Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Hero - full transcript
After Mr.Franco of the sports department reveals an embarrassing secret about Captain Peacock, the staff urge their floorwalker to defend his honor by challenging Franco to a boxing match. When Peacock finds himself face to face with a heavyweight champion however, the staff realize what he is truly made of.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
ARE YOU BEING SERVED
OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING?
- I'M LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE TO SERVE ME.
- IN THAT CASE, I'M FREE.
WHAT'LL IT BE? JACKET,
TROUSERS, OR A NEW WOOLY PULLY?
I BOUGHT THESE SOCKS LAST WEEK,
THEY'VE ONLY BEEN WASHED ONCE, AND LOOK.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE NON-SHRINK.
AH, YES.
I SEE WHAT THE TROUBLE
IS, SIR. THEY'RE PURE WOOL.
VERY OFTEN PURE WOOL SOCKS ARE
MADE FROM TWO DIFFERENT HERDS.
YOU MIGHT GET ONE HERD
COME FROM THE SHETLANDS
THE OTHER DOWN IN CORNWALL.
NOW THE SHETLAND
LOT WON'T SHRINK
BECAUSE THEY'RE
STANDING IN THE RAIN ALL DAY.
SO THIS MUST BE THE CORNISH
SOCK AND THAT'S THE SHETLAND.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
I SHALL GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE CORNISH FARMER
AND GET HIS SHEEP
SENT UP TO SHETLAND.
- I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
- YES.
- MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I AM FREE.
THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS HIS MONEY
BACK ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT
THAT HIS SOCKS HAVE
SHRUNK IN THE WASH.
DID YOU WASH THEM YOURSELF
OR DID YOUR WIFE WASH THEM?
- I LIVE ALONE.
- OH, I SEE.
- WHAT DID YOU WASH THEM IN?
- IN THE BATH.
I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU
USE TO WASH THEM WITH?
- WATER.
- WATER, YES.
YOU CAN GO TO COFFEE
IF YOU LIKE, MR. LUCAS
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.
IT'S OKAY. THIS CASE
HAS MY FULL ATTENTION.
- WAS IT HOT WATER, SIR?
- WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS.
AH, YOU SEE, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
LUKE. IT SAYS SO ON THE INSTRUCTIONS.
- "LUKE."
- I CAN'T READ THAT. IT'S TOO SMALL.
- OF COURSE IT IS. IT SHRUNK.
- I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
YES, OUR SENIOR ASSISTANT MR. GOLDBERG
WILL HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION.
MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT,
MR. HUMPHRIES, YES.
THIS CUSTOMER OF
MR. LUCAS' FAILED TO FOLLOW
THE WASHING INSTRUCTIONS
ON THE SOCK AND IT SHRUNK.
AND HE WOULD LIKE HIS MONEY
BACK. WHAT IS YOUR DECISION?
MR. GOLDBERG ALWAYS
MAKES THESE DECISIONS.
WE MUST GIVE THE CUSTOMER
HIS MONEY BACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- CERTAINLY, MR. GOLDBERG.
- ON ONE SOCK.
IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED
WITH THE GOODS,
BRING THEM BACK WITH THE RECEIPT
AND ASK FOR YOUR MONEY BACK.
YOU WON'T GET IT, BUT
YOU CAN ASK FOR IT.
NOW, WHAT'S THIS BIG
NEWS YOU HAD TO TELL ME?
TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY.
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT TODAY?
TODAY'S THE DAY MY
PUSSY COMES OF AGE.
OH, YOU MEAN IT'S 21 YEARS
SINCE YOU FIRST HAD IT?
NO...
IT'S THREE YEARS
SINCE I FIRST HAD HER.
YOU SEE, IT CAT LIFE
ONE YEAR COUNTS AS SEVEN.
SO THAT MEANS SHE'S 21 TODAY!
OH, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE
HER THE KEY OF THE DOOR?
NO. ANYWAY, SHE DOESN'T NEED IT.
SHE'S GOT A LITTLE FLAP.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE
WHAT I'VE GOT FOR HER?
OH YEAH.
WELL, A LEG OF
SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN.
AND A MINK COLLAR
WITH A LITTLE BELL.
- IS THAT REAL MINK?
- OH, OF COURSE.
I WOULDN'T GIVE HER IMITATION.
THAT'S MADE OF CAT.
AND A RECORD OF LENA ZAVARONI.
OH, IS THAT HER FAVORITE?
NO, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY
I CAN GET HER TO GO
OUT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
AND SOMETHING SHE'S BEEN
LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR AGES...
- A CLOCKWORK MOUSE.
- OOOH. LET'S SEE IT GO.
- WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- OH, HE'S NOT HERE YET.
WELL...
( laughs ) IT IS SWEET.
OOOH! OH, DASH!
- OH, WHERE'S IT GONE?
- I CAN'T SEE IT.
LISTEN, AND WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO HEAR THE CLOCKWORK.
OH, IT'S LIKE PETER
PAN AND THE CROCODILE.
SHHH!
( elevator dings )
SO ANYWAY, I STUFFED
A PINEAPPLE IN THE HOLE
AND I SAID GIVE ME A RING TOMORROW
AND LET ME KNOW IF IT'S STOPPED.
WELL... ( screams )
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU
DOING, MR. HUMPHRIES?
THERE'S A MOUSE
ROUND MY DRAWERS.
HERE IT IS. HEY, IT'S CLOCKWORK.
IS THIS ANOTHER OF
YOUR JOKES, MR. LUCAS?
NOT GUILTY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I AM IN NO MOOD
FOR PRACTICAL JOKES.
NOW, WHAT IDIOT RELEASED
THIS MOUSE ON THE FLOOR?
I SHALL COUNT TO 10,
AND IF NO ONE OWNS UP,
WE SHALL REMAIN BEHIND
AFTER THE STORE CLOSES
UNTIL THIS MATTER IS RESOLVED.
ONE, TWO, THREE...
- OWN UP OR I'LL TELL ON YOU.
- YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
YES I WOULD. I'VE
GOT A DATE TONIGHT.
- SNEAK.
- GET YOUR HAND UP.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, AM I TO UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU ARE THE MISCREANT?
THE WHAT?
THE PERSON WHO
RELEASED THIS OBJECT?
- WELL, YES...
- I DON'T WANT ANY EXCUSES.
I SHALL CONFISCATE THIS.
IF YOU WISH TO RETRIEVE IT,
YOU WILL FIND IT IN
MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.
THERE'S BEEN FAR TOO MUCH
LAXITY ON THE FLOOR OF LATE.
YOU'RE ALL GETTING VERY SLOPPY.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I'VE BEEN OVER 40 YEARS
IN VARIOUS RETAIL OUTLETS,
AND I'VE NEVER
BEEN CALLED SLOPPY.
- AN EGG STAIN ON THE TIE...
- WHAT?
THREE WAISTCOAT BUTTONS UNDONE,
A FRAYED CUFF... I
CALL THAT SLOPPY!
OH, MR. GOLDBERG,
I'VE NEVER HEARD
A SENIOR ASSISTANT SPOKEN
TO LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.
HAVE I GOT EGG STAIN ON MY TIE?
WELL, NOT A BIG ONE.
I HAVE TO HAVE
THESE THREE BUTTONS
UNDONE ON MY WAISTCOAT,
OTHERWISE I CAN'T BREATHE.
- WHAT ABOUT THE FRAYED CUFF?
- MRS. GOLDBERG WAS
GOING TO TURN IT.
OH, DEAR, SHE HAS.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN
HIM GO ON LIKE THAT.
I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.
PERHAPS HE'S HAD ANOTHER
ROW WITH MRS. PEACOCK.
LIKE LAST TIME WHEN SHE
THREW THE CUSTARD ALL OVER HIM
AND MADE HIM SLEEP IN THE
SPARE ROOM FOR A WEEK.
IF I WAS MARRIED
TO MRS. PEACOCK,
I'D SLEEP IN THE SPARE
ROOM ALL THE TIME.
HE'S DEFINITELY NOT WELL.
HIS NOSTRILS ARE ALL DRAWN.
IS THAT BAD?
OUR MILKMAN'S HORSE
HAD DRAWN NOSTRILS.
DO YOU KNOW, ONE MORNING,
IT DROPPED DEAD IN THE SHAFTS.
YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,
IF HE DELIVERED MY MILK,
I'D ORDER AN EXTRA THREE PINTS.
I CAN REASSURE YOU IT'S
NOT AS SERIOUS AS THAT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I JUST DO.
I WAS TOLD IN THE STRICTEST
CONFIDENCE YESTERDAY.
YOU CAN TELL US IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE TODAY.
LOOK, IT'S A VERY
DELICATE MATTER.
MR. GOLDBERG,
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME
WILL TELL YOU THAT
I AM NOT A GOSSIP.
IT'LL GO NO FURTHER.
BUT I DID GIVE MY WORD.
- HE MADE YOU LOOK VERY SMALL
OVER THOSE FRAYED CUFFS.
- TRUE.
IT WAS VERY UNNECESSARY
TO MENTION THAT EGG STAIN.
I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.
WELL, APPARENTLY,
HE WENT DOWN TO SEE MR. FRANCO
IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT
HE WANTED SOME JOGGING SHORTS.
YOU KNOW HOW VAIN HE IS.
WELL, HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED
UNTIL HE TRIED THREE
LOTS OF SHORTS,
BUT THEN DURING THE PROCESS,
MR. FRANCO NOTICED
HE HAD A BOIL.
A VERY LARGE BOIL.
WHERE?
( laughing )
( laughing )
WHERE IS IT? TELL ME.
TELL ME!
( laughs )
POOR MAN.
DON'T KEEP IT TO
YOURSELVES, TELL ME!
I DIDN'T NOTICE A
BOIL ON HIS THUMB.
NOT ON HIS THUMB.
( laughing )
WELL, I THINK CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S GONE MAD.
JUST BECAUSE I
USED A FELT-TIP PEN
ON MY BILL PAD INSTEAD OF A BIRO
HE WENT ALL UP...
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT
WHEN THEY GO ALL RED
AND SWELL UP AND
THEIR EYES POP OUT?
- "APOPLOPTIC"?
- YES!
ALL I DID WAS USE
THE WRONG FINGER
TO RING UP THE TILL
AND I GOT A NO-SALE.
WHICH FINGER DID YOU USE?
IT'S IMMATERIAL, MR. LUCAS!
WHEN HE SAW THAT LITTLE RED FLAG
HE CAME CHARGING OVER TO ME.
HE WENT MAD FOR
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
I THOUGHT THE VEINS IN HIS
NECK WERE GOING TO BURST.
THEY WERE STANDING OUT
LIKE SPAGHETTI JUNCTION.
MIND YOU, HAVING A BOIL
WHERE HE'S GOT ONE...
IT MUST BE PAINFUL.
I'M SURE WE ALL FEEL FOR HIM.
YOU SPEAK FOR
YOURSELF. THIS IS JUSTICE.
HE'S BEEN ROTTEN TO ME
EVER SINCE I CAME HERE
AND I'VE HAD TO
TAKE IT SITTING DOWN.
NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR REVENGE BECAUSE
HE CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING SITTING DOWN.
( all laughing )
PLEASE, PLEASE. SHH! SHH!
KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN.
SHH. WE DON'T WANT
THIS THING TO SPREAD.
WHY? IS IT CATCHING?
( laughing )
LOOK, WILL YOU LISTEN...
I TOLD YOU IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
NOW PLEASE, PEOPLE CAN BE
REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT BOILS,
SO I MUST ASK YOU
EVEN FOR MY OWN SAKE
DON'T MENTION ANYTHING
ABOUT IT WHILE HE'S HERE.
I WON'T SAY A WORD.
I WOULDN'T BE THAT CHEEKY.
( laughing )
SHH!
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- A CUP OF TEA.
- NO, I MEANT THAT
THING ON YOUR ARM.
- OH THIS. YES, YES.
IT'S A RUBBER RING.
THE MEDICAL DEPARTMENT
HAVE HAD A LOT OF COMPLAINTS
ABOUT THE POOR QUALITY OF RUBBER
AND I VOLUNTEERED TO
TEST IT FOR A FEW DAYS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO TEST IT, YOU WANT
TO TREAT IT A BIT ROUGHER THAN THAT.
YOU WANT TO BOUNCE
UP AND DOWN A BIT ON IT.
THAT WILL COME LATER.
I MUST SAY THAT ANY RESEMBLANCE
BETWEEN THAT AND TEA
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
THAT'S BECAUSE THEY NEVER
BRING THE WATER TO THE BOIL.
THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT
OF HILARITY THIS MORNING.
I SUPPOSE AS USUAL, I SHALL BE THE
LAST ONE TO KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT.
JUST BECAUSE I'M
READING THE PAPER
IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
EVERYBODY HAS TO STOP TALKING.
( all talking at once )
WE'RE HAVING A
GOOD AMIABLE CHAT.
THERE'S A VERY GOOD
ARTICLE IN THAT PAPER.
ABOUT THE... THE...
GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY.
OH, YES, I WAS READING
ABOUT IT IN THE BUS.
STANDING UP?
YES, IT WAS FULL AS USUAL.
IT'S MY THEORY THAT
MOST OF THE MONEY
FINISHED UP IN SOUTH AMERICA.
YES. I DOUBT IF THEY'LL EVER
GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.
I EXPECT THEY WILL IN THE END.
YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
NO USE TRYING TO HIDE YOUR
SNIGGERING, MISS BRAHMS.
- YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
- KNOW WHAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
ABOUT MY... MY MISFORTUNE.
- HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?
- SOMEBODY TOLD ME.
- WHO?
- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I SEE. AND WHO TOLD
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I'M NOT ONE TO TELL TALES,
HOWEVER, SINCE WE'RE
ALL SNEAKING TODAY,
MR. LUCAS.
I KNEW MR. LUCAS WOULD BE IN THIS
THING SOMEWHERE. WHO TOLD YOU?
WILD HORSES WOULDN'T DRAG
THAT INFORMATION FROM MY LIPS,
BUT I WILL POINT.
I'M SURPRISED AT
YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
I'M SURPRISED AT ALL OF YOU.
HITHERTO, I HAD REGARDED
YOU AS MY FRIENDS.
I... I'M SURE I SPEAK
FOR EVERYBODY HERE
BUT I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE
CAUSED YOU SUCH DISTRESS.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW NOW,
MR. GOLDBERG, IS WHO TOLD YOU?
WELL, I WAS TOLD IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
IT WILL GO NO FURTHER.
YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH
US ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
HELLO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THEY'RE ALL ASKING AFTER
YOU IN THE PACKING DEPARTMENT.
HOW'S THE BOIL ON YOUR BUM?
Rumbold: SORRY I WAS DELAYED.
NOW THEN, WHAT'S ALL
THIS ABOUT, PEACOCK?
WELL, SIR, THIS IS A
MATTER OF SOME DELICACY.
I'M SUFFERING FROM A MINOR,
BUT PAINFUL INDISPOSITION.
DO YOU MEAN THE BOIL I
HEARD ABOUT IN THE LIFT?
YES, SIR. I HAVE A COMPLAINT.
YES, A VERY NASTY
ONE TOO, I SHOULD THINK.
NO, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN
I'VE BEEN MADE A LAUGHINGSTOCK
THROUGHOUT THE STORE
OWING TO A GRAVE
BREACH OF CONFIDENCE
BY A MEMBER OF
ANOTHER DEPARTMENT...
TO WIT... MR. FRANCO OF SPORTS.
YES, WELL COME TO
THE POINT, PEACOCK.
IT ALL OCCURRED
IN THE FITTING ROOM.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE
FIRST RULE OF SALES ETIQUETTE
IS THAT WHAT ONE SEES IN THE FITTING
ROOM IS IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.
WHILE I WAS TRYING ON A
PAIR OF JOGGING SHORTS,
MR. FRANCO BECAME
ACQUAINTED WITH MY AFFLICTION
AND BANDIED IT ABOUT THE STORE.
OBVIOUSLY, I THOUGHT YOU'D
RELEASED THE NEWS YOURSELF.
IT WOULDN'T BE SO
BAD IF IT WAS JUST US,
BUT WHEN IT GETS DOWN TO THE
PACKING DEPARTMENT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.
I FEEL MOST STRONGLY
THAT MR. FRANCO SHOULD
BE REPRIMANDED
THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS
AND SHOULD MAKE
A PROPER APOLOGY.
I THINK HE SHOULD WRITE IT OUT
AND PUT IT UP ON THE
STAFF NOTICE BOARD.
I DON'T THINK I'LL ASK HIM TO
GO THAT FAR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NO, THERE MIGHT BE ONE OR TWO
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD YET.
MY FIRST INSTINCT
WAS TO GO AND PUNCH
HIM ON THE NOSE.
BUT BECAUSE THIS WHOLE AFFAIR
BRINGS GRACE BROTHERS INTO DISREPUTE,
I FEEL IT PROPER TO GO
THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS.
I QUITE AGREE. I SHALL
PHONE MR. FRANCO AT ONCE.
I WOULDN'T HAVE
DREAMT OF PASSING IT ON
HAD I KNOWN THAT THE INFORMATION
WAS OBTAINED IN
THE FITTING ROOM.
YEAH, WE NEVER SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT BIG BLONDE
THAT CAME IN WITH THE
LIMERICK TATTOOED ON HER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
THERE ONCE WAS A
COUPLE OF ROCKERS.
WENT OUT WITH A BIRD WITH BIG...
THAT WILL DO, MISS BRAHMS.
AH, MR. FRANCO, RUMBOLD
HERE, THIRD FLOOR.
I HAVE CAPTAIN
PEACOCK HERE WITH ME.
OH, YOU HEARD.
HE FEELS THAT YOU
OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.
( laughing )
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD TAKE THAT LINE.
HE FEELS VERY STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
HIS FIRST INSTINCT
WAS TO COME DOWN
AND PUNCH YOU ON THE
NOSE... HE IS QUITE CAPABLE OF IT.
IN PASSING, YOU MIGHT MENTION
THAT I WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT
RUNNER-UP FOR THE
R.A.S.C. AT MERSA MATRUH.
HE WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF MERSA MATRUH.
I ASSURE YOU HE IS NOT BLUFFING.
HE COMES FROM A BACKGROUND
WHERE A GENTLEMAN TAKES A
PERSON LIKE YOU DOWN TO THE GYM,
PUTS ON THE GLOVES AND
GIVES YOU A DAMN GOOD HIDING.
I SEE. HE ACCEPTS THE CHALLENGE.
WELL, FIVE ROUNDS,
THAT'S OKAY WITH US.
HE'LL GO 10 IF YOU LIKE.
RIGHT, VERY WELL THEN,
SATURDAY AFTERNOON, 3:00.
YOU...
( screams )
OOH, HE'S FLEXING HIS MUSCLES.
OOH, ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?
I'M GOING TO ASK
HIM TO SIGN THIS BILL.
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK...
- ( grunts )
ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WOULD YOU SIGN THIS BILL FOR ME?
BUT IT'S BLANK, YOU
HAVEN'T SOLD ANYTHING.
I KNOW. I JUST WANTED
YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
WE'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT WE
IN THE LADIES DEPARTMENT
ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU.
WE THINK WHAT YOU'RE
DOING IS MARVELOUS.
ME AND MISS BRAHMS ARE SEEING
YOU FROM QUITE A DIFFERENT ANGLE.
AND WHAT WE SAY IS, "IF A MAN
CAN'T STICK UP FOR HIS HONOR,
WHAT CAN HE STICK UP FOR?"
THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
LOOK AT HIM. HE'S BASKING IN IT.
WELL, IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION
I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT
I'D DO THE SAME THING.
I WOULDN'T, BUT I'D
LIKE TO THINK I WOULD.
DO YOU KNOW I USED TO GET INTO
A LOT OF SCRAPS WHEN I WAS A LAD.
I WAS KNOWN AS
GRUESOME GOLDBERG,
THE GOLDERS GREEN GORILLA.
( elevator dings )
OY, OY, YOU'RE DOING
ALL RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
THEY DO SEEM TO ADMIRE A MAN
WHO STICKS TO HIS PRINCIPLES.
OH, THEY ADMIRE YOU... AND
THEY'RE VERY SORRY FOR YOU...
LIKE THEY ADMIRED
THE LIGHT BRIGADE.
ONLY A HANDFUL GOT THROUGH,
BUT THEY ADMIRED THEM.
MR. HARMAN, WHAT
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
WORD HAS IT THAT MR. FRANCO
IS VERY HANDY WITH HIS DUKES.
AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE
NAVY, HE BOXED FOR HIS SHIP.
- TORPEDO BOAT?
- AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
MR. HARMAN, DON'T
COME ON THE FLOOR
IN YOUR OVERALLS
DURING WORKING HOURS.
IN THAT CASE I WON'T TELL
YOU ABOUT HIS SECRET WEAPON.
WHAT SECRET WEAPON?
HE'S GOT A KILLER PUNCH...
IN BOTH HANDS.
MAY I USE YOUR
PHONE, MR. GOLDBERG?
I'D BE MOST HONORED, CHAMP.
I'LL GET THE NUMBER FOR
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M MAD ABOUT HIS AFTERSHAVE.
HE PROBABLY
SPLASHES IT ALL OVER.
- WHO DO YOU WANT?
- MR. GRACE.
A RATHER WORRYING
THOUGHT HAS STRUCK ME.
I HADN'T OBTAINED
MR. GRACE'S PERMISSION
AND HE MAY, OF COURSE, NOT
ALLOW THE FIGHT TO PROCEED.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE PLACE
ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
- HE WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
- AND WE WON'T SAY ANYTHING.
NO, BUT AS A
MATTER OF PRINCIPLE,
I FEEL I OUGHT TO
TELL HIM. THANK YOU.
I CAN ONLY SEE A BIT
OF THE PINK FROM HERE.
I CAN SEE QUITE A LOT FROM HERE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO MAKE ME RUSH IT.
NO, NO, TAKE ALL THE
TIME IN THE WORLD.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE, BUT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.
- HELLO, PEACOCK.
- Hello, sir.
WHAT'S ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU
HAVING A PUNCH-UP ON SATURDAY?
OH, YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT, SIR?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT ONLY
RIGHT TO CONSULT YOU.
BECAUSE I FELT THAT
YOU MAY WISH TO BAN IT.
BAN IT? I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
I'VE GOT A FIVER ON.
OH, I... I HOPE I DON'T
LET YOU DOWN, SIR.
NOT ON YOU, ON THE OTHER FELLOW.
HE DID VERY WELL IN
THE INTER-STORE FINALS.
KNOCKED OUT THE
HEAVYWEIGHT FROM MOTHERCARE.
( whimpers )
PEACOCK? HELLO, PEACOCK?
Peacock?
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS, LET'S
GET A GOOD RINGSIDE SEAT.
WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'LL BE COMING.
( gargles )
THAT WORKS.
WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK? IS
HE STILL IN THE FITTING ROOM?
HE HASN'T ARRIVED AT
THE FITTING ROOM YET.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
OH, MY HERO! I KNEW YOU
WOULDN'T LET US DOWN!
THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OF COURSE I WOULDN'T
LET YOU DOWN... NORMALLY.
- WHAT?
- WELL, AS A PRECAUTION,
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR
FOR A FINAL CHECK-UP
BUT BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING
HE'D INJECTED ME WITH ANTIBIOTICS.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?
TO MY DISMAY, THE
DOCTOR POINTED OUT
THAT AFTER TAKING ANTIBIOTICS
ONE MUSTN'T DRINK... OR BOX.
MY DOCTOR'S NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
PERHAPS IN YOUR CASE HE
THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T APPLY.
DOES THIS MEAN YOU
CAN'T FIGHT, PEACOCK?
IN A WORD, I'M AFRAID SO.
BUT THE HONOR OF THE
WHOLE DEPARTMENT'S AT STAKE.
I ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU
GO AND FIGHT HIM.
WELL, I CAN'T FIGHT,
BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES.
- TAKE THEM OFF.
- IF I DO THAT,
I CAN'T SEE.
WELL, I HOPE SOMEBODY'S
GOING TO FIGHT HIM.
I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP
MY AFTERNOON'S BINGO
TO SEE A LOT OF LILY-LIVERED
FAIRIES MAKING EXCUSES.
I WOULD WILLINGLY
STEP INTO THE BREACH,
IF YOU THINK A MAN WITH
ONE LUNG AND A TRUSS
WOULD BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE.
NO, NO, NO.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE
YOUNGER THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT NOT IN
SUCH GOOD CONDITION.
YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING BIG. NOW'S
YOUR CHANCE TO SHOW HOW BIG YOU ARE.
I WOULD... WERE IT
NOT FOR THE FACT
THAT MY POOR OLD MOTHER FOR
WHOM THE SLIGHTEST EXCITEMENT
COULD PROVE FATAL, MADE
ME JOIN THIS RELIGIOUS SECT.
YES, IT'S CALLED
COWARDS ANONYMOUS.
VERY NEARLY RIGHT.
THE OTHER NIGHT, I WENT TO
THE MEETING AND I ROLLED UP
MY LEFT TROUSER LEG AND HOLDING A
DEAD CHICKEN IN MY OUTSTRETCHED HAND
I SWORE BEFORE THE HIGH
LAMA I WOULD DO NO VIOLENCE
TO ANY LIVING THING
ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.
UNFORTUNATELY I ATE A LETTUCE
LEAF WITH A CATERPILLAR ON IT
- AND I'M STILL DOING PENANCE.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
OH, I'VE NEVER BOXED IN MY LIFE.
NOW WRESTLING,
THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.
I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE WRESTLING SORT.
I WAS KNOWN AS HUGGER HUMPHRIES.
THEY HAD TO PULL ME OFF PEOPLE.
I WAS THE CATCH-
AS-CATCH-CAN CHAMPION
OF THE BARLYMOOR
ROAD MIXED INFANTS.
WELL, IT'S ALL DOWN TO MISS
BRAHMS OR MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MY MONEY'S ON
THE HEAVYWEIGHT.
WEAK AS WATER!
IF I WAS A MAN, I'D BE IN THERE!
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SHAVED YOUR
MOUSTACHE OFF THEN, SHOULD YOU?
WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO POSTPONE THE
MATCH UNTIL CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS BETTER.
I MAY BE ON
ANTIBIOTICS FOR LIFE.
Rumbold: AH.
WELL, NICE TO SEE
YOU, MR. FRANCO,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE
HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
HEAR OUR BAD NEWS FIRST.
DUE TO THE SIZE OF
MR. FRANCO'S HANDS
THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT CAN'T
GET A PAIR OF GLOVES TO FIT HIM.
AH, CHICKENING OUT, EH?
I'M NOT CHICKENING OUT.
I CAN BEAT YOU
WITH MY OWN HANDS.
- DO YOU MEAN WRESTLING?
- ANYTHING YOU LIKE.
HOW ABOUT CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN?
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
Peacock: UNFORTUNATELY,
I'M ONLY A BOXING MAN.
- Franco: CHICKENING OUT, EH?
- CERTAINLY NOT!
- MR. HUMPHRIES!
- I'M NOT FREE.
OH, YES YOU ARE. GET HIM.
YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE, THIS
IS THE LADIES FITTING ROOM.
OH, NO! PUT ME DOWN!
NO, PLEASE, NO, PUT ME DOWN!
- TAKE YOUR TROUSERS OFF.
- OH.
I NEVER THOUGHT THOSE WORDS
COULD CAUSE SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS.
TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO
HARM ANYTHING ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.
THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT FAIRY CAKES.
NO!
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THIS SINCE "EMMANUELLE II"
MRS. SLOCOMBE: TAKE THEM
OFF! TAKE HIS THINGS OFF!
OWW! YOU VERY NEARLY DID.
- AND...
- ( screams )
Harman: MY LORDS, AND
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ON THE RIGHT, MR. FRANCO
FROM SPORTS EQUIPMENT...
- ( cheers )
- ( boos )
ON MY LEFT, MR. WILBERFORCE CLAYBORNE
HUMPHRIES OF GENTS READY-MADES.
( cheers )
THIS IS A THREE-ROUND CONTEST.
TWO FALLS OR A SUBMISSION
TO DECIDE THE WINNER...
OR THE FIRST OF THE TWO
GENTLEMEN TO RUN AWAY.
NOW, I WANT NO UNNECESSARY GOUGING
OR KICKING WITH THE POINT OF THE TOE.
- OH NO...
- NOT SO FAST.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY SO KEEN.
ALL RIGHT, ANY QUESTIONS?
YES. DID YOU GET THAT
RIBBON FROM HABERDASHERY?
WATCH IT, TWINKLE TOES.
RIGHT. GO TO YOUR CORNERS
AND COME OUT FIGHTING
WHEN I RING THE BELL.
NOW REMEMBER, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU ARE STANDING UP
FOR THE HONOR OF
THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.
YES, WELL, YOU
TELL MY LEGS THAT.
- ( bell rings )
- ROUND ONE!
ARE YOU LISTENING?
I HAVEN'T GOT MUCH
CHOICE, HAVE I?
( cries ) NO!
HAVE YOU GOT ANY
GRUDGE AGAINST ME?
OF COURSE NOT. I'M SURE
UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES
WE COULD GET ON QUITE WELL. OWW!
IN THAT CASE, ALL WE'VE GOT
TO DO IS MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.
I'M ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS.
( cheering )
HERE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A FLYING CROSS BUTTOCK?
NOT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, NO.
FIRST THING WE'VE GOT TO DO
IS WHIRL YOU AROUND MY SHOULDERS
AND SLAM YOU ONTO THE FLOOR.
THEY CALL IT A PROPELLER.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
YOU'RE GOING TO DO
AN AGONIZING YELL.
I THINK I CAN
MANAGE THAT. ( yelps )
HE'S GIVING HIM A
FLYING PROPELLER!
- ( Humphries yelling )
- Franco: NOT YET.
Humphries: I'LL BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT.
( groans)
( groaning )
THAT WAS A GOOD YELL.
I THINK YOU'VE DONE
THIS GAME BEFORE.
BUT NOT WITH SO
MANY PEOPLE WATCHING.
NOW... NOW I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU
A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.
IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY.
ISN'T IT TIME I GOT
YOU INTO SOMETHING?
NO, NO, THEY'VE GOT
TO HATE ME FIRST.
AND THEN WHEN YOU
GET YOUR REVENGE
THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE
YOU. SO HERE WE GO.
DON'T FORGET TO YELL.
( yelling )
HE'S ROUGH. HE'S GIVING
HIM A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.
THERE YOU ARE,
THEY'RE HATING ME NOW.
I'M NOT SO KEEN ON YOU MYSELF.
( booing )
- I JUST REMEMBERED.
- WHAT?
A BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.
OH, THAT'LL BE NICE. OW! OW!
OW! OW!
WHAT'S HE DOING?
HE'S KILLING HIM!
HE'S GIVING HIM A
BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.
THAT'S IT! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH!
- ARE YOU GOING HOME?
- NO, I'M GOING IN.
YOU BIG BULLY!
WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON
SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE?
THE WINNER ON A
KNOCKOUT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW
WHEN A WOMAN HAS A BEE IN
HER BONNET, WE'D BETTER BEHAVE.
OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER
WAY, MR. HARMAN,
WHEN A MAN HAS A BOIL ON
HIS BUM, HE BETTER BELT UP.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
ARE YOU BEING SERVED
OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING?
- I'M LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE TO SERVE ME.
- IN THAT CASE, I'M FREE.
WHAT'LL IT BE? JACKET,
TROUSERS, OR A NEW WOOLY PULLY?
I BOUGHT THESE SOCKS LAST WEEK,
THEY'VE ONLY BEEN WASHED ONCE, AND LOOK.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE NON-SHRINK.
AH, YES.
I SEE WHAT THE TROUBLE
IS, SIR. THEY'RE PURE WOOL.
VERY OFTEN PURE WOOL SOCKS ARE
MADE FROM TWO DIFFERENT HERDS.
YOU MIGHT GET ONE HERD
COME FROM THE SHETLANDS
THE OTHER DOWN IN CORNWALL.
NOW THE SHETLAND
LOT WON'T SHRINK
BECAUSE THEY'RE
STANDING IN THE RAIN ALL DAY.
SO THIS MUST BE THE CORNISH
SOCK AND THAT'S THE SHETLAND.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
I SHALL GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE CORNISH FARMER
AND GET HIS SHEEP
SENT UP TO SHETLAND.
- I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
- YES.
- MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I AM FREE.
THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS HIS MONEY
BACK ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT
THAT HIS SOCKS HAVE
SHRUNK IN THE WASH.
DID YOU WASH THEM YOURSELF
OR DID YOUR WIFE WASH THEM?
- I LIVE ALONE.
- OH, I SEE.
- WHAT DID YOU WASH THEM IN?
- IN THE BATH.
I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU
USE TO WASH THEM WITH?
- WATER.
- WATER, YES.
YOU CAN GO TO COFFEE
IF YOU LIKE, MR. LUCAS
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.
IT'S OKAY. THIS CASE
HAS MY FULL ATTENTION.
- WAS IT HOT WATER, SIR?
- WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS.
AH, YOU SEE, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
LUKE. IT SAYS SO ON THE INSTRUCTIONS.
- "LUKE."
- I CAN'T READ THAT. IT'S TOO SMALL.
- OF COURSE IT IS. IT SHRUNK.
- I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
YES, OUR SENIOR ASSISTANT MR. GOLDBERG
WILL HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION.
MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT,
MR. HUMPHRIES, YES.
THIS CUSTOMER OF
MR. LUCAS' FAILED TO FOLLOW
THE WASHING INSTRUCTIONS
ON THE SOCK AND IT SHRUNK.
AND HE WOULD LIKE HIS MONEY
BACK. WHAT IS YOUR DECISION?
MR. GOLDBERG ALWAYS
MAKES THESE DECISIONS.
WE MUST GIVE THE CUSTOMER
HIS MONEY BACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- CERTAINLY, MR. GOLDBERG.
- ON ONE SOCK.
IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED
WITH THE GOODS,
BRING THEM BACK WITH THE RECEIPT
AND ASK FOR YOUR MONEY BACK.
YOU WON'T GET IT, BUT
YOU CAN ASK FOR IT.
NOW, WHAT'S THIS BIG
NEWS YOU HAD TO TELL ME?
TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY.
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT TODAY?
TODAY'S THE DAY MY
PUSSY COMES OF AGE.
OH, YOU MEAN IT'S 21 YEARS
SINCE YOU FIRST HAD IT?
NO...
IT'S THREE YEARS
SINCE I FIRST HAD HER.
YOU SEE, IT CAT LIFE
ONE YEAR COUNTS AS SEVEN.
SO THAT MEANS SHE'S 21 TODAY!
OH, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE
HER THE KEY OF THE DOOR?
NO. ANYWAY, SHE DOESN'T NEED IT.
SHE'S GOT A LITTLE FLAP.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE
WHAT I'VE GOT FOR HER?
OH YEAH.
WELL, A LEG OF
SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN.
AND A MINK COLLAR
WITH A LITTLE BELL.
- IS THAT REAL MINK?
- OH, OF COURSE.
I WOULDN'T GIVE HER IMITATION.
THAT'S MADE OF CAT.
AND A RECORD OF LENA ZAVARONI.
OH, IS THAT HER FAVORITE?
NO, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY
I CAN GET HER TO GO
OUT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
AND SOMETHING SHE'S BEEN
LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR AGES...
- A CLOCKWORK MOUSE.
- OOOH. LET'S SEE IT GO.
- WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- OH, HE'S NOT HERE YET.
WELL...
( laughs ) IT IS SWEET.
OOOH! OH, DASH!
- OH, WHERE'S IT GONE?
- I CAN'T SEE IT.
LISTEN, AND WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO HEAR THE CLOCKWORK.
OH, IT'S LIKE PETER
PAN AND THE CROCODILE.
SHHH!
( elevator dings )
SO ANYWAY, I STUFFED
A PINEAPPLE IN THE HOLE
AND I SAID GIVE ME A RING TOMORROW
AND LET ME KNOW IF IT'S STOPPED.
WELL... ( screams )
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU
DOING, MR. HUMPHRIES?
THERE'S A MOUSE
ROUND MY DRAWERS.
HERE IT IS. HEY, IT'S CLOCKWORK.
IS THIS ANOTHER OF
YOUR JOKES, MR. LUCAS?
NOT GUILTY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I AM IN NO MOOD
FOR PRACTICAL JOKES.
NOW, WHAT IDIOT RELEASED
THIS MOUSE ON THE FLOOR?
I SHALL COUNT TO 10,
AND IF NO ONE OWNS UP,
WE SHALL REMAIN BEHIND
AFTER THE STORE CLOSES
UNTIL THIS MATTER IS RESOLVED.
ONE, TWO, THREE...
- OWN UP OR I'LL TELL ON YOU.
- YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
YES I WOULD. I'VE
GOT A DATE TONIGHT.
- SNEAK.
- GET YOUR HAND UP.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, AM I TO UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU ARE THE MISCREANT?
THE WHAT?
THE PERSON WHO
RELEASED THIS OBJECT?
- WELL, YES...
- I DON'T WANT ANY EXCUSES.
I SHALL CONFISCATE THIS.
IF YOU WISH TO RETRIEVE IT,
YOU WILL FIND IT IN
MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.
THERE'S BEEN FAR TOO MUCH
LAXITY ON THE FLOOR OF LATE.
YOU'RE ALL GETTING VERY SLOPPY.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I'VE BEEN OVER 40 YEARS
IN VARIOUS RETAIL OUTLETS,
AND I'VE NEVER
BEEN CALLED SLOPPY.
- AN EGG STAIN ON THE TIE...
- WHAT?
THREE WAISTCOAT BUTTONS UNDONE,
A FRAYED CUFF... I
CALL THAT SLOPPY!
OH, MR. GOLDBERG,
I'VE NEVER HEARD
A SENIOR ASSISTANT SPOKEN
TO LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.
HAVE I GOT EGG STAIN ON MY TIE?
WELL, NOT A BIG ONE.
I HAVE TO HAVE
THESE THREE BUTTONS
UNDONE ON MY WAISTCOAT,
OTHERWISE I CAN'T BREATHE.
- WHAT ABOUT THE FRAYED CUFF?
- MRS. GOLDBERG WAS
GOING TO TURN IT.
OH, DEAR, SHE HAS.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN
HIM GO ON LIKE THAT.
I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.
PERHAPS HE'S HAD ANOTHER
ROW WITH MRS. PEACOCK.
LIKE LAST TIME WHEN SHE
THREW THE CUSTARD ALL OVER HIM
AND MADE HIM SLEEP IN THE
SPARE ROOM FOR A WEEK.
IF I WAS MARRIED
TO MRS. PEACOCK,
I'D SLEEP IN THE SPARE
ROOM ALL THE TIME.
HE'S DEFINITELY NOT WELL.
HIS NOSTRILS ARE ALL DRAWN.
IS THAT BAD?
OUR MILKMAN'S HORSE
HAD DRAWN NOSTRILS.
DO YOU KNOW, ONE MORNING,
IT DROPPED DEAD IN THE SHAFTS.
YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,
IF HE DELIVERED MY MILK,
I'D ORDER AN EXTRA THREE PINTS.
I CAN REASSURE YOU IT'S
NOT AS SERIOUS AS THAT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I JUST DO.
I WAS TOLD IN THE STRICTEST
CONFIDENCE YESTERDAY.
YOU CAN TELL US IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE TODAY.
LOOK, IT'S A VERY
DELICATE MATTER.
MR. GOLDBERG,
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME
WILL TELL YOU THAT
I AM NOT A GOSSIP.
IT'LL GO NO FURTHER.
BUT I DID GIVE MY WORD.
- HE MADE YOU LOOK VERY SMALL
OVER THOSE FRAYED CUFFS.
- TRUE.
IT WAS VERY UNNECESSARY
TO MENTION THAT EGG STAIN.
I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.
WELL, APPARENTLY,
HE WENT DOWN TO SEE MR. FRANCO
IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT
HE WANTED SOME JOGGING SHORTS.
YOU KNOW HOW VAIN HE IS.
WELL, HE WOULDN'T BE SATISFIED
UNTIL HE TRIED THREE
LOTS OF SHORTS,
BUT THEN DURING THE PROCESS,
MR. FRANCO NOTICED
HE HAD A BOIL.
A VERY LARGE BOIL.
WHERE?
( laughing )
( laughing )
WHERE IS IT? TELL ME.
TELL ME!
( laughs )
POOR MAN.
DON'T KEEP IT TO
YOURSELVES, TELL ME!
I DIDN'T NOTICE A
BOIL ON HIS THUMB.
NOT ON HIS THUMB.
( laughing )
WELL, I THINK CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S GONE MAD.
JUST BECAUSE I
USED A FELT-TIP PEN
ON MY BILL PAD INSTEAD OF A BIRO
HE WENT ALL UP...
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT
WHEN THEY GO ALL RED
AND SWELL UP AND
THEIR EYES POP OUT?
- "APOPLOPTIC"?
- YES!
ALL I DID WAS USE
THE WRONG FINGER
TO RING UP THE TILL
AND I GOT A NO-SALE.
WHICH FINGER DID YOU USE?
IT'S IMMATERIAL, MR. LUCAS!
WHEN HE SAW THAT LITTLE RED FLAG
HE CAME CHARGING OVER TO ME.
HE WENT MAD FOR
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
I THOUGHT THE VEINS IN HIS
NECK WERE GOING TO BURST.
THEY WERE STANDING OUT
LIKE SPAGHETTI JUNCTION.
MIND YOU, HAVING A BOIL
WHERE HE'S GOT ONE...
IT MUST BE PAINFUL.
I'M SURE WE ALL FEEL FOR HIM.
YOU SPEAK FOR
YOURSELF. THIS IS JUSTICE.
HE'S BEEN ROTTEN TO ME
EVER SINCE I CAME HERE
AND I'VE HAD TO
TAKE IT SITTING DOWN.
NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR REVENGE BECAUSE
HE CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING SITTING DOWN.
( all laughing )
PLEASE, PLEASE. SHH! SHH!
KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN.
SHH. WE DON'T WANT
THIS THING TO SPREAD.
WHY? IS IT CATCHING?
( laughing )
LOOK, WILL YOU LISTEN...
I TOLD YOU IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
NOW PLEASE, PEOPLE CAN BE
REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT BOILS,
SO I MUST ASK YOU
EVEN FOR MY OWN SAKE
DON'T MENTION ANYTHING
ABOUT IT WHILE HE'S HERE.
I WON'T SAY A WORD.
I WOULDN'T BE THAT CHEEKY.
( laughing )
SHH!
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- A CUP OF TEA.
- NO, I MEANT THAT
THING ON YOUR ARM.
- OH THIS. YES, YES.
IT'S A RUBBER RING.
THE MEDICAL DEPARTMENT
HAVE HAD A LOT OF COMPLAINTS
ABOUT THE POOR QUALITY OF RUBBER
AND I VOLUNTEERED TO
TEST IT FOR A FEW DAYS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO TEST IT, YOU WANT
TO TREAT IT A BIT ROUGHER THAN THAT.
YOU WANT TO BOUNCE
UP AND DOWN A BIT ON IT.
THAT WILL COME LATER.
I MUST SAY THAT ANY RESEMBLANCE
BETWEEN THAT AND TEA
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
THAT'S BECAUSE THEY NEVER
BRING THE WATER TO THE BOIL.
THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT
OF HILARITY THIS MORNING.
I SUPPOSE AS USUAL, I SHALL BE THE
LAST ONE TO KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT.
JUST BECAUSE I'M
READING THE PAPER
IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
EVERYBODY HAS TO STOP TALKING.
( all talking at once )
WE'RE HAVING A
GOOD AMIABLE CHAT.
THERE'S A VERY GOOD
ARTICLE IN THAT PAPER.
ABOUT THE... THE...
GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY.
OH, YES, I WAS READING
ABOUT IT IN THE BUS.
STANDING UP?
YES, IT WAS FULL AS USUAL.
IT'S MY THEORY THAT
MOST OF THE MONEY
FINISHED UP IN SOUTH AMERICA.
YES. I DOUBT IF THEY'LL EVER
GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.
I EXPECT THEY WILL IN THE END.
YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
NO USE TRYING TO HIDE YOUR
SNIGGERING, MISS BRAHMS.
- YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
- KNOW WHAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
ABOUT MY... MY MISFORTUNE.
- HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?
- SOMEBODY TOLD ME.
- WHO?
- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I SEE. AND WHO TOLD
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I'M NOT ONE TO TELL TALES,
HOWEVER, SINCE WE'RE
ALL SNEAKING TODAY,
MR. LUCAS.
I KNEW MR. LUCAS WOULD BE IN THIS
THING SOMEWHERE. WHO TOLD YOU?
WILD HORSES WOULDN'T DRAG
THAT INFORMATION FROM MY LIPS,
BUT I WILL POINT.
I'M SURPRISED AT
YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
I'M SURPRISED AT ALL OF YOU.
HITHERTO, I HAD REGARDED
YOU AS MY FRIENDS.
I... I'M SURE I SPEAK
FOR EVERYBODY HERE
BUT I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE
CAUSED YOU SUCH DISTRESS.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW NOW,
MR. GOLDBERG, IS WHO TOLD YOU?
WELL, I WAS TOLD IN THE
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
IT WILL GO NO FURTHER.
YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH
US ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
HELLO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THEY'RE ALL ASKING AFTER
YOU IN THE PACKING DEPARTMENT.
HOW'S THE BOIL ON YOUR BUM?
Rumbold: SORRY I WAS DELAYED.
NOW THEN, WHAT'S ALL
THIS ABOUT, PEACOCK?
WELL, SIR, THIS IS A
MATTER OF SOME DELICACY.
I'M SUFFERING FROM A MINOR,
BUT PAINFUL INDISPOSITION.
DO YOU MEAN THE BOIL I
HEARD ABOUT IN THE LIFT?
YES, SIR. I HAVE A COMPLAINT.
YES, A VERY NASTY
ONE TOO, I SHOULD THINK.
NO, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN
I'VE BEEN MADE A LAUGHINGSTOCK
THROUGHOUT THE STORE
OWING TO A GRAVE
BREACH OF CONFIDENCE
BY A MEMBER OF
ANOTHER DEPARTMENT...
TO WIT... MR. FRANCO OF SPORTS.
YES, WELL COME TO
THE POINT, PEACOCK.
IT ALL OCCURRED
IN THE FITTING ROOM.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE
FIRST RULE OF SALES ETIQUETTE
IS THAT WHAT ONE SEES IN THE FITTING
ROOM IS IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.
WHILE I WAS TRYING ON A
PAIR OF JOGGING SHORTS,
MR. FRANCO BECAME
ACQUAINTED WITH MY AFFLICTION
AND BANDIED IT ABOUT THE STORE.
OBVIOUSLY, I THOUGHT YOU'D
RELEASED THE NEWS YOURSELF.
IT WOULDN'T BE SO
BAD IF IT WAS JUST US,
BUT WHEN IT GETS DOWN TO THE
PACKING DEPARTMENT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.
I FEEL MOST STRONGLY
THAT MR. FRANCO SHOULD
BE REPRIMANDED
THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS
AND SHOULD MAKE
A PROPER APOLOGY.
I THINK HE SHOULD WRITE IT OUT
AND PUT IT UP ON THE
STAFF NOTICE BOARD.
I DON'T THINK I'LL ASK HIM TO
GO THAT FAR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NO, THERE MIGHT BE ONE OR TWO
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD YET.
MY FIRST INSTINCT
WAS TO GO AND PUNCH
HIM ON THE NOSE.
BUT BECAUSE THIS WHOLE AFFAIR
BRINGS GRACE BROTHERS INTO DISREPUTE,
I FEEL IT PROPER TO GO
THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS.
I QUITE AGREE. I SHALL
PHONE MR. FRANCO AT ONCE.
I WOULDN'T HAVE
DREAMT OF PASSING IT ON
HAD I KNOWN THAT THE INFORMATION
WAS OBTAINED IN
THE FITTING ROOM.
YEAH, WE NEVER SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT BIG BLONDE
THAT CAME IN WITH THE
LIMERICK TATTOOED ON HER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
THERE ONCE WAS A
COUPLE OF ROCKERS.
WENT OUT WITH A BIRD WITH BIG...
THAT WILL DO, MISS BRAHMS.
AH, MR. FRANCO, RUMBOLD
HERE, THIRD FLOOR.
I HAVE CAPTAIN
PEACOCK HERE WITH ME.
OH, YOU HEARD.
HE FEELS THAT YOU
OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.
( laughing )
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD TAKE THAT LINE.
HE FEELS VERY STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
HIS FIRST INSTINCT
WAS TO COME DOWN
AND PUNCH YOU ON THE
NOSE... HE IS QUITE CAPABLE OF IT.
IN PASSING, YOU MIGHT MENTION
THAT I WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT
RUNNER-UP FOR THE
R.A.S.C. AT MERSA MATRUH.
HE WAS THE WELTERWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF MERSA MATRUH.
I ASSURE YOU HE IS NOT BLUFFING.
HE COMES FROM A BACKGROUND
WHERE A GENTLEMAN TAKES A
PERSON LIKE YOU DOWN TO THE GYM,
PUTS ON THE GLOVES AND
GIVES YOU A DAMN GOOD HIDING.
I SEE. HE ACCEPTS THE CHALLENGE.
WELL, FIVE ROUNDS,
THAT'S OKAY WITH US.
HE'LL GO 10 IF YOU LIKE.
RIGHT, VERY WELL THEN,
SATURDAY AFTERNOON, 3:00.
YOU...
( screams )
OOH, HE'S FLEXING HIS MUSCLES.
OOH, ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?
I'M GOING TO ASK
HIM TO SIGN THIS BILL.
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK...
- ( grunts )
ARE YOU FREE?
AT THE MOMENT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WOULD YOU SIGN THIS BILL FOR ME?
BUT IT'S BLANK, YOU
HAVEN'T SOLD ANYTHING.
I KNOW. I JUST WANTED
YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
WE'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT WE
IN THE LADIES DEPARTMENT
ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU.
WE THINK WHAT YOU'RE
DOING IS MARVELOUS.
ME AND MISS BRAHMS ARE SEEING
YOU FROM QUITE A DIFFERENT ANGLE.
AND WHAT WE SAY IS, "IF A MAN
CAN'T STICK UP FOR HIS HONOR,
WHAT CAN HE STICK UP FOR?"
THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
LOOK AT HIM. HE'S BASKING IN IT.
WELL, IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION
I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT
I'D DO THE SAME THING.
I WOULDN'T, BUT I'D
LIKE TO THINK I WOULD.
DO YOU KNOW I USED TO GET INTO
A LOT OF SCRAPS WHEN I WAS A LAD.
I WAS KNOWN AS
GRUESOME GOLDBERG,
THE GOLDERS GREEN GORILLA.
( elevator dings )
OY, OY, YOU'RE DOING
ALL RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
THEY DO SEEM TO ADMIRE A MAN
WHO STICKS TO HIS PRINCIPLES.
OH, THEY ADMIRE YOU... AND
THEY'RE VERY SORRY FOR YOU...
LIKE THEY ADMIRED
THE LIGHT BRIGADE.
ONLY A HANDFUL GOT THROUGH,
BUT THEY ADMIRED THEM.
MR. HARMAN, WHAT
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
WORD HAS IT THAT MR. FRANCO
IS VERY HANDY WITH HIS DUKES.
AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE
NAVY, HE BOXED FOR HIS SHIP.
- TORPEDO BOAT?
- AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
MR. HARMAN, DON'T
COME ON THE FLOOR
IN YOUR OVERALLS
DURING WORKING HOURS.
IN THAT CASE I WON'T TELL
YOU ABOUT HIS SECRET WEAPON.
WHAT SECRET WEAPON?
HE'S GOT A KILLER PUNCH...
IN BOTH HANDS.
MAY I USE YOUR
PHONE, MR. GOLDBERG?
I'D BE MOST HONORED, CHAMP.
I'LL GET THE NUMBER FOR
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M MAD ABOUT HIS AFTERSHAVE.
HE PROBABLY
SPLASHES IT ALL OVER.
- WHO DO YOU WANT?
- MR. GRACE.
A RATHER WORRYING
THOUGHT HAS STRUCK ME.
I HADN'T OBTAINED
MR. GRACE'S PERMISSION
AND HE MAY, OF COURSE, NOT
ALLOW THE FIGHT TO PROCEED.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE PLACE
ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
- HE WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
- AND WE WON'T SAY ANYTHING.
NO, BUT AS A
MATTER OF PRINCIPLE,
I FEEL I OUGHT TO
TELL HIM. THANK YOU.
I CAN ONLY SEE A BIT
OF THE PINK FROM HERE.
I CAN SEE QUITE A LOT FROM HERE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO MAKE ME RUSH IT.
NO, NO, TAKE ALL THE
TIME IN THE WORLD.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE, BUT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.
- HELLO, PEACOCK.
- Hello, sir.
WHAT'S ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU
HAVING A PUNCH-UP ON SATURDAY?
OH, YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT, SIR?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT ONLY
RIGHT TO CONSULT YOU.
BECAUSE I FELT THAT
YOU MAY WISH TO BAN IT.
BAN IT? I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
I'VE GOT A FIVER ON.
OH, I... I HOPE I DON'T
LET YOU DOWN, SIR.
NOT ON YOU, ON THE OTHER FELLOW.
HE DID VERY WELL IN
THE INTER-STORE FINALS.
KNOCKED OUT THE
HEAVYWEIGHT FROM MOTHERCARE.
( whimpers )
PEACOCK? HELLO, PEACOCK?
Peacock?
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS, LET'S
GET A GOOD RINGSIDE SEAT.
WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'LL BE COMING.
( gargles )
THAT WORKS.
WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK? IS
HE STILL IN THE FITTING ROOM?
HE HASN'T ARRIVED AT
THE FITTING ROOM YET.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
OH, MY HERO! I KNEW YOU
WOULDN'T LET US DOWN!
THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OF COURSE I WOULDN'T
LET YOU DOWN... NORMALLY.
- WHAT?
- WELL, AS A PRECAUTION,
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR
FOR A FINAL CHECK-UP
BUT BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING
HE'D INJECTED ME WITH ANTIBIOTICS.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?
TO MY DISMAY, THE
DOCTOR POINTED OUT
THAT AFTER TAKING ANTIBIOTICS
ONE MUSTN'T DRINK... OR BOX.
MY DOCTOR'S NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
PERHAPS IN YOUR CASE HE
THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T APPLY.
DOES THIS MEAN YOU
CAN'T FIGHT, PEACOCK?
IN A WORD, I'M AFRAID SO.
BUT THE HONOR OF THE
WHOLE DEPARTMENT'S AT STAKE.
I ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU
GO AND FIGHT HIM.
WELL, I CAN'T FIGHT,
BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES.
- TAKE THEM OFF.
- IF I DO THAT,
I CAN'T SEE.
WELL, I HOPE SOMEBODY'S
GOING TO FIGHT HIM.
I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP
MY AFTERNOON'S BINGO
TO SEE A LOT OF LILY-LIVERED
FAIRIES MAKING EXCUSES.
I WOULD WILLINGLY
STEP INTO THE BREACH,
IF YOU THINK A MAN WITH
ONE LUNG AND A TRUSS
WOULD BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE.
NO, NO, NO.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE
YOUNGER THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT NOT IN
SUCH GOOD CONDITION.
YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING BIG. NOW'S
YOUR CHANCE TO SHOW HOW BIG YOU ARE.
I WOULD... WERE IT
NOT FOR THE FACT
THAT MY POOR OLD MOTHER FOR
WHOM THE SLIGHTEST EXCITEMENT
COULD PROVE FATAL, MADE
ME JOIN THIS RELIGIOUS SECT.
YES, IT'S CALLED
COWARDS ANONYMOUS.
VERY NEARLY RIGHT.
THE OTHER NIGHT, I WENT TO
THE MEETING AND I ROLLED UP
MY LEFT TROUSER LEG AND HOLDING A
DEAD CHICKEN IN MY OUTSTRETCHED HAND
I SWORE BEFORE THE HIGH
LAMA I WOULD DO NO VIOLENCE
TO ANY LIVING THING
ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.
UNFORTUNATELY I ATE A LETTUCE
LEAF WITH A CATERPILLAR ON IT
- AND I'M STILL DOING PENANCE.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
OH, I'VE NEVER BOXED IN MY LIFE.
NOW WRESTLING,
THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.
I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE WRESTLING SORT.
I WAS KNOWN AS HUGGER HUMPHRIES.
THEY HAD TO PULL ME OFF PEOPLE.
I WAS THE CATCH-
AS-CATCH-CAN CHAMPION
OF THE BARLYMOOR
ROAD MIXED INFANTS.
WELL, IT'S ALL DOWN TO MISS
BRAHMS OR MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MY MONEY'S ON
THE HEAVYWEIGHT.
WEAK AS WATER!
IF I WAS A MAN, I'D BE IN THERE!
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SHAVED YOUR
MOUSTACHE OFF THEN, SHOULD YOU?
WE SHALL JUST HAVE TO POSTPONE THE
MATCH UNTIL CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS BETTER.
I MAY BE ON
ANTIBIOTICS FOR LIFE.
Rumbold: AH.
WELL, NICE TO SEE
YOU, MR. FRANCO,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE
HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
HEAR OUR BAD NEWS FIRST.
DUE TO THE SIZE OF
MR. FRANCO'S HANDS
THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT CAN'T
GET A PAIR OF GLOVES TO FIT HIM.
AH, CHICKENING OUT, EH?
I'M NOT CHICKENING OUT.
I CAN BEAT YOU
WITH MY OWN HANDS.
- DO YOU MEAN WRESTLING?
- ANYTHING YOU LIKE.
HOW ABOUT CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN?
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
Peacock: UNFORTUNATELY,
I'M ONLY A BOXING MAN.
- Franco: CHICKENING OUT, EH?
- CERTAINLY NOT!
- MR. HUMPHRIES!
- I'M NOT FREE.
OH, YES YOU ARE. GET HIM.
YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE, THIS
IS THE LADIES FITTING ROOM.
OH, NO! PUT ME DOWN!
NO, PLEASE, NO, PUT ME DOWN!
- TAKE YOUR TROUSERS OFF.
- OH.
I NEVER THOUGHT THOSE WORDS
COULD CAUSE SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS.
TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO
HARM ANYTHING ANIMAL, VEGETABLE OR INSECT.
THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT FAIRY CAKES.
NO!
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THIS SINCE "EMMANUELLE II"
MRS. SLOCOMBE: TAKE THEM
OFF! TAKE HIS THINGS OFF!
OWW! YOU VERY NEARLY DID.
- AND...
- ( screams )
Harman: MY LORDS, AND
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ON THE RIGHT, MR. FRANCO
FROM SPORTS EQUIPMENT...
- ( cheers )
- ( boos )
ON MY LEFT, MR. WILBERFORCE CLAYBORNE
HUMPHRIES OF GENTS READY-MADES.
( cheers )
THIS IS A THREE-ROUND CONTEST.
TWO FALLS OR A SUBMISSION
TO DECIDE THE WINNER...
OR THE FIRST OF THE TWO
GENTLEMEN TO RUN AWAY.
NOW, I WANT NO UNNECESSARY GOUGING
OR KICKING WITH THE POINT OF THE TOE.
- OH NO...
- NOT SO FAST.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY SO KEEN.
ALL RIGHT, ANY QUESTIONS?
YES. DID YOU GET THAT
RIBBON FROM HABERDASHERY?
WATCH IT, TWINKLE TOES.
RIGHT. GO TO YOUR CORNERS
AND COME OUT FIGHTING
WHEN I RING THE BELL.
NOW REMEMBER, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU ARE STANDING UP
FOR THE HONOR OF
THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.
YES, WELL, YOU
TELL MY LEGS THAT.
- ( bell rings )
- ROUND ONE!
ARE YOU LISTENING?
I HAVEN'T GOT MUCH
CHOICE, HAVE I?
( cries ) NO!
HAVE YOU GOT ANY
GRUDGE AGAINST ME?
OF COURSE NOT. I'M SURE
UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES
WE COULD GET ON QUITE WELL. OWW!
IN THAT CASE, ALL WE'VE GOT
TO DO IS MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.
I'M ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS.
( cheering )
HERE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A FLYING CROSS BUTTOCK?
NOT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, NO.
FIRST THING WE'VE GOT TO DO
IS WHIRL YOU AROUND MY SHOULDERS
AND SLAM YOU ONTO THE FLOOR.
THEY CALL IT A PROPELLER.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
YOU'RE GOING TO DO
AN AGONIZING YELL.
I THINK I CAN
MANAGE THAT. ( yelps )
HE'S GIVING HIM A
FLYING PROPELLER!
- ( Humphries yelling )
- Franco: NOT YET.
Humphries: I'LL BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT.
( groans)
( groaning )
THAT WAS A GOOD YELL.
I THINK YOU'VE DONE
THIS GAME BEFORE.
BUT NOT WITH SO
MANY PEOPLE WATCHING.
NOW... NOW I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU
A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.
IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY.
ISN'T IT TIME I GOT
YOU INTO SOMETHING?
NO, NO, THEY'VE GOT
TO HATE ME FIRST.
AND THEN WHEN YOU
GET YOUR REVENGE
THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE
YOU. SO HERE WE GO.
DON'T FORGET TO YELL.
( yelling )
HE'S ROUGH. HE'S GIVING
HIM A PATAGONIAN NOSE HOLD.
THERE YOU ARE,
THEY'RE HATING ME NOW.
I'M NOT SO KEEN ON YOU MYSELF.
( booing )
- I JUST REMEMBERED.
- WHAT?
A BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.
OH, THAT'LL BE NICE. OW! OW!
OW! OW!
WHAT'S HE DOING?
HE'S KILLING HIM!
HE'S GIVING HIM A
BRAZILIAN ELBOW JAB.
THAT'S IT! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH!
- ARE YOU GOING HOME?
- NO, I'M GOING IN.
YOU BIG BULLY!
WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON
SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE?
THE WINNER ON A
KNOCKOUT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW
WHEN A WOMAN HAS A BEE IN
HER BONNET, WE'D BETTER BEHAVE.
OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER
WAY, MR. HARMAN,
WHEN A MAN HAS A BOIL ON
HIS BUM, HE BETTER BELT UP.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN. ♪