Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
After Miss Brahms at breakfast has read the article about yesterday's cricket match in the local newspaper and Captain Peacock and miss Lovelock have taken a morning horse ride, Mr. Rumbold finds a letter, saying that a "Mr. Slocombe" will be coming to stay. Mrs. Slocombe soon realizes that it's her 42 year estranged husband, whom she has no desire to meet. When he's about to arrive, she first tries to hide in the cellar, but to no avail. Instead, she disguises herself as Mr. Moulterd's wife. The situation worsens, when it appears that Mr. Slocombe is interested in buying the manor. As he would be forced to keep the staff, Mrs. Slocombe thinks it extremely humiliating having to work for her ex-husband. In order to reduce his interest in buying, the gang all dress up as various "local yokels", all pretending to be part of the staff, so that he'll think it will be too expensive to run the manor.
( theme music playing )
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
COME ON, MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S YOUR TURN TO
WASH AND I'LL DRY.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY GLOVES?
I DON'T WANT TO GET
WASHDAY RED HANDS.
THESE SHOULD FIT.
THEY'RE DAD'S.
REALLY?
CAN'T IMAGINE HIM
DOING ANY WASHING UP.
NO, HE USES THEM TO
DELIVER THE CALVES.
I'LL WIPE.
WE WERE IN THE LOCAL PAPER.
THEY COVERED OUR CRICKET MATCH.
OH.
"MILLSTONE MANOR TRIUMPHS
OVER TENDER BOTTOM."
DOES IT MENTION ME?
YOU'RE THE STAR.
"THE WINNING STROKE WAS SCORED
BY B. SLOCOMBE, 86..."
WHAT?
NO, LISTEN: "86 WAS THE SCORE
THAT MILLSTONE NEEDED
TO BEAT TENDER BOTTOM.
THE FORMIDABLE MRS. SLOCOMBE
THUNDERED DOWN
THE PITCH SEVEN TIMES
TO CARRY HER TEAM TO VICTORY.
A NUMBER OF ATTEMPTS WERE
MADE TO CARRY HER SHOULDER-HIGH,
AND THIS WAS FINALLY ACHIEVED
USING A FORKLIFT TRUCK."
THOSE CHEEKY,
YOUNG CUB REPORTERS.
THERE'S A PICTURE OF US. LOOK.
THERE'S YOU, THERE'S ME...
THERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES
IN THE SLIPS.
AND THERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
OUT WITH HIS BAILS IN MIDAIR.
IS THAT MR. RUMBOLD
WITHOUT HIS GLASSES?
NO.
THAT'S THE WINNING TURNIP
IN THE VEGETABLE
AND FLOWER SHOW.
( laughing ) NO. I
MEAN THAT ONE.
OH, YEAH. SORRY.
( bell ringing )
OH, THAT'S PROBABLY THE POSTMAN.
I'LL GO.
LOOK, IT'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS LOVELOCK COMING BACK.
WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN?
MISS LOVELOCK'S BEEN TAKING HIM
FOR HIS FIRST RIDE.
HE WAS HANGING ON
TO THE TOWEL RAIL
DOING KNEE BENDS
FOR HALF AN HOUR
THIS MORNING.
OH, THAT'S WHAT THE
CRACKLING NOISE WAS.
I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
HAD LIT A BONFIRE.
MAKE MUCH OF YOUR HORSE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
PAT IT.
OH, I SEE.
WELL DONE, OLD CHAP.
NOW, TO DISMOUNT,
YOU SIMPLY TAKE
YOUR FEET OUT OF THE STIRRUPS,
THROW YOUR LEG
OVER THE HORSE'S HEAD,
AND SLIDE DOWN.
LIKE THIS.
I SEE, YES.
WELL, AHEM...
I CAN REMOVE MY FEET
FROM THE STIRRUPS,
ALL RIGHT, BUT THE...
THE THROWING BIT
DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL.
WHY NOT GET MISS LOVELOCK
TO GET YOUR HORSE TO SIT DOWN?
THEN YOU COULD SLIDE
OFF DOWN THE TAIL.
IT'S NOT A CIRCUS
HORSE, IT'S A HUNTER.
IF IT STANDS STILL, I
COULD GET A LADDER.
HERE, TELL YOU WHAT:
WHY DON'T YOU WALK
HIM UNDER A TREE,
HANG ONTO A LOW
BRANCH, GET IT TO GEE-UP,
AND THEN WHEN HE'S GONE,
YOU DROP DOWN
AND WE'LL CATCH YOU?
REALLY, MISS BRAHMS.
OOH!
THE FEELING SEEMS
TO BE RETURNING
TO MY LOWER REGIONS.
PERHAPS I COULD HELP YOU
TO GET YOUR LEG OVER,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I SHOULD LEAVE THAT
TO MISS LOVELOCK,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE'S HAD MORE EXPERIENCE.
( Captain Peacock groans )
THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( groaning )
IT'S BROUGHT THE
COLOR TO YOUR CHEEKS.
HOW DID HE GET ON?
HE'S GOT A NATURAL
RHYTHM WHEN WALKING.
UNFORTUNATELY, A RABBIT
POPPED OUT OF A HEDGE,
AND THE HORSE BOLTED.
MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE A SIGHT.
BY THE TIME I
CAUGHT UP WITH HIM,
THE EYES WERE ROLLING,
NOSTRILS FLARING,
FOAM WAS COMING FROM THE MOUTH.
ON TOP OF THAT, HE LOST HIS HAT.
HE'S SWEATING A BIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
PERHAPS I'D BETTER
GIVE HIM A RUB DOWN.
IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU
I THINK I'LL HAVE A SHOWER.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, THANK YOU.
OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR.
WHAT'S THAT, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
POOR MRS. AXELBY.
I THOUGHT SHE
WAS STILL IN SPAIN.
SHE'S JOINED A TERRORIST GROUP.
AND SHE'S NOT ENJOYING IT A BIT.
SHE'S NOT BLOWING
THINGS UP, IS SHE?
SHE'S KNOWN AS A SLEEPER.
THEY'RE GOING TO ACTIVATE HER
WHEN THE REVOLUTION STARTS.
WHAT IS SHE DOING
IN THE MEANTIME?
SHE'S SHACKED UP WITH A CLERK
IN THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL'S OFFICE.
SHE HAS TO GO THROUGH HIS BRIEFS
WHEN HE'S HAVING A SIESTA.
WELL, SHE ALWAYS
WANTED ADVENTURE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE LOOKING
RATHER DISTRAUGHT.
THEY WANT TO SUSPEND
ME AT THE DAFFODIL CLUB.
THAT SOUNDS VERY PAINFUL.
NO, IT'S A GAMBLING DEBT.
I WAS PLAYING STRIP POKER.
I OWE THEM TWO PAIRS OF
Y-FRONTS AND A CARDIGAN.
AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
THERE'S A REGISTERED
LETTER FOR YOU.
IT FEELS LIKE COINS.
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE MAIL?
YES, QUITE GOOD.
WE'VE HAD ONE OR TWO
INQUIRIES FOR BOOKINGS.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
WELL... I EARNED CERTAIN MEDALS
DURING THE WAR.
I NEVER BOTHERED
TO CLAIM THEM...
I HAVEN'T MUCH USE
FOR THAT SORT OF
THING, AS YOU KNOW...
BUT SEEING "THE GUNS OF
NAVARONE" A FEW WEEKS AGO
BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TO ME.
SO, I WROTE TO THE
MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
GIVING THEM THE
VARIOUS THEATERS OF WAR
IN WHICH I SAW SERVICE.
AND WHAT HAVE THEY SENT YOU?
UMM...
THE AFRICA STAR AND
THE DEFENSE MEDAL.
THEY'LL LOOK GOOD
ON YOUR PAJAMAS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
I'M ENTITLED TO MUCH
MORE THAN THAT.
'COURSE YOU ARE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU
WAS PARACHUTED INTO YUGOSLAVIA
WITH THE CHIPMUNKS?
THE CHETNICKS, MISS BRAHMS.
WELL, THERE'S STILL A "D" NOTICE
SLAPPED ON THAT
LITTLE ADVENTURE.
I'M FORBIDDEN TO SPEAK
ABOUT IT EVEN NOW.
HA HA! HERE'S A COINCIDENCE.
ONE OF THE GUESTS BOOKED
IN FOR NEXT THURSDAY
IS CALLED SLOCOMBE.
OH. WELL...
IT'S NOT AN UNCOMMON
NAME IN THE DALES.
- CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
- WHAT?!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YOU'VE GROWN QUITE
PALE UNDER YOUR PANCAKE.
OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
IS HE A RELATION?
I WAS MARRIED TO A
CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW LONG IS IT NOW
SINCE HE WALKED OUT ON YOU?
HE DIDN'T WALK OUT ON ME.
HE JUST... DISAPPEARED.
WHERE?
IN SAINSBURY'S.
IT WAS QUITE A
SHOCK, I CAN TELL YOU.
HE'D JUST GONE OUT
ONE MORNING AT 10 TO 9:00
TO BUY A POUND OF
SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
THEY USED TO CUT
IT OFF A BIG SLAB
AND BANG IT INTO SHAPE
WITH WOODEN BATS.
I KNOW, YES, THEY HAD
LITTLE GROOVES IN THEM,
USED TO KEEP THEM IN WATER.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE LEFT
YOU AS LONG AGO AS THAT.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, IT GOT TO
BE HALF PAST 12:00,
AND I THOUGHT TO MESELF,
"THAT'S FUNNY."
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAD MARGE ON ME TOAST.
ANYWAY,
AT 1:00 I WENT OUT
TO LOOK FOR HIM.
WELL, I SCOURED
EVERY PUB IN THE AREA
UNTIL I'D USED UP ALL
THE HOUSEKEEPING.
BUT THERE WASN'T A SIGN OF HIM.
THAT WAS 42 YEARS
AGO THIS EASTER.
HOW VERY SAD, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOBODY COULD UNDERSTAND IT.
I MEAN, HE WAS DEVOTED TO ME.
AND TO THE PUSSY
I HAD AT THAT TIME.
BUT YOU KNOW,
IT'S A FUNNY THING,
YOU KNOW HOW THESE
THINGS GO IN WAVES...
WELL, THERE WERE
QUITE A FEW PEOPLE
DISAPPEARED ABOUT THAT TIME.
THE WIFE OF THE MAN NEXT
DOOR VANISHED INTO THIN AIR
THE VERY NEXT DAY.
IN SAINSBURY'S?
OH, NO.
CO-OP.
WELL, HERE IT IS,
HERE'S THE LETTER.
OH, NO!
IS IT HIM?
I'D KNOW THAT
SIGNATURE ANYWHERE.
MANY'S THE TIME I'VE TRACED IT
ONTO ONE OF HIS CHECKS.
UNTIL HE CLOSED HIS ACCOUNT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OH, DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE PROBABLY WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU
AFTER 40 YEARS.
NOTICE THAT'S EXPENSIVE PAPER
AND RAISED WRITING AND ALL.
"SLOCOMBE LEISURE INDUSTRIES.
CHAIRMAN AND MANAGING DIRECTOR,
CECIL G. SLOCOMBE."
HE'S OBVIOUSLY DONE
WELL FOR HIMSELF.
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
HE'S GONE UP IN THE WORLD,
AND I'VE GONE DOWN.
OH, COME, COME.
YOU'VE ALWAYS HELD
A GOOD POSITION.
I WAS A SHOPGIRL!
A POOR SHOPGIRL.
NONSENSE.
I DIDN'T EVEN SELL
GRAND PIANOS OR TIARAS,
I SOLD KNICKERS AND BRAS!
AND NOW I'M NOTHING BETTER
THAN A CHAMBERMAID.
I LIVE IN AN ATTIC.
I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT
A ROOM OF ME OWN.
I HAVE TO BUNK UP WITH HER.
HE NEEDN'T KNOW
YOU BUNK UP WITH ME.
WHILE HE'S HERE, I'LL MOVE OUT.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE ROOM
WITH THE LEAKY ROOF.
OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS
IN ALL THE WORLD,
HE HAD TO CHOOSE THIS ONE.
I CAN'T FACE HIM,
I'LL HAVE TO GO.
NO, NO, DON'T BE HASTY.
NO, LOOK, WE CAN HIDE YOU
IN THE CELLAR TILL HE'S GONE.
HOW LONG IS HE STAYING?
A WEEK.
A WEEK SOON PASSES.
LOOK, YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN HAVE LOTS OF BLANKETS
AND A PRIMUS STOVE,
AND WE'LL BRING YOU DOWN
SANDWICHES AND
CUPS OF COCOA AND...
YOU CAN HAVE THE
TELLY AND YOUR OWN PO.
WHAT'S IT MATTER IF HE'S
DONE WELL AND SHE HASN'T,
AS LONG AS SHE WAS HAPPY?
SHE'S VERY CLASS
CONSCIOUS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE ALWAYS GETS INTO THE
FIRST CLASS COMPARTMENT
AND THEN WALKS
DOWN TO THE SECOND.
I THINK PEOPLE WERE HAPPIER
WHEN THEY KNEW
THEIR PLACE IN LIFE.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
THERE WERE ALL THE
SERVANTS IN THE BIG HOUSE,
AND THEN THERE WAS
LOTS AND LOTS OF WORKERS
RUNNING THE FARM.
WELL... HERE THEY ALL ARE. LOOK.
THAT'S MAD JED,
THE YOUNG COW MAN.
HE FELL OUT OF AN
'AYLOFT ONTO HIS HEAD.
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
OH, THEN THERE'S MR. RATCHETT,
THE GAMEKEEPER.
HE DRUNK TOO MUCH,
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
THEN THERE WAS ROSIE BELL.
SHE WAS THE DAIRY MAID.
SHE HAD A VISION, IT MADE
HER HAIR STAND ON END.
WHAT DID SHE HAVE A VISION OF?
WELL, WE COULDN'T FIND OUT,
BUT SHE COULD NEVER
GET IT TO LIE DOWN AGAIN.
BUT SHE WAS HAPPY.
THAT'S ME IN DAD'S ARMS.
YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY.
WELL, NEITHER WOULD YOU BE
IF YOU HAD OLD POTATO
SACKS FOR NAPPIES.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
SHE RAN OFF WITH THE BLACKSMITH.
I BET SHE WAS HAPPY.
LOOK AT THAT OLD CART
WE'RE ALL STANDING ON.
MY DAD MADE THAT OUT
OF OLD BEER CRATES.
SAME AS THE BED HE'S
PUTTING IN THE CELLAR
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL NEVER
SLEEP ON A HOMEMADE BED.
SHE'S DEFINITELY KENDAL
MILNES INTERIOR SPRUNG.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE HER OUR ROOM?
AND WE'LL CAMP OUT DOWN THERE.
IT'S ONLY A SMALL BED,
BUT WE'LL MANAGE IF
WE TURN OVER TOGETHER.
LET'S NOT COMPLICATE THINGS.
I MIGHT TURN AT THE WRONG TIME,
AND WE'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT.
HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOW, LOOK, YOU'LL BE
AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A...
BRICK!
I FAIL TO SEE WHY
YOU HAVE TO HIDE.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I QUITE AGREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU
STARTED OFF HUMBLE
AND FINISHED UP HUMBLE.
WHO'S TO SAY
HE'S GONNA RECOGNIZE YOU ANYWAY?
WELL, I DIDN'T AT FIRST,
AND NOBODY KNOW'D
YA BETTER THAN I DID.
I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
BUT I CAN'T STAY HERE.
IT'S LIKE BEING
IN CELL BLOCK "H."
LISTEN,
WHY DON'T YOU COME AND
BED DOWN IN MY COTTAGE?
I'LL GIVE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED,
AND WE CAN HAVE A GOOD LAUGH
ABOUT OLD TIMES.
MR. MOULTERD,
PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN.
IT'S A JOB, WITH YOU ABOUT.
I THINK I OUGHT TO TELL YOU,
HE'S HERE!
HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO
BE HERE TILL TOMORROW.
BUT HE GOT THE DATES WRONG.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK
LIKE? HAS HE GOT RED HAIR?
WELL, HIS HAIR IS
RECEDING A BIT, LIKE MINE.
HE HAS A FEW GINGER
THREADS, AMONG THE GOLD.
MEDIUM HEIGHT?
MEDIUM EVERYTHING.
THAT'S HIM.
IT SEEMS HE'S NOT
JUST HERE AS A GUEST.
HIS GROUP IS LOOKING
FOR PROPERTY AND LAND
TO DEVELOP AS A CONFERENCE
CENTER AND LEISURE PARK.
HE SAID HE'D MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL
OFFER IF THE PLACE SUITS HIM.
BUT WE CAN'T SELL. IT'S A TRUST.
OH HO HO. TRUSTS CAN BE BROKEN
WHEN THERE'S A LOT
OF CASH AT STAKE.
WHAT'S HE DOIN' NOW?
WELL, I LEFT HIM LOOKING
ROUND THE GROUND FLOOR,
BUT HE WANTS TO
INSPECT DOWN HERE,
AND THE FOUNDATIONS.
OOH! HE MUSTN'T FIND ME HERE!
TELL YE WHAT, COME AND HIDE
IN THIS OLD PRIESTS' HOLE.
THIS IS WHERE THEY USED TO HIDE
TO GET AWAY FROM
OLIVER CROMWELL.
OOH, GRACIOUS ME.
THEY MUST HAVE HAD
SOME VERY SMALL PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT, TRY BACKIN' IN.
( door creaking )
Mrs. Slocombe: LET ME OUT!
( pounding )
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I CAN'T STAY IN THERE.
IT SMELLS OF OLD PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT,
YOU CAN CLIMB
THROUGH THIS WINDOW.
YES, YOU GET UP
FIRST, MR. MOULTERD,
AND OPEN THE WINDOW UP FOR HER.
RIGHTY-O.
COME ALONG, COME ALONG.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A LEG UP.
Man: THERE DOESN'T
SEEM TO BE A SWITCH.
- DON'T LET HIM
COME DOWN HERE!
- SHH, SHH!
FEND HIM OFF, MR. RUMBOLD.
WE'RE TRYING TO FIX
UP A LIGHT FOR YOU.
PERHAPS YOU COULD
COME DOWN LATER.
WELL, OUR MAINTENANCE
CREW IS FIXING UP
A LIGHT FOR YOU, DOWNSTAIRS.
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE!
ENTERTAIN MR. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL GO AND TRY AND SPEED UP
THE MAINTENANCE CREW.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
WELL, HOW CAN I ENTERTAIN
YOU, MR. SLOCOMBE?
GIN AND TONIC?
I NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF.
I HAD A WIFE WHO
COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.
TERRIBLE WHEN IT
GETS TO THAT STATE.
SHOCKING. SHE GOT THROUGH
THE HOUSEKEEPING BY TUESDAY.
TELL YOU WHAT,
WHILE WE'RE WAITING,
COULD YOU SHOW ME THE OUTSIDE?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR. WE'LL
START ROUND THE BACK.
WALK THIS WAY.
PUSH!
PUSH!
I RECALL A SIMILAR SCENE
IN "WINNIE THE POOH."
HE GOT STUCK IN RABBIT'S HOLE.
NO WONDER IT GOT BANNED
FROM BRENT LIBRARY.
BY GOSH, IF YOU
WAS A PRIEST, RACHEL,
CROMWELL WOULD'VE
HAD YOU BY NOW.
OH, IT'S COLD.
AND I'M ONLY WEARING
THIS THIN FROCK.
YOU CAN PUT MY OLD
RATTIN' COAT ROUND YA.
OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.
I SEE YOU HAVE QUITE
A LARGE ACREAGE.
WE COULD INTRODUCE
SOME GAME BIRDS
INTO THE WOODED AREA,
AND THE VISITORS
COULD BANG AWAY,
WHEN THEY'RE IN SEASON.
I SUPPOSE YOU CAN
DO WHAT YOU LIKE
IF IT'S PRIVATE.
OOH, HECK. IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM!
IS THIS SOME OF
THE OUTSIDE STAFF?
YES. THIS IS MR. MOULTERD,
THE FARM MANAGER.
HOW DO?
AND THIS IS THE WIFE, RACHEL.
SAY HELLO TO THE NICE
GENTLEMAN, RACHEL.
( disguising voice ) HOW DO?
SHE'S A BIT SHY WITH STRANGERS,
BUT SHE'S ALL RIGHT
WHEN SHE GETS GOIN'.
THAT'S RIGHT, AIN'T
IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY IS, MR. MOULTERD.
DO YOU WORK ON THE
FARM, MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR. OOH, ARR.
AND, UH, HAVE YOU ANY CHILDREN?
NO, BUT IT ISN'T
FOR WANT OF TRYIN',
IS IT, RACHEL?
DO YOU LIVE IN THE MAIN HOUSE?
NO, I GOT A NICE LITTLE COTTAGE.
WELL, I OUGHT TO SEE THAT LATER.
YEAH, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME
ROUND FOR A CUP O' TEA,
WON'T HE, RACHEL?
OOH, ARR, HMM.
WELL, I SHALL ENJOY THAT.
YOU'LL MAKE HIM SOME BUNS,
WON'T YE, ME DARLIN'?
OOH, ARR.
MRS. MOULTERD'S QUITE
FAMOUS FOR HER BUNS,
AREN'T YOU, MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR. OOH, ARR.
OOH, UGH.
DO YOU THINK HE...
HE REALLY BELIEVES
THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS MRS. MOULTERD?
WELL, HE SEEMED TO.
POOR MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
GOT TO MAKE TEA FOR HIM
SO HE CAN INSPECT THE COTTAGE.
HE MUST INDEED BE
INTERESTED IN THE PROPERTY.
AW, YOU DON'T WANNA
SELL THIS PLACE,
YOU'RE BUILDING UP QUITE NICELY.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES
IS JUST SETTLIN' DOWN,
AREN'T YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
WELL, I AM SLEEPING BETTER.
THE FARMYARD NOISES
HARDLY DISTURB ME AT ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AN' HE EVEN SLEPT THROUGH
THE EARLY MORNIN' COCK TODAY.
DID YOU?
DO YOU KNOW, I MUST'VE DONE?
ANYWAY, AS I SEE IT,
ACCORDING TO THE
TERMS OF THE TRUST,
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL.
NO, OTHERWISE WE
WOULD'VE SOLD IT, RIGHT?
AND COPPED THE LOLLY?
WELL, AS I READ THE DOCUMENT,
IF THE TRUSTEES GET AN OFFER,
HIGHER THAN THE MARKET PRICE,
THEY'RE OBLIGED TO SELL.
AND DISTRIBUTE THE CAPITAL
AMONGST THE BENEFICIARIES, NAMELY, US.
WELL, WHAT IS THE MARKET VALUE?
WELL, IN THE PRESENT SITUATION,
THE PRESENT STATE OF
STRUCTURAL CONDITION,
I'D SAY, 350,000.
THAT'S NEARLY 50,000 EACH.
I SAY SELL.
HANG ON A MINUTE, MISS BRAHMS.
EVEN WELL INVESTED,
THAT WOULD BRING YOU IN
LESS THAN £100 A WEEK.
WE DID BETTER THAN THAT
WITH THE TOUR PARTY
AT THE WEEKEND.
ACCORDING TO ONE
OF THE PROVISIONS,
THE STAFF HAVE TO BE KEPT
ON, WE'D STILL HAVE OUR JOBS.
BUT WE WOULD NOT
BE OUR OWN BOSSES.
YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT RICH PEOPLE IS LIKE,
THEY'D HAVE YOU WORKING
YOUR FINGERS TO THE BONE.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES
IS NOT AN EARLY RISER.
AREN'T YOU?
DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAVE BEEN?
I THINK I SHOULD WARN YOU
THAT I SAW THE FIGURE 550
ON MR. SLOCOMBE'S NOTES.
PERHAPS HE WANTS HIS EARLY
MORNING TEA AT 10 TO 6:00.
HEY, YOU! OLD WOMAN!
YOU DO REALIZE THIS
IS PRIVATE PROPERTY?
IT'S ME, YA DAFT HA'PORTH.
MY WORD, YOU HAVE GONE NATIVE.
SHH, SHH!
YOU SEE, MY EX-HUSBAND IS HERE,
AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW
HOW I'VE COME DOWN IN THE WORLD.
SO, YOU'VE DISGUISED YOURSELF
AS A MILLIONAIRE TRAMP?
WILL YOU LOOK IN
THE KITCHEN WINDOW
AND SEE IF YOU CAN SEE A MAN
WITH RECEDING RED HAIR,
A PLAIN FACE,
AND MEDIUM EVERYTHING ELSE?
THERE IS.
OH, HECK.
IT'S MR. RUMBOLD.
IS THE COAST CLEAR?
YEAH, COME ON.
HE'S UPSTAIRS HAVING A SIESTA.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A TIME
AT MR. MOULTERD'S HOUSE.
DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
GOT A PHOTOGRAPH?
HE SAYS IT'S ME, PULLING
UP RADISHES AS A LAND GIRL.
WELL, IT WAS TAKEN FROM BEHIND,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.
OH, TAKE NO NOTICE OF HIM.
HE'S GOT LOTS O' PHOTOS
TAKEN FROM BEHIND
O' LAND GIRLS
PULLIN' UP RADISHES.
IT WERE ONE OF HIS WEAKNESSES.
HE WERE LAND GIRL MAD.
HE WAS QUITE SORRY
WHEN HITLER PACKED IT ALL IN
AND THEY HAD TO GO HOME.
HE'S SO EARTHY.
HE WANTED ME TO
MAKE HIM SOME BUNS.
HE GAVE ME A SACK OF
FLOUR, A BAG OF RAISINS
AND TOLD ME TO GET ON WITH IT.
AND DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
GOT A COOKING STOVE
WITH 1886 ON THE DOOR?
OH, NEVER YOU MIND
THAT. I'LL GO AND DO IT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, WE
WERE JUST DISCUSSING
WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS WILL BE
IF YOUR HUSBAND BUYS THE HOTEL.
CECIL? BUY THIS HOTEL?
YEAH, MR. RUMBOLD WAS SAYIN'
HE'D HAVE TO KEEP
US ON AS STAFF.
WHAT? ME WORK FOR
HIM AS A CHAMBERMAID?
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
DON'T UPSET YOURSELF.
AND HIM... WALKIN' ABOUT...
LOOKIN' DOWN HIS NOSE AT ME.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
ME MAGNETISM'S GONE.
I KEPT IT GOING FOR 20 YEARS.
I WAS HOPIN' HE'D COME BACK.
AND THEN YOUR
MAGNETISM LOST ITS PULL?
DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I'M SURE HE'D LET YOU
TAKE REDUNDANCY.
I'VE BEEN REDUNDANT
FOR 40 YEARS!
I DON'T THINK THAT WAS
VERY TACTFUL, MR. RUMBOLD.
HERE YOU ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WIPE YOUR EYES ON THE TEA TOWEL.
OH, THANK YOU, LOVE.
( blows nose )
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IF HE WAS TO TAKE ON
THE NUMBER OF STAFF
THAT THEY HAD ON THE
FARM IN THE OLD DAYS,
THEN, WELL, HE MIGHT
FIND THE PROPOSITION
NOT REALLY WORTHWHILE.
DID THEY HAVE A LOT?
OH, WELL, LOOK AT THAT.
OH, BLIMEY. THAT'S ENOUGH
TO PUT ANYONE OFF.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL HAPPY.
I'M SURE MR. MOULTERD
COULD RUSTLE UP
A FEW FARMING TYPES
FROM THE VILLAGE
TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS.
HALF A DOZEN LOCAL YOKELS
AND THE PROPOSITION WOULD
NOT SEEM COST EFFECTIVE.
MMM.
CHEER UP, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ALL IS NOT YET LOST.
EXCEPT YOUR MAGNETISM.
RIGHT. NOW, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU'VE A HEADWAITER AND
TWO ASSISTANT WAITERS,
YOU'VE A BARMAN, A HALL PORTER,
AND TWO CHAMBERMAIDS,
A MANAGER, A CHEF,
- AND TWO KITCHEN HANDS?
- AND ME!
I'VE SEEN THE BARMAN AND THE
MANAGER... WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
- IT'S THEIR DAY OFF.
- ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
THERE'S THE OUTSIDE STAFF.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE ONLY MET MR. AND
MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO ELSE IS THERE?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
THERE'S QUITE A FEW.
YOU'VE BEEN A LONG TIME, DAD.
MR. SLOCOMBE'LL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
WHERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S BEEN LOOKIN'
AT SOME OF MOM'S OLD CLOTHES.
BY GOSH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU'RE A FINE FIGURE OF A WOMAN!
I THINK YOU'VE TOOK
YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE
HERE AT LAST.
MR. MOULTERD,
I'M ONLY DOING THIS
FOR MILLSTONE MANOR,
SO DON'T GET ANY FANCY IDEAS,
AND YOU'RE VERY LATE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN UP THE VILLAGE
TO GET THE BLOKES
LIKE CAP'N PEACOCK SAID.
WHO'VE YOU GOT?
NOBODY.
THEM ALL GONE TO
THE CATTLE SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN
THEY'LL BE BACK.
I LEFT MESSAGES ALL 'ROUND.
HAVE YOU TOLD CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, HE DIDN'T HALF TAKE ON.
HE USED WORDS I AIN'T HEARD USED
SINCE I RUNNED OVER
THE VICAR'S FOOT
WITH A TRACTOR.
THEY'RE COMIN'.
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
YES, BUT YOU CAN'T
POSSIBLY BE MY DAUGHTER.
WE SAID WE HADN'T ANY CHILDREN.
YEAH, I SAID SHE WAS BARREN.
WELL, I BEST KEEP
OUT O' SIGHT THEN.
NO, NO, NO.
IF MR. MOULTERD DIDN'T
FIND ANYBODY IN THE VILLAGE,
WELL, YOU BETTER PRETEND
TO BE ONE OF THE WORKERS.
RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
( knock on door )
OH, COME IN, KIND SIR.
WE BE SIMPLE FOLK HERE,
BUT WE BE VERY 'APPY TO
SHARE OUR 'UMBLE GRUB.
THIS IS MR. SLOCOMBE,
FROM LONDON.
THIS IS MRS. MOULTERD.
YES, I'VE ALREADY
HAD THE PLEASURE.
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
WE NEVER HAD NO ONE
FROM LONDON BEFORE,
'AVE WE, MAURICE?
I BET YOU GOT A FINE BIG HOUSE,
AND NO DOUBT YOU
GOT A FINE YOUNG WIFE.
ONE O' THEY BIMBOS, I
SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT DOWN?
ASSEYEZ-VOUS.
THAT'S FRENCH FOR "SIT DOWN."
I LEARNT THAT AT SCHOOL.
I'VE WAITED 60
YEARS TO SAY THAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A NICE CUP OF TEA?
THANK YOU.
I EXPECT YOU'RE
USED TO FANCY CHINA?
'ELP YOURSELF TO BUNS,
AN' THERE'S BUTTER THERE.
SLIGHTLY SALTED,
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO SAINSBURY'S FOR 40 YEARS?
WELL, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE MEANTIME?
MRS. MOULTERD IS
ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN PEOPLES'... TRAVEL STORIES.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO'S THIS?
OH, I'M ROSIE BELL,
ONE OF THE DAIRY MAIDS.
THERE'S SEVERAL OF US.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WHAT AN UNUSUAL HAIRDO.
SHE HAD A VISION.
THAT'S WHY IT STOOD ON END.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHAT'S FOR TEA?
- BUNS.
- OH.
WITH SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
( chuckling )
HELLO. WHO'S THIS?
I'M THE GAMEKEEPER.
RATCHETT'S THE NAME,
CATCH-IT'S THE GAME.
AH. HOW DO?
HA HA HA.
SO, YOU'RE THE FINE
GENTLEMAN FROM LONDON
WHO'S GONNA TAKE
CARE OF US ALL, EH?
WE'LL BE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.
I BRUNG YOU A RABBIT.
IF IT'S TOO BIG TO GO
IN YOUR BRIEFCASE,
I'LL CHOP IT IN HALF.
NO, NO. THAT'S FINE.
YOU CAN GIVE IT TO
THAT BIMBO TO COOK.
YOU COULD HARDLY
DESCRIBE MY COOK AS A BIMBO.
TAKE NO NOTICE OF MRS. MOULTERD.
SHE READS "THE SUN" A LOT.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I COULDN'T FIND MY HAT,
AND THEN WHEN I FOUND
IT, IT WAS ON MY HEAD.
THIS BE MAD JED.
WHO FELL ON HIS HEAD.
WE THOUGHT HE WERE DEAD.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
I WHITTLED YOU SOME WOOD.
I MADE YOU A CLOTHESPEG.
I FORGOT TO DO THE
MIDDLE BIT THOUGH.
THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, UH... JED.
OH, I'M LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES I'M LIKE THIS...
BUT MOST OF THE
TIME, I'M LIKE THAT...
THIS BE THE FINE GENTLEMAN
WHO'S GONNA LOOK AFTER US ALL.
OH, I MUST TELL NED
AND ED AND FRED.
YOUR BROTHERS?
NO, MY SISTERS,
BUT THEY'RE HAPPY!
WELL NOW, THERE ARE RATHER
MORE WORKERS ON THE ESTATE
THAN I'D ALLOWED
FOR, MR. MOULTERD.
OH, THEY BREED LIKE
RABBITS DOWN HERE.
EXCEPT HER.
SHE'S BARREN.
HELLO.
I'M ROSIE BELL.
EH? I THOUGHT SHE
WAS ROSIE BELL?
OOH, UH... WELL, WE'RE TWINS!
TWINS?
YOU DON'T LOOK ALIKE.
WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE WE WAS BORN
AT SEPARATE TIMES.
ANYWAY, I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
I JUST FOUND OUT I'M PREGNANT,
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHO'S THE FATHER?
IT BE YOU, JED.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
I'M FLABBERGASTED.
I, UH, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
I'VE FOUND A FEW OF
THE FARM WORKERS.
COME IN!
YOU'D BETTER GET
MORE MUGS, MAURICE.
TELL US A STORY ABOUT LONDON.
WELL, I HARDLY KNOW
WHERE TO START.
HOW ABOUT SAINSBURY'S?
( theme music playing )
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
COME ON, MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S YOUR TURN TO
WASH AND I'LL DRY.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY GLOVES?
I DON'T WANT TO GET
WASHDAY RED HANDS.
THESE SHOULD FIT.
THEY'RE DAD'S.
REALLY?
CAN'T IMAGINE HIM
DOING ANY WASHING UP.
NO, HE USES THEM TO
DELIVER THE CALVES.
I'LL WIPE.
WE WERE IN THE LOCAL PAPER.
THEY COVERED OUR CRICKET MATCH.
OH.
"MILLSTONE MANOR TRIUMPHS
OVER TENDER BOTTOM."
DOES IT MENTION ME?
YOU'RE THE STAR.
"THE WINNING STROKE WAS SCORED
BY B. SLOCOMBE, 86..."
WHAT?
NO, LISTEN: "86 WAS THE SCORE
THAT MILLSTONE NEEDED
TO BEAT TENDER BOTTOM.
THE FORMIDABLE MRS. SLOCOMBE
THUNDERED DOWN
THE PITCH SEVEN TIMES
TO CARRY HER TEAM TO VICTORY.
A NUMBER OF ATTEMPTS WERE
MADE TO CARRY HER SHOULDER-HIGH,
AND THIS WAS FINALLY ACHIEVED
USING A FORKLIFT TRUCK."
THOSE CHEEKY,
YOUNG CUB REPORTERS.
THERE'S A PICTURE OF US. LOOK.
THERE'S YOU, THERE'S ME...
THERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES
IN THE SLIPS.
AND THERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
OUT WITH HIS BAILS IN MIDAIR.
IS THAT MR. RUMBOLD
WITHOUT HIS GLASSES?
NO.
THAT'S THE WINNING TURNIP
IN THE VEGETABLE
AND FLOWER SHOW.
( laughing ) NO. I
MEAN THAT ONE.
OH, YEAH. SORRY.
( bell ringing )
OH, THAT'S PROBABLY THE POSTMAN.
I'LL GO.
LOOK, IT'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS LOVELOCK COMING BACK.
WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN?
MISS LOVELOCK'S BEEN TAKING HIM
FOR HIS FIRST RIDE.
HE WAS HANGING ON
TO THE TOWEL RAIL
DOING KNEE BENDS
FOR HALF AN HOUR
THIS MORNING.
OH, THAT'S WHAT THE
CRACKLING NOISE WAS.
I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
HAD LIT A BONFIRE.
MAKE MUCH OF YOUR HORSE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
PAT IT.
OH, I SEE.
WELL DONE, OLD CHAP.
NOW, TO DISMOUNT,
YOU SIMPLY TAKE
YOUR FEET OUT OF THE STIRRUPS,
THROW YOUR LEG
OVER THE HORSE'S HEAD,
AND SLIDE DOWN.
LIKE THIS.
I SEE, YES.
WELL, AHEM...
I CAN REMOVE MY FEET
FROM THE STIRRUPS,
ALL RIGHT, BUT THE...
THE THROWING BIT
DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL.
WHY NOT GET MISS LOVELOCK
TO GET YOUR HORSE TO SIT DOWN?
THEN YOU COULD SLIDE
OFF DOWN THE TAIL.
IT'S NOT A CIRCUS
HORSE, IT'S A HUNTER.
IF IT STANDS STILL, I
COULD GET A LADDER.
HERE, TELL YOU WHAT:
WHY DON'T YOU WALK
HIM UNDER A TREE,
HANG ONTO A LOW
BRANCH, GET IT TO GEE-UP,
AND THEN WHEN HE'S GONE,
YOU DROP DOWN
AND WE'LL CATCH YOU?
REALLY, MISS BRAHMS.
OOH!
THE FEELING SEEMS
TO BE RETURNING
TO MY LOWER REGIONS.
PERHAPS I COULD HELP YOU
TO GET YOUR LEG OVER,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I SHOULD LEAVE THAT
TO MISS LOVELOCK,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE'S HAD MORE EXPERIENCE.
( Captain Peacock groans )
THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( groaning )
IT'S BROUGHT THE
COLOR TO YOUR CHEEKS.
HOW DID HE GET ON?
HE'S GOT A NATURAL
RHYTHM WHEN WALKING.
UNFORTUNATELY, A RABBIT
POPPED OUT OF A HEDGE,
AND THE HORSE BOLTED.
MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE A SIGHT.
BY THE TIME I
CAUGHT UP WITH HIM,
THE EYES WERE ROLLING,
NOSTRILS FLARING,
FOAM WAS COMING FROM THE MOUTH.
ON TOP OF THAT, HE LOST HIS HAT.
HE'S SWEATING A BIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
PERHAPS I'D BETTER
GIVE HIM A RUB DOWN.
IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU
I THINK I'LL HAVE A SHOWER.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, THANK YOU.
OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR.
WHAT'S THAT, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
POOR MRS. AXELBY.
I THOUGHT SHE
WAS STILL IN SPAIN.
SHE'S JOINED A TERRORIST GROUP.
AND SHE'S NOT ENJOYING IT A BIT.
SHE'S NOT BLOWING
THINGS UP, IS SHE?
SHE'S KNOWN AS A SLEEPER.
THEY'RE GOING TO ACTIVATE HER
WHEN THE REVOLUTION STARTS.
WHAT IS SHE DOING
IN THE MEANTIME?
SHE'S SHACKED UP WITH A CLERK
IN THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL'S OFFICE.
SHE HAS TO GO THROUGH HIS BRIEFS
WHEN HE'S HAVING A SIESTA.
WELL, SHE ALWAYS
WANTED ADVENTURE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE LOOKING
RATHER DISTRAUGHT.
THEY WANT TO SUSPEND
ME AT THE DAFFODIL CLUB.
THAT SOUNDS VERY PAINFUL.
NO, IT'S A GAMBLING DEBT.
I WAS PLAYING STRIP POKER.
I OWE THEM TWO PAIRS OF
Y-FRONTS AND A CARDIGAN.
AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
THERE'S A REGISTERED
LETTER FOR YOU.
IT FEELS LIKE COINS.
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE MAIL?
YES, QUITE GOOD.
WE'VE HAD ONE OR TWO
INQUIRIES FOR BOOKINGS.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
WELL... I EARNED CERTAIN MEDALS
DURING THE WAR.
I NEVER BOTHERED
TO CLAIM THEM...
I HAVEN'T MUCH USE
FOR THAT SORT OF
THING, AS YOU KNOW...
BUT SEEING "THE GUNS OF
NAVARONE" A FEW WEEKS AGO
BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TO ME.
SO, I WROTE TO THE
MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
GIVING THEM THE
VARIOUS THEATERS OF WAR
IN WHICH I SAW SERVICE.
AND WHAT HAVE THEY SENT YOU?
UMM...
THE AFRICA STAR AND
THE DEFENSE MEDAL.
THEY'LL LOOK GOOD
ON YOUR PAJAMAS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
I'M ENTITLED TO MUCH
MORE THAN THAT.
'COURSE YOU ARE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU
WAS PARACHUTED INTO YUGOSLAVIA
WITH THE CHIPMUNKS?
THE CHETNICKS, MISS BRAHMS.
WELL, THERE'S STILL A "D" NOTICE
SLAPPED ON THAT
LITTLE ADVENTURE.
I'M FORBIDDEN TO SPEAK
ABOUT IT EVEN NOW.
HA HA! HERE'S A COINCIDENCE.
ONE OF THE GUESTS BOOKED
IN FOR NEXT THURSDAY
IS CALLED SLOCOMBE.
OH. WELL...
IT'S NOT AN UNCOMMON
NAME IN THE DALES.
- CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
- WHAT?!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YOU'VE GROWN QUITE
PALE UNDER YOUR PANCAKE.
OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
IS HE A RELATION?
I WAS MARRIED TO A
CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW LONG IS IT NOW
SINCE HE WALKED OUT ON YOU?
HE DIDN'T WALK OUT ON ME.
HE JUST... DISAPPEARED.
WHERE?
IN SAINSBURY'S.
IT WAS QUITE A
SHOCK, I CAN TELL YOU.
HE'D JUST GONE OUT
ONE MORNING AT 10 TO 9:00
TO BUY A POUND OF
SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
THEY USED TO CUT
IT OFF A BIG SLAB
AND BANG IT INTO SHAPE
WITH WOODEN BATS.
I KNOW, YES, THEY HAD
LITTLE GROOVES IN THEM,
USED TO KEEP THEM IN WATER.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE LEFT
YOU AS LONG AGO AS THAT.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, IT GOT TO
BE HALF PAST 12:00,
AND I THOUGHT TO MESELF,
"THAT'S FUNNY."
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAD MARGE ON ME TOAST.
ANYWAY,
AT 1:00 I WENT OUT
TO LOOK FOR HIM.
WELL, I SCOURED
EVERY PUB IN THE AREA
UNTIL I'D USED UP ALL
THE HOUSEKEEPING.
BUT THERE WASN'T A SIGN OF HIM.
THAT WAS 42 YEARS
AGO THIS EASTER.
HOW VERY SAD, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOBODY COULD UNDERSTAND IT.
I MEAN, HE WAS DEVOTED TO ME.
AND TO THE PUSSY
I HAD AT THAT TIME.
BUT YOU KNOW,
IT'S A FUNNY THING,
YOU KNOW HOW THESE
THINGS GO IN WAVES...
WELL, THERE WERE
QUITE A FEW PEOPLE
DISAPPEARED ABOUT THAT TIME.
THE WIFE OF THE MAN NEXT
DOOR VANISHED INTO THIN AIR
THE VERY NEXT DAY.
IN SAINSBURY'S?
OH, NO.
CO-OP.
WELL, HERE IT IS,
HERE'S THE LETTER.
OH, NO!
IS IT HIM?
I'D KNOW THAT
SIGNATURE ANYWHERE.
MANY'S THE TIME I'VE TRACED IT
ONTO ONE OF HIS CHECKS.
UNTIL HE CLOSED HIS ACCOUNT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OH, DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE PROBABLY WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU
AFTER 40 YEARS.
NOTICE THAT'S EXPENSIVE PAPER
AND RAISED WRITING AND ALL.
"SLOCOMBE LEISURE INDUSTRIES.
CHAIRMAN AND MANAGING DIRECTOR,
CECIL G. SLOCOMBE."
HE'S OBVIOUSLY DONE
WELL FOR HIMSELF.
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
HE'S GONE UP IN THE WORLD,
AND I'VE GONE DOWN.
OH, COME, COME.
YOU'VE ALWAYS HELD
A GOOD POSITION.
I WAS A SHOPGIRL!
A POOR SHOPGIRL.
NONSENSE.
I DIDN'T EVEN SELL
GRAND PIANOS OR TIARAS,
I SOLD KNICKERS AND BRAS!
AND NOW I'M NOTHING BETTER
THAN A CHAMBERMAID.
I LIVE IN AN ATTIC.
I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT
A ROOM OF ME OWN.
I HAVE TO BUNK UP WITH HER.
HE NEEDN'T KNOW
YOU BUNK UP WITH ME.
WHILE HE'S HERE, I'LL MOVE OUT.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE ROOM
WITH THE LEAKY ROOF.
OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS
IN ALL THE WORLD,
HE HAD TO CHOOSE THIS ONE.
I CAN'T FACE HIM,
I'LL HAVE TO GO.
NO, NO, DON'T BE HASTY.
NO, LOOK, WE CAN HIDE YOU
IN THE CELLAR TILL HE'S GONE.
HOW LONG IS HE STAYING?
A WEEK.
A WEEK SOON PASSES.
LOOK, YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN HAVE LOTS OF BLANKETS
AND A PRIMUS STOVE,
AND WE'LL BRING YOU DOWN
SANDWICHES AND
CUPS OF COCOA AND...
YOU CAN HAVE THE
TELLY AND YOUR OWN PO.
WHAT'S IT MATTER IF HE'S
DONE WELL AND SHE HASN'T,
AS LONG AS SHE WAS HAPPY?
SHE'S VERY CLASS
CONSCIOUS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE ALWAYS GETS INTO THE
FIRST CLASS COMPARTMENT
AND THEN WALKS
DOWN TO THE SECOND.
I THINK PEOPLE WERE HAPPIER
WHEN THEY KNEW
THEIR PLACE IN LIFE.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
THERE WERE ALL THE
SERVANTS IN THE BIG HOUSE,
AND THEN THERE WAS
LOTS AND LOTS OF WORKERS
RUNNING THE FARM.
WELL... HERE THEY ALL ARE. LOOK.
THAT'S MAD JED,
THE YOUNG COW MAN.
HE FELL OUT OF AN
'AYLOFT ONTO HIS HEAD.
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
OH, THEN THERE'S MR. RATCHETT,
THE GAMEKEEPER.
HE DRUNK TOO MUCH,
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
THEN THERE WAS ROSIE BELL.
SHE WAS THE DAIRY MAID.
SHE HAD A VISION, IT MADE
HER HAIR STAND ON END.
WHAT DID SHE HAVE A VISION OF?
WELL, WE COULDN'T FIND OUT,
BUT SHE COULD NEVER
GET IT TO LIE DOWN AGAIN.
BUT SHE WAS HAPPY.
THAT'S ME IN DAD'S ARMS.
YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY.
WELL, NEITHER WOULD YOU BE
IF YOU HAD OLD POTATO
SACKS FOR NAPPIES.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
SHE RAN OFF WITH THE BLACKSMITH.
I BET SHE WAS HAPPY.
LOOK AT THAT OLD CART
WE'RE ALL STANDING ON.
MY DAD MADE THAT OUT
OF OLD BEER CRATES.
SAME AS THE BED HE'S
PUTTING IN THE CELLAR
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL NEVER
SLEEP ON A HOMEMADE BED.
SHE'S DEFINITELY KENDAL
MILNES INTERIOR SPRUNG.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE HER OUR ROOM?
AND WE'LL CAMP OUT DOWN THERE.
IT'S ONLY A SMALL BED,
BUT WE'LL MANAGE IF
WE TURN OVER TOGETHER.
LET'S NOT COMPLICATE THINGS.
I MIGHT TURN AT THE WRONG TIME,
AND WE'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT.
HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOW, LOOK, YOU'LL BE
AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A...
BRICK!
I FAIL TO SEE WHY
YOU HAVE TO HIDE.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I QUITE AGREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU
STARTED OFF HUMBLE
AND FINISHED UP HUMBLE.
WHO'S TO SAY
HE'S GONNA RECOGNIZE YOU ANYWAY?
WELL, I DIDN'T AT FIRST,
AND NOBODY KNOW'D
YA BETTER THAN I DID.
I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
BUT I CAN'T STAY HERE.
IT'S LIKE BEING
IN CELL BLOCK "H."
LISTEN,
WHY DON'T YOU COME AND
BED DOWN IN MY COTTAGE?
I'LL GIVE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED,
AND WE CAN HAVE A GOOD LAUGH
ABOUT OLD TIMES.
MR. MOULTERD,
PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN.
IT'S A JOB, WITH YOU ABOUT.
I THINK I OUGHT TO TELL YOU,
HE'S HERE!
HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO
BE HERE TILL TOMORROW.
BUT HE GOT THE DATES WRONG.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK
LIKE? HAS HE GOT RED HAIR?
WELL, HIS HAIR IS
RECEDING A BIT, LIKE MINE.
HE HAS A FEW GINGER
THREADS, AMONG THE GOLD.
MEDIUM HEIGHT?
MEDIUM EVERYTHING.
THAT'S HIM.
IT SEEMS HE'S NOT
JUST HERE AS A GUEST.
HIS GROUP IS LOOKING
FOR PROPERTY AND LAND
TO DEVELOP AS A CONFERENCE
CENTER AND LEISURE PARK.
HE SAID HE'D MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL
OFFER IF THE PLACE SUITS HIM.
BUT WE CAN'T SELL. IT'S A TRUST.
OH HO HO. TRUSTS CAN BE BROKEN
WHEN THERE'S A LOT
OF CASH AT STAKE.
WHAT'S HE DOIN' NOW?
WELL, I LEFT HIM LOOKING
ROUND THE GROUND FLOOR,
BUT HE WANTS TO
INSPECT DOWN HERE,
AND THE FOUNDATIONS.
OOH! HE MUSTN'T FIND ME HERE!
TELL YE WHAT, COME AND HIDE
IN THIS OLD PRIESTS' HOLE.
THIS IS WHERE THEY USED TO HIDE
TO GET AWAY FROM
OLIVER CROMWELL.
OOH, GRACIOUS ME.
THEY MUST HAVE HAD
SOME VERY SMALL PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT, TRY BACKIN' IN.
( door creaking )
Mrs. Slocombe: LET ME OUT!
( pounding )
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I CAN'T STAY IN THERE.
IT SMELLS OF OLD PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT,
YOU CAN CLIMB
THROUGH THIS WINDOW.
YES, YOU GET UP
FIRST, MR. MOULTERD,
AND OPEN THE WINDOW UP FOR HER.
RIGHTY-O.
COME ALONG, COME ALONG.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A LEG UP.
Man: THERE DOESN'T
SEEM TO BE A SWITCH.
- DON'T LET HIM
COME DOWN HERE!
- SHH, SHH!
FEND HIM OFF, MR. RUMBOLD.
WE'RE TRYING TO FIX
UP A LIGHT FOR YOU.
PERHAPS YOU COULD
COME DOWN LATER.
WELL, OUR MAINTENANCE
CREW IS FIXING UP
A LIGHT FOR YOU, DOWNSTAIRS.
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE!
ENTERTAIN MR. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL GO AND TRY AND SPEED UP
THE MAINTENANCE CREW.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
WELL, HOW CAN I ENTERTAIN
YOU, MR. SLOCOMBE?
GIN AND TONIC?
I NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF.
I HAD A WIFE WHO
COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.
TERRIBLE WHEN IT
GETS TO THAT STATE.
SHOCKING. SHE GOT THROUGH
THE HOUSEKEEPING BY TUESDAY.
TELL YOU WHAT,
WHILE WE'RE WAITING,
COULD YOU SHOW ME THE OUTSIDE?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR. WE'LL
START ROUND THE BACK.
WALK THIS WAY.
PUSH!
PUSH!
I RECALL A SIMILAR SCENE
IN "WINNIE THE POOH."
HE GOT STUCK IN RABBIT'S HOLE.
NO WONDER IT GOT BANNED
FROM BRENT LIBRARY.
BY GOSH, IF YOU
WAS A PRIEST, RACHEL,
CROMWELL WOULD'VE
HAD YOU BY NOW.
OH, IT'S COLD.
AND I'M ONLY WEARING
THIS THIN FROCK.
YOU CAN PUT MY OLD
RATTIN' COAT ROUND YA.
OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.
I SEE YOU HAVE QUITE
A LARGE ACREAGE.
WE COULD INTRODUCE
SOME GAME BIRDS
INTO THE WOODED AREA,
AND THE VISITORS
COULD BANG AWAY,
WHEN THEY'RE IN SEASON.
I SUPPOSE YOU CAN
DO WHAT YOU LIKE
IF IT'S PRIVATE.
OOH, HECK. IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM!
IS THIS SOME OF
THE OUTSIDE STAFF?
YES. THIS IS MR. MOULTERD,
THE FARM MANAGER.
HOW DO?
AND THIS IS THE WIFE, RACHEL.
SAY HELLO TO THE NICE
GENTLEMAN, RACHEL.
( disguising voice ) HOW DO?
SHE'S A BIT SHY WITH STRANGERS,
BUT SHE'S ALL RIGHT
WHEN SHE GETS GOIN'.
THAT'S RIGHT, AIN'T
IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY IS, MR. MOULTERD.
DO YOU WORK ON THE
FARM, MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR. OOH, ARR.
AND, UH, HAVE YOU ANY CHILDREN?
NO, BUT IT ISN'T
FOR WANT OF TRYIN',
IS IT, RACHEL?
DO YOU LIVE IN THE MAIN HOUSE?
NO, I GOT A NICE LITTLE COTTAGE.
WELL, I OUGHT TO SEE THAT LATER.
YEAH, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME
ROUND FOR A CUP O' TEA,
WON'T HE, RACHEL?
OOH, ARR, HMM.
WELL, I SHALL ENJOY THAT.
YOU'LL MAKE HIM SOME BUNS,
WON'T YE, ME DARLIN'?
OOH, ARR.
MRS. MOULTERD'S QUITE
FAMOUS FOR HER BUNS,
AREN'T YOU, MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR. OOH, ARR.
OOH, UGH.
DO YOU THINK HE...
HE REALLY BELIEVES
THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS MRS. MOULTERD?
WELL, HE SEEMED TO.
POOR MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
GOT TO MAKE TEA FOR HIM
SO HE CAN INSPECT THE COTTAGE.
HE MUST INDEED BE
INTERESTED IN THE PROPERTY.
AW, YOU DON'T WANNA
SELL THIS PLACE,
YOU'RE BUILDING UP QUITE NICELY.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES
IS JUST SETTLIN' DOWN,
AREN'T YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
WELL, I AM SLEEPING BETTER.
THE FARMYARD NOISES
HARDLY DISTURB ME AT ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AN' HE EVEN SLEPT THROUGH
THE EARLY MORNIN' COCK TODAY.
DID YOU?
DO YOU KNOW, I MUST'VE DONE?
ANYWAY, AS I SEE IT,
ACCORDING TO THE
TERMS OF THE TRUST,
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL.
NO, OTHERWISE WE
WOULD'VE SOLD IT, RIGHT?
AND COPPED THE LOLLY?
WELL, AS I READ THE DOCUMENT,
IF THE TRUSTEES GET AN OFFER,
HIGHER THAN THE MARKET PRICE,
THEY'RE OBLIGED TO SELL.
AND DISTRIBUTE THE CAPITAL
AMONGST THE BENEFICIARIES, NAMELY, US.
WELL, WHAT IS THE MARKET VALUE?
WELL, IN THE PRESENT SITUATION,
THE PRESENT STATE OF
STRUCTURAL CONDITION,
I'D SAY, 350,000.
THAT'S NEARLY 50,000 EACH.
I SAY SELL.
HANG ON A MINUTE, MISS BRAHMS.
EVEN WELL INVESTED,
THAT WOULD BRING YOU IN
LESS THAN £100 A WEEK.
WE DID BETTER THAN THAT
WITH THE TOUR PARTY
AT THE WEEKEND.
ACCORDING TO ONE
OF THE PROVISIONS,
THE STAFF HAVE TO BE KEPT
ON, WE'D STILL HAVE OUR JOBS.
BUT WE WOULD NOT
BE OUR OWN BOSSES.
YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT RICH PEOPLE IS LIKE,
THEY'D HAVE YOU WORKING
YOUR FINGERS TO THE BONE.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES
IS NOT AN EARLY RISER.
AREN'T YOU?
DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAVE BEEN?
I THINK I SHOULD WARN YOU
THAT I SAW THE FIGURE 550
ON MR. SLOCOMBE'S NOTES.
PERHAPS HE WANTS HIS EARLY
MORNING TEA AT 10 TO 6:00.
HEY, YOU! OLD WOMAN!
YOU DO REALIZE THIS
IS PRIVATE PROPERTY?
IT'S ME, YA DAFT HA'PORTH.
MY WORD, YOU HAVE GONE NATIVE.
SHH, SHH!
YOU SEE, MY EX-HUSBAND IS HERE,
AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW
HOW I'VE COME DOWN IN THE WORLD.
SO, YOU'VE DISGUISED YOURSELF
AS A MILLIONAIRE TRAMP?
WILL YOU LOOK IN
THE KITCHEN WINDOW
AND SEE IF YOU CAN SEE A MAN
WITH RECEDING RED HAIR,
A PLAIN FACE,
AND MEDIUM EVERYTHING ELSE?
THERE IS.
OH, HECK.
IT'S MR. RUMBOLD.
IS THE COAST CLEAR?
YEAH, COME ON.
HE'S UPSTAIRS HAVING A SIESTA.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A TIME
AT MR. MOULTERD'S HOUSE.
DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
GOT A PHOTOGRAPH?
HE SAYS IT'S ME, PULLING
UP RADISHES AS A LAND GIRL.
WELL, IT WAS TAKEN FROM BEHIND,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.
OH, TAKE NO NOTICE OF HIM.
HE'S GOT LOTS O' PHOTOS
TAKEN FROM BEHIND
O' LAND GIRLS
PULLIN' UP RADISHES.
IT WERE ONE OF HIS WEAKNESSES.
HE WERE LAND GIRL MAD.
HE WAS QUITE SORRY
WHEN HITLER PACKED IT ALL IN
AND THEY HAD TO GO HOME.
HE'S SO EARTHY.
HE WANTED ME TO
MAKE HIM SOME BUNS.
HE GAVE ME A SACK OF
FLOUR, A BAG OF RAISINS
AND TOLD ME TO GET ON WITH IT.
AND DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
GOT A COOKING STOVE
WITH 1886 ON THE DOOR?
OH, NEVER YOU MIND
THAT. I'LL GO AND DO IT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, WE
WERE JUST DISCUSSING
WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS WILL BE
IF YOUR HUSBAND BUYS THE HOTEL.
CECIL? BUY THIS HOTEL?
YEAH, MR. RUMBOLD WAS SAYIN'
HE'D HAVE TO KEEP
US ON AS STAFF.
WHAT? ME WORK FOR
HIM AS A CHAMBERMAID?
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
DON'T UPSET YOURSELF.
AND HIM... WALKIN' ABOUT...
LOOKIN' DOWN HIS NOSE AT ME.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
ME MAGNETISM'S GONE.
I KEPT IT GOING FOR 20 YEARS.
I WAS HOPIN' HE'D COME BACK.
AND THEN YOUR
MAGNETISM LOST ITS PULL?
DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I'M SURE HE'D LET YOU
TAKE REDUNDANCY.
I'VE BEEN REDUNDANT
FOR 40 YEARS!
I DON'T THINK THAT WAS
VERY TACTFUL, MR. RUMBOLD.
HERE YOU ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WIPE YOUR EYES ON THE TEA TOWEL.
OH, THANK YOU, LOVE.
( blows nose )
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IF HE WAS TO TAKE ON
THE NUMBER OF STAFF
THAT THEY HAD ON THE
FARM IN THE OLD DAYS,
THEN, WELL, HE MIGHT
FIND THE PROPOSITION
NOT REALLY WORTHWHILE.
DID THEY HAVE A LOT?
OH, WELL, LOOK AT THAT.
OH, BLIMEY. THAT'S ENOUGH
TO PUT ANYONE OFF.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL HAPPY.
I'M SURE MR. MOULTERD
COULD RUSTLE UP
A FEW FARMING TYPES
FROM THE VILLAGE
TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS.
HALF A DOZEN LOCAL YOKELS
AND THE PROPOSITION WOULD
NOT SEEM COST EFFECTIVE.
MMM.
CHEER UP, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ALL IS NOT YET LOST.
EXCEPT YOUR MAGNETISM.
RIGHT. NOW, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU'VE A HEADWAITER AND
TWO ASSISTANT WAITERS,
YOU'VE A BARMAN, A HALL PORTER,
AND TWO CHAMBERMAIDS,
A MANAGER, A CHEF,
- AND TWO KITCHEN HANDS?
- AND ME!
I'VE SEEN THE BARMAN AND THE
MANAGER... WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
- IT'S THEIR DAY OFF.
- ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
THERE'S THE OUTSIDE STAFF.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE ONLY MET MR. AND
MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO ELSE IS THERE?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
THERE'S QUITE A FEW.
YOU'VE BEEN A LONG TIME, DAD.
MR. SLOCOMBE'LL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
WHERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S BEEN LOOKIN'
AT SOME OF MOM'S OLD CLOTHES.
BY GOSH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU'RE A FINE FIGURE OF A WOMAN!
I THINK YOU'VE TOOK
YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE
HERE AT LAST.
MR. MOULTERD,
I'M ONLY DOING THIS
FOR MILLSTONE MANOR,
SO DON'T GET ANY FANCY IDEAS,
AND YOU'RE VERY LATE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN UP THE VILLAGE
TO GET THE BLOKES
LIKE CAP'N PEACOCK SAID.
WHO'VE YOU GOT?
NOBODY.
THEM ALL GONE TO
THE CATTLE SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN
THEY'LL BE BACK.
I LEFT MESSAGES ALL 'ROUND.
HAVE YOU TOLD CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, HE DIDN'T HALF TAKE ON.
HE USED WORDS I AIN'T HEARD USED
SINCE I RUNNED OVER
THE VICAR'S FOOT
WITH A TRACTOR.
THEY'RE COMIN'.
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
YES, BUT YOU CAN'T
POSSIBLY BE MY DAUGHTER.
WE SAID WE HADN'T ANY CHILDREN.
YEAH, I SAID SHE WAS BARREN.
WELL, I BEST KEEP
OUT O' SIGHT THEN.
NO, NO, NO.
IF MR. MOULTERD DIDN'T
FIND ANYBODY IN THE VILLAGE,
WELL, YOU BETTER PRETEND
TO BE ONE OF THE WORKERS.
RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
( knock on door )
OH, COME IN, KIND SIR.
WE BE SIMPLE FOLK HERE,
BUT WE BE VERY 'APPY TO
SHARE OUR 'UMBLE GRUB.
THIS IS MR. SLOCOMBE,
FROM LONDON.
THIS IS MRS. MOULTERD.
YES, I'VE ALREADY
HAD THE PLEASURE.
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
WE NEVER HAD NO ONE
FROM LONDON BEFORE,
'AVE WE, MAURICE?
I BET YOU GOT A FINE BIG HOUSE,
AND NO DOUBT YOU
GOT A FINE YOUNG WIFE.
ONE O' THEY BIMBOS, I
SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT DOWN?
ASSEYEZ-VOUS.
THAT'S FRENCH FOR "SIT DOWN."
I LEARNT THAT AT SCHOOL.
I'VE WAITED 60
YEARS TO SAY THAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A NICE CUP OF TEA?
THANK YOU.
I EXPECT YOU'RE
USED TO FANCY CHINA?
'ELP YOURSELF TO BUNS,
AN' THERE'S BUTTER THERE.
SLIGHTLY SALTED,
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO SAINSBURY'S FOR 40 YEARS?
WELL, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE MEANTIME?
MRS. MOULTERD IS
ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN PEOPLES'... TRAVEL STORIES.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO'S THIS?
OH, I'M ROSIE BELL,
ONE OF THE DAIRY MAIDS.
THERE'S SEVERAL OF US.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WHAT AN UNUSUAL HAIRDO.
SHE HAD A VISION.
THAT'S WHY IT STOOD ON END.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHAT'S FOR TEA?
- BUNS.
- OH.
WITH SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
( chuckling )
HELLO. WHO'S THIS?
I'M THE GAMEKEEPER.
RATCHETT'S THE NAME,
CATCH-IT'S THE GAME.
AH. HOW DO?
HA HA HA.
SO, YOU'RE THE FINE
GENTLEMAN FROM LONDON
WHO'S GONNA TAKE
CARE OF US ALL, EH?
WE'LL BE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.
I BRUNG YOU A RABBIT.
IF IT'S TOO BIG TO GO
IN YOUR BRIEFCASE,
I'LL CHOP IT IN HALF.
NO, NO. THAT'S FINE.
YOU CAN GIVE IT TO
THAT BIMBO TO COOK.
YOU COULD HARDLY
DESCRIBE MY COOK AS A BIMBO.
TAKE NO NOTICE OF MRS. MOULTERD.
SHE READS "THE SUN" A LOT.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I COULDN'T FIND MY HAT,
AND THEN WHEN I FOUND
IT, IT WAS ON MY HEAD.
THIS BE MAD JED.
WHO FELL ON HIS HEAD.
WE THOUGHT HE WERE DEAD.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
I WHITTLED YOU SOME WOOD.
I MADE YOU A CLOTHESPEG.
I FORGOT TO DO THE
MIDDLE BIT THOUGH.
THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, UH... JED.
OH, I'M LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES I'M LIKE THIS...
BUT MOST OF THE
TIME, I'M LIKE THAT...
THIS BE THE FINE GENTLEMAN
WHO'S GONNA LOOK AFTER US ALL.
OH, I MUST TELL NED
AND ED AND FRED.
YOUR BROTHERS?
NO, MY SISTERS,
BUT THEY'RE HAPPY!
WELL NOW, THERE ARE RATHER
MORE WORKERS ON THE ESTATE
THAN I'D ALLOWED
FOR, MR. MOULTERD.
OH, THEY BREED LIKE
RABBITS DOWN HERE.
EXCEPT HER.
SHE'S BARREN.
HELLO.
I'M ROSIE BELL.
EH? I THOUGHT SHE
WAS ROSIE BELL?
OOH, UH... WELL, WE'RE TWINS!
TWINS?
YOU DON'T LOOK ALIKE.
WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE WE WAS BORN
AT SEPARATE TIMES.
ANYWAY, I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
I JUST FOUND OUT I'M PREGNANT,
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHO'S THE FATHER?
IT BE YOU, JED.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
I'M FLABBERGASTED.
I, UH, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
I'VE FOUND A FEW OF
THE FARM WORKERS.
COME IN!
YOU'D BETTER GET
MORE MUGS, MAURICE.
TELL US A STORY ABOUT LONDON.
WELL, I HARDLY KNOW
WHERE TO START.
HOW ABOUT SAINSBURY'S?
( theme music playing )