Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

MY WORD, HAVEN'T YOU LEFT YET?

MR. THORPE'S TRAIN
ARRIVES IN 20 MINUTES.

WE'RE WAITING FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.

HE'S VERY KEEN TO PRACTICE
IN COUNTRY MATTERS,

AND I PROMISED HE COULD HAVE
A GO ON THE WAY TO THE STATION.

I'LL GIVE HIM AN HONK.

( honking )

MR. HUMPHRIES, NOW
APOLOGIZE TO MR. THORPE.

EXPLAIN THAT WE'RE TRYING

TO ECONOMIZE AND EVERYTHING,



WHICH IS WHY WE
HAVEN'T SENT A TAXI.

I'LL TELL HIM WE ONLY
USED A GALLON OF HAY.

YOU LOOK EVER SO
SMART, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OH, THANK YOU, MAVIS.

I READ THAT MAGAZINE
CALLED "THE FIELD."

DO YOU KNOW, THERE WAS
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN IT

THAT WASN'T DRESSED LIKE THIS?

SOMEBODY'S PUT TOO MUCH
STARCH IN THESE JODHPURS.

I CAN'T GET ME LEG UP.

OH, REALLY, MR. HUMPHRIES!

THANK YOU.

RIGHT.

HERE'S YOUR WHIP,

AND HERE ARE THE REINS.



NOW, THE FIRST THING

YOU MUST DO WITH HORSES

IS TO LET THEM KNOW
WHO'S IN CHARGE.

I SEE. GOOD MORNING, NEDDY.

I'M MR. HUMPHRIES.
I'M THE DRIVER.

NOW I'M IN CHARGE,

SO DON'T DO ANYTHING
UNTIL I LET YOU KNOW.

HE'S PRICKED HIS EARS UP.

DO YOU KNOW, I'VE
NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?

RIGHT, OFF YOU GO.

RIGHT. WALKIES.

OH, SIT! SIT!

- TRY GEE-UP.
- OH, YEAH.

GEE-UP!

GOOD MORNING, MISS LOVELOCK.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NO WONDER YOU HAVE
SUCH A TRIM FIGURE

WITH ALL THAT EXERCISE.

CAN I HELP YOU?

THERE'S A FORK IN THERE.

OH. RIGHT.

OF COURSE. I SUPPOSE YOU

MUST'VE DONE A BIT
OF THIS YOURSELF,

WHEN YOU WERE ATTACHED
TO THE BENGAL LANCERS.

WHEN DID I MENTION THAT?

LAST NIGHT, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN

YOUR FOURTH AND FIFTH MARTINI.

YES, WELL, IT WAS A
SECRET OPERATION.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SPOKEN OF IT.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN 50 YEARS AGO!

OH, IT'S STILL VERY
SENSITIVE POLITICALLY.

THEY WERE STIRRING TIMES,

AND I WAS DESPERATELY YOUNG.

THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT
YOU THAT I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU DO ANY PIG-STICKING?

ONLY WHEN THERE
WAS AN "R" IN THE MONTH.

AND I SUPPOSE ALL THE GIRLS
WERE TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE.

OH, TERRIBLY.

WERE THEY HUNGRY FOR MEN?

WE WERE RATIONED.

DID YOU HAVE BEARERS AND
PUNKAH WALLAHS AND EVERYTHING?

PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING.

WISH I'D KNOWN YOU THEN.

WELL, YOU... YOU KNOW ME NOW.

YES...

BUT IT'S NOT QUITE
THE SAME THING, IS IT?

WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

OH, HE'S OUT PLAYING THE
COUNTRY GENT SOMEWHERE.

HE'S REALLY PERKED UP

SINCE WE COME TO THE COUNTRY.

IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S SINCE
HE MET MISS LOVELOCK.

HE'S REALLY GOT HIS TONGUE

HANGING OUT AFTER
HER, HASN'T HE?

ISN'T IT SAD THE WAY
MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

GO A BIT STUPID WHEN SOME
BIT OF A GIRL SMILES AT THEM?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS
LAUGHING AT HIM.

THAT'S NOT WHAT HE THOUGHT.

I MEAN, IMAGINE YOU AND I

GOING GAGA OVER SOME YOUNG MAN

JUST BECAUSE HE GIVES US A BIT

OF COME HITHER.

OH, WELL, I STILL
GET A BIT OF, UH...

COME HITHER.

WELL, SO DO I.

IN FACT I GET QUITE A LOT OF...

COME HITHER.

BUT I DON'T GO GAGA ABOUT IT.

WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER

TAKING A YOUNGER LOVER?

CERTAINLY NOT, MISS BRAHMS.

WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS SAY?

MIND YOU, I WOULDN'T SAY NO

TO A BIT OF DALLIANCE
WHEN ON HOLIDAY.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
PREFERENCE FOR OLDER MEN.

THEY HAVE MORE TO OFFER.

YES, MISS BRAHMS,
ONLY NOT SO OFTEN.

THIS IS VERY FAR FROM THE
MADDING CROWD, ISN'T IT?

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD
YOU YOU'VE GOT GOOD HANDS?

NOT IN THIS CONTEXT.

WHEN YOU'VE GOT A
BIT MORE PRACTICE,

I'LL TEACH YOU HOW
TO HANDLE A PAIR.

( ringing bell )

STILL SETTING YOUR
CAP AT MY WOMAN, I SEE.

I AM NOT YOUR WOMAN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!

ARE YOU STILL TRYING
TO COME BETWEEN US?

I'M JUST HERE TO
HANDLE THE HORSE.

IF YOU'D JUST COME
UP ON THE OTHER SIDE,

NONE OF THIS WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED.

YOU REMEMBER MY WARNING TO YOU?

YES, I DO. YOU SAID,

"NEVER GO ALONE
DOWN A DARK LANE,"

AND I SWEAR TO YOU, I
HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR ONE.

DO YOU WANT TO GET
DOWN AND HAVE IT OUT NOW?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M MEETING A TRAIN.

HE'S NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!

OH, NO?

HE COULD HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST!

I'M ON A DIET.

YOU NAME THE TIME AND THE PLACE,

AND I'LL BE THERE!

SORRY TO BARGE IN

WHEN YOU GOT YOUR
SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME EGGS.

MR. MOULTERD, HOW DARE YOU
COME IN WITHOUT KNOCKING?

I'M IN MY DRESSING GOWN.

I'VE SEEN YOU IN A
SIGHT LESS THAN THAT.

NO, MR. MOULTERD, YOU HAVE NOT!

THIS IS ALL IN YOUR IMAGINATION.

WAS IT ALL IN ME IMAGINATION

WHEN YOU WAS IN THE MISS
LOVELY LEGS COMPETITION

IN 1942 IN TIVERTON?

I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

WHO WON A LOBSTER
FOR COMING IN THIRD?

HOW MANY WAS IN THE COMPETITION?

FOUR.

IT WAS 16!

MIND YOU,

SHE HAD A FIGURE
ON HER IN THEM DAYS.

I BET IT'S STILL THERE

SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH.

WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN

LIKE THE OTHER YOUNG
MEN OF YOUR ERA

AND HAD AN OBSESSION
ABOUT BETTY GRABLE?

OOH, I DID HAVE.

BUT YOU WAS MORE AVAILABLE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK IT'S
ABOUT TIME YOU GOT READY.

MR. THORPE'LL BE HERE SHORTLY.

OH, WHAT DOES HE WANT THIS TIME?

WELL, THERE'S SOME
QUERY ABOUT A CHECK

FOR A BOOKING
MADE SOME TIME AGO.

OH, WELL, I'D BETTER
GO AND RUN A BATH.

WANT YOUR BACK SCRUBBED?

MR. MOULTERD, ONE
MORE REMARK LIKE THAT

AND YOU CAN TAKE A
WEEK'S WAGES AND GO.

WELL, I AIN'T HAD A
WEEK'S WAGES YET.

RIGHT. HERE'S THE
SCRAPS FOR THE GOAT.

NOW BE OFF WITH YOU AND
WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF YOUR LIP.

YES, MISS.

SEE, I RESPECT HER.

HOW COME HE DOES
WHAT YOU TELL HIM?

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
WAY WITH ANIMALS.

THAT WAS VERY
CHILLY AND VERY BUMPY.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

OH, HE HAD TO LIE DOWN.

MAVIS HAS GOT A VERY
JEALOUS BOYFRIEND.

THERE'S A NOTE ON IT.

YOU READ IT, MISS BRAHMS.
MY HANDS ARE STILL SHAKING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY
NO HEED TO MALCOLM.

HE'S JUST LARKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT BOYS ARE.

I'M BEGINNING TO REMEMBER.

"DON'T GO DOWN ANY
LANES, EVEN IN DAYLIGHT,

OR YOU'LL FIND SOME ROUGH LADS

WAITING FOR YOU."

DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

COME IN, MR. THORPE.

SIT YOURSELF DOWN.

MISS LOVELOCK, POUR
MR. THORPE A DRINK.

WHAT'LL IT BE, MR. THORPE, A
WHISKEY, VODKA, GIN, BRANDY?

YES, I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

WITH A TWIST OF LEMON.

OH, I HOPE I HAVEN'T KEPT
YOU WAITING, MR. THORPE,

BUT I'VE HAD SUCH A SHOCK.

I HEARD SUCH A MEOWING

WHEN I WAS PUTTING
MY NIGHTCLOTHES AWAY,

AND DO YOU KNOW, I
FOUND MY PUSSY TRAPPED

IN MY DRAWERS!

MAKE THAT A DOUBLE,
MISS LOVELOCK.

NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,

A BOOKING WAS MADE
SOME MONTHS AGO,

AND A CHECK WAS PAID
FOR A CULTURAL VISIT

FOR A PARTY FROM...
WHERE WAS IT?

OUTER MONGOLIA.

WHERE'S THAT?

NEXT TO INNER MONGOLIA.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL, THE CURRENCY FROM
THAT PART OF THE WORLD

FLUCTUATES A LOT.

WHAT'S THE RATE OF EXCHANGE?

WELL, AT THE TIME
OF THE BOOKING,

THE MONGOLIAN DUNG
WAS 200 TO THE POUND,

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE DUNG HAS FALLEN.

WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?

DEEP IN THE MONGOLIAN CURRENCY.

IT STANDS TODAY
AT 500 TO THE POUND.

YES, I HAD HOPED, MR. THORPE,

THAT THE GRACE TRUST FUND

WOULD MAKE UP THE SHORTFALL.

NO, I'M AFRAID
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

A COUPLE OF CLAUSES
WERE TYPED IN

SHORTLY BEFORE HIS DEMISE.

WERE THEY WITNESSED?

YES, BY MISS LOVELOCK.

I WAS THERE. I HAD TO TYPE
THEM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

MR. GRACE TOOK OUT HIS
PORTABLE THERE AND THEN

AND MADE ME TAKE THEM DOWN.

AHH, THE ENERGY OF THE MAN.

HE ALSO INITIALED THEM.

IN A VERY SHAKY HAND.

WELL, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.

WE JUST GIVE THEM
BED AND BREAKFAST.

IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS ALL THAT,

WE CONTRACTED FOR FULL BOARD.

ALSO, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A...

A CULTURAL EVENT.

NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I THINK YOUNG
MR. GRACE'S INTENTION

WAS TO HIRE PEOPLE
FROM THE ROYAL BALLET,

THE ENGLISH NATIONAL OPERA,
AND STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

TO PERFORM EXTRACTS.

WELL, WE CERTAINLY
CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

MIND YOU, I ONCE SOLD
VANESSA REDGRAVE A RED BERET.

AND A MACKINTOSH
AND A PAIR OF PLIMSOLLS.

I WONDER IF SHE'D REMEMBER.

THAT'S RATHER A
LONGSHOT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WELL, SHE OFTEN WEARS THEM.

WELL, DO WE HAVE ANY
OTHER CONNECTIONS

WITH THEATER OR MUSIC?

WELL, I ONCE TURNED OVER
FOR SIR MALCOLM SERGEANT.

WELL, THEY'VE PAID THEIR MONEY,

SO THEY'LL EXPECT SOMETHING,

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE.

WELL, YOU CAN FORGET
THE NATIONAL OPERA

AND THE ROYAL BALLET.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND

IN THE LOCAL AMATEUR SOCIETIES.

WELL, TIME IS ON OUR SIDE.

I SHALL PUT AN ADVERTISEMENT
IN THE LOCAL PAPER.

I'VE BROUGHT THE POST.

SIT YOURSELF DOWN, MR. RUMBOLD,

I'M JUST MAKING SOME COFFEE.

MOSTLY BILLS, I'M AFRAID.

ANY REPLIES TO
YOUR ADVERTISEMENT

ABOUT CULTURAL TALENT?

WELL... THERE'S A MAN HERE

WHO OFFERS TO PUT
FERRETS DOWN HIS TROUSERS

TO THE STRAINS OF
HANDEL'S WATER MUSIC.

OH. HOW MANY FERRETS?

HIS RECORD IS SEVEN.

MY DAD USED TO DO THAT.

HE USED TO PUT SIX FERRETS

DOWN HIS TROUSERS,

AND THEN DO A CLOG DANCE,

BUT HE HAD TO GIVE IT UP

'CAUSE THE FERRETS
WENT ON STRIKE.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I THINK THE NOISE OF THE
CLOGS GIVE THEM AN HEADACHE.

WELL, THAT'S ALL WE HAVE SO FAR.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN
YOUR PARCEL, MR. HUMPHRIES?

ME MOTHER'S SENT
ME ME PHOTO ALBUM.

OH, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

OH, NO, NO, IT'S
TOO EMBARRASSING.

- OH GO ON.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK, LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S ME, STARK NAKED,

EXCEPT FOR A NAPPY
ON A HEARTH RUG.

AWW.

HOW OLD WERE YOU?

27.

I'D BEEN TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY.

I PASSED OUT IN THE PARLOR.

NOW, LET ME SEE...

THERE'S ME AS A
LITTLE BABY, LOOK.

THERE'S ME GRANDDAD
THROWING ME IN THE AIR.

THERE'S ME GRANDDAD MISSING ME.

THERE'S THE AMBULANCE.

AND THERE'S ME GRANDMA

STANDING ON ME
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM.

OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU NEARLY DIED?

WELL, IT WAS TOUCH AND GO.

I WAS UNCONSCIOUS,

I WAS GOING DOWN
THIS LONG TUNNEL,

AND THERE WAS A MAN AT THE END

WAGGING HIS FINGER LIKE THAT.

HE SAID, "WE'RE NOT
READY FOR YOU YET.

AND WE'RE NOT SURE
WHEN WE WILL BE."

DID HE HAVE WINGS LIKE AN ANGEL?

NO, HE WAS DRESSED
AS A BUS CONDUCTOR.

DO YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE

THERE IS A LIFE
AFTER WE POP OFF?

I BELIEVE IT'S JUST
LIKE CHURCH WINDOWS

WITH LOVELY MUSIC PLAYING

AND EVERYONE BEING
KIND TO EACH OTHER.

IT SOUNDS VERY BORING.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
AN HEATHEN UNBELIEVER?

MR. RUMBOLD!

WELL, I DID HAVE A VERY
STRANGE EXPERIENCE ONCE.

I REGRESSED TO A PREVIOUS LIFE.

IT WAS MY DENTIST THAT DID IT.

HE SAID I WENT INTO A TRANCE

WHILE I WAS HAVING
GAS FOR THESE CAPS.

OH, YES, SOME OF
THEM ARE QUITE LIFELIKE.

APPARENTLY, DURING THE TRANCE,

I REMEMBERED BEING
SOMETHING BIG IN ANCIENT EGYPT.

OH. A SPHINX?

NONE OF WHICH
BRINGS US ANY CLOSER

TO SOLVING OUR CULTURAL
ENTERTAINMENT PROBLEM.

WELL, I'M SURPRISED
THAT SO FEW PEOPLE

HAVE REPLIED TO
OUR ADVERTISEMENT.

WELL, FOLKS ROUND HERE

DON'T LIKE TO PUSH
THEMSELVES AND SHOW OFF.

BUT WE'VE HAD SOME FINE SHOWS

DOWN THE VILLAGE.

OH, DAD KNOWS ALL THE PEOPLE.

IF YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT,

HE'LL FIND THEM FOR YOU.

HELLO?

THIS IS MAURICE MOULTERD.

IS YOUR MOTHER IN?

I CAN'T SPEAK NO LOUDER.

I'M HAVING TO SPEAK QUIET

'CAUSE I'M AT THE MANOR.

ASK YOUR MOTHER

IF SHE CAN STILL GET HER LEGS

ROUND THAT CELLO.

HE DON'T HEAR TOO GOOD.

OH, THE POOR LITTLE
LAD. HOW OLD IS HE?

62.

SHE CAN?

WELL, ASK HER TO GET
ROUND TO THE MANOR

THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:00.

WELL, THAT'S A FEW I GOT FOR YA.

THERE'S THE LIST.

WELL, THAT'S REALLY VERY GOOD.

NOW THEN,

WHO'S GOING TO AUDITION THEM?

WELL, I WAS AT THE BALLET SCHOOL

AS A CHILD.

I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT THE DANCERS.

AND I KNOW QUITE
A BIT ABOUT SINGING.

OH, I'M SUCH A FAN OF
THAT NEW ZEALAND SINGER,

KIRI TIRI WHIRRY
WHAT'S-HER-NAME.

YOU AND MRS. AXELBY

USED TO DO DUETS, DIDN'T YOU?

"NELLIE DEAN" DOWN
THE DUCK AND FEATHER.

WELL, ON OCCASION.

BUT OF COURSE WE DID THE
CLASSICS AS WELL, YOU KNOW.

I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT
AFTER CLOSING TIME,

WE DID THE "BARBER OF SEVILLE"

IN THE SNUG.

I'LL BET HE WISHED HE'D
SUPPED UP AND GONE HOME.

I'LL VOLUNTEER TO
AUDITION ANYBODY

WHO ASPIRES TO
RENDER SHAKESPEARE.

OH, YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU HAVE SUCH A MELLOW TONE.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
BECOME A BBC ANNOUNCER.

SURELY YOU MUST'VE BEEN AT
SOME TIME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

IT WAS BETWEEN ME AND ROBIN DAY.

UNFORTUNATELY,
I WAS TOO LIKABLE.

WELL, I USED TO HAVE
ELOCUTION LESSONS

BUT YOU FEEL SUCH A BERK
TALKING POSH IN CATFORD.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A SIDE OF YOU

I'M NOT ACQUAINTED
WITH, MISS BRAHMS?

( posh accent ) THE
LAZY BROWN FOX

JUMPED OVER THE BROWN COW

AND THE DOG RAN
AWAY WITH THE SPOON.

DO YOU OFTEN USE THAT SENTENCE

IN CONVERSATION?

( posh accent ) ONLY
WHEN SOMEONE

GETS UP MY HOOTER.

WHO'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S ME AND
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.

SHE LOOKS QUITE NICE.

WAS THERE ANYTHING
BETWEEN YOU TWO?

ONLY THE FENCE.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
SHE USED TO PLAY

WITH MY HORNBY.

AND I USED TO SPRING CLEAN

HER DOLL'S HOUSE.

THAT'S PROBABLY
WHY YOU'RE SO TIDY.

YOU KEEP OUR ROOM LOVELY.

WELL, ME MOTHER ALWAYS SAYS,

"A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING
AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE."

YOU OUGHT TO LET ME
TAKE CARE OF ALL THAT.

GIVE YOU TIME FOR
MORE MANLY THINGS,

LIKE HAVING A
SCRAP WITH MALCOLM.

MAVIS, I'VE BEEN MEANING

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

COULDN'T YOU WRITE HIM
A LETTER OR SOMETHING

AND SAY THERE'S NOTHING IN IT?

WELL, I DID TRY
TO EXPLAIN TO HIM.

I TOLD HIM THAT ALL WE
DO IS SLEEP TOGETHER,

AND HE HIT THE ROOF.

COULDN'T YOUR DAD
TALK TO HIS MOM?

MALCOLM WON'T START NOTHING.

UNLESS HE'S HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

OR HE'S HAD A BAD DAY
ON HIS OLD TRACTOR...

OR HE'S GOT THAT
RINGING IN HIS EARS...

OR HE LOSES AT DARTS!

WHAT'S HE LIKE WHEN IT RAINS?

TERRIBLE!

WHAT YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING FOR THE
WEATHER FORECAST.

ARE YOU READY FOR
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?

OH, YES, YES, YES.

SHE'S ROSINED HER BOW.

SHE'S GOING TO GIVE
US HER IMPERSONATION

OF JULIAN LLOYD WEBBER.

I HOPE SHE'S NOT GOING TO DO

ANYTHING TOO DIFFICULT.

WELL, AT HER AGE,

GETTING HER LEGS ROUND
THE CELLO AIN'T EASY.

MRS. CLEGHAMPTON!

WHY ARE WE APPLAUDING HER?

GETTING THERE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING
ALONG, MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.

I THINK AS I'M ORGANIZING THIS,

I'D BETTER DO THE TALKING.

COULD YOU GIVE US A RESUME
OF YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE?

YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE
THIS, BUT 40 YEARS AGO,

I PLAYED WITH SIR
THOMAS BEECHAM.

STRANGELY ENOUGH I'VE
JUST READ HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

DID HE MENTION...?

- MENTION WHAT?
- MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?

NOT THAT I RECALL.

I'M SURPRISED HE FORGOT.

WHERE IS YOUR INSTRUMENT,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?

OH, I CAN'T CARRY IT,

I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE
PLAYING IT. IT'S OUTSIDE.

MR. MOULTERD, MRS.
CLEGHAMPTON'S CELLO, PLEASE.

WHEN DID YOU MAKE YOUR DEBUT?

BEG PARDON?

WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME
YOU PERFORMED IN PUBLIC?

THAT'D BE TELLING, WOULDN'T IT?

I THINK IT'S BETTER IF I
HANDLE THIS, PEACOCK.

WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP
PLAYING PROFESSIONALLY?

WHEN MY G-STRING BROKE

ON THE LAST NIGHT OF THE PROMS.

I WONDER IF THAT WAS
UNDER SIR THOMAS?

YOUR CELLO.

IS SHE GOING TO
PLAY IT OR RIDE IT?

SIR THOMAS MUST'VE
BEEN A VERY PATIENT MAN.

I'VE GIVEN HER 10 POINTS ALREADY

AND SHE HASN'T PLAYED ANYTHING.

SHALL I START?

MAY WE KNOW WHAT
THE PIECE IS CALLED?

"THE DYING SWAN,"
BY SAINT-SAENS.

SAINSBURY'S?

SAINT-SAENS.

AH. OH, GOOD.

BUT I DON'T DO THE
TWIDDLY BITS NO MORE.

( playing amateurishly )

( meowing along )

( playing high note )

( playing I Want To Be Happy )

( all applauding )

All: NEXT!

VERY POLITE, THESE
MONGOLIANS, AREN'T THEY?

WITH ALL THEIR BOWING AND THAT.

I THOUGHT THEY'D
HAVE BIG MOUSTACHES

AND SPIKES ON THEIR HELMETS

LIKE YUL BRYNNER.

INSTEAD OF WHICH, THE
ONE WITH THE GUCCI BOOTS

LOOKS JUST LIKE LIONEL BLAIR.

NOW, THEY SAY THEY'RE VERY KEEN

ON RICE IN MONGOLIA,

SO I'M STEAMING
LONG RICE IN THIS POT,

AND SHORT RICE IN THIS ONE.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

OH, ABOUT THAT MUCH.

THEY'VE SENT A BOX OF
FOOD DOWN FOR THEM TO EAT.

OH. WHAT'S IN IT?

DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T
READ MONGOLIAN.

THERE'S A PICTURE
ON THE TIN, THOUGH,

LOOKS LIKE A FROG WITH ANTLERS.

OH! WHO'S DONE THAT?

IT'S THAT MALCOLM!

IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF,

MR. HUMPHRIES'LL
GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!

HE'S RUN OFF. HE'S
FRIGHTENED OF YOU.

HAS HE SENT YOU A MESSAGE?

HE OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T
AFFORD A STAMP.

WHAT'S IT SAY?

"IF YOU GO DOWN IN
THE WOODS TODAY,

YOU'RE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE."

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO,
JUST TO CALL HIS BLUFF.

IF I GO, I'LL HAVE TO
CALL AN AMBULANCE.

THEY'LL BE DOWN ANY MINUTE NOW.

NOW, ARE WE QUITE CLEAR
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?

WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH LUCK

WITH THE LOCAL TALENT,

BUT I THINK WE CAN GIVE THEM

A TASTE OF BRITISH CULTURE,

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

WELL, AS NONE OF
THEM SPEAK ENGLISH,

I EXPECT WE CAN
GET AWAY WITH IT.

ONE HOPES THAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET

THEIR DUNG'S WORTH.

GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT'S THIS?

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MRS. SLOCOMBE

ARE GOING TO PERFORM AN EXTRACT

FROM AN OPERETTA.

THEY'RE GOING TO
SING "THE DONKEY SONG"

FROM VERONIQUE.

WHAT DOES THE DONKEY DO?

NOTHING, I HOPE.

I JUST WALKS HIM ON, THEY SINGS,

THEN I WALKS HIM OFF.

I THINK IT WILL BE BETTER

IF YOU KEPT HIM AT
THE BACK OUT OF SIGHT

UNTIL I GIVE YOU THE
CUE, MR. MOULTERD.

OH, I'LL TETHER HIM. COME ON.

THE INTERPRETER
GAVE ME THE MUSIC

FOR THE OUTER MONGOLIAN
NATIONAL ANTHEM,

SO WE'RE OFF TO A GOOD START.

AH, THIS IS MISS LONG WEE,

THE INTERPRETER.

YES, WE'VE ALREADY MET.

SO?

SO.

SO?

SO.

SO, WHAT HAPPENS?

SO, I THINK WE'RE
NEARLY READY TO BEGIN.

AH. MISS WEE?

( playing fanfare )

TO BEGIN WITH, THE
MONGOLIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM,

PLAYED BY MR. RUMBOLD
ON THE PIANO,

AND MY DAD ON THE GONG.

( translating )

( pauses )

( continues speaking )

HAVE YA DONE?

YES.

( playing piano )

( song ends )

Mavis: THANK YOU.

AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
OF ENGLISH LIGHT OPERA,

AN EXTRACT FROM
VERONIQUE BY MASSINGER,

SUNG BY THEM WORLD
RENOWNED DUETTISTS,

PEACOCK AND SLOCOMBE.

( says three words )

HAH! GOT YA THAT TIME.

( begins song on piano )

( whispered )
MR. MOULTERD, THE DONKEY!

( vamping on piano )

WHEN DO WE START?

I'LL TELL YOU.

NOW!

Both: ♪ TROT HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪

♪ NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪

♪ DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪

♪ TROTTING HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪

♪ A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE YOUR FARE ♪

♪ TROT HERE AND THERE ♪

♪ TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪

♪ NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪

♪ DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪

♪ TROTTING HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪

♪ A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE ♪

♪ YOUR FARE ♪
♪ YOUR FARE ♪

♪ YOUR FARE ♪

( applause )

AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
OF ENGLISH CLASSICAL DRAMA,

A RECITEMENT OF SHAKESPEARE'S
"MERCHANT OF VENICE,"

BY A WELL-KNOWN
ELECTROCUTIONIST,

SHIRLEY BRAHMS.

( piano plays Greensleeves )

I WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE YOU MY PORTIA.

( translating )

( speaking Chinese )

HEAD OF DELEGATION SAID
HE WAS GOING TO BUY BMW,

BUT WILL GLADLY ACCEPT
YOUR OFFER OF A PORSCHE.

I'VE GOT A RIGHT BUNCH HERE!

JUST IGNORE THEM.

THE QUALITY OF
MERCY IS NOT STRAINED.

( translating )

IT DROPPETH... ( translates )

( sharply ) IT DROPPETH.

( translates with sharp tone )

CONSIDER IT DROPPTETH, RIGHT?

( translates )

IT FALLS AS THE GENTLE
RAIN FROM HEAVEN.

( translating )

HOW'S SHE DOING?

SHE'S JUST COMING
TO THE END OF IT.

SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH,

SHE'S USED SOME OF
THE ORIGINAL WORDS.

WELL, OF COURSE,

WE WERE A VERY
HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.

( applause )

TA EVER SO.

( playing Greensleeves )

AND NOW FROM THE WORLD OF DRAMA

TO THE WORLD OF BALLET,

WITH AN EXTRACT FROM
"ROMEO AND JULIET,"

PLEASE WELCOME NATASHA LOVELOCK

AND SERGEI HUMPHRIES.

( piano plays )

WHAT HAPPENING?

IT'S ROMEO.

HE'S LOOKING FOR JULIET.

( translating )

( speaking Chinese )

CAN I HELP?

THEY WANT TO KNOW
WHICH ONE IS JULIET.

THE VERY... THE VERY PRETTY ONE.

( translating )

AAH!

( playing Rule, Britannia )

All: ♪ RULE, BRITANNIA ♪

♪ BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES ♪

♪ BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ♪

♪ SHALL BE SLAVES. ♪

( applause )

( theme music playing )