Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 4 - Calling All Customers - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

HURRY UP, MR. HARMAN, WE HAVE A
MOST IMPORTANT MEETING THIS MORNING.

THEY AREN'T ALL HERE YET. WHERE WOULD
YOU LIKE THE EXECUTIVE CHAIR PLACED?

AT THE END OF THE
TABLE OR IN THE MIDDLE?

I SHALL SIT IN THE
MIDDLE. MISS BELFRIDGE

- WILL SIT AT THE END
AND TAKE THE MINUTES.
- FORWARD, WARWICK.



- COFFEE ALL ROUND?
- YES.

COME ALONG, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, MISS BRAHMS

AND YOU, SPOONER.

THIS IS A THINK-TANK MEETING
AND IT WAS CALLED FOR 8:30.

THIS MEETING ALSO INCLUDES
MR. HUMPHRIES AND MRS. SLOCOMBE.

UNTIL THEY ARRIVE, I HAVE NO
INTENTION OF DISCUSSING ANYTHING.

8:32, WHERE CAN THEY BE?

IT'S NOT LIKE MRS.
SLOCOMBE TO BE LATE.

DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU? SHE AND
MR. HUMPHRIES WENT TO A PARTY LAST NIGHT.

- IT WAS FANCY DRESS.
- SHE NEVER INVITED ME!

SHE THOUGHT YOU
WERE TOO POSH FOR IT.

IF I WAS TOO POSH FOR IT WHY
WEREN'T SHE TOO POSH FOR IT?

SHE DOESN'T GET ASKED VERY OFTEN
SO SHE HAS TO TAKE WHAT SHE CAN GET.

WHAT DID SHE GO AS?



I'VE NO IDEA,

BUT I KNOW SHE GOT SOME OF HER
OUTFIT FROM BATHROOM FITTINGS.

PROBABLY WENT AS AN OLD BOILER.

MR. HARMAN, I
STRONGLY DISAPPROVE

OF YOU MAKING DISPARAGING
REMARKS ABOUT SENIOR SALESPERSONS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE IS HIGHLY REGARDED
BOTH BY MYSELF AND MY WHOLE DEPARTMENT.

I SECOND THAT.

BLIMEY! COCHISE AND HIAWATHA.

I'M SO SORRY WE'RE
LATE FOR THE MEETING.

- BUT ME AND MR. HUMPHRIES
NEVER GOT HOME LAST NIGHT.
- WHAT HAPPENED?

I BORROWED MY MOTHER'S
LITTLE THREE-WHEELER.

WE HAD TO GO TO
THIS PARTY IN PECKHAM.

AND WE COULDN'T GO ON THE
BUS BECAUSE IT WAS FANCY DRESS.

I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT
WAS A PUNK AND FUNK PARTY.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY A
GANG OF HELLS ANGELS

FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND
THEY BESIEGED THE HOUSE.

AND WE COULDN'T LEAVE.
SO EARLY THIS MORNING,

MR. HUMPHRIES SHINNED
DOWN A DRAINPIPE

AND RAN OFF TO
ATTRACT A POLICEMAN.

WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH
TROUBLE DRESSED LIKE THAT.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT, THERE
WASN'T A POLICEMAN IN SIGHT.

I WENT UP TO THIS MAN, I SAID, "ARE
THERE ANY POLICE AROUND HERE?"

HE SAID NO AND
HANDED ME HIS WALLET.

HE RUSHED OFF DOWN THE STREET.

I CHASED HIM FOR
ABOUT HALF A MILE.

WHEN I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM I
WAS SURROUNDED BY POLICE VANS

- AND I HAD A LOT
OF EXPLAINING TO DO.
- WHICH IS WHY WE'RE LATE.

I CAN'T DELAY THIS MEETING ANY LONGER, I
HAVE TO SEE MR. GRACE IN A FEW MINUTES.

WELL, HAVEN'T WE TIME TO JUST
CHANGE INTO SOMETHING FROM STOCK?

ONCE I'VE HEARD YOUR
IDEAS, THEN YOU MAY CHANGE.

YOU WERE RIGHT, I
WAS TOO POSH FOR IT.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S MY MOTHER'S CB RADIO.

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE LIKE THIS AT HOME
SO WE CAN KEEP IN TOUCH WITH EACH OTHER.

BUT I BROUGHT IT IN FROM THE CAR
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT TO GET STOLEN.

( humming )

PLEASE, CAN WE
START THIS MEETING?

NOW, VERY BRIEFLY AND TO RECAP,

SALES ARE DOWN
TO A CRITICAL LEVEL.

WE NEED NEW IDEAS TO BOOST THEM.

MR. GRACE, AS YOU
KNOW, WAS CONSIDERING

TAKING TIME ON
COMMERCIAL TELEVISION BUT...

All: THE COST WAS TOO HIGH.

SO WE DECIDED TO USE
COMMERCIAL RADIO INSTEAD.

I HOPE YOU'VE ALL DONE
YOUR HOMEWORK ON THIS

AS I HAVE TO PLACE OUR
COLLECTIVE IDEAS BEFORE MR. GRACE.

SO, WHAT HAVE YOU COME UP WITH?

I THOUGHT A BARGAIN SALE.

THAT'S NOT VERY ORIGINAL.

I SAID I'D THOUGHT OF IT.

THEN I THOUGHT, "I'M
NOT ON COMMISSION,

SO WHY SHOULD I BOTHER
RACKING MY BRAINS

TO TRY TO PREVENT
SOMETHING THAT'S INEVITABLE?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, IF THIS DEPARTMENT
GOES DOWN, WHAT WILL YOU DO?

PROBABLY SALUTE.

- ( phone ringing )
- OH, SEE WHO THAT IS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, DID YOU HAVE ANY TIME
LAST NIGHT TO CONSIDER OUR PROBLEM?

WELL, NO. I WAS TOO BUSY
GETTING INTO MY GEAR.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF COMING
IN EARLY WITHOUT ANY IDEAS?

YOU DID.

IT'S MR. GRACE. HE WANTS YOUR
IDEAS ON A RADIO COMMERCIAL NOW.

BUT I HAVEN'T... I MEAN
WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY.

- OH!
- YOU'VE GOT AN IDEA?

NO, NO, NO, BUT I'VE JUST THOUGHT
I OUGHT TO RING MY NEIGHBOR

AND ASK HER TO
LOOK IN ON MY PUSSY.

SHE'LL BE VERY, VERY WORRIED

BECAUSE I WASN'T
HOME ALL LAST NIGHT.

YOU'LL BE HOME ALL DAY WITH YOUR
CAT IF THIS DEPARTMENT CLOSES.

AT THE MOMENT OUR VERY EXISTENCE
DEPENDS UPON ONE GOOD IDEA.

WELL?

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, SURELY
SOMEONE'S GOT AN IDEA.

Man on CB: Hello out
there, this is Big Red

and I'm driving a 20-tonner
down the North Way.

Is Little Boy Blue receiving me?

LOUD AND CLEAR, BUT I CAN'T TALK
TO YOU NOW 'CAUSE I'M AT WORK.

OVER AND OUT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOUR WHOLE
LIFESTYLE NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.

WHO WAS THAT?

WELL, IT'S VERY LONELY
OUT ON THE OPEN ROAD.

YOU CAN GET IN CONTACT
WITH ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

THIS HAS GOT A VERY LONG RANGE.

THAT WAS AN
ARTICULATED LORRY DRIVER.

I THOUGHT HE SPOKE WELL.

DO YOU KNOW, MR. HUMPHRIES,
THAT IS JUST WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

YOU'LL HAVE TO HURRY UP,
HE'S HEADING FOR DOVER.

NO, NO, NO, I MEAN
FOR OUR COMMERCIAL.

WE'LL DO IT ON CB RADIO
AND IT WON'T COST ANYTHING.

I'M SURE IT'S AN IDEA I
CAN SELL TO MR. GRACE.

WELL DONE TEAM. COME
ALONG, MISS BELFRIDGE.

WELL, WHILE I'VE GOT TIME,

I'M GOING TO PAM'S PANTRY
FOR A DECENT CUP OF COFFEE.

WELL, YOU SAVED THE
DAY, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- WELL, IT COULD WORK.
- WHAT'S ITS RANGE?

WITH LARGER
BATTERIES, WHO KNOWS?

OH COME ON, LET'S HAVE A GO.

YES, GO ON, LET'S
SEE WHO WE CAN FIND.

RIGHT, THEN. THERE YOU
ARE, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

OH, WHAT DO I SAY?

- JUST GIVE THEM YOUR HANDLE
AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.
- OH, RIGHT.

HELLO, CB BUFFS. BIG
BERT SPOONER HERE.

IF THERE'S ANYBODY
OUT THERE, COME IN.

Woman: Hello, Mr. Spooner.

Could you tell me a
bit more about yourself?

OH YEAH, I'M TALL,
DARK AND HANDSOME.

And where do you
live, Mr. Spooner?

WELL, BABY, BEFORE I GIVE
YOU THE ADDRESS OF MY PAD

WITH ITS LOW LIGHTS
AND SEXY SOUNDS,

I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE
ME YOUR HANDLE

AND A QUICK RUNDOWN
ON YOUR VITAL STATISTICS.

I'm blonde, 5'10", big blue eyes

and weigh 120 pounds.

JUST WHAT I'M LOOKING
FOR. WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING?

I'm in a blue panda police car

and we're proceeding in
the direction of your voice.

( siren wailing )

OH, YOU'VE TWIDDLED THE
KNOBS ONTO THE POLICE BAND.

I DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T
INTERFERE WITH MY EQUIPMENT,

- YOU'LL GET US ARRESTED.
- YEAH, TRUST YOU TO SPOIL IT.

OH, AND I NEVER
HAD A GO. OH, GO ON.

OH YEAH, THEY WON'T FIND
US NOW IT'S BEEN TURNED OFF.

RIGHT, GO ON. YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

HELLO, BREAKER, BREAKER.

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE

WHO WISHES TO SPEAK
TO ANYONE IN HERE?

Man: Hello, can you
hear me above the roar

of this big smokey I'm driving?

OH YES, LOUD AND CLEAR.

- ASK HIM HIS HANDLE.
- OH YES.

HELLO, WHAT IS YOUR HANDLE?

Big Jock McGirk, and I'm driving
dynamite to a quarry at Gravesend.

OH, HOW BRAVE.

You've a bonny voice, lassie.

What's your chassis like
and what's on the clock?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WHAT HE MEANS IS, WHAT DO YOU
LOOK LIKE AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?

OH! ( laughs )

MY CHASSIS IS 38-28-38.

BUT THE M.O.T.'S RUN OUT.

MY AGE IS A SECRET,

BUT IT'S WELL UNDER
THE SPEED LIMIT.

Is that on the open
road or in a built-up area?

IN A BUILT-UP AREA, OF COURSE.

Oh, you sound bonny.

- DON'T HE SOUND NICE?
- A LOT OF THEM ARE.

OH I CAN JUST IMAGINE HIM WITH
HIS BIG, MUSCLEY, TATTOOED ARMS

WRESTING WITH HIS STEERING WHEEL
AND SITTING ON ALL HIS DYNAMITE.

LITTLE KNOWING HE'S TALKING TO THE
OLDEST PUNK ROCKETTE IN THE WORLD.

OH SHUT UP. I'M ENJOYING IT.

- Have you got any hobbies?
- OH YES.

- GARDENING.
- Oh, gardening, aye.

AND THE OCCASIONAL
FLUTTER AT THE BINGO.

Bingo, aye.

AND I MAKE ALL MY OWN MARMALADE.

- Quite the homebody.
- OH I AM.

AND I KNIT ALL MY OWN JUMPERS.

OH YES, AND I'VE JUST
FINISHED THE BEDSPREAD.

BLIMEY, SHE'LL BE TELLING
HIM ABOUT HER CAT NEXT.

OH YES, YES! ON THE
MANTELPIECE IN MY PARLOR

I'VE GOT A WHOLE
ROW OF SILVER CUPS.

- Oh, and what are they for?
- THEY'RE FOR MY PUSSY.

DO YOU KNOW, IT WINS A
PRIZE EVERY TIME I SHOW IT?

- ( tires screeching )
- HELLO?

- YOO-HOO, BREAKER.
- ( explosion )

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

I THINK HE'S PULLED
OFF FOR A COFFEE.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

I HEAR MR. GRACE WENT OVERBOARD
WHEN HE HEARD ABOUT YOU LOT

DOING YOUR
COMMERCIAL FOR CB RADIO.

THAT'S 'CAUSE IT
DON'T COST NOTHING.

THERE'S A STRONG
RUMOR IN PACKING

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO A
SORT OF "MRS. DALE'S DIARY"

TO ATTRACT ATTENTION AND
THEN POP INTO COMMERCIAL.

WELL, WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY
DECIDED ON A STORY YET.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE
TRYING TO WORK ON NOW.

WELL, AS I GATHER YOU'RE BEING
OFFERED A TENNER PER EPISODE,

I THOUGHT I'D PUT MY LITERARY
TALENTS AT YOUR DISPOSAL.

THERE'S ONE OR TWO STORIES
ABOUT THIS PLACE I COULD TELL YOU.

I THINK WE CAN MANAGE
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

THERE'S ONE PARTICULAR
ONE ABOUT A FLOORWALKER

TRAPPED IN THE LIFT

WITH A CERTAIN MISS
JOHNSON OF NOVELTY CANDLES

THAT HAS HITHERTO BEEN UNTOLD.

WELL, OF COURSE IF WE DO
NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ANY WAY

WE'LL OF COURSE LET YOU KNOW.

YES, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

WHO WAS HE TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

AND RATHER THAN INDULGE
IN IDLE SPECULATION,

I SUGGEST THAT WE CONCENTRATE ON
THINKING OF A SUBJECT OF GENERAL INTEREST

THAT WILL ATTRACT
LISTENER ATTENTION.

YEAH, A SORT OF
ENGLISH "DALLAS,"

FULL OF SEX AND INTRIGUE.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT ONE.

- WHAT'S IT CALLED?
- "GRANGE HILL."

HOW ABOUT A SORT OF
"BRIDESHEAD REVISITED"?

- IT'S TOO POSH.
- WELL, FOR YOU PERHAPS.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH HEARING

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

'ERE, ARE YOU
SUGGESTING I'M COMMON?

( laughing ) I'M SIMPLY SAYING
THAT WE ARE A GREAT NATION

WITH A GREAT LANGUAGE
WHICH IS INTERNATIONAL.

WE HAVE THE FINEST CLASSICAL
WRITERS IN THE WORLD.

SO, WHY DON'T WE
DO SOMETHING LIKE...

WELL, "THE FORSYTHE SAGA"?

YOU COULD ALWAYS PLAY A SKIVVY.

HE'S ALWAYS SAYING
THINGS TO ME LIKE THAT

BECAUSE HE KNOWS I LIVE
IN A SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE.

HE THINKS EVERYONE'S
COMMON BUT HIM.

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T.
WILL YOU CALM DOWN?

IT'S NO GOOD US ARGUING
AMONGST OURSELVES.

I'M SURE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

AND YOU KNOW, IN
"UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS"

SOME OF THE BEST
PARTS WERE DOWNSTAIRS.

WHY DON'T WE DO THAT? WE
COULD ALL BE DOWNSTAIRS

AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
COULD BE UPSTAIRS.

I CAN TALK POSH IF I WANT TO.

AND IF HE KEEPS GOING ON AT ME, I
SHALL FINISH MY DINNER AT ANOTHER TABLE.

LUNCH. IN ENGLAND
WE CALL IT LUNCH.

IF ENGLAND'S THE GREAT COUNTRY
YOU'VE CRACKED IT UP TO BE,

HOW COME WE'VE ALL GOT INFLATION

AND STRIKES AND
RAIN ALL THE TIME?

HMM? WHAT'S SO
GREAT ABOUT ENGLAND?

I SHALL TELL YOU WHAT IS GREAT
ABOUT ENGLAND, MISS BRAHMS.

IT IS THE ONE GREAT COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD THAT ISN'T SEMI-DETACHED.

RIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M GOING TO PUT MY
OWN STORY IN AND GET THAT TENNER.

WELL IF WE'RE NOT
ALL TOGETHER ON THIS,

I'VE GOT A GOOD IDEA TO DO MY
OWN AS WELL. ALL I NEED IS A TITLE.

HOW ABOUT "THE FURTHER
ADVENTURES OF CORKY THE CAT"?

RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE MY
DINNER AT ANOTHER TABLE.

WELL, I DID HAVE
THE GERM OF AN IDEA,

BUT IF WE'RE NOT ALL
GOING TO POOL OUR NOTIONS,

I THINK I SHALL GO TO
THE LADIES RESTROOM

AND HAVE A COGITATE.

WELL, WE SEEM TO HAVE
LOST BARBARA CARTLAND.

IT LOOKS LIKE JUST YOU AND ME.

PERHAPS NOT EVEN THAT MANY.

I THINK MY ARMY CAREER,
PARTICULARLY THE DESERT CAMPAIGN

WOULD MAKE A QUITE
ABSORBING STORY,

WHICH WOULD RUN TO A
GREAT NUMBER OF EPISODES.

OH, I'M SURE IT WOULD.
AFTER ALL, IT'S A LONG WAY

FROM A CORPORAL IN THE PIONEER
CORPS TO "BRIDESHEAD REVISITED."

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- I KNOW.

I SHALL GO AND HAVE MY
DINNER AT ANOTHER TABLE.

AH, PEACOCK, HOW ARE THE
IDEAS COMING? THICK AND FAST?

WE'VE ELECTED TO MAKE
INDIVIDUAL SUBMISSIONS, SIR.

OH EXCELLENT. I'LL SEE YOU IN
MY OFFICE ON MONDAY AT 5:00.

THAT WILL GIVE MISS BELFRIDGE
TIME TO READ THE SUBMISSIONS.

- MISS BELFRIDGE?
- OH YES.

- SHE HAS AN O-LEVEL IN ENGLISH
LITERATURE, HAVEN'T YOU?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE.

OH THANK YOU, STEVE.

ENJOY YOUR DINNER.

DINNER.

OH YES, MR. GRACE, I'M SURE
MY DEPARTMENT CAN DO IT.

YOU LOVE THE IDEA? OH GOOD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

- THE LITERARY GIANTS
IS OUTSIDE, SIR.
- SHOW THEM IN.

- MR. RUMBOLD WILL SEE YOU NOW.
- COME ON, LADIES.

I MUST SAY, I AM VERY IMPRESSED WITH
THE GENERAL QUALITY OF THE SUBMISSIONS.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- OF COURSE WE ONLY PAY
ON ACCEPTANCE.

BUT AT £10 A TIME, IF
THE IDEA TAKES OFF,

THAT COULD AMOUNT TO A
VERY CONSIDERABLE SUM.

AND IN ADDITION, THERE
WILL BE A PERFORMING FEE.

- HOW MUCH?
- WELL THAT DEPENDS ON
THE SIZE OF YOUR PART.

YOU SHOULD DO WELL.

- IGNORE HIM.
- I AM.

MISS BELFRIDGE HAS EVALUATED
EACH STORY IN ORDER OF MERIT.

WE HAVE SOME UNSUSPECTED
TALENT IN OUR MIDST.

OF COURSE, WE CAN
ONLY DO ONE STORY.

NOW, WE START WITH MR. SPOONER.

MISS BELFRIDGE HAS
GIVEN YOU TWO STARS.

SUBJECT MATTER GOOD, SCIENCE
FICTION IS ALWAYS POPULAR,

"E.T." AND ALL THAT
SORT OF THING.

BUT, WE FOUND THE PLOT
RATHER FAR-FETCHED.

WHAT'S SO FAR-FETCHED
ABOUT A GOVERNMENT

UNDER THE CONTROL
OF A GIANT ALIEN JELLY

HIDING IN THE DIRECTORY
ENQUIRIES SECTION OF THE G.P.O.?

RATHER FLIMSY.

YOU EVER TRIED RINGING DIRECTORY
ENQUIRIES? THEY NEVER ANSWER, WHY?

'CAUSE THE JELLY'S BEEN
THERE SO LONG IT'S SET.

EXACTLY.

NOW, MISS BRAHMS, WE DON'T SEEM
TO HAVE RECEIVED YOUR SUBMISSION.

OH, I'VE GOT IT HERE. IT'S
THE STORY OF A COMMON GIRL

WHO IS REJECTED BY HER TITLED SUITOR
BECAUSE OF HER POOR BACKGROUND.

THAT HAS THE RING OF TRUTH.

YES, BUT SHE GETS HER REVENGE
WHEN SHE WINS THE POOLS,

RUINS HIM ON THE STOCK
MARKET AND REDUCES HIM TO LIVING

IN A SEMI-DETACHED
HOUSE IN SURBITON.

IT'S A BIT OF AN ANTICLIMAX.

BUT IN EPISODE TWO, HE ESCAPES,
JOINS THE FOREIGN LEGION,

GETS CAPTURED AND SOLD AS A SLAVE
TO A MALE HAREM IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

WHAT UTTER POPPYCOCK.

THERE ARE NO MALE
HAREMS IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

OH, I COULD MAKE IT WATFORD.

NO, NO, MUCH TOO FANCIFUL.

AH, NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I MUST SAY, I FOUND
THIS QUITE GOOD.

OH, IT JUST FLOWED OUT
OF ME WHEN I GOT STARTED.

- DID IT?
- YES.

"CONTINENTAL JOURNEY."

IT'S THE STORY OF AN
ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE

WHO TOOK UP TRUCK DRIVING
TO AUGMENT HER INCOME.

I FOUND SOME OF THE
ADVENTURES WITH HITCHHIKERS

A BIT RACY, TO SAY THE LEAST.

TOUCH OF THE HAROLD ROBBINS.

AH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE IAN FLEMING BIT

WHEN SHE FOILS THE HIJACKERS
WHO ARE ABOUT TO STEAL

HER CONSIGNMENT OF
HOMEMADE MARMALADE?

YES, BUT...

THE HEROINE OUGHT TO BE AT LEAST 30
YEARS YOUNGER TO MAKE IT BELIEVABLE.

SHE TAKES A HERBAL BATH
ON NEARLY EVERY PAGE.

A LOT OF MEN PREFER OLDER WOMEN.

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THAT
JOAN COLLINS IN THAT "DYNASTY"?

YES, BUT SHE DOESN'T JUMP OUT
OF TRUCKS AT 80 MILES AN HOUR

WITH A SPANNER IN ONE HAND SHOUTING, "HAND
OVER YOUR SMOKEY OR I'LL PUT THE BOOT IN."

NO, NO, BUT I THINK IT'S
WORTH SEVEN MARKS.

OH NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHAT STYLE, WHAT IMAGINATION,

WHAT ORIGINALITY,
WHAT INGENUITY.

- WHAT'S ALL THAT BLUE PENCIL?
- THAT'S THE BITS WE CAN'T USE.

WELL WHAT'S LEFT?

THE TITLE, "NELLY THE
NAUGHTY NUN" AND YOUR NAME.

I'M GOING TO SEND
THAT TO RADIO 4.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE
THAT ISN'T IN A DICTIONARY.

YEAH, BUT NOT ALL
ON THE SAME PAGE.

YES, WELL NOW WE COME
TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

AND AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT,

HE'S GIVEN US AN ERUDITE
STORY OF ARMY LIFE.

THANK YOU, SIR.
YEAH, I'M CONFIDENT

THAT ONE CAN FEEL
THE HEAT AND THE FLIES.

ONE CAN SMELL THE
BAZAARS. ONE CAN...

ONE CAN SHARE THE AGONY AND
ECSTASY OF THE HERO'S REMARKABLE STORY

OF THE WAY HE CHANGED THE
COURSE OF WORLD HISTORY.

OH, IT'S A BRILLIANT
PIECE OF WRITING.

THANK YOU, MY DEAR.

BUT AS MISS
BELFRIDGE POINTED OUT,

MERELY COPYING T.E. LAWRENCE
VERBATIM IS NOT QUITE WHAT WE WANTED.

WELL, I DID MAKE
CERTAIN CHANGES.

YES, "PEACOCK OF ARABIA"
WAS NOT QUITE ENOUGH.

WELL LOOK, I'VE GOT SEVEN
POINTS SO DOES THAT MEAN I'VE WON?

NO, NO, WE'VE HAD A SUBMISSION
WHICH HAD ALL THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS.

A SORT OF "TOM JONES" FULL OF
ADVENTURE AND SEX AND EXCITEMENT.

- WHO WROTE THAT?
- MR. HARMAN OF PACKING. QUITE THE TALENT.

- ( grumbling )
- NO, NO, NO.

YOU WILL ALL BE THE STARS
PLAYING ALL THE PARTS.

I SHOULD COCOA.

I'M NOT DOING HIS STUFF
WHEN MINE'S BETTER.

NO, IF MY NELLY'S
NOT IN, I'M OUT.

- THAT GOES FOR ME TOO.
- HEAR, HEAR.

- THERE'S £100 IN IT.
- All: YOU'RE ON.

RIGHT, WE'RE ALL SET.

RIGHT, THANK YOU.

THAT WAS THE COSTUME PEOPLE.

THEY WANT THEIR
PUNK OUTFITS BACK.

WE CAN'T BE BOTHERED
WITH THAT NOW.

I HOPE YOU'VE GOT A
GOOD IDEA OF YOUR PARTS.

DO TRY TO TURN
THE PAGES QUIETLY.

I NOTICE THE SQUIRE
HASN'T GOT MUCH TO SAY.

IF YOU DON'T WISH
TO BE THE SQUIRE

WHO IS KEEN ON THE
WENCHES, THEN I'LL PLAY IT.

MIND YOU, I SHALL WANT
EXTRA FOR CHARACTER WORK.

NO, NO. I THINK I'VE
FOUND THE VOICE FOR IT.

HOW'S THIS?

( rough voice ) RIGHT,
YOUNG JIM LAD,

IF I CATCH YOU
ROUND MY LITTLE NELL

I'LL HORSEWHIP YOU
WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE.

WELL, IF WE HAD A PARROT WE
COULD DO "TREASURE ISLAND."

COULD YOU TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE
BIT? IT WANTS A BIT MORE UPPER-CLASS.

AH.

( snobbish voice ) IF I CATCH
YOU ROUND MY LITTLE NELL,

I'LL HORSEWHIP YOU
WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE.

I'D PREFER SOMETHING IN
THE MIDDLE, BUT NEVER MIND.

NOW WHERE'S LITTLE NELL,
THE SQUIRE'S DAUGHTER?

- I'M HERE.
- MRS. SLOCOMBE?

IT'S ONLY OUR VOICES,
THEY CAN'T SEE US.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
AND I SOUND JUST LIKE

A YOUNG, INNOCENT COUNTRY GIRL.

- AN ACTING FEAT INDEED.
- YES.

I'D HAVE THOUGHT
I'D HAVE BEEN BETTER.

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE
BUSTY SAL THE BARMAID

WHO IS IN LOVE WITH JIM.

WHO, WE FIND OUT AS
OUR STORY UNFOLDS,

HAS GOT IDEAS ABOVE HIS STATION.

CAN WE GET ON? IT WILL
SOON BE MY COFFEE BREAK.

YES, RIGHT. TAKE ONE.

( classical music playing )

THE LADIES AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT
OF GRACE BROTHERS IN THE HIGH STREET

PRESENT FOR THE
FIRST TIME ON CB RADIO,

"THE ADVENTURES OF JIM"...

OH AAR, OH AAR, OH AAR.

A LUSTY COUNTRY BOY.

THE YEAR IS 1642 IN THE VILLAGE
OF BOBINGTON-IN-THE-MARCH.

SMUGGLING IS RIFE AND BEHIND IT
THE RED-FACED SQUIRE DUNWELL.

- PLAYED BY STEPHEN PEACOCK.
- WHO IS ALSO THE VICAR.

ALSO PLAYED BY STEPHEN PEACOCK.

JIM IS THE SON OF A BLACKSMITH.

HE IS BETROTHED TO SALLY SPARKS,
THE BUSTY BARMAID AT THE GOLDEN POT.

HELLO.

BUT SECRETLY JIM IS
HAVING A CLANDESTINE AFFAIR

WITH SIMPLE NELL, THE
SQUIRE'S DAUGHTER WHO...

JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE.

- WHEN ARE WE GOING TO START?
- WHEN I POINT TO YOU.

NOW I SHALL HAVE TO
TURN ALL THIS BACK AGAIN.

HOW MUCH LONGER ARE
WE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT?

- I HAVE TO SET THE PLOT.
- CAN'T YOU ABBREVIATE IT?

VERY WELL.

SO, WITHOUT FURTHERMORE ADO,

LET'S GO BACK TO RURAL ENGLAND

WHERE THE BAD-TEMPERED
SQUIRE IS LEADING THE HUNT.

( trumpeting )

OH HARK, I HEAR A DISTANT
HORN. THE HUNT IS OFF.

- ( hoofbeats )
- TALLY-HO, VIEW-HALLOO.

DON'T FALL OFF, DADDY.

HELLO, LITTLE NELL.

LET ME HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS.

OH, HAVEN'T YOU GOT A WHOPPER?

CUT!

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS. "OH,
HAVEN'T YOU GOT A WHOPPER?"

NO, NO, NO, YOU'VE
TURNED OVER TWO PAGES.

THAT'S WHEN HE'S OUT FISHING
AND HE PULLS OUT THE BIG PIKE.

MR. HARMAN, CUT YOUR COCONUTS.

WHAT?

( trumpeting )

MR. HARMAN, WHEN I GO LIKE THAT,

IT MEANS CUT YOUR NUTS, RIGHT?

WHEN I START IT UP AGAIN

YOU FADE THEM AWAY
GRADUALLY INTO THE DISTANCE.

GOOD.

RIGHT, GO.

RIGHT, LITTLE NELL,
ALONE AT LAST.

GIVE US A KISS.

OH NO, SOMEONE MIGHT SEE.

COME INTO THE BARN WITH ME.

NO, IT'S ALL MUDDY

AND MY DAINTY
SHOES WILL BE RUINED.

I'LL PICK YOU UP.

( groaning )

OW!

JUST A FEW STEPS THROUGH THE
MIRE AND WE'LL BE THERE, MY LOVE.

( sloshing )

JUST A FEW STEPS.

BE GENTLE, LAD.

I'LL PUT YOU DOWN ON
HERE ON THIS STRAW HERE.

( thumps )

MR. HARMAN!

MEANWHILE, THE
SQUIRE IS RIDING OFF

AT BREAKNECK
SPEED AFTER THE FOX.

- ( coconuts clapping )
- TALLY-HO AND VIEW-HALLOO.

- IS THAT ALL I SAY?
- CUT!

OF COURSE IT IS, YOU'RE TOO
BUSY RIDING TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE.

NOW HURRY UP OR
THE FOX WILL ESCAPE.

OH! TALLY-HO AND VIEW-HALLOO.
TALLY-HO AND VIEW-HALLOO.

TALLY-HO AND
VIEW-HALLOO. TALLY-HO...

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE
BARN ROLLING IN THE HAY.

- WHEN IS IT GOING
TO BE MY TURN?
- CUT!

YOU SHOULD READ THE DIRECTIONS. THIS
IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING.

MR. HARMAN, STAND BY. RIGHT.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE BARN

JIM IS GIVING NELL A
TENDER LOVING KISS.

( sucking sound )

CUT.

THAT IS NOT THE NOISE
WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

NO, WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER
IF WE JUST KISSED PROPERLY?

QUITE CLOSE UP TO THE MIC?

ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE SQUEEGEE?

OH, THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA. WE'LL TRY THAT.

RIGHT, STAND BY, READY?

IT WAS A KISS THAT
WENT ON FOREVER.

( squishing sound )

HE SOUNDS AS
THOUGH HE'S DRIBBLING.

CUT!

WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO INTERRUPT,
WILL YOU GIVE A SIGNAL OR SOMETHING?

I HAVE TO KEEP
RUNNING THIS BACK.

I WOULDN'T LET ANYBODY
KISS ME WHAT KISSED LIKE THAT.

JUST PUT BOTH YOUR LIPS CLOSE TO
THE MICROPHONE AND DO IT YOUR WAY.

READY, GO.

( smacking )

NELL FELT THE PASSION
RISING IN HER VEINS.

AT LAST, SHE WAS ALONE
WITH THE MAN SHE LOVED.

WHEN DO I GET A GO?

YOU'RE IN THE BAR
AT THE GOLDEN POT

PULLING THE SQUIRE A PINT.

HE'S POPPED IN FOR A
CHAT AND LOST THE FOX.

WE'RE COMING TO
YOU IN A MINUTE. RIGHT.

WHILST OVER IN THE DOG AND POT
THE SQUIRE HAS STOPPED FOR A PINT

AND HE GAZES ADMIRINGLY

AS BUSTY SAL BENDS
OVER TO PULL A PINT.

TALLY-HO AND VIEW-HALLOO.

THAT'S NOT THE LINE YOU SAY.
IT'S DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE.

OH I'M SORRY, I FORGOT.

YOU'RE OFF YOUR
HORSE NOW, YOU SEE?

I TELL YOU, IT'S A GOOD
JOB I'M QUICK ON THIS,

OTHERWISE THERE'D BE
A LOT OF EDITING TO DO.

RIGHT, NOW THEN,

SPECIAL EFFECTS PULLING
THE PINT, MR. HARMAN.

READY, GO.

( splashing )

I BET YOU WERE DYING
FOR THAT, SQUIRE.

I WAS.

CUT!

MR. HARMAN, COULD WE
HAVE A SHORTER POUR PLEASE?

NOW READY WITH THE BEER, GO.

( splashes )

DID I ORDER A PINT OR A BUCKET?

THAT WAS SPECIAL
EFFECTS. DON'T GO ON AT ME.

- LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THE LITTLE GIRLS ROOM.
- YEAH, ME AND ALL.

NOBODY'S GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL WE'VE
DONE ALL THIS AGAIN. IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, AGAIN?
- I HAVE TO KEEP RUNNING
THIS BACK.

- BUT THAT'S ONLY A RECORDING.
- THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GOING
TO BROADCAST.

BROADCAST? WE'RE CONNECTED
UP TO THE OUTSIDE NOW.

- YOU MEAN ALL THAT
WENT OUT ON THE AIR?
- YEAH, UP UNTIL NOW.

ANYWAY, IT'S MY COFFEE BREAK.

I'VE JUST HAD A CALL FROM MARY
WHITEHOUSE, SHE SOUNDS RATHER UPSET.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I BLAME
YOU DIRECTLY FOR THIS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS
GOING OUT ON THE AIR.

ALL THE TRAFFIC'S STOPPED OUTSIDE.
THE ROAD'S BLOCKED WITH LORRIES

AND THE DRIVERS ARE ALL
FIGHTING TO GET INTO THE BUILDING.

- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
- LEAVE IT TO US.

MR. RUMBOLD, MR. GRACE FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
TO BEGIN, SIR. WHAT?

OH, YOU CAN'T WAIT
FOR EPISODE TWO?

I SEE, YES, SLIGHTLY
RISQUE I AGREE, SIR,

BUT MY IDEA DOES SEEM
TO HAVE PUT US ON THE MAP.

YES, THANK YOU, SIR.

WELL, MR. GRACE SEEMS
NOT ENTIRELY DISPLEASED,

BUT THEN HE HASN'T SEEN THE SORT OF
CUSTOMERS YOU APPEAR TO HAVE ATTRACTED.

- I'M NOT SERVING A LOAD
OF ROUGH LORRY DRIVERS.
- THEY'LL TEAR THE PLACE APART.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO HANDLE THEM.
WHERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE AND MR. HUMPHRIES?

DON'T WORRY, BIG BETTY
AND LITTLE BOY BLUE

WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

ALL RIGHT, LADIESWEAR
ON THE RIGHT

AND I DON'T WANT ANY AGRO OR YOU'LL BE
CARRIED BACK TO YOUR SMOKEY, FEET FIRST.

( deep voice ) AND THAT
GOES FOR ME, TOO.

NOT QUITE THE ESTABLISHMENT
I THOUGHT IT WAS, ROGER.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, BARNABAS.

HERE, LET'S GO TO HARRODS.

( cash register rings )
HEY, NO, COME BACK.

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪