Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 4 - Sit Out - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

I'M STUCK ON SIX ACROSS.

WHAT'S THE CLUE?

CLERICAL PART OF CHICKEN.

SEVEN AND FOUR.

CLERICAL PART OF CHICKEN.

- PARSON'S NOSE.
- OF COURSE.

I'VE GOT A DIFFICULT ONE HERE.



TRAFFIC FLOW ON DUAL
CARRIAGEWAY, QUESTION MARK.

FOUR, THREE, THREE AND FOUR.

THIS WAY AND THAT.

FANCY ME NOT GETTING THAT.

WOULD YOU MIND DISCUSSING YOUR
POPULAR PRESS JUNIOR CROSSWORD

IN A QUIETER VOICE?

I'M CONCENTRATING ON A
DIFFICULT CLUE IN "THE TIMES."

OH, WHAT IS IT, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK? PERHAPS WE CAN HELP.

I RATHER DOUBT IT.

FOUND IN AN ANCIENT GREEK BATH.

TWO WORDS
BEGINNING WITH A AND P.

FOUND IN AN ANCIENT GREEK BATH.

A AND P.

IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.



A PLUG HOLE.

ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE...

ACQUAINTED WITH THE
CLASSICAL AGE, MISS BRAHMS.

I'M NOT. I READ IT
ON A MATCHBOX.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE THEN?

LONG BLONDE HAIR,
TOPLESS, RIDING A BICYCLE.

- WHERE'S THAT?
- PAGE THREE. WANT A LOOK?

OH, I SEE YOU HAVEN'T
FINISHED YOUR TEA.

THERE WERE A LOT
OF TEA LEAVES IN IT.

THE TEA BAG MUST HAVE BURST.

THESE TEA BAGS IS
VERY VERY DELICATE.

MR. GRACE HAS JUST BOUGHT UP A
LOAD OF SECONDS FROM HONG KONG.

PERHAPS YOU POURED
THE WATER IN TOO HARD.

IN FUTURE, I SHALL
BRING MY OWN TEA BAGS.

IT'LL STILL COST YOU 5p A DAY.

IF I'M USING MY OWN TEA-BAGS
HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT?

I'VE STILL GOT TO DELIVER
THE HOT WATER, AIN'T I?

AND THERE'S USE OF THE CUP,
THE SAUCER AND THE SPOON.

AND SERVICE CHARGE
FOR MY SMILING FACE.

- THANK YOU, MR. HARMAN.
- YES, SIR.

YOU SENT FOR ME, SIR?

OH YES, PEACOCK. HAVE YOU GOT
THE MID-MORNING SALES FIGURES?

- YES, SIR.
- WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?

IN MY HEAD.

REALLY, PEACOCK.
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I NEED THE TOTAL SALES.

READYMADES, ACCESSORIES, SKIRTS,

JUMPERS AND INTIMATE APPAREL...
AND I NEED THEM ON PAPER.

VERY WELL, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT?

TO THOSE OF US WHO HAVE
STUDIED MATHEMATICS, SIR,

IT IS KNOWN AS A NAUGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NAUGHT?

WE HAVEN'T TAKEN ONE SOLITARY p.

AND HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT?

WELL, SIR, THERE'S A RECESSION,

MINIMUM LENDING
RATE HAS NOT BEEN CUT,

THE RUSSIANS ARE
STILL IN AFGHANISTAN,

OIL HAS GONE UP $3 A BARREL,

THE SHARED INDEX
IS DOWN 14 POINTS...

BUT I THINK THE MAIN FACTOR IS

THAT THE RAIN HAS BEEN
TIDDLING DOWN ALL MORNING.

THAT'S ABSOLUTE PIFFLE, PEACOCK.

WHEN I'VE SIGNED THESE LETTERS

I SHALL COME OUT ONTO THE
FLOOR AND INVESTIGATE PERSONALLY.

- YES, SIR.
- ( phone ringing )

- IS THAT YOU, RUMBOLD?
- Oh, yes, sir.

HOW ARE THE MID-MORNING
SALES FIGURES?

WELL, NOT TOO BAD, SIR.

WE'RE ONLY £28
DOWN ON YESTERDAY.

YOU ONLY DID £28 YESTERDAY.

HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THIS?

WELL, SIR, THERE'S
THE RECESSION,

THE MINIMUM LENDING
RATE HAS NOT BEEN CUT,

THE RUSSIANS ARE
STILL IN AFGHANISTAN,

THE PRICE OF OIL HAS
GONE UP $3 A BARREL,

THE SHARE INDEX HAS
GONE DOWN 14 POINTS

- AND UM...
- TIDDLING.

IT'S BEEN TIDDLING ALL MORNING.

WHAT WAS THAT?

TIDDLING ALL MORNING.

WHERE ARE YOU SPEAKING FROM?

MY OFFICE, SIR.

YOUR OFFICE IS BETTER
EQUIPPED THAN MINE.

I'M NOT PLEASED, RUMBOLD.

WELL, NEITHER AM I, SIR.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME NOT BEING PLEASED

AND YOU NOT BEING PLEASED.

IN WHAT WAY, SIR?

YOU COULD GET THE CHOP.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS, PEACOCK.

IT IS INDEED. YOU
COULD GET THE CHOP.

I'M COMING DOWN ON THE FLOOR
TO INVESTIGATE PERSONALLY.

YES, SIR, I'LL TELL THEM
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.

NO YOU WON'T. I WANT TO
SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

OR MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHAT THEY'RE NOT DOING.

AFTER YOU, SIR.

LOOK OUT, RUMBOLD'S
COMING ON THE FLOOR.

( loudly ) AS I WAS SAYING, SIR,
IT'S BEEN A VERY QUIET MORNING.

SO WE BUSIED OURSELVES
TIDYING THE PLACE UP.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, SIR,

THE DEVIL FINDS
WORK FOR IDLE HANDS.

IF YOU'VE BEEN SO BUSY TIDYING
UP, WHAT'S THIS PAPER DOING HERE?

- A CUSTOMER LEFT IT, SIR.
- I THOUGHT WE HADN'T HAD
ANY CUSTOMERS.

WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY CUSTOMERS
THAT BOUGHT ANYTHING.

HE CAME IN, LEFT HIS
PAPER AND WENT OUT AGAIN.

36 COPTHORN AVENUE.

- ISN'T THAT YOUR ADDRESS,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- YES, SIR.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHY
YOUR ADDRESS IS ON A CUSTOMER'S PAPER.

I WOULD LIKE TO
EXPLAIN, MR. RUMBOLD.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
EXPLAIN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I'D LIKE THAT EVEN
MORE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THE CUSTOMER CAME
IN FOR SOME GOLF CLUBS.

WE DON'T SELL GOLF CLUBS HERE.

NO, I KNOW, THAT'S
WHY HE WENT OUT AGAIN.

BUT WHILE WE WERE
CHATTING, HE DID IMPLY

THAT HE REMEMBERED PLAYING A
ROUND WITH ME AT GLENEAGLES.

I DENIED IT VEHEMENTLY.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A
GOLF COURSE IN MY LIFE.

WELL, NOT IN DAYLIGHT ANYWAY.

BUT HE SAID HE'D LIKE MY ADDRESS

SO THAT IF HE REMEMBERED
WHERE IT WAS WE MET,

HE COULD WRITE TO ME.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GET EMBROILED,

SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING
CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S ADDRESS.

THAT'S WHY CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S ADDRESS

APPEARS ON THE
BOTTOM OF THAT PAPER.

THAT IS QUITE CORRECT, SIR.

THEN WHY DIDN'T
HE TAKE IT WITH HIM?

YES, WHY DIDN'T HE TAKE
IT WITH HIM, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'VE DONE MY PART OF THE
STORY. IT'S UP TO YOU NOW.

SIR, SINCE THIS ALL OCCURRED
WHILE I WAS IN YOUR OFFICE, SIR,

I CAN THROW NO FURTHER
LIGHT ON THE MATTER.

HE'S NOT VERY BRIGHT.

HE'S ONLY DONE TWO CLUES
IN THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE

AND ONE OF THOSE IS WRONG.

HE DIDN'T LOOK VERY WELL, SIR.

HE LOOKED TO ME AS
THOUGH HE'D GOT MEASLES.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING
IS RADICALLY WRONG.

- GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY.
- COME ALONG.

NOW THIS IS ONE OF THE LOWEST
FIGURES WE HAVE EVER HAD.

EH? WHAT WAS THE
ONE BELOW THAT, THEN?

WHEN WE DIDN'T SELL ANYTHING
ALL DAY AND FIRED THE JUNIOR.

WELL, IF PEOPLE WON'T
BUY, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

ON THE CONTRARY,
IT IS YOUR FAULT.

NOW LET ME PAINT YOU
A PARALLEL PICTURE.

THINK OF A HALF-FULL
JAM-POT WITH A HOLE IN THE LID.

NOW A WASP COMES
ALONG, CLIMBS THROUGH...

BECAUSE HE'S ATTRACTED TO
THE JAM... AND GETS HIS FEET STUCK.

NOW WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THIS?

WE'VE GOT TO HAVE A LITTLE
HOLE INSTEAD OF THE LIFT DOORS,

PAINT THE FLOOR WITH GLUE

AND WE'LL END UP WITH A
STORE FULL OF DEAD CUSTOMERS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT
IT MORE PLAINLY.

NOW YOU ARE THE JAM.

ONCE A CUSTOMER GETS TO THE
COUNTER, YOU MUST CAPTURE HIS ATTENTION

AND NOT RELEASE HIM
UNTIL YOU'VE MADE A SALE.

THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT HALF OF
THEM CRAWL THROUGH THE LITTLE HOLE

AND THEN BUZZ OFF AS SOON
AS THEY SEE CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT'S HIS FORBIDDING STARE.

PERHAPS WE'RE GETTING
TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

MAYBE WE'VE GOT THE WRONG
MIXTURE OF PERSONALITIES HERE.

LOOK, LET'S TRY SOMETHING.

LET'S HAVE MR. HUMPHRIES
GREETING THE CUSTOMERS.

I MEAN, HE HAS A GENIAL,
OUTGOING PERSONALITY.

LET'S SEE... LET'S
SEE HOW THAT WORKS.

WE MAY HAVE TO WAIT QUITE A TIME,
SIR. THERE AREN'T ANY CUSTOMERS.

THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A
PROBLEM, I'LL BE A CUSTOMER.

'ERE, YOU'RE TOTALLY
IGNORING OUR SIDE, AREN'T YOU?

I MEAN, WE GET CUSTOMERS
AND ALL, YOU KNOW.

WHY CAN'T MRS. SLOCOMBE
BE A LADY CUSTOMER?

AND WHY CAN'T YOU
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

YOU KNOW, I THINK
THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

LOOK, YOU CAN BE MY
WIFE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NOW, WE ARE, LET'S SAY, A TYPICAL
MARRIED COUPLE COMING INTO THE STORE.

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS.

WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT BUT
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT.

IT MUST BE MAGIC
BEING MARRIED TO YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING UP THE STAIRS SO THAT I
CAN COME OUT OF THE LITTLE HOLE.

MR. RUMBOLD, WHY ARE
YOU HOLDING MY HAND?

YOU'RE MY WIFE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M
GOING TO DO, RUN AWAY?

Humphries: MORNING,
SIR. MORNING, MADAM.

- DREADFUL MORNING.
- YES, INDEED.

YES, I HAVEN'T KNOWN SUCH
WEATHER SINCE MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS.

OH WELL, IT'S GOOD FOR
THE GARDEN THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

- YES, HAVE YOU GOT A BIG ONE?
- NOT THAT BIG.

WELL, IT'S THE BEST SORT.

WE MUST HAVE WANTED SOMETHING SOMETHING
BADLY TO COME IN WEATHER LIKE THIS.

TO TELL YOU YOU TRUTH,
WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT WE WANT.

I SEE. WELL, OUR EVENING
BAGS ARE VERY REASONABLE.

- THEY ARE NICE, AREN'T THEY?
- HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

£15, REDUCED FROM 25.

OH, YOU CAN HAVE ONE, MY DEAR.

OH, HOW SWEET OF YOU.

SALE, MISS BRAHMS.

AFTER A NIGHT OUT AT THE
OPERA WITH THE EVENING BAG,

WHAT COULD BE NICER THAN TO GO
HOME AND SLIP INTO ONE OF OUR NIGHTIES?

£28.

IT'S RATHER
TRANSPARENT, ISN'T IT?

TO OVERCOME THAT COMPLAINT,
SIR, I USUALLY SELL THEM TWO.

IT'S CALLED THE SALOME LOOK.

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T.

IF YOUR CASE, YOU DON'T.

AND WE HAVE A
SPECIAL OFFER TODAY...

THE PERFUME. THERE.

IT'S A BIT STRONG, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT'S CALLED POWER FAILURE.

- WHY IS THAT?
- YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND
YOUR WIFE IN THE DARK.

THAT'S £77 ALTOGETHER.

- CASH OR ACCOUNT?
- ACCOUNT.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE?

£77 WORTH OF BUSINESS
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

AND ALL BECAUSE OF
MR. HUMPHRIES' GENIAL PERSONALITY.

MR. RUMBOLD, SHOULD CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S JOB BECOME VACANT,

I AM NOT ONLY READY BUT WILLING.

I HAVE YOU VERY MUCH
IN MIND, MR. HUMPHRIES.

BEFORE ANYBODY
MAKES A HASTY DECISION,

MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT WE DO GET
LESS COOPERATIVE CUSTOMERS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

IF MR. HUMPHRIES WOULD
CARE TO PLAY THE ROLE AGAIN,

PERHAPS I COULD DEMONSTRATE.

I'M SURE MR. HUMPHRIES
WILL OBLIGE.

PERHAPS MISS BRAHMS
WILL BE MY WIFE.

DON'T BE DAFT. A GIRL HER
AGE WOULD NEVER MARRY YOU.

COME TO THAT, A MAN MY
AGE WOULD NEVER MARRY YOU.

IT IS ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE,
DON'T LET'S ARGUE.

VERY WELL, LET'S GET
UPSTAIRS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I BET IT'S A LONG TIME SINCE
ANYONE'S SAID THAT TO YOU.

SHUT UP.

NOW, NOW, JUST A MOMENT.

REMEMBER, YOU ARE A TYPICAL
SUBURBAN MARRIED COUPLE.

I OBJECT TO THAT
WORD, "SUBURBAN."

WELL, HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS.

- HAVE YOU GOT TWO BATHROOMS
IN YOUR HOUSE?
- NO.

HAVE YOU GOT GNOMES
IN YOUR GARDEN?

A COUPLE OF VERY SMALL ONES.

ARE YOU WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE
OF A METROPOLITAN LINE STATION?

- YES.
- YOU'RE SUBURBAN.

OH, COME ON. LET'S
GET ON WITH IT.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, MADAM.

IT IS QUITE PLAIN TO
ANYBODY BUT A BIRDBRAIN

THAT IT IS NOTHING
LIKE A GOOD MORNING.

- IT'S TEEMING WITH RAIN.
- IT'S GOOD FOR THE GARDEN.

ON THE CONTRARY, MY FISH
POND HAS BEEN FLOODED.

ALL MY GOLDFISH HAVE BEEN
SLUICED INTO THE GUTTER.

- HEAVEN KNOWS
WHERE THEY ARE NOW.
- LOST IN SUBURBIA.

YOU MUST'VE WANTED SOMETHING VERY
BADLY TO COME OUT IN WEATHER LIKE THIS

WE DO. A HANDBAG.

I'M NOT BUYING YOU A HANDBAG.

COME, SIR, YOU CAN'T HAVE
MADAM WALKING AROUND

WITH AN OLD BAG ON HER ARM.

WHY NOT? I'VE BEEN
DOING IT FOR YEARS.

- CHEEKY MONKEY.
- OH!

COULD I INTEREST YOU IN
OUR SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIES?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN CORRUGATED IRON?

LOOK, I'M NOT PLAYING IF
HE'S GOING ON LIKE THIS.

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF,
SIR? A PAIR OF GLOVES, FOR INSTANCE.

WE HAVE HUNDREDS AND
HUNDREDS OF PAIRS TO CHOOSE FROM.

SERVE YOU RIGHT
FOR BUYING SO MANY.

YOU'RE BEING DELIBERATELY
PIG-HEADED AND OBSTINATE.

WHAT A WAY TO TALK TO A CUSTOMER.
I SHALL TAKE MY TRADE ELSEWHERE.

- DO THAT.
- COME ALONG, HILDA.

I'M NOT BUDGING FROM THIS SPOT
UNTIL YOU'VE BOUGHT ME SOMETHING,

YOU MEAN OLD SKINFLINT.

I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS
TO SPEND MY MONEY ON

THAN YOU, YOU OLD RAT-BAG.

WELL, HE SPENT £77 ON ME.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
HE CAN HAVE YOU.

- ( all arguing )
- I'M JUST TRYING
TO DEMONSTRATE...

BE QUIET.

NO WONDER YOU'RE NOT SELLING
ANYTHING, IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU CARRY ON.

ANYWAY, IT'S MADE
MY MIND UP FOR ME.

I'M GOING TO KNOCK
YOUR WAGES DOWN BY 10%.

WITH RESPECT, MR. GRACE,
THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS.

IT'S EITHER THAT OR I SHALL
MOVE YOUR WHOLE DEPARTMENT

DOWN INTO THE BARGAIN BASEMENT.

BUT IT'S NEARLY ALL STORAGE.
NOBODY GOES DOWN THERE.

JUDGING FROM YOUR FIGURES,
NOBODY'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

THERE, THAT TOLD THEM.

DOES POWER LIKE THAT EXCITE YOU?

OH, YES, SIR.

GOOD, YOU'RE EASILY PLEASED.

OH, IT'S SO HUMILIATING.

I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT AT MY TIME OF LIFE

I'D BE REDUCED TO
THE BARGAIN BASEMENT.

KEEP ON EATING THOSE CREAM CAKES,
NOBODY'LL KNOW YOU'VE BEEN REDUCED.

I KEEP THINKING, WHAT WILL
THEY SAY ABOUT US IN THE TRADE?

A GENTS DEPARTMENT IN THE
BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UNPRECEDENTED.

I'LL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF SWAN AND EDGARS.

MY MOTHER WILL HAVE TO
RESIGN FROM THE CO-OP.

I THINK I OUGHT TO
LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB.

- WHAT COULD YOU DO?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT COULD I DO?

I'VE GOT MY BRAIN.
I'VE GOT MY EYES.

MY SENSES, MY HANDS, MY FEET.

YOU COULD BE A GUIDE DOG.

IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR MISS BRAHMS.

SHE CAN GET MARRIED TO SOMEBODY

WHO'LL KEEP HER IN THE MANNER
TO WHICH SHE'S ACCUSTOMED.

I DON'T WANT TO
LIVE IN THE MANNER

TO WHICH I'VE BECOME ACCUSTOMED.

COMING IN HERE EVERY DAY,

LARRY GRAYSON SATURDAY,
ROAST AND TWO VEG SUNDAY.

I WANT SOME EXCITEMENT. I WANT
TO DO SOMETHING WITH ME LIFE.

I'M LOOKING FOR "DALLAS"

AND ALL I'M GETTING IS
"CORONATION STREET."

YOU'RE LUCKY. ALL I'M
GETTING IS "JACKANORY."

LIFE IS VERY DULL TODAY.

I WAS LUCKY.

I HAD THE WAR.

YOU COULD BECOME A
MERCENARY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I DON'T THINK MERCENARIES
HAVE A PAY CORPS.

I WAS NOT IN THE PAY
CORPS, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I WAS WITH THE
R.A.S.C. IN THE DESERT.

- RUNNING THE COOKHOUSE.
- I WAS IN THE FRONT LINE,

OFTEN WITH 24 HOURS
OF CONSTANT SHELLING.

AND WHEN HE FINISHED THE PEAS,
HE HAD TO GET ON WITH THE POTATOES.

WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,

I CAN'T AFFORD TO
TAKE A 10% PAY CUT.

YOU COULD EASILY MAKE IT UP.
SEND YOUR PUSSY OUT TO WORK.

IT'S AGAINST MY NATURE,
BUT I FEEL MILITANT.

WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

WELL, I'M NOT GOING
TO TAKE A 10% CUT,

AND I'M NOT GOING
DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

IN A NUTSHELL, I AM NOT GOING
TO TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.

- WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?
- A SIT-IN.

YES, BUT IF WE HAVE A
SIT-IN IN THE DEPARTMENT,

NO ONE WILL KNOW.

CAN'T WE HAVE A SIT-IN
OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR?

NO, NO, NO, ALL THEY'VE
GOT TO DO IS BOLT THE DOOR

AND WE'RE LOCKED
OUT IN THE COLD.

WE'LL HAVE TO STAND ROUND
A BRASSIERE LIKE THE FIREMEN.

A BRAZIER, MISS BRAHMS.

YOU DON'T HAVE A
FIRE IN A BRASSIERE.

OH, YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN HER AT THE DISCO.

WE WANT TO INCONVENIENCE THEM.

I'M NOT SITTING IN THE LOO.

I HAD A FRIEND ONCE
IN WORMWOOD SCRUBS,

AND HE HAD A GRIEVANCE
AND HE WENT UP ON THE ROOF

WRAPPED UP IN A BLANKET
WITH A BUCKET ON HIS HEAD

AND HE WOULDN'T COME DOWN
TILL HIS DEMANDS HAD BEEN MEET.

- WHAT WAS HE DEMANDING?
- SOMEONE TO HELP HIM OFF
WITH HIS BUCKET.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE
THE IDEA OF THE ROOF.

IT WILL ALERT THE PUBLIC
TO OUR GRIEVANCES.

- RIGHT, WHO'S WITH ME?
- WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE?

RIGHT, 9:30 TOMORROW
MORNING ON THE ROOF.

IT'S NEARLY 9:30.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

DON'T ASK ME.

WELL THEY WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE HERE EARLY

TO HELP MOVE THE STOCK
DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT.

( elevator bell rings )

AH, ABOUT TIME. COME
ON, YOU LOT, YOU'RE LATE.

( blowing raspberries )

COME ON NOW, HURRY UP. LET'S GO.

IT'S HORRIBLE COMING UP HERE.

Peacock: HURRY
UP, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS DOOR
BARRED BEFORE ANYONE PURSUES US.

OH, THAT'S TORN IT. THERE'S NO BOLT
ON THE OUTSIDE AND THE KEY IS MISSING.

I'VE THOUGHT OF EVERY EVENTUALITY.
I CAME UP HERE ON A RECCE.

HOLD THAT... HOLD
THAT AGAINST THERE.

THERE WE ARE. HANG ON.

THERE.

WELL, WE'RE UP HERE.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WE HAVE TO ALERT THE
PUBLIC TO OUR GRIEVANCES.

YEAH, LIKE HER FRIEND
FROM WORMWOOD SCRUBS.

I'M NOT PUTTING A BUCKET ON MY
HEAD, AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

NO, NO, NO, WE NEED TO
SHOUT OVER THE PARAPET.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. OI!

IT'S NO GOOD SHOUTING "OI."
THEY'LL THINK WE'RE WORKMEN.

- WHAT, DRESSED LIKE THIS?
- WE NEED A SLOGAN TO SHOUT.

HOW ABOUT, "GRACE
BROTHERS UNFAIR

TO SALESPERSONS"?

GREAT. LOOK, THERE'S A LOAD OF
PEOPLE DOWN THERE. LET'S TRY IT.

READY? GO!

( all overlapping ) GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

NO, NO, NO, WE NEED
TO GET IT TOGETHER.

NOW, FOLLOW ME.

RIGHT.

( all together ) GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

MR. GROSSMAN, LOOK, YOU'RE
DOING UNFAIR ON ONE BEAT.

IT SHOULD BE TWO. UNFAIR.

GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

- NOW, ALL TOGETHER.
- Together: GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

- AGAIN.
- GRACE BROTHERS UNFAIR
TO SALESPERSONS.

GOOD. NOW QUICK,
WHILE YOU'VE GOT IT,

TURN ROUND AND DO
IT OVER THE PARAPET.

Together: GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

- OH LOOK, HE'S SEEN US.
- WHO? WHO?

THAT LITTLE BABY IN THE PRAM. LOOK,
HE'S KEEPING TIME WITH HIS RATTLES.

SO HE IS. TUTTY, TUTTY, TUTTY.

NO, THEY OBVIOUSLY
CAN'T HEAR US.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND SOME OTHER
WAY OF ATTRACTING THEIR ATTENTION.

WELL, LET'S CHUCK OVER
A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE.

WE DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYBODY.
WE JUST WANT THEIR ATTENTION.

WHAT ABOUT A PAPER DART?

I USED TO MAKE PAPER DARTS
WHEN I WAS A MIXED INFANT.

I ONCE THREW THIS ONE TO PROPOSE
TO A LITTLE GIRL SIX DESKS AWAY.

OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET.
DID SHE ACCEPT?

NO, SOMEBODY SNEEZED AND
THE LITTLE BOY NEXT TO HER GOT IT.

HE STILL WRITES TO ME FROM
A BENEDICTINE MONASTERY.

I'VE GOT A LIST OF
OUR DEMANDS HERE.

NOW THAT SHOULD BE
IDEAL FOR A PAPER DART.

- HERE WE ARE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- THANK YOU.

YES, FOLD IT IN TWO.

- THAT'S RIGHT. I USED
TO BE QUITE GOOD AT THAT.
- WERE YOU REALLY?

AND OVER, AND THOSE BITS DOWN.

THAT SIDE UP AND
TURN THESE OVER.

THERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. HUMPHRIES, THAT IS NOT A
PAPER DART, IT'S A PAPER HAT.

SO IT IS. THAT WAS
ANOTHER TIME ENTIRELY.

HE WAS A VICE ADMIRAL.

DO YOU KNOW, YOUR LIFE
ISN'T LIKE "JACKANORY" AT ALL,

IT'S MORE LIKE "BLUE PETER."

FATE HAS INTERVENED. I'VE
FOUND A POT OF RED PAINT.

WHAT GOOD'S THAT?

WE CAN PAINT THE SLOGAN ON THE
WALL, THEY'LL SEE IT ALL OVER LONDON.

RIGHT, COME ALONG.

WELL, GO ON THEN, GET CRACKING.

NO, I CAN'T DO IT. I'VE
GOT NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS.

I CAN'T EVEN TAKE
TALL GIRLS OUT.

I'LL GLADLY DO IT IF SOMEONE
WOULDN'T MIND HOLDING MY TRUSS.

COME ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
WE'LL HANG ON TO YOUR COATTAILS.

I'M AFRAID I MUST DECLINE.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS
A FEARLESS SOLDIER.

YEAH, HE WASN'T TRAINED
TO SHELL PEAS UPSIDE-DOWN.

- HE'S PLAIN SCARED.
- I AM NOT SCARED.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THE MEN OF
MY CORPS WERE MADE OF. HERE.

YEOW!

OH, WEAK AS WATER
THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU.

HERE, GIVE THAT TO ME.

I DO ALL ME OWN
DECORATING AT HOME.

- WELL, BE CAREFUL.
- RIGHT, HANG ON TO ME ANKLES.

NOW, WHAT WAS THAT SLOGAN AGAIN?

- GRACE BROTHERS...
- AH! HOLD ON!

GRACE BROTHERS
UNFAIR TO SALESPERSONS.

RIGHT, GRACE.

GUH...

YOU THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE TO SEE THAT
FROM DOWN THERE? IS IT BIG ENOUGH?

IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO
BE SEEN FROM UP HERE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM. THERE
WILL HAVE TO STAND ON THEIR HEADS.

YOU'RE WRITING UPSIDE-DOWN.

OH, PULL ME UP,
I'M GETTING DIZZY.

- GIVE ME YOUR HAND,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- RIGHT.

OH, I DROPPED THE POT.

WE'VE ATTRACTED
ATTENTION NOW, ALL RIGHT.

SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK A RED
POLICEMAN IS GOING TO BE ON OUR SIDE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE MANAGING
THIS VERY WELL, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- BY NOW THEY KNOW
WE'RE UP HERE,

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW
WE ARE BEING MILITANT.

YEAH, OR WHAT WE'RE
BEING MILITANT ABOUT.

WE CAME UP HERE MUCH TOO SOON.

THE FIRST THING WE
SHOULD HAVE DONE

WAS TO TELL MR. GRACE
WHAT OUR GRIEVANCES WERE.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE
NOW. WE'RE CUT OFF.

OH NO IT ISN'T. COME
OVER HERE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I'M NOT GOING TO HANG MYSELF.

THERE HASN'T BEEN A MARTYR
IN MY FAMILY FOR 500 YEARS.

THERE'S ANOTHER APPLICANT FOR THE
POST OF ASSISTANT SECRETARY, MR. GRACE.

WELL, SHOW HER IN.

THIS IS MR. GRACE.

THANK YOU, DEAR. LEAVE US ALONE.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- VIRGINIA EDWARDS.

THAT'S A NICE NAME.
YOU'RE A LIVELY LITTLE THING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
MY CURRICULUM VITAE?

NOT AT 10:30 IN THE MORNING.

COME AND SIT ON MY KNEE.

GOOD, YOU'RE NOT TOO HEAVY.

- SHALL WE BEGIN
THE TYPING TEST?
- YES, SIR.

DEAR SIR.

I'M USED TO WORKING
WITH SUCH OLD EQUIPMENT.

WELL, WE ALL HAVE
OUR CROSSES TO BEAR.

- MR. GRACE!
- YES, DEAR?

A MAN'S JUST APPEARED OUTSIDE
YOUR WINDOW AND HE'S BECKONING.

HAS HE A SICKLE AND
A LONG WHITE BEARD,

AND IS HE WEARING A NIGHTSHIRT?

- NO.
- OH, THANK HEAVENS
FOR THAT.

IT'S YOUNG MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

PRACTICING TO BE A FAIRY?

I'VE JUST COME TO SAY
WE'RE ALL UP ON THE ROOF

AND WE'RE NOT COMING DOWN UNTIL
OUR DEMANDS HAVE BEEN SATISFIED.

I'M IN VERY MUCH
THE SAME POSITION.

HANG ON, VIRGINIA.

NOW BACK TO OUR LETTER.

CAREFUL, GET HIM OVER THE EDGE.

DON'T LET HIM GO.

COME ON, MR. HUMPHRIES.

CAREFUL NOW. CAREFUL.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE
MUCH TIME TO TALK TO ME

BUT I MANAGED TO ATTRACT THE
ATTENTION OF MR. PATEL FROM ACCOUNTS

- HE WAS IN THE ADMIN
WASHROOM ON THE FIFTH FLOOR.
- WILL HE SPREAD THE WORD?

HE SAID HE WOULD IF HE COULD,

BUT HE COULD ONLY
MANAGE ONE THING AT A TIME.

- DID HE SEE YOUR POINT OF VIEW?
- YES. THAT'S UPSET HIM
MORE THAN THE NEWS.

( sirens wail )

OH HECK, THE POLICEMAN'S
CALLED IN THE FLYING SQUAD.

ESCALATE OUR ACTION. WE'LL SLING
SOME BRICKS DOWN THAT VENTILATOR.

( airplane flies overhead )

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, BROTHERS.

I'VE COME TO TELL YOU YOU HAVE THE
FULL SUPPORT OF THE PACKING DEPARTMENT.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
- WE HAVE PASSED THREE
RESOLUTIONS.

ONE, THAT WE ARE BEHIND YOU.

TWO, THAT YOUR CASE
WILL REST ON THE TABLE.

THREE, WE WILL NOT
CROSS YOUR PICKET LINE.

SINCE OUR PICKET
LINE'S ON THE ROOF

I DON'T SEE THAT WILL
MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

WE'RE GOING TO CALL
AN EMERGENCY MEETING

OF THE ACTION COMMITTEE
FOR THE SAME TIME NEXT WEEK

WITH THE VIEW OF PLACING THE
WHOLE MATTER BEFORE A.C.A.S.

THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, BUT WHAT ARE
YOU GOING TO DO THIS VERY MINUTE?

WHAT ALL UNIONS DO WHEN
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- PUT THE KETTLE ON.

- ( whirring )
- JUST A MINUTE,
WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

Spooner: IT'S COMING
FROM THE LIFT SHAFT.

QUICK, LET'S SEE WHO'S COMING.

( whirring )

MR. RUMBOLD, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU DOING?

I'M STANDING ON
THE TOP OF THE LIFT.

I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW I THINK
YOU'RE BEHAVING VERY IRRESPONSIBLY.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE
WE EXPECTED TO DO?

LOOK, WE IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

ARE BRINGING EVERY CONCEIVABLE
MORAL PRESSURE TO BEAR,

AND YOU CUT THE GROUND
FROM BENEATH OUR FEET.

WHO PRESSED THAT BUTTON?

MOVE ME UP AGAIN AT ONCE.

NOBODY LIKES TAKING CUTS.

BUT AS THE PRIME MINISTER SAID,

YOU MAY NOT LIKE THE MEDICINE,

BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY THE
PATIENTS GOING TO GET WELL.

IF WE ALL STICK TOGETHER, WE'LL
ALL PULL THROUGH TO BETTER TIMES.

LET'S HAVE SOME OF THE
SPIRIT OF DRAKE AND NELSON

AND WINSTON CHURCHILL.
NOW WHAT ABOUT IT?

SIR, I THINK YOUR MENTION OF
CHURCHILL HAS STRUCK THE RIGHT NOTE,

- DON'T YOU AGREE?
- All: WE DO.

TAKE ME DOWN.

OH, YOU'VE BLOWN A FUSE.

IT SEEMS AS IF YOU'RE WITH
US AFTER ALL, MR. RUMBOLD.

- I'LL TAKE THE STAIRS.
- YOU CAN'T, CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAS BOARDED THEM UP.

THIS IS INTOLERABLE. HOW
AM I GOING TO GET DOWN?

- JUMP OFF THE PARAPET
AND FLAP YOUR EARS.
- HOW DARE YOU?

LOOK AT THE SMOKE. IT'S
COMING THROUGH THE VENTILATOR.

I WONDER WHERE
THAT'S COMING FROM.

OH, DO YOU THINK THE
BUILDING'S ON FIRE?

IT'S PROBABLY FUMES FROM THE CANTEEN.
THEY'RE ALWAYS BURNING SOMETHING.

MAYBE THEY'RE DOING
SMOKED HADDOCK.

- ( alarm ringing )
- NO, IT'S NOT SMOKED HADDOCK.

- THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE.
- WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

Miss Brahms: GET
THAT DOOR OPENED UP!

- ( all screaming )
- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

THAT SIREN WASN'T THE LAW,

IT WAS THE FIRE
BRIGADE, OH, LOOK.

RIGHT THEN, WHO'S FIRST?

- Mrs. Slocombe: I AM!
- Miss Brahms: THEN ME!

( alarm stops )

BLIMEY.

BERT, WE'LL NEED
THE STRONGER LADDER.

Peacock: WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE PACKING DEPARTMENT
KNOCKED OVER THE GAS RING

AND THE BARGAIN
BASEMENT'S ALIGHT.

A-HA, WELL EVERY CLOUD
HAS A SILVER LINING.

AND LEAST THEY CAN'T
SEND US DOWN THERE NOW.

- YOU!
- YOU!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
BENEDICTINE MONASTERY?

WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.

YOU CAN TELL ME ON THE WAY DOWN.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪