Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 5 - Monkey Business - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪

9:25.

THIS IS THE LATEST THE STAFF
HAVE ARRIVED IN LIVING MEMORY.

LAST NIGHT'S BLIZZARD WAS
THE WORST IN LIVING MEMORY.

I RECKON WE'LL BE
LUCKY TO SEE THEM AT ALL.

I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE
HERE, MR. SPOONER.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
YOU'D HAVE TAKEN ADVANTAGE



OF THE INCLEMENT WEATHER
TO TAKE THE DAY OFF.

OH, NOT ME, SIR. I SLEPT IN THE
ALL-NIGHT CINEMA DOWN THE ROAD.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS PAY-DAY.
ESPECIALLY TODAY WHEN WE GET OUR RISE.

SO WE'VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE.

9:28. I SHALL HAVE TO
REPORT THIS TO MR. RUMBOLD

AND SEE IF WE CAN BORROW SOME
TEMPORARY STAFF FROM OTHER DEPARTMENTS.

THEY'LL BE HERE, SIR. WHEN THEY HEARD
THE WEATHER FORECAST YESTERDAY,

- I HEARD THEM
MAKING CONTINGENCY PLANS.
- WHAT HAD THEY IN MIND?

THEY WERE GOING TO STAY AT MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
HOUSE 'CAUSE SHE LIVES THE NEAREST.

BUT SHE LIVES AT THE END OF A
CUL-DE-SAC BACKING ONTO A COMMON.

THEY'LL NEVER GET ACROSS THE
FOOTPATH TO GET TO THE BUS STOP.

- AS THEY'RE ALL HARD UP,
THEY'LL MAKE EVERY EFFORT.
- 9:29 AND 45 SECONDS.

AT 9:30 I SHALL ASSUME THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO ARRIVE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY.

FIVE SECONDS LEFT.



FIVE, FOUR, THREE,

- TWO, ONE, NAUGHT...
- ( elevator dings )

OH I'M SO SORRY WE'RE LATE,

BUT WE LOST OUR TRANSPORT.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE, A SNOW PLOW?

I HAD SIX YORKSHIRE
TERRIERS AT THE END OF THESE

WHEN WE LEFT THE BACKYARD DOOR.

AFTER WE'D CLEARED
A PATH WITH A SHOVEL.

I SHOUTED "MUSH, MUSH"
AND NOTHING HAPPENED.

BUT THEN THEY SPOTTED MY PUSSY

AND TOOK OFF LIKE LIGHTNING.

I HUNG ON TILL THE
END OF THE HIGH STREET

BUT THEY SLIPPED THEIR
COLLARS AND THEY WERE OFF.

BY THAT TIME WE'RE GOING
FLAT OUT DOWN THE HILL.

AND WE WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH A
RED TRAFFIC LIGHT AT SOME ROADWORKS.

THAT WAS VERY DANGEROUS,
DID ANYONE SEE YOU?

NO, IT WAS VERY
USEFUL FOR OVERTAKING.

THEY MOVED TO ONE
SIDE EVERY TIME I FLASHED.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

♪ HI HO, HI HO, IT'S
OFF TO WORK WE GO. ♪

AND THE FAILURE OF MANAGEMENT

TO MEET THE PROMISED 10% PAY
DEMAND IS MOST UNFORTUNATE.

BUT I UNDERSTAND THE
COMPANY'S DIFFICULT POSITION.

I'M CONFIDENT MY
DEPARTMENT WILL CONTINUE

TO PUT THEIR SHOULDERS TO THE
WHEEL WITH THEIR USUAL ENTHUSIASM.

COPIES TO MR. GRACE,
ACCOUNTS, FILE, ETCETERA.

IT'S EVER SO COLD IN HERE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
WORN A WARMER DRESS.

IT'S ALL I HAVE, SIR.

I'LL PUT THE BLOW HEATER ON
UNDER MY DESK FOR A MOMENT.

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

NOW, LET'S SEE IF I CAN
FIND THE RIGHT BUTTON.

- ( machine blowing )
- OH!

I'M SORRY, WRONG BUTTON.

I COULDN'T SEE VERY
WELL UNDER THE DESK.

YOU OUGHT TO STAND WHERE I AM.

YOU'VE JUST MADE A
HAPPY MAN FEEL VERY OLD.

OH, YOUR MORNING CUPPA, SIR.

SORRY ABOUT THE DRIED MILK,
IT'S ALL PART OF THE ECONOMY PLAN.

OH, AND THERE'S THE HOT WATER.

- WHERE'S THE TEA?
- YOU HAVE TO SUPPLY YOUR OWN.

THE GOVERNOR'S CUTTING
COSTS TO THE BONE.

WE CAN'T DRINK HOT DRIED MILK.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE,

AND YOU WANT A TEA-BAG,
I DO HAVE A SUPPLY.

I KNEW I COULD RELY ON YOU.

EXTRA TEA, 5p.

- WELL WORTH IT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED. ONE OR TWO?

- OH, TWO PLEASE,
I LIKE IT STRONG.
- THANK YOU.

ONE... TWO.

IS THAT IT?

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU
GET THE FIRST GO.

THAT'S GOT TO DO THE LIFT GIRLS
AND HALF THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.

WHY ONLY HALF THE
ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT?

THE OTHER HALF LIKE COFFEE.

HAVE A NICE TEA.

WHILE CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S OFF THE FLOOR,

COULD YOU LEND ME
50p TILL MY WAGES COME?

I WANT TO SEND OUT FOR A COFFEE.

OH I'M SORRY, LOVE,
BUT LOOK AT THAT.

SEE, NOT ONE COIN,
I'M FLAT BROKE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN FLAT
BROKE IN MY LIFE BEFORE.

ME AND ALL. THAT RISE IS
COMING RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS KEEP
A COUPLE OF POUND NOTES

TUCKED AWAY IN MY KNICKERS
JUST FOR EMERGENCIES.

UNFORTUNATELY, LAST
WEEK I HAD AN EMERGENCY.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- THE ELASTIC BROKE

AND I DROPPED ONE
IN THE HAYMARKET

AND IT BLEW OFF DOWN THE STREET.

TWO SECONDS LATER, THE
OTHER ONE FOLLOWED IT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, GET BACK
BEHIND YOUR COUNTER.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I NORMALLY WOULD
OBEY EVERY COMMAND YOU GIVE ME,

BUT LET'S FACE IT, AS FAR AS CUSTOMERS ARE
CONCERNED, WE COULD BE IN THE NORTH POLE.

I'M JUST WAITING HERE FOR MY WAGES SO I
CAN SEND FOR A COFFEE TO THAW ME OUT.

JUST FEEL THAT.

OH, YOUR TINY HAND IS FROZEN.

I SAID GET BACK!

- NOW IF YOU'D SPOKEN LIKE THAT BEFORE...
- YES?

I'D HAVE GONE STRAIGHTAWAY.

YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS
OR THE BAD NEWS FIRST?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THE GOOD NEWS IS,
HERE'S YOUR PAY PACKETS.

- THE BAD NEWS IS,
WE AIN'T GOT NO RISE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?

NO RISE. AND I CAN TELL YOU IT AIN'T
HALF CAUSING A RUMPUS DOWN IN PACKING.

TOILETRIES ARE HAVING A SIT-IN.

I'VE BEEN HELD DOWN
FOR OVER A YEAR.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO AND
COMPLAIN TO MR. GRACE PERSONALLY.

LET ME TELL YOU, THAT
MAN IS APPROACHABLE

'CAUSE I'VE JUST
APPROACHED HIM IN HIS OFFICE.

"LOOK AT MY ATTIRE," I SAID. "LOOK AT THE
FRAYED CUFFS ON THE END OF MY SHIRT."

- AND DID HE LOOK?
- YEAH, SHOVED IT RIGHT
UNDER HIS NOSE LIKE THAT.

AND I SAID, "LOOK, THE LEFT SOLE OF MY
SHOE IS PARTING COMPANY WITH THE UPPER."

- AND BANG, I SHOVED IT
RIGHT ON HIS DESK.
- BUT DID HE LOOK?

LONG AND HARD. AND THEN
HE TOOK OUT OF HIS POCKET

A GREAT THICK WAD OF FIVERS
DONE UP IN AN ELASTIC BAND.

REMOVING THE ELASTIC BAND, HE PUT
THE SITUATION TO RIGHT THERE AND THEN.

- WHAT DID YOU GET?
- THE ELASTIC BAND TO KEEP
MY SOLE ON.

WELL, AFTER THAT WHAT
CHANCE HAVE WE GOT?

AFTER THAT, NOTHING. I CAN'T
GIVE MY MOTHER ANY LESS.

- SHE'S TAKING IN
WASHING AS IT IS.
- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

NEITHER DID I TILL I CAUGHT
HER DOWN BY THE CANAL

WITH A BIG BOULDER
AND A PACKET OF BOLD.

OH WELL, THAT SETTLES IT.

I'M NOT STANDING FOR THIS
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

I SAY THAT WE GO TO
MR. RUMBOLD AND DEMAND OUR RISE.

MR. GRACE MUST BE OFF HIS ROCKER

IF HE THINKS HE'S GOING
TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.

WELL, FOR ONCE I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

DO YOU KNOW, I'D GET MORE IF
I WAS AN OLD-AGE PENSIONER?

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T
GOT LONG TO WAIT.

NOW I'VE GOT MY DANDER
UP SO JUST WATCH IT.

NO, NO, NO, I
SUGGEST YOU HANG ON.

GRIT YOUR TEETH AND
TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS.

NOW JUST RUSHING IN AND DEMANDING
YOUR RISE WILL ACHIEVE NOTHING.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY
THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT ONE EITHER.

WHAT? NO, NO, NO. I'M
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.

MY RISE HAD BEEN AGREED AT
THE TABLE IN THE BOARDROOM.

ACCORDING TO
MR. PATEL OF ACCOUNTS,

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT ARE
GOING TO BE ASKED TO TAKE A CUT.

WHAT? THIS IS
MONSTROUS. ARE YOU SURE?

MR. PATEL WAS MIDDLE
MANAGEMENT TILL HE HEARD THE NEWS.

THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM
HE WAS GOING UPSTAIRS

TO HAND IN HIS NOTICE AND
CASH IN HIS CURRY VOUCHERS.

WELL, THAT SETTLES IT.
WE MUST BE UNITED IN THIS.

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL.

RIGHT, SO WHO'S GOING IN FIRST?

WELL, I SUGGEST WE
ALL GO IN TOGETHER.

BUT THE DOORWAY
ISN'T BIG ENOUGH.

WE COULD ALL BUNCH UP
TIGHTLY BEHIND CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NO, WE COULD GO IN SIDE BY SIDE.

EXCEPT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I SHALL BE PLEASED
TO LEAD THE WAY

AND THAT DAFT BOY
CAN BRING UP THE REAR.

MR. GRACE IS OFF HIS ROCKER IF
HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO DIDDLE US.

YEAH, BUT WHAT YOU GOING TO SAY?

I SHALL BE SUCCINCT
AND TO THE POINT.

THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?

GIVE US THE MONEY,
JUG-EARS, OR ELSE.

YES, SIR, I'LL TELL HIM.

- IT'S MR. WOOTTON
OF THE PET DEPARTMENT.
- OH.

YES, MR. WOOTTON. WHAT?

YOU'VE LOST A MONKEY?

GOOD LORD. BIT YOU? WHERE?

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN PAINFUL.

MAKE A NOTE OF THIS.

WHAT SORT OF MONKEY?

PARAGUAYAN. WHAT
DO THEY LOOK LIKE?

LONG ARMS, BALD
HEAD AND BIG EARS.

THAT SOUNDS HIDEOUS.

HAVE YOU GOT ALL THAT DOWN?

I THINK I CAN REMEMBER IT.

RIGHT, I'LL ALERT
THE DEPARTMENT.

THAT WAS VERY CARELESS OF THEM.

( phone ringing )

- MR. RUMBOLD.
- SHUSH, SHUSH, I'M ON
TO MR. GRACE'S OFFICE.

YES, SIR, I HEARD THE BAD
NEWS ABOUT A MOMENT AGO.

- DON'T SAY SOMETHING'S
HAPPENED TO MR. GRACE.
- SHUSH.

IT SEEMS WHEN THEY
TRIED TO RESTRAIN HIM

HE BIT MR. WOOTTON ON THE NOSE.

YOU SAID HE'D GONE
OFF HIS ROCKER.

HE'S PROBABLY HIDING
IN THE LIFT SHAFT.

HAVE YOU TRIED DANGLING
A BANANA DOWN THERE

TO SEE IF THAT WOULD TEMPT HIM?

THIS WOULD NOT SEEM TO BE AN
OPPORTUNE MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR RISE.

RIGHT, I'LL TELL THE
REST OF THE STAFF.

YES, YES, MR. GRACE.

OH, WAS THAT
MR. GRACE ON THE PHONE?

I'D HARDLY BE CALLING
ANYBODY ELSE MR. GRACE.

YOU SAID HE WAS HIDING
DOWN THE LIFT SHAFT.

NO, NO, NO THAT WAS A
BALD-HEADED PARAGUAYAN MONKEY

THAT'S JUST ESCAPED
FROM THE PET DEPARTMENT.

I PRESUME YOU CAME IN TO TELL ME
YOU'VE JUST HEARD THE SAME NEWS.

THERE'S NO NEED TO PANIC, JUST GET BACK
TO YOUR COUNTERS AND KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

WE DIDN'T COME IN HERE
TO DISCUSS A MONKEY.

WE'VE COME ABOUT OUR PAY RISE.

- WHAT WE AIN'T GOT.
- AND WHAT WE AIN'T HAPPY ABOUT.

WELL, WE'RE LIVING IN
VERY DIFFICULT TIMES.

MINE WAS AGREED AND RATIFIED.

AND WE, AND I SPEAK
FOR EVERYONE HERE,

ARE NOT LEAVING THIS OFFICE
UNTIL WE GET YOUR ASSURANCE

THAT DURING THIS DAY THAT
RISE WILL BE FORTHCOMING.

I WAS EXPECTING
THE INCREASE, TOO.

I'M JUST AS DISAPPOINTED AS
YOU ARE, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

NOTHING, BECAUSE YOU
HAVEN'T GOT THE GUTS.

LOOK, THE GENERAL
ECONOMY'S ON THE UP.

I FEEL SURE THAT IN
THE COURSE OF TIME,

THE PAY RISE WILL
BE FORTHCOMING.

THE COURSE OF TIME HAS RUN
OUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

ME TOO. I'D BE BETTER
OFF IF I WAS FIRED.

AT LEAST I'D GET SEVERANCE PAY.

AND THEN I COULD GO
STRAIGHTAWAY ON THE DOLE

AND BE OUT LOOKING
FOR ANOTHER JOB.

NO REASON TO FIRE ANYONE.

YEAH, HE WOULDN'T GET ANYONE
TO WORK HERE FOR OUR WAGES.

- THAT'S WHY HE CAN'T FIRE US.
- SO ALL YOU NEED IS A REASON?

NATURALLY, I CAN'T
JUST SAY TO MR. GRACE

THAT I'VE FIRED ALL MY STAFF.

THAT WOULD PUT MY
CREDIBILITY AT RISK,

NOT TO MENTION MY JOB IN
JEOPARDY. I MUST HAVE A REASON.

WELL, WE'LL GIVE YOU A REASON.

I TAKE IT THIS IS ON
BEHALF OF ALL OF US?

All: AGREED.

OH, THAT WAS VERY
NAUGHTY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BUT LET IT NOT BE SAID THAT I
HAVEN'T GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

NOW GET BACK TO YOUR
COUNTERS, I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE. COME ON.

WELL, OPEN THE
DOOR, YOU DAFT BOY.

- DO YOU THINK THEY MEAN IT?
- I'M AFRAID SO.

BUT DUE TO OUR
CASH FLOW PROBLEM,

WE CAN'T EVEN AFFORD
THE SEVERANCE PAY.

MR. GRACE, RUMBOLD HERE.
BAD NEWS I'M AFRAID, SIR.

YES, THE STAFF ARE TRYING
TO GET THEMSELVES FIRED.

WHAT, SIR? YOU'VE
GOT EVEN WORSE NEWS?

IT'S A JAPANESE TAKEOVER BID.
WHAT WOULD THAT MEAN, SIR?

I SEE, WE'D ALL GET FIRED.

THAT'S IT. WE DO NO MORE WORK

THEN THEY'LL GET THE MESSAGE
AND THEY'LL HAVE TO FIRE US.

WE CAN NIP OUT AND GET
ON THE DOLE IMMEDIATELY.

I MUST SAY WITHDRAWAL OF LABOR
WOULD BRING THE POINT HOME TO THEM.

YOU MEAN LIKE A SIT-DOWN STRIKE?

THEY DON'T FIRE PEOPLE FOR
STRIKING, THEY JUST DON'T PAY THEM.

BUT WE'D BE NO BETTER OFF
THEN THAN WHAT WE ARE NOW.

SHE'S RIGHT. NO, WE
MUST DO SOMETHING

THAT THEY CAN'T FORGIVE US FOR.

I'VE OFTEN DONE THAT BUT
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FORGIVEN.

MIND YOU, IT WAS ALWAYS
BY THE SAME VICAR.

YEAH, BUT THAT MRS. COMLOZI,
SHE GOT FIRED FROM COSMETICS

FOR BEING RUDE TO A CUSTOMER.

Spooner: NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

YES, NOW THEN, YOU GO ON
AND BE FIRST TO GET FIRED.

NO, YOU'RE SENIOR.

WE'RE GOING TO START AT THE
BOTTOM AND WORK OUR WAY UP.

- NOW GET OVER THERE.
- ALL RIGHT.

I'VE JUST COME OVER TO
TELL YOU I AIN'T SERVING YOU.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A JUNIOR.

I NEED A SENIOR SALESPERSON

AS I WISH TO PURCHASE A FUR
COAT FOR MY SEC... SECOND COUSIN.

SOMETHING IN THE
REGION OF £5,000 OR MORE.

YEAH, JUST HANG ON
A MINUTE, WILL YOU?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THEY WANT TO SPEND OVER 5
GRAND. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

- STAND FIRM.
- YOU'RE NOT ON COMMISSION.

- OH, WHAT A DILEMMA.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL
FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL?

WE COULD SHARE IT.

NO, NO, WE'VE AGREED
AND WE'LL STICK TO IT.

I WILL GO OVER THERE AND BE
THE FIRST TO SACRIFICE MYSELF

AS AN EXAMPLE TO
THE REST OF YOU.

IT'S JOAN OF ARC ALL OVER AGAIN.

WITH ONE SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

JOAN OF ARC HAD CALAIS
PRINTED ACROSS HER HEART.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK
MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL GO WITH?

CAMI WRITTEN
ACROSS HER KNICKERS.

I AM MRS. SLOCOMBE,

SENIOR SALESPERSON
ON THE LADIES COUNTER.

AH, GOOD. I'D LIKE A FUR COAT.

SOMETHING IN THE REGION OF £5,000
OR MORE, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

I SUGGEST THAT YOU BUY A GUN,

FLY A PLANE TO CANADA,

CLIMB UP A TREE AND WAIT.

I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND YOU.

TO PUT IT ANOTHER
WAY, GET STUFFED!

WELL, REALLY!

NOW I'LL EXPECT YOU'LL
WANT TO GET ME FIRED.

THE MANAGER'S
OFFICE IS OVER THERE.

KICK UP AS MUCH
STINK AS YOU LIKE.

OH YES, YES, YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO RING THE PAPERS.

THE PAPERS? I CAN'T
BE IN THE PAPERS WITH...

PERCIVAL, MISS PERCIVAL.

I KNOW YOUR NAME, YOU IDIOT. SO DOES
MY WIFE. COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

OH STINKS.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY.

WE'LL BURN THE PLACE
DOWN, THAT WILL DO IT.

WE WANT TO GET
FIRED, NOT JAILED.

I DID MY BEST.

I CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT
OF US ALL GOING ONE BY ONE.

TELL YOU WHAT, WHY
DON'T WE GO UP TO THE LIFT,

WAIT TILL THE DOORS OPEN AND ALL
BE RUDE TOGETHER? THAT SHOULD DO IT.

HANDS UP THOSE IN FAVOR?

- WHAT WE GOING TO SAY?
- BUZZ OFF, YOU UGLY GIT.

YEAH, BUT SUPPOSING THEY'RE
FOREIGN, THEY MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.

NO, WE, WE NEED AN
INTERNATIONAL GESTURE.

WHAT ABOUT A LOUD RASPBERRY?

NO, NO, NO, SOMETHING
MORE TELLING.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD
TWO-FINGERED SALUTE?

EXACTLY, UNIVERSAL AND
UNMISTAKABLY AN INSULT.

RIGHT, COME ON. LET'S GET TO IT.

- I CAN HEAR THEM
COMING - ARE WE READY?

WELL, THROW IN A RASPBERRY
JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE.

- I AGREE.
- THEY'RE HERE.

NOW RASPBERRIES
AND FINGERS READY.

( blows raspberry )

( blows raspberry )

WELL, IN THE ABSENCE
OF ANYONE TO BE RUDE TO,

I'M GOING OVER TO THE PUB FOR AN
UNSPECIFIED NUMBER OF GIN AND TONICS.

- I THINK I'LL JOIN YOU.
- ME TOO.

I'M ALWAYS MORE OUTSPOKEN AFTER
TWO OR THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD
HAVE BEEN MORE EVERYTHING.

I'VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR ALL OF US.

- THE JAPS HAVE INVADED.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I WAS EARWIGGING AT A
SHAREHOLDERS' MEETING

AND THEY VOTED TO SELL US TO THE
JAPS. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET BOOTED OUT.

THEY CAN'T DO THAT TO
US, WE'RE BRITISH WORKERS.

IT'S A "FATE ACCOMPLISH."

- WE HAVEN'T
EVEN BEEN CONSULTED.
- YEAH, WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS.

- I'VE GOT BAD NEWS, I'M AFRAID.
- WE'VE JUST HEARD.

AH, WELL, I'M NOT
TAKING THIS LYING DOWN.

- I THINK WE
SHOULD FIGHT THIS TAKEOVER.
- FOR ONCE I'M IN AGREEMENT.

10 MINUTES AGO WE WERE
ALL TRYING TO GET FIRED.

YES, BUT NOT BY THE JAPANESE.

T AIN'T DEFINITELY DEFINITE.
THEY'RE SENDING THEIR HEAD MAN,

MR. YAMOTO, TO HAVE A
QUICK GO OVER THE BUILDING

AND MAKE SURE THEY CAN
MODERNIZE IT TO MAKE IT PAY.

I EXPECT YOUR JOB WILL
BE TAKEN OVER BY A ROBOT,

BREAKING OFF ONCE A
WEEK TO HAVE A QUICK PLATE

OF MICROCHIPS IN THE CANTEEN.

WHERE IS THIS MR. YAMOTO?

RUNWAY FOUR, HEATHROW.

THE DOORS OF HIS EXECUTIVE
JET IS ALL FROZEN UP.

ONCE THEY GET A BLOW
LAMP HE'LL BE HERE.

DO YOU THINK HE'LL
KEEP ANY OF US ON?

OH, I DON'T THINK I COULD
LIVE OFF A BOWL OF RICE A DAY.

MY EYES ARE SMALL
ENOUGH AS IT IS.

ONE FEELS SO HELPLESS.

I FEAR THAT WE AT GRACE BROTHERS
ARE ABOUT TO BECOME A STATISTIC.

THE PRIME MINISTER SAID THE MEDICINE
WOULD BE BITTER AND SHE WAS RIGHT.

THAT'S IT. THAT IS
IT. YOU'VE GOT IT.

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE
DONE IT, WHY CAN'T WE?

I BET THEY EVEN DO IT IN JAPAN.

- WHAT, COMMIT HARA-KIRI?
- BUFFOON.

NO, WE'LL GO TO NUMBER 10
AND PUT OUR CASE ON THE TABLE.

SHE'S A WOMAN,
SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

MIND YOU, WHAT WE
NEED IS A SPOKESMAN

OR SPOKESWOMAN.

THE QUESTION IS, WHO?

MY WORKERS ARE
SOLIDLY BEHIND ME,

AND I'LL BE HAPPY TO GO TO NUMBER
10 AND PUT OUR MOTION ON THE TABLE.

WHAT WE NEED IS
SHORTER WORKING HOURS,

A GUARANTEED
INDEX-LINKED PAY RISE,

EARLY RETIREMENT AND
BETTER CANTEEN DINNERS.

IN EXCHANGE FOR OUR
DEMANDS BEING MET IN TOTAL,

I AM PREPARED TO FORM
A WORKERS' COOPERATIVE

ELECTED BY A SEMI-SECRET BALLOT.

AND I ASK YOU,
BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

TO VOTE FOR ME AND I
WILL BRING HOME THE BACON.

GIVE ME THE TOOLS,
I'LL DO THE JOB!

YES...

HANDS UP, THOSE WHO
VOTE FOR MR. HARMAN.

- HAVE YOU ANY MORE TO SAY?
- YES I HAVE.

ANYBODY GOT AN ELASTIC
BAND? THIS ONE'S BROKE.

NO, WHAT WE NEED IS SOMEONE
WITH CHARM AND CHARISMA.

SOMEONE WHO'S NOT TOO
FAR ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

BUT I DON'T THINK I'M
FORCEFUL ENOUGH.

OH DEAR, I DIDN'T
ACTUALLY MEAN YOU.

WHO ELSE ISN'T TOO FAR
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER?

I MEAN IN HIS VIEWS.

I HAD IN MIND CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

WELL, I'M THINKING
ABOUT THE FIRM, YOU SEE.

AND IN THAT ANTHONY EDEN
HAT HE DOES LOOK THE PART

AND HE CAN CHARM
WHEN HE WANTS TO.

WELL, I'M VERY TOUCHED BY MRS.
SLOCOMBE'S CONFIDENCE IN ME.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SHE WOULD
HAVE PUT HERSELF UP FOR ELECTION.

WELL, THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT.

BUT YOU SEE, I'LL BE
MAKING UP THE MANIFESTO

SO YOU'D BETTER DO THE CHAT.

AND MR. HUMPHRIES CAN BE A
MINISTER WITHOUT A THINGAMABOB.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- PORTFOLIO.
- THAT'S THE WORD
I WAS LOOKING FOR.

I'M GLAD YOU FOUND IT.

AND THE REST OF YOU
CAN BE IN THE CABINET.

WE'RE NOT A GOVERNMENT,
WE'RE JUST A DELEGATION.

DON'T LET'S GET CARRIED AWAY.

I WONDER IF THIS IS
MORE ANTHONY EDEN?

- MIRROR, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- MIRROR, MR. SPOONER.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL WE'RE
DOING THIS FOR THE WORKERS

ALL OVER THIS GREAT
COUNTRY OF OURS.

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT POEM.

"THIS SCEPTERED ISLE, THIS JEWEL

SET IN A SILVER SEA, THIS..."

THIS ENGLAND. THAT OTHER EDEN.

I'LL ORDER A CAB.

OH YES, BUT WE'RE NOT GOING UNTIL
ME AND MISS BRAHMS HAS CHANGED.

WE'RE NOT GOING
LOOKING LIKE JUST ANYBODY.

- WHAT IF SHE'S NOT IN?
- THEN WE'LL CAMP
ON THE DOORSTEP.

IF WE DO THAT WE'LL
BE ON THE 6:00 NEWS.

IF MY MOTHER SEES ME CAMPING
ON THE DOORSTEP OF NUMBER 10,

SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
SHOW HER FACE AT BINGO AGAIN.

ARE YOU WITH US OR AGAINST
US OR ONE OF THE "DON'T KNOWS"?

ACTUALLY, I'M A "DON'T
KNOW," BUT I'M WITH YOU.

WAIT IN HERE, WILL YOU?

THE P.M. IS AWARE OF THE
REASON FOR YOUR VISIT

AND WILL GIVE YOU A MOMENT OF
HER TIME AS SOON AS SHE'S FREE.

OH, HOW KIND.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

HE WAS WITH US
AT THE FRONT DOOR.

I AIN'T SEEN HIM SINCE HE
FELL OVER THAT GOLF CLUB.

DO YOU THINK HE'S GOT LOST
IN THE CORRIDORS OF POWER?

HE'LL GET HIMSELF ARRESTED.

THIS WHOLE PLACE IS TOP SECRET.

OH, FANCY US BEING IN
NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET.

YES, JUST THINK, WINSTON
PROBABLY SAT HERE.

ENTERTAINING LADY
ASTOR AND ALL THAT MOB.

YES, IT'S CERTAINLY
GOT ATMOSPHERE.

LLOYD GEORGE, BALDWIN,

ALL OF THEM MUST HAVE SAT HERE.

WHAT FASCINATING
CONVERSATIONS, EH?

THINK WHAT GREAT DECISIONS
HAVE BEEN TAKEN AT THIS TABLE.

I BET WILSON TAPPED HIS PIPE OUT

ON THAT VERY ASHTRAY.

THINK OF IT, LLOYD
GEORGE KEEPING SECRET

THE FACT THAT HIS SECRETARY
WAS ALSO HIS MISTRESS.

I WONDER WHAT WORDS WERE USED

WHEN THEY WERE ALONE
TOGETHER IN THIS ROOM.

IT'S NOT AS BIG AS I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DUST IT.

SHE HASN'T BEEN
ROUND LATELY, EITHER.

SHOULDN'T WE GO AND
LOOK FOR MR. HUMPHRIES?

HE'S PROBABLY LOOKING
EVERYWHERE FOR US.

- ( phone ringing )
- IF THAT'S THE RED ONE,
I'M UNDER THE TABLE.

- NO, NO, IT'S THIS ONE.
- 10 TO ONE IT'S MR. HUMPHRIES

SAYING HE'S UNDER CLOSE ARREST
AND WOULD WE VOUCH FOR HIM.

WHEN I GO TO MY DOCTOR, THE
PHONE RINGS IN THE WAITING ROOM

TO SAY THAT THE NEXT
PATIENT'S REQUIRED.

SO PROBABLY THAT MEANS
THAT WE CAN GO AND SEE HER.

I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD TOUCH ANYTHING.

YEAH, BUT THEY KNOW
THERE'S A DELEGATION IN HERE.

IT MUST BE FOR US, OTHERWISE
SOMEBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE ANSWERED IT.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE, DON'T...
- MRS. SLOCOMBE HERE.

SLOCOMBE.

WELL, I'M SORT OF SECOND
IN THE PARTY, AS IT WERE.

RONALD WHO?

GET AWAY. OH!

IT'S RONALD REAGAN.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK
I'M QUITE THE PERSON

TO WHOM YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO.

NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE. HANG ON.

JUST BEFORE YOU GO,
WHILE I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,

MAY I SAY ON BEHALF
OF MY DEPARTMENT

AND THE REST OF BRITAIN

HOW MUCH WE ADMIRE YOU?

WE DO.

I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR
FILMS, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE RINGING BECAUSE
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ANN WHO?

ANN DROPOV? WHAT
FILM WAS SHE IN?

OH, WE'VE BEEN CUT OFF.

- IT REALLY WAS HIM.
- THAT'S WHAT WE WERE AFRAID OF.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
OUT OF PLACE, DID I?

NO.

APART FROM PUTTING THE WESTERN
ALLIANCE BACK ABOUT 20 YEARS.

WE'LL ALL END UP IN
THE TOWER OF LONDON.

LISTEN, SOMEONE'S
COMING. REMEMBER,

WE TRIED TO STOP HER
BUT SHE OVERPOWERED US.

I'M SORRY THAT
CALL GOT MISROUTED,

BUT WHOEVER ANSWERED IT
CERTAINLY PUT HIM IN A GOOD MOOD.

AND I MUST SAY YOUR
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS CHARMED THE P.M.

- WHERE IS HE?
- HELPING HER CHOOSE A HAT FOR
QUESTION TIME IN THE HOUSE.

GOODBYE AND THANK
YOU SO VERY MUCH.

GREAT PLEASURE.
THANKS FOR THE TEA.

MIND THE FEATHER IN THE DOOR.

( door closing )

APPARENTLY SHE'S RUNNING LATE.

- YOU SPOKE TO HER?
- NON-STOP.

- ABOUT THE JAPANESE TAKEOVER?
- NO, ABOUT MY MOTHER
TAKING IN WASHING.

- SHE GAVE ME SOME
VERY GOOD ADVICE.
- WHAT WAS IT?

WELL, APPARENTLY IT'S TWO BUCKETS
OF CANAL WATER TO ONE OF BOLD.

- AND DON'T TOUCH S.D.P.
- WHAT'S THAT?

SURF, DAZE AND PERSIL.

WELL, I'M GOING
TO ENTER THIS HAT

FOR THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

FOR THE SHORTEST
POLITICAL CAREER.

WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
WE DIDN'T GET IN TO SEE HER.

NO, MR. HUMPHRIES HAD
HIS CHANCE, HE LET IT SLIP BY.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WAS RUNNING LATE.

BY THE TIME I'D TALKED HER OUT OF
THE GREEN SHOES WITH THE RED HANDBAG

AND SOLD HER THE
HAT SHE WAS OFF.

WELL, I'M GOING TO
GO AND SEE MR. GRACE

TO HAVE ONE LAST TRY.
ARE YOU ALL BEHIND ME?

WE'VE LOST THE ONE
CHANCE WE MIGHT HAVE HAD.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THIS IS THE END.

ISN'T ANYBODY COMING?

YOU WON'T MOVE MR. GRACE,
HE'S A MEAN OLD MAN.

APART FROM THAT,
HE'S BEEN TOPPLED.

YEAH, YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND
TRY TO SAVE YOUR OWN SKIN.

- WE'VE HAD IT DOWN HERE.
- BARRING A MIRACLE.

WELL, IF WE DON'T MEET AGAIN,

AT LEAST NOBODY
CAN SAY WE DIDN'T TRY.

GOODBYE, STEPHEN,
BETTY, SHIRLEY,

WILBERFORCE AND YOU, BERT.

GOOD LUCK.

AND TO YOU, HARRY.

HE KNEW ALL OUR NAMES.

HE NEVER USED THEM
BUT HE KNEW THEM.

HE WAS QUITE HUMAN, REALLY.

HE GAVE ME A LITTLE
SMILE AT THE END.

ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW DISASTERS
BRING EVERYBODY CLOSER TOGETHER?

THIS IS TRUE.

DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER
KNEW YOUR NAME WAS HARRY.

IT AIN'T, IT'S BEVERLY,

BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT
THAT COUNTS.

( Miss Belfridge screams )

- SOMETHING TERRIBLE'S HAPPENED.
- OH, SHE'S AS WHITE
AS A SHEET.

- IT'S SITTING IN HIS CHAIR
EATING A BANANA.
- WHAT IS?

THAT BALD-HEADED
MONKEY WITH THE BIG EARS.

IT'S CLIMBED THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND IT SAT IN MR. RUMBOLD'S CHAIR.

I'LL GO AND ALERT MR. WOOTTON.

I AM MR. KAYOTO,
ASSISTANT TO MR. YAMOTO.

HE DOES NOT SPEAK ENGLISH BUT WOULD
LIKE TO SEE WORKERS AND MANAGER.

WE ARE THE WORKERS.

( speaking Japanese )

MR. YAMOTO SAID YOU
SHOULD BE AT YOUR POSITIONS.

SUCH IDLE BEHAVIOR IS
NOT GOOD FOR DISCIPLINE.

- REALLY?
- WE GO NOW
TO SPEAK TO MANAGER.

OFFICE HERE ON PLAN.
MUST GO THAT WAY.

- I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU...
- ( speaking Japanese )

WHEN MR. YAMOTO WANTS
INFORMATION HE WILL TELL YOU.

( speaking Japanese )

I'M AFRAID I WAS TOO LATE.

MR. GRACE SAID THAT
SUBJECT TO MR. YAMOTO'S

FINAL DECISION THE
DEAL'S GOING THROUGH.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,
WE'RE ALL TO BE KEPT ON.

I VERY MUCH DOUBT THAT. THOSE TWO
JAPS HAVE JUST GONE INTO YOUR OFFICE.

AND THAT FLAMING MONKEY'S
SITTING IN YOUR CHAIR.

GOOD HEAVENS.

JUDGING BY THE SIZE OF THE
PLASTER ON MR. WOOTTON'S NOSE,

- IT'S A MOST FEROCIOUS ANIMAL.
- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

APART FROM SENDING FOR THE
AMBULANCE, IT'S TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING.

MR. YAMOTO WILL NOT BE
BUYING GRACE BROTHERS.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY,
BUT I THINK I CAN EXPLAIN.

NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY.

HE WILL NOT BE INSULTED
BY MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.

DON'T TELL ME HE GOT THE
TWO-FINGERED SALUTE AND THE RASPBERRY?

THAT ENGLISH WELCOME
WE UNDERSTOOD,

BUT IN OUR COUNTRY
GETTING A BANANA IN THE EAR

IS AN INSULT WE CANNOT
FORGIVE. GOOD DAY.

- BRITISH WORKER'S FAREWELL?
- All: AGREED.

( blows raspberry )

( blows raspberry )

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪