Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 2 - A Personal Problem - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

THERE WE ARE, SIR,

ONE RECEIPT, ONE HANDKERCHIEF.

WILL YOU BE BLOWING
YOUR NOSE ON IT NOW

OR SHALL WE WRAP IT UP?

I'LL WEAR IT.

MR. SPOONER, YOU'RE LATE.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- IT'S A GOOD JOB
CAPTAIN PEACOCK ISN'T HERE



OTHERWISE YOU'D GET THE
SHARP END OF HIS TONGUE.

WHICH ISN'T A
PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.

OH, REALLY? I HAD A VERY
GOOD EXCUSE MADE UP.

I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM MY
ALARM CLOCK DIDN'T GO OFF,

THE TICKET COLLECTORS WERE SLOW

AND THERE WAS A POWER
CUT ON THE UNDERGROUND.

- HE'D NEVER SWALLOW THAT.
- I'D HAVE DONE IT BETTER.

- GET YOURSELF SORTED OUT
BEFORE HE GETS IN.
- RIGHT.

I'M NOT SURE THIS COLOR
CARDIGAN IS REALLY ME.

BUT IT IS, MADAME.
EVERYBODY HAS A COLOR

WHAT GOES WITH THEIR AURA.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE
AN AURA WHAT IS PINK

AND OTHERS HAVE
AN AURA WHAT IS BLUE.

WHEN I SAW MADAM,
I SAID TO MYSELF,



"MADAM HAS AN AURA WHAT IS
PURPLE WITH WHITE STRIPES."

YES, IT'S QUITE NICE.

AND WHAT'S MORE, IT'S
GENUINE SIMULATED MOHAIR.

BUT THAT GOES ALL
FLAT WHEN YOU WASH IT.

BUT TO COUNTERACT THAT, IT COMES
WITH THIS VERY LOVELY PLASTIC RAKE

TO WILL BRING UP THE PILE.

AND WHAT IS MORE,
IT'S BEEN REDUCED

TO £7.99 FROM 45 QUID.

I'LL TAKE IT.

- CASH OR ACCOUNT?
- ACCOUNT.

MISS BRAHMS, YOU DON'T
PUSH THINGS ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE'VE HAD THAT CARDIE
HANGING AROUND SINCE 1976.

TRY TO PUSH SOME
ACCESSORIES ONTO HER.

BEFORE I MAKE MADAM'S BILL OUT

WOULD MADAM LIKE ANY
ACCESSORIES TO GO WITH IT,

LIKE A NICE PAIR OF KNICKERS?

NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T SEE MYSELF
PULLING A PLASTIC RAKE

OVER MOHAIR KNICKERS.

SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING.

MORNING, YOUNG SIR.

GOOD MORNING.

HERE WE ARE. ( laughs )

( humming )

LOVELY WEATHER AGAIN.

( taps feet )

( playing screeching,
non-musical notes )

( singing very off-key )
♪ IF YOU'RE IRISH ♪

♪ COME INTO THE PARLOR ♪

♪ THERE'S A WELCOME
THERE FOR YOU... ♪

( muttering )

OUT OF WORK MUSICIAN, SIR.

- OLD SOLDIER. OLD SOLDIER.??
- NO, NOT TODAY.

WELL, CRIPPLED, YOU KNOW?

- SORRY?
- CRIPPLED.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SPARE A
COPPER OR TWO FOR A CUP OF TEA.

IT'S THURSDAY, WE'VE NO
MONEY. WE'VE NOT BEEN PAID YET.

WELL, I TAKE AMERICAN EXPRESS.

LOOK, HERE'S 10p. PUSH OFF.

THAT IS GOOD OF YOU, SIR.

AS SOON AS I SAW
YOUR FACE, I SAID,

"YOU'RE ONE IN A MILLION, SIR."

SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.

( sneezes )

- HOW DID HE GET IN?
- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT HE WOULDN'T HAVE IF
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAD BEEN HERE.

I CAN'T THINK WHERE HE IS.

OF ALL THE YEARS I'VE SPENT BEHIND THIS
COUNTER I'VE NEVER KNOWN HIM BE LATE.

IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK
STILL NOT HERE?

HE HASN'T EVEN PHONED
IN ON THE TELEPHONE.

WELL, STRICTLY ENTRE NOUS...

I WAS TALKING TO MRS.
HOPKIRK IN PERSONNEL.

SHE'S A VERY CLOSE FRIEND
OF THE PEACOCK FAMILY.

THEY SHARE THE SAME MILKMAN.

WELL, ACCORDING TO HER,

THEIR MARRIAGE IS A BIT...

- LIKE THAT.
- IS IT?

RUMOR HAS IT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN
GETTING IT TOGETHER FOR SOME TIME.

IT CAN'T BE EASY
IF IT'S LIKE THAT.

APPARENTLY, THE ROT SET
IN AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

IT OFTEN DOES.

IF YOU REMEMBER, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK SPILT BLANCMANGE??

ALL DOWN MISS
PICKTHORN'S CLEAVAGE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS
SEMOLINA PUDDING.

NO, NO. THAT WAS
MR. HARROGATE AND MISS FAWCETT.

- AND THAT WAS
THE YEAR BEFORE.
- HOW TIME FLIES.

ANYWAY, THE QUESTION IS,

WHO GOT IT OUT?

WHAT PARTY WAS THAT?

WHEN THEY GOT HOME, MRS.
PEACOCK CONFRONTED HIM WITH IT

AND ACCUSED HIM OF
RETRIEVING IT FROM HER CLEAVAGE.

AND WHEN HE DENIED IT,

SHE PULLED THE HANDKERCHIEF
OUT OF OF HIS TOP POCKET

AND BITS OF BLANCMANGE
WENT ALL OVER THE CARPET.

RELATIONS HAVE BEEN
VERY STRAINED EVER SINCE.

I DON'T THINK IT DID THE
CARPET VERY MUCH GOOD EITHER.

I DON'T MIND SAYING THIS
TO YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,

BUT MEN CAN BE BEASTS.

WHY DON'T YOU
MIND SAYING IT TO ME?

ANYWAY, HE'S PAYING FOR
ALL HIS DILLETANTING NOW

'CAUSE SHE'S THREATENED
TO CHUCK HIM OUT.

AND THE HOUSE IS IN HER NAME.

AND TO COMPLICATE
MATTERS FURTHER,

THERE'S ANOTHER MAN INVOLVED.

I DIDN'T KNOW CAPTAIN
PEACOCK WAS LIKE THAT.

NO, MRS. PEACOCK.

APPARENTLY SHE SAID, IF IT
WAS ALL RIGHT FOR HIM TO DO IT,

IT WAS ALL RIGHT
FOR HER TO DO IT.

SO WHOSE FRONT IS SHE
CHUCKING BLANCMANGE DOWN?

DON'T LET HIM SEE US TALKING.

- GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING.

I'M SORRY TO BE LATE. MY
ALARM CLOCK FAILED TO GO OFF,

THERE WAS A TICKET
COLLECTORS' GO-SLOW

FOLLOWED BY A POWER
FAILURE ON THE UNDERGROUND.

THAT'S FUNNY, A VERY SIMILAR
THING NEARLY HAPPENED TO ME.

REALLY? WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

OH, JUST LOOK AT HIM.

HIS SHIRT HASN'T BEEN IRONED.

AND IT DOESN'T LOOK
AS THOUGH HE'S SLEPT.

MIND YOU, IT'S HIS OWN FAULT.

MR. SPOONER, JUST TAKE THIS
SUITCASE AWAY AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE.

- I'M STAYING
THE NIGHT WITH FRIENDS.
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HAD SOME TROUBLE AT
HOME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, NO, NO, NO. ONE JUST GETS
BORED WITH STAYING IN THE SAME HOUSE,

AND ONE THINKS TO ONESELF,

"IT WOULD BE NICE TO STAY WITH
ONE'S FRIENDS FOR A CHANGE."

ONE THOUGHT ONE MIGHT HAVE
ONE'S PLUMBER FIXING ONE'S PIPES.

YES, THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN A GOOD REASON, TOO.

EXCUSE ME, WILL YOU?

I SUGGEST YOU BOTH GO AND TIDY
OUR DISPLAY ON THE CENTER STAND.

WITH PLEASURE, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK. WITH PLEASURE.

AH, HELLO, MATTHEW.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO THIS IS.

IT'S YOUR OLD FRIEND STEPHEN.

STEPHEN PEACOCK,
FROM THE BRIDGE CLUB.

YES. I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WELL, ABOUT 6'1", MUSTACHE,

45ish, SLIGHTLY
GRAYING AT THE TEMPLES.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S ME.

NOW, AS I RECALL,
THE LAST TIME WE MET

YOU DID SAY I WAS TO
COME AND STAY SOMETIME.

YES, YOU DID. HOW
WOULD TONIGHT SUIT YOU?

OH, I SEE. HMM.

I THOUGHT BERIBERI HAD BEEN
PRACTICALLY STAMPED OUT IN THIS COUNTRY.

SOME OTHER TIME THEN. YES.

WHAT? OH, I SEE.

YOU MUST LET ME KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE MOVING TO IN CORNWALL.

HAVE WE FINISHED
YET, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, PUT THE MODELS
ROUND THE OTHER WAY.

OH, HELLO, PHILIP.

YES, IT'S STEPHEN HERE.

STEPHEN PEACOCK.

WE MET A COUPLE OF YEARS
AGO AT TORREMOLINOS.

WE HAD ADJOINING ROOMS
AND SHARED THE BALCONY.

YES. WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, ABOUT 6'1", MUSTACHE,

YOUNG 50, GRAYING
OF THE T... WHAT?

( phone clicks )

OPERATOR, YOU'VE CUT ME OFF.

WHAT? OH, DID HE?

NO, I PREFER THEM ROUND
THE OTHER WAY, I THINK.

I WISH HE'D HURRY UP
AND FIND SOMEWHERE.

MY KNEES ARE KILLING ME.

HELLO, AUNTIE HILDA.

IT'S YOUR NEPHEW STEPHEN.

YOU REMEMBER, LITTLE STEPHEN.

WHAT?

ABOUT 4'1"

A YELLOW SCHOOL CAP
AND A BROWN SATCHEL!

I CAN'T HELP FEELING
SORRY FOR HIM.

HE'S BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL MORNING
TRYING TO FIND SOMEBODY TO PUT HIM UP.

HE'S STILL TRYING IN
THE PUBLIC CALL BOX.

MIND YOU, HE HAS SINNED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ALL HE DID WAS
PUT HIS HANDS DOWN

A PAIR OF BRISTOLS TO
GET AT THE BLANCMANGE.

I COULD UNDERSTAND ALL THE
FUSS IF HE'D GIVEN HER ONE.

IF CAPTAIN PEACOCK WAS HERE

HE'D MAKE YOU SIT
AT ANOTHER TABLE

FOR TALKING LIKE THAT
IN FRONT OF A LADY.

TWO LADIES.

ANYWAY, HE HAS BEEN
PUSHING HIS LUCK A BIT.

IT'S NOT THE FIRST
TIME HE'S DONE IT.

- FISH FOR THE BLANCMANGE?
- NO, HAD A BIT OF NOOKIE.

MISS BRAHMS,

WHAT A DREADFUL EXPRESSION.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT THEN?

COMMITTING MISCONDUCT.

IF IT WASN'T CALLED ANYTHING
ELSE, NOBODY WOULD DO IT.

- MORNING, ALL.
- MORNING.

HAVE YOU HEARD
THE LATEST GOSSIP?

MR. HARMAN, WE'RE NOT IN THE
HABIT OF EXCHANGING GOSSIP

WITH PERSONNEL FROM
THE PACKING DEPARTMENT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH
ME IF YOU DON'T WANT

TO HEAR THE LATEST
IN THE PEACOCK SAGA.

DO YOU TAKE SUGAR IN
YOUR COFFEE, MR. HARMAN?

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO
IS THE MYSTERIOUS MR. X

WHAT MRS. PEACOCK'S
TAKEN UP WITH.

IS TAKING UP WITH THE
SAME AS MISCONDUCT?

NO, YOU'RE CONFUSING
IT WITH HAVING IT OFF.

NOW SHUT UP.
MR. HARMAN'S TALKING.

YEAH, GO ON. WHO IS IT?

I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

All: RUMBOLD?!

- GOT IT IN ONE.
- WOULD YOU CREDIT IT?

MRS. PEACOCK AND RUMBOLD?

MIND YOU,

THEY DID DANCE CHEEK TO CHEEK

IN THE LAST WALTZ AT
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

AND THE HOKEY-COKEY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE,

- YOU KNOW RUMBOLD'S LOOKING
FOR A NEW SECRETARY?
- All: YES.

- YOU KNOW MRS. PEACOCK
CAN TYPE.
- YES.

SHE STARTED IN HIS OFFICE TODAY.

( gasps ) THE HUMILIATION OF IT.

RIGHT UNDER HIS VERY NOSE.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY
WHY HE LEFT HOME.

MIND YOU, WHAT'S
SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE

IS SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.

OR IN THIS CASE, BLANCMANGE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU JOIN IN OUR CONVERSATION.

PEACOCK'S COMING.

I'M SORRY TO BE
LATE JOINING YOU.

THE LINES TO THE ISLE
OF MULL WERE BUSY.

- MR. HARMAN.
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

IT IS NOT CUSTOMARY
AT GRACE BROTHERS

FOR THE PACKING DEPARTMENT
TO SIT WITH THE SALES STAFF,

PARTICULARLY IN MY SEAT.

OH, I'M SO SORRY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I WAS JUST KEEPING
IT WARM FOR YOU.

AND IF YOU SHOULD
CATCH A FATAL GERM,

JUST SEND THE BILL TO ME.

WELL NOW, WHAT ARE WE ALL
TALKING ABOUT THIS MORNING?

THIS THAT AND THE OTHER.

MOSTLY THE OTHER.

WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT THE PRICE OF FOOD.

- HOW IT'S GONE UP.
- MEAT, FISH, EGGS, BUTTER.

VEG, BREAD...
EVERYTHING'S GONE UP.

I CAN'T THINK OF ONE
THING THAT'S GONE DOWN.

I CAN... BLANCMANGE.

AH, I'M GLAD I'VE CAUGHT
YOU ALL TOGETHER.

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ADVERTISING
FOR A SECRETARY FOR SOME TIME.

TO MY AMAZEMENT, ONE OF THE
APPLICANTS TURNED OUT TO BE

NONE OTHER THAN MRS. PEACOCK.

OF COURSE YOU ALL KNOW MRS.
PEACOCK FROM THE CHRISTMAS PARTIES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS,

YOUNG SPOONER, MR. GROSSMAN...

OF COURSE, YOU KNOW
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, DON'T YOU?

I USED TO.

YES. WE'RE JUST GOING THROUGH TO
THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM FOR A COFFEE.

CARRY ON, EVERYBODY.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS, I
HAVE JUST REMEMBERED.

I HAVE SOME NEW TIES COMING IN

AND I MUST GO AND
PUT THE PRICES ON THEM.

- I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND.
- YES, WE'D BETTER
BE GOING, TOO.

YEAH, RIGHT.

( sniffles )

OH, WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE.

IT WAS YOU THAT WAS GOING ON
ABOUT THE SAUCE AND ALL THOSE GEESE.

YES, BUT SHE BEHAVED
VERY BADLY JUST THEN.

I MEAN, WHATEVER'S GOING
ON IN THE BACKGROUND,

SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE
HUMILIATED HIM LIKE THAT.

OH! OH, I'VE JUST REMEMBERED

I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY COFFEE.

AND I'VE GOT A
DROP IN MY SAUCER.

THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.

SINCE YOU ARE THE SENIOR
MEMBERS OF MY STAFF

I FEEL I SHOULD GIVE
YOU SOME EXPLANATION

OF THE RECENT HAPPENINGS
IN MY PRIVATE LIFE.

NO, NO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

IF IT'S A PERSONAL MATTER
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US.

YOU DON'T WANT US TO PRY.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

IF YOU HAVE GOT
SOME DIRTY WASHING,

IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA TO TAKE
IT TO A PRIVATE LAUNDRY.

THANK YOU. YOU ALL
KNOW, OF COURSE,

THAT THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN MY WIFE AND MYSELF.

IT ALL STARTED AT
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

I THINK WHAT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S REFERRING TO IS THE...

WHEN THE BLANCMANGE WENT...

HE GOT HIS... AND...

SHE FOUND IT ON HIS HANKY.

NO, THE BLANCMANGE
ON MY HANDKERCHIEF

DID NOT COME FROM MISS
PICKTHORN'S CLEAVAGE.

- WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
- MISS HURST OF NOVELTY CANDLES

IN A PLAYFUL MOOD,
TIPPED HALF A PLATEFUL

DOWN THE INSIDE OF MY TROUSERS.

COULDN'T YOU GET MISS PICKTHORN
TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAST OF IT?

NOT IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

MY MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

HAS BEEN RATHER
STRAINED FOR SOME TIME

AND MY WIFE REGARDED
THIS HARMLESS INCIDENT

AS THE LAST STRAW.

SHE APPEARS TO HAVE TURNED
ELSEWHERE FOR SOLACE.

BUT SURELY,

YOU CAN'T THINK THERE'S
ANYTHING GOING ON

BETWEEN MRS.
PEACOCK AND RUMBOLD.

WHO KNOWS? WOMEN
HAVE ALWAYS BEEN

ATTRACTED TO POWER AND
HE DOES RUN THE DEPARTMENT.

- RUMBOLD'S A MARRIED MAN.
- SO'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I SUPPOSE I AM
PAYING THE PENALTY

FOR BEING AS IT
WERE, JACK THE LAD.

YOU KNOW I NEVER THOUGHT
OF YOU AS JACK THE LAD.

IT'S THE UNCERTAINTY
I CAN'T STAND.

I MEAN, IS SHE GOING THROUGH

THIS BIZARRE CHARADE
JUST TO MAKE ME JEALOUS

OR IS SHE REALLY ATTRACTED TO
THAT BALD-HEADED, JUG-EARED TWIT?

LET'S FACE IT. HE'S ABOUT AS
ROMANTIC AS DONALD DUCK.

I DON'T WANT TO WORRY
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

BUT DONALD'S JUST ORDERED A
BOTTLE OF BUBBLY AND TWO GLASSES.

IT'S ONLY 11:00 IN THE MORNING!

I EXPECT HE'S HOPING TO
GET HER GOING BY LUNCHTIME.

OH, MY GOD.

( knocking )

AH.

MR. GRACE SAID HE WOULD
GRANT ME A MOMENT OF HIS TIME

ON A RATHER URGENT
PERSONAL MATTER.

JUST ONE MOMENT PLEASE.

MR. GRACE, YOU SAID
YOU'D SEE CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

OH, DAMN. YES,
PEACOCK, WHAT IS IT?

IT'S MY WIFE, SIR.

SHE'S WORKING IN MY DEPARTMENT
AS SECRETARY TO MR. RUMBOLD.

OWING TO RATHER
STRAINED MARITAL RELATIONS

I FIND THIS ARRANGEMENT
SOMEWHAT DISTRESSING.

I WONDERED IF SHE COULD BE
TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER POSITION.

OH, YES. I REMEMBER HER

FROM THE LAST CHRISTMAS PARTY.

SHE'S A LIVELY LITTLE THING.

SHE CAN COME AND WORK FOR ME.

I'LL SPEAK TO RUMBOLD.

NURSE, GET THIS THING OFF ME.

I NEED A NEW SECRETARY.

THIS ONE'S GOING
OFF ON A COURSE.

- SHE'S A BIT OUT OF PRACTICE.
- ON REFLECTION'S EYE,

IT WILL BE AS WELL IF MY
WIFE STAYED WHERE SHE IS.

DO YOU FANCY ANOTHER
10 MINUTES ON REGULO 10?

- ALL RIGHT, SIR.
- OH, QUICK, BEFORE I GO
OFF THE BOIL!

DID YOU SEE HIS FACE AS WE
WALKED THROUGH THE CANTEEN?

HE WAS FURIOUS.

I THINK WE'VE PROBABLY GONE
ABOUT FAR ENOUGH, DON'T YOU?

I'M SURE HE'S
ABSOLUTELY WORRIED SICK.

MR. RUMBOLD, I DO APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR ME,

BUT IF WE COULD KEEP IT
GOING JUST A BIT LONGER?

I THINK I'D BETTER TAKE THIS BOTTLE
BACK TO THE WINE DEPARTMENT

OR THEY'LL CHARGE ME.

I'LL BE BACK IN A
COUPLE OF MINUTES.

YOU OUGHT TO GO STRAIGHT INTO
RUMBOLD'S OFFICE AND CONFRONT THEM.

IN THE OLD DAYS, I
WOULD'VE STORMED IN,

SLAPPED HIS FACE WITH A GLOVE
AND CHALLENGED HIM TO A DUEL.

WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?

THOSE WERE THE OLD DAYS. PEOPLE
DON'T DO THAT SORT OF THING NOW.

OH, DON'T THEY?
ONLY A FEW WEEKS AGO

SOMEBODY SLAPPED
MY FACE WITH A GLOVE

AND SAID THEY'D MEET
ME IN THE PARK AT DAWN.

NATURALLY I DIDN'T GO.

TOO BIG FOR YOU, WAS HE?

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK IT WAS A MAN?

COME ALONG, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

FACE UP TO REALITY.
GO AND SEE HIM.

VERY WELL, I WILL.

POOR CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THERE IS A SAYING THAT
WHEN LOVE IS STRONG,

A MAN AND A WOMAN
CAN MAKE THEIR BED

ON THE BLADE OF A SWORD.

BUT WHEN LOVE IS WEAK,

A BED OF 60 CUBITS
IS NOT WIDE ENOUGH.

APART FROM THAT, THE BEDDING
DEPARTMENT DON'T STOCK THEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S
GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT, MOTHER.

CHANCES ARE HE'LL CRAWL BACK
WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

WELL... WELL, I'LL
KEEP YOU POSTED.

BYE, MOTHER.

( knocking )

- WHO IS IT?
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK
TO SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

YOU CAN'T COME IN. WE'RE BUSY.

I SEE.

AHHHH!

IT'S NO GOOD, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET
SOME PROPER EVIDENCE.

WE THINK IT'S AWFUL, YOU NOT
KNOWING ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO
BE SO CONCERNED FOR ME.

I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND OF
MINE IN THE RADIO DEPARTMENT

WHO'S AN ABSOLUTE WIZARD AT
EAVESDROPPING WITH ELECTRONIC BUGS.

HE'S GIVEN ME THIS PEN.
NOW, THE CLIP IS THE ARIAL.

THE TOP IS THE MICROPHONE.

AND YOU CAN TRANSMIT
UP TO 200 YARDS.

YOU PICK IT ALL UP ON
THIS LITTLE RECEIVER, HERE.

THERE. NOW THEN,
ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO

IS TO GET THIS PEN
INTO RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

YOU CAN LISTEN IN. FIND
OUT WHAT'S GOING ON

AND YOU'LL KNOW ONE
WAY OR THE OTHER.

YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT
THESE THINGS, MR. HUMPHRIES.

YES, WELL, MY MOTHER HAD
ONE OF THESE PLANTED ON ME.

SHE WANTED TO FIND
OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON

AND KNOW ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

THE POINT IS, HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET THIS ON RUMBOLD'S DESK?

OH, THAT'S QUITE SIMPLE.

WHEN YOU TAKE SOMETHING
IN FOR HIM TO SIGN,

HE INVARIABLY
PINCHES YOUR PEN...

FOUR-EYED, TWO-FACED,
THIEVING GIT THAT HE IS.

OH, THAT'S EASY THEN. YOU JUST
TAKE SOMETHING FOR HIM TO SIGN.

- OH, THAT I COULD NOT DO.
- ONE OF US COULD DO IT.

I COULD TAKE IT IN.
I'LL BE VERY DISCREET.

I'LL LOOK THROUGH THE KEYHOLE

AND SEE IF THEY'RE HAVING A
SNOG OVER THE SHORT HAND.

IF THEY ARE, I'LL COME BACK AND
TELL YOU AND WE CAN ALL HAVE A LOOK.

JUNIORS ARE NOT ALLOWED INTO
MANAGEMENT WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT.

I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT I
WAS A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

I KEEP FORGETTING
HOW LOWLY I AM.

YOU TAKE IT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IF I SAW HER IN
THERE OGLING HIM,

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO HOLD MY TONGUE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
CUTHBERT RUMBOLD.

- ( knocking )
- WHO IS IT?

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- ENTER.

OH, THE DOOR'S OPEN.

OF COURSE IT IS.

I WONDER IF YOU'D BE KIND ENOUGH,
MR. RUMBOLD, TO SIGN THIS STAFF PURCHASE?

OH, YES, YES.

THANK YOU. SORRY IF I
INTERRUPTED ANYTHING.

YOU DIDN'T.

MR. RUMBOLD,

DO YOU THINK HE WAS
BEHAVING RATHER STRANGELY?

IT'S VERY HARD TO TELL.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

COULD YOU SIGN FOR
THESE SWATCHES PLEASE?

- THANK YOU.
- YES.

THIS ROLL OF CLOTH'S
GOT DAMAGED BY WATER.

CAN THE CLEANING DEPARTMENT
HAVE IT FOR DUSTERS?

OH, YES. YES, CERTAINLY.

THANK YOU.

I... OH, DAMN, THIS IS
MR. HUMPHRIES PEN.

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING IT
BACK TO HIM, MR. HARMAN?

THE NEXT TIME I'M
ON THE FLOOR, SIR.

- HOW DID YOU GET ON?
- HE TOOK IT JUST LIKE
YOU SAID.

NOW, WE MUST GET
TO THE RECEIVER.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
THERE, WARWICK?

IT'S OLD MAXWELL. HE'S
RETIRED FROM DELIVERING.

HE'LL BE ALONG IN A FEW
MINUTES SO AS US AND THE LADS

CAN GIVE HIM A BIT OF A SENDOFF.

AH.

SWITCH ON.

( cork creaks, pops )

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- SOUNDED LIKE SOME SORT
OF A KISS.

( cork pops )

- THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
- MY GOD!

OH, WHAT IS THAT?

IT SOUNDED LIKE THE
TEARING OF CLOTH.

( humming )

AND HE'S HUMMING
WHILE HE'S DOING IT.

WHAT'S THAT TUNE?

"GETTING TO KNOW YOU."

SWINE!

DON'T OPEN ANY MORE, WARWICK,

OTHERWISE YOU WON'T BE
ABLE TO DRIVE THE TRUCK.

THERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IF YOU CLIMB OUT OF THE
FITTING ROOM WINDOW,

CRAWL ALONG THE LEDGE
TO RUMBOLD'S WINDOW,

YOU CAN TAKE THE SNAP
AND THERE'S YOUR EVIDENCE.

LET'S FACE IT. THERE MUST
BE SOMETHING GOING ON.

ELSE, WHY SHOULD
THEY LOCK THE DOOR?

THERE IS NO REAL DANGER.

THE LEDGE IS TWO FOOT WIDE.

NO, IT'S JUST A
PSYCHOLOGICAL FEAR

OF FALLING 40 FOOT
ONTO SOLID CONCRETE.

HE'S GOING TO HAVE A
ROPE ROUND HIS WAIST.

RIGHT. COME ON,
BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.

RIGHT. FOUR MORE
LETTERS AND WE'RE FINISHED.

DO YOU MIND IF I GO
AND POWDER MY NOSE?

NO, NO, OF COURSE
NOT. DO CARRY ON.

- IT'S A LONG WAY DOWN.
- YOU'VE GOT A ROPE
TIED ROUND YOU.

IS THE OTHER END TIED TO
SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL?

THE OTHER HALF I'VE TIED
AROUND MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH! I CAN'T DO IT.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

GIVE ME THAT CAMERA.

HONESTLY, YOU'RE WEAK AS WATER.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE...
- WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOOK DOWN.

I'M MORE WORRIED
ABOUT PEOPLE LOOKING UP.

SHUT THE DOOR, I CAN'T GET BY.

I NEED MORE ROPE!

- YOU HAVE ALL THERE IS.
- Spooner: UNTIE YOURSELF.

GO BOIL YOUR HEAD.

IF YOU GET OUT ON THE LEDGE,
YOU CAN GIVE HER A BIT MORE.

- UNLESS YOU'RE DEAD SCARED.
- HOLD ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I'M COMING OUT.

I'M NEARLY THERE.

HANG ON.

IF I CLOSE THE WINDOW NOW

YOU CAN GIVE HER
A BIT MORE SLACK.

COME ON.

OH. OH.

NO, I STILL NEED A BIT MORE.

- I'M NOT MOVING
ANOTHER INCH.
- OH, YOU COWARD.

PURELY IN THE INTERESTS
OF YOUR SAFETY.

OH.

- I'VE GOT IT.
- DON'T DROP IT.

- IT'S ALL BLANK.
- IT HASN'T DEVELOPED YET.

LET ME IN!

- OH, THE CATCH
HAS BROKEN OFF!
- GET A HAMMER!

I THINK I CAN OPEN
IT WITH MY PENKNIFE.

WELL DONE, SPOONER.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, HURRY
UP. I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT.

IN THAT CASE I'M GOING
TO UNTIE THIS ROPE.

- IT'S COMING.
- WELL DONE, SPOONER.

I'VE BROKEN THE BLADE OFF MY
KNIFE. IT'S REALLY JAMMED NOW.

YOU IDIOT! WHAT
ARE WE GOING TO DO?

DON'T WORRY, THE SPORTS
DEPARTMENT HAVE GOT A SPECIAL OFFER

OF CLIMBING BOOTS AND ICE PICKS.

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WILL BE
OUT OF THE PUB IN HALF AN HOUR.

- THEY'LL LET YOU IN.
- WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
THROUGH MR. RUMBOLD'S WINDOW?

WE CAN'T. HE'LL SEE
WHAT WE'VE BEEN UP TO.

IF YOU DON'T GET IN HERE QUICK,
IT'LL BE OUT IN THE INQUEST, ANYWAY.

GO TO THIS WINDOW
ALONG ON THE RIGHT.

WHAT A GOOD IDEA. GO
ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M NOT BUDGING.

HANG ON TO YOUR GARGOYLES THEN,

BECAUSE I'M COMING PAST.

IF YOU WERE A GENTLEMAN,
YOU'D LET A LADY GO ON THE INSIDE.

IF YOU WEREN'T
SO FAT, YOU COULD.

- GET ON WITH IT THEN.
- COME ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'M COMING. SHUT THE
WINDOW, YOU SOPPY EAR,

'CAUSE I CAN'T GET PAST.

HERE. HANG ON TO THIS.

IT'S JUST HIM. SHE'S NOT THERE.

SHE MUST BE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

LOOK BEHIND THE FILING CABINET.

WELL, ISN'T ANYBODY
GOING TO HELP ME IN?

- OH, YES. CAREFUL.
- COME ON.

HANG ON.

- WHERE ARE WE?
- THE GENTS WASHROOM.

ANY PORT IN A STORM.

COME ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NOT JUST NOW, THANK YOU.

I THINK I'VE GOT A TINY
TOUCH OF VERTIGO.

AH, YOU'RE BACK.

THERE'S A LOT OF NOISE
GOING ON OUT THERE.

- WOULD YOU LOOK
AND SEE WHAT IT IS?
- YES, OF COURSE.

OH MY GOD!

STEPHEN, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO JUMP, ARE YOU?

YOU CAN BET MONEY ON IT.

OH, STEPHEN, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I'VE DRIVEN YOU TO IT.

I WAS TRYING TO
MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

YOU'VE SUCCEEDED BEYOND
YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

PEACOCK, THERE WAS
NEVER ANYTHING BETWEEN US.

IT WAS JUST A MASQUERADE TO
TRY AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

OH, STEPHEN, I COULDN'T
LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

IF THIS GARGOYLE GIVES
WAY YOU MAY HAVE TO.

MRS. PEACOCK, ABOUT
THE BLANCMANGE,

THERE'S A PERFECTLY
INNOCENT EXPLANATION

BUT I DON'T THINK THIS IS
THE TIME OR THE PLA... AHH!

TO THINK YOU WERE GOING TO JUMP

AND HANG YOURSELF AS WELL.

OH, STEPHEN, I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE SO THOROUGH.

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING
OUT HERE, YOU SILLY BITCH?!

I'M BETTER FOR THAT.
WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING?

WELL, MRS. PEACOCK
LOVES CAPTAIN PEACOCK

AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ALIAS
JACK THE LAD, LOVES MRS. PEACOCK.

ALTHOUGH HE'S GOT A VERY
STRANGE WAY OF SHOWING IT.

MR. RUMBOLD, IT APPEARS,
WAS JUST MASQUERADING.

AND I KNOW FROM LONG EXPERIENCE

THAT ONLY LEADS TO TROUBLE.

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WHO HAVE THE
WHEREWITHAL TO OPEN THE LOCKED WINDOW

HAVE JUST COME OUT THE PUB.

OH, ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, SINCE
THE MAINTENANCE MEN

HAVE JUST GOT ON THE 47 BUS,

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
IT'S ALL GOING TO END WELL?

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪