Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 3 - Front Page Story - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪

- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

COME ALONG, MRS.
SLOCOMBE, IT'S NEARLY 9:00.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, IF
YOU WAS A GENTLEMAN

YOU'D SEE THAT I'VE GOT MY ARM
STUCK AND YOU'D GIVE ME A HAND.

MR. SPOONER, ARE YOU FREE?

WE DON'T OPEN UNTIL
9:00, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.



UNTIL THEN I CAN EMPLOY
MY TIME ANY WAY I LIKE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO SOME
STOCKTAKING AFTER WE CLOSE?

I'M FREE, I'M FREE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE APPEARS
TO BE TRAPPED IN HER COAT.

- WOULD YOU PLEASE ASSIST HER?
- VERY GOOD, SIR.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. SPOONER.

I SEEM TO HAVE GOT IT STUCK
ON MY CHUNKY BRACELET.

MORE LIKELY TO BE CAUGHT
ON YOUR CHUNKY ARM.

HERE, LET'S HAVE A GO.

( rips )

OOH!

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, WHO'S GOING TO PAY
FOR THIS? IT'S SOLID SILK.

GRACE BROTHERS ARE ONLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCIDENTS



WHICH OCCUR DURING WORKING HOURS

AND WE DON'T OPEN FOR
ANOTHER 21 SECONDS.

IF YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR
COAT BACK ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WE'LL TRY AGAIN IN 30 SECONDS
THEN YOU CAN PUT IN A CLAIM.

GET OUT OF MY AREA
BEFORE I BAT YOUR EARHOLE.

WHERE IS MISS BRAHMS? IN ANOTHER
SECOND SHE'S GOING TO BE LATE.

SORRY I WAS VERY NEARLY
LATE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

BUT I HAD A LIFT IN A
CHAUFFEUR-DRIVEN CAR

AND WHEN I TRIED TO
GET OUT I WAS MOLESTED.

OH, THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.

- DID YOU GET THE NUMBER
OF THE VEHICLE?
- YES, I DID.

- DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK
AT YOUR ATTACKER?
- I DID.

- AND WOULD YOU RECOGNIZE HIM
IF YOU SAW HIM AGAIN?
- I WOULD.

WELL, I FEEL IT MY DUTY TO
REPORT THIS MATTER TO THE POLICE.

IT'S DISGRACEFUL THAT YOUNG
WOMEN CAN'T ACCEPT LIFTS

WITHOUT BEING
MOLESTED IN THIS FASHION.

YOU SHALL HAVE MY FULL
SUPPORT IN THIS MATTER.

OH THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

( elevator dings )

- GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
- All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

OH, YOU HAVEN'T STARTED YET.

SIR, IF I MIGHT HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT?

TRY THIS ONE, IT WORKS BETTER.

MR. GRACE, A VERY SERIOUS
MATTER HAS COME UP

AND I'D LIKE YOUR PERMISSION
TO CONTACT THE POLICE.

BEFORE YOU TELL
ME, I JUST DROPPED IN

TO GIVE THAT YOUNG
LADY HER UMBRELLA BACK.

SHE LEFT IT IN MY CAR.

HOW VERY GOOD OF YOU, SIR.

YES, WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE
SAYING ABOUT THE POLICE?

IT WAS TO SEE IF THEY'D
FOUND THIS VERY UMBRELLA.

THEY'RE MOST EXPENSIVE AND MISS
BRAHMS WAS UPSET ABOUT LOSING IT.

IF YOU ASK ME SHE'S BE
UPSET ABOUT LOSING ANYTHING.

WELL, CARRY ON, EVERYBODY.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY
WELL, EXCEPT ONE OF YOU.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

IT'S ONE LAW FOR THE RICH
AND ANOTHER FOR THE POOR.

I EXPECT YOU WAS
BEING PROVOCATIVE.

I WAS NOT! CRIKEY, WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S HIS GOLD WATCH AND CHAIN.

HOWEVER DID IT GET DOWN THERE?

IT MUST HAVE DROPPED OFF WHEN
HE LEANT OVER TO LOCK THE CAR DOOR.

I'VE A GOOD MIND TO KEEP IT.

MISS BRAHMS, WE
WOULDN'T LIKE TO THINK

YOU WERE JUST A GOOD TIME GIRL.

SHALL I GIVE IT
BACK TO MR. GRACE?

OH, I SAY... IT'S A HUNTER.

IF IT HAD BEEN DOWN
THERE LONG ENOUGH

IT PROBABLY WOULD
HAVE FOUND SOMETHING.

♪ ROLLING ROUND THE
WORLD LOOKING FOR... ♪

SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR
THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.

MR. HARMAN, YOU ARE NOT
ALLOWED ON THE FLOOR AFTER 9:00.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL SAVE UP AND BUY
A HOT AIR BALLOON,

THEN I CAN FLOAT IT ACROSS THE
FLOOR UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS.

ALTERNATIVELY, I WILL
STUDY UNDER URI GELLER

AND IMPROVE MY
MENTAL CONCENTRATION

TO THE POINT THAT I CAN
LIFT IT BY MENTAL "TEPEFATHY."

AND IF I DO YOU MUSTN'T
SHOUT AT ME BECAUSE IF YOU DO

I SHALL LACK CONCENTRATION AND IT
WILL PROBABLY DROP ON YOUR HEAD.

I SHALL IGNORE YOUR
ATTEMPT TO BE INSOLENT.

IF YOU'RE IGNORING IT, WHY ARE ALL THEM
LITTLE VEINS STANDING OUT ON YOUR NECK?

GET OFF THE FLOOR, MR. HARMAN.
I SHAN'T SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

A MESSAGE CAME WITH IT.
SHALL I TAKE THAT WITH ME?

YOU'RE HOLDING OUT YOUR
HAND. DO YOU WANT THE NOTE?

AH, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE
ME TO READ IT FOR YOU?

GIVE ME THE NOTE...

OH, HE SPOKE, THAT'S
NICE. WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN.

IT'S A CARGO NOTE FROM THE
DOCKS. IT READS "VERY FRAGILE."

I CAN'T MAKE OUT THE SIGNATURE.

HERE, LET ME. MY
EYES ARE YOUNGER.

OH, IT'S FROM MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHAT'S MR. HUMPHRIES
SENDING THAT'S FRAGILE?

WE'LL SOON FIND OUT.

- MR. HUMPHRIES!
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M LATE.

THE DELIVERY VAN HAD A PUNCTURE.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO A
FANCY DRESS PARTY?

NO, I'VE BEEN TO QUITE A
NORMAL PARTY ON A BRITISH SHIP.

WELL, AS NORMAL
AS CAN BE EXPECTED.

I HAD ONE DRAMBUIE
SHANDY TOO MANY.

SO I THOUGHT I'LL WALK ROUND
THE SHIP TO SOBER MYSELF UP.

WELL, WHEN I GOT BACK ON DECK
WE WERE PUFFING UP AN ESTUARY.

HOW AWFUL. HOW DID YOU GET OFF?

THERE WAS A TUG PULLING US
OUT SO I CLIMBED DOWN THIS ROPE

OVER THE RAGING SEA AND I
HURLED MYSELF ON THE DECK.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES, HOW BRAVE.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING
POKER WITH SIX BIG STOKERS

AND YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ALL YOUR
WORLDLY POSSESSIONS ON A JACK AND TWO 10s

THEN YOU FIND OUT SOMEBODY'S HOLDING A
PAIR OF QUEENS, YOU DON'T STOP TO THINK.

I ACCEPT YOUR EXCUSE FOR
BEING LATE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

AT LEAST IT'S MORE BELIEVABLE
THAN WHEN YOU CLAIMED

TO HAVE BEEN ARRESTED
AS AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT

AFTER SPENDING A WEEKEND
DOWN A COALMINE IN TONYPANDY.

THAT STORY WAS PERFECTLY TRUE.

I'VE GOT A HAT WITH A LITTLE
LAMP ON THE FRONT TO PROVE IT.

SIR, WOULD YOU MIND SIGNING
THIS REQUISITION FOR THE CLOTHES

- THAT MR. HUMPHRIES
IS NOW WEARING?
- OH YES, CERTAINLY.

AND WHEN HE RETURNS THEM WE CAN
PUT THEM BACK INTO STOCK AS SHOP-SOILED.

YOU KNOW, I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO HIS OWN CLOTHES.

I THOUGHT I'D EXPLAINED THAT. I
WAS TRYING TO WIN THEM BACK.

IT'S FUNNY TO THINK, ISN'T IT?
SOMEWHERE ON THE HIGH SEAS

THERE'S A VERY WELL-DRESSED
MAN SHOVELING COKE INTO A BOILER.

OH WELL, THE MORE WE GET
TO KNOW YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,

THE LESS AMAZING IT SEEMS.

YES, YOU ARE, AFTER ALL,
QUITE AN UNUSUAL PERSON.

IT HAS BEEN MENTIONED.

AND FOR THAT REASON IT HAS
BEEN DECIDED AT MANAGEMENT LEVEL

TO OFFER YOU A VERY SPECIAL JOB
WHICH REQUIRES YOUR SPECIAL TALENTS.

- OH YES?
- YES, PULL UP A CHAIR
AND SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CHAIR.

WELL, I ONLY ASKED ONE
PERSON TO SIT DOWN.

NOW, OLD MR. GRACE HAS DECIDED

THAT OUR STORE SHOULD
HAVE IT'S VERY OWN MAGAZINE.

YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING,
GOSSIP, TIDBITS, WHO'S WHO.

AND WHO'S WHAT?

GENERAL INFORMATION,
PERHAPS A BEAUTY CONTEST.

NOW, YOU ALWAYS SEEM
TO BE UP WITH THE GOSSIP

AND YOU MIX VERY
FREELY WITH PEOPLE.

WHAT YOU SAY DOES HAVE
A RING OF TRUTH ABOUT IT.

SO WE'VE DECIDED TO
OFFER YOU THE EDITORSHIP.

I'M SURE MR. HUMPHRIES
IS VERY FLATTERED, SIR.

- DO I GET EXTRA MONEY?
- I'M AFRAID NOT.

MR. HUMPHRIES
ISN'T VERY FLATTERED.

YOU WILL GET A LOT OF PRESTIGE.

YOUR NAME WILL BE
UP THERE IN PRINT.

I HOPE IT'S GOING TO
BE BIGGER THAN THAT.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO
CALL THE MAGAZINE, SIR?

AH NOW, WE HAD A VERY
LONG MEETING AND DISCUSSION

ABOUT THIS AT BOARDROOM LEVEL

AND WE CAME UP WITH A
COUPLE OF VERY GOOD IDEAS.

LET ME SEE, AH YES.
THE FIRST IDEA WAS

"WHAT'S ON IN THE STORE."

AND THE SECOND IDEA WAS
"WHAT'S UP IN THE STORE."

I THINK IF MY NAME'S
GOING TO BE UP THERE

PERHAPS "WHAT'S
ON IN THE STORE."

WELL, YOU'RE IN
CHARGE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, THE PHOTOGRAPHIC
DEPARTMENT IS AT YOUR DISPOSAL

SHOULD YOU WISH TO PUT IN A
PHOTOGRAPH OF ANY MEMBER OF THE STAFF

WITH A STORY AND THAT DOES
OF COURSE INCLUDE MANAGEMENT.

I SHALL NEED SOME
TIME OFF THE FLOOR, SIR.

FOR THAT I REQUIRE CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S PERMISSION.

COULDN'T YOU TALK TO
PEOPLE IN YOUR COFFEE BREAK?

SUPPOSING I WANT TO
TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH,

YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING,
HARDWORKING EXECUTIVE AT HIS DESK.

BY THE WAY, MR. RUMBOLD,
WHICH IS YOUR BEST SIDE?

I'M NEVER SURE.

NO.

WITH A FACE LIKE YOURS YOU'RE
RATHER SPOILT FOR CHOICE, AREN'T YOU?

I WOULD SAY THE LEFT.

YES, YES, I CAN SEE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
LEAVE THE FLOOR FOR THAT SORT OF THING

SO YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION.

WHICH, OF COURSE, OVERRIDES
CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S PERMISSION.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- YES, WELL, I THINK THAT'S ALL.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS
IS AN IN-STORE THING,

NOTHING TOO SERIOUS,
NOTHING CONTROVERSIAL.

JUST KEEP IT ALL LIGHT AND GAY.

I'LL KEEP IT AS
LIGHT AS POSSIBLE.

AND OH, A WORD OF
ADVICE. AS A TACTICAL MOVE

I'D HAVE A PICTURE
OF OLD MR. GRACE

ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE
FIRST ISSUE. HE'D LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT SURPRISING YOU
ARE WHERE YOU ARE, SIR.

PERHAPS MR. GRACE WOULD LIKE TO BE
PHOTOGRAPHED STANDING NEXT TO MYSELF.

SORT OF CONGRATULATING ME ON
THE EFFICIENCY OF MY DEPARTMENT.

EITHER THAT OR WITH HIS SECRETARY
ON HIS KNEE SHOWING A BIT OF LEG.

THAT SHOULD IMPROVE
THE CIRCULATION.

IT WON'T DO THE MAGAZINE
MUCH HARM EITHER.

NOW HAVE YOU DECIDED WHICH YOUNG LADY
IS GOING TO SIT ON YOUR KNEE, MR. GRACE?

IT'S HARD TO DECIDE.

I BET HE'S BEEN AWAKE ALL
MORNING THINKING ABOUT IT.

THIS IS GOING TO MAKE A
SPLENDID FRONT COVER.

IT WILL SHOW BEHIND THAT FIRM
EXTERIOR YOU HAVE A SENSE OF FUN.

AT HIS AGE, HE'S LUCKY TO
HAVE A SENSE OF ANYTHING.

WHO'S IT GOING TO
BE THEN, MR. GRACE?

STOP TRYING TO SWAY MY OPINION

AND SIT DOWN.

OH YES, THAT'S VERY INFORMAL.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO
SHOW A BIT OF LEG, DEAR.

LOOKING THROUGH HERE IT'S
JUST LIKE A SCENE FROM "DALLAS."

WHAT ABOUT ME, MR. GRACE?
YOU PROMISED YOU'D PUT ME IN IT.

THAT WAS A DIFFERENT
CONVERSATION ALTOGETHER.

I WON'T PUT ALL MY WEIGHT THERE.

NOW, IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MOMENT.

ONE QUICK FLASH
AND IT'LL ALL BE OVER.

THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

I CAN'T SEE MUCH OF YOU, MR. GRACE.
IN FACT, I CAN HARDLY SEE ANYTHING.

I CAN SEE QUITE A LOT FROM HERE.

GIRLS, COULD YOU LEAN BACK SO
THAT WE CAN SEE OUR FOUNDER?

HURRY UP, THE BLOOD'S
STOPPED IN MY LEG.

I WANT LOTS OF
MOVEMENT WITH THE HAIR.

TOSS YOUR HEAD BACK
LIKE THAT. THAT'S IT.

COME ON, GET ON WITH
IT. IS MY TIE STRAIGHT?

YES, YES. COME ON
NOW. PLENTY OF TEETH.

THOSE WHO GOT THEM.

- ( groaning )
- WHAT IS IT, MR. GRACE?

MY LEG'S GONE TO SLEEP.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OFF.

- WE WON'T BE A MINUTE.
- IT MIGHT SPREAD.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE,
TWO... ( all scream )

IT'S CERTAINLY INFORMAL.

I'VE EXPLAINED HOW
THAT CAME ABOUT.

NOW, THESE ARE THE OTHER ONES
AND THAT'S THE ONE I'M GOING TO USE.

HE HAS A GOOD LIFE UP THERE.

I HOPE I CAN GET A PRETTY
GIRL TO SIT ON MY KNEE

WHEN I'M HIS AGE.

I AGREE. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, AS I GET OLDER

IT'S VERY ENCOURAGING
TO FIND THAT YOUNG WOMEN

SEEM TO APPRECIATE SOPHISTICATED
HUMOR, CHARM AND MATURITY.

YOU MEAN MISS HURST, THE
RAVER FROM NOVELTY CANDLES?

I HAD NOBODY PARTICULAR IN MIND.

FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER,
SHE'S NOT VERY PARTICULAR.

OH, I SEE... YOU'VE BEEN HAVING
A GO THERE AND ALL, HAVE YOU?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, YOU DO MAKE
ME LAUGH, YOU MEN.

THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT US WOMEN.

DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT
GIRLS ONLY DO THESE THINGS

FOR PEOPLE LIKE OLD MR. GRACE

OUT OF KINDNESS AND SYMPATHY?

AND BECAUSE HE'S RICH.

LOOK WHO'S TALKING. YOU MEAN TO TELL
ME YOU WOULDN'T SIT ON AN OLD MAN'S KNEE

AND PUT YOUR ARMS
ROUND HIM FOR 1,000 QUID?

- I MIGHT.
- WOULD YOU FOR A POUND?

CERTAINLY NOT. WHAT
DO YOU THINK I AM?

WILLING BUT EXPENSIVE.

YOU'D HAVE TO FORK OUT A FEW BOB

IF YOU EXPECTED ME
TO SIT ON YOUR KNEE.

I AGREE. I'D WANT DANGER MONEY.

IF YOU SAT ON MY KNEE,
I'D WANT DANGER MONEY.

NOT TO MENTION SCAFFOLDING.

DON'T BE CHEEKY TO SENIOR STAFF.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING
THERE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

OH, IT'S FOR THE MAGAZINE. THE
CONTINUAL BATTLE OF THE SEXES

RAGES ON UNABATED
ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

WILL YOUNG MR. SPOONER
SUCCEED IN HIS ENDEAVORS

TO MAKE MISS BRAHMS
FALL FOR HIS MACHO CHARM?

THEIR LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP REACHED
A NEW CLIMAX IN THE CANTEEN TODAY

WHEN SHE SUGGESTED
PAYMENT FOR HER FAVORS.

OH, HOW DARE YOU!
I NEVER SAID THAT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU'RE
TWISTING WHAT WAS SAID.

IT'S GOSSIP. IT'S UP TO ME AS THE
EDITOR TO MAKE IT INTERESTING.

YES, I AGREE WITH MR. HUMPHRIES.

I THINK YOU'RE
BOTH OVERREACTING.

IT'S JUST A BIT OF STORE
GOSSIP, ALL VERY HARMLESS.

OH WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WILL YOU BE TAKING A COPY HOME?

I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. MY WIFE IS ALWAYS
INTERESTED IN WHAT GOES ON HERE.

OH, SHE'LL LOVE THIS BIT.

IT'S HEADED, "FEMME
FATALE IN NOVELTY CANDLES."

"IT HAS COME TO
OUR EDITOR'S NOTICE

THAT MISS B. HURST
OF NOVELTY CANDLES

HAS A CERTAIN MEMBER
OF THE STAFF IN QUITE A TIZZ.

HER LATEST SUITOR IS
FLIRTATIOUS FLOORWALKER

CAPTAIN STEPHEN PEACOCK, 55...

WHOSE CONDUCT AT THE
LAST CHRISTMAS PARTY

RESULTED IN HIS BEING BANNED FROM
HABERDASHERY FOR THREE MONTHS."

HOW DARE YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES? GIVE ME THAT.

WHAT IF MY WIFE WERE
TO GET AHOLD OF THIS?

DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE OVERREACTING?

SHUT UP.

I CAN MAKE LIFE VERY DIFFICULT FOR
YOU ON THE FLOOR, MR. HUMPHRIES.

COME TO THAT, WE ALL CAN.

I'M SURE I DON'T WANT
TO UPSET ANYBODY

BUT, YOU READ THIS SORT OF
THING IN THE PAPERS EVERY DAY.

- WELL, I DO.
- YES, BUT THAT'S OTHER PEOPLE.

IF MY WIFE EVER THOUGHT I
HAD LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN

SHE'D LEAVE ME TOMORROW.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,
PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED.

MR. HUMPHRIES WILL PUBLISH
WHAT WE TELL HIM HE CAN PUBLISH.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
THE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE DOLE?

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT?
- YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING YOU LIKE

AS LONG AS WE'RE
SHOWN IN A GOOD LIGHT.

YEAH, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO
INTEREST PEOPLE OTHER THAN GOSSIP.

YES, THAT'S TRUE. IT'S UP TO
MR. HUMPHRIES TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

ALL IN FAVOR RAISE
THEIR RIGHT HANDS.

MR. HUMPHRIES?

WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR MAGAZINE
TO MENTION OUR GRIEVANCES?

THE PAY RISE WE WERE
PROMISED NEVER CAME THROUGH.

YEAH, AND WHAT
ABOUT THAT £600 BONUS

FOR THE DEPARTMENT?
WE NEVER GOT THAT.

THEY SAID WE DIDN'T
REACH OUR TARGETS.

YEAH, BUT THEY NEVER
SAID WHAT OUR TARGETS WAS.

THEY DIDDLED US OUT OF
IT, THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.

- I COULD HAVE
DONE WITH THAT CASH.
- All: YEAH, INDEED, YES.

WELL, YOU SHOULD STICK
TO THAT SORT OF THING

AND FORGET THE IDLE GOSSIP.

Harman: YOU HEARD THE
LATEST ABOUT MISS HURST,

- THE RAVER
FROM NOVELTY CANDLES?
- I DON'T WISH TO KNOW.

HER DEPARTMENT MANAGER'S FOUND OUT
WHY SHE'S SO OFTEN AWAY FROM THE COUNTER.

- I'M SURE WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.
- AND WHO SHE'S BEEN KISSING
AT THE FIRE EXIT.

I'M PUTTING MY
FINGERS IN MY EARS.

- MR. GROVER OF BEDDING.
- HOW COULD SHE?

GROVER! HE'S MY AGE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, PUT ALL
THAT INFORMATION DOWN,

IT'S DIGESTING. SHE
MUST BE EXPOSED.

FROM WHAT I HEAR,
IT'S A BIT LATE FOR THAT.

I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT GOSSIP.

AH, NOT OURS, BUT
THAT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S.

FUNNY THING, THE
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR.
- MORNING.

THE GENTLEMEN'S
DEPARTMENT IS OVER THE WAY.

- NO, IT'S YOU I WANT.
- REALLY?

YES. THOSE "FUN WIGS,"
HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

£10, SIR. IT'S REAL
LIFELIKE SIMULATED NYLON.

BRUSHABLE, WASHABLE
AND FIREPROOF.

YES, IT'S A NEW LINE, SIR.
STRAIGHT FROM HONG KONG.

MISS BRAHMS, I'M
DEALING WITH THIS SALE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE
GOT VERY NICE HAIR.

OH, THANK YOU. IT'S A
BIT FRIZZY AT THE MOMENT.

NORMALLY I WEAR IT LONGER.

- MISS BRAHMS.
- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

BUZZ OFF.

YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT'S ALL YOU CAN GET NOWADAYS.

MR. SPOONER, WOULD YOU PASS
THAT BLONDE WIG OVER HERE PLEASE?

WOULD THAT BE THE BO
DEREK OR THE FAYE DUNAWAY?

THE FAYE DUNAWAY. OF COURSE, IT'S
REALLY RATHER DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE

THE DIFFERENCE THAT A
WIG LIKE THIS CAN MAKE.

PERHAPS IF I JUST POP IT ON
IT WILL GIVE YOU A BETTER IDEA.

- OH, NO, PLEASE DON'T BOTHER.
- NO, NO, IT'S NO TROUBLE
AT ALL.

OH, YOU KNOW THESE WIGS ARE
WONDERFULLY YOUTH-MAKING.

THE YEARS SIMPLY DROP AWAY.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

EVERYTHING'S DROPPED
EXCEPT THE YEARS.

GET BACK TO YOUR COUNTER.

DO YOU KNOW, THAT IS
JUST WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

CAN I TRY IT ON?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WELL, IT'S... IT'S FOR
A PARTY, YOU SEE?

IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I'M GOING AS A GIRL.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT
LIVEN THINGS UP A BIT.

PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER
LOOK IN THE MIRROR

THEN YOU'LL SEE
HOW LIVELY YOU LOOK.

I WANT TO LOOK
HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.

DO YOU THINK I LOOK
HYSTERICALLY FUNNY?

IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.

OF COURSE IT RATHER DEPENDS
WHO'S GOING TO BE THERE.

- IT'S A STAG PARTY.
- I SEE.

IN THAT CASE, I SUGGEST
YOU GET A MAN'S OPINION.

A GOOD IDEA. OH, EXCUSE ME,

CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?

I THINK I'M TOO LATE.

( phone rings )

MENSWEAR.

OH, IT'S FOR YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
NEWS FOR THE MAGAZINE.

THANK YOU. CITY DESK,
"SPLASH" HUMPHRIES SPEAKING.

OH, YOU'VE GOT SOME NEWS.
TAKE THIS DOWN, MR. SPOONER.

YES. MR. JACOBI OF ACCOUNTS

BEAT MRS. COOK
AND IT TOOK AN HOUR.

OH, IT WAS TABLE-TENNIS.

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT
WILL SET OUR READERS ALIGHT.

NO, THANK YOU. ANOTHER
PIECE OF UNINTERESTING NEWS.

TELEPHONE'S BEEN GOING ALL DAY.
ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU DID SOME WORK?

I CAN'T HELP IT IF PEOPLE
KEEP RINGING ME UP.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN THE EDITORIAL
COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BONUS WE DIDN'T GET?

NO, WITH ALL THESE PHONE
CALLS I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK.

( phone rings )

- OH, IT'S FOR THE NEWSDESK.
- I'LL TAKE THAT.

MR. HUMPHRIES IS TOO BUSY

TO LISTEN TO UNINTERESTING
BITS OF IDLE GOSSIP

FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING
BETTER TO DO THAN SIT ON THEIR BACKSIDES

ALL DAY DOING
NOTHING. WHO IS THAT?

OH, MR. GRACE.

DO YOU KNOW WHO
THIS IS, MR. GRACE?

YOU DON'T, GOOD.

- ( ringing )
- I'LL GET IT.

HUMPHRIES HERE. IT'S HIM AGAIN.

DON'T SAY IT WAS ME.

HELLO, SIR. NO, I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND THAT.

NO, YOU MUST HAVE GOT
THROUGH TO ANOTHER DEPARTMENT.

OH, YOU'VE GOT SOME NEWS.
GOOD, TAKE THIS DOWN, MR. SPOONER.

YES, YOU TOOK HER
OUT OF THE WATER

AND HAD A GOOD
LOOK AT HER BOTTOM.

WHERE ARE YOU
SPEAKING FROM, SIR?

I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU
WERE IN BATHROOM FITTINGS.

AND YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE BARNACLES.

- IS IT ANYONE WE KNOW?
- IT'S HIS BOAT.

HE'S GOING TO PAINT
IT BLACK AND WHITE.

VERY NICE, SIR, WE'LL
DO A COLOR SUPPLEMENT.

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO SPEND 50,000.

OH, I'M SURE THE STAFF WILL
BE DELIGHTED TO HEAR THAT.

THANK YOU FOR THE
NEWS, SIR. GOODBYE.

FANCY SPENDING ALL THAT ON A
FACELIFT FOR A BOAT'S BOTTOM.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO ABOUT IT, MR. EDITOR?

IT'S VERY CONTROVERSIAL

AND MR. RUMBOLD SAID
NOTHING CONTROVERSIAL.

ALL MR. GRACE SEEMS TO BE
INTERESTED IN IS GIRLS AND BOATS.

AND HOW TO GET THE
GIRLS INTO THE BOATS.

- THAT'S IT! I'VE GOT IT.
- WHAT?

HOW TO GET THE BONUS
FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.

I SHALL ANNOUNCE A
BEAUTY COMPETITION

AND THE WINNER WILL GET £600.

THE SORT OF GIRL THAT WORKS IN OUR
STORE WON'T GO IN FOR A BEAUTY COMPETITION.

- WE'LL CALL IT
A HOLIDAY GIRL COMPETITION.
- HOW WILL THAT HELP US?

BECAUSE MISS BRAHMS, ACCORDING
TO ALL THE FELLOWS IN THE BUILDING,

IS THE BEST LOOKING
BIRD IN THE STORE.

SHE WORKS FOR OUR
FLOOR. SHE'S BOUND TO WIN.

BUT WHERE ARE WE
GOING TO GET £600?

- WE'LL GET THAT FROM MR. GRACE.
- NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

OH YES, WE WILL. I'LL SAY
THE SECOND PART OF THE PRIZE

IS A HOLIDAY TRIP ON HIS BOAT.

YES. PERHAPS IT WOULD BE AS WELL
TO KEEP THAT PIECE OF INFORMATION

FROM MISS BRAHMS AT THIS
STAGE OF THE PROCEEDINGS.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MISS
BRAHMS WILL SHARE THE £600?

IF SHE DOESN'T, WE
WON'T HAVE A COMPETITION.

IF SHE AGREES TO
IT, IT'S 100 QUID EACH.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO SET THE PRESSES ROLLING.

COULDN'T YOU DO
THAT AFTER HOURS?

I COULD GO AND INTERVIEW MISS
HURST FROM NOVELTY CANDLES.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU'D
BETTER GET THE PRESSES ROLLING.

IS EVERYTHING READY ON
THE FLOOR, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

YES, SIR, THE GIRLS ARE CHANGING
INTO THEIR HOLIDAY GIRL OUTFITS.

OH, GOOD. I'VE PERSUADED
MR. GRACE TO JUDGE

THE HOLIDAY GIRL COMPETITION. HE
SHOULD BE DOWN IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

SHALL I SAVE A SEAT IN THE
FRONT ROW FOR YOU, SIR?

OH NO, NO. I HAVEN'T
TIME TO ATTEND.

I'VE GOT A LOT OF
PAPERWORK TO DO.

I'M SURE I CAN LEAVE IT IN
YOUR CAPABLE HANDS, PEACOCK.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, IS
MISS HURST TAKING PART?

I CAN'T THINK WHY THE
WORDS "CAPABLE HANDS"

SHOULD REMIND YOU OF MISS
HURST, BUT THE ANSWER IS YES!

'ERE, I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF QUID
ON THE WINNER, MISS BRAHMS.

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE SHE'S
GOING TO BE THE WINNER?

BECAUSE HER IDEA OF
A HOLIDAY GIRL OUTFIT

IS CORSET, SUSPENDERS
AND BLACK STOCKINGS.

OH, THAT OLD CLICHE.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, THESE
PAPERS CAN WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

WHERE'S MR. GRACE GOING TO SIT?

MR. GRACE IS GOING
TO SIT OVER HERE

ACCOMPANIED BY HIS
NURSE AND HIS SECRETARY.

OH, WON'T THEY BE TAKING PART?

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
YES. THEY'LL BE HOLDING HIM UP.

NOW, MR. SPOONER, YOU STAND
OVER HERE WITH THE CAMERA

AND TAKE THE PHOTOGRAPHS
FOR MY MAGAZINE.

THE CONTESTANTS WILL COME ON FROM
HERE AND THEY WILL COME ROUND HERE

AND STAND NEXT TO CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, WHO WILL INTERVIEW THEM

AND THEN YOU WILL HAND THEIR
PARTICULARS OVER TO MR. GRACE'S SECRETARY.

WHAT... WHAT QUESTIONS
DO YOU SUGGEST I ASK?

WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE
MISS WORLD, REALLY.

YOU ASK WHERE THEY'RE FROM,
WHAT THEIR AMBITIONS ARE,

WHAT THEY WANT OUT OF LIFE.

EXCEPT WHEN YOU GET TO MISS HURST.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS OUT OF LIFE.

NOW, WHERE'S OUR WINNER?

OH, SHE'S IN THE CHANGING
ROOM WITH THE OTHER GIRLS.

MISS BRAHMS, ARE YOU READY?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN
YOUR HOLIDAY GIRL OUTFIT.

I'M NOT ENTERING. I'VE JUST FOUND OUT
WHAT THE SECOND PART OF THE PRIZE IS

AND THERE'S NO WAY I'M
SPENDING A WEEK ON HIS BOAT.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO
GET THE 600 QUID THEN?

YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT,
DID YOU, YOU SELFISH COW?

COME ON, WHAT'S FIVE DAYS ON
A BOAT WITH A 90-YEAR-OLD MAN?

FIVE MINUTES IN THE BACK
OF HIS ROLLS-ROYCE WITH HIM

WAS ENOUGH FOR ME. I'M OFF.

HUH!

WELL, THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING FOR IT.

I SHALL HAVE TO SACRIFICE MYSELF

AND REPRESENT THE DEPARTMENT.

THAT'S TORN IT. IT'S GOING TO BE A
WALKOVER FOR NOVELTY CANDLES.

WHICHEVER WAY YOU LOOK
AT IT, SOME OTHER DEPARTMENT

IS GOING TO GET THE £600.

UNLESS...

OH NO, NO.

NONSENSE, YOU WERE A
SENSATION AS SCARLET O'HARA

IN OUR PRODUCTION OF "GONE WITH
THE WIND." ALL EYES WERE UPON YOU.

THAT'S NOT SURPRISING. MR. RUMBOLD
WAS PLAYING CLARK GABLE.

MR. SPOONER, TAKE HIM
AWAY AND GET HIM CHANGED.

NO PLEASE. I SHALL
PHONE THE POLICE.

NO, PLEASE... HELP.

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T
STARTED WITHOUT ME.

- OH NO, SIR.
- PEOPLE OFTEN DO.

IF YOU'D CARE TO
TAKE A SEAT, SIR?

WHAT SPECIAL QUALITIES
ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

CORSETS, SUSPENDERS
AND BLACK STOCKINGS.

OH! OHH OHHH!

WHAT'S LEFT OF THE
CONTESTANTS IS READY.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT'S LEFT?
- WHEN THEY HEARD ABOUT
THE BOAT TRIP

THREE OF THEM WENT
HOME AND ONE'S IN FIRST AID.

OH, CARRY ON, MR. HARMAN.

RIGHT, WELL
INTRODUCING NUMBER ONE,

- MISS BATHROOM FITTINGS.
- ( music playing )

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

MISS HEPBURN. AND
I COME FROM ILFORD.

I'M 32-24-36.

AND WHAT IS YOUR AMBITION?

TO BE KIND TO ANIMALS
AND TO HELP OLD PEOPLE.

OH, WELL DONE. STAND OVER
THERE, WOULD YOU PLEASE.

NEXT PLEASE.

CONTESTANT NUMBER
TWO, MISS HABERDASHERY.

( music playing )

YES.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

MISS COLEMAN. I
COME FROM HATFIELD.

I'M 26-33-22-34.

HMM?

- THE FIRST WAS MY AGE.
- OH.

MY AMBITION IS TO TRAVEL
AND TO HELP OLD PEOPLE.

HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

WOULD YOU MIND QUEUING
OVER THERE PLEASE?

NEXT PLEASE.

CONTESTANT NUMBER
THREE, MISS NOVELTY CANDLES.

AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

MISS HURST.

AS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW.

AND WHAT ARE YOUR MEASUREMENTS?

SAME AS THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN.

MISS HURST'S
MEASUREMENTS ARE 40-26-38

AND SHE COMES FROM OLYMPIA.

AND WHAT IS YOUR AMBITION?

I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.

- OLD PEOPLE?
- NOT NECESSARILY.

WOULD YOU JOIN THE QUEUE PLEASE?

- THAT'S WHAT I
USUALLY SAY TO YOU.
- GET OUT OF HERE.

NEXT PLEASE.

CONTESTANT NUMBER FOUR.

( stripper music playing )

MISS LADIES INTIMATE APPAREL.

I'M GLAD I HAVEN'T GOT
YOUR NERVE IN MY TOOTH.

MISS LADIES "IMINATE" APPAREL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL
THE JUDGES YOUR NAME

AND WHAT PLANET YOU COME FROM?

BETTY SLOCOMBE.
LADIES INTIMATE APPAREL.

36-23-36.

- ( laughing )
- SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE.

AND WHAT IS YOUR AMBITION?

I WANT TO TRAVEL
AND HELP OLD PEOPLE

ON BOATS.

NURSE, CHANGE MY GLASSES,
I'VE GONE WIDE-SIGHTED.

Peacock: THANK YOU,
MISS INTIMATE APPAREL.

Harman: INTRODUCING NUMBER
FIVE, MISS DO-IT-YOURSELF.

( music playing )

AND WHERE ARE YOUR PARTICULARS?

I TREMBLE TO THINK.

THERE WE ARE, SIR.

NUMBER FIVE COMES
FROM BRISTOL CITY.

WHAT IS YOUR AMBITION?

TO GET OUT OF THIS
COSTUME, IT'S CHOKING ME.

MR. GRACE, WE
HAVEN'T FINISHED YET.

OH YES WE HAVE.
SHE'S THE WINNER.

GIVE HER THE MONEY AND
GET HER ON DECK BY 5:30.

WHAT'S GOING ON? HE
HASN'T EVEN LOOKED AT ME.

- ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS
LOOK IN THE ENVELOPE.
- WHAT'S IN THERE?

- THE KEY TO YOUR CABIN.
- IT NEVER... NO, NO.

SHE'S LIVELY LITTLE
THING, ISN'T SHE?

YOU'LL FIND OUT. KEEP AWAY.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪