Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

- GOOD MORNING, MAVIS.
- OH, YOU BE UP EARLY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WELL, I HAD RATHER
A RESTLESS NIGHT.

DID MISS BRAHMS KEEP YOU
AWAKE WITH HER SNORING AGAIN?

OH, NO, NO, NO. BUT MY
PUSSY WAS VERY AGITATED.

ALL THOSE AMERICAN TOURISTS

WOULD INSIST ON
GIVING HER TIDBITS.

THEN THE POOR THING
GOT HER PAW STUCK

IN SOME CHEWING GUM.
AND DURING THE NIGHT

WHEN SHE WENT TO WASH HER FACE,

YOU KNOW, THE WAY CATS DO...



SHE GOT HER PAW
STUCK IN HER LEFT EAR.

OH, THE POOR THING.
DID YOU GET IT OFF?

WELL, I TRIED TO, MAVIS,
BUT SHE RAN AWAY.

NEVER YOU MIND.

YOU HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA.

- WELL, THERE'S NO MILK.
- OH.

MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MY WORD, YOU
SHOULDN'T WALK ROUND

IN A FLIMSY OUTFIT LIKE THAT.

SET A BLOKE ON FIRE.

IF ONE IS AS DRIED
UP AS WHAT YOU ARE,

I SHOULD IMAGINE YOU'D
BURST INTO FLAMES VERY EASILY.

NOW THEN, YOU TWO, DON'T START.

I BROUGHT THE EGGS AND THE MILK.



YOU OUGHTA LET
ME DO THE MILKIN'.

IT'S BAD FOR YOUR BACK,
ALL THAT BENDING DOWN.

OH, I GOT ROUND THAT.

I WALKED THE COW
UP ON THE MILK CART,

AND TOOK OUT A
COUPLE OF FLOORBOARDS,

AND MILK HER STANDING UP.

GOT SOME IN ME HAT.

I'LL HAVE MY TEA
WITH LEMON, MAVIS.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

- GOOD MORNING, MAVIS.
- OH, MORNING.

DON'T I GET A GOOD
MORNING, THEN?

OR AM I INVISIBLE?

I'M SORRY, MR. MOULTERD,

YOU ARE VERY VISIBLE.

NOT TO MENTION AROMATIC.

WELL, I'D BETTER BE OFF,

I GOT A LOAD OF MUCK TO
TAKE UP TO THE TOP FIELD.

WHAT AN EXCITING LIFE
ONE LEADS IN THE COUNTRY.

THERE'S NO NEED TO LOOK
DOWN ON US COUNTRY FOLK,

JUST 'CAUSE WE'RE
CLOSE TO THE SOIL.

MY DAD'S AN 'ARD WORKER,
AND HE'S GOT A BIG 'EART.

PITY IT'S IN SUCH AN
UNATTRACTIVE WRAPPING.

YOU GET ON WITH YOUR PORRIDGE.

AND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO
MR. HUMPHRIES THIS MORNING?

OH, HE'S VERY TIRED,
HE'S UP ALL NIGHT.

ANY SPECIFIC REASON?

WELL, HE SAID HE HAD A
BAD ARM FROM DOING THIS

BEHIND THE BAR
WITH THE AMERICANS.

AND WHAT EXACTLY WAS HE DOING?

SHAKING COCKTAILS.

I'LL GO AND SEE IF
I CAN AROUSE HIM.

YOU KNOW, STEVEN,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I DON'T THINK THAT GIRL'S IN
A VERY HEALTHY SITUATION.

SHE'S BESOTTED
WITH MR. HUMPHRIES,

AND BEING A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL,

I DON'T THINK SHE REALIZES

THAT HE'S NOT WHAT
YOU MIGHT DESCRIBE...

IN THE WIDEST POSSIBLE TERMS...

A WOMAN'S MAN.

YES, AND ON THE OTHER HAND,

HE'S NOT, WITHIN THE SAME
BOUNDARIES YOU DESCRIBE,

- A MAN'S MAN.
- TRUE.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL HER?

MRS. SLOCOMBE... BETTY...

HOW DO YOU BREAK IT TO A PERSON

IF THEY'VE GOT A MAD,
PASSIONATE CRUSH

ON SOMEBODY IN LIMBO?

- MORNING.
- OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS BRAHMS.

DOES ANYONE KNOW, IS IT BAD LUCK

TO PASS A THREE-LEGGED
CAT ON THE STAIRS?

OH, THE POOR THING. I
MUST GO AND HELP HER.

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY.

IT WAS ONLY CHEWING GUM.

I PICKED HER UP
AND PULLED IT OFF.

LAST TIME I SAW HER, SHE WAS SAT

IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR
LOOKING AT HER BALD PATCH.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
THE DEVELOPING SITUATION

BETWEEN HIM AND MISS MOULTERD.

WE WERE THINKING
THAT ON THE ONE HAND,

IT HASN'T GONE VERY
FAR, BUT ON THE OTHER,

IT'S PROBABLY GONE FAR ENOUGH.

WHAT'S THE LATEST?

WE DON'T KNOW.

APPARENTLY HE WAS UP ALL NIGHT.

WAS HE?

AS A RESULT OF THE, UH,

THE OVER-VIGOROUS USE
OF HIS COCKTAIL SHAKER.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

EXCUSE MY BARE FOOT.

ONE SLIPPER IS STUCK

ON THE THIRD STAIR FROM THE TOP.

- CHEWING GUM?
- I'M AFRAID SO.

I HAD THE SAME
TROUBLE WITH MINE.

I HAD TO PUT A
COLD PLASTER ON IT.

YOU'RE BAD.

COME ON.

WAKE UP, MR. HUMPHRIES. WAKE UP.

- ( laughing )
- OH!

OH, WAKE UP! YOUR
PORRIDGE'LL BE GETTING COLD.

OH!

OH, IT'S YOU, THANK
HEAVEN FOR THAT.

OH, DO YOU KNOW, THESE AMERICANS

HAVE BEEN GIVING ME NIGHTMARES?

I DREAMT I WAS AT A GUNFIGHT

AT THE O.K. CORRAL.

I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT
WAS IN YOUR NATURE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WELL, IT ISN'T, MAVIS,

BUT THIS BIG COWBOY
JUST SAID TO ME,

"THIS TOWN ISN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US."

WELL, I TRIED TO
REASON WITH HIM.

I SUGGESTED WE GOT A
LITTLE FLAT IN NEW YORK.

WELL, THAT SEEMED
TO ANTAGONIZE HIM.

HE UNBUTTONED HIS
HOLSTER, AND HE SAID,

"I'LL GO FOR MINE AND
YOU GO FOR YOURS."

I WAS JUST FEELING FOR
IT WHEN YOU WOKE ME UP.

ALL THE AMERICANS HAVE GONE.

SO YOU MUSTN'T LET THEM PLAY

ON YOUR MIND NO MORE.

A NICE PLATE OF PORRIDGE
IS WHAT YOU NEED.

AND WE'LL HAVE TO GET
SOME BIGGER BLANKETS.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE?
- YOU KEEP DRAGGIN'
'EM OFF ME.

EVERY TIME I TRY TO
SNUGGLE UP CLOSE,

YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY.

I'M USED TO SLEEPING ALONE.

WOULD YOU RATHER I
ASK CAPTAIN PEACOCK

IF I COULD BUNK UP WITH HIM?

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

DO YOU THINK HE'D MIND?

I THINK YOU'D BETTER GET
SOME BIGGER BLANKETS.

BY THE WAY, HERE'S
YOUR SLIPPERS.

THANK YOU.

WHERE DID YOU USED
TO SLEEP BEFORE I CAME?

WELL, I COULDN'T
SLEEP IN DAD'S COTTAGE,

THE NOISE THERE
WAS SOMETHIN' AWFUL.

- SNORING?
- UH... WELL,

THAT AS WELL.

AND WHAT WITH THE
COWS ON THE OTHER SIDE,

I DIDN'T GET A WINK.

'COURSE IN THE SUMMER I
USED TO ENJOY CAMPIN' OUT.

SO DID I.

I WAS ALWAYS A BIT OF A TOMBOY.

SO WAS I.

HAVE YOU ANY
SISTERS OR BROTHERS?

WELL, NOT THAT I KNOW OF, NO.

I'VE GOT A LOT OF UNCLES.

THEY USED TO VISIT ME
MOTHER IN THE PARLOR

AFTER I'D GONE TO BED.

MOST OF THEM WERE SAILORS.

FULL OF TATTOOS.

THERE WAS ONE OF THEM,

HE HAD A BIG TATTOO
RIGHT DOWN HIS BACK,

OF A HUNTING SCENE.

YOU COULD JUST SEE
THE TAIL OF THE FOX.

WELL, YOU CAN PUT
ALL THAT BEHIND YOU,

- YOU'VE GOT
A FAMILY NOW.
- WHAT?

WELL, THERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

AND MISS BRAHMS.

THAT LOT'S VERY FOND
OF YOU, AND SO AM I.

YOU CAN THINK OF ME
AS YOUR BIG SISTER.

IN FACT, YOU CAN
CALL ME... BIG SIS.

YOU CAN BE THE
BROTHER I NEVER HAD.

YEAH, I THINK WE'LL
KEEP IT THAT WAY.

AH, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THERE'S A LETTER FOR YOU.

OH. OH, THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

OH, MISS BRAHMS, I
RECOGNIZE THE HANDWRITING.

IT'S FROM MRS. AXELBY.

MRS. AXELBY?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS
MANAGING A BEACH CAFE

OUT IN TORREMOLINOS.

IT DIDN'T WORK
OUT QUITE LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW THAT SPANISH WAITER

SHE WAS GOING OUT WITH?

WELL, HE DIDN'T OWN THE PLACE,

AND NOW SHE'S MUCKING IN

AS A BEACH ATTENDANT.

LOOKS LIKE SHE'S STILL DOING IT.

OH, I SAY, THE POOR THING.

OOH, SHE'S SAVING
UP TO GET HOME.

SHE'S WORKING ON A NUDE BEACH!

WITH VERY SMALL TIPS.

SHE'S SAYS IT'S UP
AND DOWN ALL DAY...

- WITH THE UMBRELLAS.
- OH, FANCY.

OH, SHE SAYS IT'S
EVER SUCH HARD WORK,

GETTING ALL THOSE
MATTRESSES IN AT NIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I WARNED HER.

BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE SHOULDN'T
BE DOING ALL THAT BENDING.

NOT AFTER HER OPERATION.

NO.

AND NOT WITH ALL THEM
SPANIARDS ABOUT EITHER.

HERE, SHE HASN'T GOT TO
BE NUDE AS WELL, HAS SHE?

OH NO, NOT MRS. AXELBY.

NOT WITH HER SKIN,
SHE'D BE RED RAW.

IT'S THE IRISH BLOOD, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, SHE COULD BE
COVERED IN CALAMINE LOTION,

AND STILL BLISTER
FROM HEAD TO FOOT.

EVEN IN WHITLEY BAY.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD RECEIVE
A LETTER FROM AN OLD FRIEND.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAS
JUST HAD AN INVITATION

FOR AN OLD COMRADE'S REUNION.

HE'S GONE UP TO THE WRITING ROOM

TO REPLY ON MILLSTONE
MANOR NOTEPAPER.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I
THINK HE'S A BIT OF A SNOB.

WELL, I BLAME HIS PARENTS

FOR SENDING HIM TO
READING GRAMMAR SCHOOL.

GOOD MORNING.

Mr. Rumbold: AH, MISS LOVELOCK,

PERHAPS YOU'D
COUNTERSIGN THIS CHECK?

IT'S FROM THE TOURIST OPERATOR

FOR THE AMERICAN PARTY.

YOU'VE BEEN ASTRIDE YOUR
MOUNT AGAIN, HAVE YOU?

YES, DARLING. HAD
A TWO MILE GALLOP,

A COUPLE OF JUMPS, AND
A GENTLE CANTER BACK.

IT'S VERY GOOD FOR THE
MUSCLES, ESPECIALLY THE BUST...

IF YOU CATCH IT IN TIME.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
IT'S AS FIRM AS IT WAS

WHEN I WAS 16!

I'M SURE THERE MUST BE
DOZENS OF ERRAND BOYS

WHO ARE STILL ALIVE THAT
COULD CONFIRM YOUR STORY.

DON'T DEMEAN
YOURSELF, MISS BRAHMS.

SHE'S NOT WORTH
TELLING TO GET STUFFED.

MISS LOVELOCK, NEXT TIME
YOU DECIDE TO JUMP A HEDGE,

WOULD YOU BEAR IN MIND
THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE

CROUCHING DOWN BEHIND IT?

OH, IT WAS YOU. YOU GAVE
MY HORSE QUITE A FRIGHT.

I HAD STUFFED ME PIPE,

AND I WAS OUT OF THE
WIND FLICKING ME ZIPPO.

WHAT EXACTLY'S
THAT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

OH, IT'S A LIGHTER THAT
CAN DO IT ANYWHERE.

IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THAT
NICE AMERICAN GENTLEMAN,

MR. CONKLIN.

HE SAID IT WAS FOR THE
MAN WHO HAD EVERYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE MEANT.

WELL, I'M GOING INTO TOWN.

I'LL TAKE THIS TO THE
BANK AND PAY IT IN.

I SAY, AN EXTRAORDINARY
THING HAPPENED.

I WAS IN THE WRITING ROOM,
LOOKING FOR SOME PAPER

TO REPLY TO A RATHER IMPORTANT
INVITATION THAT I RECEIVED,

AND I OPENED THE
DRAWER OF THE BUREAU,

AND CAME ACROSS THIS.

MY HEAVENS! A REVOLVER!

ACTUALLY, MR. RUMBOLD,
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC.

PERHAPS IT BELONGED
TO YOUNG MR. GRACE.

WHAT WOULD AN OLD GENTLEMAN LIKE
YOUNG MR. GRACE BE DOING WITH A GUN?

PERHAPS HE WAS ON
THE FIDDLE WITH HIS V.A.T.?

- IS IT LOADED?
- I HAVEN'T LOOKED.

YOU KNOW, IT'S
RATHER LIKE THE LUGERS

WE USED TO TAKE OFF THE GERMAN
OFFICERS IN THE WESTERN DESERT.

I SHOULDN'T FIDDLE
WITH IT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- I'VE HAD MANY OF THESE...
- ( gun fires )

( screams )

YOU'VE SHOT MR. HUMPHRIES!

SAY SOMETHING, MR. HUMPHRIES!

SAY SOMETHIN'!

ME PIPE'S GONE OUT.

MAKE IT A STRONG ONE, MAVIS,

WE'VE ALL HAD A NASTY SHOCK.

OH, I THOUGHT
MR. HUMPHRIES WAS A GONER.

GOOD JOB IT ONLY HIT
THAT BOTTLE OF GIN.

YES.

PITY IT WAS A FULL ONE.

WILL YOU TAKE THIS
IN WHEN IT'S DONE?

I MUST GO AND HELP
DAD IN THE FIELDS.

RIGHT. NOW WOULD YOU
LIKE ANOTHER BRANDY,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, I THINK FOUR IS ENOUGH.

I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD HAVE TOLD

THE POLICE TO COME
HERE, MR. RUMBOLD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
JUST HANDED THE GUN IN

AND TOLD THEM WE
FOUND IT. 'CAUSE WE DID.

WELL, I THINK HE
DID THE RIGHT THING.

THE POLICE ARE VERY SENSITIVE
ABOUT GUNS THESE DAYS.

THEY'LL WANT TO KNOW
HOW IT GOT INTO THE DRAWER.

SOME TERRORIST
MIGHT HAVE PUT IT THERE.

YES, AND AFTER ALL,

YOU-KNOW-WHO LIVES NEARBY.

NO. WHO?

WELL, YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHO,

BUT THOSE IN THE KNOW
WHO FOLLOW WHAT'S WHAT

AND WHO'S WHO WOULD KNOW WHO.

ARE WE SPEAKING
THE SAME LANGUAGE?

THERE ARE A LOT OF
BIG NOBS IN THIS COUNTY.

WITH ROYAL CONNECTIONS.

"I THINK ONE WILL GO AND
HAVE A GAME OF POLO..."

I DIDN'T KNOW HE LIVED
ROUND THESE PARTS.

JUST OVER THE HILL, DARLING.

- WHO'S OVER THE HILL?
- NOT YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
OUR ROYAL NEIGHBOR.

OH, WELL, HE MIGHT
BE GETTING ON A BIT,

BUT SHE'S CERTAINLY
NOT OVER THE HILL.

I THINK YOU'VE EXAGGERATED
THE IMPORTANCE

OF THE WHOLE THING, MR. RUMBOLD.

AFTER ALL, THIS IS A
SIMPLE COUNTRY HOUSE

NEAR A SIMPLE COUNTRY VILLAGE.

POLICEMAN PLOD WILL
BE ROUND ON HIS BICYCLE.

I EXPLAIN THAT I FOUND
THE PISTOL IN A DRAWER,

HE'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA,
THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.

THERE'S NO NEED TO
MENTION YOU FIRED IT.

- I QUITE AGREE.
- IF HE'S NOT HERE SOON,
I'M GOING INTO TOWN.

( siren wailing )

MY, MY. SOUNDS AS IF THEY'VE
MANAGED TO FIND A CAR.

THEY'VE FOUND A LOT OF CARS.

( police radio chatter )

THIS IS THE POLICE!

I REPEAT, THIS IS THE POLICE!

WE ARE ARMED, AND
YOU ARE SURROUNDED.

IT IS USELESS TO RESIST.

COME OUT WITH YOUR
HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU TELL THEM

ON THE TELEPHONE, MR. RUMBOLD?

I... I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER.

I THINK I SAID, "THIS
IS MILLSTONE MANOR.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAS A LOADED GUN..."

AND I WAS ABOUT TO SAY,

"WHICH HE FOUND IN A DRAWER OF
THE BUREAU," WHEN THEY HUNG UP.

Policeman: CAN YOU
HEAR ME, PEACOCK?

COME OUT WITH YOUR
HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD,

AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT!

( whimpers )

SHALL I OPEN THE
DOOR, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

THEY THINK YOU'RE A TERRORIST!

I THINK YOU'D BETTER
DO AS THEY SAY.

WHAT IF THEY HAVE A
SHOOT TO KILL POLICY?

I'LL TELL THEM THAT
THEY'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK WILL COME
OUT AND EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO SHOOT HIM.

HE'S JUST PUTTING HIS JACKET ON.

DON'T NO ONE MOVE!

SO MUCH FOR ENGLISH O LEVELS.

DAD?

DAD!

WHAT'S UP NOW?

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A
BIG BANG AT THE MANOR.

SMOKE'S COMIN'
OUT OF THE WINDOW.

AH, I EXPECT THAT'S
MR. HUMPHRIES WITH HIS PIPE.

HE DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL IT.

DAD.

THE DRIVE'S FULL OF POLICE CARS.

OH, WE'D BETTER GET BACK.

HANG ON TIGHT, I'M GONNA
GIVE THE TRACTOR SOME WELLIE.

( screams )

RIGHT. HANDS BEHIND YOUR
HEADS, SPREAD YOUR LEGS.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
HEAR THAT IN THE COUNTRY.

THAT MEANS YOU AT
THE END, YOU AS WELL.

THIS IS AS FAR APART AS THEY GO.

RIGHT, NONE OF YOU
MOVE TILL I TELL YOU.

WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

FRISK HIM.

- HE'S CLEAN.
- SIT HIM IN THIS CHAIR.

- COME ON.
- ( whimpers )

SO, YOU'D TAKEN THIS
LOT HOSTAGE, HAD YOU?

OH, CERTAINLY NOT.
THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.

OH, I SEE. YOU'RE ALL IN
IT TOGETHER, ARE YOU?

YOU'VE GOT QUITE THE
WRONG IDEA, INSPECTOR.

YOU SEE, WE'VE ALL
SERVED TOGETHER

FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS.

OH, DONE TIME,
HAVE YA? GOT FORM.

MAY I SAY SOMETHING?

FRISK HIM. HE'S GOT A
BULGE IN HIS POCKET.

THAT'S MY... MY PIPE! PLEASE!

- ( laughing )
- GET YOUR HANDS UP!

OH, GET OFF!

THEY'RE VERY
THOROUGH, AREN'T THEY?

- IT IS HIS PIPE, SIR.
- I SAID IT WAS,
DIDN'T I?

MISS BRAHMS, DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO FRISK US?

I'D LIKE TO SEE 'EM TRY.

TAKE A NOTE, COLIN.

ONE OF HIS MOLLS ADOPTED
A THREATENING ATTITUDE.

PERHAPS I MIGHT SAY SOMETHING.

I WAS THE ONE WHO
MADE THE PHONE CALL.

I KNOW. YOU SAID THERE WAS AN
ARMED MAN LOOSE IN THE HOTEL.

THAT'S NOT QUITE HOW I PUT IT.

I MERELY WANTED TO NOTIFY
YOU THAT CAPTAIN PEACOCK

HAD FOUND A GUN
IN AN UPSTAIRS DESK.

WE WISHED TO HAND
IT OVER TO THE POLICE.

- WELL, HERE IT IS.
- GUN, SIR!

SPREAD THEM LEGS, BUDDY,
AND NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
IT'D BE RATHER DIFFICULT.

- GET HIS GUN!
- OH, LET HIM HAVE IT,
MR. RUMBOLD.

( gun fires )

THAT'S THE SECOND BOTTLE OF GIN.

DAD! THEY'VE SHOT
MR. HUMPHRIES AGAIN!

AND THERE'S SMOKE EVERYWHERE!

FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

IT'S NOT A FIRE, YOU STUPID...

YOU STUPID...

I'LL GIVE YOU THE
STRAP. LOOK AT ALL THAT!

HURRY UP WITH THAT TEA, MAVIS.

THEY'VE ALL BEEN
CROSS-EXAMINED IN THE HALL.

I'M MAKING A STRONG
ONE FOR THE INSPECTOR.

YOU GIVE HIM A MOUTHFUL OF FOAM

AND IT DON'T TASTE VERY NICE.

I DON'T THINK

I'M VERY POPULAR AROUND HERE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

AND THERE WASN'T EVEN A FIRE.

MAYBE NOT.

BUT THAT INSPECTOR WERE PUT OUT.

NOW, LISTEN, YOU TWO,

I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY.

ME AND MY SERGEANT
ARE WITNESSES TO THE FACT

THAT YOU INCITED THIS
MAN TO ATTEMPTED MURDER!

BUT I DIDN'T. REALLY, I DIDN'T.

YOU HAD A NOTE OF
WHAT HE SAID, COLIN?

YES, SIR. HE SAID
LOUD AND CLEAR:

"LET HIM HAVE IT, MR. RUMBOLD."

LOOK, ALL HE MEANT
WAS GIVE HIM THE GUN.

ANYBODY WITH HALF
AN EYE COULD SEE

THAT MR. HUMPHRIES IS A VERY
MILD-MANNERED GENTLEMAN

WHO WOULDN'T INCITE
ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING.

NOT THAT, ANYWAY.

NEVERTHELESS HE
UTTERED THOSE VERY WORDS.

"LET HIM HAVE IT, MR. RUMBOLD."

WHEREUPON YOU POINTED
THE GUN IN MY DIRECTION

- AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOUR SERGEANT
PULLED THE TRIGGER,

- AS HE WAS TRYING
TO TAKE IT OFF ME.
- HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL TELL THE JURY

THAT WE TRIED TO FIT YOU UP?

IT WON'T WASH, MY SON,
YOU'RE IN IT UP TO HERE.

NOW, LET'S GET
BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

YOU ARE ASKING ME TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU FOUND THIS GUN,

IN A DRAWER, IN
THE WRITING ROOM?

- THAT IS CORRECT.
- I SUPPOSE YOU'LL
TELL ME

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS A RUSSIAN GUN?

DOES A NACKEROFF
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

I SHOULD THINK IT'D
MEAN QUITE A LOT.

JUST WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

DID YOU KNOW THAT
THIS MAKE OF GUN

WAS A FAVORITE WEAPON

OF THE RUSSIAN SECRET SERVICE?

I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE,
TO THE KAY-GAY-BAY.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

HE MEANS THE KGB.

AH! SO YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE?

IF I MAY SAY SO,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK THOUGHT
IT WAS SIMILAR TO A LUGER.

HE SAID SO BEFORE IT
WENT OFF THE FIRST TIME.

NOW WE'RE GETTING DOWN TO IT.

YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
FIRED THE SAID GUN

BEFORE WE ENTERED THE PREMISES.

BIT OF A QUARREL AMONGST
THE GANG, WAS THERE?

WE ARE NOT A GANG!

AS IT HAPPENS, WE ALL WORKED
IN THE SAME DEPARTMENT.

MR. RUMBOLD WAS
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD,

AND I WAS HIS SECOND IN
COMMAND, SO TO SPEAK.

I WAS ON THE COUNTER.

- ESPIONAGE?
- Y-FRONTS.

I SEE. A SECRET SALE SET UP

TO DESTABILIZE
DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENTS.

- OH, GOD.
- SECOND BULLET'S
OVER HERE, SIR,

- BEHIND THE BAR.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

IT WENT BETWEEN
MR. HUMPHRIES AND MYSELF

AND BROKE A BOTTLE OF GIN.

WHICH OF YOU WAS IT MEANT FOR?

- IF I MAY SAY SO...
- SHUT UP, YOU.

YOU'VE GOT A POSH ACCENT.
WERE YOU AT CAMBRIDGE?

I HAD A BRIEF SPELL AT
THE HABERDASHER'S THERE.

HABERDASHERS. YEAH.

THAT'S ONE OF THEM
PUBLIC SCHOOLS, ISN'T IT?

DOES THE NAME BLUNT
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

OR BURGESS OR MACLEAN?

THEY WERE A PRETTY
PECULIAR BUNCH.

VERY PECULIAR.

YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE
THE CAMBRIDGE TYPE.

WERE YOU THERE AS WELL?

- WERE YOU TURNED?
- NOT AT CAMBRIDGE.

WELL, WHO'S FOR TEA?

YOU COULD DO
WITH IT, ALL OF YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO MR. HUMPHRIES?

YOU GET OFF OF HIM!

- ARE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND?
- CERTAINLY NOT.

- WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
- WOULD COMRADES BE
NEARER TO THE MARK?

YOU CAN CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE,

BUT HE'S A PERFECT GENTLEMAN

AND WOULDN'T DO
NOTHING TO NOBODY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT DOES
FOR MY REPUTATION, BUT THANK YOU.

DON'T LET THAT TEA GET COLD.

THAT'S THE PRINTOUT OF
THE BACKGROUNDS THERE.

GOOD, THIS IS A LIFE HISTORY
OF ALL OF YOU FROM DAY ONE.

ALL EXCEPT MRS. SLOCOMBE, SIR.

THE RECORDS DON'T
GO BACK THAT FAR.

WELL, THERE DON'T APPEAR TO BE

ANY POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS HERE.

YOU ALL APPEAR TO BE
WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE.

WHAT BORING LIVES YOU'VE
ALL LED... EXCEPT YOU.

RIGHT. THAT LEAVES US

WITH TWO STRAIGHTFORWARD
CASES OF ATTEMPTED MURDER,

AND ONE NASTY CASE

OF INCITEMENT TO
KILL A POLICEMAN.

UH, UH, COULD I HAVE
A WORD IN PRIVATE, SIR?

UH, ALL RIGHT. STEP
OUTSIDE INTO THE LOBBY.

COLIN? NONE OF YOU MOVE.

I FEEL LIKE A WET RAG.

FANCY TRYING TO LIKEN ME

WITH BLUNT, AND
BURGESS, AND MACLEAN.

WELL, IN MY OPINION, HE'S
OVERSTEPPED HIS AUTHORITY

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

THE POLICE ARE A FUNNY LOT.
REMEMBER HOW THEY ROUGHED YOU UP

WHEN YOU WOULDN'T GET OUT OF
THAT DODGEM CAR IN BLACKPOOL?

I WAS IMMOBILIZED
HALFWAY THROUGH THE RIDE

WITH A STUCK PEDAL.

I SAID I WASN'T GOING
TO PAY, AND I DIDN'T.

NO, BUT YOU PAID THE MAGISTRATE,

DIDN'T YOU?

40 SHILLINGS, WASN'T IT?

OH, YES, BUT THAT WAS FOR

HITTING THE POLICEMAN
WITH MY HANDBAG.

WELL, WE'D BETTER
NOT MENTION THAT.

IT'S HERE, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, AND THE SOHO AFFAIR

WHEN YOU KNOCKED THE POLICEMAN'S
HELMET OFF. THAT WAS A HANDBAG AS WELL.

DOES IT SAY IN THERE ABOUT
HOW YOU THREW YOURSELF

ONTO THE KING'S HORSE
WITH MRS. PANKHURST?

DON'T BE CHEEKY, MISS BRAHMS.

THOSE WERE MINOR
OFFENSES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

THEY'RE TRYING TO CHARGE
ME WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER!

I'VE NEVER EVEN
HAD A PARKING TICKET.

OH NO?

WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE
THE SAME "KNUCKLES" RUMBOLD...

LEADER OF A ROLLER SKATING GANG,

SUSPECTED OF STEALING
TWO GRAPEFRUIT

AND A COX'S ORANGE PIPPIN

FROM RUMFORD
HIGH STREET IN 1947?

GOOD HEAVENS, IS THAT THERE?

AND IT SEEMS

THAT THE NORTH
ACTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

IS STILL AWAITING THE
RETURN OF LOLITA, FANNY HILL,

AND FLY FISHING BY J.R. HARTLEY.

THAT'S WHERE IT WENT.

THERE'S NO PRIVACY IN
ONE'S LIFE AT ALL, IS THERE?

I'M SURPRISED THAT
THERE'S NO MENTION

OF MR. HUMPHRIES.

OH, BUT THERE IS. PAGES OF IT.

STARTING FROM THE DAY THAT
HE WAS FOUND ON THE DOORSTEP.

AN ABANDONED BABY?

I WASN'T ABANDONED.

MY MOTHER PUT ME
OUT INSTEAD OF THE CAT.

SHE WAS GOING THROUGH VERY
EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AT THE TIME.

ANYWAY, NEXT
DOOR'S ALSATIAN CAME

AND CARRIED ME OFF AND LOOKED
AFTER ME FOR A DAY OR TWO.

THEN I CRAWLED BACK.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE DOG
BISCUITS HE WAS GIVING ME.

RIGHT, YOU'LL BE PLEASED
TO HEAR, MR. RUMBOLD,

THAT THERE SEEMS TO BE ROOM

FOR REASONABLE
DOUBT ABOUT YOUR CASE.

APPARENTLY, THE SERGEANT
MIGHT HAVE HAD HIS FINGER

IN THE TRIGGER GUARD

NEAR THE TIME WHEN THE
WEAPON WAS DISCHARGED.

SO WE WON'T PROCEED
WITH THAT MATTER.

- WHAT A RELIEF.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU CAN HARDLY CHARGE HIM

WITH INCITING A CRIME
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

YOU COULD'VE DONE.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

THESE DAYS, YOU
CAN'T RELY ON A JURY

TO COME TO A
SENSIBLE CONCLUSION.

CAN WE CONSIDER THE
WHOLE MATTER CLOSED?

NO, WE CANNOT. A
GUN WAS PRODUCED,

THE SHOT WAS FIRED BEFORE
WE ENTERED THE PREMISES.

WE STILL HAVE THE POSSIBILITY

OF ATTEMPTED
MURDER ON OUR HANDS.

THERE'S ONE THING YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN, INSPECTOR,

ONE SMALL DETAIL THAT
YOU'VE OVERLOOKED.

A DETAIL WITHOUT WHICH

YOUR CASE WILL COLLAPSE

IN DUST ABOUT YOUR FEET.

AND WHAT IS THAT, MISS MARPLES?

NO MOTIVE.

WELL, FOR INSTANCE,
THERE IS SUCH A THING

AS A CRIME OF PASSION.

CRIME OF PASSION?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW

THAT BULLET NARROWLY MISSED ME.

ANYTHING BETWEEN YOU TWO
THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

Both: CERTAINLY NOT!

IT ALSO, SIR, JUST
MISSED THAT LADY

WHO'S RECLINING ON
THE SOFA OVER THERE.

"MISS LOVECOCK."

LOVELOCK.

YOUR WRITING, COLIN.

I HAVE NO REASON TO
SHOOT MISS LOVELOCK.

IN FACT, WE GET ON
EXTREMELY WELL TOGETHER.

MAYBE HER AND MR. HUMPHRIES
GOT ON EXTREMELY WELL TOGETHER,

AND YOU WANTED TO GET
RID OF A YOUNGER RIVAL.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT ALL
THAT MUCH YOUNGER.

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE ALWAYS
HAD A VERY GOOD SKIN.

HE'S NOT AFTER MISS LOVELOCK.

HE'S TOO BUSY BUNKING UP

WITH MAVIS MOULTERD.

I'VE TOLD YOU ALL BEFORE,
IT'S PERFECTLY INNOCENT.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE
SLEEPING WITH HER FATHER

BECAUSE OF THE FARMYARD NOISES.

AND SHE USED TO
SLEEP WITH THE CHEF,

AND I TOOK OVER
WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

WHERE DID HE LEAVE OFF?

I DON'T KNOW. HE'D GONE
BY THE TIME I ARRIVED.

PERHAPS I COULD EXPLAIN
ONE OR TWO POINTS.

THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON

BETWEEN CAPTAIN
PEACOCK AND MISS LOVELOCK.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN
SLEEP IN THE HOUSE,

SHE SLEEPS IN THE
GROOM'S QUARTERS.

I'VE GOT AN ARAB THERE.

ANYWAY, WE WOULD KNOW

IF HE GOT UP TO
ANYTHING IN THE NIGHT,

'CAUSE ME AND MRS.
SLOCOMBE SLEEP NEXT TO HIM.

- WHAT, THE ARAB?
- NO.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- HE'S A STALLION.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, THE ARAB.

IT'S AN 'ORSE!

A NORWEGIAN?

FROM IRELAND, ACTUALLY.

LET ME SEE IF I'VE
GOT THIS RIGHT:

MR. HUMPHRIES IS SLEEPING

WITH THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER,

MISS LOVELOCK
SLEEPS WITH THE GROOM

AND AN IRISH ARAB,

AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK SLEEPS

WITH MRS. SLOCOMBE AND
MISS BRAHMS. IS THAT RIGHT?

IT'LL DO FOR NOW.

I THINK, SIR, THAT, UH,

YOU'RE GETTING INTO
RATHER DEEP WATER HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF
ANYONE'S INTERESTED,

BUT I GOT A NICE,
BIG BUN IN THE OVEN.

GET IN THE CAR, COLIN.

NEXT TIME YOU LOT
FIND A GUN IN A DRAWER,

DON'T CALL THE
POLICE, CALL THE ARMY.

AND TELL 'EM TO BRING A
SOCIAL WORKER AND A PRIEST!

I THINK THAT WENT
OFF WELL, DON'T YOU?

IS HE GONE?

YES, HE WAS VERY CONFUSED.

DRAT! I'VE BEEN KEEPING THIS
BLUNDERBUSS UNDER ME BED.

OH, DAD, YOU STILL
GOT THAT OLD THING?

USED TO BELONG TO GRAMPAR.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS
I'D BETTER HAND IT IN.

OH, QUICK THEN, YOU
MIGHT JUST CATCH HIM.

OOH, AH, OOH, AH!

( gunshot )

- IT WERE LOADED!
- Inspector: THIS IS
THE POLICE!

THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED,

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

I THINK WE'LL LEAVE YOU TO DEAL
WITH THIS ONE, MR. MOULTERD.

( theme music playing )