Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 6 - Lost and Found - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES... ♪

PASS ME A HAT FOR THE
DISPLAY, MR. SPOONER.

- YES, SIR.
- THANK YOU.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO WATCH
CLOSELY HOW I'M BRUSHING THIS NAP.

SEE, THE CURLING THE BRIM?

IT TAKES YEARS AND
YEARS OF EXPERIENCE

TO GET THIS WRIST ACTION.



YOU WATCHING?

I AM, MR. HUMPHRIES. IT'S A PLEASURE
TO SEE A CRAFTSMAN AT WORK.

YES, THERE'S A RIGHT WAY AND A
WRONG WAY OF DOING EVERYTHING.

THERE.

YOU MAY PUT THAT ON THE DISPLAY.

IT'S A PRIVILEGE.

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING
ELSE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES, MR. SPOONER, TWO
THINGS, AND YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

- WHAT'S THAT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- EITHER GET A SMALLER HAT
OR A BIGGER BRAIN.

YOU MUST HAVE GOT OUT THE
WRONG SIDE OF BED THIS MORNING.

YOU'VE NEVER SPOKEN
TO ME LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SNAP.

I'M JUST VERY WORRIED
ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( phone rings )



( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

OH YES, MR. RUMBOLD.

NO, MR. RUMBOLD, NOT AS YET.

YES, WE'RE ALL VERY CONCERNED.

I'LL PASS THE MESSAGE ON.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?

- AT THE MOMENT.
- PERMISSION TO COME
TO THE CENTER FLOOR.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

THAT WAS MR. RUMBOLD
ON THE PHONE.

HE'S BEEN TRYING TO RING
MR. SLOCOMBE BUT THERE'S NO REPLY.

HE WAS WONDERING IF WE KNEW OF
ANYONE THAT MIGHT KNOW WHERE SHE WAS.

IT'S AFTER 11:00. IT COULD
BE SOMETHING QUITE SERIOUS.

- MISS BRAHMS?
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO COULD
KNOW WHERE MRS. SLOCOMBE IS?

WELL, ONLY HER
FRIEND MRS. AXELBY.

I'VE RUNG HER 10 TIMES THIS
MORNING BUT SHE'S ALWAYS ENGAGED.

- WELL, TRY AGAIN.
- YES, SIR.

IT'S NOT LIKE MRS.
SLOCOMBE. NOT ON A MONDAY.

I AGREE.

ON BEHALF OF MAINTENANCE
AND PACKING I'M ENQUIRING TO SEE

IF THERE'S ANY NEWS
ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU ALL DOWN
THERE TO BE SO CONCERNED.

WE ARE, SHE AIN'T PAID
FOR HER RAFFLE TICKET YET

AND IT'S A DRAW THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, HELLO, OH YES I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO GET THROUGH ALL MORNING.

NO. MISSING SINCE WHEN?

FRIDAY NIGHT.

BUT WHEN WAS THE
LAST TIME YOU SAW HER?

THREE DAYS AGO ON
THE ROOF OF THE PUB?

BUT HOW DID SHE GET UP THERE?

WELL, EVEN SO, IT'S QUITE A JUMP
FROM THE ROOF OF THAT OUTSIDE LOO.

IT'S THOSE YOUTH
PILLS SHE'S TAKING.

I SAID THERE'D BE SIDE-EFFECTS.

ASK IF THE POLICE
HAVE BEEN INFORMED.

HAVE THE POLICE BEEN
INFORMED? OH FULL DESCRIPTION,

MOTH-EATEN, BLACK
AND WHITE COAT,

BANDY LEGS.

NO BOTTOM TEETH AND A LIMP.

BLIMEY, SHE'S GONE
DOWNHILL QUICKLY.

WELL, THANK YOU.
YES, WE HOPE SO TOO.

YEAH, BYE.

THEY'LL NEVER FIND MRS.
SLOCOMBE WITH THAT DESCRIPTION.

IT'S NOT MRS. SLOCOMBE
WHAT'S MISSING, IT'S HER CAT.

HER CAT!

YES, SHE'S BEEN UP ALL WEEKEND.
ANYWAY, SHE'S ON HER WAY HERE NOW.

I HOPE IT TURNS UP.
THAT CAT WAS HER LIFE.

I KNOW. DO YOU KNOW SHE
POLISHED ITS MEDALS EVERY NIGHT?

I BET SHE'S IN A RIGHT STATE.

APPARENTLY SHE'S BEEN SCOURING THE
FIELDS AND WOODS FOR MILES AROUND.

BLIMEY, DAVID BELLAMY AT LARGE.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

WE'VE HEARD THE BAD
NEWS, I'M VERY SORRY.

IF IT DOESN'T TURN UP,
I'LL HELP YOU TONIGHT.

OH THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S NEVER
BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT BEFORE.

IF I DON'T FIND HER SOON,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL...

OH COME ON, BETTY, PUT YOUR
THINGS IN THE FITTING ROOM.

WHAT ABOUT THE
50p FOR THE TICKET?

DON'T DISTURB HER NOW.
CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S UPSET?

- I'LL PAY FOR IT.
- OH THANK YOU.

FIRST PRIZE IS THAT PARROT THEY
CAN'T SHIFT IN THE PET DEPARTMENT.

THAT PARROT IS A PERSONAL
FRIEND OF MINE, YOU CAN'T RAFFLE HIM.

WE CAN. I GOT IT CHEAP. THE PROCEEDS
ARE FOR THE WORKERS TEA FUND.

YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR
COUNTER, MR. HUMPHRIES.

YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

LET'S HOPE MRS. SLOCOMBE
WINS THAT PARROT.

THEN IF HER CAT DOESN'T TURN UP,
IT'LL BE SOMEBODY FOR HER TO TALK TO.

- SAVE ON THE PHONE CALLS.
- HOW'S THAT?

WELL, SHE PHONES ME NEARLY
EVERY NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S A VERY LONELY WOMAN.
IT'S TIME SHE GOT MARRIED.

HASN'T SHE LEFT IT
A BIT LATE FOR THAT?

YES, I SUPPOSE HER LIFE IS
RATHER LIKE THE SEPTEMBER SONG.

YOU KNOW, ♪ AND THE
DAYS DWINDLE DOWN ♪

♪ TO A PRECIOUS FEW ♪

♪ SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER. ♪

- AND IN HER CASE, CHRISTMAS.
- THAT'S VERY RUDE.

SHE'S A VERY WARM, KIND, GENEROUS WOMAN.
SHE'D MAKE SOMEBODY A VERY GOOD WIFE.

- WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HER?
- 'CAUSE I'M NOT READY
TO GET MARRIED.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- MY MOTHER TOLD ME.

AREN'T THE DAYS DWINDLING
DOWN A BIT FOR YOU AS WELL?

YOU KNOW, ♪
SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER. ♪

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M
CLINGING ON TO AUGUST.

WITH AN OCCASIONAL FALL OF SNOW.

- ARE YOU READY,
MISS BELFRIDGE?
- YES, SIR.

"WITH REGARD TO YOUR
RECENT APPLICATION FOR A RISE,

I HAVE THOUGHT LONG
AND HARD ABOUT THIS."

NO, NO, MAKE THAT

"I HAVE GIVEN THIS
CAREFUL CONSIDERATION."

NO, NO, NO, CROSS THAT OUT.

"AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION, I..."

UH... WHERE WAS I?

"WITH REGARD TO YOUR
RECENT APPLICATION FOR A RISE

AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION
I UM, WHERE WAS I?"

NO, NO, JUST UP
TO CONSIDERATION.

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?

I COULD RUN OUT OF PAPER.

VERY WELL, I'LL BE BRIEF.

"WITH REGARD TO YOUR
RISE, THE ANSWER IS NO.

SIGNED C. RUMBOLD OF
HEAD OFFICE," ETCETERA.

- ( phone rings )
- OH, ANSWER THAT, WILL YOU?

HELLO, MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.
MISS BELFRIDGE SPEAKING.

MRS. AXELBY, YES.

OH DEAR.

YES, I'LL CONVEY THAT.

WELL?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
FRIEND MRS. AXELBY.

YES, YES, I HEARD THAT.
HAVE THEY FOUND THE CAT?

NO, BUT THEY'VE FOUND ITS CLOCKWORK
MOUSE AT THE EDGE OF A WELL.

AND MRS. AXELBY FEARS THE WORST.

SHE RECKONS IT'S A GONER.

OH DEAR, THIS IS
MOST UNFORTUNATE.

I SHALL HAVE TO DELIVER
THE NEWS PERSONALLY.

FORTUNATELY THOUGH,
TACT AND SENSITIVITY

ARE TWO OF MY STRONGEST POINTS.

- OH, BEFORE YOU GO, SIR,
WHO'S THIS FOR?
- WHAT?

"WITH REGARD TO YOUR
RISE, THE ANSWER IS NO."

OH YES, I FORGOT, IT'S FOR YOU.

- SHE'LL NEVER BE THE SAME
IF THEY DON'T FIND IT.
- WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE, SHE'S
GONE TO NURSE FOR A TRANQUILIZER.

THEY'LL PROBABLY GIVE HER
ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL ONES

THEY GIVE TO PEOPLE
WHO'VE LOST THEIR CATS.

- WHAT SPECIAL ONES?
- "MOGGY-DONS."

THIS IS NO TIME FOR LEVITY.

- I HAVE SOME VERY GRAVE NEWS
REGARDING MRS. SLOCOMBE'S CAT.
- NO, DON'T TELL ME.

APPARENTLY THEY'VE FOUND ITS
CLOCKWORK MOUSE ON THE EDGE OF A WELL.

ONE CAN ONLY DRAW
ONE CONCLUSION.

OH, WHO'S GOING TO TELL HER?

OH, LEAVE IT TO ME.
I'LL BE VERY TACTFUL.

I'LL LEAD INTO IT GENTLY AFTER
DISCUSSING A FEW GENERALITIES.

I'LL JUST THEN DROP A LITTLE HINT THAT
ALL IS NOT WELL REGARDING HER CAT.

- WHAT SORT OF HINT?
- HOW ABOUT A CHORUS
OF "DING DONG DELL"?

SHUT UP, YOU.

NO, IF ANYONE'S GOING TO
TELL HER, WE'LL TELL HER.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST.

OH, VERY WELL,
BUT DO BE TACTFUL.

WE'D BE A LOT MORE
TACTFUL THAN HE WOULD.

I THINK IT WOULD BE WISE TO
KEEP OFF THE SUBJECT ALTOGETHER.

YES, WE WON'T MENTION IT
AT ALL UNTIL CLOSING TIME.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. NOBODY
MENTION ANYTHING TO DO WITH CATS.

AND WHEN SHE ARRIVES,
WE'LL ALL BE JOLLY AND GAY.

HANDS UP THE JOLLIES.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BEHAVE
YOURSELF, YOU CAN GO SIT AT ANOTHER TABLE.

- SHH, HERE SHE COMES.
- ( all laughing )

DID IT REALLY?

SO I SAID TO MY MOTHER, "EVEN IF
THERE IS A BURGLAR DOWNSTAIRS

I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF BED."
SHE LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME,

SHE SAID, "CLAYBORNE,
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?"

I SAID, "I'VE NO IDEA BUT I DON'T
HALF FANCY A BIT OF CHEESE."

OH, TALKING ABOUT MICE,

SHE HAD A CLOCKWORK MOUSE
WITH HER WHEN SHE DISAPPEARED.

SHE NEVER TRAVELS ANYWHERE
WITHOUT THAT CLOCKWORK MOUSE.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY, I NEVER
TRAVELED ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY MARBLES.

WHEN I WAS A LAD, I ALWAYS
USED TO HAVE A CATAPULT.

- MR. SPOONER!
- AND MY MARBLES, OF COURSE.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I HAD A FAVORITE DOLLY.

AND I WOULDN'T GO
ANYWHERE WITHOUT THAT DOLLY.

I USED TO PUSH HER EVERYWHERE IN
ONE OF THEM LITTLE DOLLY'S PRAMS.

DID ITS EYES OPEN AND SHUT
WHEN IT SAT UP AND DOWN?

- OH YES, AND ONE DAY
THEY STUCK WIDE OPEN.
- WHAT DID YOU DO?

OH I HAD TO TAKE HER TO THE DOLLY'S
HOSPITAL AND THEY MADE HER WELL.

OH, THERE'S A WELL
NEAR MY HOUSE.

OH SUPPOSE SHE'S FALLEN
DOWN, WHATEVER WILL I DO?

OH CALM DOWN. THEM
TRANQUILIZERS WILL WORK IN A MINUTE.

NO THEY WON'T. I
HAVEN'T TAKEN THEM YET.

THE NURSE WAS BUSY. SHE
TOLD ME TO COME BACK LATER.

WELL, NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS.

WE ALL LOVE YOU AND
WE'RE ALL STANDING BY YOU.

OH, YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SO KIND TO ME.

DO YOU KNOW, WITHOUT
YOU AND TIDDLES,

I DON'T THINK MY LIFE
WOULD BE WORTH LIVING.

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME.

DO YOU?

OF COURSE I DO.

I MEAN, IF I DIDN'T HAVE
YOUR LITTLE PHONE CALLS

EVERY NIGHT AFTER
"CORONATION STREET"

SO THAT WE COULD
DISCUSS KEN'S PROBLEMS,

MY LIFE WOULD BE QUITE EMPTY.

SO YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT
TO KEEP YOUR CHIN UP

FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS YOURS.

DO MY CALLS REALLY
MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU?

OH, I SIT BY THE PHONE.

AND WOULD YOU REALLY
MISS ME IF I DIDN'T RING?

I'D BE ON TO YOU STRAIGHTAWAY AND
I'D WANT TO KNOW THE REASON WHY.

AND I WOULDN'T WAIT
FOR THE CHEAP RATE.

OH, IT'S MADE ME
FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

KNOWING HOW MUCH YOU CARE.

- BUT WE ALL CARE.
- IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

AH, BUT YOU'VE ONLY TO
LOOK AT MR. HUMPHRIES' EYES

TO KNOW THAT HE CARES
IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY.

IT'S THE SAME WAY MY
TIDDLES LOOKS AT ME

WHEN SHE'S BEEN A
GOOD GIRL IN THE GARDEN.

TRY AND FORGET IT. PUT
IT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

HERE YOU ARE, NEW LUNCH MENU.

BUT THIS IS MORNING COFFEE.

SINCE YOU LOT COMPLAIN
ABOUT THE FOOD SO MUCH,

MR. GRACE HAS
ALLOCATED YOU A SUBSIDY.

YOU NOW GET THE EXECUTIVE
MENU AT CANTEEN PRICES.

BUT AS SOME OF THESE
DISHES ARE UP TO CORDON BLEU,

YOU'VE GOT TO ORDER EARLY. THEN
THE CHEF KNOWS WHAT TINS TO OPEN.

I MUST SAY, OUR LONG AND BITTER
STRUGGLE HAS BEEN WELL REWARDED.

YEAH, ALL WE'VE GOT TO
DO NOW IS LEARN FRENCH.

SOLE BONNE FEMME

SHOULD SURELY NOT BE
BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION.

NO, SOLE IS SOLE,

BONNE IS GOOD AND
FEMME IS FRENCH FOR LADY.

IT'S A LADY SOLE. MY COMPLIMENTS
ON THE CHEF'S EYESIGHT.

IGNORANT LOT, AREN'T THEY?

- A TRIFLE GAUCHE.
- WHAT?

JUST UN FAÇON PARLÉ.

WE'RE OUT OF THAT,
TRY THE HALIBUT.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY CHICKEN?

I THINK COULD TOY
WITH A BIT OF CHICKEN.

THREE DOWN. ROAST
POUSSIN, FRIED POUSSIN,

COLD POUSSIN AND
POUSSIN IN THE BASKET.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO GET A TRANQUILIZER.

THAT POUSSIN IN
THE BASKET DID IT.

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

YOUR EXECUTIVE AFTERNOON TEA.

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT MRS.
SLOCOMBE'S BEREAVEMENT.

SHE SEEMED TO BE TAKING IT
VERY WELL, ALL CONSIDERED.

YES, I MUST SAY I'M VERY SORRY
FOR HER, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

- MAY WE HAVE A WORD, SIR?
- YES?

- IT'S ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- AH, YOU'VE TOLD HER.

POOR WOMAN, HOW DID SHE TAKE IT?

- SHE DIDN'T.
- WE AIN'T TOLD HER.

- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE THEN?
- WE NEED YOUR HELP.

AH, YOU WANT ME TO
TELL HER AFTER ALL.

YOU NEED MY TACT AND EXPERIENCE.

NO, WE WANT A CONTRIBUTION.

OH, YOU MEAN FOR FLOWERS,
THAT SORT OF THING?

NO, WE WANT TO BUY A
KITTEN IN THE PET DEPARTMENT

AND WE THOUGHT THE
WHOLE FLOOR SHOULD CHIP IN.

- INCLUDING MANAGEMENT.
- GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

OH THIS IS AN EXCELLENT
IDEA. I'M ENTIRELY BEHIND IT.

IF IT'S ANY HELP, THEY'VE GOT A
LOVELY SIAMESE KITTEN IN PETS.

IT'S GOT A MARVELOUS
PEDIGREE. IT'S CALLED MADAM WOO.

AND ITS FATHER WAS
EMPEROR CHONG OF BANGKOK,

FIVE TIMES TRIPLE CHAMPION.

- THAT SOUNDS IMPRESSIVE.
- BEING A CAT LOVER,

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PROBABLY
HEARD OF HIM. LIVES DOWN HER WAY.

PERHAPS SHE'D LIKE SOMETHING WITH
A PEDIGREE, THEN SHE COULD SHOW IT.

YES, IT WOULD SYMBOLIZE
OUR DEEP SYMPATHY FOR HER.

I COULDN'T HAVE PUT
IT BETTER MYSELF.

YES, I'M ENTIRELY WITH YOU.

- IT'S 50 QUID.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

IT'S GOT A PEDIGREE
AS LONG AS YOUR ARM.

HAVEN'T THEY GOT ONE THAT
JUST COMES UP TO THE ELBOW?

50 QUID? THAT'S A TENNER EACH.

THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO SHELL
OUT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE

- TO STOP THEM
FROM BEING LONELY.
- I AGREE.

I SHALL HAVE TO HITCHHIKE
TO WORK FOR A WEEK,

BUT I CAN'T STAND
SEEING HER SO MISERABLE.

I SHALL OF COURSE GO
ALONG WITH THE MAJORITY.

HOW DID YOU WORK
OUT THE £10 EACH?

WELL, THERE'S ME
AND MR. SPOONER,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AND MR. HUMPHRIES,

THAT'S FOUR

AND YOU'RE FIVE. THAT'S 50 QUID.

WELL, NATURALLY I'M
ABSOLUTELY BEHIND YOU.

BUT YOU, OF COURSE, ARE
HER CLOSEST ASSOCIATES.

YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU
DIDN'T CONSIDER ME CLOSE ENOUGH

EVEN TO BREAK THE BAD NEWS.

BUT I'M SURE MISS BELFRIDGE
AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO CONTRIBUTE

SAY, £5 BETWEEN US.

I'VE ONLY SPOKEN TO
HER A COUPLE OF TIMES.

SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN, YOU
REALLY SHOULD GET TO KNOW HER.

- I KNOW HER WELL ENOUGH
FOR A QUID.
- I SEE.

I'VE JUST REMEMBERED, AS A
MEMBER OF UPPER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

I'M ENTITLES TO A 20%
DISCOUNT ON ALL ITEMS.

WHICH MEANS THAT HE CAN BUY
THE MOGGY FOR £40 INSTEAD OF £50,

- WHICH IS HIS CONTRIBUTION.
- EXACTLY.

I THINK IT'S THE BEST OFFER
WE'RE GOING TO GET FROM HIM.

VERY WELL, YOU WILL
PURCHASE MADAM WOO...

BY EMPEROR CHONG OF BANGKOK,
FIVE TIMES TRIPLE CHAMPION.

THANK YOU, MR. HARMAN.

- FOR THE SUM OF £40
ON OUR BEHALF.
- DONE.

I ASSUME YOU'D LIKE ME
TO MAKE THE PRESENTATION.

I'M SURE I COULD TAKE A SMALL PERCENTAGE
OF MY VALUABLE TIME OFF TO DO THAT.

AT THE GOING RATE, I DON'T
THINK WE CAN AFFORD IT.

THANK YOU FOR
YOUR CUSTOM, MADAM.

OH, YOU'RE BEING EVER SO BRAVE.

I TELL YOU, SHIRLEY, IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE COMFORT AND STRENGTH

THAT I GET FROM MR. HUMPHRIES,
I DON'T THINK I COULD GO ON.

WHEN HE HELD MY HAND
AND LOOKED INTO MY EYES

AT COFFEE TIME IN THE CANTEEN,

I REALIZED HOW
MUCH HE MEANT TO ME.

I FELT... I FELT WE
WERE VERY CLOSE.

WELL, YOU WERE SITTING
NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

I MEAN SPIRITUALLY.

IT WAS AS THOUGH MY TROUBLES
HAD FUSED US TOGETHER.

I SUDDENLY REALIZED
HE MEANS MORE TO ME

THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

EXCEPT MY PUSSY, OF COURSE.

DO YOU THINK HE'LL
EVER GET MARRIED?

SOME GIRL WILL
GET LUCKY SOMEDAY.

BUT WHEN SHE GETS THE
CHANCE I HOPE SHE JUMPS AT IT

'CAUSE THERE AREN'T
TWO LIKE HIM IN THE WORLD.

NO, WELL NOT HERE ANYWAY.

- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
- UNDERWEAR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M FREE.

- UNDERWEAR FOR THE GENTLEMAN.
- CERTAINLY, SIR.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
FANCY, JUST A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS.

I'M SORRY, SIR, I'M AFRAID
WE'RE RIGHT OUT OF Y-FRONTS.

WE DO HAVE A NEW RANGE
WHICH ARE X-FRONTS.

X-FRONTS? I'VE
NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

OH, YOU ARE BEHIND THE TIMES.

WE'VE ACTUALLY GOT
A PAIR OF W-FRONTS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN W, X, AND Y-FRONTS?

ABOUT TWO OCTAVES.

PSST!

PSST!

DON'T YOU EVER ATTRACT MY
ATTENTION IN THAT MANNER AGAIN.

IT COULDN'T HAVE HURT MUCH, IT WAS ONLY
ONE OF THEM MUSHY ONES FROM THE CANTEEN.

ANYWAY, I SAW THEM DO THAT
ON A COLDITZ SERIES ONCE

AND IT SAVED THE YOUNG
OFFICER'S LIFE. HE DIDN'T COMPLAIN.

I PRESUME YOU'VE GOT
MADAM WOO IN THERE.

YES, AND SHE'S GOING TO
START MEOWING ANY MINUTE

SO YOU'D BETTER FIND A WAY OF
GETTING MRS. SLOCOMBE OFF THE FLOOR.

VERY WELL. MR. HARMAN,

TAKE THAT EMPTY BASKET ROUND
BEHIND THE MEN'S COUNTER, WILL YOU?

RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THE ACCOUNTS
DEPARTMENT HAVE QUERIED ONE OF YOUR BILLS.

WOULD YOU MIND GOING UP TO THEIR
FLOOR AND HAVING A CHAT WITH THEM?

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

WELL IT WORKED. WE
GOT HER OFF THE FLOOR.

WHO'S GOING TO GIVE
HER THE NEW CAT?

WE'VE ELECTED MR. HUMPHRIES.

SHE SEEMS TO LEAN ON
HIM IN TIMES OF CRISIS.

OH SHE WILL BE THRILLED.
WE WERE STOOD OVER THERE,

- SHE WAS SAYING
YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO HER.
- OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF HER.

YES, SHE SAID YOU WERE A GREAT
COMFORT AND STRENGTH TO HER.

AND YOU HAD THIS SPIRITUAL BOND

THAT SORT OF FUSED YOU TOGETHER,

AND WITHOUT YOU SHE
COULDN'T CARRY ON.

WAS SHE TALKING
ABOUT ME OR THE POPE?

WE MUST REALIZE THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS IN A VERY DELICATE MENTAL STATE,

HALF-PREPARED FOR THE TRUTH,
BUT NOT WISHING TO ACCEPT IT.

SHE PERHAPS PLACES UNDUE
RELIANCE ON MR. HUMPHRIES' KINDNESS.

BUT THAT COMBINED
WITH OUR GOOD WISHES

AND THE GIFT OF MADAM WOO, THAT
SHOULD PULL HER THOROUGH THIS CRISIS.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT WHEN
ARE WE, TO COIN A PHRASE,

GONNA LET THE
CAT OUT OF THE BAG?

I SHALL MAKE A LITTLE SPEECH
WHICH WILL GO SOMETHING LIKE,

DEAR MRS. SLOCOMBE, I PROPOSE ON
BEHALF OF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT,

TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS LITTLE
BUNDLE OF FLUFF CALLED TIDDLES JUNIOR.

ALIAS MADAM WOO,

SIRED BY EMPEROR CHONG OF
BANGKOK, FIVE TIMES TRIPLE CHAMPION.

NO, WE DON'T WANT HER
TO KNOW THAT IT'S VALUABLE.

YOU JUST OPEN THE BASKET,
HAND IT TO ME AND I'LL DO THE REST.

THAT SOUNDS FAIRLY
STRAIGHTFORWARD. ARE YOU READY?

OH YEAH, I GOT
THESE FROM DISPLAY.

THERE'S STILL A
BIT OF LIFE IN THEM.

( elevator dings )

MRS. RAMJEE WAS VERY PUZZLED.

SHE SAID THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG AT ALL WITH MY BILLS.

I'M AFRAID WE DELIBERATELY
DECEIVED YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BECAUSE WE WANTED TO GET YOU
OFF THE FLOOR FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU

WHICH WE HOPE WILL
MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.

OH HOW EXCITING. WHO CAN IT BE?

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- I PROPOSE...
- AND I ACCEPT.

I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I FELT IT THE SAME
MOMENT THAT YOU FELT IT.

- FELT WHAT?
- I FELT IT IN THE CANTEEN.

OUR EYES MET AND I KNEW YOU
KNEW I KNEW YOU KNEW I KNEW.

I KNEW NOTHING.

AH, YOU THOUGHT I'D
BE MORE SURPRISED.

BUT A WOMAN'S INTUITION
NEVER LETS HER DOWN.

OH, I'M THE HAPPIEST
WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

IT SEEMS AS THOUGH I HAD
TO LOSE ONE LOVED ONE

IN ORDER TO FIND ANOTHER.

IT'S AS THOUGH FATE
HAD TAKEN A HAND.

IT'S KARMA, IT'S KISMET.

IT'S... KISS ME!

OPEN THE LIFT DOORS, WARWICK!

STAND BY WITH THE
SMELLING SALTS.

THIS IS INDEED THE
MOST REMARKABLE NEWS.

- TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.
- THAT'S WHAT MR. HUMPHRIES
SAID.

HE HAD TO BORROW
HER SMELLING SALTS.

SO THIS ENGAGEMENT IS OFFICIAL?

SHE SEEMS TO
CONSIDER IT IN THAT LIGHT.

AND HE'S TOO STUNNED TO SPEAK.

HAS MR. HUMPHRIES
EVER INDICATED BEFORE

THAT HE'S ENAMORED
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WELL, HE'S TAKEN HER TO
ROLLER DISCO A COUPLE OF TIMES.

AND THEY ALWAYS DISCUSS
"CORONATION STREET" TOGETHER.

OH YES, MY WIFE AND I FEEL
THAT BEING ABLE TO DISCUSS

THE SORT OF COMPLEX PROBLEM
THAT KEN HAS WITH DEIRDRE

VERY IMPORTANT IN A MARRIAGE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK,
MISS BELFRIDGE?
- OH I AGREE.

OH AND THAT MIKE BALDWIN,
HE'S AT IT LIKE A RABBIT.

THE QUESTION IS, HOW ARE
WE GOING TO GET HIM OUT OF IT?

WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME HE'S BEEN GIVEN
A CHANCE TO PUT HIS TOE IN THE WATER.

IF HE WANTS TO SWIM,
WHO ARE WE TO STOP HIM?

FROM WHAT YOU SAY, HE
DIDN'T TRY TO DISSUADE HER.

IN OTHER WORDS, HE
DIDN'T TAKE HIS TOE OUT.

ONE HAS VERY LITTLE TIME
WHEN HIT BY A TIDAL WAVE.

IN HER CONDITION, WELL, I MEAN,

A REJECTION WOULD LEAD TO A
COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

WHAT ABOUT MR. HUMPHRIES'
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

OH, IT'S ABOUT
TIME HE LEFT HOME.

- ANYWAY, I THINK
THEY MAKE A LOVELY COUPLE.
- WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S GONE UP TO
COSMETICS FOR SOME MAKE-UP AND PERFUME

AND THEN SHE'S GOING TO
JEWELRY TO SELECT A RING.

ISN'T THAT A BIT PREMATURE?

- IT'S ONLY ON APPRO.
- AND MR. HUMPHRIES?

WELL, THE LAST TIME WE SAW HIM,

HE WAS TRYING TO GET THROUGH
TO HIS MOTHER ON THE TELEPHONE.

NO, OF COURSE I
HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING.

THE PUBS AREN'T OPEN YET.

NOW LOOK, WILL YOU STOP CRYING?

THAT'S BETTER.

NOW JUST TREAT IT IN A
LIGHT-HEARTED MANNER.

YOU'RE NOT LOSING A SON,
YOU'RE JUST LOSING A SOFA.

I'M GOING TO TAKE IT WITH ME UNTIL WE'VE
SORTED THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS OUT.

NO, SHE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.

NEITHER DO I.

WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE NEIGHBORS SAY.

TELL THEM I'VE JOINED
THE FOREIGN LEGION.

IT'S NEAR TO THE TRUTH.

YES, I'M DEFINITELY
COMING HOME TONIGHT.

OH YES, SHE'S NOT
LAYING A FINGER ON ME

UNTIL I'VE BEEN DOWN THAT AISLE.

I KNOW.

YES, THE VICAR
WILL BE SURPRISED.

NOT TO MENTION THE ORGANIST.

NO, NO, WE HAVEN'T
DISCUSSED THE MUSIC,

I THOUGHT OFF THE TOP OF
MY HEAD "I'LL DO IT MY WAY"

FOLLOWED BY "THE NUN'S CHORUS."

NOW LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW

BECAUSE MR. RUMBOLD'S GOING TO MAKE A
CONGRATULATORY SPEECH TO THE DEPARTMENT.

WELL, IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOMETIME.

I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT
WOULD HAPPEN TODAY.

BYE.

OH, IT'S THOSE
EYES THAT GET THEM.

BETTER DRINK YOUR CHAMPAGNE
BEFORE IT GETS WARM.

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

EXCUSE ME, BUT
THIS IS MR. WINSTON,

THE NEW WRITER FROM
THE STAFF MAGAZINE.

SOON AS HE HEARD THE NEWS
HE INSISTED ON COMING UP

AND TAKING A PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE HAPPY COUPLE

TOGETHER WITH THEIR
IMMEDIATE ASSOCIATES.

HE'S ALSO WRITING
A SHORT ARTICLE.

- AIN'T THAT RIGHT,
MR. WINSTON?
- CORRECT.

THIS IS ONLY KNOWN TO US.
HOW DID HE FIND OUT ABOUT IT?

CHECKBOOK JOURNALISM.

YOU CAN'T STOP IT.
HE'S FROM FLEET STREET.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.

I'VE ONLY JUST BEEN ASSIGNED.
THIS IS MY FIRST SCOOP.

- CHEERS, STEPHEN.
- GOOD LUCK, SHIRLEY.

I GOT IT WRONG. I HEARD IT WAS AN
OLDER WOMAN AND A YOUNGER MAN.

NOW I SEE IT'S THE
OTHER WAY ROUND.

RIGHT, WHAT ARE THE NAMES?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HAPPEN TO
BE THE DEPARTMENT FLOORWALKER.

I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE MARRIED.

MARRIED MAN PROPOSES
TO YOUNG GIRL.

DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW? HOW
LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEPARATED?

ANY CHILDREN FROM
THIS BROKEN HOME?

JUST A MINUTE, HE'S OLD
ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER.

GOOD QUOTE. OEDIPUS COMPLEX.

HERE'S THE HEADLINE,
"FLOORWALKING OUT TOGETHER."

THIS IS NOT THE
COUPLE, MR. WINSTON.

DON'T TELL ME YOU AND
THIS GORGEOUS CREATURE?

I CAN SEE IT ALL, "YOUNG
GIRL AND THE MAN IN POWER."

GO ON, DARLING,
SHOW US A BIT OF LEG.

LOVELY, YES.

MISS... MISS BELFRIDGE...
MISS BELFRIDGE, PUT IT AWAY.

THIS IS MY SECRETARY.

HERE'S THE HEADLINE,
"JUST MY TYPING."

IF YOU COULD TAKE A DEEP
BREATH AND JUST HOLD IT.

THAT'S IT. YES. OH, I LIKE THAT.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

THE HAPPY COUPLE AIN'T HERE YET.

FILM COSTS MONEY, YOU
KNOW? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED
TALKING SINCE YOU CAME IN.

I'M SURE IF THIS IS A SAMPLE
OF YOUR PRESS COVERAGE,

IT MUST BE MOST UNWELCOME.

LOOK, IT'S MY JOB TO IMPROVE
THE CIRCULATION OF THIS MAGAZINE

AND THAT IS WHAT I INTEND TO DO.

I'M SURE MR. HUMPHRIES AND MRS.
SLOCOMBE WILL WANT NO PART OF IT.

WELL, LET THEM DECIDE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S A
VERY PRIVATE PERSON.

I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE,

BUT MAKE-UP GAVE ME A QUICK PATCH-UP
FOR FREE WHEN THEY HEARD THE NEWS.

I'M WINSTON, STAFF MAGAZINE,
I COVER ALL BRANCHES.

OH, OH.

IT'S ONLY ON APPRO, YOU KNOW?

AND OF COURSE IT ISN'T REAL. BUT
YOU'D NEVER GUESS, WOULD YOU?

AND LOOK AT ALL
THAT GOLD BEHIND IT.

YOU SAID IF EVER YOU DID IT,
YOU HOPED YOU GET A BIG ONE.

YOU SHOULD GET ONE
FOR THE OTHER HAND,

OTHERWISE YOU'LL BUILD UP
THE MUSCLES IN JUST ONE ARM.

MAY I CONVEY, ON BEHALF
OF GRACE BROTHERS,

- MY WARMEST CONGRATULATIONS?
- HOW KIND.

YOUR AGE, FOR THE RECORD?

VERY, VERY EARLY 40s.

WHERE'S MY CLAYBORNE?

I'LL GO AND FIND HIM. THE LAST TIME
I HEARD HE WAS ON THE TELEPHONE.

- TO HIS MOTHER.
- OH, SHE'LL BE THRILLED
AT THE NEWS.

FOR THE MAGAZINE, CAN YOU SAY

WHAT IT WAS THAT FIRST
ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS MAN?

WELL HE'S SO... OH
HOW SHALL I PUT IT?

THERE'S SOMETHING
SO DIFFERENT ABOUT HIM.

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

I'VE GOT MR. HUMPHRIES
OUTSIDE, SHALL I BRING HIM IN?

YES, OF COURSE.
WHAT'S HOLDING HIM UP?

AT THE MOMENT,
WARWICK AND STANFORD.

FORWARD.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT
AS THE PUB WAS SHUT

I JUST POPPED ROUND
TO THE OFF-LICENCE

FOR A SMALL BOTTLE
OF GIN AND TONIC.

OH NOW, CAN I HAVE A
PHOTO OF THE HAPPY COUPLE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

I THOUGH THE TUTANKHAMEN
EXHIBITION WAS OVER.

- IT'S ONLY ON APPRO.
- THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS,
NOT WHEN WE'VE GONE THIS FAR?

DON'T GO AND UPSET YOURSELF, I NEVER
SAID I WAS HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.

YOU INTIMATED IT.

- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
- YOU DON'T USUALLY DRINK
AT THIS TIME OF THE DAY.

SURELY YOU DON'T OBJECT TO
ME ONLY HAVING A LITTLE ONE.

IT WAS A LITTLE ONE
OUT OF A BIG BOTTLE,

I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE.

"BRIDEGROOM-TO-BE
DRUNK AT RECEPTION."

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I'M PERFECTLY SOBER.

WHETHER I'M PERFECTLY SANE
OR NOT IS ANOTHER MATTER.

HOLD IT FOR A CLOSE-UP.

I FEEL THAT MADAM WOO WOULD
HAVE BEEN A BETTER PRESENT.

AT LEAST WE GOT OUR MONEY BACK.

I'VE GOT THE HEADLINE,
"MADE TO MEASURE." AGE?

OH, I NEVER GIVE MY AGE,
BUT LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,

IF LIFE WAS A TRAIN RIDE
FROM LONDON TO MANCHESTER,

I'D HAVE JUST GONE
THROUGH BIRMINGHAM.

ON AN EXPRESS.

WHERE WILL THE
MARRIAGE TAKE PLACE?

WE HAVEN'T GOT THAT FAR YET.

WELL, WHEN ARE YOU
PLANNING TO DO IT?

WE HAVEN'T GOT
THAT FAR YET EITHER.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
GOING OFF ME ALREADY.

- ( phone rings )
- RUMBOLD.

OH, MRS. AXELBY. I SEE.

IT'S FOR YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

SHE'S VERY ANXIOUS
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

DON'T WORRY, WHATEVER YOU
HEAR IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES,

I SHALL BE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE.

AND THE REST OF MY LIFE AS WELL.

HELLO, YES, YES.

NO. NO!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. TELL ME.

SHE'S REALLY GOING
TO NEED YOU NOW.

OH, ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

OH, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.

DID YOU SAY SIX? RIGHT,
I'LL MEET YOU IN THE PUB.

NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT DOING
ANYTHING TONIGHT. RIGHT, BYE-BYE.

THAT WAS MRS. AXELBY
AND THEY'VE FOUND TIDDLES.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SHE'S GOT SIX BABIES.

WE THINK THAT SHE
ESCAPED INTO THE GARDEN

OF A PEDIGREE CAT
THAT LIVES NEARBY.

AND FROM THE MARKINGS, I
THINK I CAN GUESS WHO IT IS.

IT'S EMPEROR CHONG OF BANGKOK.

All: FIVE TIMES TRIPLE CHAMPION.

- THAT'S GOING TO TAKE
A BIT OF COMPETING WITH.
- I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID, THAT
YOU WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT?

OH WELL, I'VE GOT A FAMILY
TO BRING UP NOW, YOU KNOW?

AND WELL, I WON'T BE READY
AGAIN UNTIL THEY'RE GROWN UP.

- CAN YOU WAIT?
- I'LL DO MY BEST.

- ( knocks )
- I'LL GET IT.

OH YEAH, RIGHT, I'LL TELL HER.

WE'VE GOT THE
RESULTS OF THE RAFFLE.

YOU'VE WON THE PARROT.

OH NO, I CAN'T HAVE THAT IN
THE HOUSE WITH SIX KITTENS.

YOU PAID FOR THE
TICKET, HERE, IT'S YOURS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M FREE.

( cash register rings )
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪