Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 2 - Conduct Unbecoming - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪

THERE, THANK YOU FOR
YOUR CUSTOM, MADAM.

IF IT'S NOT RUDE, MAY I ASK

WHY DO YOU WANT 20
PAIRS OF TIGHTS AT ONE GO?

A GIRLFRIEND AND I ARE
GOING TO ITALY FOR A HOLIDAY

AND EVERYWHERE YOU GO
THE MEN WILL GRAB AT YOU.

NO! OH, I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF THAT BEFORE.



WHAT PART OF ITALY?

ROME. IT'S HARDLY SAFE TO GO IN A
RESTAURANT, NEVER MIND THE STREET.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SWAT THEM LIKE
FLIES WITH YOUR HANDBAG AND RUN FOR IT.

- NO!
- I'VE EVEN BEEN PINCHED
IN THE VIA VENETO

NO WONDER YOU
NEED SUCH THICK ONES.

THERE'S YOUR RECEIPT.
HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT WHERE YOU'RE GOING
FOR YOUR HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I HAD THOUGHT OF GOING TO THE
ISLE OF WIGHT WITH MRS. AXELBY,

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHTS,

I MIGHT GO AND TRY TO
GET A PEEP AT THE POPE.

BUT HE'S IN ROME

AND THAT'S WHERE THEM MEN
GRAB YOU AND LADDER YOUR TIGHTS.

THE PILGRIM'S
PATH IS NEVER EASY.



OH, GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

NOT LIKE YOU TO BE LATE, SIR.

WHETHER I'M EARLY OR LATE, I DON'T
EXPECT A COMMENT FROM A JUNIOR.

THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH
FOR MY LIFT THIS MORNING.

LIFT? OH YES, DON'T MENTION IT.

MIND YOU, IT WAS LUCKY THAT I
SPOTTED YOU AT THE BUS STOP.

YOU WERE PARKED
THERE WHEN I ARRIVED.

I WAS JUST ADJUSTING
MY SEATBELT.

OH, DID YOU HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM
WITH YOURS AS YOU HAD WITH MINE?

WE HAD EVER SUCH A STRUGGLE.

DID YOU? WELL OF COURSE, YOU AND
MRS. PEACOCK ARE DIFFERENT SIZES.

WHICH IS WHY I EXPECT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK HAD SUCH A STRUGGLE.

DON'T LET ME FORGET TO
PAY TOWARD MY BREAKFAST.

OH NO, NO, IT WAS ONLY A SNACK.

- THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.
- IT WAS NOTHING.

FOR YOU MAYBE, BUT IT'S THE FIRST
TIME THAT I'VE EVER BEEN TO THE RITZ.

- THE RITZ?
- PASS ME THE SIGNING IN BOOK.

YES, SIR.

AND GET ON WITH YOUR WORK.

- OH DEAR, YOU'VE
LEFT A 10 OFF, SIR.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S 10 PAST 9:00 AND YOU'VE
PUT UNDER ARRIVAL "9:00 A.M."

SHALL I PUT IT IN FOR YOU, SIR?

IF YOU'RE NOT VERY CAREFUL,
MR. SPOONER, I SHALL PUT IT IN FOR YOU.

- NOW WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
- HE HAD AN EARLY CUSTOMER, SIR.

HE WANTED A GOLF CLUB TO
GO WITH THE CAP HE BOUGHT

SO MR. HUMPHRIES HAS TAKEN HIM UP TO SPORTS
SO HE CAN PUT IT ALL ON THE SAME BILL.

OH VERY WELL. CARRY ON.

OH, YOU'RE ASKING FOR
TROUBLE, MR. SPOONER.

YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT
MR. HUMPHRIES ISN'T IN YET.

DON'T WORRY, I'VE FORGED HIS NAME
IN THE BOOK. HE'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM? THIS
IS THE THIRD MORNING HE'S BEEN LATE.

HE'S NOT BEEN AT
ALL HIMSELF LATELY.

WHEN HE APPEARS AT
THE TOP OF THE STAIRS,

TRY AND DISTRACT OLD
PEACOCK'S ATTENTION.

- OTHERWISE I'LL BE
IN THE SOUP WITH HIM.
- RIGHT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, AS A SENIOR
SALESPERSON YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT YOUR SALES AREA DOES NOT
EXTEND PAST THE CENTER DISPLAY STAND.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK...

AND I TRUST YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO MAKE A BELLIGERENT REMARK

- AS I AM IN NO MOOD
TO BANDY WORDS WITH YOU.
- NO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I JUST CAME TO BORROW A PEN.

- HAVE MINE.
- THANK YOU.

NOW, WHERE ARE WE?

OH YES, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, 10 PAST 9:00.

HE'LL HAVE IT IN
FOR YOU DOING THAT.

WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE A DICTATOR.

IF HE WAS IN SOUTH AMERICA,

HE'D HAVE BEEN
OVERTHROWN BY NOW.

I COULD SEE IT NOW. "EVITA
SLOCOMBE TAKES OVER."

HEY, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE
IS A SLIGHT FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.

I DON'T LOOK ANYTHING
LIKE EVA PERON.

NO, NOT TO HER. TO HER OLD MAN.

GET THAT BASKET OFF THE FLOOR

OR YOU'LL COP IT
FROM CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NOT HALF AS MUCH AS MR. HUMPHRIES
WILL. LOOK, HE'S TRYING TO CREEP IN.

OH! OH GOODNESS ME!

MY SUSPENDER'S COME UNDONE.

YOU HAVE A GO, MISS BRAHMS.

OH GOSH, MY SUSPENDER HAS GONE.

- YOU'RE NOT WEARING SUSPENDERS.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN,
THEY'VE GONE.

OH, GET BACK BEHIND
YOUR COUNTER!

AND HARMAN, GET OFF THE FLOOR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M FREE.

WHY IS THIS DUMMY SUDDENLY WEARING A
HAT AND COAT AND CARRYING A SUITCASE?

DUMMIES OFTEN WEAR HATS
AND COATS AND CARRY SUITCASES.

IT SUGGESTS TO THE
CUSTOMER TRAVEL.

THEN THIS ONE MUST BE
EXPECTING A LONG JOURNEY.

HE HAS A HALF-EATEN
SANDWICH IN HIS POCKET.

AND THE BITE SHOWS A
GAP IN THE FRONT TEETH.

WHILE THE SUITCASE
HAS THE INITIALS W.C.H.

WHICH POINT TO ONE VERY OBVIOUS FACT,
THAT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE LATE AGAIN.

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,
YOU PERSUADED MR. SPOONER

TO PERJURE HIMSELF
ON YOUR BEHALF.

IN FACT, YOUR WHOLE BEHAVIOR THESE
PAST FEW DAYS HAS BEEN MOST PECULIAR.

WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?

( sobbing )

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

IT'S HIS MOTHER.

- ( whimpering )
- THEY'VE HAD A TIFF.

- ( whimpering )
- IT'S A VERY PERSONAL MATTER.

- ( whimpering )
- HE'S HAD TO PACK HIS BAG
AND LEAVE HOME.

( whimpering )

HE'S SORRY HE WAS LATE AND
HE WAS THE ONE THAT PUT ME UP

TO PUTTING HIS NAME IN THE BOOK
AND SAYING HE WAS WITH A CUSTOMER.

YOU LITTLE FIBBER.
THAT WAS YOUR IDEA.

IF YOU'D ONLY COME TO ME IN THE
FIRST PLACE AND TAKEN ME ASIDE

AND TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD PERSONAL
PROBLEMS, I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.

I AM NOT UNAPPROACHABLE.

AFTER ALL, WE HAVE BEEN
ACQUAINTANCES FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

NOW, COME ALONG.
STAND UP LIKE A MAN.

OR AS NEAR AS YOU CAN GET TO IT.

WE'LL PRETEND THAT
NONE OF THIS HAPPENED.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT'S NOT LIKE ME
TO GO TO PIECES,

BUT I'VE BEEN UNDER A GREAT
DEAL OF STRAIN RECENTLY.

- THE MATTER IS FINISHED.
- I'LL GO AND HANG THESE UP.

AHEM.

OH, POOR MR. HUMPHRIES.

NO WONDER HE'S
BEEN LOOKING PALE.

HE LOVES HIS MOTHER.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING
QUITE SERIOUS TO MAKE THEM FALL OUT.

IT'S ABOUT TIME HE LEFT
HOME. I MEAN, HE'S OVER 40.

SOME MEN TAKE LONGER.

AND IF EVER HE NEEDS A BED,

HE CAN BE SURE
OF ONE AT MY HOME.

- CAN I HELP YOU LADIES?
- YES, WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN THE
PRAM THAT BELONGS TO HIM.

YOU STILL GOT THAT
BED AT YOUR HOUSE?

NO WONDER HE'S NOT BEEN HIMSELF.

- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

SOMEONE TO SEE YOU.

IT'S MY NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR AND HER DAUGHTER.

HELLO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I SPOKE TO YOUR
MOTHER THIS MORNING.

SHE SUGGESTED THAT I SHOULD COME
INTO TOWN AND LEAVE THIS WITH YOU.

POOR MAN. AS THOUGH HE
HASN'T ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

YOU DON'T THINK
IT'S HIS, DO YOU?

OH, HOWEVER COULD
I LEAVE IT BEHIND?

THAT LITTLE FACE AND THOSE
POINTED EARS MEAN A LOT TO ME.

- BLIMEY, IT IS HIS.
- COME ON.

- SHE'S BEEN EVER SO UPSET.
- SO HAVE I.

- ANY MESSAGES?
- JUST TELL HER TO CANCEL
MY RASPBERRY YOGURT.

VERY WELL.

AND TELL HER I'M NEVER
COMING HOME EVER, EVER AGAIN.

DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GOING
TO CRY IN FRONT OF YOU.

( sobbing )

JUST LOOK AT HIM
CHATTING HER UP AGAIN.

I CAN'T GET OVER HIM GIVING HER
A LIFT AND BREAKFAST AT THE RITZ.

HE ALWAYS CHATS
UP THE NEW GIRLS.

AND IF HE LOOKS LIKE
GETTING ANYWHERE

HE STARTS SPENDING
IT LIKE WATER.

PERHAPS A LITTLE MORE WINE?

OH NO, I'M LATE AS IT
IS. I'D BETTER GET BACK.

CAN I PAY FOR MY LUNCH?

- NO, NO, IT WAS MY PLEASURE.
- OH THANK YOU.

SEE YOU LATER.

HE'S ONLY PUTTING HIS
NAME ON IT FOR TOMORROW.

IT'S PATHETIC, A MAN OF HIS AGE
CHATTING UP A YOUNG GIRL LIKE THAT.

I QUITE AGREE. MIND YOU, WHEN I
WAS YOUNGER HE USED TO CHAT ME UP.

BUT HE NEVER GOT ANYWHERE.

YEAH, BUT I MEAN, HE
WAS YOUNGER THEN

AND WELL, YOU WAS
MORE OF AN AGE.

YOU MIGHT NOT REALIZE IT,
BUT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

I HAD MEN COMING
OUT OF THE WOODWORK.

SHE USED TO SPRAY ON
RENTOKIL TO KEEP THEM OFF.

SHE'S A NICE GIRL,
MISS BELFRIDGE.

A BIT LONELY OF COURSE, BEING
NEW AND NOT KNOWING ANYONE.

AND IF YOUR WIFE FINDS OUT THAT
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING AT BUS STOPS,

YOU MIGHT BE LONELY, TOO.

NOW REALLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I WAS JUST MAKING MISS
BELFRIDGE FEEL AT HOME.

SHE HAPPENS TO BE A VERY BRIGHT GIRL
AND THERE WAS NOTHING MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

DID YOU SAY TO WAIT AT THE
FRONT DOOR TONIGHT OR THE BACK?

- THE BACK.
- SORRY.

I FORGOT EVERYTHING.

- VERY BRIGHT.
- NO WONDER HE PUT HIS NAME
ON THE BOTTLE.

I REALLY DON'T SEE WHY I CAN'T
SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF STAFF

WITHOUT ALL THESE... THESE
UNNECESSARY COMMENTS.

ONCE YOU HAVE A REPUTATION
IT ISN'T EASY TO LOSE IT.

REPUTATIONS ARE BUILT ON GOSSIP.

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN MISS
BELFRIDGE WHATSOEVER.

I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT 'CAUSE SHE'S
KISSING A BLOKE IN MAINTENANCE.

- WHERE?
- SORRY, MY MISTAKE.

'ERE, WHERE'S
MR. HUMPHRIES GOT TO?

- HE SAID HE WAS GOING
TO THE PUB FOR A QUICK ONE.
- THAT'S NOT LIKE MR. HUMPHRIES.

HE'D BETTER HURRY UP
'CAUSE DINNER'S NEARLY OVER.

'ERE, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT.
THERE'S BEEN A PUNCH UP DOWN THE PUB.

OH, BUT THAT'S WHERE
MR. HUMPHRIES IS.

- I HOPE HE'S ALL RIGHT.
- HE STARTED IT.

APPARENTLY SOME GEEZER
COMPLAINED THAT MR. HUMPHRIES

KEPT PLAYING THE SAME TUNE OVER
AND OVER AGAIN ON THE JUKEBOX.

- WHAT WAS IT?
- "I'LL DO IT MY WAY."

Harman: LOOK OUT, I
THINK HE'S HAD A FEW.

BLIMEY, I BETTER GET
HIM A BLACK COFFEE.

♪ WHO CAN I TURN TO ♪

♪ WHEN NOBODY NEEDS ME? ♪

♪ MY HEART WANTS TO
KNOW AND SO I MUST GO ♪

♪ WHERE DESTINY LEADS ME. ♪

HUMPHRIES, I WANT YOU
IN MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

MY WORD, THAT WAS QUICK.

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

I JUST WENT TO THE
PUB. I ONLY HAD ONE.

YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'VE
HAD MORE THAN ONE.

I HAD A LEAKY GLASS AND
THEY HAD TO KEEP FILLING IT UP.

IT IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

I'M SURE THAT WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO SAY
CAN BE SAID IN FRONT OF MY COLLEAGUES.

- HERE, DRINK THIS.
- THANK YOU.

OH VERY WELL.

DURING THE PAST FEW DAYS
THERE'S BEEN A DISCREPANCY

IN THE RETURNS FROM THE
CASH TILL ON THE MENS COUNTER.

NO!

A POUND HERE OR THERE
CAN ALWAYS BE A MISTAKE,

ONE MUST MAKE ALLOWANCES
FOR HUMAN ERROR.

BUT LATELY IT'S ESCALATED

AND I'M AFRAID I HAD TO EMPLOY A COVERT
OPERATION TO IDENTIFY THE MISCREANT.

YOU SNEAKY DEVIL.

LAST NIGHT, WITNESSED
BY MY SECRETARY,

I PUT TWO MARKED £5 NOTES IN
THE TILL ON THE MENS COUNTER.

I HAVE JUST CHECKED THE
CONTENTS AGAINST SALES.

- AND?
- NO SALES.

BUT THE TWO £5
NOTES ARE MISSING.

I MUST THEREFORE ASSUME
THAT WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE

STILL HAS THEM
ABOUT THEIR PERSON.

YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY
YOU SUSPECT MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'VE GOT NOTHING TO
HIDE. NOTHING AT ALL.

ONE HANKIE...

MY WALLET...

40p IN CHANGE AND...

MY LUCKY CONKER.

WHERE ARE THE MARKED NOTES THEN?

THEY DON'T APPEAR TO BE HERE.

IN THAT CASE, I THINK YOU OWE
MR. HUMPHRIES AN APOLOGY.

YES, I APOLOGIZE, BUT I'M PLACED
IN A VERY DIFFICULT POSITION.

ANY DISCREPANCY
FALLS ON MY HEAD.

BOUNCES OFF HIS EARS.

LET'S SEE WHO HAS THE NOTES AND END
THIS UNFORTUNATE MATTER ONCE AND FOR ALL.

WELL, I'M SKINT.

35p AND A PICTURE
OF GROUCHO MARX.

ONE £10 NOTE AND FIVE SINGLES.

AND A RECEIPT FOR
BREAKFAST AT THE RITZ.

£3... AND 25 AND A HALF p.

120 IN 20s.

- IT WAS HIM.
- LAST WEEK'S OVERTIME.

CHECK WITH ACCOUNTS
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

NO, NO, IT'S TWO MARKED £5 NOTES

WE'RE LOOKING FOR AND
CLEARLY THEY'RE NOT HERE.

WHAT ABOUT MR. RUMBOLD?
HE'S GOT A KEY FOR THE TILL.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. I WAS
THE ONE WHO SET THE TRAP.

IT'S ONLY FAIR AS WE'VE HAD TO
EXPOSE OUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS

THAT YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

OH VERY WELL.
EXAMINE THAT, PEACOCK.

- IF YOU INSIST, SIR.
- I DO.

WOULD THE MARK YOU
PLACED ON THE £5 NOTES

- BE A CROSS IN RED INK, SIR?
- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

- IN THE TOP RIGHT-HAND CORNER?
- CORRECT.

AND THIS IS YOUR WALLET?

OF COURSE, IT'S
GOT MY INITIALS ON IT.

"C.R." FOR CUTHBERT
RUMBOLD, IN GOLD.

THEN I MUST ASSUME THAT THIS
IS ONE OF THE MISSING NOTES.

GOOD HEAVENS.

C.R. OF COURSE, WE SHOULD
HAVE GUESSED, "CRIMINAL RECORD."

WAIT A MINUTE, LET ME THINK.

YES, I REMEMBER, MISS BRAHMS HAD A
PERSONAL ADVANCE FROM ME LAST WEEK

AND PAID IT BACK THIS MORNING.

YOU MUST REMEMBER,
MISS BRAHMS, PLEASE?

UH... OH YES, I
THINK DO REMEMBER

BUT I GOT THAT FIVER
FROM YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

SO THE ARCHVILLAINESS
IS UNMASKED AT LAST!

NOW I AM FORCED TO RECALL
THE EVENTS OF THE MORNING,

I DO REMEMBER LENDING
MISS BRAHMS A FIVER.

IT WAS ONE OF TWO THAT I GOT FROM
CAPTAIN PEACOCK IN EXCHANGE FOR A TENNER

THAT I HAD TO CHANGE TO GET
A FIVE TO GIVE TO MISS BRAHMS.

I CAN SEE IT NOW,
"PEACOCK IN PENTONVILLE,

THE TOFF TELLS ALL."

BEFORE YOU ALL JUMP
TO HASTY CONCLUSIONS,

THOSE TWO £5 NOTES THAT
I GAVE TO MRS. SLOCOMBE

WERE GIVEN TO ME BY
MR. HUMPHRIES. NOW DO YOU DENY IT?

NO, IT'S PERFECTLY TRUE.

I GAVE YOU TWO £5
NOTES OUT OF THE TILL

IN EXCHANGE FOR A £10 NOTE.

WELL, THAT ACCOUNTS
FOR ONE £5 NOTE.

AND NONE OF US HAS THE OTHER.

I AM FORCED TO SAY
THAT THE FINGER OF GUILT

DID, FOR A TIME, POINT
TO YOUR DEPARTMENT,

BUT I RETRACT MY SUSPICIONS
AS THERE'S NO DEFINITE PROOF.

( sobbing ) THE
RELIEF OF IT ALL.

HE'S GOING THROUGH
A PERSONAL CRISIS.

( whimpering )

LEFT HOME.

NOWHERE TO GO.

NEARLY 49.

45.

AND HE'S VERY RELIEVED
THAT IT'S ALL OVER.

NOW COME ON,
CHUCK, DRY YOUR EYES.

A CROSS ON THE CORNER.

OH, IT CAME OUT OF
YOUR TOP POCKET.

I'M AFRAID THIS IS THE END
OF A VERY PROMISING CAREER.

BUT I'M INNOCENT.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.

YOU CAN'T CONVICT A
MAN WITHOUT A FAIR TRIAL.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DOING SO. NO,
WE'LL KEEP THIS AN INTERNAL MATTER.

WE'LL HAVE AN ENQUIRY IN THE DEPARTMENT
BEFORE WE EVEN CONSIDER DISMISSAL.

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND ALL WAITING
BEHIND FOR FIVE MINUTES AFTER WE CLOSE,

- WE CAN SETTLE IT THEN.
- FIVE MINUTES?

IT'S AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE,
IT SHOULDN'T TAKE ANY LONGER.

- DEPENDS WHO THE JUDGE IS.
- THIS IS NOT A TRIAL,
MR. HARMAN.

- NO, MORE IN THE NATURE
OF A KANGAROO COURT.
- WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S WHERE THEY JUMP OVER THE
HEADS OF THE NORMAL LAWS OF JUSTICE.

IT WON'T BE A BIT LIKE THAT.

WE SHALL INVESTIGATE
EVERY ASPECT OF THE CASE.

ANYTHING THAT CAN BE SAID IN
MR. HUMPHRIES' FAVOR WILL BE SAID.

AND ALL MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES

WILL BE CONSIDERED
MOST SYMPATHETICALLY.

AND THEN THEY SACK HIM.

♪ SUNSHINE... ♪

MR. HARMAN, ARE YOU READY?

YES, MY LORD, THE JURY
ARE ALL IN THEIR PLACES.

DON'T CALL THEM A
JURY, MR. HARMAN.

THEY ARE A COMMITTEE OF ENQUIRY
CONSISTING OF HIS FELLOW WORKERS.

EXCUSE ME, WHY HAS OLD
MR. WAGSTAFF BEEN DRAGGED IN HERE?

I ALWAYS TAKE HIM
TO THE BUS STOP

SO HE MIGHT AS WELL SIT
THERE WHILE HE'S WAITING.

- OH VERY WELL, LET'S GET ON.
- YES, SIR.

THE COURT WOULD LIKE TO
CALL THE PRISONER TO THE DOCK

ACCOMPANIED BY THE DEFENSE
COUNCIL, MISS BETTY SLOCOMBE.

CALLED TO THE BAR AT 5:30, ONLY
HAD TIME FOR ONE GIN AND TONIC

BEFORE SHE WAS CALLED OUT AGAIN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO SPEAK UP FOR
HIM, HE CAN'T PUT IT PROPERLY HIMSELF.

THAT'S BEEN MY
TROUBLE ALL ALONG.

THE COURT WOULD LIKE TO
CALL CAPTAIN STEPHEN PEACOCK,

- Q.C. AND BAR.
- WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

I'VE ELECTED CAPTAIN PEACOCK TO
PUT THE CASE AGAINST MR. HUMPHRIES.

THE COURT IS NOW IS SESSION. WOULD
THE ACCUSED KINDLY TAKE THE STAND?

RIGHT, PERHAPS WE CAN GET
THIS OVER WITH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YES, SIR.

NOW THE CHARGE
AGAINST MR. HUMPHRIES...

- OBJECTION.
- WHAT IS IT?

MY CLIENT OBJECTS TO MISS
BELFRIDGE BEING ON THE JURY

ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE'S
YOUR SECRETARY AND IS BIASED.

SEEING AS HOW SHE'S UP FOR A RISE AND
DOESN'T WANT TO GET INTO YOUR BAD BOOKS.

MISS BELFRIDGE IS
MERELY AN EMPLOYEE

WHO HAPPENS TO
WORK IN MY OFFICE.

SHE'S COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL.
ISN'T THAT SO, MISS BELFRIDGE?

- YES, CUTHBERT.
- OBJECTION SUSTAINED.

OH, VERY WELL.

COME AND SIT NEXT TO ME
AND YOU CAN TAKE NOTES.

NOW LET'S GET ON WITH THIS.

- PEACOCK.
- OH, I'M SORRY, SIR, YES.

IF I MIGHT HAVE YOUR
UNDIVIDED ATTENTION?

( high-pitched whine )

DO WE HAVE TO HAVE THAT?

UNFORTUNATELY ONE OF
HIS BATTERIES IS RATHER LOW.

- THE CHARGE AGAINST MR. HUMPHRIES...
- OBJECTION!

HE CAN'T HEAR WHAT'S BEING SAID

AND MY CLIENT OBJECTS TO HIM
BEING ON THE JURY, DON'T YOU?

I DON'T CARE ONE
WAY OR THE OTHER,

WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR ME.

MR. WAGSTAFF.

MR. WAGSTAFF, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

IF EVER I SAW A
GUILTY MAN, IT'S HIM.

MR. WAGSTAFF IS DISCHARGED.

GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND WAIT AT THE EXIT.

WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ANYWHERE.
PLEASE GET ON WITH IT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M DOING MY BEST, SIR.

NOW THE CHARGE IS
THAT MR. HUMPHRIES

REMOVED A MARKED
£5 NOTE FROM THE TILL.

THIS WAS LATER DISCOVERED
IN HIS TOP POCKET

WHICH PROVES HE DID
IT. THERE MY CASE RESTS.

DO YOU WISH TO
EXAMINE THE DEFENDANT?

DO I HAVE TO?

IT WOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO
MAKE SOME FEEBLE EXPLANATION

TO EXPLAIN AN OTHERWISE
OPEN AND SHUT CASE.

OH VERY WELL.

- NOW DO YOU
DENY THE CHARGE?
- I DO.

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT THIS £5
NOTE WAS FOUND IN YOUR TOP POCKET?

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS
AT HOME RECENTLY.

YOU SEE, MY MOTHER'S TAKEN UP
WITH THIS MAN THAT SHE HARDLY KNOWS.

SHE... EXCUSE ME, SHE MET HIM
WHILE THEY WERE OUT JOGGING.

WELL, HE WAS JOGGING. SHE WAS
FEEDING THE DUCKS IN THE PARK.

SHE'S MOVED HIM
INTO THE SPARE ROOM.

I SAID TO HER IF SHE DOES
THAT, I'M GOING TO LEAVE HOME.

THIS MORNING I PACKED
MY CASE AND I DID.

MR. HUMPHRIES, DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING
WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE CASE?

WELL, OF COURSE IT DOES! YOU SEE, WHEN
I LEFT HOME I BROKE OPEN ME PIGGY BANK.

SO I PUT ALL THE SMALL CHANGE
IN THE CASE, BROUGHT IT HERE,

I COUNTED IT, IT
WAS JUST OVER £5.

SO I PUT ALL THE
CHANGE IN THE TILL,

TOOK OUT A £5 NOTE AND
PUT IT IN ME TOP POCKET.

AND YOU EXPECT US TO
BELIEVE THAT TISSUE OF LIES?

HA! I PUT IT TO THESE GENTLEMEN.

- 'ERE!
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHY DIDN'T HE TELL
US THIS BEFORE?

BY HIS VERY RETICENCE
HE HAS ACCUSED HIMSELF.

- OBJECTION!
- WHAT NOW?

THE REASON HE DIDN'T
MENTION IT BEFORE

WAS BECAUSE HE WAS
HALF CUT FROM THE PUB.

AND BY THE TIME HE'D SOBERED UP
AND HAD TIME TO THINK THINGS OVER

AND REMEMBER THE
EVENTS OF THE MORNING,

EVENTS WHICH MY LEARNED
COUNSELOR MIGHT RECALL

SUGGESTED A LACK OF HONESTY

ON MORE THAN ONE
MEMBER OF THE STAFF.

TO WHOM ARE YOU REFERRING?

MY LEARNED OPPO HERE
WHAT'S DOING THE PERSECUTING.

THAT'S WHOM. AND WHO DELIBERATELY
ENTERED A FALSE TIME OF ARRIVAL

ON THE SIGNING-IN
BOOK THIS MORNING.

- OBJECTION, THIS HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CASE.
- OBJECTION OVERRULED.

ANY DISHONEST ACTION BY
ANY MEMBER OF THE STAFF

COULD PLACE THAT MEMBER
OF THE STAFF UNDER SUSPICION

OF... NOT BEING ENTIRELY HONEST.

- PERMISSION
TO CROSS-EXAMINE.
- PROCEED.

IS THE JURY PAYING ATTENTION?

NOTHING'S BEING MISSED, SIR.

THE COURT NOW CALLS CAPTAIN
STEPHEN PEACOCK TO TAKE THE STAND.

IT'S LIKE THE REMAKE
OF "12 ANGRY MEN."

ON A LOW BUDGET.

GO ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE
GIRL, HAVE A GO.

ARE YOU, CAPTAIN
STEPHEN PEACOCK,

A FLOORWALKER AT GRACE BROTHERS?

NO, I'M A RICE PUDDING
MAKER IN EPPING FOREST.

- THE DEFENDANT
WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION.
- OF COURSE I AM!

IF I WASN'T, WOULD I BE
SITTING HERE AT 6:00 AT NIGHT

PLAYING THIS DAMN
STUPID CHARADE?

WILL THE JURY KINDLY
NOTE THIS OUTBURST?

A DISPLAY OF AGGRESSION
TO A SIMPLE QUESTION

MIGHT INDICATE A DISTURBED MIND

AND, AS I SHALL PROVE,
A DISHONEST MIND.

THE MIND OF A MAN WHO
IS DESPERATE FOR MONEY

TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES
AT THE BOWLS CLUB.

THE MIND OF A MAN WHO
HAS TWO PARKER PENS

AND CAN AFFORD THE RITZ.

AND I DON'T MEAN CRACKERS.

- ( applauding )
- HARMAN.

DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT

ENTER A FALSE ARRIVAL TIME IN
THE SIGNING-IN BOOK THIS MORNING?

TO ANSWER THAT, I WOULD HAVE TO
ASK YOU WHAT TIME YOU THINK I ARRIVED.

I AND OTHERS KNOW

THAT YOU ARRIVED AT 10 PAST
9:00 AND PUT DOWN 9:00 IN THE BOOK.

SO THERE. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
TO SAY TO THAT, CLEVER CHOPS?

- MAY I ASK FOR THE BOOK?
- I'LL GET IT.

I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE

THAT A SENIOR MEMBER OF
STAFF COULD DO SUCH A THING.

MIND YOU, THIS IS A
MOST FASCINATING CASE.

- WHAT ABOUT MY CASE?
- SILENCE IN COURT.

EXHIBIT A, THE SIGNING-IN BOOK.

RIGHT, NOW LET'S GET THIS
QUITE CLEAR. YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

ACCUSE CAPTAIN PEACOCK OF ARRIVING
AT 9:10 ON THE MORNING OF THE 12th,

BUT DELIBERATELY ENTERING
9:00 A.M. IN THE BOOK.

- SPOT ON.
- HOW THEN DO YOU
ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT

THAT 9:10 IS THE TIME
ENTERED INTO THE BOOK?

WHAT?

OH YES, I PUT THAT
10 DOWN MYSELF.

- YOU ADMIT IT?
- I'VE JUST TOLD YOU.

SO YOU DELIBERATELY TRIED TO
GET CAPTAIN PEACOCK INTO TROUBLE

BY ENTERING A FALSE ARRIVAL
TIME IN THE BOOK? CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
YOU MAY STAND DOWN

NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

MR. SPOONER, YOU COME
OVER HERE AND TELL THEM.

ISN'T IT TRUE WHAT I SAID
ABOUT HIM COMING AT 10 PAST 9:00

AND PUTTING 9:00
DOWN IN THE BOOK?

- OBJECTION, DEFENSE
IS LEADING THE WITNESS.
- SHUT UP.

NOW COME ON, WHAT
TIME DID HE ARRIVE?

- 10 PAST 9:00.
- WHICH IS THE TIME
ENTERED IN THE BOOK.

BUT THAT'S WHAT I PUT IN MESELF!

YOU SAW THEM.

I DID, I DID AND I'D SWEAR TO
THAT ON THE STAFF MAGAZINE.

MAY I ASK MR. SPOONER
JUST ONE PERTINENT QUESTION

WHICH WILL SETTLE HIS VALIDITY
AS A WITNESS ONCE AND FOR ALL?

I WISH YOU WOULD.

MR. SPOONER, DID
YOU OR DID YOU NOT

ENTER MR. HUMPHRIES TIME OF
ARRIVAL THIS MORNING AS 9:00 A.M.?

- THE TRUTH NOW.
- YES, I DID.

AND DID THE AFOREMENTIONED
MR. HUMPHRIES ARRIVE AT 9:00 A.M.?

NO, SIR, HE DIDN'T.

WOULD IT NOT BE MORE CORRECT
TO SAY HE ARRIVED AT 9:15

AND THAT YOU PERJURED
YOURSELF ON HIS BEHALF?

- LOOK AT ME, BOY!
- YES, SIR, IT'S TRUE, SIR.

NO MORE QUESTIONS. YOU
MAY RETURN TO THE JURY.

OBJECTION.

MY CLIENT DOESN'T WANT
SOMEBODY ON THE JURY WHAT LIES.

- HEY, CAN'T I SAY ANYTHING?
- NO, I'VE GOT TO SAY IT
FOR YOU.

UP TO NOW YOU'VE
MADE MATTERS WORSE.

OH WELL, YOU HAVE A GO THEN

BECAUSE I'M DYING
TO POWDER ME NOSE.

WOULD THE COURT PLEASE BE SO
INCLINED AS TO GRANT PERMISSION

TO DEFENSE COUNCIL
TO VISIT THE KHARZI?

PERMISSION GRANTED.

I WAS GOING WHETHER
IT WAS OR NOT.

I'M SORRY FOR ALL THIS
FUSS, BUT WHAT I SAID IS TRUE.

I DID PUT THE
CHANGE IN THE TILL.

I DID TAKE A £5 NOTE OUT.

AND I DID PUT IT
IN ME TOP POCKET.

LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,

THIS IS THE FACE
OF AN INNOCENT MAN.

- MISS BRAHMS,
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE I DO.

MR. SPOONER, WHO'S COME ON SO
WELL RECENTLY, YOU BELIEVE ME?

NEVER IN ANY DOUBT.

MR. HARMAN, HAVE I...

HAVE I BEEN ANYTHING
BUT STRAIGHT?

COULD YOU REPHRASE THAT PLEASE?

HAVE I EVER NICKED ANYTHING?

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEHAVED
LIKE A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

I KNOW, BUT HAVE I
EVER NICKED ANYTHING?

I DON'T THINK HE'S
GOT THE BOTTLE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
UNDER THAT STERN FACADE

THERE IS A MAN WHO KNOWS
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG.

CAN YOU HONESTLY SAY WITH
YOUR HAND ON YOUR HEART

THAT I HAVE EVER TAKEN
ANYTHING THAT WASN'T MINE?

- NO.
- THANK YOU.

UP TILL NOW.

I MUST POINT OUT
THAT IF IT WASN'T YOU

THEN THE FINGER OF SUSPICION
WILL FALL UPON ONE OF US.

- AND WE'LL HAVE TO GO
THROUGH ALL THIS AGAIN.
- OH NO.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS QUITE
RIGHT. HANDS UP FOR GUILTY.

NOT GUILTY.

FOUR ALL. WELL, I
HAVE A CASTING VOTE.

GUILTY, AND THE
JUDGE'S DECISION IS FINAL.

I WILL NOW PASS SENTENCE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I MUST
ASK YOU TO RESIGN.

RESIGN? FROM GRACE BROTHERS?

IT'S THE ONLY HONORABLE
THING FOR A GENTLEMAN TO DO.

BUT MAY I SAY THAT IT IS
A GREAT SADNESS FOR ME

THAT ONE SMALL FLAW

IN AN OTHERWISE
EXEMPLARY CHARACTER

SHOULD MARR SUCH
A PROMISING CAREER.

I'D TRY THE Y.M.C.A.
IF I WAS YOU.

I'M ALREADY ON THE WAITING LIST.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS
IS HAPPENING TO ME.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SUCH A GOOD BOY.

STIFF UPPER LIP.

MR. HARMAN, I WANT THAT TILL
CHANGED AND NEW KEYS ISSUED.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE
DELAY, BUT I HAD A BENT COIN.

- WHERE IS HE?
- HE'S RESIGNED.

- WHAT ABOUT
MY WINDING UP SPEECH?
- YOU'RE TOO LATE.

I SHALL NEVER FORGET THAT
SAD LOOK ON HIS LITTLE FACE.

AND ALL THAT JUST FOR FIVE QUID.

NO, NO, OVER £50
HAS GONE MISSING.

THE BUCK HAD TO STOP SOMEWHERE.

'ERE, THIS TILL'S FAULTY.

THERE'S A LOAD OF
NOTES STUCK AT THE BACK.

- THE MISSING MONEY.
- HE WAS INNOCENT.

NOW HE'S LEFT HOME
AND HE'S NOT TALKING TO

HIS MOTHER, WE'LL NEVER
FIND HIM TO TELL HIM.

OH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T
THROW HIMSELF UNDER A TRAIN.

IF ONLY WE KNEW WHERE HE'D GONE.

I FORGOT MY PADDINGTON BEAR.

HE'S IN THE CUPBOARD.

WE FOUND THE MISSING
MONEY, IT WASN'T YOU.

- WELL I SAID I DIDN'T DO IT.
- ( phone rings )

MAINTENANCE AND PACKING.
A MESSAGE FOR WHOM?

OH YEAH, IT'S FOR
YOU. IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

- SHE DON'T HALF SOUND UPSET.
- HELLO?

HELLO, MOTHER.

I SAID HE'D LET YOU DOWN.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU PUT HIS
JOGGING SHOES OUTSIDE THE FRONT GATE

AND I'LL BE HOME
AS SOON AS I CAN.

BYE.

IF ONLY YOU COULD TALK, YOU'D
HAVE TOLD THEM, WOULDN'T YOU?

MIND YOU, YOU MIGHT HAVE TOLD
THEM ONE OR TWO OTHER THINGS

SO IT'S JUST AS WELL.

OH, I WAS ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

OH, IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN
I'LL BE OVER TO YOUR SIDE.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪