Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
After the gang has helped seeing the latest guests off, Celia Littlewood pays them a visit. Apparently, the annual local cricket match has always been held on the manor lands and she asks them if this tradition may be continued. They all agree and since there are mixed teams, the inhabitants of the manor all decide to make a team in the competition. After they've had some trouble preparing the event, both with the painting of the creases and the raising of the tent beside the field, Mr. Thorpe arrives and they ask him to be their umpire, which he agrees to. When they are also introduced to some members of the opposite team, one of them, Malcolm, appears to fancy Mavis and does not take lightly to the fact that she fancies Mr. Humphries. He therefore threatens him and does what he can to make the game very hard for Mr. Humphries. After an exciting match, which the gang wins, Malcolm is unfortunately knocked out by the ball hitting him on the head, but Mr. Humphries feels it safest to keep running, since he doesn't want to be around when Malcolm comes around.
( theme music playing )
Mr. Rumbold: GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
AH! GOODBYE, MR. LUBITCH.
I DO HOPE YOUR GROUP
ENJOYED YOUR STAY
AT MILLSTONE MANOR?
YEAH, GREAT, SWELL. VERY QUAINT.
IS THE COACH OUTSIDE?
THE, UH, HALL
PORTER IS INDISPOSED,
SO THE WAITER AND
BARMAN WILL TAKE THE CASES
OUT TO THE COACH.
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
TAKE THE CASES OUT TO THE COACH.
I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF COUNTING MY GHERKINS.
AND THERE'S ONE MISSING.
PEACOCK? PEACOCK!
ARE YOU FREE?
THE ROOM SERVICE FINISHED
THREE MINUTES AGO, SIR.
GOOD. HELP HUMPHRIES
WITH THE CASES.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
WHEN I RETURN, I'D LIKE
A FEW WORDS WITH YOU
ABOUT THE CONDITIONS
OF MY EMPLOYMENT.
OOH, UGH.
WELL, GOODBYE AND
GOOD LUCK AT GATWICK.
( coach horn honking )
HAVE THEY GONE?
YES, JUST GETTING ON
THE COACH FOR GATWICK.
WHAT A STINGY LOT.
ALL I GOT WAS THEIR LOOSE CHANGE
AND A COUPLE OF GREEK DRACHMAS.
WHAT DID YOU GET, MISS BRAHMS?
WELL, THE BALD-HEADED ONE,
HE GAVE ME 50 QUID.
MISS BRAHMS!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET THAT?
JUST BIT ME LIP TO STOP MYSELF
TELLING HIM IT WASN'T A FIVER.
NOW, REMEMBER, ALL TIPS
ARE TO BE SHARED EQUALLY.
Mrs. Slocombe: WHAT DID
YOU GET, MR. HUMPHRIES?
50p AND A SLIGHT HERNIA.
THE NEXT TIME YOU
DO THAT... TO ME,
I SHALL DO THAT... TO YOU!
I LEFT MY CLEANING IN A CASE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
STAIRS, WHERE'S IT GONE?
GATWICK AND DISNEYLAND.
IT'S ON THE COACH.
OH, GOD! STOP!
LET'S GO AND SEE
IF MAVIS HAS GOT THE KETTLE ON.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
HERE YOU ARE.
GET THAT DOWN YOU, DAD.
THANKS.
THEN I SHALL HAVE TO GO
AND FERTILIZE THE RHUBARB.
THEY DON'T MAKE TEA LIKE
THEY USED TO, YOU KNOW?
YOU GOTTA SUCK THE TEABAGS
BEFORE YOU GET ANY TASTE!
NOW, YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF, DADS.
DID THEM AMERICANS
GIVE YOU ANY TIPS
WHEN YOU SHOWED
'EM AROUND THE FARM?
WELL, I MADE 'EM ALL CLIMB
OVER A FIVE-BARRED GATE,
LOTTA CHANGE FELL
OUTTA THEIR POCKETS.
THANK GOODNESS, THAT LOT'S GONE.
I GOT A NICE CUPPA TEA FOR YOU.
IF YOU SUCK THE TEABAGS!
YOU GET THE CUPS
OUT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
RIGHT, MAVIS. NOW,
WHAT SHALL WE HAVE?
DADDY BEAR OR BABY BEAR?
LET'S HAVE THE LARGE
ONE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I FIND THAT AMERICANS
GIVE ME QUITE A THIRST.
WELL, THEY ALWAYS USED TO.
MIND YOU, THEY GAVE US
QUITE A NICE LITTLE CHECK.
£1,700.
YES, WE'RE KEEPING
OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER.
ONE WONDERS IF ONE REALLY NEEDS
TO EMPLOY ANY EXTRA STAFF?
IF WE ALL MUCK IN,
WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY WAGES
AND THERE'S ALL THE MORE FOR US.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL
FOR YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU DO ANYTHING
MORE ENERGETIC THAN THAT.
I DO IT TO CREATE THE
RIGHT ATMOSPHERE.
YOU HAVEN'T CREATED IT WITH ME.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE
TO UNBUNG THE LOOS.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ERASE
THE TIDEMARKS FROM THE BATHS.
YOU WANNA LEAVE THEY.
THEY REMINDS YOU HOW
MUCH HOT WATER YOU CAN USE.
I GOT ONE THAT
GOES BACK TO 1937.
DAD, DON'T EXAGGERATE.
WELL... 1949, THEN.
GO AND FERTILIZE
THE RHUBARB, DAD.
DOES HE DO THAT
WITH A WATERING CAN?
YEAH, SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT.
NO WONDER SOMEONE SAID
THE SPROUTS TASTED OF TETLEY'S.
Woman: YOO-HOO, YOO-HOO!
WHAT'S THAT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL'S VOICE.
PERHAPS IT'S A GYPSY
GIRL SELLING SOMETHING.
YOO-HOO!
IT'S EITHER CLOTHESPEGS
OR A TUBE OF GLUE.
OH, IT'S MISS LITTLEWOOD.
SHE WAS THE LADY MAGISTRATE
WHEN YOU FELL FOUL OF THE LAW.
DON'T REMIND ME.
CAN I COME IN?
I TRIED THE FRONT,
BUT THE BELL PULL
CAME AWAY IN MY HAND.
DO COME IN, MISS LITTLEWOOD.
OH, YOU REMEMBER ME?
I REMEMBER YOU.
COME AND SIT DOWN.
I'LL SQUEEZE IN, NEXT TO YOU.
MISS BRAHMS, ISN'T IT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I REMEMBER YOU FROM COURT.
YOU GAVE YOUR EVIDENCE SO WELL.
AND THE LIGHT SEEMED
TO STRIKE YOUR EYES
IN THE MOST STARTLING FASHION.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T WEAR
CONTACT LENSES, DO YOU?
NOT UP TILL NOW, NO.
MIND YOU, I'M BETTER
FURTHER AWAY
THAN CLOSER TO.
I'M THE OTHER WAY.
I'M IN BETWEEN.
BIFOCALS.
AND TO WHAT DO WE OWE
THE GREAT PLEASURE
OF THIS VISIT?
IT'S NOTHING TO DO
WITH A CASE, I HOPE?
OH, NO. I'M HERE TO
TALK ABOUT CRICKET.
YOUNG MR. GRACE USED TO LET US
USE THE PITCH ON YOUR LAWN,
AND HE'D MAKE UP A TEAM
FROM MILLSTONE MANOR.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D
CONTINUE THE TRADITION?
OH, WELL, WE'D
LOVE TO, I'M SURE.
NOW, HOW MANY MEN CAN WE FIELD?
THERE'S MR. RUMBOLD AND MYSELF,
AND, UH, MR. MOULTERD.
AND I'M SURE MR. HUMPHRIES
IS NOT TOTALLY UNACQUAINTED
WITH CRACK OF WILLOW
AGAINST LEATHER.
OH, HEH, HEH. I HAVEN'T
HEARD THAT FOR YEARS.
HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT
CRICKET, MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, I KNOW. I'VE OFTEN
WANTED TO DELIVER
A FAST ONE FROM
THE GASWORKS END.
ACTUALLY, IT'S A MIXED TEAM,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
JUST A BIT OF FUN.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
WITH MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MISS BRAHMS, MISS
LOVELOCK AND MAVIS,
WE CAN MAKE UP EIGHT.
PROVIDED THEY'RE
WILLING, OF COURSE.
I'M SURE MISS BRAHMS IS GAME?
WELL, FOR CRICKET, YES.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I'D HAVE YOU KNOW, MISS BRAHMS,
THAT WHEN I WAS A LAND
GIRL, WE PLAYED THE R.A.F.
AND I WAS THE OPENING BOWLER,
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT MY BOUNCERS
WERE GREATLY RESPECTED.
I USUALLY STAND
BY, THAT MAKES NINE.
WELL, DAD'S GOT A COUPLE
OF LOCAL FARM HANDS
WHO HELP OUT WHEN WE'RE BUSY.
THEY COULD MAKE UP THE TEAM.
DO CRICKETERS WEAR MAKE-UP?
AHEM, YES, WELL, IT SOUNDS
AS IF WE'VE GOT A TEAM.
WILL WE BE PLAYING AGAINST
THE VILLAGE... GREAT TENDER?
WELL, THEY CAN ONLY
MUSTER ABOUT HALF A DOZEN,
SO THEY'LL BE PLAYING
WITH TENDER BOTTOM.
OOH, UGH, OW, UM.
I FEEL LIKE A CART HORSE.
IT'S GOING VERY WELL.
I'M FOAMIN' AT THE MOUTH.
IT'S YOUR TURN NOW.
RIGHT. LET'S TURN IT ROUND.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU GOT THE BACK.
MR. HUMPHRIES, IN THE FRONT.
THERE WE ARE. NOW,
GET A GOOD GRIP.
JUST WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I SHALL START YOU
OFF AND GUIDE YOU.
HMM, I THOUGHT IT'D
BE SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
COME ALONG, MISS BRAHMS.
HELP ME TO SPREAD OUT THE TENT.
RIGHT. NOW THEN, ONE... TWO...
THREE... HEAVE! WE'RE AWAY!
KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP!
YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL.
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE
NOT GOING STRAIGHT!
I'M TRYING TO, BELIEVE ME.
POOR MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE VEINS ARE STANDING
OUT ON 'IS FOREHEAD.
HE CERTAINLY KNOWS
HOW TO THROW HIMSELF
INTO THINGS, DON'T HE?
I HOPE HE DON'T STRAIN NOTHIN'.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL DAMAGE
ANYTHING HE'S GONNA USE.
HOW MUCH FURTHER?
ONLY A FEW YARDS.
HOW ARE YOU BEARING
UP, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'M EXHAUSTED.
THIS IS THE FIRST
THING I'VE PULLED
SINCE WE GOT HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR FUN,
BUT YOU'VE GONE
OVER MY WHITE LINES,
AND YOU'VE MADE ABOUT
FOUR MORE CREASES.
OH, DEAR.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THAT?
YOU WERE GUIDING US.
I SUGGEST YOU GET
A POT OF GREEN PAINT
AND PAINT THEM OUT.
NOW, WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?
I'M NOT SURE WE'VE GONE
ABOUT THIS THE RIGHT WAY.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D HAVE
SENT A BOOK OF INSTRUCTIONS.
OH, HERE'S DAD, HE'LL KNOW.
WHAT A BLOOMIN' MESS.
I NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT IN ALL ME LIFE.
GOD'S TRUTH.
YOU'RE MAKING A RIGHT
PIG OF THAT, AIN'T YOU?
YOU'RE DOIN' IT ALL WRONG,
ALTOGETHER WRONG.
A CONSTRUCTIVE SUGGESTION
WOULDN'T GO AMISS, MR. MOULTERD.
WELL... YOU SEE THEM POLES?
THEY'RE WHAT HOLDS IT UP.
THEY'RE NO GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE.
THEY GOTTA BE ON THE INSIDE.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, 'TIS LIKE THIS.
THE SPIKES ON THE POLES
MUST GO IN THE HOLES.
WHAT HOLES, MR. MOULTERD?
THEM HOLES!
NOW, I TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU TWO, HOLD THE TENT FOR US.
GRAB A POLE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT IT.
THIS IS JUST LIKE
OLD TIMES, AIN'T IT?
MR. MOULTERD, I
HAVE NO RECOLLECTION
OF ANYTHING OCCURRING BETWEEN US
IN "OLD TIMES," AS YOU PUT IT,
OTHER THAN A BRIEF
ENCOUNTER IN TIVERTON.
OH, HOITY-TOITY!
LOOK, CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS?
GO ON, THEN.
Captain Peacock:
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MR. MOULTERD IS
HELPING MRS. SLOCOMBE
PUT THE POLES IN THE HOLES.
Mrs. Slocombe: MR. MOULTERD,
WILL YOU PLEASE BE CAREFUL
WHERE YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR POLE?
I WAS ONLY SHOWIN' YA
SO YOU'D KNOW NEXT TIME.
THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE A "NEXT TIME"!
I'M GETTIN' MINE IN.
HOW IS IT FOR YOU?
OH, NO. I'VE GOT QUITE
A LONG WAY TO GO, YET.
DON'T YOU THINK WE
OUGHT TO GIVE THEM A HAND?
THEY SEEM TO BE
MANAGING VERY WELL.
Mrs. Slocombe: OH! THE
DRATTED THING SLIPPED OUT.
MOVE OVER, I'LL DO IT!
STAY WHERE YOU
ARE, MR. MOULTERD.
UNH! AH! I'VE DONE IT!
IT'S OBVIOUSLY MORE COMPLICATED
THAN IT LOOKS.
ME DAD HASN'T DONE
IT FOR A LONG TIME.
WELL! I SHAN'T BE DOING
THAT AGAIN IN A HURRY.
Mr. Rumbold: WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
Mr. Moulterd: WE GOTTA
BANG ON THE KNOBS
AND WE NEEDS A GOOD PULL.
HERE THEY ARE.
NOW, SHOVE 'EM ON THE SPIKES.
I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.
DON'T OVERDO IT, MR. RUMBOLD.
NOW WE NEEDS A BIT OF WEIGHT
ON THE OTHER END OF THE POLES.
YOU PUT YOUR FOOT ON THAT ONE.
YOU HEAVY ENOUGH.
I'LL LOOK AFTER THIS ONE.
THE REST OF YA, TAKE THE ROPES.
NOW, YOU LEAVE ALL THE
PULLIN' TO ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN
YOUR FAIR SHARE TODAY.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET
YOU GO ON THAT ROLLER.
I WAS GETTING VARICOSE VEINS
IN ME FOREHEAD.
YOU READY?
MISS LOVELOCK, WILL
YOU GIVE US A START?
HOW DO YOU SUGGEST I
DO THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
LIFT THE POLE A FEW FEET,
AND WE'LL GO THE
REST OF THE WAY.
I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT IT
WOULD TAKE EIGHT GROWN PEOPLE
TO RAISE ONE SMALL MARQUEE.
Mr. Moulterd: READY? HEAVE!
Captain Peacock: THAT
INCLUDES YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.
HEAVE! HEAVE!
HEAVE! HEAVE!
Mrs. Slocombe: AARGH!
I ALWAYS SAY, IF AT FIRST
YOU DON'T SUCCEED...
GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT.
OH, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
I'M MAKING SOMETHI"
FOR THE CRICKET TEA.
WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL, I'VE DONE THE
SANDWICHES AND THE SCONES.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
SOME GINGERBREAD MEN.
OH, DO YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MAKE THESE?
BUT ME MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME
AFTER THE FIRST TIME.
SHE DIDN'T LIKE
WHERE I WAS PUTTING
THE CURRANTS.
WELL, YOU CAN HAVE A GO NOW.
BUT... YOU'VE GOTTA
LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE KISS FIRST.
OH, ALL RIGHT. GO ON, THEN.
( smack )
IS IT ALL OVER WITH?
YES, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW.
THAT WAS QUITE NICE, REALLY.
D'YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?
NO! NO! THANK YOU.
THAT'S JUST ENOUGH.
I DON'T THINK YOU
KNOW HOW NICE YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT THAT, MAVIS.
IT'S JUST THAT... WELL...
I THINK WE SHOULD
KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP
AS IT IS.
JUST SHARING A BED TOGETHER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE DON'T WANT
PEOPLE TO TALK, DO WE?
THEY'RE TALKING ALREADY.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET MARRIED?
THAT'D STOP PEOPLE TALKIN'.
IT'D STOP ME TALKING.
YOU KNOW, MAVIS,
JUST THINK OF US
AS MAKING GINGERBREAD
MEN TOGETHER.
YOU DON'T WANNA SHARE
A BED TOGETHER NO MORE?
WELL, ACTUALLY, NO.
THAT'S WORKING OUT QUITE WELL,
ESPECIALLY IN THE COLD WEATHER.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I MUST EXPLAIN.
YOU SEE...
THERE'S A BIG
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
WELL, THERE'S A BIG
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME, ANYWAY.
I MEAN, YOU'RE VERY
YOUNG, AND I'M...
WELL, I MEAN, LET
ME PUT IT THIS WAY,
IF MY LIFE WAS A TRAIN RIDE,
FROM LONDON TO BIRMINGHAM,
I'VE JUST GONE FLAT
OUT PAST RUGBY.
OH, I DON'T CARE.
I STILL WANT TO BE THERE
WHEN YOU HIT THE BUFFERS.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO.
THERE'S SO MANY
CURRANTS ON THAT,
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
HE'S GOT CHICKENPOX.
UH-UH!
"WATER CARRIER OR BASEBALL
PLAYER," SEVEN LETTERS?
PITCHER.
OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S THE ANSWER I
WAS JUST PUTTING IN.
D'YOU GET A PRIZE
FOR DOING THAT?
NOT IN THE "TIMES."
IT JUST EXERCISES THE MIND.
MIND YOU, I SUPPOSE THAT'S
ALL YOU CAN EXERCISE NOW.
MR. MOULTERD HAS
JUST BROUGHT ROUND
THIS BAG OF CRICKETING GEAR.
ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
SOMETHING WITH BIG EARS,
FOUR EYES, FULL OF WIND,
AND DOESN'T WORK.
IS THAT A CLUE?
NO, MORE A COMMENT.
I'VE DRAWN UP A BATTING ORDER.
I SHALL OPEN THE INNINGS
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WE'LL WEAR DOWN THE BOWLERS.
YOU COULD DO THAT
JUST BY TALKING TO 'EM.
DO WE UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY
APPOINTED YOURSELF CAPTAIN?
WELL, I'M QUITE
PREPARED TO STEP ASIDE,
IF ANYONE ELSE THINKS
THEY'RE BETTER QUALIFIED.
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW,
THAT IN MY LAST TERM,
I HIT A SIX, TO WIN
THE SCHOOL MATCH.
WELL, I ONCE HIT TWO FOURS.
ANY ADVANCE ON EIGHT?
THE CAPTAIN HAS TO
BUY THE WINNING TEAM
A ROUND OF DRINKS.
IN THAT CASE,
MR. RUMBOLD'S THE CAPTAIN.
AH.
THEN THERE'S MISS LOVELOCK.
I'VE LEFT THE REST OPEN
UNTIL WE SEE WHAT SORT OF PEOPLE
MOULTERD PRODUCES.
NOW, WHEN IT'S
OUR TURN TO FIELD,
B. SLOCOMBE WILL
OPEN THE BOWLING.
I'M SORRY, MR. RUMBOLD,
BUT I'VE PUT MY SHOULDER OUT,
UNDER THE TENT.
OH, PUTTING THE
POLE IN THE HOLE?
FENDING OFF MR. MOULTERD.
OH, DEAR. THAT'S A
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
I FOUND THE OLD BAT.
THANK YOU, MR. MOULTERD.
MIND YOU, I WAS QUITE
GOOD BEHIND THE WICKET.
NOT HALF AS GOOD AS SHE WAS
BEHIND THE SIGHTSCREENS.
IF HE WAS A NEWSPAPER,
YOU COULD SUE HIM
FOR DEFORMING YOUR CHARACTER.
HE OBVIOUSLY HAS VERY
FOND MEMORIES OF YOU.
YOU'RE PROBABLY THE
FIRST GIRL HE EVER KISSED.
I DIDN'T KISS HIM!
IT'S ALL IN HIS IMAGINATION.
WELL, HE'S OBVIOUSLY
HAD A LITTLE CANDLE
BURNING FOR YOU ALL THESE YEARS.
WELL, I NEVER LIT HIS
WICK, AND THAT'S FOR SURE!
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
All: MORNING, MR. THORPE.
YOU REMEMBER MY
SECRETARY, UH, MISS...
PRESCOTT.
THANK YOU.
WE'VE BROUGHT SOME
PAPERS DOWN FOR YOU TO SIGN.
WE THOUGHT IT BEST TO
LIQUIDATE OUR INTEREST
IN THE RANGOON
GASMANTLE COMPANY.
OH, DO WE GET
MORE LOLLY, IF WE DO?
WELL, YOU GET
LESS, IF YOU DON'T.
WE ARE RENTING THE
BANGKOK FACTORY
OUT TO A LOCAL BUSINESSMAN.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME, MISS, UH...
PRESCOTT.
NO, NO. THE BUSINESSMAN.
HWONG PING WANG.
WHAT DOES HE DO? MAKE BANJOS?
HE INTENDS TO USE THE PREMISES
AS A MASSAGE PARLOR.
OH, DEAR. I DON'T THINK WE
COULD BE A PARTY TO THAT.
WELL, IT'D RAISE THE, UH...
RAISE THE, UH...
RETURN, TENFOLD.
OH. WELL...
AS LONG AS IT'S NICELY
RUN, MR. RUMBOLD.
I GOT THE BLOKES THAT'S
GONNA MAKE UP THE TEAM.
SHALL I BRING 'EM IN?
THEY'LL TAKE THEIR
BOOTS OFF FIRST.
NO, NO, NO. TAKE THEM
ROUND TO THE KITCHEN
AND WASH THEM
UNDER THE OUTSIDE TAP.
OH, AND MISS LITTLEWOOD SAID,
"CAN YOU FIND A UMPIRE?"
OH, DEAR. THAT'S
A BIT OF A POSER.
HMM. DO YOU HAVE TO
HURRY AWAY, MR. THORPE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN'S MY NEXT
APPOINTMENT, MISS PRESCOTT?
A WEEK ON TUESDAY, IN BANGKOK.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ALL SORT OF LITTLE, UH,
FIDDLY LITTLE LEGAL THINGS
TO BE STRAIGHTENED OUT.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT DO
A SPOT OF UMPIRING FOR US.
IN BANGKOK?
NO, HERE, MR. THORPE.
OH, YES. YES, DELIGHTED.
HOW'S THAT LEMONADE
COMING ALONG,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'VE SQUEEZED 52 ALREADY.
WELL, PUT THE SKINS IN THE BINS
WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED.
OH, NO! I'M GOING TO
SAVE THEM FOR ME ELBOWS.
THIS IS ALFIE.
THIS IS DICK.
THIS IS JESSIE.
THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
HE'S TOOK OVER FROM THE CHEF.
HELLO, HELLO.
IS JESSIE SHORT FOR ANYTHING?
NO, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
A JESSIE IN OUR FAMILY.
REALLY?
MALCOLM!
ARE YOU PLAYIN' FOR WE?
NO, I'VE BEEN CHOSEN
FOR TENDER BOTTOM.
DID YOU GET MY NOTE
UNDER OUR ROCK?
I HAVEN'T BEEN THAT WAY LATELY.
THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH. THERE'S TALK IN
THE VILLAGE ABOUT YOU.
OH, REALLY? ANYTHING
I SHOULD KNOW?
WORD IS, YOU'VE
BEEN SETTIN' YOUR CAP
AT MAVIS HERE.
THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
IF ONE NIGHT,
YOU BE WALKIN' DOWN A DARK LANE,
DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
I'LL BE VERY SURPRISED
IF I'M THERE AT ALL.
YOU BE ABOUT YOUR
BUSINESS, MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF.
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME
IN THIS HOUSE.
THERE'S NOTHIN'
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
AND THERE NEVER WILL BE.
WILL YOU TELL HIM,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
WELL, I THINK YOU'VE
MADE THAT QUITE PLAIN.
THAT'S AS MAY BE, BUT
HE'S NOT GONNA HAVE YOU!
- OOH!
- DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
( chuckling )
LEMONADE?
NO PITH.
MR. MOULTERD WILL
OPEN THE BOWLING.
HE SAYS HE GETS AN
EDGE ON OCCASIONALLY.
SO LET'S SEE, WHO'S NEXT?
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'D
BETTER BE IN THE SLIPS.
DO YOU KNOW, I WAS
ABOUT TO SUGGEST THAT?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU'LL BE SECOND SLIP.
PEACOCK... GULLY,
AND I'LL BE SILLY MID-ON.
RIGHT, OFF WE GO.
COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING,
BUT I WAS ALL DONE UP,
AND I HAD TO GO TO THE LADIES.
CAN I HELP?
YES, DEAR.
YOU CAN PUT UP THE NUMBERS,
WHEN I TELL YOU THE SCORE.
I'VE HAD A LOOK AT THE RULES.
SOME OF THE SIGNALS
ARE RATHER CONFUSING,
BUT I THINK I'LL
GET THE HANG OF IT.
AM I THE ONLY UMPIRE?
NO, MY COLLEAGUE ON THE BENCH
WILL BE AT THE OTHER END.
OH.
ARE YOU READY, SIR ROBERT?
OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE THAT CLEVER DICK
LAWYER FROM LONDON.
WE MET IN MY COURT.
I WAS ONLY DOING MY BEST
ON BEHALF OF MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH AND A RIGHT DOG'S
DINNER YOU MADE OF IT.
LET'S GET OUT THERE.
NOW, MISS BRAHMS
SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE
WITHOUT A HAT ON IN THIS SUN.
LOOK, I'VE GOT A SPARE ONE.
RUN AND GIVE IT TO HER.
THERE'S A GOOD GIRL.
REMEMBER, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
IF HE LOOKS LIKE GETTING HALF
AN INCH OUT OF THE CREASE,
WHIP HIS BAILS OFF.
YOU CAN RELY ON
ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YES?
OH!
PLAY.
JUST A MOMENT.
SORRY.
IS HE LEAVIN' US?
HE'S PACING OUT HIS RUN.
I SHOULD STAND BACK
A BIT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S DIGGING IN.
WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
WELL, DON'T ASK ME.
I HARDLY KNOW HIM.
WHATEVER HE'S DOING,
HE'S VERY THOROUGH.
HE'S SHINING THE BALL.
OH, HE'LL WEAR IT OUT.
WOULDN'T STAND
THERE, IF I WERE YOU.
MY SLASHES CAN
REACH THE BOUNDARY.
THAT'S QUITE AN
ACCOMPLISHMENT, I'M SURE.
LOOK OUT. HERE IT COMES.
Mr. Moulterd: HOWZAT?
HOWZAT?
JUST A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T NEED
THE BOOK FOR THAT,
YOU OLD DUFFER! HE'S OUT!
OH, YES... UM...
AH... OH... OUT!
Miss Lovelock: WELL DONE!
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE
TO REGRET THIS DAY.
I'M VERY UPSET ABOUT IT ALREADY.
RIGHT, THEN. HOW WE DOIN'?
IT'S A PRETTY
DESPERATE SITUATION.
WE'D BE IN A VERY
STRONG POSITION
IF YOU HADN'T PUT
MR. HUMPHRIES ON TO BOWL.
DO YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
THAT BAD TEMPERED UMPIRE
LIKES ME.
EVERY TIME I WENT
NEAR THE WICKET,
HE SHOUTED, "NO BALLS!"
STILL, THEY ONLY MADE 85.
WE JUST NEED ANOTHER 15.
I'M SURE MR. MOULTERD CAN
EASILY MAKE THAT FOR US,
IF MR. HUMPHRIES
CAN KEEP HIS END UP.
I'LL DO MY VERY BEST.
YOU WEREN'T THINKI" OF EATIN'
THAT LAST SANDWICH, WERE YOU?
NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NO, I JUST PICKED IT UP FOR YOU.
MUSTARD?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET BACK
WHILE THE LIGHT'S GOOD.
GOOD LUCK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
WHATEVER HAPPENS,
I'M PROUD O' YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'LL LOOK AFTER THE BATTIN',
YOU GET READY TO RUN.
IS THAT CLEAR?
PERFECTLY.
IF YOU GOTTA BAT,
WATCH OUT FOR HIS GOOGLIES.
I SHALL BE VERY ALERT.
THAT HAT SUITS YOU SO WELL.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KEEP IT, AS
A MEMENTO OF THE OCCASION?
I DON'T THINK I'LL FORGET IT.
OOF!
YES!
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- RUN!
- DON'T STAND THERE!
AND ANOTHER.
WE'LL GET ANOTHER.
OH, I DON'T THINK WE CAN.
YES!
HOWZAT?
OUT!
DRAT!
IT ALL HANGS ON
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. RUMBOLD?
HE MEANS THE MATCH.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
ME BRACES WENT.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S ALL
UP WITH US NOW.
I WONDER IF SHE SHOULD'VE
HAD HER READING GLASSES?
OH, I DON'T THINK THE
TAIL IS GOING TO WAG.
AH, JESSICA, YOU DID VERY WELL.
I THINK YOU'RE DEFINITELY
THE MAN OF THE MATCH.
I WAS DEFINITELY NOT
OUT LEG BEFORE WICKET!
WELL, ANYWAY, IT WAS
A VERY SHAPELY LEG.
( spits )
I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR THIS.
BYE.
'BYE.
NO, MR. HUMPHRIES. COME BACK.
THAT'S ANOTHER FOUR.
THAT WERE GOOD, THE
WAY HE LET THAT GO.
A SNAP DECISION.
I HIT IT!
OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
I'VE JUST RUN DOWN THE PITCH.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE AT THE OTHER END.
Spectators, shouting: RUN, RUN!
RUN! COME!
All: RUN! RUN!
YES! NOT OUT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
HE SAID "NOT OUT!"
DO YOU WANNA MAKE
SOMETHING OUT OF IT?
ANY MORE FROM YOU AND I'LL
SHOW YOU THE YELLOW CARD!
EVERYTHING DEPENDS
ON MR. HUMPHRIES.
I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH.
PULL THE BRIM FURTHER DOWN.
( breathing hard )
( chanting ) RUN! RUN!
KEEP RUNNIN'
FOUR.
FIVE.
KEEP RUNNIN'!
SIX!
SEVEN!
YOU CAN STOP NOW. WE'VE WON!
( all cheering )
HE'S COMIN' ROUND.
THEY SAY WE CAN STOP NOW.
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP.
I'D BETTER KEEP RUNNING.
( theme music playing )
Mr. Rumbold: GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
AH! GOODBYE, MR. LUBITCH.
I DO HOPE YOUR GROUP
ENJOYED YOUR STAY
AT MILLSTONE MANOR?
YEAH, GREAT, SWELL. VERY QUAINT.
IS THE COACH OUTSIDE?
THE, UH, HALL
PORTER IS INDISPOSED,
SO THE WAITER AND
BARMAN WILL TAKE THE CASES
OUT TO THE COACH.
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
TAKE THE CASES OUT TO THE COACH.
I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF COUNTING MY GHERKINS.
AND THERE'S ONE MISSING.
PEACOCK? PEACOCK!
ARE YOU FREE?
THE ROOM SERVICE FINISHED
THREE MINUTES AGO, SIR.
GOOD. HELP HUMPHRIES
WITH THE CASES.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
WHEN I RETURN, I'D LIKE
A FEW WORDS WITH YOU
ABOUT THE CONDITIONS
OF MY EMPLOYMENT.
OOH, UGH.
WELL, GOODBYE AND
GOOD LUCK AT GATWICK.
( coach horn honking )
HAVE THEY GONE?
YES, JUST GETTING ON
THE COACH FOR GATWICK.
WHAT A STINGY LOT.
ALL I GOT WAS THEIR LOOSE CHANGE
AND A COUPLE OF GREEK DRACHMAS.
WHAT DID YOU GET, MISS BRAHMS?
WELL, THE BALD-HEADED ONE,
HE GAVE ME 50 QUID.
MISS BRAHMS!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET THAT?
JUST BIT ME LIP TO STOP MYSELF
TELLING HIM IT WASN'T A FIVER.
NOW, REMEMBER, ALL TIPS
ARE TO BE SHARED EQUALLY.
Mrs. Slocombe: WHAT DID
YOU GET, MR. HUMPHRIES?
50p AND A SLIGHT HERNIA.
THE NEXT TIME YOU
DO THAT... TO ME,
I SHALL DO THAT... TO YOU!
I LEFT MY CLEANING IN A CASE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
STAIRS, WHERE'S IT GONE?
GATWICK AND DISNEYLAND.
IT'S ON THE COACH.
OH, GOD! STOP!
LET'S GO AND SEE
IF MAVIS HAS GOT THE KETTLE ON.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
HERE YOU ARE.
GET THAT DOWN YOU, DAD.
THANKS.
THEN I SHALL HAVE TO GO
AND FERTILIZE THE RHUBARB.
THEY DON'T MAKE TEA LIKE
THEY USED TO, YOU KNOW?
YOU GOTTA SUCK THE TEABAGS
BEFORE YOU GET ANY TASTE!
NOW, YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF, DADS.
DID THEM AMERICANS
GIVE YOU ANY TIPS
WHEN YOU SHOWED
'EM AROUND THE FARM?
WELL, I MADE 'EM ALL CLIMB
OVER A FIVE-BARRED GATE,
LOTTA CHANGE FELL
OUTTA THEIR POCKETS.
THANK GOODNESS, THAT LOT'S GONE.
I GOT A NICE CUPPA TEA FOR YOU.
IF YOU SUCK THE TEABAGS!
YOU GET THE CUPS
OUT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
RIGHT, MAVIS. NOW,
WHAT SHALL WE HAVE?
DADDY BEAR OR BABY BEAR?
LET'S HAVE THE LARGE
ONE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I FIND THAT AMERICANS
GIVE ME QUITE A THIRST.
WELL, THEY ALWAYS USED TO.
MIND YOU, THEY GAVE US
QUITE A NICE LITTLE CHECK.
£1,700.
YES, WE'RE KEEPING
OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER.
ONE WONDERS IF ONE REALLY NEEDS
TO EMPLOY ANY EXTRA STAFF?
IF WE ALL MUCK IN,
WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY WAGES
AND THERE'S ALL THE MORE FOR US.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL
FOR YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU DO ANYTHING
MORE ENERGETIC THAN THAT.
I DO IT TO CREATE THE
RIGHT ATMOSPHERE.
YOU HAVEN'T CREATED IT WITH ME.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE
TO UNBUNG THE LOOS.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ERASE
THE TIDEMARKS FROM THE BATHS.
YOU WANNA LEAVE THEY.
THEY REMINDS YOU HOW
MUCH HOT WATER YOU CAN USE.
I GOT ONE THAT
GOES BACK TO 1937.
DAD, DON'T EXAGGERATE.
WELL... 1949, THEN.
GO AND FERTILIZE
THE RHUBARB, DAD.
DOES HE DO THAT
WITH A WATERING CAN?
YEAH, SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT.
NO WONDER SOMEONE SAID
THE SPROUTS TASTED OF TETLEY'S.
Woman: YOO-HOO, YOO-HOO!
WHAT'S THAT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL'S VOICE.
PERHAPS IT'S A GYPSY
GIRL SELLING SOMETHING.
YOO-HOO!
IT'S EITHER CLOTHESPEGS
OR A TUBE OF GLUE.
OH, IT'S MISS LITTLEWOOD.
SHE WAS THE LADY MAGISTRATE
WHEN YOU FELL FOUL OF THE LAW.
DON'T REMIND ME.
CAN I COME IN?
I TRIED THE FRONT,
BUT THE BELL PULL
CAME AWAY IN MY HAND.
DO COME IN, MISS LITTLEWOOD.
OH, YOU REMEMBER ME?
I REMEMBER YOU.
COME AND SIT DOWN.
I'LL SQUEEZE IN, NEXT TO YOU.
MISS BRAHMS, ISN'T IT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I REMEMBER YOU FROM COURT.
YOU GAVE YOUR EVIDENCE SO WELL.
AND THE LIGHT SEEMED
TO STRIKE YOUR EYES
IN THE MOST STARTLING FASHION.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T WEAR
CONTACT LENSES, DO YOU?
NOT UP TILL NOW, NO.
MIND YOU, I'M BETTER
FURTHER AWAY
THAN CLOSER TO.
I'M THE OTHER WAY.
I'M IN BETWEEN.
BIFOCALS.
AND TO WHAT DO WE OWE
THE GREAT PLEASURE
OF THIS VISIT?
IT'S NOTHING TO DO
WITH A CASE, I HOPE?
OH, NO. I'M HERE TO
TALK ABOUT CRICKET.
YOUNG MR. GRACE USED TO LET US
USE THE PITCH ON YOUR LAWN,
AND HE'D MAKE UP A TEAM
FROM MILLSTONE MANOR.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D
CONTINUE THE TRADITION?
OH, WELL, WE'D
LOVE TO, I'M SURE.
NOW, HOW MANY MEN CAN WE FIELD?
THERE'S MR. RUMBOLD AND MYSELF,
AND, UH, MR. MOULTERD.
AND I'M SURE MR. HUMPHRIES
IS NOT TOTALLY UNACQUAINTED
WITH CRACK OF WILLOW
AGAINST LEATHER.
OH, HEH, HEH. I HAVEN'T
HEARD THAT FOR YEARS.
HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT
CRICKET, MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, I KNOW. I'VE OFTEN
WANTED TO DELIVER
A FAST ONE FROM
THE GASWORKS END.
ACTUALLY, IT'S A MIXED TEAM,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
JUST A BIT OF FUN.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
WITH MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MISS BRAHMS, MISS
LOVELOCK AND MAVIS,
WE CAN MAKE UP EIGHT.
PROVIDED THEY'RE
WILLING, OF COURSE.
I'M SURE MISS BRAHMS IS GAME?
WELL, FOR CRICKET, YES.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I'D HAVE YOU KNOW, MISS BRAHMS,
THAT WHEN I WAS A LAND
GIRL, WE PLAYED THE R.A.F.
AND I WAS THE OPENING BOWLER,
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT MY BOUNCERS
WERE GREATLY RESPECTED.
I USUALLY STAND
BY, THAT MAKES NINE.
WELL, DAD'S GOT A COUPLE
OF LOCAL FARM HANDS
WHO HELP OUT WHEN WE'RE BUSY.
THEY COULD MAKE UP THE TEAM.
DO CRICKETERS WEAR MAKE-UP?
AHEM, YES, WELL, IT SOUNDS
AS IF WE'VE GOT A TEAM.
WILL WE BE PLAYING AGAINST
THE VILLAGE... GREAT TENDER?
WELL, THEY CAN ONLY
MUSTER ABOUT HALF A DOZEN,
SO THEY'LL BE PLAYING
WITH TENDER BOTTOM.
OOH, UGH, OW, UM.
I FEEL LIKE A CART HORSE.
IT'S GOING VERY WELL.
I'M FOAMIN' AT THE MOUTH.
IT'S YOUR TURN NOW.
RIGHT. LET'S TURN IT ROUND.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU GOT THE BACK.
MR. HUMPHRIES, IN THE FRONT.
THERE WE ARE. NOW,
GET A GOOD GRIP.
JUST WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I SHALL START YOU
OFF AND GUIDE YOU.
HMM, I THOUGHT IT'D
BE SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
COME ALONG, MISS BRAHMS.
HELP ME TO SPREAD OUT THE TENT.
RIGHT. NOW THEN, ONE... TWO...
THREE... HEAVE! WE'RE AWAY!
KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP!
YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL.
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE
NOT GOING STRAIGHT!
I'M TRYING TO, BELIEVE ME.
POOR MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE VEINS ARE STANDING
OUT ON 'IS FOREHEAD.
HE CERTAINLY KNOWS
HOW TO THROW HIMSELF
INTO THINGS, DON'T HE?
I HOPE HE DON'T STRAIN NOTHIN'.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL DAMAGE
ANYTHING HE'S GONNA USE.
HOW MUCH FURTHER?
ONLY A FEW YARDS.
HOW ARE YOU BEARING
UP, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'M EXHAUSTED.
THIS IS THE FIRST
THING I'VE PULLED
SINCE WE GOT HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR FUN,
BUT YOU'VE GONE
OVER MY WHITE LINES,
AND YOU'VE MADE ABOUT
FOUR MORE CREASES.
OH, DEAR.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THAT?
YOU WERE GUIDING US.
I SUGGEST YOU GET
A POT OF GREEN PAINT
AND PAINT THEM OUT.
NOW, WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?
I'M NOT SURE WE'VE GONE
ABOUT THIS THE RIGHT WAY.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D HAVE
SENT A BOOK OF INSTRUCTIONS.
OH, HERE'S DAD, HE'LL KNOW.
WHAT A BLOOMIN' MESS.
I NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT IN ALL ME LIFE.
GOD'S TRUTH.
YOU'RE MAKING A RIGHT
PIG OF THAT, AIN'T YOU?
YOU'RE DOIN' IT ALL WRONG,
ALTOGETHER WRONG.
A CONSTRUCTIVE SUGGESTION
WOULDN'T GO AMISS, MR. MOULTERD.
WELL... YOU SEE THEM POLES?
THEY'RE WHAT HOLDS IT UP.
THEY'RE NO GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE.
THEY GOTTA BE ON THE INSIDE.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, 'TIS LIKE THIS.
THE SPIKES ON THE POLES
MUST GO IN THE HOLES.
WHAT HOLES, MR. MOULTERD?
THEM HOLES!
NOW, I TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU TWO, HOLD THE TENT FOR US.
GRAB A POLE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT IT.
THIS IS JUST LIKE
OLD TIMES, AIN'T IT?
MR. MOULTERD, I
HAVE NO RECOLLECTION
OF ANYTHING OCCURRING BETWEEN US
IN "OLD TIMES," AS YOU PUT IT,
OTHER THAN A BRIEF
ENCOUNTER IN TIVERTON.
OH, HOITY-TOITY!
LOOK, CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS?
GO ON, THEN.
Captain Peacock:
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MR. MOULTERD IS
HELPING MRS. SLOCOMBE
PUT THE POLES IN THE HOLES.
Mrs. Slocombe: MR. MOULTERD,
WILL YOU PLEASE BE CAREFUL
WHERE YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR POLE?
I WAS ONLY SHOWIN' YA
SO YOU'D KNOW NEXT TIME.
THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE A "NEXT TIME"!
I'M GETTIN' MINE IN.
HOW IS IT FOR YOU?
OH, NO. I'VE GOT QUITE
A LONG WAY TO GO, YET.
DON'T YOU THINK WE
OUGHT TO GIVE THEM A HAND?
THEY SEEM TO BE
MANAGING VERY WELL.
Mrs. Slocombe: OH! THE
DRATTED THING SLIPPED OUT.
MOVE OVER, I'LL DO IT!
STAY WHERE YOU
ARE, MR. MOULTERD.
UNH! AH! I'VE DONE IT!
IT'S OBVIOUSLY MORE COMPLICATED
THAN IT LOOKS.
ME DAD HASN'T DONE
IT FOR A LONG TIME.
WELL! I SHAN'T BE DOING
THAT AGAIN IN A HURRY.
Mr. Rumbold: WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
Mr. Moulterd: WE GOTTA
BANG ON THE KNOBS
AND WE NEEDS A GOOD PULL.
HERE THEY ARE.
NOW, SHOVE 'EM ON THE SPIKES.
I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.
DON'T OVERDO IT, MR. RUMBOLD.
NOW WE NEEDS A BIT OF WEIGHT
ON THE OTHER END OF THE POLES.
YOU PUT YOUR FOOT ON THAT ONE.
YOU HEAVY ENOUGH.
I'LL LOOK AFTER THIS ONE.
THE REST OF YA, TAKE THE ROPES.
NOW, YOU LEAVE ALL THE
PULLIN' TO ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN
YOUR FAIR SHARE TODAY.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET
YOU GO ON THAT ROLLER.
I WAS GETTING VARICOSE VEINS
IN ME FOREHEAD.
YOU READY?
MISS LOVELOCK, WILL
YOU GIVE US A START?
HOW DO YOU SUGGEST I
DO THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
LIFT THE POLE A FEW FEET,
AND WE'LL GO THE
REST OF THE WAY.
I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT IT
WOULD TAKE EIGHT GROWN PEOPLE
TO RAISE ONE SMALL MARQUEE.
Mr. Moulterd: READY? HEAVE!
Captain Peacock: THAT
INCLUDES YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.
HEAVE! HEAVE!
HEAVE! HEAVE!
Mrs. Slocombe: AARGH!
I ALWAYS SAY, IF AT FIRST
YOU DON'T SUCCEED...
GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT.
OH, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
I'M MAKING SOMETHI"
FOR THE CRICKET TEA.
WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL, I'VE DONE THE
SANDWICHES AND THE SCONES.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
SOME GINGERBREAD MEN.
OH, DO YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MAKE THESE?
BUT ME MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME
AFTER THE FIRST TIME.
SHE DIDN'T LIKE
WHERE I WAS PUTTING
THE CURRANTS.
WELL, YOU CAN HAVE A GO NOW.
BUT... YOU'VE GOTTA
LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE KISS FIRST.
OH, ALL RIGHT. GO ON, THEN.
( smack )
IS IT ALL OVER WITH?
YES, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW.
THAT WAS QUITE NICE, REALLY.
D'YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?
NO! NO! THANK YOU.
THAT'S JUST ENOUGH.
I DON'T THINK YOU
KNOW HOW NICE YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT THAT, MAVIS.
IT'S JUST THAT... WELL...
I THINK WE SHOULD
KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP
AS IT IS.
JUST SHARING A BED TOGETHER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE DON'T WANT
PEOPLE TO TALK, DO WE?
THEY'RE TALKING ALREADY.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET MARRIED?
THAT'D STOP PEOPLE TALKIN'.
IT'D STOP ME TALKING.
YOU KNOW, MAVIS,
JUST THINK OF US
AS MAKING GINGERBREAD
MEN TOGETHER.
YOU DON'T WANNA SHARE
A BED TOGETHER NO MORE?
WELL, ACTUALLY, NO.
THAT'S WORKING OUT QUITE WELL,
ESPECIALLY IN THE COLD WEATHER.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I MUST EXPLAIN.
YOU SEE...
THERE'S A BIG
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
WELL, THERE'S A BIG
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME, ANYWAY.
I MEAN, YOU'RE VERY
YOUNG, AND I'M...
WELL, I MEAN, LET
ME PUT IT THIS WAY,
IF MY LIFE WAS A TRAIN RIDE,
FROM LONDON TO BIRMINGHAM,
I'VE JUST GONE FLAT
OUT PAST RUGBY.
OH, I DON'T CARE.
I STILL WANT TO BE THERE
WHEN YOU HIT THE BUFFERS.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO.
THERE'S SO MANY
CURRANTS ON THAT,
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
HE'S GOT CHICKENPOX.
UH-UH!
"WATER CARRIER OR BASEBALL
PLAYER," SEVEN LETTERS?
PITCHER.
OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S THE ANSWER I
WAS JUST PUTTING IN.
D'YOU GET A PRIZE
FOR DOING THAT?
NOT IN THE "TIMES."
IT JUST EXERCISES THE MIND.
MIND YOU, I SUPPOSE THAT'S
ALL YOU CAN EXERCISE NOW.
MR. MOULTERD HAS
JUST BROUGHT ROUND
THIS BAG OF CRICKETING GEAR.
ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
SOMETHING WITH BIG EARS,
FOUR EYES, FULL OF WIND,
AND DOESN'T WORK.
IS THAT A CLUE?
NO, MORE A COMMENT.
I'VE DRAWN UP A BATTING ORDER.
I SHALL OPEN THE INNINGS
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WE'LL WEAR DOWN THE BOWLERS.
YOU COULD DO THAT
JUST BY TALKING TO 'EM.
DO WE UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY
APPOINTED YOURSELF CAPTAIN?
WELL, I'M QUITE
PREPARED TO STEP ASIDE,
IF ANYONE ELSE THINKS
THEY'RE BETTER QUALIFIED.
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW,
THAT IN MY LAST TERM,
I HIT A SIX, TO WIN
THE SCHOOL MATCH.
WELL, I ONCE HIT TWO FOURS.
ANY ADVANCE ON EIGHT?
THE CAPTAIN HAS TO
BUY THE WINNING TEAM
A ROUND OF DRINKS.
IN THAT CASE,
MR. RUMBOLD'S THE CAPTAIN.
AH.
THEN THERE'S MISS LOVELOCK.
I'VE LEFT THE REST OPEN
UNTIL WE SEE WHAT SORT OF PEOPLE
MOULTERD PRODUCES.
NOW, WHEN IT'S
OUR TURN TO FIELD,
B. SLOCOMBE WILL
OPEN THE BOWLING.
I'M SORRY, MR. RUMBOLD,
BUT I'VE PUT MY SHOULDER OUT,
UNDER THE TENT.
OH, PUTTING THE
POLE IN THE HOLE?
FENDING OFF MR. MOULTERD.
OH, DEAR. THAT'S A
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
I FOUND THE OLD BAT.
THANK YOU, MR. MOULTERD.
MIND YOU, I WAS QUITE
GOOD BEHIND THE WICKET.
NOT HALF AS GOOD AS SHE WAS
BEHIND THE SIGHTSCREENS.
IF HE WAS A NEWSPAPER,
YOU COULD SUE HIM
FOR DEFORMING YOUR CHARACTER.
HE OBVIOUSLY HAS VERY
FOND MEMORIES OF YOU.
YOU'RE PROBABLY THE
FIRST GIRL HE EVER KISSED.
I DIDN'T KISS HIM!
IT'S ALL IN HIS IMAGINATION.
WELL, HE'S OBVIOUSLY
HAD A LITTLE CANDLE
BURNING FOR YOU ALL THESE YEARS.
WELL, I NEVER LIT HIS
WICK, AND THAT'S FOR SURE!
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
All: MORNING, MR. THORPE.
YOU REMEMBER MY
SECRETARY, UH, MISS...
PRESCOTT.
THANK YOU.
WE'VE BROUGHT SOME
PAPERS DOWN FOR YOU TO SIGN.
WE THOUGHT IT BEST TO
LIQUIDATE OUR INTEREST
IN THE RANGOON
GASMANTLE COMPANY.
OH, DO WE GET
MORE LOLLY, IF WE DO?
WELL, YOU GET
LESS, IF YOU DON'T.
WE ARE RENTING THE
BANGKOK FACTORY
OUT TO A LOCAL BUSINESSMAN.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME, MISS, UH...
PRESCOTT.
NO, NO. THE BUSINESSMAN.
HWONG PING WANG.
WHAT DOES HE DO? MAKE BANJOS?
HE INTENDS TO USE THE PREMISES
AS A MASSAGE PARLOR.
OH, DEAR. I DON'T THINK WE
COULD BE A PARTY TO THAT.
WELL, IT'D RAISE THE, UH...
RAISE THE, UH...
RETURN, TENFOLD.
OH. WELL...
AS LONG AS IT'S NICELY
RUN, MR. RUMBOLD.
I GOT THE BLOKES THAT'S
GONNA MAKE UP THE TEAM.
SHALL I BRING 'EM IN?
THEY'LL TAKE THEIR
BOOTS OFF FIRST.
NO, NO, NO. TAKE THEM
ROUND TO THE KITCHEN
AND WASH THEM
UNDER THE OUTSIDE TAP.
OH, AND MISS LITTLEWOOD SAID,
"CAN YOU FIND A UMPIRE?"
OH, DEAR. THAT'S
A BIT OF A POSER.
HMM. DO YOU HAVE TO
HURRY AWAY, MR. THORPE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN'S MY NEXT
APPOINTMENT, MISS PRESCOTT?
A WEEK ON TUESDAY, IN BANGKOK.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ALL SORT OF LITTLE, UH,
FIDDLY LITTLE LEGAL THINGS
TO BE STRAIGHTENED OUT.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT DO
A SPOT OF UMPIRING FOR US.
IN BANGKOK?
NO, HERE, MR. THORPE.
OH, YES. YES, DELIGHTED.
HOW'S THAT LEMONADE
COMING ALONG,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'VE SQUEEZED 52 ALREADY.
WELL, PUT THE SKINS IN THE BINS
WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED.
OH, NO! I'M GOING TO
SAVE THEM FOR ME ELBOWS.
THIS IS ALFIE.
THIS IS DICK.
THIS IS JESSIE.
THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
HE'S TOOK OVER FROM THE CHEF.
HELLO, HELLO.
IS JESSIE SHORT FOR ANYTHING?
NO, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
A JESSIE IN OUR FAMILY.
REALLY?
MALCOLM!
ARE YOU PLAYIN' FOR WE?
NO, I'VE BEEN CHOSEN
FOR TENDER BOTTOM.
DID YOU GET MY NOTE
UNDER OUR ROCK?
I HAVEN'T BEEN THAT WAY LATELY.
THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH. THERE'S TALK IN
THE VILLAGE ABOUT YOU.
OH, REALLY? ANYTHING
I SHOULD KNOW?
WORD IS, YOU'VE
BEEN SETTIN' YOUR CAP
AT MAVIS HERE.
THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
IF ONE NIGHT,
YOU BE WALKIN' DOWN A DARK LANE,
DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
I'LL BE VERY SURPRISED
IF I'M THERE AT ALL.
YOU BE ABOUT YOUR
BUSINESS, MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF.
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME
IN THIS HOUSE.
THERE'S NOTHIN'
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
AND THERE NEVER WILL BE.
WILL YOU TELL HIM,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
WELL, I THINK YOU'VE
MADE THAT QUITE PLAIN.
THAT'S AS MAY BE, BUT
HE'S NOT GONNA HAVE YOU!
- OOH!
- DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
( chuckling )
LEMONADE?
NO PITH.
MR. MOULTERD WILL
OPEN THE BOWLING.
HE SAYS HE GETS AN
EDGE ON OCCASIONALLY.
SO LET'S SEE, WHO'S NEXT?
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'D
BETTER BE IN THE SLIPS.
DO YOU KNOW, I WAS
ABOUT TO SUGGEST THAT?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU'LL BE SECOND SLIP.
PEACOCK... GULLY,
AND I'LL BE SILLY MID-ON.
RIGHT, OFF WE GO.
COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING,
BUT I WAS ALL DONE UP,
AND I HAD TO GO TO THE LADIES.
CAN I HELP?
YES, DEAR.
YOU CAN PUT UP THE NUMBERS,
WHEN I TELL YOU THE SCORE.
I'VE HAD A LOOK AT THE RULES.
SOME OF THE SIGNALS
ARE RATHER CONFUSING,
BUT I THINK I'LL
GET THE HANG OF IT.
AM I THE ONLY UMPIRE?
NO, MY COLLEAGUE ON THE BENCH
WILL BE AT THE OTHER END.
OH.
ARE YOU READY, SIR ROBERT?
OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE THAT CLEVER DICK
LAWYER FROM LONDON.
WE MET IN MY COURT.
I WAS ONLY DOING MY BEST
ON BEHALF OF MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH AND A RIGHT DOG'S
DINNER YOU MADE OF IT.
LET'S GET OUT THERE.
NOW, MISS BRAHMS
SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE
WITHOUT A HAT ON IN THIS SUN.
LOOK, I'VE GOT A SPARE ONE.
RUN AND GIVE IT TO HER.
THERE'S A GOOD GIRL.
REMEMBER, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
IF HE LOOKS LIKE GETTING HALF
AN INCH OUT OF THE CREASE,
WHIP HIS BAILS OFF.
YOU CAN RELY ON
ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YES?
OH!
PLAY.
JUST A MOMENT.
SORRY.
IS HE LEAVIN' US?
HE'S PACING OUT HIS RUN.
I SHOULD STAND BACK
A BIT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S DIGGING IN.
WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
WELL, DON'T ASK ME.
I HARDLY KNOW HIM.
WHATEVER HE'S DOING,
HE'S VERY THOROUGH.
HE'S SHINING THE BALL.
OH, HE'LL WEAR IT OUT.
WOULDN'T STAND
THERE, IF I WERE YOU.
MY SLASHES CAN
REACH THE BOUNDARY.
THAT'S QUITE AN
ACCOMPLISHMENT, I'M SURE.
LOOK OUT. HERE IT COMES.
Mr. Moulterd: HOWZAT?
HOWZAT?
JUST A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T NEED
THE BOOK FOR THAT,
YOU OLD DUFFER! HE'S OUT!
OH, YES... UM...
AH... OH... OUT!
Miss Lovelock: WELL DONE!
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE
TO REGRET THIS DAY.
I'M VERY UPSET ABOUT IT ALREADY.
RIGHT, THEN. HOW WE DOIN'?
IT'S A PRETTY
DESPERATE SITUATION.
WE'D BE IN A VERY
STRONG POSITION
IF YOU HADN'T PUT
MR. HUMPHRIES ON TO BOWL.
DO YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
THAT BAD TEMPERED UMPIRE
LIKES ME.
EVERY TIME I WENT
NEAR THE WICKET,
HE SHOUTED, "NO BALLS!"
STILL, THEY ONLY MADE 85.
WE JUST NEED ANOTHER 15.
I'M SURE MR. MOULTERD CAN
EASILY MAKE THAT FOR US,
IF MR. HUMPHRIES
CAN KEEP HIS END UP.
I'LL DO MY VERY BEST.
YOU WEREN'T THINKI" OF EATIN'
THAT LAST SANDWICH, WERE YOU?
NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NO, I JUST PICKED IT UP FOR YOU.
MUSTARD?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET BACK
WHILE THE LIGHT'S GOOD.
GOOD LUCK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
WHATEVER HAPPENS,
I'M PROUD O' YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'LL LOOK AFTER THE BATTIN',
YOU GET READY TO RUN.
IS THAT CLEAR?
PERFECTLY.
IF YOU GOTTA BAT,
WATCH OUT FOR HIS GOOGLIES.
I SHALL BE VERY ALERT.
THAT HAT SUITS YOU SO WELL.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KEEP IT, AS
A MEMENTO OF THE OCCASION?
I DON'T THINK I'LL FORGET IT.
OOF!
YES!
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- RUN!
- DON'T STAND THERE!
AND ANOTHER.
WE'LL GET ANOTHER.
OH, I DON'T THINK WE CAN.
YES!
HOWZAT?
OUT!
DRAT!
IT ALL HANGS ON
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. RUMBOLD?
HE MEANS THE MATCH.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
ME BRACES WENT.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S ALL
UP WITH US NOW.
I WONDER IF SHE SHOULD'VE
HAD HER READING GLASSES?
OH, I DON'T THINK THE
TAIL IS GOING TO WAG.
AH, JESSICA, YOU DID VERY WELL.
I THINK YOU'RE DEFINITELY
THE MAN OF THE MATCH.
I WAS DEFINITELY NOT
OUT LEG BEFORE WICKET!
WELL, ANYWAY, IT WAS
A VERY SHAPELY LEG.
( spits )
I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR THIS.
BYE.
'BYE.
NO, MR. HUMPHRIES. COME BACK.
THAT'S ANOTHER FOUR.
THAT WERE GOOD, THE
WAY HE LET THAT GO.
A SNAP DECISION.
I HIT IT!
OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
I'VE JUST RUN DOWN THE PITCH.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE AT THE OTHER END.
Spectators, shouting: RUN, RUN!
RUN! COME!
All: RUN! RUN!
YES! NOT OUT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
HE SAID "NOT OUT!"
DO YOU WANNA MAKE
SOMETHING OUT OF IT?
ANY MORE FROM YOU AND I'LL
SHOW YOU THE YELLOW CARD!
EVERYTHING DEPENDS
ON MR. HUMPHRIES.
I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH.
PULL THE BRIM FURTHER DOWN.
( breathing hard )
( chanting ) RUN! RUN!
KEEP RUNNIN'
FOUR.
FIVE.
KEEP RUNNIN'!
SIX!
SEVEN!
YOU CAN STOP NOW. WE'VE WON!
( all cheering )
HE'S COMIN' ROUND.
THEY SAY WE CAN STOP NOW.
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP.
I'D BETTER KEEP RUNNING.
( theme music playing )