Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 8 - Roots? - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

- WHO'S THAT?
- MR. HARMAN. WHO'S THAT?

MR. RUMBOLD. WHAT IN
HEAVEN'S NAME IS GOING ON?

THE STORE'S DUE TO OPEN IN 10
MINUTES AND THERE'S NO ELECTRICITY.

- CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS?
- I THINK I CAN.



THE MANAGEMENT IS BEING VERY RECALCITRANT
ABOUT PAYING US TOGGING UP MONEY.

- TOGGING UP MONEY?
- YEAH, AS MANUAL WORKERS

WE HAVE TO PUT OUR OVERALLS
ON AND THEN TAKE THEM OFF AGAIN.

NOW THIS USES TIME, AND
WE WANT PAYING FOR IT.

AND IT'S FOR THAT REASON
THAT THE BROTHERS AND I

HAVE THEREFORE
NICKED ALL THE FUSES.

AND DARKNESS SHALL REIGN
THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE OF THE LAND

UNTIL SUCH TIMES AS
OUR DEMANDS IS MET.

- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- NO, IT ISN'T.

IT TAKES US A HALF HOUR TO GET
OUT OF OUR OWN SMART CLOTHES

AND GET INTO GRACE BROTHERS'
ROTTEN, DIRTY, OLD OVERALLS.

WE HAVE TO GET HERE
EARLY AND LEAVE LATE.

AND WE'RE NOT
GETTING PAID FOR IT.

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, YOU JUST
BEEN IN TO DISMISS THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.



HE WAS ASLEEP ON
ONE OF THE BEDS.

HE WAS GOING TO BUY THAT BED.

HE WAS GIVING IT A SLUMBER TEST.

MORNING.

Harman: BLIMEY, LIBERACE.

PEACOCK, WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT CANDELABRA?

- FROM SILVERWARE, SIR.
- I TRUST YOU'VE SIGNED
FOR IT?

INDEED I DID, SIR.

I ALSO SIGNED A CLAIM FORM

FOR THE BUMP I
RECEIVED ON THE HEAD

WHEN I TRIPPED
OVER A ROLLERSKATE

IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT
AND WENT BACKSIDE OVER ELBOW.

NO NEED TO BE VULGAR.

BACKSIDE OVER ELBOW

IS A PRECISE
DESCRIPTION OF HOW I FELL.

THE HAMMER HOUSE OF HORROR.

WE HAD TO PAY 10p
EACH FOR THESE CANDLES.

YEAH, AND WE STILL COULDN'T
FIND THE LADIES ROOM.

WHY DON'T YOU POP DOWN TO PETS? THEY'RE
DOING A SPECIAL OFFER ON KITTY LITTER.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE
YOU GOING TO STAND THERE

AND HEAR ME INSULTED?

THIS SEEMS AS
GOOD A PLACE AS ANY.

Peacock: OH, THAT'S BETTER.

I HAD TO KISS THREE GIRLS
IN CAMPING TO GET THIS.

THERE'S ONLY TWO GIRLS IN
CAMPING AND A MAN WITH A BEARD.

SO I FOUND OUT
WHEN I LIT THE LAMP.

MR. HUMPHRIES...

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU
ADVERTISING SOMETHING?

I HOPE NOT. IT WAS THE
FANCY DRESS COMPETITION

AT THE ALL-NIGHT ROLLER DISCO.

DO YOU KNOW, I GOT RIGHT
THROUGH TO THE FINAL,

AND ON THE VERY LAST
MINUTE THE DOOR OPENED

AND A BOY WALKED IN
WEARING AN IDENTICAL OUTFIT.

SO THEY ASKED US TO SHAKE
HANDS AND SHARE THE FIRST PRIZE.

- WHAT WAS IT?
- I NEVER FOUND OUT.

AS SOON AS OUR FINGERS
TOUCHED, HE BLEW A FUSE.

EVERY BULB ON HIS BODY WENT POP.

IT TUNED OUT THAT HE
WAS A.C. AND I WAS D.C.

EXCUSE ME.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
FRIGHTENED OF THE DARK, MY DEAR?

EVER SINCE YOU BLEW ALL
THE CANDLES OUT, MR. GRACE.

I DIDN'T BLOW THEM
OUT ON PURPOSE.

WHEN YOU ADJUSTED
YOUR SUSPENDER,

I BREATHED A BIT HARD.

WELL, COULDN'T WE
HAVE JUST ONE ON?

OH, OF COURSE.

OH, THIS CANDLE'S WAVING
ABOUT A BIT, ISN'T IT?

OH, THERE WE ARE.

ISN'T IT ROMANTIC?

I REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS
ALL CANDLES AND GASLIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A BOY

MY FIRST JOB WAS IN A LITTLE
GAS-LIT WELSH MINING TOWN.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? IF
YOU PAID ME TUPPENCE A WEEK

I'D COME ROUND AT 5:00 IN THE
MORNING AND KNOCK YOU UP.

BY THE TIME THE SUN WAS
UP, I'D DONE SIX STREETS.

I BET YOU WERE ALWAYS SURE
OF A WELCOME IN THE VALLEY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN THE DARK, MR. GRACE?

REMEMBERING WHAT I
DID WHEN I WAS A BOY.

BUT I PHONED YOU 20 MINUTES AGO

TO TELL YOU THE
LIGHTS WERE BACK ON.

I KNOW, I HAD THE
RECEIVER TO MY DEAF EAR.

ANYWAY, I KNEW THEY'D
SURRENDER IN PACKING.

I GAVE THEM AN ELECTRIC KETTLE

SO IF THEY TURNED THE JUICE
OFF, THEY'D MISS THEIR TEA BREAK.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO
TAKE YOUR PULSE NOW.

DO YOU MIND
GETTING OFF HIS KNEE?

IT MAY GIVE A FALSE READING.

THANK YOU.

- OH DEAR!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S VERY WEAK AND
VERY IRREGULAR.

I HAD A BIT OF TROUBLE
GETTING STARTED THIS MORNING.

I HAD TO PUT JUMP
LEADS ON MY PACEMAKER.

YOU SHOULDN'T LIVE ON
YOUR OWN, MR. GRACE.

I KEEP TELLING YOU THAT.

WHAT IF SOMETHING
HAPPENED IN THE NIGHT?

I'D CALL A CAB AND COME ON OVER.

YOU'RE 90 IN A FEW DAYS TIME.

YES, AND WE ALL WANT
TO KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE.

WELL, FOR A START,
I'D LIKE A CAKE.

- NOT WITH 90 CANDLES?
- I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU WANT A GIRL
TO JUMP OUT OF IT.

SHE'D HAVE TO. I
COULDN'T JUMP IN.

ANYWAY, IT'S GOING
TO BE A GREAT DAY.

EVERY DEPARTMENT IS
PLANNING A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

TEA.

HAVE YOU GOT A SURPRISE FOR
ME IN PACKING AND MAINTENANCE?

WE CERTAINLY HAVE. UNLESS YOU
COUGH UP THE TOGGING UP MONEY

WE'RE GOING TO FILL YOUR
KHARZI WITH CONCRETE.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GIVE
HIM ANYTHING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.

NO, WE DIDN'T BUY ME
ANYTHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

WELL, YOU WEREN'T 90.

WON'T BE LONG NOW,
MRS. SLOCOMBE, WILL IT?

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR US TO
HAVE A SENSIBLE JUNIOR

INSTEAD OF THAT BUFFOON?

I'M NOT CHIPPING IN ANY
MONEY, AND THAT'S FINAL.

I'VE SPENT MORE THAN ENOUGH
ALREADY ON MY WIFE'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

DID YOU BUY HER SOMETHING NICE?

- IT WILL BE IN A FEW YEARS.
- STOCKS AND SHARES?

NO, A BABY CROCODILE.

IF HE EATS WELL, IN FIVE
YEARS HE'LL BE A HANDBAG.

THAT IS, OF COURSE, UNLESS WE
DECIDE TO GO ON FOR THE SUITCASE.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I ALWAYS
HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WE USED TO PLAY POSTMAN'S KNOCK.

ME AND MRS. AXELBY
PLAYED POSTMAN'S KNOCK

ON MY BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

AREN'T YOU BOTH A LITTLE
BIT OLD FOR POSTMAN'S KNOCK?

THE POSTMAN DIDN'T
SEEM TO THINK SO.

I HOPE YOU DON'T
THINK I'M INTRUDING...

ONLY THE CONVERSATION AT
THE PACKING DEPARTMENT TABLE

HAS DETERIORATED
TO SEX, FOOTBALL

AND PAGE THREE OF "THE SUN."

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SEX AND PAGE THREE OF "THE SUN"?

COME HOME AND MEET
THE WIFE AND I'LL SHOW YOU.

TALKING ABOUT PAGE THREE OF "THE SUN," I
THINK I'LL TAKE THESE POACHED EGGS BACK.

THEY NEED FIRMING UP A BIT.

THAT BOY'S MIND.

HE THINKS ABOUT NOTHING BUT SEX.

HIS EYES ARE CONTINUALLY
SLIDING DOWN TO MY LEGS

IN A SORT OF CALCULATING WAY.

HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO WORK OUT

HOW STRONG THEY GOT TO BE
TO KEEP UP THE REST OF YOU.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WILL
YOU "DESTRAIN" THIS PERSON?

I MUST REMIND YOU, MR. HARMAN,
THAT YOU ARE AT A TABLE

WITH SENIOR SALES STAFF AND
LOWER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT,

AND WE WILL BE OBLIGED

IF YOU WOULD CONDUCT
YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.

YES, KEEP MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
BIG KNOCKERS OUT.

MISS BRAHMS!

WOULD A MENIAL LIKE
MYSELF BE PERMITTED TO ASK

WHAT SENIOR SALES AND
LOWER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

IS DOING FOR
MR. GRACE'S BIRTHDAY?

WE ARE STILL DEBATING.

I PRESUME YOU'RE PASSING
THE HAT ROUND IN PACKING?

WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT. WHAT'S MORE,
WE THOUGHT OF A VERY ORIGINAL GIFT.

- WHAT DID YOU GET?
- HERE, GUESS. HAVE A FEEL.

IT FEELS LIKE A GIANT POLO MINT.

WRONG.

ONE SUPER EXECUTIVE,

HEAT-CONTROLLED
KHARZI COMFORTER.

AS USED BY THE OTHER END

OF THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND
THAT'S GOT ONE OF THOSE.

THE THERMOSTAT'S GOT
ALL DIFFERENT SETTINGS.

YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

"HOT," "VERY HOT"...

AND "SEND FOR THE FIRE BRIGADE,
I'M STICKING OUT OF THE WINDOW."

HERE, IN HALF A MINUTE, IT'LL
BE MY OFFICIAL TEA BREAK.

I BETTER GET BACK TO WORK.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET BACK
TO WORK WHEN IT'S YOUR TEA BREAK?

BECAUSE, BROTHER,

IF I WORK DURING MY TEA
BREAK, I'M ON OVERTIME.

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY'S DOING
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE BIRTHDAY.

- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
- THAT COSTS NOTHING?

- THAT NOBODY ELSE IT DOING?
- THAT'LL MAKE HIM VERY HAPPY?

IN MY EXPERIENCE, IT'S VERY
DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMETHING

THAT COSTS NOTHING, THAT NOBODY
ELSE DOES, THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

HERE, HE'S WELSH, ISN'T HE?

WE COULD DO HIM
SOMETHING IN WELSH.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

DON'T THEY HAVE SOME
SORT OF NATIONAL EMBLEM?

- MMM. A LEEK.
- THAT'S NICE.

IT'LL GO WELL WITH
THE KHARZI SEAT.

YOU KNOW, THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING WE CAN GET HIM

THAT WOULD REMIND HIM
OF THE HILLS AND VALLEYS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE COULD GO IN
HIS OFFICE AND LIE ON THE FLOOR.

TAKE YOUR COFFEE AND
GO TO ANOTHER TABLE.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.

ONLY CAPTAIN PEACOCK
CAN TELL ME TO DO THAT.

MR. SPOONER, TAKE YOUR
COFFEE AND GO TO ANOTHER TABLE.

BUT LEAVE THE SUGAR.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
LOOK, LET'S THINK,

WHAT ELSE IS WALES FAMOUS FOR?

- COAL.
- RUGBY.

SKATING.

I DON'T THINK WALES
IS FAMOUS FOR SKATING.

WHAT DO THEY DO AT
EISTEDDFODS THEN?

MISS BRAHMS, THEY
SING AND READ POETRY.

A POEM! "THERE WAS A
YOUNG GIRL FROM PESTATIN

WHO SAID 'LOOK YOU, I
COULDN'T GET THAT IN.'"

All: MR. SPOONER!

SHE WAS PACKING HER
SUITCASE TO GO TO THE NUNNERY.

YOU'LL BE PACKING
YOURS IN A MINUTE.

IN MY EXPERIENCE, THE
WELSH ARE ALWAYS VERY MOVED

BY THE SINGING OF A WELSH SONG,

SUCH AS "BREAD OF
HEAVEN" OR "SOSPAN VACH."

WELL, COULDN'T WE
SING IT AT THE PARTY?

- IT WOULDN'T COST ANYTHING.
- ALL AGREED?

JUST SINGING A SONG DOES SEEM
A RATHER MEAN SORT OF PRESENT.

HE'LL HAVE NOTHING
TO TAKE HOME WITH HIM.

HE'LL HAVE A HAPPY MEMORY?

AND PROBABLY A HEADACHE.

I'VE BEEN APPLYING MY
MIND TO THE PROBLEM.

GOD!

AND I THINK I'VE COME UP
WITH SOMETHING TANGIBLE

THAT WE CAN GIVE HIM.

MY BROTHER DOES A LOT OF WORK

FOR THE ROYAL
COLLEGE OF HERALDS.

I FEEL SURE HE CAN LOOK
UP MR. GRACE'S ANCESTORS

AND MAKE US A SHIELD. THEN
WHILE YOU SING THE SONG

I CAN PRESENT IT. THAT
COULD BE VERY MOVING.

WON'T IT COST MONEY?

I CAN BUY IT AS A DISPLAY SAMPLE

AND PUT IT ON MR. GRACE'S
ACCOUNT. HE'LL NEVER KNOW.

SO THAT'S HOW YOU
GOT YOUR GOLF CLUBS.

NO, THAT IS NOT SO.

THEY WERE A
LEGITIMATE DISPLAY ITEM

FOR THE GARDEN
FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.

THEY WERE DAMAGED, REDUCED,

AND SOLD AT A SPECIAL
STAFF DISCOUNT.

WHEN THE STORE WAS
CLOSED ON A SUNDAY.

SOME OF US DO HAVE TO
WORK OVER THE WEEKEND.

MAY WE INQUIRE WHAT
IS GOING TO HAPPEN

TO THAT RADIOGRAM
IN OUR SOCK DISPLAY?

OR DO WE TAKE IT YOU'LL BE
WORKING NEXT WEEKEND AS WELL?

OH COME, COME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU'RE A MAN OF THE WORLD.

YES INDEED. UNFORTUNATELY
NOT YOUR WORLD.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING
THAT I'M ON THE FIDDLE?

NO, BUT YOU COULD BE TUNING UP.

WE'RE GETTING RIGHT OFF
THE POINT, DON'T YOU THINK?

YES, BUT IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT?

LOOK, CAN WE HAVE A SHOW
OF HANDS AND AN ALL IN FAVOR

FOR WHATEVER IT
IS WE'VE DECIDED ON?

ARE YOU IN A HURRY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I CERTAINLY AM.

I'VE GOT A SCULPTOR
COMING THIS EVENING.

HE'S GOING TO DO
MY PUSSY IN CLAY.

SHOVE THAT DOWN
THERE, WARWICK, WILL YOU?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT DOWN OUR
END, MR. RUMBOLD.

OH, GOOD.

YES, THAT'LL DO SPLENDIDLY.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

YOU TOLD THEM TO GO CHANGE
INTO COSTUME FOR THE WELSH SONG.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

- OH I SEE, GOOD.
- I'VE GOT A COMPLAINT.

I'VE GOT A COMPLAINT.
MY COSTUME'S DEFECTIVE.

- LOOKS ALL RIGHT TO ME.
- WELL IT'S NOT, I'M FLASHING.

WE'LL GET THAT FIXED.
WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?

THEY'RE JUST COMING, SIR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WHY ARE YOU
DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS?

DO YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF PEOPLE ASK THAT.

APPARENTLY, IT WAS
MADE FOR MRS. THATCHER

BUT WHEN SHE GOT THERE SHE
SAID SHE WANTED TO BE TREATED

LIKE ANY ORDINARY
WOMAN GOING DOWN A MINE.

AND SHE WAS.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY I'VE
GOT A RED LIGHT ON MY HAT.

THAT USUALLY INDICATES THAT
AN OLD WORKING'S COLLAPSED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LADIES CAN'T
HAVE SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE GLAMOROUS

THAN AN OLD BOILER SUIT.

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE AN
OLD BOILER AND IT SUITS YOU.

DO YOU WANT MY
PICK IN YOUR EARHOLE?

PERSONALLY SPEAKING, IT'S
VERY VERY HOT IN THESE OUTFITS.

- I QUITE AGREE.
- IT DEPENDS WHAT YOU WEAR
UNDER THEM.

NOW I KNOW WHAT THE MINERS MEANT

WHEN THEY SAID,
"ONE OUT, THE LOT OUT."

I CAN'T SAY THAT'S
COOLED ME DOWN AT ALL.

PUT IT ALL AWAY, MISS BRAHMS.

I HAD A FRIEND WHO WAS A BALLET
DANCER WHO BECAME A MINER,

- BUT HE HAD TO GIVE IT UP.
- IT'S A TOUGH LIFE.

NO, HE WAS TOUGH ENOUGH, JUST
COULDN'T KEEP HIS SEAM STRAIGHT.

WELL, LET'S GET ON WITH
THE REHEARSAL, SHALL WE?

YES, DON'T LET US BE
LATER THAN NECESSARY.

DON'T TELL ME THAT
THAT SCULPTOR'S

STILL DOING YOUR
PUSSY FOR POSTERITY.

YES, AND IT'S AT A
VERY CRITICAL STAGE.

ALL LAST NIGHT I HAD TO
KEEP IT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE

- COVERED BY
A WET FLANNEL.
- NO!

AND TONIGHT AT 9:00,

ALL THE NEIGHBORS ARE
COMING IN TO WATCH HIM

POUR PLASTER OF
PARIS ALL OVER IT

AND THEN PUT IT
IN A VERY HOT OVEN.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

I'D RATHER NOT KNOW. LET'S
GET ON WITH THE SINGING.

YES, MR. HARMAN, WOULD YOU BE KIND
ENOUGH TO PASS ROUND THE SONG SHEETS

- OF "WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE HILLSIDE"?
- YES.

- Peacock: OVER HERE,
LADIES, COME ALONG.
- Klein: WHERE SHALL WE STAND?

THE LITTLE ONES IN FRONT,
THE BIG ONES BEHIND.

AND THE LITTLE ONES WITH
BIG BEHINDS IN THE MIDDLE.

OH!

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- Peacock: THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

- HERE YOU ARE, MR. KLEIN.
- THANK YOU.

RIGHT, ONE, TWO, THREE.

( organ playing )

- MR. RUMBOLD?
- YES, MR. HUMPHRIES?

- WILL YOU BE NEEDING US?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE'VE HAD TIME FOR A BATH
WHILE YOU'VE BEEN DOING ALL THAT.

- WHEN DO WE DO OUR BIT?
- THAT WAS MY INTRODUCTION.

- I COMPOSED IT MYSELF.
- VERY NICE.

YOU CAN PRACTICE THAT AT
HOME. LET'S DO OUR BIT NOW.

OH, RIGHT.

( organ playing )

♪ WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE HILLSIDE ♪

♪ WE'LL KEEP A
WELCOME IN THE VALES... ♪

MR. RUMBOLD. MR. RUMBOLD!

( whistling )

WHEN DO WE SING?

WEREN'T YOU SINGING THEN? I
COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE SINGING AT ALL.

WE'RE THE ONE'S
WHAT'S GOT UP AS MINERS.

- WHY CAN'T I SING AS WELL?
- 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT
DRESSED FOR IT.

YES I AM. IF I WERE
CONNECTED WITH THE MINE,

IT WOULD BE IN A
MANAGERIAL CAPACITY.

I WOULD BE DRESSED EXACTLY
AS I AM NOW WITH A BOWLER HAT.

PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE MUCH
MORE MOVING IF WE SANG UNACCOMPANIED.

I AGREE. BESIDES, THEY DON'T
HAVE ORGANS DOWN COALMINES.

WE'RE NOT DOWN
A MINE, MR. KLEIN.

WE'RE WELCOMING THEM IN
THE HILLS AND IN THE VALLEYS.

WE'RE NOT DRAGGING AN ORGAN
UP AND DOWN THERE EITHER.

WE WILL SING IT UNACCOMPANIED.

OH VERY WELL. I'LL CONDUCT.

"WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE HILLSIDE" IN B-FLAT.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

♪ WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE HILLSIDE... ♪

NO, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S AWFUL.

WELL, WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT NOTE TO START ON.

PRECISELY. YOU NEED THE ORGAN.

AND IF I DON'T PLAY IT,
YOU CAN'T SING THE SONG.

THAT'S NOT STRICTLY
TRUE, MR. RUMBOLD, SIR.

( organ playing )

ALL TOGETHER, PLEASE.

♪ WE LIKE TO BE BESIDE
WE LIKE TO BE BESIDE ♪

♪ BESIDE THE SEASIDE
BESIDE THE SEA. ♪

- VERY GOOD, MR. HARMAN.
- BRAVO, MR. HARMAN.

VERY GOOD.

I USED TO FILL IN AT
THE GRANADA TOOTING.

I USED TO RISE 12 FEET
ABOVE THE AUDIENCE.

ONLY I GOT VERTIGO
SO I HAD TO JACK IT IN.

I SEE. WELL, CAN YOU
FIND A B-FLAT ON THAT?

CERTAINLY, SIR, WOULD YOU
LIKE IT ON THE FLUTE, THE HORN,

THE HAWAIIAN GUITAR
OR THE BASS BASSOON?

WHAT ON EARTH DOES
THAT SOUND LIKE?

( plays deep, hissing note )

I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE
NOTE ANY OF US WANT TO HIT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WE'LL ALL SING THE FIRST TWO LINES.

THEN, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU'RE A CONTRALTO,

YOU TAKE "THE LAND YOU
KNEW WILL STILL BE SINGING"

AND THEN THE MEN COME IN...
YOU TAKE IT SOLO, YOU SEE?

THEN THE MEN COME IN ALTOGETHER

WITH "THIS LAND OF SONG
WILL KEEP A WELCOME."

- ( organ playing )
- THANK YOU, MR. HARMAN.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

♪ WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE HILLSIDE ♪

- ♪ WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME
IN THE VALES ♪
- MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( in deep voice ) ♪ THIS LAND
YOU KNEW WILL STILL BE... ♪

JUST A MINUTE.

CAN'T WE HAVE IT A BIT HIGHER?

IT DOES SOUND A BIT LOW.
TRY IT IN E-FLAT, MR. HARMAN.

( organ playing )

( vibrating ) ♪ THIS LAND
YOU KNEW WILL STILL... ♪

MR. HARMAN! NO VIBRATO, PLEASE.

( plays bass bassoon note )

- YES, AGAIN.
- ( organ playing )

♪ THIS LAND YOU KNEW
WILL STILL BE SINGING ♪

♪ WHEN YOU COME
HOME AGAIN TO WALES ♪

- MEN.
- ♪ THIS LAND OF SONG
WILL KEEP A WELCOME... ♪

MR. RUMBOLD, COULD WE
HAVE IT A BIT LOWER, PLEASE?

YES, I DON'T THINK MY TRUSS
IS INSURED FOR THAT NOTE.

TRY IT IN D-FLAT, MR. HARMAN.

( plays bass bassoon note )

- SORRY.
- YES, AGAIN.

( organ playing )

♪ THIS LAND OF SONG
WILL KEEP A WELCOME ♪

♪ AND WITH A LOVE
THAT NEVER FAILS ♪

EVERYBODY!

♪ WE'LL KISS AWAY
EACH HOUR OF HIRAETH ♪

♪ WHEN YOU COME
HOME AGAIN TO... ♪

♪ WALES. ♪

EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD,
BUT THIS LINE,

"WE'LL KISS AWAY
EACH HOUR OF HIRAETH,"

WHAT IS HIRAETH?

YES, IF WE'RE GOING TO KISS IT,
WE OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ASK THAT.
IT'S THE WELSH WORD FOR LONGING.

OH, WELL I'VE GOT A HIRAETH
TO GO TO THE LADIES ROOM.

IF YOU COULD JUST HANG
ON FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES.

I THINK WHEN WE HIT THAT LAST...

THAT LAST MARVELOUS NOTE,
WE OUGHT TO RAISE OUR ARMS

IN A SORT TRIUMPHANT
GESTURE OF SOME SORT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE GOOD AT
THAT SORT OF THING. SHOW THEM.

YES.

♪ WHEN YOU COME HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ TO WALES. ♪

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

NOW, FROM THE
"KISSING AWAY" BIT.

AND DO TRY TO GET MORE
FEELING INTO THAT TOP NOTE.

RIGHT, THANK YOU, MR. HARMAN.

( plays bass bassoon note )

( organ playing )

♪ WE'LL KISS AWAY
EACH HOUR OF HIRAETH ♪

♪ WHEN YOU COME
HOME AGAIN TO... ♪

( screams ) WALES!

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOUR
BROTHER'S OUTSIDE.

OH, I EXPECT HE'S BROUGHT
THE SHIELD. SHOW HIM IN.

THIS WAY, MR. RUMBOLD.
MR. RUMBOLD WILL SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING
FURTHER, MR. RUMBOLD?

WILL THE RUMBOLDS
BE TAKING COFFEE?

GET OUT, HARMAN.
SIT DOWN, MICROFT.

I EXPECT YOU'VE
BROUGHT THE SHIELD.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT HITCH.

WE'VE TRACED THE GRACE
FAMILY BEYOND WALES.

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING BEYOND
WALES, ONLY A LOT OF SEA.

I MEAN GENEALOGICALLY SPEAKING.

THEY DIDN'T MOVE
TO WALES UNTIL 1843.

BEFORE THEN, THEY
WERE IN SCOTLAND.

WE WOULD HAVE
DISCOVERED IT SOONER,

ONLY AS SO FREQUENTLY
HAPPENS, THE NAME WAS CHANGED.

BUT WHAT WERE THEY CALLED
BEFORE THEY WERE CALLED GRACE?

GROUSE.

BUT WE'VE REHEARSED A
WELSH MUSICAL TRIBUTE.

I'VE PREPARED A SCOTTISH SHIELD.

I CAN'T TURN A THISTLE
BACK INTO A LEEK.

PEACOCK, COULD YOU
ARRANGE FOR YOUR DEPARTMENT

TO STAY BEHIND AFTER
THE STORE CLOSES?

( drums playing )

( bagpipes playing )

( clapping )

MR. SPOONER.

( whistles )

WALKIES.

WAIT!

- MR. RUMBOLD.
- YES, WHAT?

THERE'S A TELEGRAM FOR YOU.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.

OH DEAR, IT'S FROM MY BROTHER.

THEY'VE TRACED THE GRACE
FAMILY EVEN FURTHER BACK NOW.

HOW MUCH FURTHER BACK?

OH WELL, HERE WE GO AGAIN.

( accordion playing )

All: OH ARR, OH ARR.

ONE... TWO... All: OH ARR.

THREE.

FOUR.

♪ OH ♪

♪ WE COME UP FROM SOMERSET ♪

♪ WHERE THE CIDER APPLES GROW ♪

♪ WE'VE COME TO
SEE YOUR MAJESTY ♪

♪ AND HOW THE WORLD DO GROW ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE
WANDERING ANYONE

♪ IF YOU'D KINDLY LET US KNOW ♪

♪ WE'LL ALL COME
UP FROM SOMERSET ♪

♪ BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU SO ♪

♪ WE'VE ALL COME
UP FROM SOMERSET ♪

♪ BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU SO... ♪

ARR! ARR!

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. GRACE ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. ♪

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BROTHER.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY,

IT'S YOURS, YOU SILLY OLD FOOL.

NO WONDER THE
DEPARTMENT'S LOSING MONEY.

MR. GRACE, YOU ARE
PROBABLY WONDERING

WHY THE STAFF OF THE FIRST
FLOOR ARE NOT PRESENT.

IT'S BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN
REHEARSING AND PREPARING

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO YOU.

WE HAVE RESEARCHED INTO THE
EARLIEST KNOWN RECORDS OF YOUR FAMILY.

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THE WELSH GRACES,

THE SCOTCH GROUSES AND
THE SOMERSET GREASES.

AND WE NOW THINK
WE HAVE DISCOVERED

THE TRUE ORIGINS OF YOUR FAMILY.

PREPARE THEN, MR. GRACE, TO
RECEIVE THIS TRIBUTE TO YOUR ROOTS.

( music playing )

♪ WATCH THEM SHUFFLING ALONG ♪

♪ SEE THEM SHUFFLING ALONG ♪

♪ GO TAKE YOUR
BEST GAL, REAL PAL ♪

♪ GO DOWN TO THE
LEVY, I SAID TO THE LEVY ♪

♪ AND JOIN THAT
SHUFFLING THRONG ♪

♪ HEAR THAT MUSIC AND SONG ♪

♪ IT'S SIMPLY GREAT, MATE,
WAITING ON THE LEVY ♪

♪ WAITING FOR
THE ROBERT E. LEE ♪

♪ WATCH THEM SHUFFLING ALONG ♪

♪ SEE THEM SHUFFLING ALONG ♪

♪ GO TAKE YOUR
BEST GAL, REAL PAL ♪

♪ GO DOWN TO THE
LEVY, I SAID TO THE LEVY ♪

♪ AND JOIN THAT
SHUFFLING THRONG ♪

♪ HEAR THAT MUSIC AND SONG ♪

♪ IT'S SIMPLY GREAT, MATE,
WAITING ON THE LEVY ♪

♪ WAITING FOR
THE ROBERT E. LEE ♪

♪ JOIN THAT SHUFFLING THRONG ♪

♪ HEAR THAT MUSIC AND SONG ♪

♪ IT'S SIMPLY GREAT, MATE,
WAITING ON THE LEVY ♪

♪ WAITING FOR THE
ROBERT E. LEE. ♪