Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( telephone ringing )

ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. KRETZMAN.

IT'S MR. KRETZMAN IN NUMBER SIX.

YOU'D LIKE BREAKFAST
IN BED FOR TWO.

GOOD. COFFEE... MM-HMM...

AND FRIED EGGS.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
THEM, RUNNY OR CONGEALED?

OOH, OVER EASY.

THAT'S SOUNDS NICE.



AND WHAT ABOUT MRS. KRETZMAN?

SHE'D LIKE A HARD ONE.

YES, SIR.

TOAST AND MARMALADE? RIGHT.

THE WAITRESS WILL BE
UP WITH 'EM IN A TRICE.

IT'S NO GOOD YOU PUTTING
MORE OF THEM UP THERE,

I'VE GOT NUMBER EIGHT'S
OMELET TO DO YET.

( telephone ringing )

ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.

OH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. BAEDECKER.

YOU GOT LITTLE BITS
IN YOUR TEA POT?

THOSE ARE TEA LEAVES,
MRS. BAEDECKER.

WE LIKE TO DO IT IN
THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.

OH, YOU DO TOO?



GOOD.

IF YOU LOOK ON
YOUR TRAY, YOU'LL SEE

A BIG SPOON WITH HOLES IN IT.

SHE'S USED IT FOR THE JAM.

I'M AFRAID ALL YOU CAN DO NOW

IS SUCK IT THROUGH
CLENCHED TEETH.

YES, I WOULD HAVE A NICE DAY,

BUT I'VE GOT OTHER THINGS TO DO.

OH, THOSE STAIRS ARE KILLING ME.

MISS BRAHMS, YOU'LL HAVE
TO TAKE THE NEXT LOT UP.

WHY DON'T YOU USE THE LIFT?

BECAUSE IT'S STUCK...

WITH MR. EMBURG IN IT.

HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO
THE FIRST FLOOR BATHROOM

AND IS IN GREAT DISTRESS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS
WINCHING HIM DOWN BY HAND.

OH! YOUR TOAST IS
BURNING, MR. HUMPHRIES!

OH, THE TIMER'S STUCK!

OH, MISS BRAHMS.

THAT'S NO WAY TO COOK AN OMELET.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOK,

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE BARMAID.

WE'RE ALL TRYING
TO MUCK IN TOGETHER.

WHAT SHALL I DO WITH IT?

SAVE IT FOR LUNCH AND
CALL IT YORKSHIRE PUDDING.

LOOK, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD POSSIBLY

TAKE THIS TRAY UP
TO MR. WEBSTER?

OH, NO. NOT HIM AGAIN.

WHEN I TOOK HIS
EARLY MORNING TEA UP,

HE ASKED ME IF I'D
LIKE TO SEE A PICTURE

OF HIS 20,000 ACRE CATTLE RANCH.

THE NEXT THING I KNEW,
HE HAD LASSOED ME

WITH HIS DRESSING GOWN CORD,

AND THERE WAS HANDS ALL OVER.

EW. SO I SAID, "TAKE THEM OFF!"

AND OF COURSE, HE MISUNDERSTOOD.

I WAS LUCKY TO GET
OUT OF THERE AT ALL.

PERHAPS I WILL
JUST TAKE THIS UP.

( telephone rings )

ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. CONKLIN.

YOU'D LIKE A COLD BATH?

OH, YOU'RE IN A COLD BATH!

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A RUN
ON HOT WATER THIS MORNING.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY TONIGHT.

NO, THAT WON'T BE
MUCH GOOD TO YOU

AT GATWICK, WILL IT?

I SUGGEST YOU HAVE A VIGOROUS
RUBDOWN WITH A ROUGH TOWEL.

WELL, I'M RATHER BUSY AT
THE MOMENT, MR. CONKLIN,

OR I'D LOVE TO OBLIGE.

THEY ALL WANT THE
HERALD TRIBUNE,

AND WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE COPY.

GIVE THEM A PAGE EACH
AND TELL THEM SWAP OVER

WHEN YOU BANG THE GONG.

I'VE RELEASED THE
ELDERLY MR. EMBURG.

IT WAS VERY HARD WORK.

WERE YOU IN TIME?

VERY NEARLY.

YOU'LL FIND IT ON
THE FIRST FLOOR.

EVERYTHING SEEMS TO
BE GOING QUITE WELL.

THEY SEEMED TO ENJOY
THEMSELVES, DIDN'T THEY?

THOUGHT THEY'D NEVER GO TO BED.

OH, I WAS DEAD BEAT.

THANKS FOR TAKING
OVER THE BAR FOR ME.

I NEARLY DIDN'T,
WHEN I KNEW HOW LONG

THEY WERE GONNA STAY UP.

I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO CLOSE

AS SOON AS MR. CONKLIN
LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME

AND SANG "IT'S A
QUARTER TO 3:00,

AND THERE'S NO ONE IN THE PLACE

EXCEPT YOU AND ME."

THERE WAS ABOUT TEN OF THEM

SAT UP TILL WELL
AFTER 2:00, GASSING.

YES, THE VEGETARIAN
DISHES WENT DOWN VERY WELL.

DID ANYONE GET ANY TIPS?

SPEAKING FOR
MYSELF, NOT A SAUSAGE.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE BIG SPENDERS.

AS FAR AS I CAN GATHER,

MOST OF THEM HAVE
GOT $1,000 AND ONE LUNG,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO SAVE BOTH.

LOOK AT THIS. I'M OUT OF MILK,

AND I'VE STILL GOT EIGHT
MORE TRAYS TO GO UP.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,

SEE IF YOU CAN GET MR. MOULTERD

TO PRODUCE ANOTHER JUGFUL.

AND I'M ALMOST OUT
OF EGGS AND ALL.

( telephone rings )

OH, DEAR.

ROOM SERVICE,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MANAGER, SPEAKING.

YES, MR. CONKLIN?

I'M AFRAID WILBERFORCE
IS OTHERWISE ENGAGED.

IF IT GETS ANY WORSE,
PUT A COLD POULTICE ON IT.

GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

GOOD MORNING, MISS LOVELOCK.

YOU'RE UP WITH THE LARK.

I WENT TO BED EARLY.

I COULDN'T STAND
POLITE CONVERSATION

WITH A GROUP OF
AMERICAN OCTOGENARIANS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MR. MOULTERD?

HE'S GONE TO COLLECT THE SOW.

SHE'S BEEN ON HER HONEYMOON

WITH THE BOAR AT IVY FARM.

WE'VE RUN OUT OF MILK.

THERE'S A GOOD COUPLE
OF GALLONS THERE.

THAT'S STILL IN THE COW.

SHE GETS ALONG WITH EVERYONE.

I'M SURE SHE'LL
LET YOU HAVE SOME

IF YOU ASK HER NICELY.

GOOD MORNING, BETSY.

REMEMBER ME?

JUST COME FOR A JUGFUL,

IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT.

I'M ONLY A BEGINNER,

BUT I'VE GOT A
VERY GENTLE TOUCH.

NOW THEN...

WHICH ONE DO I PULL FOR TODAY?

( moos twice )

NUMBER TWO? THANK YOU.

( moos )

OH, SORRY! YES, I KNOW,

I'VE GOT COLD HANDS.

NOW TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

( inhaling )

RIGHT!

GOING IN... CONTACT.

BETSY, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN RUNNING ON EMPTY?

MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING?

WE'VE RUN OUT OF MILK,

AND BY THE LOOK
OF IT, SO HAS BETSY.

I EXPECT SHE CAN TELL
YOU'RE A BIT OF A NOVICE.

SO FAR MY EXPERIENCES
HAVE BEEN CONFINED

TO THE EXPRESS
DAIRIES ON THE CORNER.

HERE, YOU HAVE A GO.

NO, YOU'VE GOT TO
LEARN SOMETIME.

YOU NEED A BUCKET.

THANK YOU.

NOW PUT YOUR HEAD
AGAINST HER SIDE.

SHE LIKES TO THINK
YOU'RE ONE OF HER CALVES.

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
MOMMY, IT'S ONLY ME.

( gurgling )

THERE'S A LOT OF
WIND GOING ON IN HERE.

COWS ARE VEGETARIANS.

THEY DO SAY

THAT THE METHANE GASES
PRODUCED BY ANIMALS

IS CAUSING THE
GREENHOUSE EFFECT.

OH, SHE'S GOING TO PUNCTURE

A VERY BIG HOLE IN
THE OZONE ANY MINUTE.

GO ON. HAVE A GO.

IT'S A BIT LIKE
PLAYING THE PIANO.

CHAS AND DAVE, OR
RICHARD CLAYDERMAN?

HERE WE GO.

( squirting )

OH, I SAY! HO HO!

IT'S WORKING!

IT'S ALL HAPPENING!

♪ THE BELLS OF SAINT MARY'S... ♪

LET ME KNOW WHEN
I'VE GOT A JUGFUL.

OH, NO.

ONCE YOU'VE STARTED,
YOU CAN'T STOP.

I'LL COME BACK FOR
YOU IN 10 MINUTES.

10 MINUTES?

AND NOW, THE OVERTURE

TO BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY.

♪ BA-BA-BA-BMMM ♪

♪ BA-BA-BA-BMMM ♪

( mooing )

JUST LEAVE THEM TO ME, MADAM.

I'LL MAKE THE
NECESSARY INQUIRIES

AND LET YOU KNOW.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. EMBURG,

MR. KRETZMAN.

NOW, IF ANYONE FANCIES
A MORNING GALLOP,

WE HAVE HORSES IN THE STABLES.

IF ANYONE FANCIES JUST
LOOKING AT THE HORSES,

WE CAN MANAGE THAT AS WELL.

AH, MRS. EMBURG,

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE
QUICKER THAN THAT.

YOU SIT YOURSELF
DOWN, MR. HUMPHRIES,

AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA.

DO YOU KNOW HE GOT TWO GALLONS

OUT OF BETSY THIS MORNING?

IT WAS VERY HARD WORK.

I BROKE THE SPRING ON ME
SELF-WINDING WRISTWATCH.

HE COULD BE A REAL FARMER'S BOY

IF HE SO MINDED.

MRS. EMBURG HAS YET TO MASTER

THE MECHANICS OF THE LIFT.

I CAN'T SEE THAT LOT SURVIVING

SIX COUNTRIES IN 12 DAYS.

WHEN THEY DID THE NILE TOUR,

TWO OF THEM WERE BURIED

IN THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS.

I WONDER WHY THEY DON'T HAVE

A VALLEY OF THE QUEENS?

THEY PROBABLY DO,

THEY JUST HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET.

YOU KNOW,

THEY USED TO BURY
IMPORTANT PEOPLE

WITH THE TREASURED POSSESSIONS

THEY WOULD NEED
IN THE NEXT WORLD.

I BET THEY BURIED THEM TWO

WITH THEIR AMERICAN
EXPRESS CARDS.

THERE'S THAT MOUSE AGAIN!

Mavis: THAT ONE'S THE MOTHER.

SHE HAD QUADRUPLETS LAST WEEK.

CHEEKY THINGS.

I THINK WE SHOULD
CEMENT UP THE HOLE.

PITY YOU THREW THAT
OMELET AWAY, MISS BRAHMS.

THAT'S NOT VERY
NICE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO
MUCK IN TO HELP MAKE UP

OUR PENSION GO ROUND.

AND YOU'RE DOING
VERY WELL, MISS BRAHMS.

LET'S LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

WHEN THE GUESTS AREN'T HERE,

WE DO HAVE THE RUN OF THE PLACE.

WITH THE MICE.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE ALL
HAVE TO TAKE POSITIONS

OUTSIDE OUR NORMAL EXPERIENCE

FOR THE GOOD OF THE WHOLE.

Mrs. Slocombe: THERE'S
THAT MOUSE AGAIN!

Peacock: MISSED.

MORNING, ALL.

MORNING, MR. MOULTERD.

SORRY TO BARGE IN

WHILE YOU'VE GOT YOUR
SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR
CAT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

DON'T TELL ME SHE'S DISAPPEARED

DOWN THE IVY AGAIN,

THE MISCHIEVOUS LITTLE THING.

HER SHE IS.

OH, TIDDLES, HAVE
YOU BEEN FOR A WALK

IN THE PRETTY FLOWER GARDEN?

NO.

THAT ONE-EYED GINGER TOM

WAS KNOCKING SEVEN
BELLS OUT OF HER.

OH, TIDDLES,

COULDN'T YOU HAVE RUN AWAY?

"RUN AWAY"?

SHE CHASED HIM 100 YARDS

AFORE SHE CORNERED
HIM IN THE RHUBARB.

I'D BETTER PUT
HER IN HER BASKET.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER PUT HER
ON THE PILL, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHEN ARE THEM YANKS LEAVING?

THIS EVENING, MR. MOULTERD.

THAT MR. CONKLIN'S
A GOER, AIN'T HE?

I'M JUST GOING ROUND
TO LOCK UP THE SHEEP.

GOOD MORNING, MR. FROBISHER.

GOOD MORNING.

IT ALL SEEMS TO BE
GOING WELL SO FAR.

THEY SEEM HAPPY ENOUGH IN THERE.

HERE'S YOUR CHECK

FOR THE FIRST HALF OF THE MONEY.

YOU'LL GET THE SECOND HALF

WHEN THE TOUR LEADER
SIGNS THE SATISFACTION FORM.

- WHO IS THE TOUR LEADER?
- MR. CONKLIN.

HERE'S A LEAFLET OUTLINING
THE REST OF THE DAY'S FESTIVITIES.

I'VE GIVEN COPIES TO THE GUESTS.

THERE'S NOTHING NEW.
JUST THE USUAL EVENTS

YOU'VE COME TO EXPECT, YOU KNOW,

THE CHURCH SERVICE
IN THE CHAPEL,

AND THE HARVEST
THANKSGIVING DANCE.

I'M SURE IT WILL GO
WITH A SWING. GOODBYE.

"THE HARVEST
THANKSGIVING DANCE"?

"CHURCH SERVICE"?

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

"SUNDAY MORNING
AT MILLSTONE MANOR.

GUESTS WILL ATTEND MATINS

IN THE HISTORIC NORMAN CHAPEL

IN THE ORNAMENTAL GROUNDS.

IT WAS IN THIS CHAPEL
THAT HUBERT THE UNREADY

WAS BURIED WITH HIS
CHILD BRIDE, GWENDOLINE.

AT 4:00, GUESTS WILL BE
SERVED TEA IN THE GARDEN,

DURING WHICH THEY
WILL BE ABLE TO OBSERVE

THE TRADITIONAL HARVEST
THANKSGIVING DANCE,

WHICH HAS BEEN
PERFORMED ON THIS SITE

FOR 200 YEARS."

WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT
A CHURCH SERVICE?

NOBODY MENTIONED ANY
CHURCH SERVICE TO ME.

SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT BOOKED THE TOUR,

ONE MIGHT HAVE
EXPECTED YOU TO GLANCE

AT THE SMALL PRINT.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD WORRY.

THE LOCAL VICAR
WILL SORT IT ALL OUT.

OH, HE COULDN'T DO IT THIS WEEK.

HE'S DOING THREE
SERVICES ALREADY.

THERE'S ONE AT GREAT TENDER

AND ANOTHER AT LOWER TENDER.

WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD?

HE'S GOT TENDER
BOTTOM TO COPE WITH.

HE'S GOT HIS HANDS FULL, HAS HE?

I DON'T THINK A SIMPLE
COUNTRY SERVICE

SHOULD GIVE US TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE
THANKSGIVING DANCE?

I EXPECT MISS MOULTERD KNOWS

WHERE THE DANCERS
ARE TO BE LOCATED.

THEY ALL DIED YEARS AGO.

THERE'S ONLY ME AND DAD LEFT.

LISTEN...

THE LAST TIME WE
HAD AMERICANS HERE

THE HOTEL STAFF MADE IT UP,

AND NO ONE WAS ANY THE WISER.

WELL, IF WE WANT THE
SECOND HALF OF THIS,

WE BETTER COME
UP WITH SOMETHING.

OH, YES. WE ALL WANT MR. CONKLIN

TO BE SATISFIED.

WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME!

IT'S EVER SO OLD, ISN'T IT?

OH! THE ORGAN'S OVER HERE, HAH!

I'LL GIVE IT A TRY IF
SOMEONE'LL PUMP.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, COULD YOU OBLIGE?

OH! HO HO HO.

THIS TAKES ME BACK TO
WHEN I WAS A LAND GIRL.

THE VILLAGE SMITHY HAD
AN OLD FASHIONED BELLOWS.

WE GIRLS USED
TO TAKE IT IN TURNS

TO GIVE HIM A BLOW TO
KEEP HIS FURNACE WARM.

IT WAS WAR WORK IN ITS OWN WAY.

( weak note plays )

I THINK WE GOT
TEETHING TROUBLES.

( playing weak notes )

SOUNDS A LITTLE
MORE FUNDAMENTAL.

GIVE IT TIME.

IT'LL WORK ITS WAY THROUGH.

IT'S COMING.

( playing Happy
Days Are Here Again )

I'M SORRY.

IT JUST CAME OVER ME.

THIS MUST BE THE ONE.

"GWENDOLINE, AGED 21"

AND "HUBERT THE
UNREADY, AGED 92."

IF HE WASN'T READY BY THAT TIME

HE NEVER WOULD BE.

THIS A LOVELY LITTLE CHURCH.

YOU COULD HAVE A
SMASHING WEDDING IN HERE.

DO YOU MEAN ME PERSONALLY,

OR PEOPLE IN GENERAL?

WELL, THAT MAVIS,

SHE HAS GOT HER EYE ON YOU.

SHE GAVE ME A VERY FUNNY
LOOK IN BED LAST NIGHT.

OOH.

DOES ANYTHING, YOU
KNOW, UH... GO ON?

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

COME ON, YOU CAN TELL ME.

YOU KNOW... TCH! MISS BRAHMS!

WOULD YOU LIKE THE ANSWER

AS A GENTLEMAN OR AS A CAD?

AS A GENTLEMAN, OF COURSE.

WELL, AS A GENTLEMAN... NOTHING.

AS A CAD, DITTO.

TCH.

DOESN'T SHE MAKE ANY, UH...

DEMANDS ON YOU?

SHE IS A BIT SELFISH WITH
THE HOT WATER BOTTLE.

TCH. DON'T YOU, UH...

MAKE ANY DEMANDS ON HER?

DEFINITELY NOT.

WE'RE PALS.

TCH! OHH...

BETWEEN YOU AND
ME, MR. HUMPHRIES...

THERE'S THOUSANDS
OF WOMEN LOOKING

FOR A MAN LIKE YOU.

MISS BRAHMS, DO ME A FAVOR.

DON'T TELL 'EM WHERE I LIVE.

THE GOOD BOOK'S OPEN AT A
RATHER APPROPRIATE PLACE.

"IT IS MORE BLESSED TO
GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE."

AN EARFUL OF THAT MIGHT
ENCOURAGE THE TIPS.

I COULD PLAY PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET
SOMEBODY ELSE TO PUMP.

I'VE DONE ME BACK IN.

MIND YOU...

I DID THE SAME AT
THE BLACKSMITH'S.

WELL... WE GOT THE ORGAN,

THE HYMN BOOKS, THE PEWS...

AND WE'RE STEEPED IN
OLD COUNTRY ATMOSPHERE.

ALL WE'RE SHORT OF IS
AN OLD COUNTRY VICAR.

( organ playing )

HELLO.

( flatulent sounds )

( organ music ends )

( gasping )

( begins Oft in
Danger, Oft in Woe )

♪ OFT IN DANGER ♪

♪ OFT IN WOE ♪

♪ ONWARD, CHRISTIANS ♪

♪ ONWARD GO ♪

♪ BEAR THE TOIL ♪

♪ MAINTAIN THE STRIFE ♪

♪ STRENGTHENED WITH
THE BREAD OF LIFE... ♪

HOW DO?

♪ ONWARD, CHRISTIANS,
ONWARD GO... ♪

HOW DO?

♪ JOIN THE WAR... ♪

THERE'S A LOT OF FOOD LEFT OVER.

DIDN'T THEY LIKE IT?

HALF OF THEM CAN'T CHEW.

THE YORKSHIRE PUDDING
IS PRACTICALLY INTACT.

PUT IT IN THE BUCKET.

THE APPLE CRUMBLE WENT WELL.

AT LEAST THEY CAN
SUCK THE APPLE OUT OF IT.

ANY TIPS?

NOTHING!

ANYTHING FOR ME?

OH, YES, DAD. HERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

HE'S PAID QUITE WELL.

SURELY HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO LIVE ON SCRAPS?

HE FEEDS THEM TO THE ANIMALS.

HOW DID THEY LIKE MY SERMON?

IT WENT DOWN VERY WELL.

THEY WERE FAST
ASLEEP IN THREE MINUTES.

MIND YOU, MR. CONKLIN
STIRRED A LITTLE

WHEN YOU MENTIONED
SODOM AND GOMORRAH.

WELL, LIKE YOU TOLD ME,

I DONE THAT BIT
ABOUT IT BEING BETTER

TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.

WHAT PROFITETH A MAN

THAT HE LIVETH IN
A HOUSE OF GOLD,

IF HE CRYETH AT NIGHT
ON HIS PILLOW OF SILK

'CAUSE HIS BED BE EMPTY

AND HE HAVETH NO FRIEND?

WHYETH NOT?

'CAUSE HE DON'T COME
ACROSS WITH THE TIPS!

VERY SUBTLY PUT.

WHERE'S THE MONEY YOU GOT

WHEN YOU PASSED ROUND
FOR THE COLLECTION?

CHURCH DON'T WORK
FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW?

YOU ASK THE POPE.

WE ALL THINK YOU OUGHT
TO CHUCK IT IN THE KITTY.

YES. A SHARE OF
THAT SHOULD BE OURS.

YOU WILL ALL FEEL BETTER

GIVING THAN RECEIVING.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
CAREFUL ABOUT HIS MONEY.

SO WE'VE NOTICED.

QUITE A FEW LADIES
IN THE VILLAGE

WOULD LIKE TO GET THEIR HANDS

ON WHAT HE'S GOT TUCKED AWAY.

TAKES ALL SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD.

HE LIKES YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

HE'S GOT AN OLD STUFFED PIKE

IN A GLASS CASE

WHAT HE CAUGHT IN THE
GRAVEL PIT THE DAY HE MET YOU.

SAYS HE THINKS OF YOU

EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT IT.

THERE'S A ROMANTIC
THOUGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

HE'S THINKING OF
HAVING IT RESTUFFED.

HE NEEDN'T BOTHER ON MY ACCOUNT.

QUICK! QUICK!

IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

IT'S MR. EMBURG.

LAST I SAW HIM,
HE'D FALLEN ASLEEP

IN HIS APPLE CRUMBLE.

WELL, HE WOKE UP.
HIS TOP SET'S MISSING.

MRS. EMBURG RECKONS

THEY'RE STUCK IN ONE
OF THEM BREAD ROLLS.

GOOD HEAVENS! THE SCRAPS!

DAD TOOK THEM FOR THE GOAT.

IT EATS ANYTHING!

QUICK! WE GOT SAVE
THE EMBURG TEETH!

MR. MOULTERD, WHERE
ARE THE SCRAPS?

I'VE JUST EMPTIED
THEM IN THE TROUGH

FOR THE BILLY GOAT.

MR. MOULTERD,

MR. EMBURG'S LOST HIS UPPER SET.

HE THINKS THEY'RE STILL
BITING A BREAD ROLL.

IF YOU COULD PERSUADE THE
GOAT TO TAKE A SHORT BREAK,

WE'LL SEE IF WE
CAN RECOVER THEM.

HEY, GET BACK! GET BACK!

NOT WHEN HE'S EATING!

COULDN'T YOU PULL
HIM OFF WITH HIS CHAIN?

NOT WHEN HE'S EATING!

HE'S A DEVIL WHEN HE'S EATING.

HE'LL HAVE ME WITH
THEM HORNS OF HIS.

IF HE'S SWALLOWED THEM,
WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO SEE THEM

UNTIL THEY'VE LEFT FOR GATWICK.

HE'S OFFERED 10% OF THEIR VALUE

AS A REWARD.

OLD TEETH AIN'T WORTH MUCH.

THESE WERE MADE BY A
TOP NEW YORK DENTIST.

THEY COST OVER $10,000.

WELL, I'LL GO AND GET ME GUN,

AND YOU LOT HOLD
HIM BY HIS CHAIN.

YOU CAN'T SHOOT THE GOAT

JUST BECAUSE OF
MR. EMBURG'S DENTURES.

ALL OF YOU GO OVER THERE

AND ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION.

I'LL NIP IN, GRAB THE TROUGH,

AND RUN AWAY.

IT'S THAT MILITARY
TRAINING AGAIN.

HOW WOULD IT BE IF
WE ALL MADE A NOISE

LIKE A NANNY GOAT?

OH, YES. HOW DO THEY
GO, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

YOU WERE A LAND GIRL.

( bleating )

THAT'S VERY GOOD. HIS
EARS HAVE TWITCHED.

I'LL GO AND GET ME GUN.

NO, MR. MOULTERD!
IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES

WILL YOU GET THE GUN.

( all bleating )

THAT'S GOOD. KEEP IT UP.

GO AWAY!

GO AWAY!

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!

GET THE GUN!

( chattering )

SHH! SHH! SHH!

THEY'RE ALL ASLEEP
IN THE LOUNGE.

MR. EMBURG'S GOT
HIS TEETH BACK IN,

AND HE'S SMILING WITH THEM.

ANY ILL EFFECTS?

WELL, HIS BREATH
SMELLS FAINTLY OF MILTON.

HE SAYS THEY DON'T FIT SO WELL.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THAT GOAT USED THEM

ON HIS FIRST COURSE.

DID HE SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE REWARD MONEY?

HE SEEMS TO HAVE
HAD A MEMORY BYPASS

ON THAT SUBJECT.

OH, COME ON, YOU LOTS.

IT'S NO GOOD YOU
MESSING AROUND HERE.

WE'VE THAT DANCE TO THINK ABOUT.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THE TABLE
AND CHAIRS OUT ON THE LAWN.

AND WE'VE GOT TO SET THE TEA.

I WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST THAT.

OOH!

ARE YOU NOT RATHER
EXCEEDING YOUR AUTHORITY

AS A BELL BOY, MR. RUMBOLD?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

THE FACT THAT I AM
WEARING THIS UNIFORM

HAS NO EFFECT ON MY AUTHORITY!

IT'S DIFFICULT TO
TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY

WEARING THAT SILLY HAT.

Mr. Humphries: LET'S PUT
THIS ONE UNDER THAT TREE.

Mavis: THAT'S NO
GOOD, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT'S FULL OF PIGEONS,

AND THESE TEACLOTHES ARE
JUST BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY.

OH, CAREFUL NOW.

YOU KNOW, MY LEGS
HAVE GONE ALL WOBBLY.

I'M NOT USED TO ALL
THIS LEAPING ABOUT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU
REMEMBER ALL THE STEPS?

OH, YES. I REMEMBER THEM.

I'M JUST NOT SURE
WHEN TO DO THEM.

WELL, I'LL BE DOING THE CALLS

IN BETWEEN PLAYING MY TRUMPET.

DO YOU PLAY THE TRUMPET?

I PLAYED IT SINCE I WAS 12.

I'M FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T I?

ONE AFTER ANOTHER.

- I'M ALSO
THE CHAMPION KISSER.
- ARE YOU?

AT THE VILLAGE FAIR,

I RUN THE KISSING BOOTH.

I SELL THEM FOR A SHILLING.

I HAVE MY OWN SIGN:

"MAVIS IS WILLING
FOR A SHILLING."

I LOOK FORWARD TO YOU
PLAYING THE TRUMPET.

IT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU
TO MUCK IN, SO TO SPEAK,

AND HELP US.

I DO ADMIRE THE WAY

YOU'VE TAKEN CHARGE
OF EVERYTHING.

WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE

AN OLD STICK IN THE MUD.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE MOST MISLEADING.

YOU'VE NO IDEA, THE NUMBER

OF FLUTTERING
HEARTS YOU'VE CAUSED

AMONG THE FEMALE
MEMBERS OF THE TOUR.

REALLY?

THEY SAY YOU REMIND
THEM OF A FILM STAR.

OH, YOU DON'T SAY.

WHO WAS IT NOW?

OH, I REMEMBER. RONALD COLMAN.

OH, WHAT NONSENSE!

I NEVER SAW HIM.

OH, YOU MUST HAVE.

PRISONER OF ZENDA...

LOST HORIZON, RANDOM HARVEST...

TALE OF TWO CITIES...

"IT IS A FAR, FAR
BETTER THING I DO...

THAN I HAVE EVER DONE."

OH, WAS THAT HIM?

GRANNY WAS MAD ABOUT HIM.

THE COWS BEEN LYING
DOWN ALL AFTERNOON.

WELL, SO HAVE THE GUESTS.

THE SWALLOWS IS FLYING LOW, TOO.

NOT OVER THE TABLES, I TRUST?

I DON'T FANCY THE
LOOK OF THAT SKY.

"WHEN THE CLOUDS IS ALL STREAKY,

IT'LL RAIN FOR A WEEK-Y."

I'VE NEVER THOUGHT MUCH OF
THESE OLD COUNTRY SAYINGS.

PURE SUPERSTITION.

( thunderclap )

( coughing )

( applause )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OWING TO THE INCLEMENCY
OF THE WEATHER AND THAT,

WE CAN'T DO THE
HARVEST DANCE OUTDOORS.

BUT SO YOU WON'T
BE DISAPPOINTED,

WE'RE GONNA DO IT HERE!

( oohing, applause )

ARE YOU READY, DAD?

( accordion squawks )

THIS DANCE GOES BACK 200 YEARS

AND IS SAID TO
ENCOURAGE FERTILITY

AND A FINE HARVEST.

( jingling tambourine )

( festive song playing )

♪ WE STAMP OUR
FEET ON THE GROUND ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT'S FROSTY ♪

♪ IT'S SPRING, WE
SOW THE SEEDS... ♪

GO!

♪ WE TRAMP THE SEEDS,
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, GO! ♪

♪ NAUGHTY BLACKBIRDS ARE EATING
THE SEEDS, WE SHOO THEM AWAY ♪

All: SHOO! SHOO!

♪ NOW THE LITTLE PLANTS ♪

♪ ARE SHOOTING UP, HOW
PLEASED WE ALL ARE! ♪

♪ IT'S TIME TO LIFT
THE POTATOES ♪

♪ WE GET OUR SPADES ♪

♪ AND... ♪

♪ DIG! ♪

♪ WE MUST AWAY WITH OUR SPADES ♪

♪ AND MILK THE COWS... ♪

GO!

YOU'RE NOT MILKING A GIRAFFE!

♪ IT'S HARVEST TIME ♪

♪ WE ALL GO REAPING ♪

♪ WAIT FOR IT! ♪

- SIT DOWN, MR. CONKLIN.
- ♪ GO! ♪

♪ BY NOW THE ORCHARDS ARE FULL ♪

♪ WE PULL THE APPLES
OFF THE TREES ♪

♪ GO! ♪

♪ WE TREAD THE APPLES ♪

♪ ONE TWO THREE FOUR ♪

♪ READY... AND, GO! ♪

♪ ALL CHANGE! ♪

♪ WE DRINK THE CIDER ♪

♪ AND WE CELEBRATE ♪

( trumpet blaring )

OHH...

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

( theme music playing )