILL WAIT NO LONGER!

ENOUGH OF WOOING;

NOW, FOR DOING!

( knock on door )

YOU COULD'VE LET ME IN.

I'VE GOT AN ARMFUL OF PICTURES.

OH! HEH... HERE SHE
IS... THIS IS THE WIFE.

NO WONDER HE WENT
FOR THE YOUNGER SISTER.

I THINK IT WOULD LOOK
RATHER GOOD OVER HERE.

WE'LL TRY, ANYWAY.

NOW THEN... ABOUT THERE?

THERE'S A HOLE!

AND IT'S ONLY
COVERED WITH PAPER.

Mr. Rumbold: PAY
ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.

WE DON'T WANT THIS
POTATO PLANTING BUSINESS

TO TAKE TOO LONG,
SO I DEVISED A SYSTEM

WHICH IS RATHER MORE MODERN

THAN THE OLD-FASHIONED
WAY OF DOING THINGS.

PERFECTLY SIMPLE...

I SHALL DRIVE THE TRACTOR
AND MAKE TWO TRENCHES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL
TOW THE POTATO TRAILER,

MISS BRAHMS WILL SIT
ON THE POTATO TRAILER

AND PASS THE POTATOES
TO MR. HUMPHRIES,

WHO WILL PUT THEM
IN THE TRENCHES.

NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES, PUT THEM IN

14 INCHES APART. IS THAT CLEAR?

DO I PUT THEM IN WITH THE
EYES DOWN OR THE EYES UP?

I DON'T THINK IT REALLY MATTERS.

WELL, IF THEY SPEND A WEEK

TRYING TO DISCOVER
WHICH WAY IS UP,

WE'RE GOING TO GET A LATE CROP.

OH, VERY WELL.

EYES UP. RIGHT. TO YOUR POSTS.

IT'S ALL VERY WELL,
BEING SELF SUFFICIENT,

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SEE MYSELF

ON THE BACK OF A
TRAILER SLINGIN' SPUDS.

IT'S VERY THIRD WORLD, ISN'T IT?

A TRAILER, LOOK AT IT.

HASN'T EVEN GOT A SEAT!

IF YOU LIKE, MISS BRAHMS,

YOU CAN SIT ON THE TRACTOR,
AND I'LL SIT ON THE POTATOES.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE
DON'T WANT 'EM MASHED

BEFORE THEY GET INTO THE GROUND.

OH, BOLD!

IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GET UP MY NOSE,

PERHAPS IT'S AS WELL
THAT CAPTAIN PEACOCK

IS FIXING UP THE
SPARE ATTIC FOR YOU.

IS EVERYBODY READY?

All: YES!

START TRACTORS!

( engines starting )

TRACTORS ROLL!

MR. HUMPHRIES! WHERE ARE YOU?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, STOP!

MR. RUMBOLD!

MR. RUMBOLD, STOP!

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS
BECOME OBSCURED.

OH, DEAR. IT'LL
CLEAR IN A MINUTE.

I CAN'T FIND THE HOLE!

IS IT ALL RIGHT NOW?

I CAN ALMOST SEE
MR. HUMPHRIES NOW.

RIGHT. FORWARD.

HURRY UP, MR. HUMPHRIES.

YOU'RE GETTING BEHIND.

MISS BRAHMS, SLOW DOWN!

I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PAIR OF HANDS.

NOW, WHAT IS IT... OH!

STOP, MR. RUMBOLD.

STOP!

WE'RE LOSING
MR. HUMPHRIES AGAIN.

WHATEVER'S THE MATTER WITH YOU,

MR. HUMPHRIES?

UNH.

REALLY!

I DON'T KNOW. PERFECTLY
SIMPLE BUSINESS.

THERE ARE POTATOES
ALL OVER THE PLACE,

HARDLY ANY OF THEM
ARE IN THE TRENCHES,

AND THOSE THAT ARE

ARE FAR MORE THAN
14 INCHES APART.

YOU'LL HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.

IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE,

MERELY A MATTER OF COORDINATION.

YOUR EYES UP, POTATO IN TRENCH,

EYES UP, POTATO IN
TRENCH, MOVE 14 INCHES.

EYES UP, POTATO IN TRENCH,

EYES UP, POTATO IN TRENCH,

MOVE 14 INCHES... TRACTORS ROLL!

♪ PLANTING TATERS ♪

♪ BENEATH MY BOTTOM ♪

♪ AND POOR OLD RUMBOLD ♪

♪ IS SOON FORGOTTEN ♪

♪ HE JUST KEEPS PLANTING ♪

♪ HE KEEPS ON PLANTING ALONG ♪

IT'S IN HERE.

OH, POOR PUSSY!

I WONDER HOW IT GOT THERE?

PERHAPS IT WAS CHASING A MOUSE.

IT LOOKS RATHER SAD.

PERHAPS IT DIDN'T
CATCH THE MOUSE.

HOW DID YOU FIND IT?

WE WERE DECORATING THE ATTIC

FOR YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

I'M NOT SLEEPING IN A
ROOM WITH A DEAD CAT!

LOOK, THEY'VE...
THEY'VE COVERED IT...

COVERED THE HOLE WITH NEWSPAPER.

IT'S GOT A DATE ON IT.

1790.

THIS WOULD INDICATE

THAT THE POOR ANIMAL
HAS BEEN THERE...

WELL OVER 200 YEARS.

OH! I'VE NEVER SEEN
ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.

A 200-YEAR-OLD PUSSY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?

I THINK WE OUGHT TO
GIVE IT A DECENT BURIAL.

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE CHAPEL

WITH A NICE STONE OVER IT.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW ITS NAME.

WELL, IT COULD BE A
TOURIST ATTRACTION.

"THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN PUSSY."

NO, I DON'T THINK IT
SHOULD BE BURIED.

I MEAN, IT COULD BE OF INTEREST

TO THE LOCAL MUSEUM.

OH, YES. I READ ABOUT
THAT IN THE PAPER.

THAT'S WHERE THEY PUT
THAT FOSSILIZED BOG MAN.

WHERE DID THEY FIND HIM?

IN A LOCAL BOG.

HAD HE BEEN THERE LONG?

ABOUT 5,000 YEARS.

I BET THERE WAS A QUEUE OUTSIDE.

THE POINT WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE,

MR. HUMPHRIES,

IS THAT OBJECTS LIKE THIS,

IN A DECENT STATE
OF PRESERVATION,

ARE OF INTEREST TO ANTIQUARIANS,

AND SHOULD NOT BE BURIED.

I'LL MAKE SOME INQUIRIES.

OH, YES. THERE'S BOUND
TO BE AN ASSOCIATION

FOR THE PRESERVATION
OF PETRIFIED PUSSIES.

LET'S GO AND LOOK
IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

WE'LL LET OUR FINGERS
DO THE WALKING.

IT'S VERY GOOD
OF YOU TO DRIVE US

TO THE MUSEUM, MISS LOVELOCK.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO
KNOWS WHERE IT IS.

YOU HANDLE IT VERY WELL.

WELL, I'D OFTEN DRIVE MR. GRACE.

HE LOVED THE MOTION, YOU KNOW?

BOUNCING UP AND DOWN

WHILE I WAS CRACKING THE WHIP.

YOU KNOW, DESPITE HIS AGE,

HE WAS AT HIS HAPPIEST
WHEN WE WENT FLAT OUT.

I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT SOMETIME.

OH, IT'S SO ROMANTIC,
TRAVELING ALONG LIKE THIS.

ONE ALMOST EXPECTS A
HANDSOME HIGHWAYMAN

TO LEAP OUT OF A COPSE
ASTRIDE A BLACK HORSE,

WHIP OUT HIS PISTOL AND
SAY, "STAND AND DELIVER."

THAT SHOULD GET
THE ADRENALINE GOING.

ALL YOU'D GET NOWADAYS

IS SOME YOBBO ON A LAMBRETTA

WHO SNATCHES YOUR HANDBAG.

IS THAT CAT ALL RIGHT?

IT'S IN THE BOX.

OH, MISS LOVELOCK?

WOULD YOU TRY TO
AVOID THE POTHOLES?

THESE SEATS ARE RATHER
FIRMLY UPHOLSTERED.

Captain Peacock: YOU ALL
GO AND FIND THE CURATOR,

AND I'LL PARK THE HORSE.

TAKE MY HAND, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, I'M STILL VIBRATING

AFTER THAT COBBLED STREET!

WELL, IT MIGHT BE
ROMANTIC, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BUT IT'S NO GOOD FOR
THE RHEUMATICS, IS IT?

I'LL TAKE THE MUMMIFIED MOGGIE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL
RIGHT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I'VE PARKED CENTURION
TANKS, MISS LOVELOCK.

I THINK I CAN MANAGE

A SMALL PONY AND TRAP.

GEE-UP, NEDDY. COME ON.

DON'T DO ANYTHING
WE'D BE ASHAMED OF.

THERE'S NOBODY HERE.

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE.

AH.

WE'RE SHUT.

OH, LET ME HAVE A TRY.

I SAID WE WERE SHUT.

I WISH TO SEE THE
CURATOR OF THIS MUSEUM.

I HAVE A PUSSY OF
GREAT ANTIQUITY,

AND I'D LIKE HIM TO
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

( banging noise )

HELLO?

ARE YOU THERE?

YES, YES. MOST INTERESTING.

WE HAVE A FEW SIMILAR MUMMIFIED
FELINES IN OUR COLLECTION,

AND IT'S IN A REMARKABLE
STATE OF PRESERVATION.

WAS THERE NO BODY WITH IT?

NONE.

I ASK PURELY, YOU SEE,
BECAUSE MANY YEARS AGO,

IT WAS THE PRACTICE
TO BURY ANIMALS

WITH THEIR MASTERS.

DO YOU KNOW, WE ONCE DISCOVERED

A SAXON KING BURIED
WITH HIS HORSE!

WELL, THIS WAS IN THE ATTIC,

THEY'D NEVER HAVE
GOT ONE UP THE STAIRS.

YES, WELL, WE WILL BE DELIGHTED

TO ACCEPT IT AS AN EXHIBIT.

NOW, WHILE YOU'RE HERE,

WE HAVE ONE OR TWO
OTHER INTERESTING ITEMS.

THIS HERE IS THE
TOOTH OF A MASTODON.

THIS WAS A VERY LARGE ANIMAL

WHICH ROAMED THESE
PARTS MANY, MANY YEARS AGO,

LONG BEFORE THE ICE AGE,
VERY SIMILAR TO AN ELEPHANT,

ONLY MUCH, MUCH LARGER.

IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?

THE TAIL WAS FOUND
150 FEET AWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MIDDLE?

WE COULDN'T GET AT THAT

WITHOUT DEMOLISHING
THE EXPRESS DAIRY.

NOW, FOLLOW ME.

THIS, THIS IS VERY INTERESTING.

THIS IS NEFERTITI'S AUNT.

THIS IS PARTICULARLY
INTERESTING HERE,

BUT WE ARE NOT SURE
WHETHER THIS IS PART

OF THE WING OF A PTERODACTYL...

OR A RATHER OLD UMBRELLA.

I IMAGINE YOU'RE WAITING
WITH BATED BREATH

FOR THE CARBON DATING.

AND THIS... IS THE
FAMOUS BOG MAN.

WOULD YOU SAY HE
WAS NEANDERTHAL?

IT'S VERY HARD TO
DATE HIM, YOU SEE.

I SHOULDN'T THINK
ANYONE WOULD WANT TO.

THE ONLY CLUE WE HAVE

ARE THE FLINT IMPLEMENTS
THEY USED AT THE TIME.

WE THINK HE WAS A
POTTER. DO YOU SEE?

HE STILL HAS HIS
TOOL IN HIS HAND.

IT'S VERY WELL PRESERVED.

FUNNY THING HAPPENED...

I WENT UP TO MILK DAISY,

SHE GIVED A COUPLE A SQUIRTS,

THEN SHE... DRIED UP.

WELL, THAT NEVER
HAPPENED BEFORE, DAD.

WHAT'RE YA COOKIN'?

LEMON MERINGUE PIE.

I'LL HAVE A BIT OF THAT,

WHEN SHE'S READY.

I'LL JUST GO AND WASH ME HANDS.

OOH, IT'S NICE AND WARM IN HERE.

IT WAS QUITE
CHILLY ON THAT TRAP.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

GIVING ME A TICKET
FOR PARKING A HORSE.

WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT IF YOU LEAVE IT

ON A DOUBLE YELLOW LINE?

THERE'S NOT MANY
OF THOSE AROUND.

WHERE DID YOU PARK?

NEAR THE MUSEUM.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
FOUND A DRIED UP MOGGY

IN THE ATTIC SO
WE GIVE IT TO 'EM.

YOU FOUND A DRIED
UP CAT IN THE ATTIC?

YES, IN A HOLE IN THE WALL.

- AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY?
- YES.

OOH! YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT!

YOU DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT AT ALL.

NO WONDER DAISY DRIED UP.

THAT CAT WERE PUT
THERE FOR A REASON.

IT'S TO BRING GOOD
LUCK UPON THE HOUSE.

IT CANCELS OUT THE BAD
AND BRINGS IN THE GOOD.

SUPERSTITIOUS NONSENSE.

OH, YOU MAY SAY THAT,

BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE OLD MILL HOUSE

WHEN THAT YOUNG COUPLE MOVED IN.

WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

WE NEVER FOUND OUT.

DOESN'T SEEM VERY CONCLUSIVE.

THERE'S A' OLD SAYIN'
ROUND THESE PARTS,

"TAKE A CAT FROM THE WALL,

BAD LUCK SHALL BEFALL.

YOU FIND IT IN A NICHE,

LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS."

THAT NEITHER SCANS NOR RHYMES.

MR. RUMBOLD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I MUST SIT DOWN.

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
I PULLED THE CHAIN,

AND THE WHOLE
CISTERN FELL ON MY HEAD.

I WAS LUCKY NOT TO BE KILLED.

"WHEN YER PULLIN' THE CHAIN,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BRAIN."

NOW DON'T YOU
MOCK, MR. HUMPHRIES.

ME AND DAD TAKE
THIS VERY SERIOUS.

WELL, WE WAS VERY NEARLY HIT

BY THAT HOLIDAY
COACH COMING BACK.

I THINK WE CAN PUT THAT DOWN

TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S DRIVING.

MIND YOU, THERE WAS
ALSO THAT POOR MAN

WHO COLLAPSED IN THE MUSEUM.

WELL, THE FERRULE OF
YOUR UMBRELLA UP HIS NOSE

MIGHT HAVE HAD
SOME BEARING ON THAT.

'TIS STARTED.

I'LL NOT SET FOOT IN THIS HOUSE

TILL THAT CAT IS
BACK IN THE WALL.

YOU COMIN', GIRL?

OOH, I'M THINKIN', DAD.

WELL, LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'VE THUNK.

WELL, I FOR ONE,
SHALL STICK IT OUT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. RUMBOLD?

I... I... I SHALL
CERTAINLY STICK IT OUT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

ARE YOU GONNA STICK IT OUT?

I SHALL DO MY VERY BEST.

MIND YOU, I'M NOT
PROMISING ANYTHING.

WELL, I'M STAYING,

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

WELL, I'M STARVIN'.

IS THERE ANYTHING TO EAT?

I GOT A NICE LEMON
MERINGUE PIE IN THE OVEN.

- FANCY A BIT O' THAT?
- OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

RIGHT, YOU GET IT
OUT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THERE'S OVEN CLOTH ON THE SIDE.

I'LL GET THE PLATES.

AARGHH!

- AARGHH!
- ( plates breaking )

- OOH!
- OOH!

BACK! BACK!

( water sloshes )

( pump creaks )

WHO'S THERE?

AARGHH!

Mrs. Slocombe: OOH,
WHATEVER WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT
SOUNDED HORRIBLE.

I THINK IT WERE DAD.
PERHAPS HE'S SEEN SOMETHIN'.

WHATEVER IT WAS,

I HOPE IT'S NOT COMIN' IN HERE.

( knocking on door )

- OOH!
- IT IS!

LET'S ALL KEEP QUIET.
IT MIGHT GO AWAY.

REALLY! YOU'RE ALL
BEING HYSTERICAL.

IT'S JESSICA.

WHAT WAS THAT SCREAM?

IT WAS MR. MOULTERD
FILLING A BUCKET

FROM THE PUMP IN HIS PAJAMAS.

YOU SEE? EVERYTHING HAS

A PERFECTLY NORMAL EXPLANATION.

I WOULDN'T OF
THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL,

HAVING A PUMP IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

IS THE KETTLE ON? I'LL
HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.

OOH!

WELL, I'M NOT SLEEPING
OVER THE STABLES TONIGHT.

IT SUDDENLY WENT TERRIBLY COLD,

AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON

THERE WAS A GUST OF WIND
AND THE WINDOWS BLEW OPEN.

DO YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING

'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU'D LAUGH.

JUST BEFORE I CAME DOWNSTAIRS,

THE LIGHTS IN MY BEDROOM
FLICKERED OFF AND ON,

AND THEN ME DRAWERS FLEW
OPEN AND FELL TO THE GROUND.

AND I PROMISE YOU,
THEY WERE NOT TOUCHED

BY HUMAN HANDS.

WAS THERE ANY WIND?

NOT THAT I NOTICED.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ONE
OF THEM POLTERGEISTS.

ARE THEY MALE OR FEMALE?

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,

BUT THEY GET UP TO
ALL SORTS OF TRICKS,

AND THEY USUALLY DO IT AT NIGHT.

MM, I'VE MET ONE
OR TWO OF THOSE.

YOU'RE ALL LETTING
YOUR IMAGINATION

RUN AWAY WITH YOU.

THERE'S PROBABLY

A PERFECTLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

I MEAN, THE FLOORS
ARE BOUND TO BE UNEVEN

IN A HOUSE OF THIS AGE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S DRAWERS
PROBABLY DROPPED OPEN

DUE TO THE... THE VIBRATION
CAUSED BY A PASSING LORRY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT IT WOULD TAKE MORE
THAN A PASSING LORRY

TO MAKE MY DRAWERS
FALL TO THE FLOOR.

WE STILL HAVEN'T EXPLAINED WHAT
COME OUT OF THE OVEN, EITHER.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
THERE'S JUST A CHANCE

I COULD HAVE USED
BICARBONATE OF SODA

INSTEAD OF SUGAR.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE?

A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE EXPLANATION.

MYSTERY SOLVED.

WHO LEFT A DEAD
PIG ON THE STAIRS?

I'M QUITE SURE THAT
CAPTAIN PEACOCK

HAS A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE EXPLANATION.

WELL, PERHAPS MR. MOULTERD

ORDERED ONE FROM THE BUTCHER'S,

AND WAS, UH, BRINGING IT
INTO THE KITCHEN TO SHOW US

WHEN HE WAS DISTRACTED.

PROBABLY BY THE THUD

OF MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
DRAWERS FALLING.

I AM GOING TO BED.

AND TO DEMONSTRATE
THE LITTLE CREDENCE

THAT I GIVE TO THE PARANORMAL,

I SHALL SLEEP IN THE ATTIC,

IN THE ROOM VACATED
BY THE DEAD CAT.

AND YOU, MISS LOVELOCK,
MAY HAVE MY ROOM.

I THINK THAT WAS
VERY GALLANT OF HIM.

IS THERE A SPARE
HOT WATER BOTTLE?

NOW, MISS LOVELOCK,

IF YOU'RE AT ALL
WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING,

DO REMEMBER THAT
MISS BRAHMS AND I

SHARE THE ROOM NEXT DOOR.

YES, AND SHE HAS
TIDDLES UNDER THE BED.

AND AT THE SLIGHTEST
HINT OF ANYTHING AMISS,

SHE RUNS STRAIGHT
UP THE CURTAINS.

JUST FOR THE RECORD,

THERE IS NO PIG ON THE STAIRS!

YOU MUST'VE IMAGINED IT.

WELL, I NEVER.

THAT WOULD SEEM TO CAST
SOME DOUBT UPON MY SANITY,

AND YET, MENTALLY,
EVERYTHING SEEMS

TO BE WORKING
PERFECTLY NORMALLY.

12 EIGHTS ARE 96,

REYKJAVIK IS THE
CAPITAL OF ICELAND,

HADRIAN'S WALL WAS
BUILT BY HADRIAN.

YES, IT'S ALL THERE.

( a body falls )

Captain Peacock: OW! BLAST!

WHO LEFT SIX POUNDS

OF PORK SAUSAGES
ON THE PASSAGE?!

THAT'S MY FAULT.

I LEFT 'EM THERE WHILE I WAS

FOLDING MY UMBRELLA.

SIR, DON'T GO BACK

TO THAT ATTIC, I BEG YOU!

YOU'LL BE LYIN' THERE
ALL BY YOURSELF,

FACING FORCES UNKNOWN.

COME AN' BUNK UP WITH
ME AND MR. HUMPHRIES.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, MAVIS,

BUT, I'D RATHER
FACE THE UNKNOWN.

GOOD. NOW, I NEEDN'T
CHANGE ME PAJAMAS.

NOW THEN, SHALL I
TAKE A SLEEPING PILL

SO THAT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING,

OR SHALL I TAKE A TRANQUILIZER,

SO I DON'T CARE?

TAKE BOTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK WE OUGHT TO GO
AND ASK FOR OUR CAT BACK

AND PUT IT BACK IN THAT HOLE.

I QUITE AGREE, MISS BRAHMS.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT A PASSING LORRY COULD MOVE

A HEAVY THING LIKE THIS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND
YOU'RE A HEAVY LORRY,

AND JUMP UP AND DOWN,
SEE IF THEY FALL OUT AGAIN?

( thumps echoing )

THERE, YOU SEE? NOTHING MOVED,

WILL YOU BE DOING THAT FOR LONG?

SHE'S PRETENDING
TO BE A HEAVY LORRY.

JUGGERNAUT, MORE LIKE IT.

OH, OOH!

THAT GIRL GETS RIGHT UP MY NOSE.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, MISS BRAHMS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK SHE IS?

A WHAT?

WHAT?!

A TART!

MISS BRAHMS, BUNG
UP THAT KEYHOLE.

( cat meows )

( cat meows )

Mrs. Slocombe: QUIET, TIDDLES.

( tapping noise )

( whistling )

( banging noise )

( banging noise )

MR. HUMPHRIES?

I CAN HEAR A HORRIBLE
GHOSTLY KNOCKING SOUND.

MR. HUMPHRIES,

I CAN HEAR A HORRIBLE
GHOSTLY KNOCKING SOUND.

WELL, STICK YOUR
FINGERS IN YOUR EARS,

LIKE ME.

Mr. Rumbold: CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

BEGONE EVIL THING!

IT'S CUTHBERT RUMBOLD!

OH, GOD!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

I'VE JUST HEARD A NUN
SINGING IN THE BATHROOM.

I SUPPOSE THEY HAVE TO
GO LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

CAN I COME IN WITH YOU?

NO, I'LL COME IN WITH YOU.

MR. HUMPHRIES?

HAVE YOU NOTICED

HOW THE TEMPERATURE'S DROPPED?

I'M TRYING TO IGNORE IT.

I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WE CAN'T SEE

TRYIN' TO TELL US
SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW.

VERY LIKELY.

IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL

WE'RE GONNA WAKE UP DEAD!

THAT'LL GIVE US
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

MR. HUMPHRIES?

DO YOU FEEL A RISIN' UP?

YES, I DO, AND IF THAT

ISN'T PARANORMAL, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

ARE YOU DOIN' IT?!

I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!

WELL, SOMETHIN'S DOIN' IT!

AN' IT'S GETTIN' WORSE!

( both scream )

PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SEE

IF EVERYTHING'S ALL
RIGHT WITH MR. HUMPHRIES.

ANYTHING PARANORMAL?

NO, CERTAINLY UNUSUAL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

YOUR BEDCLOTHES ARE...
MOVING UP AND DOWN.

I AM AWARE OF THAT, MISS BRAHMS.

IS IT WIND?

DEFINITELY NOT.

THE WINDOW IS TIGHTLY CLOSED.

OH!

IT'S DOING IT TO ME NOW.

OH, AND LOOK!

THERE'S FOG COMIN'
OUTTA YOUR DRAWERS.

THAT SETTLES IT.

MISS BRAHMS, DO YOU
FANCY A CUP OF TEA?

YES, I DO.

- IN THE KITCHEN?
- YES.

RIGHT. ONE... TWO... THREE!

ARGH!

Mrs. Slocombe: COME ON.

THE SOONER WE GET THAT CAT BACK,

THE BETTER.

WE'RE SHUT... OH, IT'S YOU!

I'D BETTER DEAL WITH
THIS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I WONDER IF WE COULD SEE

THE PERSON WHO
ATTENDED TO US YESTERDAY?

I BELIEVE HE'S THE CURATOR.

HE'S IN THE MUSEUM.

THEY'VE JUST GONE TO FETCH HIM.

THANK YOU. HE'S IN THE MUSEUM.

UH...

MAY WE ASK YOU A SMALL FAVOR?

I HAVE NO TIME TO
DO ANYMORE FAVORS.

MY WIFE HAS JUST LEFT ME.

THE PTERODACTYL'S
WING TURNED OUT TO BE

AN OLD UMBRELLA AFTER ALL.

SOMEONE HAS STOLEN
THE BOG MAN'S TOOL

AND SUBSTITUTED IT
WITH A BOTTLE OF TIZER.

AND NOW NEFERTITI'S
AUNT HAS FALLEN ON ME.

CAN WE HAVE OUR CAT BACK?

TAKE ANYTHING YOU LIKE, MADAM,

TAKE ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

IT'S BEEN NOTHING

BUT A CATALOG OF
DISASTERS SINCE...

HE MUST BE OVER HERE,

IN THE PETRIFIED PUSSY SECTION.

THE QUESTION IS,
WHICH ONE IS OURS?

THERE'S ONLY ONE
WAY TO FIND OUT.

PUSS, PUSS, PUSS...

THERE HE IS.

COME ON.

MUMMY'S TAKING YOU HOME.

COME ON, CHUCK.

( theme music playing )