Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 4 - Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES,
HATS, UNDERWEAR... ♪

THERE WE ARE.

AND I DO HOPE THE HAT
GIVES EVERY SATISFACTION.

I'M SURE IT WILL.

ANYWAY, I SAID TO MR. RUMBOLD,

I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO
BE STOOD STUCK HERE.



I WANT TO BE CONSIDERED
FOR ADVANCEMENT,"

- SO HE PUT ME DOWN.
- DO YOU MEAN HE TOLD YOU
TO UP IT?

NO, HE PUT ME DOWN ON THE LIST.

SO IF ANYTHING COMES
UP IN THE EXECUTIVE LINE,

I'M IN LINE FOR IT.

IF YOU GET PROMOTION, DOES
THAT MEAN I'LL GET YOUR JOB?

NORMALLY THEY'D GIVE MY
JOB TO SOMEBODY OF MY AGE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU
LOOK VERY DEPRESSED.

I WAS JUST THINKING. I
MIGHT NOT LIVE THAT LONG.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR?

WHICH IS A SILLY QUESTION,
BECAUSE I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE NOT.

- I'D LIKE A RAINCOAT, PLEASE.
- YES, RAINCOAT RAIL,
MR. LUCAS.

RAINCOAT RAIL COMING
UP, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- GABARDINE OR PLASTIC, SIR?
- PLASTIC, PLEASE.



NOW, LET ME SEE, YOU
LOOK LIKE A 44 LONG TO ME.

- WHAT COLOR, SIR?
- PREFERABLY BLACK.

YES, YOU CAN'T GO
WRONG WITH BLACK.

- ONE BLACK PLASTIC MAC.
- THANK YOU.

- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SLIP THIS ON?
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THESE ARE VERY USEFUL.
THEY ROLL UP VERY SMALL

AND YOU CAN CARRY THEM IN YOUR
LITTLE TRANSPARENT PIXIE HOOD.

DO YOU HAVE A MIRROR?

THANK YOU.

IS THE... IS THE
COLOR SUITABLE, SIR?

YES, THE COLOR'S PERFECT.

IT IS A LITTLE NOISY
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

DO YOU KNOW, WE'VE NEVER
HAD THAT COMPLAINT BEFORE,

- HAVE WE, MR. LUCAS?
- NO, WE HAVEN'T, MR. HUMPHRIES.

SEE, I DON'T WANT TO
DRAW ATTENTION TO MYSELF.

PERHAPS IF YOU
DID IT A BIT QUICKER?

NO, NO, NO. THE SPEED
IS RATHER CRITICAL.

GABARDINE WOULD BE QUIETER.

ONE SILENT GABARDINE COMING UP.

YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF,

NOW, WHY DOES THIS GENTLEMAN
HAVE SUCH A SPECIFIC REQUIREMENT

FOR A BLACK PLASTIC MAC?

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT
I WAS ASKING MYSELF THAT.

AND I TOLD MYSELF IT
WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

YOU SEE, I WORK FOR A BIG
MAGAZINE AS A PHOTOGRAPHER.

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF THING, LEAPING
OUT ON WELL-KNOWN PERSONALITIES,

CATCHING THEM IN AN
OFF-GUARD MOMENT AS IT WERE.

LOOK, LET ME SHOW YOU THIS.

THERE'S A REMOTE CONTROL
BUTTON GOES FROM HERE

THROUGH THE POCKET OF
THE COAT, AND ALL I HAVE TO DO

IS TO GIVE IT THE RIGHT
EXPOSURE. NOW WATCH.

WOULD YOU MIND DOING THAT AGAIN?

MY FRIENDS CALL
ME CANDID CAMERON.

IF YOU WEAR THIS, THEY'LL
CALL YOU GABARDINE ANGUS.

OH, YES.

- THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER.
- YES, OF COURSE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, CAN
YOU SPARE A MOMENT?

CERTAINLY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON?

THIS GENTLEMAN IS
PRACTICING HIS EXPOSURE.

I KNOW IT TAKES ALL
SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD,

BUT MAY I SUGGEST THAT
YOU AND YOUR FRIEND

CONFINE SUCH ACTIVITIES
TO YOUR LEISURE HOURS?

THE AMBULANCE HAS JUST
ARRIVED, MR. RUMBOLD,

AND THE STRETCHER WILL BE
UP IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?
- I THINK IT'S FOOD POISONING.

AS SOON AS I NOTICED RISSOLES ON
THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM MENU,

I THOUGHT, I HOPE THEY DIDN'T MAKE
THAT OUT OF WEDNESDAY'S SHEPHERD'S PIE,

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ALL THAT COP WHEN
IT WAS LANCASHIRE HOTPOT ON TUESDAY.

THEY WERE FISH RISSOLES.

AH, WELL THAT WAS MONDAY'S COD.

I THINK I'VE GOT GLANDS
COMING UP BEHIND MY EAR.

IT'S GOOD JOB YOU MENTIONED THAT
BECAUSE WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE SPOTTED IT.

- ( murmuring )
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

AMBULANCE MEN HAVE GONE
INTO MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

WHATEVER'S
HAPPENING, MR. HARMAN?

MR. RUMBOLD'S BEEN TAKEN QUEER.

ANYTHING I CAN DO?

- HAVE YOU ANY IDEA
WHAT CAUSED IT?
- RISSOLES.

I ASKED YOU A PERFECTLY
CIVIL QUESTION, MR. HARMAN.

- THIS WAY, PLEASE.
- HERE HE COMES.

GET OUT OF THE WAY.
GET OUT OF THE WAY.

Humphries: OH, I SAY!

WHAT A SHAME, HE'S JUST HAD
HIS SHOES SOLED AND HEELED.

I THINK HE'S GOING INTO A COMA.

BLIMEY! DON'T SAY HE HAD
THE TREACLE PUDDING AS WELL.

WE THINK IT'S FOOD POISONING.

- POOR MR. RUMBOLD.
- HE DOESN'T LOOK VERY GOOD,
DOES HE?

I HAD AN UNCLE HAD RISSOLES
ONCE AND HE WENT STIFF ALL OVER.

WAS THAT FOOD POISONING?

NO, RIGOR MORTIS.

MAY I SAY ON BEHALF OF THE
DEPARTMENT HOW SORRY WE ALL ARE

AND WISH YOU A
SPEEDY RECOVERY, SIR?

IF YOU DON'T COME BACK,
WE'LL TREAT YOU LIKE NELSON.

ON THE SPOT IN THE CANTEEN WHERE
YOU FELL WE'LL HAVE A BRASS RISSOLE.

JUST A MOMENT.

SIR, HAVE YOU SET THE MACHINERY
IN MOTION FOR A REPLACEMENT?

THAT'LL BE UP TO
YOUNG MR. GRACE.

PERHAPS YOU'LL PUT IN A
GOOD WORD IN FOR ME, SIR.

ALSO, I WOULD BE MOST HAPPY

TO STEP INTO YOUR
SHOES IF YOU WISH.

I THINK THE MOST SUITABLE
PERSON TO TAKE OVER IN MY ABSENCE

WOULD BE... WOULD BE...

WOULD BE S...

HE WAS TRYING TO FORM A
NAME BEGINNING WITH AN "S."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT WAS HIS BREATH ESCAPING.

( breathing heavily )

HUH. HUH. "H."

HUMPHRIES, IT'S ME.

HE'S SHAKING HIS
HEAD. IT'S NOT YOU.

LOO... LOO...

LOO-LOO-LOO... LUCAS!
HE'S TRYING TO SAY LUCAS.

NO, NO, NO. HE'S TRYING
TO SAY LOOSEN HIS TIE.

COME ON, LOVE, THIS
IS MRS. SLOCOMBE

LOOSENING YOUR TIE,

NOW, CAN YOU TRY AND POINT TO THE
ONE YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER FROM YOU?

HE'S POINTING TO
MY LEGS. IT'S ME.

NO, HE'S PASSED OUT.

IT'S THE SEDATIVE I'VE
GIVEN HIM. BRING HIM ALONG.

WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWN
BY THE SERVICE LIFT.

GOOD IDEA, YOU CAN GIVE HIM A
SHORT SERVICE ON THE WAY OUT.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR,
FOR LETTING ME KNOW.

IT WAS FOOD POISONING.

OH, HE SHOULDN'T
HAVE ATE THAT RISSOLE.

FANCY ANYONE ORDERING
RISSOLES IN OUR CANTEEN,

THE MAN'S A FOOL TO HIMSELF.

WELL, IT DOES PUT A LOT
OF STRAIN ON YOU, SIR.

I MEAN, YOU WAS HOPING TO
GO AWAY FOR THE BANK HOLIDAY.

WILL YOU BE ABLE TO
HAVE IT OFF NOW, SIR?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WILL YOU BE ABLE
TO HAVE IT OFF NOW?

( chuckling )

IT'S A BIT SOON AFTER LUNCH.

LET'S DO SOME LETTERS.

EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE, SIR,

BUT THE MEMBERS OF THE LADIES
AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT

IS HERE TO ASK WHO YOU REQUIRE
TO TAKE OVER MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

OH, VERY WELL.

MR. GRACE WILL SEE YOU NOW.

ANY NEWS OF OUR
DEAR COLLEAGUE, SIR?

HE'LL BE RIGHT AS RAIN
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHO'S
GOING TO TAKE OVER, MR. GRACE,

BEARING IN MIND THAT I HAVE APPLIED
FOR PROMOTION ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS.

AND BEARING IN MIND THAT I
HAVE A LIFETIME'S EXPERIENCE.

YES, WELL IT'S A
VERY IMPORTANT POST.

COULDN'T HAVE
ANYONE AS OLD AS YOU.

WITH ALL DUE DEFERENCE,

THERE IS A PRECEDENT
FOR SOMEONE OF GREAT AGE

HOLDING A POSITION OF
AUTHORITY IN THE STORE,

NAMELY YOURSELF.

THERE'S A GREAT DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

- IN WHAT WAY?
- I OWN THE PLACE, YOU DON'T.

WELL, IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE WITH DRIVE,

TACT, INGENUITY, CLASS

AND CHARISMA, I KNOW
THE VERY PERSON.

BUT HE'S TOO MODEST
TO MENTION HIS NAME.

SO I'LL JUST POINT.

I THINK LADIES OUGHT
TO BE GIVEN A CHANCE.

YOU WAIT TILL AFTER THE
BELL AND YOU'LL GET YOURS.

NOW, I'VE ALREADY
MADE SOME NOTES.

LET'S SEE.

"CAPTAIN PEACOCK, T.V.F."

THAT'S TOO VALUABLE
ON THE FLOOR.

"GOLDBERG, P.I."

- PRACTICALLY IRREPLACEABLE?
- PAST IT.

I'VE GOT A QUESTION MARK
AGAINST MR. HUMPHRIES.

THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

MISS BRAHMS.

I SEEM TO REMEMBER WE'VE
GOT HER DOWN AS A POSSIBLE.

- NO, THAT'S ON
THE OTHER LIST, SIR.
- I SEE, YES.

"MRS. SLOCOMBE, WORTH
TRYING IN A NEW POSITION."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE
OTHER LIST AS WELL.

OH, IF I DO GET IT,

I'LL THROW MYSELF
INTO IT BODY AND SOUL.

UNLESS YOU'RE GOING
TO INVEST IN A REINFORCED

CHAIR, I'D JUST
SETTLE FOR THE SOUL.

I MUST STATE HERE AND
NOW THAT I WOULD NOT SUBMIT

TO ANY ARRANGEMENT WHEREBY
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS OVER ME.

- OH, SHE WON'T BE OVER YOU.
- HAVE I GOT IT? HAVE I GOT IT?

- IF SHE HAS, I SHALL RESIGN.
- SHE'S GOT IT.

AS I WAS SAYING, I SHALL
RESIGN MYSELF TO MY FATE.

- BUT I TRUST I SHALL STILL BE
IN JURISDICTION ON THE FLOOR.
- DONE.

'ERE, IF SHE'S GOT PROMOTION,
DOES THAT MEAN I'VE GOT HER JOB?

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT
OUT HERE AND NOW

THAT MISS BRAHMS DOES
NOT HAVE THE EXPERIENCE

FOR SUCH A RESPONSIBLE JOB.

AND I SAY THAT AS
HEAD OF DEPARTMENT.

WITHOUT ANY
JURISDICTION ON THE FLOOR.

I SUGGEST THAT YOU ADVERTISE
THE VACANCY FOR MY POST.

YES, GET ON TO YOUR FRIEND AT THE
TAILOR AND CUTTER, MR. HUMPHRIES,

AND INSERT AN ADVERTISEMENT.

"WANTED, CRABBY OLD BAG

TO BE DRAGON IN CHARGE
OF LADIES INTIMATE APPAREL.

AGE INDETERMINATE."

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING SO HELPFUL AND SO QUICK.

THANK YOU, MADAM. DO CALL AGAIN.

I WILL, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, MADAM.

THIRD SALE THIS
MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.

I'VE GOT THE SCOPE
NOW, HAVEN'T I?

I MEAN, I NEVER GOT A
LOOK IN WHEN SHE WAS HERE.

YOUR EXTRA SUPERVISOR'S
FRILLS ARE MOST BECOMING.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I SAY, SHE'S A BIT
LATE, ISN'T SHE?

WELL, EXECUTIVE STAFF,

OR SO-CALLED EXECUTIVE STAFF,

ARE NOT EXPECTED
TO BE IN BEFORE 9:30.

IT IS NOW PRECISELY 9:30.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOU KNOW, THESE EXECUTIVE
BRIEFCASES ARE HEAVY.

BROUGHT YOUR SANDWICHES
WITH YOU, HAVE YOU?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, REPRIMAND
YOUR JUNIOR, WOULD YOU?

MR. LUCAS, THAT
WAS VERY NAUGHTY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, FOR YOU

TO WISH YOU LUCK THE
FIRST DAY ON YOUR NEW JOB.

NOBODY DESERVES IT BETTER.

OH, BLUE TO MATCH MY EYES.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE BLUE
TO MATCH HER VARICOSE VEINS.

NOW, THINK ON,
ANY LITTLE PROBLEM,

DON'T HESITATE TO ASK ME.

MR. HUMPHRIES, IF YOU'VE
QUITE FINISHED CRAWLING,

WOULD YOU GET ON WITH YOUR DUTY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, A
MEMBER OF THE STAFF

IS HAVING A "CONFLAB" WITH A SENIOR
EXECUTIVE, KINDLY DON'T INTERRUPT.

YOU'RE FORGETTING, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THAT I AM IN CHARGE ON THIS FLOOR,

AND THAT PARTICULAR MEMBER OF
THE STAFF IS UNDER MY JURISDICTION.

MR. GRACE WILL HAVE TO
GIVE A RULING ON THAT POINT.

WELL, IN THE MEANTIME,

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING
FURTHER TO SAY, MR. HUMPHRIES,

SAY IT, AND GET
BACK TO YOUR DUTIES.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY

HOW LADYLIKE MRS. SLOCOMBE LOOKS

AND HOW... HOW NICE
AND RESTRAINED SHE IS,

CONSIDERING YOU'RE
BEING SO AGGRAVATING.

WHEN THE CANDIDATES
FOR MY VACANT POST ARRIVE

SHOW THEM INTO MY
OFFICE, WOULD YOU?

PERSONNEL HAVE
ALREADY INFORMED ME

THAT THEY CAN'T FIND ANYONE EVEN
REMOTELY INTERESTED IN TAKING YOUR POSITION

AT THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW
WAGE YOU WERE RECEIVING.

WELL, THEY'LL JUST
HAVE TO PAY MORE THEN,

BECAUSE MISS BRAHMS

CERTAINLY ISN'T EXPERIENCED
ENOUGH TO BE ON HER OWN.

OH, CHEEK.

YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE TWICE AS
MUCH BUSINESS AS HER OF A MORNING

AND I EVEN HAVEN'T
HAD COFFEE YET.

YOUR TALENTS HAVE BEEN NOTED
AND APPROVED, MISS BRAHMS.

YOU KNOW THAT WAS
THE MOST TERRIBLE

EXHIBITION OF
SUCKING UP TO TEACHER

I'VE SEEN SINCE I WAS
A KID AT KINDERGARTEN.

I ALWAYS BELIEVE IN HAVING
FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES.

IS THAT WHY YOU WENT ON THAT
CLIMBING HOLIDAY WITH THAT STEEPLEJACK?

HE WASN'T A STEEPLEJACK.
HE WAS A LUMBERJACK,

AND WE WENT POTHOLING.

DO YOU KNOW HE SAVED MY LIFE WHEN I
DAMAGED MY EQUIPMENT ON A STALAGMITE?

- ARE THEY THE ONES THAT GO UP?
- WELL, THIS ONE DID.

OH, MY OWN OFFICE.

I SHALL STAMP MY
PERSONALITY ON IT.

SHOULD YOU REQUIRE
AN EMERGENCY CUPPA,

THERE'S AN ELECTRIC KETTLE IN
THE BOTTOM LEFT-HAND DRAWER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MR. HARMAN?

I'M REMOVING MR. RUMBOLD'S
EXECUTIVE SOAP,

FACE FLANNEL AND TOWEL

WHICH IS MANDATORY
FOR THE EXECUTIVE KHARZI.

YOU, OF COURSE, WILL
BE SUPPLYING YOUR OWN.

WILL I GET A KEY?

YEAH, YOU GET THE KEY
FOR THE EXECUTIVE KHARZI

FROM MR. BANCROFT,
THEATER BOOKINGS.

WILL YOU ALSO BE
REQUIRING MR. RUMBOLD'S

SUPPLEMENTARY
SUPPLY OF MERINGUES?

YES, THEY'LL COME IN
NICE FOR AFTERNOON TEA.

I WONDER...

I'VE JUST BROUGHT
MY LITTLE CAMERA,

AND WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A
PICTURE OF ME AT MY EXECUTIVE DESK?

YES, CERTAINLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

RIGHT. OH.

I CAN GET YOU, I CAN
GET THE EXECUTIVE DESK,

BUT NOT BOTH.
COULD YOU SIT DOWN?

HANG ON A MINUTE, THIS IS GOING TO
BE A VERY, VERY HISTORICAL PICTURE.

I'LL GET YOU THE MOMENT YOU SIT.

- RIGHT? RIGHT.
- ( rude sputtering )

THERE'S A NOTE PINNED TO IT.

"I'M SURE YOU'LL BE A BIG
NOISE IN GRACE BROTHERS.

SIGNED, MR. LUCAS."

OH WELL.

ONE LITTLE PRACTICAL
JOKE I CAN OVERLOOK.

BUT I SHALL HAVE TO TELL
HIM HE'S A NAUGHTY BOY.

RIGHT, WHO'S WITH
AND WHO'S WITHOUT?

- I'M WITH.
- I'M WITH.

- ONE WITH. TWO WITH.
- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WITH, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN WITHOUT.

AND A GLASS OF HOT WATER
FOR YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

OH DAMN.

I'VE FORGOTTEN MY
INDIGESTION TABLETS.

JUST DRINK THE HOT WATER AND WE'LL
HOIST THE GALE WARNINGS OVER THE COUNTER.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THE
SAME WITHOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NO, IT ISN'T.

IT'S MUCH MORE PLEASANT.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR
YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.

SHE'S MANAGED TO PERSUADE
MR. GRACE TO COUGH UP

FOR A TWO-PIECE
MADE-TO-MEASURE EXECUTIVE SUIT,

AND YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE SOME
PATTERNS TO HER OFFICE AT 3:00.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING.
I'LL SEND MY JUNIOR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR THE LUNCH, MR. GRACE,

PERHAPS WE CAN
CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION

ON THE EFFECT OF TELEVISION
ON THE RETAIL TRADE TOMORROW?

I WASN'T TALKING
ABOUT THAT RUBBISH.

I JUST SAID I FANCIED THAT BIRD

WHO DID THE TURKISH DELIGHT ADS.

WELL, GOOD DAY, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD DAY, MR. GRACE.

- HOW'S MISS BRAHMS GETTING ON?
- VERY WELL INDEED, SIR.

WE DON'T NOTICE MRS.
SLOCOMBE'S ABSENCE AT ALL.

IN FACT, THE FIGURES ARE UP.

WELL, I'M SURE THAT'S
ONLY TEMPORARY.

ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL JOIN
MY STAFF FOR COFFEE.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
MR. GRACE.
- GOOD.

WELL, YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

MISS BRAHMS, YOU'RE
SITTING IN MY SEAT.

NO, I'M NOT. THIS USED TO BE YOUR
SEAT BEFORE YOU WAS ELEVATED.

NOW I'VE GOT YOUR
JOB, I'M SITTING HERE.

YOU'RE GETTING A BIT ABOVE
YOURSELF, MISS BRAHMS.

AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH THOSE FRILLS?

THOSE ARE SUPERVISOR'S
FRILLS AND YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED

UNTIL YOU'RE ESTABLISHED,
AND YOU'RE ONLY TEMPORARY.

AND IF YOU DON'T MOVE OVER
I'LL MAKE YOU TAKE THEM OFF.

- YOU HOLD YOUR GROUND.
- AND YOU SHUT YOUR GOB.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I WOULD DEEM IT
AN HONOR IF YOU'D HAVE MY SEAT.

THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE
GOING TO GO A LONG WAY.

ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.

WOULD YOU PASS THE SUGAR?

WELL, WHAT WERE
WE ALL DISCUSSING?

THE FACT THAT IT IS
ONE MINUTE TO 2:00.

TIME WE WERE ALL
BACK IN THE DEPARTMENT.

DO YOU LIKE MY
SPOON, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

MR. HUMPHRIES.

HELLO, OPERATOR.

HAVE THERE BEEN
ANY CALLS FOR ME?

WHAT, NONE AT ALL?

OH, I SEE.

WELL, IF THERE ARE
ANY CALLS FOR ME,

MAKE SURE YOU PUT
THEM STRAIGHT THROUGH.

( sighs )

I MUST REMEMBER TO BRING A
LITTLE CAKE FORK TOMORROW.

( sighs )

OOO, HOW NASTY!

HELLO, OFFICE EQUIPMENT.

THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE,

HEAD OF GENTS
AND LADIES APPAREL.

COULD YOU SEND ME UP SOME
GREEN BLOTTING PAPER, PLEASE.

I MEAN, THIS PINK
MUCK'S SO COMMON.

YOU HAVE TO SUPPLY THE
PINK UNTIL IT RUNS OUT?

WELL, WHEN WILL THAT BE?

1992?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( sighs )

OH HECK.

HELLO, COSMETICS.

MISS COMLOZI, PLEASE.

OH HELLO, EDNA LOVE.

IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD,

BUT I'VE JUST BEEN MADE HEAD
OF MENS AND LADIES APPAREL

AND I WAS WONDERING,
COULD YOU POSSIBLY SEND UP

SOME SAMPLES OF
COSMETICS AND TOILETRIES

SUITABLE FOR THE
EXECUTIVE WASHROOM?

NO, LOVE, I COULDN'T
POSSIBLY COME DOWN THERE.

I'M RUSHED OFF ME FEET
WITH THIS NEW DEPARTMENT.

THANK YOU. I'M MUCH OBLIGED.

( sighs )

( trumpeting )

- HELLO, MISS BRAHMS?
- HELLO.

THIS IS BETTY HERE, DEAR.

I'M SORRY I WAS A BIT SHORT
WITH YOU AT THE DINNER-TABLE,

BUT I'VE BEEN
RUSHED OFF ME FEET.

WHAT HAVE YOU PHONED ME FOR?

I MISSED OUR LITTLE MORNING CHAT

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D
LIKE TO POP IN FOR A CUP OF TEA.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
TO ME AND MRS. AXELBY LAST NIGHT.

WE WENT TO THIS ROLLER DISCO.

I HAVEN'T GOT TIME NOW. I'VE
GOT A £3,000 FUR COAT CUSTOMER.

BUT I'VE SAVED YOU A MERINGUE.

AND I'VE GOT A CROCODILE
HANDBAG WAITING.

I SEE.

HAVE YOU TAKEN THOSE
FRILLS OFF YOUR BLOUSE YET?

- NO.
- WELL, SEE TO IT!

( knocking at door )

JUST A MOMENT.

ENTER.

YES, YOU HAVE MY AUTHORITY
TO PROCEED WITH THAT ORDER.

BUT I WANT DELIVERY IN THREE
DAYS OR YOU CAN FORGET IT.

I'M SORRY, THAT'S MY LAST WORD.

- SHE'S A TARTAR, ISN'T SHE?
- ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S NOBODY
ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE.

SHE'S STILL GOT HER
FINGER ON THE REST.

IF JOHN LEWIS CAN MAKE
YOU A BETTER OFFER,

I SUGGEST YOU GET ON WITH IT.

BUT DON'T COME
RUNNING BACK TO ME.

OH, HAVE YOU COME
ABOUT THE SUIT?

YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE. I
BROUGHT THE SWATCHES.

NOW, MAY I SUGGEST A NICE 16-OUNCE
WORSTED IN A CHARCOAL GREY?

IT'S VERY EXECUTIVE.

IT'LL GO VERY NICELY WITH THE
BOWLER HAT AND ROLLED UMBRELLA.

YOU'RE HERE TO TAKE THE MEASUREMENTS,
MR. LUCAS. THERE'S NO NEED FOR COMMENT.

OH YES, I LIKE THAT.

AND STRIPES ARE VERY
SLIMMING, AREN'T THEY?

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY. HAVE
YOU EVER SEEN A FAT ZEBRA?

SHALL WE JUST TRY THIS
ONE ON FOR THE STYLE?

THIS ONE'S DOUBLE-BOSOMED.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE EFFECT?

SHE LOOKS LIKE ROCKY MARCIANO.

WILL YOU BE HAVING
TROUSERS OR A SKIRT?

OR BLACK STOCKINGS
AND THIGH-LENGTH BOOTS?

WE'RE GOING TO
IGNORE YOU, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S PITY YOU'RE
GOING TO IGNORE ME...

I CAN TELL YOU A VERY GOOD REASON
WHY TROUSERS WOULD SUIT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

- WHY'S THAT?
- THEY'LL HIDE YOUR LEGS.

ONE MORE REMARK
FROM YOU AND YOU'RE OUT.

SHALL WE SETTLE FOR THIS
THEN, BUT IN THE LADIES STYLE?

YES, THAT'LL DO VERY NICELY.

- MEASUREMENTS, MR. LUCAS.
- MEASUREMENTS COMING UP,
MR. HUMPHRIES.

- BREATH OUT.
- I AM BREATHED OUT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING
THE 60-INCH TAPE?

BECAUSE OUR STOCK
ONLY GOES UP TO 42.

WE'LL HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

THERE, 42 AND A PENCIL.

WAIST?

42 AND A RUBBER.

HIPS?

OH MY GOD.

HERE WE ARE.

42 AND THE WEEK
ENDING OCTOBER THE 5th.

- ( knocking at door )
- ENTER.

I'VE BROUGHT YOUR SAMPLES.

OH YES. WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE TO CHOOSE MY
COSMETICS AND TOILETRIES

FOR THE EXECUTIVE POWDER-ROOM.

OH WELL, WE'LL BE OFF.

NOT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I'D VALUE YOUR OPINION.

TELL CAPTAIN PEACOCK
I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

CERTAINLY, I'LL TELL CAPTAIN PEACOCK
YOU'RE HELPING MRS. SLOCOMBE

CHOOSE HER NEW KIT FOR THE BOG.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

JUNIORS HAVE NO FINESSE.

OH YES, HE'S AS COMMON AS MUCK.

- RIGHT.
- Humphries: LOOK
AT ALL THOSE SOAPS.

CAN I SMELL THAT ONE?

OH YES, THAT'S A
VERY STRONG SCENT.

I SELL THAT TO MR. DAVIES,
HEAD OF GARDEN FURNITURE.

OH YES.

IS HE THE ONE THAT'S ALWAYS
MOVING HIS GNOMES ABOUT?

THAT'S THE ONE.

MY MOTHER WOULD DO WITH A GNOME.

THIS HAS A NICE MARBLE FINISH.

SO SUITABLE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

YES, WE MUST CONSIDER THE
ENVIRONMENT. WHAT'S THE DECOR?

SORT OF RED PLUSH AND "ARPIC."

WELL NOW, THEY
START AT THIS END AT 50p

AND THEY GO UP
AT THIS END TO £6.

I'LL HAVE THIS ONE.

ONE CARBOLIC, 50p.

NOW WE COME TO THE
HAND TOWELS AND FLANNELS.

THIS IS YOUR LUXURY
FIRST QUALITY TURKISH

MODESTY PRICED AT £8 EACH.

IT'S TOUGH AT THE TOP.

- I THINK THAT'S
RATHER OSTENTATIOUS.
- OH, I AGREE.

ALTERNATIVELY YOU
HAVE YOUR EGYPTIAN,

YOUR LANCASHIRE,

YOUR HONG KONG
OR PLAIN DISPOSABLE.

WE HAVE A LUXURY DISPOSABLE

MADE FROM SEAWEED
AND PLASTIC WASTE,

INDISTINGUISHABLE
FROM THE TURKISH.

FEELS LIKE SANDPAPER.

OH YES, I SHOULD WARN YOU,
DON'T CLEAN YOUR GLASSES ON THEM

OR YOU'LL GET FROSTED LENSES.

HOW MUCH?

- £1 A DOZEN.
- DONE.

SHALL YOU REQUIRE
A LADY'S RAZOR?

SHE COULD SHAVE
THE TOWELS WITH IT.

CERTAINLY NOT.

I'LL HAVE THESE PUT
ON YOUR ACCOUNT.

OH DEAR. SILLY OLD BITCH.

FANCY CAT.

NOW THEN,

WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING IN CHARGE?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

IT'S NOT AT ALL IT'S
CRACKED UP TO BE.

THERE'S NOTHING TO DO AND
THERE'S NOBODY TO TALK TO

- AND I MISS THE CUSTOMERS.
- COULDN'T YOU COME BACK?

OH NO, THAT WOULD
BE TO ADMIT FAILURE

AND THAT STUCK UP CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WOULD NEVER STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

BUT I DO MISS YOU ALL.

YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE
UP YOUR MIND QUICK.

TWO WEEKS AS MANAGEMENT AND
YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY OUT OF THE UNION.

THEN YOU CAN'T COME BACK.

LOOK, IF MISS BRAHMS'
FIGURES DROPPED,

THEN YOU COULD SUGGEST
TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK

THAT I'M INDISPENSABLE, THEN
I COULD RETURN WITH HONOR.

- I'LL DO ME BEST.
- ( knocking )

ENTER.

EXCUSE ME, MRS.
SLOCOMBE, I HAVE TO ASK YOU

TO AUTHORIZE ACCEPTANCE
OF A CUSTOMER'S CHECK.

£3,000! WHAT'S THAT FOR?

OH, HERE'S THE BILL. IT'S A FUR
COAT JUST SOLD BY MISS BRAHMS.

PROBABLY A FLASH IN THE PAN.

WOULD YOU SIGN THIS ONE
TOO? A CROCODILE HANDBAG,

- £340.
- YOUR WHAT?

AND THAT SET OF
AQUAMARINE COSTUME JEWELRY

THAT YOU SAY YOU'D NEVER
SHIFT IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS,

239.

MAKING £3,579 IN ALL.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
GOING TO BE EASY FOR ME

TO CONVINCE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
THAT YOU'RE INDISPENSABLE.

WELL, I CAN'T RESIGN.

- ( phone ringing )
- OH, SLOCOMBE.

RUMBOLD HERE.

IT'S MR. RUMBOLD. JUST
A MOMENT, MR. RUMBOLD.

HOW ARE YOU? ARE
YOU FIT TO COME BACK?

No, I shall be at least
another couple of weeks.

- OH DEAR.
- NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

THEY'VE ANALYZED
THE CANTEEN RISSOLE

AND IT WASN'T THAT
THAT POISONED ME.

WHAT WAS IT THEN?

Well, my wife made
some meringues,

And it seems the cream

acted as host to a
rather unusual bug.

I took three of them to
work, I ate one of them.

There are two... There
are two meringues

still in the top left-hand
drawer of my desk.

Don't touch them yourself.

Get Harman to put on
a pair of rubber gloves.

And then tell him immediately

to drop them into a plastic bag.

And after that, to throw
them into the furnace.

( groans )

OH, SUCH A PITY WHEN
YOU HAD YOUR FOOT

ON THE FIRST RUNG OF
THE MANAGEMENT LADDER.

DOES THIS MEAN THAT I'LL HAVE TO
COME BACK BEHIND THE COUNTER?

TO BE REALISTIC,
I'M AFRAID IT DOES.

IT'S BEEN NO FUN HERE
WITHOUT YOU TO NAG ME.

HURRY UP AND GET
WELL AND COME BACK.

YES, BUT NOT BEFORE MR. RUMBOLD.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WELL... WELL, PUT IT THIS WAY,

ME TUMMY'S IN TURMOIL,

BUT ME MIND'S AT PEACE.

LU... LU...

LU... LU... SHE'S
TRYING TO SAY LUCAS!

NO, I'M NOT. I WANT
TO GO TO THE LOO.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪