Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 1 - The Sweet Smell of Success - full transcript
Grace Brothers are trying to cut down on costs, which means nobody is allowed to use the lifts outside opening hours and the staff have to pay for any lunch except the sloppiest, most common one. Therefore, the clothes department staff decide to all share the proceeds from selling Mrs. Slocombe's home-made perfume. At first, they try to keep it a secret from Mr. Rumbold, but after he has found out, he actually approves of the selling of the perfume. As he catches a cold and goes home, Captain Peacock temporarily takes over his duties and his office, joining his young secretary in making labels for the perfume bottles. However, his wife shows up, convinced he is having an affair with the secretary.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪
♪ IF I RULED THE WORLD ♪
♪ EVERY DAY WOULD BE
THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING ♪
♪ ARTHUR SCARGILL
WOULD BE LIVING IN PEKING ♪
♪ IF I RULED THE WORLD ♪
( humming )
MR. HARMAN, MR. HARMAN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF MOTHS IN THIS IRISH,
ONE OF THEM FEMALE
AND THE OTHER'S MALE
AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THEY'RE NOT IN RESIDENCE
LONG ENOUGH TO START A FAMILY!
PUT IT BACK AT ONCE. ONLY FLOOR
PERSONNEL ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH DISPLAY.
YES, SIR. CERTAINLY, SIR.
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR. RIGHT.
CAN'T YOU EVEN PUT A
WIG ON THE RIGHT WAY?
BLIMEY, YOU ARE IN A
BAD MOOD THIS MORNING.
I AM CERTAINLY NOT
IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.
I HAD TO WALK UP THE STAIRS, FOR
SOME REASON THE LIFTS AREN'T WORKING.
THAT'S MR. GRACE'S ORDERS, SIR.
DUE TO THE INCREASE
OF ELECTRICITY PRICES,
HE HAS DECREED THAT THE LIFT IS
FOR THE USE OF CUSTOMERS ONLY
NOT TO BE USED BY MERE
STAFF JOYRIDING UP AND DOWN.
AND IN HIS ECONOMY DRIVE, HE
HAS SACKED ELSIE OF CLEANING,
WHICH IS WHY I ARE DOING THE
WORK OF TWO PAIRS OF HANDS.
GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.
EXCUSE ME PANTING, BUT
THE LIFTS ARE NOT WORKING.
GOOD MORNING, MISS BELFRIDGE.
THIS IS MR. HARMAN OF MAINTENANCE.
THIS IS MISS BELFRIDGE,
MY NEW SECRETARY.
HANG YOUR COAT
UP AND I'LL JOIN YOU
WHEN I'VE ADJUSTED
THIS WIG PROPERLY.
I PREFER YOU AS YOU ARE, SIR.
I THINK BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY.
- NO, HE MEANS ON THERE,
NOT ON THERE.
- OH, PARDON ME!
COR, BLIMEY! YOU
DON'T HALF PICK 'EM.
WHERE DO YOU GET HER?
PAGE THREE OF "THE SUN"?
THAT WILL DO, MR. HARMAN.
- MISS BELFRIDGE STOOD OUT
FROM ALL THE OTHER APPLICANTS.
- I'M NOT SURPRISED.
BLIMEY, THE LOST TRIBE!
MR. RUMBOLD, I HAVE A COMPLAINT
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS.
WE'VE BEEN STOOD,
STANDING, WAITING DOWNSTAIRS
FOR THAT LIFT, AND
IT WASN'T WORKING.
AND WE'VE HAD TO WALK
UP ALL THOSE STAIRS
AND I'M FAIR PUFFED!
YEAH. OLD MACHINERY
THAT'S BROKEN DOWN
OUGHT TO HAVE A SIGN
SAYING, "OUT OF ORDER."
YOU SHOULD HAVE TWO SIGNS, ONE FOR
THE LIFT, AND ONE FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MR. SPOONER, IF YOU'RE CHEEKY
TO ME DURING WORKING HOURS
YOU CAN EXPECT A REPRIMAND,
HOWEVER, ANY OF YOUR
LIP BEFORE WE OPEN,
AND YOU'LL GET MY
UMBRELLA UP YOUR HOOTER!
( bell rings )
AS THAT WAS THE OPENING BELL,
A REPRIMAND IS ALL WE CAN ALLOW.
YES, SIGN THE BOOK, AND
GET TO YOUR COUNTERS.
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
HE WAS WITH US, BUT HE WENT OFF.
- WENT OFF?
- HE SAID HE COULDN'T
CLIMB ALL THOSE STAIRS,
- IT WOULD RUIN
THE CREASE IN HIS TROUSERS.
- NEVER HEARD SUCH NONSENSE.
YOU STILL HAVEN'T EXPLAINED
WHY THE LIFTS AREN'T WORKING.
MR. HARMAN, COME AND EXPLAIN
TO MRS. SLOCOMBE, WILL YOU?
YEAH, APPARENTLY, DUE
TO THE ECONOMIC CLIMATE,
PLUS OPEC "VASKICILLATING,"
RESULTING IN THE PRICES
OF GENERAL FUEL INCREASING,
WE IN GRACE BROTHERS
ARE SAVING ELECTRICITY
BY USING THE LIFT
ONLY FOR CUSTOMERS.
WHICH IS WHY THEY AIN'T BEEN
SWITCHED ON UNTIL THIS MOMENT IN TIME.
IF WE CAN'T USE THE
LIFTS, NEITHER CAN YOU.
I'M MAINTENANCE.
I'VE GOT TO TEST IT.
AND I'M NOW GOING TO TEST IT TO
MAKE SURE IT GETS ME TO THE CANTEEN
IN TIME FOR MY COFFEE BREAK.
HAVE A NICE DAY!
MR. RUMBOLD, I
MUST SPEAK TO YOU.
THERE'S A MAN IN
A BLUE OVERCOAT,
- LOOKING THROUGH
THE WINDOW OF YOUR OFFICE.
- WHAT'S SO STRANGE ABOUT THAT?
HE'S OUTSIDE AND WE'RE
ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.
GOOD HEAVENS!
- WHO WAS THAT?
- HIS NEW SECRETARY.
I BET THEY'RE PAYING HER
OUT OF THE ELECTRICITY BILL.
BLUE OVERCOAT!
MR. HUMPHRIES!
HE'S NEVER CLIMBED
THAT DRAINPIPE?
NOT IN THOSE TROUSERS.
I CAN'T GET IT OPEN!
WELL HURRY UP BEFORE HE FALLS.
- WHAT'S HOLDING HIM UP?
- HE WAS ON A YOGA COURSE
LAST WEEK,
PERHAPS HE'S LEVITATED HIMSELF.
AND ABOUT TIME TOO! DO YOU
KNOW, IT'S VERY DRAFTY OUT HERE.
UP A BIT, GEORGE.
THAT'S AS FAR AS I GO.
THANKS FOR THE LIFT.
THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR.
I WAS ONLY USING MY INITIATIVE.
I KNEW THAT THE OUTSIDE OF
THE BUILDING WAS BEING PAINTED
AND AFTER A LITTLE LIGHT BANTER
WITH THE WORKMEN EVERY MORNING,
I TOOK THE ADVANTAGE OF
THEIR KIND OFFER OF A LIFT.
Mrs. Slocombe: THERE'S WHITE
PAINT ON THE BACK OF YOUR COAT.
THAT MUST'VE BEEN
WHERE I LOST MY NERVE
AND HE TRIED TO STEADY ME.
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE
NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS...
AND HE WAS WELL
OVER 6 FOOT TALL.
MR. SPOONER, IF YOU'RE
TO SIT WITH SENIOR STAFF,
LET IT BE UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU
SPEAK ONLY WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO.
YEAH, OTHERWISE
YOU SIT ON YOUR TODD.
- I HOPE THAT'S CLEAR?
- IT IS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- GOOD.
- IT'S A PLEASURE.
- AND DON'T HAVE
THE LAST WORD.
- MY APOLOGIES.
I SAID...
DON'T HAVE THE LAST WORD.
I'M HAVING THE LAST WORD!
WHAT WAS THE LAST
WORD? I FORGET.
I'VE JUST SAID IT.
WAS THAT YOUR LAST WORD?
YES IT WAS!
GOOD. PERHAPS WE CAN ORDER NOW.
- OOH!
- DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
- WHERE'S THE MENU?
- OH, WE DON'T NEED IT.
CALL THE MANAGERESS OVER.
MOST OF THE MENU'S ON HER PINNY.
I'LL ATTRACT HER ATTENTION.
SHE'S VERY TOUCHY,
DON'T ANTAGONIZE HER.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO
TREAT STAFF, MISS BRAHMS.
( clears throat )
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
GETTING THROUGH.
MISS? EXCUSE ME, MISS?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY A
BREAD ROLL IN HER EAR?
THIS IS QUITE INTOLERABLE.
( clears throat ) WERE YOU AWARE
THAT I WAS SITTING THERE
CLICKING MY FINGERS,
CLEARING MY THROAT,
AND BANGING MY SPOON?
I DID NOTICE IT, YEAH.
AND WHAT MESSAGE DO
THOSE ACTIONS CONVEY TO YOU?
WELL, WHEN MY
TWO-YEAR-OLD DOES IT,
IT USUALLY MEANS HE
WANTS TO GO TO THE POTTY.
YOUR INSUBORDINATION
AND TRUCULENT ATTITUDE
HAVE NOT GONE UNNOTICED
AND WILL BE REPORTED.
GOOD, THAT'S WHAT I
HOPED. THEN PERHAPS
THE GOVERNORS WILL REALIZE THAT
TAKING AWAY MY SERVING WAITRESS
WILL CAUSE MORE TROUBLE THAN
IT'S WORTH 'CAUSE I'M NOT SERVING.
- AND MY UNION
WON'T LET ME BE FIRED.
- UNION? WHAT UNION?
NATIONAL ASSOCIATED CANTEEN
EMPLOYEES RESTAURANT AND DOMESTIC.
"KNACKERED," I
MIGHT HAVE GUESSED.
CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL
ME WHAT WE CAN EAT...
AND WHERE AND HOW WE FIND IT,
OR AREN'T YOU PROGRAMMED
TO GIVE AN INTELLIGENT REPLY?
- I'M HAPPY TO TELL YOU
THE SUBSIDY IS OFF.
- HMM?
SO UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO
PAY EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM PRICES,
YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE
DO WITH A SET MENU.
- WE'RE GETTING
SOMEWHERE ANYWAY.
- AND HOW DO WE GET THAT?
BY RINGING THAT BELL OVER THERE.
HANDS UP FOR THE EXECUTIVE
LUNCH AT EXECUTIVE PRICES.
HANDS UP FOR THE SET LUNCH.
( bell rings )
THESE ECONOMY CUTS ARE TOO MUCH.
DON'T WORRY, THE
SET LUNCH IS FREE.
OH, WELL, THAT'LL
MAKE IT TASTE BETTER.
( Mr. Harman singing )
DON'T BE TOO HASTY.
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ AND NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHERS, CAN
YOU SPARE A DIME? ♪
WHAT'S IN THERE?
THE MANAGEMENT IS DUTY-BOUND
TO FEED YOU WITH SOMETHING,
BUT THEY WOULD PREFER
YOU TO PAY THE FULL WHACK
AND HAVE THE A LA
CART. I'M NOT COMPLAINING
'CAUSE I GET A FEW EXTRA PERKS
BLACKLEGGING FOR THE WAITRESS.
WHAT'S THAT FOR?
THESE SOUP FUMES
ARE VERY CORROSIVE.
AND MY UNION WOULD NOT
ALLOW ME TO ENDANGER MY HEALTH.
THEY INSIST I WEAR INDUSTRIAL
GLOVES FOR ASBESTOS
AND ONE OF THESE
FOR SOME OF THAT.
PLATE, PLEASE!
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- "PLATE, PLEASE!"
All: ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN ♪
♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHER, CAN
YOU SPARE A DIME? ♪
WHAT SOUP IS THIS?
( muffled )
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID HE DOESN'T KNOW
BUT THE BUCKET'S ONLY
INSURED FOR ONE HELPING.
THEY CAN HAVE MINE BACK.
I'LL JUST HAVE A COFFEE.
- THAT GOES FOR ALL OF US.
- IT'S NOT SO BAD, REALLY.
HINT OF CURRY
POWDER, BIT OF CHICKEN
FIGHTING WITH A
DISSOLVED OXO CUBE,
TWO NOODLES FLOATING AND
WHAT COULD BE A CABBAGE LEAF.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT SMELLS
WORSE THAN WHAT IT TASTES.
IT COULD BE CHINESE.
YEAH, THE MING DYNASTY.
THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET US
TO PAY MORE BY PUTTING US OFF IT.
HEY, WHAT ELSE IS
ON THIS SET MENU?
THAT'S IT.
THEY RECKON A WEEK OF THAT
AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE IN.
♪ OH, ONCE I BUILT
ANOTHER RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN MADE IT
RACE AGAINST TIME... ♪
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SORT OF
STUFF WE HAD DURING THE WAR.
WE HAD TO MARCH ACROSS
THE DESERT ON THIS.
IF YOU WAIT TILL IT CONGEALS,
YOU COULD DRIVE A TANK ACROSS IT.
WHAT WITH THE WAGE
CUTS AND THE WAGE FREEZE
WE'LL ALL BE ON OUR UPPERS.
IF THINGS DON'T PICK UP SOON,
I'LL HAVE TO START A SIDELINE.
OH, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'VE ALREADY GOT ONE.
- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S SOMETHING I DO AT HOME.
THAT NARROWS IT
DOWN A BIT, DOESN'T IT?
IT'S TO DO WITH NATURE.
OH, MY HEAD'S BEGINNING
TO SPIN. GIVE US A CLUE.
I MAKE MY OWN PERFUME.
OH, YOU NEVER TOLD ME!
I'VE BEEN EXPERIMENTING
FOR YEARS.
I LOVE THE AROMA OF FLOWERS.
AND WHEN I SMELL
THEM ABOUT THE HOUSE,
IT MAKES ME FEEL
ALL LIGHT AND GAY.
OH.
COME TO THINK OF IT, MY
MOTHER USED TO TAKE ME
TO THE BOTANICAL GARDENS
A LOT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.
SHE'S GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR.
HOW DO YOU HOPE TO MAKE
MONEY WITH HOMEMADE PERFUME?
AH, WELL, I'VE MIXED HERBS
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS
EVER MIXED BEFORE.
AND I'VE COME UP WITH SOMETHING
THAT ATTRACTS THE OPPOSITE SEX.
WHICH OPPOSITE SEX?
WELL, WHICHEVER
SEX IS WEARING IT,
IT ATTRACTS THE OPPOSITE.
AND DOES IT REALLY WORK?
WELL, I INADVERTENTLY
DROPPED SOME ON MY PUSSY
AND THERE WERE TOMCATS
THROWING THEMSELVES
AGAINST MY CAT
FLAP ALL NIGHT LONG.
- WHAT ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS?
- WELL, ME AND MRS. AXELBY
HAVE GIVEN IT EXHAUSTIVE
TESTS IN THE PUB.
AND WHENEVER WE HAVE JUST A
LITTLE TOUCH BEHIND THE EARS,
THE MEN CROWD ROUND
US AND BUY US DRINKS.
- NO.
- YES.
AND THEY ALL SAY,
"WHAT'S THAT SMELL
THAT'S DRIVING US MAD?"
I THOUGHT MRS. AXELBY HAD
GIVEN UP SMOKING CIGARS.
HERE, YOU COULD MAKE A
FORTUNE FLOGGING THAT.
I KNOW. AND THE
INGREDIENTS ARE SO SIMPLE.
APART FROM MY
SECRET INGREDIENT "X,"
IT JUST CONSISTS OF PANTHER'S
BREATH, AND HONEYSUCKLE
AND A COMPOT OF
ROSES AND WILD THYME.
AND WELL, I THOUGHT
THAT IF WE COULD SELL IT
HERE ACROSS THE COUNTER
WE MIGHT MAKE
QUITE A LOT OF MONEY.
- RUMBOLD WOULD
NEVER ALLOW IT.
- WE WON'T TELL RUMBOLD.
WE'LL KEEP IT A SECRET.
SET IT UNDER THE COUNTER.
IT WOULDN'T BE A
SECRET IF I SOLD IT.
THE MINUTE I MENTIONED
A SPECIAL OFFER
OF ROSES AND WILD
THYME UNDER THE COUNTER,
IT WOULD BE ALL
AROUND THE BUILDING.
BRING SOME IN TOMORROW
AND LET'S HAVE A SNIFF.
BEARING IN MIND THAT RUMBOLD
WOULD NEVER ALLOW ME
TO ALLOW YOU TO
SELL IT ON THE FLOOR.
UNLESS YOU WAS GIVEN
A CUT OF THE PROFITS.
WELL, WE WOULD HAVE
TO CONVINCE MR. RUMBOLD
THAT IT ACTUALLY WORKED.
THAT IS TO SAY THAT
AT THE VERY LEAST
IT WAS FOUND TO BE
ATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I DON'T MIND BEING A GUINEA PIG.
IF I CAN ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE
SEX, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN IT.
MISS BELFRIDGE,
TWO MINUTES LATE.
I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT A BAD
COLD AND I OVERSLEPT.
YOU'RE LUCKY,
MR. RUMBOLD ISN'T IN YET
AND I WON'T TELL
HIM THAT YOU'RE LATE.
THAT SHALL BE OUR SECRET.
( chuckles ) ALL THE
CHARM OF CARY GRANT.
AND NEARLY THE SAME AGE.
THANK YOU, MR. PEACOCK.
EH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
BUT YOU MAY CALL ME STEPHEN.
OH, THANKS, STEVE.
COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE, HURRY
UP. THE STORE'S BEEN OPEN TWO MINUTES.
WELL, I HAD TO BRING IN A
WHOLE JUGFULL OF THE STUFF
AND A CRATE OF BOTTLES,
SO I HAD TO TAKE A TAXI.
- THEN YOU SHOULD
HAVE BEEN ON TIME.
- A TRAFFIC LIGHT WASN'T WORKING
AND BY THE TIME IT STARTED
THERE WAS £3 ON THE CLOCK
AND I HAD TO GET A BUS.
YEAH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, HAVE YOU ASKED
RUMBOLD YET ABOUT SELLING THE PERFUME?
NO, HE'S BUSY SHOWING
MISS BELFRIDGE THE ROPES.
I BET SHE CAN'T TYPE WITH
MORE THAN ONE FINGER.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MY WIFE
SAID WHEN I SHOWED HER THE PHOTO.
WHAT PHOTO?
OH, IN THE SENIOR
STAFF MAGAZINE.
HERE. "MENSWEAR NEWS."
"MISS B. BELFRIDGE
WINS TOP POSITION
AS C. RUMBOLD'S TEMPORARY
SECRETARY." LOOK.
Miss Brahms: SHE'S IN
A BATHING COSTUME.
Mrs. Slocombe: JUST.
WELL, IT DOES LIVEN UP AN OTHERWISE
ABYSMALLY DULL PUBLICATION.
I BET OLD JUG-EARS DIDN'T
DARE SHOW THAT TO HIS MISSUS.
NOT IF HE HAS ANY SENSE.
MINE WAS EVEN WORRIED THAT
SHE WAS ON THE SAME FLOOR AS ME.
WELL, YOU DO HAVE QUITE
A REPUTATION, STEPHEN.
( chuckles )
WELL, YOU USED TO.
I CAN'T CONTAIN
MYSELF ANY LONGER.
HAVE YOU GOT A DROP OF
THE MAGIC ELIXIR WITH YOU?
- YEAH, SHE'S GOT
A CASE OF IT HERE.
- CAN I HAVE A SNIFF?
THE STORE IS OPEN,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND YOUR PLACE IS
BEHIND YOUR COUNTER.
I BROUGHT A FREE SAMPLE FOR
YOUR WIFE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
AND THERE'S NO
CUSTOMERS HERE YET.
OH, VERY WELL.
"PANTHER'S BREATH"? ARE
YOU SURE ABOUT THE NAME?
OH, IT'S ONLY A WORKING TITLE.
AND IT'S NOT EASY
FINDING A NAME...
ESPECIALLY ONE THAT
APPLIES TO BOTH SEXES.
WHY DON'T YOU USE
SEPARATE LABELS
AND CALL IT "HIS AND HERS"?
WHAT ABOUT, "ADAM AND EVE"?
THAT SUGGESTS TEMPTATION.
THEN YOU COULD ADD, "STRAIGHT
FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN."
( giggles )
OOH! ( coughs )
ENOUGH OF THAT, YOU'LL GET
CHUCKED OUT OF ANYWHERE.
NO, YOU ONLY WANT
JUST A LITTLE TINY
DAB BEHIND THE EARS.
- LIKE THAT.
- OH, LET'S HAVE A SNIFF.
MMM, IT SMELLS A BIT CHEMICALS.
THAT'S MY PERM.
TRY LOWER DOWN.
OH, YES, IT'S EVER SO SUBTLE.
GIVE US YOUR WRIST.
MMM, IT SMELLS QUITE
DIFFERENT OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
THE QUESTION IS, DO
YOU FIND IT IRRESISTIBLE
AS CLAIMED BY MRS. SLOCOMBE?
NOT IRRESISTIBLE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
BUT, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE
AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREET.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M NOT
THE AVERAGE MAN ANYWHERE.
CAN I FLOG IT, THEN?
NOT UNTIL I'M CONVINCED THAT IT HAS
THE IRRESISTIBLE EFFECT THAT YOU CLAIM.
AH, NOW, I'D LIKE A BRIGADE TIE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
FIRE OR AMBULANCE?
MR. SPOONER, I'LL TAKE OVER.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AND
SLEEVE SOME JACKETS?
AND MAKE SURE ALL THE
SIZES ARE IN THE RIGHT ORDER.
I SAW HIM FIRST. HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO GET ANY COMMISSION
- IF I CAN'T SERVE?
- JUNIORS HAVE
THE SECOND CUSTOMERS.
- SIR, WHAT WILL IT BE TODAY?
- IT WILL BE TOMORROW
IN A MINUTE.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. WE DO HAVE
TO KEEP THESE YOUNGSTERS IN CHECK.
I QUITE AGREE.
PITY THEY DISCONTINUED
NATIONAL SERVICE.
THAT'S THE STUFF TO GIVE THEM.
OH, YES, UP AT 6:00
IN THE MORNING,
COLD SHOWER, HIKE
FOR 30 MILES IN FULL KIT,
GROVELING THROUGH
THE UNDERGROWTH
WITH ONLY A COMPASS AND
YOUR INITIATIVE TO GET YOU HOME.
( chuckles ) YOU WERE
IN THE ARMY THEN?
NO, I WENT ON A PACKAGE
HOLIDAY TO BENIDORM.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROVE
THAT MY PERFUME DOES
WHAT IT SAYS IT DOES
IF WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
SELL IT OVER THE COUNTER?
DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I RANG THIS FRIEND OF MINE
AND ASKED HIM IF HE'S
GOT TIME TO COME IN
HAVE A SNIFF AND
PRETEND TO BUY SOME.
THAT WILL CONVINCE PEACOCK
AND HE'LL TELL RUMBOLD.
OH, WELL DONE.
AS LONG AS PEACOCK DOESN'T
TWIG THAT IT'S A SET-UP.
NO, NO, NO, MY FRIEND'S AN ACTOR
SO HE'LL BE ABLE
TO CARRY IT OFF.
AND IF THERE'S OTHER CUSTOMERS
ABOUT, THEY'LL BUY SOME IN ALL.
I BETTER FILL A FEW MORE
BOTTLES IN CASE THERE'S A RUSH.
HAS MRS. SLOCOMBE
GOT SIZE 40 KNICKERS?
HOW DARE YOU!
THAT HAS NOTHING TO
DO WITH MAINTENANCE.
HOW ABOUT SIZE 42
BEAUTY BELLE BRA?
YOU'RE ASKING FOR A
CLIP ROUND THE EAR!
I AM MERELY OBEYING ORDERS.
THE FACTORY HAVE FOUND THE BULK OF THE
AFOREMENTIONED GOODS WITH FAULTY ELASTIC.
AND ALL STOCKS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT
IN IN CASE THERE'S AN ACCIDENT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?
GIVE HIM WHAT HE
WANTS, MISS BRAHMS,
WHILE I FILL A FEW MORE BOTTLES.
PHEW!
WHAT'S THAT PONG?
OH, IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PERFUME
FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN.
BLIMEY, SHE'S EVEN OLDER
THAN I THOUGHT SHE WAS.
MISS BRAHMS, GIVE HIM
THE BEAUTY BELLE BRAS
AND LET'S SEE THE BACK OF HIM.
WE'VE SOLD THEM ALL, EXCEPT
FOR THAT ONE ON THE BUST.
IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT TO ME.
IT APPEARS TESTS HAVE PROVED
THAT THE ELASTIC PERISHES
AFTER THREE WEEKS.
THAT'S BEEN ON THERE FOUR WEEKS
AND IT'S STILL IN
PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
IN THAT CASE, YOU WON'T MIND
IF I GIVE IT THE OLD
VIBRATION TEST, WILL YOU?
THIS SIMULATES AN EXPRESS
TRAVELING OVER THE
POINTS AT ST. PANCRAS.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
PONG AROUND HERE?
IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
HOMEMADE PERFUME.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO
ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX.
DOES IT WORK?
DOES IT DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?
- NAH.
- OH, THERE'S HOPE
FOR ME YET.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
CUSTOMER UP TO OVER THERE?
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, I'VE COME TO BUY SOMETHING
FOR ONE OF MY LADY FRIENDS
AND JUST ABOUT HERE I SMELT...
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY, REALLY.
BUT IT'S SOME FRAGRANCE WHICH
HAS A MAGIC ALL OF ITS OWN...
SOMETHING FAMILIAR, YET ELUSIVE.
YES, AND IT GETS
STRONGER AS I MOVE
IN THIS DIRECTION.
AH, IT'S GETTING STRONGER NOW.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OVER HERE.
- WHAT IS IT?
- £2 A BOTTLE.
"ADAM AND EVE," OUR LATEST LINE.
- IT'S A HIS
AND HERS PERFUME.
- JUST WHAT I NEED.
I'M AFRAID WE ONLY HAVE
A VERY LIMITED SUPPLY.
- I'LL TAKE HALF A DOZEN.
- DONE, HANG ON.
THAT WILL BE £12.
I'M SORRY, SOME OF THE BOTTLES
DON'T HAVE LABELS ON THEM.
- BUT WE'VE ONLY
JUST GOT THEM IN.
- THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
THERE.
MAY I HAVE ONE FINAL SNIFF?
OH, HELP YOURSELF.
IT'S AROUND THERE, SOMEWHERE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE A
VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
DON'T OVERDO IT.
MAY I AT LEAST ASK YOUR NAME?
I'M AFRAID WE'RE NOT
ALLOWED TO GIVE NAMES,
BUT I AM ASSISTANT 193 SHOULD
THERE BE ANY COMPLAINTS.
NO COMPLAINTS.
JUST A HAPPY MEMORY
OF A BRIEF ENCOUNTER
WHICH I SHALL REMEMBER
AS I SIT ON THE ROOF TERRACE
OF MY PENTHOUSE IN KENSINGTON.
- DID YOU SEE THAT?
- I DID.
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO HAVE THREE
DOZEN BOTTLES TO GIVE THEM A TRY.
AND SOME BLOKE ACTUALLY
KISSED MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT REALLY TURNED HIM ON.
BETTER MAKE THAT FOUR
DOZEN, BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
I'VE JUST RUNG MY FRIEND,
BUT THERE WAS NO REPLY.
OH, HE'S BEEN IN. HE
WENT A BIT OVER THE TOP,
BUT I DON'T THINK
ANYBODY NOTICED.
NOW, I MUST HAVE SOME MORE
LABELS TYPED FOR THE BOTTLES.
- SO WOULD YOU
SEE TO IT...?
- YES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, IF
SEEING IS BELIEVING,
YOUR PERFUME CERTAINLY
DOES ALL YOU CLAIM... AND MORE.
OH, IT'S LIKE THAT
EVERY NIGHT IN THE PUB.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MY JUNIOR AND MYSELF
THINK WE'D BE MISSING A
VERY GOOD OPPORTUNITY
IF WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO
SELL MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PERFUME.
- SO, COULD YOU ASK MR. RUMBOLD
FOR HIS PERMISSION?
- I WILL.
AND I TAKE IT THAT OUR
PERSONAL ARRANGEMENT
OVER THE PROFITS STILL STANDS?
BROWNIE'S HONOR.
AS I UNDERSTAND IT, PEACOCK,
YOU RECOMMEND THIS
PRODUCT FOR A TRIAL PERIOD.
I DO, SIR. IT HAS MY
COMPLETE BACKING.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU MAKING FIRM,
DECISIVE DECISIONS.
THIS INDICATES
MANAGEMENT MATERIAL.
AND I CAN CONFIDE IN YOU
THAT I SOON MAY BE UP THERE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
JUST A BAD COLD, SIR.
( coughing )
- I MEAN UP THERE
IN THE BOARDROOM.
- OH.
THEY'RE VERY PLEASED UP THERE
WITH THE WAY I'VE BEEN RUNNING MY JOB
AND RUNNING TOILETRIES IN THE
ABSENCE OF MR. FEATHERSTONE.
I SINCERELY HOPE YOU
GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, SIR.
AND AS MY COLD HAS
RESULTED IN A TEMPERATURE,
I'M LEAVING YOU IN CHARGE HERE.
( coughs ) I CAN'T
THINK HOW I GOT IT.
- ( sneezes )
- NEITHER CAN I, SIR.
MR. HUMPHRIES CAN TAKE OVER
THE FLOOR IF YOU SO DESIRE
AND I SHALL EXPECT YOU TO
ANSWER THE PHONE IF IT RINGS.
IS THAT ALL?
OH, WHEN ONE IS AT THE HELM,
ALL ONE HAS TO DO IS TO
STEER A STRAIGHT COURSE.
ANYTHING YOU WANT TYPED,
JUST GIVE IT TO
MISS BELFRIDGE...
LETTERS, PRICE TAGS,
LABELS, THAT SORT OF THING.
( chuckles ) WHAT
IT IS TO BE THROWN
INTO THE HURLY-BURLY
OF THE MANAGERIAL WORLD.
YOU'LL SOON GET THE HANG OF IT.
- ALLOW ME, SIR.
- ( coughing )
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
MOVE A BIT FURTHER AWAY?
NO, I'M REASONABLY IMMUNE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL
GET TO LIKE IT, SIR.
- I'M SURE I WILL.
- ( phone rings )
MENSWEAR.
THIS IS ASSISTANT 4711 SPEAKING.
HELLO, MRS. PEACOCK.
I'M AFRAID CAPTAIN PEACOCK
ISN'T ON THE FLOOR AT THE MOMENT.
YOU'LL BE TRAVELING
HOME WITH HIM.
OH, I'LL TELL HIM.
HE'S WORKING IN MR. RUMBOLD'S
OFFICE AT THE MOMENT
AS MR. RUMBOLD HAS
BEEN STRUCK DOWN.
YES. GIRL? WHAT GIRL?
OH, MISS BELFRIDGE?
YES, YES, IN
MR. RUMBOLD'S ABSENCE
BELFRIDGE WILL BE DIRECTLY
UNDER CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU'RE COMING UP. I SEE.
WHERE ARE YOU? ON
THE GROUND FLOOR.
I'LL TELL HIM.
- WHAT'S UP?
- GREEN-EYED PEACOCK
SHOULD NEVER HAVE
SHOWN THAT PHOTOGRAPH
TO MRS. PEACOCK IN THE
STAFF MAGAZINE. HOLD THE FORT.
ONLY A FEW MORE
LABELS, MISS BELFRIDGE.
SORRY I'M SO SLOW.
THERE ARE RATHER A LOT OF
KEYS FOR ONE LITTLE FINGER.
- ( knocking )
- COME IN.
SO YOU CAN SEE HOW
THE HIERARCHY LIVE,
I'VE BROUGHT YOU TWO
CUPS OF EXECUTIVE TYPHOO
AND A PLATE OF MIXED
ASSORTED BISCUITS.
JUST PUT IT DOWN AND GO.
OH YES, MY LORDS.
( screams )
MR. HUMPHRIES, WHAT
ARE YOU PLAYING AT?
- Harman: PHEW!
- MY TROUSERS ARE SOAKING!
AND MY DRESS!
IT'S MRS. PEACOCK. SHE
TELEPHONED. SHE'S ON HER WAY HERE.
- WHERE FROM?
- DOWNSTAIRS.
GOOD GOD! GET ME SOME OTHER
TROUSERS WHILE I GET THESE OFF.
- I'LL JUST TAKE
YOUR INSIDE LEG.
- IT'S 32 AND HURRY!
ALL RIGHT!
I'LL OPEN THE WINDOW. MAKE THE
PLACE SMELL LESS LIKE A "HAREME."
YOU, GET IN THE CUPBOARD.
BUT IT'S ONLY MY FIRST WEEK.
HIS WIFE'S A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.
IF SHE SMELLS THE SAME
PERFUME ON YOU AS ON HIM,
YOU'LL BE FRONT PAGE OF
"THE NEEDLE AND CUTTER."
- GET IN THE CUPBOARD.
- HURRY!
- HARMAN, GET RID OF THOSE!
- YEAH, RIGHT.
HERE, HOLD THOSE.
HERE, PUT THESE ON. SHE'S
JUST GETTING OUT OF THE LIFT.
THEY'VE STILL GOT THE PRICE
TAGS ON! WHERE ARE THE SCISSORS?
WHOOO-EEEE! UP A BIT,
GEORGE, I'VE GOT A CUSTOMER.
YOU CHANGE OUT ON THE LEDGE
IN CASE SHE COMES CHARGING IN.
OH, YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
YOUR TROUSERS!
BLOODY FOOL!
THEY'VE GONE DOWN...
Mrs. Peacock: STEPHEN, I WANT
TO SEE YOU OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!
HE'S JUST CHECKING HIS
STOCK, MRS. PEACOCK!
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
IT'S MY AFTERSHAVE.
- WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
- HE'S JUST CHECKING
THE WINDOW DISPLAYS
ON THE GROUND FLOOR.
WE USE THIS APPARATUS
FOR SPEED AND EFFICIENCY.
I'LL GET HIM FOR YOU. CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT, YES.
MRS. PEACOCK TO SEE YOU.
OH, WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
AS YOU SEE, DARLING,
I'M ALL ALONE AND
UP TO MY EARS IN IT.
- ( Miss Belfridge sneezes )
- IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE UP
TO YOUR NECK IN IT.
- ( sneezes )
- OH!
STEPHEN!
GROUND FLOOR AND HURRY!
YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT I CANNOT ALLOW
THE SALE OF YOUR
HOMEMADE PERFUME.
THIS AFTERNOON'S EPISODE
HAS SET MY MARRIAGE BACK
AND ALSO MY CAREER.
- ( phone rings )
- SO MUCH FOR MY SIDELINE.
SUCH A SHAME. AND IT
REALLY WORKED ON THAT MAN.
OH, NO, HE WAS JUST
A FRIEND OF MISS BRAHMS.
HE WAS PAID TO ACT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
( hangs up phone )
THAT WAS THAT
ACTOR FRIEND OF MINE.
HE SAID HE WAS SORRY
HE COULDN'T COME IN
BUT HE HAD TO GO
FOR AN AUDITION.
- THAT MEANS THAT...
- HE REALLY WAS.
OH, AND HE WAS SO HANDSOME AND
I LET HIM SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS.
DO YOU THINK THAT'LL CARRY TO
A ROOF TERRACE IN KENSINGTON?
- NO, BUT THIS MIGHT.
- COME ON.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪
♪ IF I RULED THE WORLD ♪
♪ EVERY DAY WOULD BE
THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING ♪
♪ ARTHUR SCARGILL
WOULD BE LIVING IN PEKING ♪
♪ IF I RULED THE WORLD ♪
( humming )
MR. HARMAN, MR. HARMAN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF MOTHS IN THIS IRISH,
ONE OF THEM FEMALE
AND THE OTHER'S MALE
AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THEY'RE NOT IN RESIDENCE
LONG ENOUGH TO START A FAMILY!
PUT IT BACK AT ONCE. ONLY FLOOR
PERSONNEL ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH DISPLAY.
YES, SIR. CERTAINLY, SIR.
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR. RIGHT.
CAN'T YOU EVEN PUT A
WIG ON THE RIGHT WAY?
BLIMEY, YOU ARE IN A
BAD MOOD THIS MORNING.
I AM CERTAINLY NOT
IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.
I HAD TO WALK UP THE STAIRS, FOR
SOME REASON THE LIFTS AREN'T WORKING.
THAT'S MR. GRACE'S ORDERS, SIR.
DUE TO THE INCREASE
OF ELECTRICITY PRICES,
HE HAS DECREED THAT THE LIFT IS
FOR THE USE OF CUSTOMERS ONLY
NOT TO BE USED BY MERE
STAFF JOYRIDING UP AND DOWN.
AND IN HIS ECONOMY DRIVE, HE
HAS SACKED ELSIE OF CLEANING,
WHICH IS WHY I ARE DOING THE
WORK OF TWO PAIRS OF HANDS.
GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.
EXCUSE ME PANTING, BUT
THE LIFTS ARE NOT WORKING.
GOOD MORNING, MISS BELFRIDGE.
THIS IS MR. HARMAN OF MAINTENANCE.
THIS IS MISS BELFRIDGE,
MY NEW SECRETARY.
HANG YOUR COAT
UP AND I'LL JOIN YOU
WHEN I'VE ADJUSTED
THIS WIG PROPERLY.
I PREFER YOU AS YOU ARE, SIR.
I THINK BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY.
- NO, HE MEANS ON THERE,
NOT ON THERE.
- OH, PARDON ME!
COR, BLIMEY! YOU
DON'T HALF PICK 'EM.
WHERE DO YOU GET HER?
PAGE THREE OF "THE SUN"?
THAT WILL DO, MR. HARMAN.
- MISS BELFRIDGE STOOD OUT
FROM ALL THE OTHER APPLICANTS.
- I'M NOT SURPRISED.
BLIMEY, THE LOST TRIBE!
MR. RUMBOLD, I HAVE A COMPLAINT
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS.
WE'VE BEEN STOOD,
STANDING, WAITING DOWNSTAIRS
FOR THAT LIFT, AND
IT WASN'T WORKING.
AND WE'VE HAD TO WALK
UP ALL THOSE STAIRS
AND I'M FAIR PUFFED!
YEAH. OLD MACHINERY
THAT'S BROKEN DOWN
OUGHT TO HAVE A SIGN
SAYING, "OUT OF ORDER."
YOU SHOULD HAVE TWO SIGNS, ONE FOR
THE LIFT, AND ONE FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MR. SPOONER, IF YOU'RE CHEEKY
TO ME DURING WORKING HOURS
YOU CAN EXPECT A REPRIMAND,
HOWEVER, ANY OF YOUR
LIP BEFORE WE OPEN,
AND YOU'LL GET MY
UMBRELLA UP YOUR HOOTER!
( bell rings )
AS THAT WAS THE OPENING BELL,
A REPRIMAND IS ALL WE CAN ALLOW.
YES, SIGN THE BOOK, AND
GET TO YOUR COUNTERS.
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
HE WAS WITH US, BUT HE WENT OFF.
- WENT OFF?
- HE SAID HE COULDN'T
CLIMB ALL THOSE STAIRS,
- IT WOULD RUIN
THE CREASE IN HIS TROUSERS.
- NEVER HEARD SUCH NONSENSE.
YOU STILL HAVEN'T EXPLAINED
WHY THE LIFTS AREN'T WORKING.
MR. HARMAN, COME AND EXPLAIN
TO MRS. SLOCOMBE, WILL YOU?
YEAH, APPARENTLY, DUE
TO THE ECONOMIC CLIMATE,
PLUS OPEC "VASKICILLATING,"
RESULTING IN THE PRICES
OF GENERAL FUEL INCREASING,
WE IN GRACE BROTHERS
ARE SAVING ELECTRICITY
BY USING THE LIFT
ONLY FOR CUSTOMERS.
WHICH IS WHY THEY AIN'T BEEN
SWITCHED ON UNTIL THIS MOMENT IN TIME.
IF WE CAN'T USE THE
LIFTS, NEITHER CAN YOU.
I'M MAINTENANCE.
I'VE GOT TO TEST IT.
AND I'M NOW GOING TO TEST IT TO
MAKE SURE IT GETS ME TO THE CANTEEN
IN TIME FOR MY COFFEE BREAK.
HAVE A NICE DAY!
MR. RUMBOLD, I
MUST SPEAK TO YOU.
THERE'S A MAN IN
A BLUE OVERCOAT,
- LOOKING THROUGH
THE WINDOW OF YOUR OFFICE.
- WHAT'S SO STRANGE ABOUT THAT?
HE'S OUTSIDE AND WE'RE
ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.
GOOD HEAVENS!
- WHO WAS THAT?
- HIS NEW SECRETARY.
I BET THEY'RE PAYING HER
OUT OF THE ELECTRICITY BILL.
BLUE OVERCOAT!
MR. HUMPHRIES!
HE'S NEVER CLIMBED
THAT DRAINPIPE?
NOT IN THOSE TROUSERS.
I CAN'T GET IT OPEN!
WELL HURRY UP BEFORE HE FALLS.
- WHAT'S HOLDING HIM UP?
- HE WAS ON A YOGA COURSE
LAST WEEK,
PERHAPS HE'S LEVITATED HIMSELF.
AND ABOUT TIME TOO! DO YOU
KNOW, IT'S VERY DRAFTY OUT HERE.
UP A BIT, GEORGE.
THAT'S AS FAR AS I GO.
THANKS FOR THE LIFT.
THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR.
I WAS ONLY USING MY INITIATIVE.
I KNEW THAT THE OUTSIDE OF
THE BUILDING WAS BEING PAINTED
AND AFTER A LITTLE LIGHT BANTER
WITH THE WORKMEN EVERY MORNING,
I TOOK THE ADVANTAGE OF
THEIR KIND OFFER OF A LIFT.
Mrs. Slocombe: THERE'S WHITE
PAINT ON THE BACK OF YOUR COAT.
THAT MUST'VE BEEN
WHERE I LOST MY NERVE
AND HE TRIED TO STEADY ME.
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE
NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS...
AND HE WAS WELL
OVER 6 FOOT TALL.
MR. SPOONER, IF YOU'RE
TO SIT WITH SENIOR STAFF,
LET IT BE UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU
SPEAK ONLY WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO.
YEAH, OTHERWISE
YOU SIT ON YOUR TODD.
- I HOPE THAT'S CLEAR?
- IT IS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- GOOD.
- IT'S A PLEASURE.
- AND DON'T HAVE
THE LAST WORD.
- MY APOLOGIES.
I SAID...
DON'T HAVE THE LAST WORD.
I'M HAVING THE LAST WORD!
WHAT WAS THE LAST
WORD? I FORGET.
I'VE JUST SAID IT.
WAS THAT YOUR LAST WORD?
YES IT WAS!
GOOD. PERHAPS WE CAN ORDER NOW.
- OOH!
- DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
- WHERE'S THE MENU?
- OH, WE DON'T NEED IT.
CALL THE MANAGERESS OVER.
MOST OF THE MENU'S ON HER PINNY.
I'LL ATTRACT HER ATTENTION.
SHE'S VERY TOUCHY,
DON'T ANTAGONIZE HER.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO
TREAT STAFF, MISS BRAHMS.
( clears throat )
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
GETTING THROUGH.
MISS? EXCUSE ME, MISS?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY A
BREAD ROLL IN HER EAR?
THIS IS QUITE INTOLERABLE.
( clears throat ) WERE YOU AWARE
THAT I WAS SITTING THERE
CLICKING MY FINGERS,
CLEARING MY THROAT,
AND BANGING MY SPOON?
I DID NOTICE IT, YEAH.
AND WHAT MESSAGE DO
THOSE ACTIONS CONVEY TO YOU?
WELL, WHEN MY
TWO-YEAR-OLD DOES IT,
IT USUALLY MEANS HE
WANTS TO GO TO THE POTTY.
YOUR INSUBORDINATION
AND TRUCULENT ATTITUDE
HAVE NOT GONE UNNOTICED
AND WILL BE REPORTED.
GOOD, THAT'S WHAT I
HOPED. THEN PERHAPS
THE GOVERNORS WILL REALIZE THAT
TAKING AWAY MY SERVING WAITRESS
WILL CAUSE MORE TROUBLE THAN
IT'S WORTH 'CAUSE I'M NOT SERVING.
- AND MY UNION
WON'T LET ME BE FIRED.
- UNION? WHAT UNION?
NATIONAL ASSOCIATED CANTEEN
EMPLOYEES RESTAURANT AND DOMESTIC.
"KNACKERED," I
MIGHT HAVE GUESSED.
CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL
ME WHAT WE CAN EAT...
AND WHERE AND HOW WE FIND IT,
OR AREN'T YOU PROGRAMMED
TO GIVE AN INTELLIGENT REPLY?
- I'M HAPPY TO TELL YOU
THE SUBSIDY IS OFF.
- HMM?
SO UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO
PAY EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM PRICES,
YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE
DO WITH A SET MENU.
- WE'RE GETTING
SOMEWHERE ANYWAY.
- AND HOW DO WE GET THAT?
BY RINGING THAT BELL OVER THERE.
HANDS UP FOR THE EXECUTIVE
LUNCH AT EXECUTIVE PRICES.
HANDS UP FOR THE SET LUNCH.
( bell rings )
THESE ECONOMY CUTS ARE TOO MUCH.
DON'T WORRY, THE
SET LUNCH IS FREE.
OH, WELL, THAT'LL
MAKE IT TASTE BETTER.
( Mr. Harman singing )
DON'T BE TOO HASTY.
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ AND NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHERS, CAN
YOU SPARE A DIME? ♪
WHAT'S IN THERE?
THE MANAGEMENT IS DUTY-BOUND
TO FEED YOU WITH SOMETHING,
BUT THEY WOULD PREFER
YOU TO PAY THE FULL WHACK
AND HAVE THE A LA
CART. I'M NOT COMPLAINING
'CAUSE I GET A FEW EXTRA PERKS
BLACKLEGGING FOR THE WAITRESS.
WHAT'S THAT FOR?
THESE SOUP FUMES
ARE VERY CORROSIVE.
AND MY UNION WOULD NOT
ALLOW ME TO ENDANGER MY HEALTH.
THEY INSIST I WEAR INDUSTRIAL
GLOVES FOR ASBESTOS
AND ONE OF THESE
FOR SOME OF THAT.
PLATE, PLEASE!
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- "PLATE, PLEASE!"
All: ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN ♪
♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪
♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪
♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪
♪ BROTHER, CAN
YOU SPARE A DIME? ♪
WHAT SOUP IS THIS?
( muffled )
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID HE DOESN'T KNOW
BUT THE BUCKET'S ONLY
INSURED FOR ONE HELPING.
THEY CAN HAVE MINE BACK.
I'LL JUST HAVE A COFFEE.
- THAT GOES FOR ALL OF US.
- IT'S NOT SO BAD, REALLY.
HINT OF CURRY
POWDER, BIT OF CHICKEN
FIGHTING WITH A
DISSOLVED OXO CUBE,
TWO NOODLES FLOATING AND
WHAT COULD BE A CABBAGE LEAF.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT SMELLS
WORSE THAN WHAT IT TASTES.
IT COULD BE CHINESE.
YEAH, THE MING DYNASTY.
THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET US
TO PAY MORE BY PUTTING US OFF IT.
HEY, WHAT ELSE IS
ON THIS SET MENU?
THAT'S IT.
THEY RECKON A WEEK OF THAT
AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE IN.
♪ OH, ONCE I BUILT
ANOTHER RAILROAD ♪
♪ MADE IT RUN MADE IT
RACE AGAINST TIME... ♪
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SORT OF
STUFF WE HAD DURING THE WAR.
WE HAD TO MARCH ACROSS
THE DESERT ON THIS.
IF YOU WAIT TILL IT CONGEALS,
YOU COULD DRIVE A TANK ACROSS IT.
WHAT WITH THE WAGE
CUTS AND THE WAGE FREEZE
WE'LL ALL BE ON OUR UPPERS.
IF THINGS DON'T PICK UP SOON,
I'LL HAVE TO START A SIDELINE.
OH, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'VE ALREADY GOT ONE.
- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S SOMETHING I DO AT HOME.
THAT NARROWS IT
DOWN A BIT, DOESN'T IT?
IT'S TO DO WITH NATURE.
OH, MY HEAD'S BEGINNING
TO SPIN. GIVE US A CLUE.
I MAKE MY OWN PERFUME.
OH, YOU NEVER TOLD ME!
I'VE BEEN EXPERIMENTING
FOR YEARS.
I LOVE THE AROMA OF FLOWERS.
AND WHEN I SMELL
THEM ABOUT THE HOUSE,
IT MAKES ME FEEL
ALL LIGHT AND GAY.
OH.
COME TO THINK OF IT, MY
MOTHER USED TO TAKE ME
TO THE BOTANICAL GARDENS
A LOT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.
SHE'S GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR.
HOW DO YOU HOPE TO MAKE
MONEY WITH HOMEMADE PERFUME?
AH, WELL, I'VE MIXED HERBS
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS
EVER MIXED BEFORE.
AND I'VE COME UP WITH SOMETHING
THAT ATTRACTS THE OPPOSITE SEX.
WHICH OPPOSITE SEX?
WELL, WHICHEVER
SEX IS WEARING IT,
IT ATTRACTS THE OPPOSITE.
AND DOES IT REALLY WORK?
WELL, I INADVERTENTLY
DROPPED SOME ON MY PUSSY
AND THERE WERE TOMCATS
THROWING THEMSELVES
AGAINST MY CAT
FLAP ALL NIGHT LONG.
- WHAT ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS?
- WELL, ME AND MRS. AXELBY
HAVE GIVEN IT EXHAUSTIVE
TESTS IN THE PUB.
AND WHENEVER WE HAVE JUST A
LITTLE TOUCH BEHIND THE EARS,
THE MEN CROWD ROUND
US AND BUY US DRINKS.
- NO.
- YES.
AND THEY ALL SAY,
"WHAT'S THAT SMELL
THAT'S DRIVING US MAD?"
I THOUGHT MRS. AXELBY HAD
GIVEN UP SMOKING CIGARS.
HERE, YOU COULD MAKE A
FORTUNE FLOGGING THAT.
I KNOW. AND THE
INGREDIENTS ARE SO SIMPLE.
APART FROM MY
SECRET INGREDIENT "X,"
IT JUST CONSISTS OF PANTHER'S
BREATH, AND HONEYSUCKLE
AND A COMPOT OF
ROSES AND WILD THYME.
AND WELL, I THOUGHT
THAT IF WE COULD SELL IT
HERE ACROSS THE COUNTER
WE MIGHT MAKE
QUITE A LOT OF MONEY.
- RUMBOLD WOULD
NEVER ALLOW IT.
- WE WON'T TELL RUMBOLD.
WE'LL KEEP IT A SECRET.
SET IT UNDER THE COUNTER.
IT WOULDN'T BE A
SECRET IF I SOLD IT.
THE MINUTE I MENTIONED
A SPECIAL OFFER
OF ROSES AND WILD
THYME UNDER THE COUNTER,
IT WOULD BE ALL
AROUND THE BUILDING.
BRING SOME IN TOMORROW
AND LET'S HAVE A SNIFF.
BEARING IN MIND THAT RUMBOLD
WOULD NEVER ALLOW ME
TO ALLOW YOU TO
SELL IT ON THE FLOOR.
UNLESS YOU WAS GIVEN
A CUT OF THE PROFITS.
WELL, WE WOULD HAVE
TO CONVINCE MR. RUMBOLD
THAT IT ACTUALLY WORKED.
THAT IS TO SAY THAT
AT THE VERY LEAST
IT WAS FOUND TO BE
ATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I DON'T MIND BEING A GUINEA PIG.
IF I CAN ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE
SEX, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN IT.
MISS BELFRIDGE,
TWO MINUTES LATE.
I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT A BAD
COLD AND I OVERSLEPT.
YOU'RE LUCKY,
MR. RUMBOLD ISN'T IN YET
AND I WON'T TELL
HIM THAT YOU'RE LATE.
THAT SHALL BE OUR SECRET.
( chuckles ) ALL THE
CHARM OF CARY GRANT.
AND NEARLY THE SAME AGE.
THANK YOU, MR. PEACOCK.
EH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
BUT YOU MAY CALL ME STEPHEN.
OH, THANKS, STEVE.
COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE, HURRY
UP. THE STORE'S BEEN OPEN TWO MINUTES.
WELL, I HAD TO BRING IN A
WHOLE JUGFULL OF THE STUFF
AND A CRATE OF BOTTLES,
SO I HAD TO TAKE A TAXI.
- THEN YOU SHOULD
HAVE BEEN ON TIME.
- A TRAFFIC LIGHT WASN'T WORKING
AND BY THE TIME IT STARTED
THERE WAS £3 ON THE CLOCK
AND I HAD TO GET A BUS.
YEAH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, HAVE YOU ASKED
RUMBOLD YET ABOUT SELLING THE PERFUME?
NO, HE'S BUSY SHOWING
MISS BELFRIDGE THE ROPES.
I BET SHE CAN'T TYPE WITH
MORE THAN ONE FINGER.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MY WIFE
SAID WHEN I SHOWED HER THE PHOTO.
WHAT PHOTO?
OH, IN THE SENIOR
STAFF MAGAZINE.
HERE. "MENSWEAR NEWS."
"MISS B. BELFRIDGE
WINS TOP POSITION
AS C. RUMBOLD'S TEMPORARY
SECRETARY." LOOK.
Miss Brahms: SHE'S IN
A BATHING COSTUME.
Mrs. Slocombe: JUST.
WELL, IT DOES LIVEN UP AN OTHERWISE
ABYSMALLY DULL PUBLICATION.
I BET OLD JUG-EARS DIDN'T
DARE SHOW THAT TO HIS MISSUS.
NOT IF HE HAS ANY SENSE.
MINE WAS EVEN WORRIED THAT
SHE WAS ON THE SAME FLOOR AS ME.
WELL, YOU DO HAVE QUITE
A REPUTATION, STEPHEN.
( chuckles )
WELL, YOU USED TO.
I CAN'T CONTAIN
MYSELF ANY LONGER.
HAVE YOU GOT A DROP OF
THE MAGIC ELIXIR WITH YOU?
- YEAH, SHE'S GOT
A CASE OF IT HERE.
- CAN I HAVE A SNIFF?
THE STORE IS OPEN,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND YOUR PLACE IS
BEHIND YOUR COUNTER.
I BROUGHT A FREE SAMPLE FOR
YOUR WIFE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
AND THERE'S NO
CUSTOMERS HERE YET.
OH, VERY WELL.
"PANTHER'S BREATH"? ARE
YOU SURE ABOUT THE NAME?
OH, IT'S ONLY A WORKING TITLE.
AND IT'S NOT EASY
FINDING A NAME...
ESPECIALLY ONE THAT
APPLIES TO BOTH SEXES.
WHY DON'T YOU USE
SEPARATE LABELS
AND CALL IT "HIS AND HERS"?
WHAT ABOUT, "ADAM AND EVE"?
THAT SUGGESTS TEMPTATION.
THEN YOU COULD ADD, "STRAIGHT
FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN."
( giggles )
OOH! ( coughs )
ENOUGH OF THAT, YOU'LL GET
CHUCKED OUT OF ANYWHERE.
NO, YOU ONLY WANT
JUST A LITTLE TINY
DAB BEHIND THE EARS.
- LIKE THAT.
- OH, LET'S HAVE A SNIFF.
MMM, IT SMELLS A BIT CHEMICALS.
THAT'S MY PERM.
TRY LOWER DOWN.
OH, YES, IT'S EVER SO SUBTLE.
GIVE US YOUR WRIST.
MMM, IT SMELLS QUITE
DIFFERENT OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
THE QUESTION IS, DO
YOU FIND IT IRRESISTIBLE
AS CLAIMED BY MRS. SLOCOMBE?
NOT IRRESISTIBLE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
BUT, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE
AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREET.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M NOT
THE AVERAGE MAN ANYWHERE.
CAN I FLOG IT, THEN?
NOT UNTIL I'M CONVINCED THAT IT HAS
THE IRRESISTIBLE EFFECT THAT YOU CLAIM.
AH, NOW, I'D LIKE A BRIGADE TIE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
FIRE OR AMBULANCE?
MR. SPOONER, I'LL TAKE OVER.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AND
SLEEVE SOME JACKETS?
AND MAKE SURE ALL THE
SIZES ARE IN THE RIGHT ORDER.
I SAW HIM FIRST. HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO GET ANY COMMISSION
- IF I CAN'T SERVE?
- JUNIORS HAVE
THE SECOND CUSTOMERS.
- SIR, WHAT WILL IT BE TODAY?
- IT WILL BE TOMORROW
IN A MINUTE.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. WE DO HAVE
TO KEEP THESE YOUNGSTERS IN CHECK.
I QUITE AGREE.
PITY THEY DISCONTINUED
NATIONAL SERVICE.
THAT'S THE STUFF TO GIVE THEM.
OH, YES, UP AT 6:00
IN THE MORNING,
COLD SHOWER, HIKE
FOR 30 MILES IN FULL KIT,
GROVELING THROUGH
THE UNDERGROWTH
WITH ONLY A COMPASS AND
YOUR INITIATIVE TO GET YOU HOME.
( chuckles ) YOU WERE
IN THE ARMY THEN?
NO, I WENT ON A PACKAGE
HOLIDAY TO BENIDORM.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROVE
THAT MY PERFUME DOES
WHAT IT SAYS IT DOES
IF WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
SELL IT OVER THE COUNTER?
DON'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I RANG THIS FRIEND OF MINE
AND ASKED HIM IF HE'S
GOT TIME TO COME IN
HAVE A SNIFF AND
PRETEND TO BUY SOME.
THAT WILL CONVINCE PEACOCK
AND HE'LL TELL RUMBOLD.
OH, WELL DONE.
AS LONG AS PEACOCK DOESN'T
TWIG THAT IT'S A SET-UP.
NO, NO, NO, MY FRIEND'S AN ACTOR
SO HE'LL BE ABLE
TO CARRY IT OFF.
AND IF THERE'S OTHER CUSTOMERS
ABOUT, THEY'LL BUY SOME IN ALL.
I BETTER FILL A FEW MORE
BOTTLES IN CASE THERE'S A RUSH.
HAS MRS. SLOCOMBE
GOT SIZE 40 KNICKERS?
HOW DARE YOU!
THAT HAS NOTHING TO
DO WITH MAINTENANCE.
HOW ABOUT SIZE 42
BEAUTY BELLE BRA?
YOU'RE ASKING FOR A
CLIP ROUND THE EAR!
I AM MERELY OBEYING ORDERS.
THE FACTORY HAVE FOUND THE BULK OF THE
AFOREMENTIONED GOODS WITH FAULTY ELASTIC.
AND ALL STOCKS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT
IN IN CASE THERE'S AN ACCIDENT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?
GIVE HIM WHAT HE
WANTS, MISS BRAHMS,
WHILE I FILL A FEW MORE BOTTLES.
PHEW!
WHAT'S THAT PONG?
OH, IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PERFUME
FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN.
BLIMEY, SHE'S EVEN OLDER
THAN I THOUGHT SHE WAS.
MISS BRAHMS, GIVE HIM
THE BEAUTY BELLE BRAS
AND LET'S SEE THE BACK OF HIM.
WE'VE SOLD THEM ALL, EXCEPT
FOR THAT ONE ON THE BUST.
IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT TO ME.
IT APPEARS TESTS HAVE PROVED
THAT THE ELASTIC PERISHES
AFTER THREE WEEKS.
THAT'S BEEN ON THERE FOUR WEEKS
AND IT'S STILL IN
PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
IN THAT CASE, YOU WON'T MIND
IF I GIVE IT THE OLD
VIBRATION TEST, WILL YOU?
THIS SIMULATES AN EXPRESS
TRAVELING OVER THE
POINTS AT ST. PANCRAS.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
PONG AROUND HERE?
IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
HOMEMADE PERFUME.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO
ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX.
DOES IT WORK?
DOES IT DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?
- NAH.
- OH, THERE'S HOPE
FOR ME YET.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT
CUSTOMER UP TO OVER THERE?
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, I'VE COME TO BUY SOMETHING
FOR ONE OF MY LADY FRIENDS
AND JUST ABOUT HERE I SMELT...
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY, REALLY.
BUT IT'S SOME FRAGRANCE WHICH
HAS A MAGIC ALL OF ITS OWN...
SOMETHING FAMILIAR, YET ELUSIVE.
YES, AND IT GETS
STRONGER AS I MOVE
IN THIS DIRECTION.
AH, IT'S GETTING STRONGER NOW.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OVER HERE.
- WHAT IS IT?
- £2 A BOTTLE.
"ADAM AND EVE," OUR LATEST LINE.
- IT'S A HIS
AND HERS PERFUME.
- JUST WHAT I NEED.
I'M AFRAID WE ONLY HAVE
A VERY LIMITED SUPPLY.
- I'LL TAKE HALF A DOZEN.
- DONE, HANG ON.
THAT WILL BE £12.
I'M SORRY, SOME OF THE BOTTLES
DON'T HAVE LABELS ON THEM.
- BUT WE'VE ONLY
JUST GOT THEM IN.
- THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
THERE.
MAY I HAVE ONE FINAL SNIFF?
OH, HELP YOURSELF.
IT'S AROUND THERE, SOMEWHERE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE A
VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
DON'T OVERDO IT.
MAY I AT LEAST ASK YOUR NAME?
I'M AFRAID WE'RE NOT
ALLOWED TO GIVE NAMES,
BUT I AM ASSISTANT 193 SHOULD
THERE BE ANY COMPLAINTS.
NO COMPLAINTS.
JUST A HAPPY MEMORY
OF A BRIEF ENCOUNTER
WHICH I SHALL REMEMBER
AS I SIT ON THE ROOF TERRACE
OF MY PENTHOUSE IN KENSINGTON.
- DID YOU SEE THAT?
- I DID.
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO HAVE THREE
DOZEN BOTTLES TO GIVE THEM A TRY.
AND SOME BLOKE ACTUALLY
KISSED MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT REALLY TURNED HIM ON.
BETTER MAKE THAT FOUR
DOZEN, BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
I'VE JUST RUNG MY FRIEND,
BUT THERE WAS NO REPLY.
OH, HE'S BEEN IN. HE
WENT A BIT OVER THE TOP,
BUT I DON'T THINK
ANYBODY NOTICED.
NOW, I MUST HAVE SOME MORE
LABELS TYPED FOR THE BOTTLES.
- SO WOULD YOU
SEE TO IT...?
- YES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, IF
SEEING IS BELIEVING,
YOUR PERFUME CERTAINLY
DOES ALL YOU CLAIM... AND MORE.
OH, IT'S LIKE THAT
EVERY NIGHT IN THE PUB.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MY JUNIOR AND MYSELF
THINK WE'D BE MISSING A
VERY GOOD OPPORTUNITY
IF WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO
SELL MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PERFUME.
- SO, COULD YOU ASK MR. RUMBOLD
FOR HIS PERMISSION?
- I WILL.
AND I TAKE IT THAT OUR
PERSONAL ARRANGEMENT
OVER THE PROFITS STILL STANDS?
BROWNIE'S HONOR.
AS I UNDERSTAND IT, PEACOCK,
YOU RECOMMEND THIS
PRODUCT FOR A TRIAL PERIOD.
I DO, SIR. IT HAS MY
COMPLETE BACKING.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU MAKING FIRM,
DECISIVE DECISIONS.
THIS INDICATES
MANAGEMENT MATERIAL.
AND I CAN CONFIDE IN YOU
THAT I SOON MAY BE UP THERE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
JUST A BAD COLD, SIR.
( coughing )
- I MEAN UP THERE
IN THE BOARDROOM.
- OH.
THEY'RE VERY PLEASED UP THERE
WITH THE WAY I'VE BEEN RUNNING MY JOB
AND RUNNING TOILETRIES IN THE
ABSENCE OF MR. FEATHERSTONE.
I SINCERELY HOPE YOU
GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, SIR.
AND AS MY COLD HAS
RESULTED IN A TEMPERATURE,
I'M LEAVING YOU IN CHARGE HERE.
( coughs ) I CAN'T
THINK HOW I GOT IT.
- ( sneezes )
- NEITHER CAN I, SIR.
MR. HUMPHRIES CAN TAKE OVER
THE FLOOR IF YOU SO DESIRE
AND I SHALL EXPECT YOU TO
ANSWER THE PHONE IF IT RINGS.
IS THAT ALL?
OH, WHEN ONE IS AT THE HELM,
ALL ONE HAS TO DO IS TO
STEER A STRAIGHT COURSE.
ANYTHING YOU WANT TYPED,
JUST GIVE IT TO
MISS BELFRIDGE...
LETTERS, PRICE TAGS,
LABELS, THAT SORT OF THING.
( chuckles ) WHAT
IT IS TO BE THROWN
INTO THE HURLY-BURLY
OF THE MANAGERIAL WORLD.
YOU'LL SOON GET THE HANG OF IT.
- ALLOW ME, SIR.
- ( coughing )
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
MOVE A BIT FURTHER AWAY?
NO, I'M REASONABLY IMMUNE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL
GET TO LIKE IT, SIR.
- I'M SURE I WILL.
- ( phone rings )
MENSWEAR.
THIS IS ASSISTANT 4711 SPEAKING.
HELLO, MRS. PEACOCK.
I'M AFRAID CAPTAIN PEACOCK
ISN'T ON THE FLOOR AT THE MOMENT.
YOU'LL BE TRAVELING
HOME WITH HIM.
OH, I'LL TELL HIM.
HE'S WORKING IN MR. RUMBOLD'S
OFFICE AT THE MOMENT
AS MR. RUMBOLD HAS
BEEN STRUCK DOWN.
YES. GIRL? WHAT GIRL?
OH, MISS BELFRIDGE?
YES, YES, IN
MR. RUMBOLD'S ABSENCE
BELFRIDGE WILL BE DIRECTLY
UNDER CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU'RE COMING UP. I SEE.
WHERE ARE YOU? ON
THE GROUND FLOOR.
I'LL TELL HIM.
- WHAT'S UP?
- GREEN-EYED PEACOCK
SHOULD NEVER HAVE
SHOWN THAT PHOTOGRAPH
TO MRS. PEACOCK IN THE
STAFF MAGAZINE. HOLD THE FORT.
ONLY A FEW MORE
LABELS, MISS BELFRIDGE.
SORRY I'M SO SLOW.
THERE ARE RATHER A LOT OF
KEYS FOR ONE LITTLE FINGER.
- ( knocking )
- COME IN.
SO YOU CAN SEE HOW
THE HIERARCHY LIVE,
I'VE BROUGHT YOU TWO
CUPS OF EXECUTIVE TYPHOO
AND A PLATE OF MIXED
ASSORTED BISCUITS.
JUST PUT IT DOWN AND GO.
OH YES, MY LORDS.
( screams )
MR. HUMPHRIES, WHAT
ARE YOU PLAYING AT?
- Harman: PHEW!
- MY TROUSERS ARE SOAKING!
AND MY DRESS!
IT'S MRS. PEACOCK. SHE
TELEPHONED. SHE'S ON HER WAY HERE.
- WHERE FROM?
- DOWNSTAIRS.
GOOD GOD! GET ME SOME OTHER
TROUSERS WHILE I GET THESE OFF.
- I'LL JUST TAKE
YOUR INSIDE LEG.
- IT'S 32 AND HURRY!
ALL RIGHT!
I'LL OPEN THE WINDOW. MAKE THE
PLACE SMELL LESS LIKE A "HAREME."
YOU, GET IN THE CUPBOARD.
BUT IT'S ONLY MY FIRST WEEK.
HIS WIFE'S A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.
IF SHE SMELLS THE SAME
PERFUME ON YOU AS ON HIM,
YOU'LL BE FRONT PAGE OF
"THE NEEDLE AND CUTTER."
- GET IN THE CUPBOARD.
- HURRY!
- HARMAN, GET RID OF THOSE!
- YEAH, RIGHT.
HERE, HOLD THOSE.
HERE, PUT THESE ON. SHE'S
JUST GETTING OUT OF THE LIFT.
THEY'VE STILL GOT THE PRICE
TAGS ON! WHERE ARE THE SCISSORS?
WHOOO-EEEE! UP A BIT,
GEORGE, I'VE GOT A CUSTOMER.
YOU CHANGE OUT ON THE LEDGE
IN CASE SHE COMES CHARGING IN.
OH, YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
YOUR TROUSERS!
BLOODY FOOL!
THEY'VE GONE DOWN...
Mrs. Peacock: STEPHEN, I WANT
TO SEE YOU OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!
HE'S JUST CHECKING HIS
STOCK, MRS. PEACOCK!
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
IT'S MY AFTERSHAVE.
- WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
- HE'S JUST CHECKING
THE WINDOW DISPLAYS
ON THE GROUND FLOOR.
WE USE THIS APPARATUS
FOR SPEED AND EFFICIENCY.
I'LL GET HIM FOR YOU. CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT, YES.
MRS. PEACOCK TO SEE YOU.
OH, WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
AS YOU SEE, DARLING,
I'M ALL ALONE AND
UP TO MY EARS IN IT.
- ( Miss Belfridge sneezes )
- IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE UP
TO YOUR NECK IN IT.
- ( sneezes )
- OH!
STEPHEN!
GROUND FLOOR AND HURRY!
YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT I CANNOT ALLOW
THE SALE OF YOUR
HOMEMADE PERFUME.
THIS AFTERNOON'S EPISODE
HAS SET MY MARRIAGE BACK
AND ALSO MY CAREER.
- ( phone rings )
- SO MUCH FOR MY SIDELINE.
SUCH A SHAME. AND IT
REALLY WORKED ON THAT MAN.
OH, NO, HE WAS JUST
A FRIEND OF MISS BRAHMS.
HE WAS PAID TO ACT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
( hangs up phone )
THAT WAS THAT
ACTOR FRIEND OF MINE.
HE SAID HE WAS SORRY
HE COULDN'T COME IN
BUT HE HAD TO GO
FOR AN AUDITION.
- THAT MEANS THAT...
- HE REALLY WAS.
OH, AND HE WAS SO HANDSOME AND
I LET HIM SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS.
DO YOU THINK THAT'LL CARRY TO
A ROOF TERRACE IN KENSINGTON?
- NO, BUT THIS MIGHT.
- COME ON.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪