Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 3 - The Apartment - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪

THERE, SIR. THIS IS GENUINE
HARD-WEARING BARATHEA.

- HOW MUCH IS IT AGAIN?
- IT'S £120, SIR.

NOW I KNOW YOU MAY
THINK THAT'S EXPENSIVE,

BUT LET ME POINT OUT
ONE OR TWO DETAILS.

THE HAND-STITCHED LAPELS.

THE LAST TWO BUTTONS ON THE
CUFFS ARE FULLY OPERATIONAL.



WOULDN'T GET THAT ON A
CHEAP JACKET, WOULD YOU?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T. THE
BUTTONS WERE STITCHED ON.

HOW DOES THE BACK LOOK?

IT'S VERY SNUG AT THE BACK, SIR.

BUT YOU'VE GOT SUCH
BROAD SHOULDERS.

HOW ABOUT A PINE PAISLEY
SCARF TO GO AROUND THE NECK?

- HOW MUCH IS IT?
- £14, SIR.

LET'S LOOK. OH YES.

THAT DOES SET OFF THE
NECK, DOESN'T IT, MR. LUCAS?

YES, MR. HUMPHRIES.
AND THE HAND-STITCHING

- AND THE BUTTONS ON THE CUFF.
- THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

THIS WALKING STICK LOOKS
RATHER NICE. HOW MUCH IS THAT?

THAT'S ON SPECIAL OFFER,
SIR. £3.20, GENUINE WOODEN ASH.

- I LIKE IT.
- AH, GOOD MORNING, SIR.



I'M SORRY I WASN'T HERE
TO ATTEND TO YOU MYSELF.

I'VE JUST BEEN TO THE CLOAKROOM.

MAY I SAY, SIR, HOW MUCH
THAT JACKET SUITS YOU?

OH, IT'S AN EXEMPLARY FIT.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU, MR. GOLDBERG. THE GENTLEMAN'S
ALSO TAKING THE PINE PAISLEY SCARF.

- AND THE ASH WALKING STICK.
- YEAH, OH...!

I SHOULD SAY THE
ASH WALKING STICK

WOULD BE MORE SUITABLE
WITH A TWEED JACKET.

- NOW, THIS ONE, FOR EXAMPLE.
- NOW, I DO LIKE THAT.

YOU LIKE IT? THERE
YOU ARE. TRY IT ON, SIR.

PLEASE. THANK YOU.

THERE WE ARE.

THIS IS A SPECIAL
OFFER, SIR. THIS IS £140.

YOU CAN BUY THE COTTON WOOL TO
STUFF IN 'EM ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

- MISS BRAHMS.
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

IS THERE STILL NO SIGN
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SHE SAID SHE MIGHT
BE LATE THIS MORNING

ON ACCOUNT OF SHE'S
SHIFTING HER FLAT.

YOU SHOULD'VE GIVEN HER
THE DAY OFF, LIKE SHE ASKED.

SHE'S GOING TO BE IN A RIGHT
STATE WHEN SHE GETS HERE.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
- ( cat meowing )

OH, PUSSY, DO BE A GOOD GIRL.

- OH, THE REMOVAL MEN
HAVE ONLY JUST LEFT.
- ( meowing )

I SEE YOU FOLLOWED THE VAN
WITH YOUR OLD COCK LINNET.

I WAS LUCKY TO GET A VAN AT ALL

WITH THESE LIGHTNING
TRANSPORT STRIKES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THERE IS A STRICT RULE

THAT STAFF MAY NOT
BRING PETS TO THE STORE.

YOU KNOW HOW CLUMSY
THOSE REMOVAL MEN ARE.

I'M NOT HAVING THEM
HANDLING MY PUSSY.

AND IF YOU'LL TAKE MY ADVICE,
YOU'LL KEEP AWAY YOURSELF.

SHE'S IN A VERY DISTURBED STATE.

I HAPPEN TO BE VERY
GOOD WITH ANIMALS.

- HELLO, LITTLE PUSSY.
- ( hissing )

OW! GOD!

- WELL, I DID WARN YOU.
- IT BIT ME!

SHE HASN'T HAD
HER BREAKFAST YET.

I SUGGEST YOU PUT YOU MENAGERIE
OUT OF SIGHT AND KEEP IT THERE.

OH, MISS BRAHMS,

WOULD YOU TAKE THEM
INTO THE FITTING ROOM?

DON'T BE FRIGHTENED, LITTLE
PUSSY, IT'S ONLY YOUR AUNTIE SHIRLEY.

- ( hissing )
- OH! OHH!

IT MUST HAVE TAKEN A WEIGHT OFF YOUR
MIND TO HAVE COMPLETED YOUR REMOVAL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "COMPLETED IT"?
ALL I'VE DONE IS SEE THE STUFF ON THE VAN.

ALL THEY'VE GOT TO DO IS DUMP IT. I'M
THE ONE THAT'S GOT TO SORT IT ALL OUT.

I SHOULD HAVE HAD
THREE DAYS OFF FOR THIS.

BELIEVE ME I TRIED, BUT
MR. RUMBOLD WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.

( phone rings )

( formally ) LADIES
INTIMATE APPAREL.

( normally ) I SAID
LADIES INTIMATE APP...

ALL RIGHT THEN... KNICKERS
AND KNOCKER COVERS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, SUPERVISOR.

MAY I BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE?

MR. ARMSTRONG?

OH, IT'S THE VAN DRIVER.

I'VE GOT WHAT?

I'VE GOT SQUATTERS
IN MY NEW FLAT!

WELL, I MEAN, THEY CAN'T...
THEY CAN'T SQUAT ON ME.

I MEAN, THEY'VE GOT
TO SQUAT ON PEOPLE

WHO LIVE IN COUNCIL
FLATS, AND MILLIONAIRES.

WELL, WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO WITH ALL MY FURNITURE?

THAT WASN'T A VERY
HELPFUL SUGGESTION.

NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT
BACK TO THE OLD FLAT.

THE OTHER PEOPLE
WILL HAVE MOVED IN NOW.

I KNOW. CAN WE
LEAVE IT ON THE VAN?

HE'S GOT ANOTHER
JOB AT LUNCHTIME.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO
GIVE ME A MINUTE TO THINK.

LOOK, TELL ME YOUR
TELEPHONE NUMBER

AND THEN I CAN RING YOU BACK.

RIGHT, I'VE GOT IT.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!

WHO AM I GOING TO SQUAT ON?

YES. I'VE HAD A
WORD WITH MR. GRACE

AND IN VIEW OF YOUR PREDICAMENT,
HE IS PREPARED TO HELP.

AND SO I SHOULD HOPE!
IF I'D HAD THE DAY OFF

I COULD HAVE BEEN IN
TIME AND STOPPED THIS.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.

I DID, THROUGH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU REMEMBER, I MADE THE
SUGGESTION IN THE WASHROOM, SIR.

YES, WELL... ( clears throat )

I COULDN'T HEAR VERY
WELL THROUGH THE DOOR.

ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW

THAT I CLOSE MY EARS TO
SUGGESTIONS IN THE WASHROOM.

HOWEVER, IN VIEW OF THE MIX UP,

YOUNG MR. GRACE HAS AGREED
THAT YOU MAY STORE YOUR EFFECTS

IN DEPARTMENT 5B, WHICH
IS ON THE TOP FLOOR.

IT'S VACANT AT THE MOMENT,
PENDING REFURBISHMENT.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.
I'M VERY GRATEFUL.

THE CONTRACTORS DON'T START
WORK FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

SO THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU TIME
TO GET YOURSELF SORTED OUT.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND
OF YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

ALTHOUGH WE'RE A
LARGE ORGANIZATION,

WE TOP EXECUTIVES
DO HAVE HEARTS.

OH YES, I CAN SEE THAT.

I MUST TELL THE VAN
DRIVER WHERE TO DELIVER.

MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?

CERTAINLY NOT! USE
THE CALL BOX BY THE LIFT.

OH, MR. LUCAS,

MAY I HAVE THAT PIECE OF CHICKEN
YOU'VE LEFT ON YOUR PLATE FOR MY PUSSY?

CERTAINLY.

NOT WITH YOUR
FINGERS, MR. LUCAS.

SHE'S VERY PARTICULAR.

WOULD YOUR LITTLE COMPANION

LIKE THE HEAD OF MY SARDINE?

NO, THANK YOU. SHE
HAS VERY FEW TEETH LEFT

AND HER POOR GUMS
CAN'T CRUNCH THE SKULLS.

THAT'S WHY
MR. GOLDBERG DIDN'T EAT IT.

HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE YOU
TO GET RID OF THESE SQUATTERS?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING
TO SLEEP TONIGHT?

I SUPPOSE I SHALL JUST
HAVE TO GO TO A HOTEL.

All: AWW!

UNLESS OF COURSE
ONE OF MY FRIENDS

OFFERS ME ACCOMMODATION.

OF COURSE, I'D HELP ANYBODY
OUT IF THEY WERE STUCK.

I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU TO
MY PLACE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, THANK YOU, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK. ISN'T HE A GENT?

UNFORTUNATELY, MY WIFE
IS AWAY VISITING HER SISTER

SO WE'D BE ALONE IN THE HOUSE
AND THERE MIGHT BE A LOT OF TALK.

FROM ALL ACCOUNTS,
THAT'S ALL THERE WOULD BE.

WE HAVE A SPARE ROOM.

THANK YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

LAST NIGHT THE COLD
WATER TANK SPRANG A LEAK

WHICH BROUGHT DOWN THE
CEILING ALL OVER THE BED.

TAKING WITH IT THE WIRING

WHICH ELECTRIFIED THE SPRINGS.

YOU NEVER MENTIONED
THAT THIS MORNING.

IT SLIPPED MY MEMORY
UNTIL THIS VERY MINUTE.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE
HAVEN'T GOT A SPARE BED,

BUT IF YOU'RE REALLY DESPERATE, YOU
COULD COME AND SNUGGLE UP WITH ME.

I DON'T THINK SO, MR. LUCAS.

IF YOU'RE WORRIED YOU
COULDN'T CONTROL YOURSELF,

I COULD ALWAYS PUT A
BOLSTER DOWN THE MIDDLE.

I DON'T THINK MY BEING
HOMELESS IS A SUBJECT FOR JOKING.

I QUITE AGREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES, I KNEW
THAT YOU'D BE SYMPATHETIC.

WHAT A PITY I'VE GOT THOSE THREE
PAKISTANI NUNS STAYING WITH ME.

NOT ONLY HAVE THEY GOT THE SPARE
ROOM BUT THEY'RE ON THE SOFA AS WELL.

YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT
THIS MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

NO, I FORGOT IT WHILE YOU
WERE FORGETTING YOUR CEILING.

WHICH LEAVES YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

OH, I DON'T THINK I
EVER MENTIONED IT,

BUT MY BROTHER'S A RUGBY PLAYER.

YOU NEVER EVEN MENTIONED
YOU HAD A BROTHER.

ANYWAY, HIS TEAM'S GOT TO SET OFF
EARLY TOMORROW FOR A BIG MATCH

SO THEY'RE STAYING THE NIGHT AT
OUR PLACE TO BE READY FOR THE BUS.

YOU SEE, THEY USUALLY GO ON THE
TRAIN BUT WITH ALL THE SUDDEN STRIKES,

THEY DIDN'T WANT
TO TAKE THE RISK.

SO, ANYWAY, THAT MEANS
WE'VE GOT BIG, HAIRY,

BEER-DRINKING MEN IN EVERY ROOM.

OH, WELL I'VE GOT
THE ANSWER TO THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU AND MRS. SLOCOMBE GO AND HAVE
MR. HUMPHRIES BED AND HE CAN HAVE YOURS?

I CAN JUST PICTURE IT, BROUGHT
DOWN BY A FLYING TACKLE

AS I TAKE MY TEDDY
TO THE BATHROOM.

EXCUSE ME, MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOUR
GOODS AND CHATTELS HAS JUST ARRIVED.

IT'S ON THE WAY UP
ON THE GOODS LIFT.

OUR MEN HAVE BEEN WORKING
RIGHT THROUGH THEIR LUNCHTIME.

SO IF YOU COULD SEE THEM RIGHT,

WITH MONEY I MEAN.

OH YES, I'D BETTER
GO AND SUPERVISE.

A TERRIBLE THING TO HAVE
HAPPEN AT HER TIME OF LIFE.

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOWED
UP VERY WELL AS FRIENDS.

I RATHER FEEL THAT MINE
WAS THE ONLY GENUINE EXCUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE REALLY HAVE
GOT 15 RUGBY PLAYERS STAYING THE NIGHT.

MINE WAS NEARLY TRUE. I
MEAN, THEY WILL BE NUNS

BY THE TIME WE GET TO
THE FANCY DRESS PARTY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING AS?
- I'M NOT SURE.

I DISCUSSED IT WITH THEM.
I MIGHT GO AS THE POPE,

BUT I WON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN
TILL I GET TO THE END OF OUR ROAD

AND SEE WHETHER THERE'S BLACK OR
WHITE SMOKE COMING OUT OF MY CHIMNEY.

THANK YOU, MADAM. IF YOU
WANT TO CHANGE THE GARMENT

- JUST BRING IT BACK
WITH THE RECEIPT.
- OH, THANK YOU.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU'VE BEEN ABOUT
TWO HOURS. IT REALLY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

I HAD TO SORT ME THINGS OUT.

YOU FOUND ANYWHERE TO STAY YET?

NO, BUT I'VE HAD
A MARVELOUS IDEA.

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM.
I'M GOING TO STAY IN MY FLAT.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT A FLAT.

OH YES I HAVE. THERE'S
LOTS ROOM ON THAT FLOOR

SO INSTEAD OF
PILING MY THINGS UP,

I SET THEM ALL OUT JUST
LIKE THEY WERE AT HOME.

THERE'S EVERYTHING UP
THERE, WATER, GAS, PLUGS.

IT'S SELF-CONTAINED.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING
TO STAY HERE IN THE STORE?

- WHY NOT?
- DO YOU THINK
THEY'LL LET YOU?

I'M GOING TO ASK
MR. GRACE PERSONALLY.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS
FLUTTER YOUR EYELASHES

AND CROSS YOUR LEGS
AND HE'S LIKE PUTTY.

AT HIS AGE, HE'S LIKE
PUTTY ALL THE TIME.

STILL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO TRY
FLUTTERING YOUR EYELASHES

YOU'D BETTER HAVE THESE
CLEOPATRA EXTRA-LONG DELUXE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE MR. GRACE.

YOU CAN'T DISTURB HIM NOW. I'M
EXHAUSTED JUST TRYING TO GET HIM TO SLEEP.

BUT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

ON YOU OWN HEAD BE
IT, BUT WAKE HIM GENTLY.

- COOEE! SURPRISE!
- AH! WHERE AM I?

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO WAKE YOU.

I HOPE IT'S IMPORTANT.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF A VERY NICE DREAM.

YOU LOOKED VERY GOOD
IN A GIRL GUIDE'S UNIFORM.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WOULD
LIKE A WORD WITH YOU NOW.

OH, VERY WELL. TELL HER
I'LL GIVE HER A FEW MOMENTS.

OH, MR. GRACE WILL SEE
YOU NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU TO SEE ME,
MR. GRACE, WHEN YOU'RE SO BUSY.

NOT AT ALL. PLEASE SIT DOWN.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YOU WANT A RISE, I SEE.

NO, MR. GRACE, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S NOT THAT WHAT I CAME FOR.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I WASN'T
GOING TO GIVE YOU ONE.

NO, I WANT PERMISSION

TO SLEEP ON YOUR PREMISES.

YOU'RE VERY DETERMINED
ABOUT THIS RISE, AREN'T YOU?

OH, VERY WELL. YOU
CAN BRING ONE SMALL BAG

AND YOUR NIGHTIE

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GO VERY EARLY IN
THE MORNING BEFORE THE SERVANTS COME.

NO, MR. GRACE, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE...

COME ON THEN, PET.

THERE YOU ARE,
LITTLE SWEETHEART.

ISN'T IT NICE TO BE BACK
IN YOUR USUAL CORNER?

OH, PUSSY,

IT'S LOVELY TO BE AT HOME AGAIN.

THERE YOU ARE. I'VE
WIRED YOU UP TO THE JUICE.

AND I'VE CONNECTED A GAS
STOVE SO YOU CAN BOIL A KETTLE.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. HARMAN.

I SEEM TO HAVE EVERYTHING
EXCEPT A FRONT DOOR.

- OH, HANG ABOUT. WARWICK.
- HELLO.

- GIVE US A HAND
WITH THAT WALL UNIT.
- RIGHT.

HAVE IT OVER HERE.

IT WAS LEFT OVER FROM GRACE
BROTHERS IDEAL HOME DISPLAY.

- TO ME. CAN YOU MANAGE? - YES.

SHALL I FETCH UP TEARBOLD
TO GIVE YOU A HAND?

- YOU CAN MANAGE, CAN YOU?
- MIND YOUR FEET.

OH, ISN'T THAT LOVELY?

( knocking )

NOW I'VE GOT SOMEWHERE
TO PUT MY DOORMAT.

AND IT'S SOMEWHERE TO
PUT THE CAT OUT AS WELL.

HOW MANY PINTS OF MILK DO
YOU WANT IN THE MORNING?

THEY DON'T DELIVER
UP HERE, DO THEY?

I'LL FETCH IT UP FROM
THE CANTEEN FOR YOU.

OH, MR. HARMAN,
THAT IS GOOD OF YOU.

- I'LL BE OFF THEN.
- I'LL JUST SEE YOU OUT.

- BYE-BYE.
- BYE-BYE.

( doorbell rings )

- YES?
- I FORGOT TO PLUG
IN THE PHONE.

- CAN YOU DO THAT?
- OH YEAH, YEAH.

I CAN GIVE YOU OUTSIDE
LINE OR AN INTERNAL ONE, SEE?

IT'S A VERY NICE PLACE
YOU GOT HERE, ISN'T IT?

OH, AND IT'S EVER
SO EASY TO RUN.

IT MUST BE WORTH A
BIT, BEING DETACHED.

- ( phone rings )
- WHOEVER CAN THAT BE?

I DIDN'T GIVE ANYBODY MY NUMBER.

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S RESIDENCE.
HARMAN THE BUTLER HERE.

YEAH. IT'S MR. RUMBOLD FOR YOU.

HELLO.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'M QUITE
AWARE THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE

GAVE YOU A TEA BREAK SO THAT YOU
COULD ARRANGE YOUR DOMESTIC AFFAIRS

BUT I HAVE CALLED A STAFF
MEETING HERE IN MY OFFICE.

IF YOU COULD BE
HERE I'D APPRECIATE IT.

CERTAINLY, MR. RUMBOLD.

I'D BETTER HURRY, HE
SOUNDS RIGHT RATTY.

- AH, ARE WE
ALL ASSEMBLED?
- EXCEPT MRS. SLOCOMBE

WHO'S BEEN ABSENT
FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

TELL-TALE-TIT!

I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

WAS IT NECESSARY TO
WEAR YOU HAT AND COAT

TO COME DOWN FROM
THE FIFTH FLOOR?

IT'S VERY CHILLY
IN THE GOODS LIFT.

I HOPE THIS ISN'T
GOING TO TAKE LONG,

I'VE LEFT MY FRONT
DOOR ON THE LATCH.

YES, WELL, I'M SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU

BUT THE TRAIN DRIVERS
ARE GOING OUT ON STRIKE

AND THE BUS DRIVERS ARE
PROBABLY GOING OUT IN SYMPATHY.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW THEY'VE
GOT SYMPATHY FOR SOMEONE.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, YOUNG MR. GRACE
HAS AGREED TO CLOSE THE STORE EARLY

TO ENABLE YOU ALL TO GO GET HOME
BEFORE EVERYTHING SHUTS DOWN.

- THAT'S VERY
GENEROUS OF HIM, SIR.
- MAY WE THANK HIM PERSONALLY?

I'M AFRAID HE WENT
HOME HALF AN HOUR AGO.

YOUR TAXI IS HERE, MR. RUMBOLD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD LUCK, EVERYBODY.

MR. RUMBOLD, ARE
YOU GOING MY WAY?

I'M SURE YOU'D BE THE
FIRST TO KNOW IF HE WAS.

LET'S HURRY UP BEFORE
EVERYTHING CLOSES.

I'VE ONLY GOT TO GO
UPSTAIRS TO MY FLAT,

PUT THE KETTLE ON AND
HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA

IN FRONT OF THE
FIRE WITH MY PUSSY.

ISN'T LUCKY THAT
NONE OF MY FRIENDS

HAD THE PROBLEM OF
GIVING ME ACCOMMODATION?

♪ THESE HERE
FANCIES ARE PART... ♪

♪ LA DI DA DUM ♪

♪ DI DI DI ♪

♪ EASE MY HEART ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA... ♪

♪ I'M DREAMING OF... ♪
OH!

( doorbell rings )

WHO CAN IT BE AT THIS TIME?

WHO IS IT?

IT'S ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- BUT I'M IN MY NIGHTIE.
- I CAN SEE THAT.

OH, JUST A MINUTE THEN.

I'M SORRY TO BE SO LONG,

BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO
CAREFUL NOWADAYS.

THIS ONE'S STUCK.

CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND?

COME IN. WIPE YOUR FEET.

THANKS.

YOU CAN HANG YOUR
HAT AND COAT UP THERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW THEN. WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME INTO THE PARLOR?

OH, I SAY!

WELL NOW, WHAT BRINGS
YOU TO THESE PARTS?

I GOT ON THE BUS AND WE'D
ONLY GONE ABOUT 200 YARDS

AND THE CONDUCTOR BECAME VERY
SYMPATHETIC AND SAID TO US, "GET OFF."

SO I THOUGHT, "I'LL JUST POP
IN AND SEE MRS. SLOCOMBE

BEFORE I START MY LONG, LONG,

15-MILE LONELY WALK HOME."

I SUPPOSE YOU COULD
ALWAYS USE MY SPARE ROOM.

ON THE OTHER HAND, OF
COURSE, THERE MIGHT BE TALK.

I DON'T THINK SO,
NOT IN MY CASE.

GO ON THEN, PUT YOUR FEET UP.

I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF TEA.

- YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST
WHAT I COULD DO WITH.
- HANG ON.

YOU'RE QUITE DIFFERENT, AREN'T YOU, WHEN
YOU'RE AT HOME TO WHEN YOU'RE IN THE STORE?

BEHIND YOUR COUNTER
YOU LOOK SO STERN.

HERE AT HOME
YOU'RE ALL FEMININE.

WELL, I USE LESS
MAKE-UP AT HOME.

WELL, ONE DOES.

- CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND?
- NO, THERE'S NO NEED.

I DON'T MIND. I'D LIKE
TO SEE YOUR KITCHEN.

COME ON THEN.

OH, WHAT A LOVELY VIEW.

YES, I LOVE THE CONTINENT.

VERY COMPACT, ISN'T IT?

THERE'S ONLY ME

SINCE MR. SLOCOMBE WAS TAKEN.

MM. WAS IT VERY SUDDEN?

OH, THERE WAS NO WARNING AT ALL.

THE FRAUD SQUAD CAME
AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

WELL, WHILE THE KETTLE'S BOILING,
I'LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

DO YOU MIND LEADING THE WAY?
I'VE FORGOTTEN WHERE THE DOOR IS.

THIS WAY.

THAT'S THE GUEST TOILET.

ONLY IT'S NOT CONNECTED UP.

VERY COZY.

YES, I HAD A BRUSH
SALESMAN STAYING HERE.

HE USED TO SPEND HOURS IN
THERE PLANNING HIS CAMPAIGNS.

IT'S GOT A HISTORY THEN.

WELL, THIS IS YOUR LITTLE ROOM.

IT HAS A HALF-QUEEN SIZE BED.

BETTER THAN NO QUEEN AT ALL.

DO YOU SLEEP AS NATURE INTENDED?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING AS NATURE INTENDED.

NO, I MEAN DO YOU
SLEEP IN THE ALTOGETHER?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I'VE GOT SOME PAJAMAS HERE.

OH, YOU'VE ENTERTAINED A
GENTLEMAN VISITOR BEFORE?

THESE BELONGED TO
THE BRUSH SALESMAN.

I CAN SEE THAT BY THE BRISTLES.

THAT'S THE JACKET.

HE WAS A VERY BIG MAN.

ON TOP, YES.

FUNNILY ENOUGH, HE DIDN'T
HAVE A RIGHT LOT DOWN BELOW.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR TEASMADE

AND THERE'S A LITTLE
TELLY IN THIS CUPBOARD.

OH, I'LL JUST SWITCH
YOUR BLANKET ON.

THERE, IT'LL TAKE THE
CHILL OFF FOR YOU.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU CERTAINLY
KNOW HOW TO LOOK AFTER A PERSON.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO HAVE
SOMEBODY TO CARE FOR.

- YOU SEEM TO ENJOY IT.
- I BET YOUR MOTHER DOES, TOO.

SHE SAYS IT'S TIME I LEFT HOME.

WELL, JUST FOR
TONIGHT, YOU HAVE.

YES, AND THE WAY THE BUSES
ARE GOING, IT MIGHT BE A WEEK.

A WHOLE WEEK TOGETHER?

COME TO THINK OF IT,

IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD THING.

DO YOU KNOW, I WAS CLEARING OUT
OUR ATTIC AT HOME THE OTHER DAY

AND I FOUND THIS OLD CALENDAR
CALLED "THE WEEK OF LOVE."

IT SAID MONDAY FOR MEETING,

TUESDAY FOR TALKING,
WEDNESDAY FOR WISHING,

THURSDAY FOR TOUCHING

FRIDAY FOR SOME REASON
HAD BEEN TORN OUT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I WANT YOU

TO PUT YOURSELF
COMPLETELY IN MY HANDS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, IF YOU'RE THINKING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE THINKING,

IT'S NOT GOING TO
BE EASY FOR ME.

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE...

YOU'RE ON A CAMPING
HOLIDAY WITH A FRIEND.

THAT WASN'T THE BEST
SUGGESTION YOU COULD MAKE.

- HERE WE ARE.
- OH, THIS IS NICE.

WHAT A LOVELY BED-SPREAD.

THOSE BRISTLES GET
EVERYWHERE, DON'T THEY?

NOT JUST TRY THAT
BED. IT'S EVER SO COMFY.

OH YES.

IT'S GOT A LOT OF LIFE IN IT.

THERE'S A LOT OF
LIFE IN ME AS WELL.

- ( doorbell rings )
- MY MOTHER! OH!

DON'T WORRY. WHOEVER
IT IS, I'LL GET RID OF HIM.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, I
HAVEN'T READ THIS ONE.

- WHO IS IT?
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M IN MY NIGHT ATTIRE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE
UNTIL I FIND ME DRESSING GOWN.

- IS IT A CHECKED ONE?
- YES.

IT'S HANGING ON THE HAT STAND.

YOU CHEEKY...

I'M... I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU

BUT THE STRIKE HAS
HIT THE UNDERGROUND

AND ALL THE BUSES HAVE STOPPED.

AREN'T YOU AFRAID
THERE MIGHT BE TALK?

AS LONG AS THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

OH, COME IN. WIPE YOUR FEET.

I THOUGHT RATHER THAN PROWL
THE STREETS LOOKING FOR A HOTEL,

I'D BORROW YOUR SOFA.

OH, YOU'VE PIPPED
ME TO THE POST.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE
SPARE ROOM. IT'S DOWN THERE.

YOU'RE VERY HOSPITABLE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, IT LOOKS RATHER COZY.

HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO GIVE ME THE SPARE ROOM.

YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOUR ACCOMMODATION
HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.

BUT CAPTAIN PEACOCK MIGHT SEE.

NOT WHEN THE LIGHTS
ARE OUT, HE WON'T.

THIS'LL DO NICELY. I'VE HAD A SANDWICH
SO YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER ABOUT SUPPER.

I WASN'T GOING TO.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME
TO YOU, I'LL TURN IN.

OH WELL, HURRY UP THEN.
THE SOONER THE BETTER.

SLEEP WELL.

( doorbell ringing )

- ( knocking ) - ALL RIGHT.
I'M COMING. I'M COMING.

- WHO IS IT?
- IT'S ME, LUCAS.

HONESTLY, IT'S LIKE
RUNNING A RUDDY HOTEL.

OH, COME ON IN, THEN.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

- ( doorbell rings )
- I'M HERE. WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M OUT HERE.

AND HURRY UP, I'M
IN MY NIGHT ATTIRE.

I CAN'T WORK THE LOCK.

YOU PULL IT UP.

COME IN. WIPE YOUR FEET.

I KNOW, YOU CAN'T GET HOME
AND YOU WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

FATE DOES SEEM TO HAVE THROWN
US TOGETHER, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH NO, IT HASN'T.

YOU CAN SLEEP IN THE SPARE
ROOM WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SLEEP ON THE SOFA.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, I'LL
SLEEP WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

LISTEN, I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY. I SUPPOSE
A BACON AND EGG IS OUT OF THE QUESTION?

HOW DID YOU GUESS?

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. I'LL
JUST LIE DOWN AND HAVE A QUIET RUMBLE.

- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- LUCAS.

THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.

NOW THEN, AS SOON
AS THEY DROP OFF

YOU CAN CREEP INTO MY ROOM.

( doorbell ringing )

COME IN, IT'S OPEN!

WE COULDN'T GET HOME.

WE WONDERED IF YOU COULD
GIVE US SHELTER FOR TONIGHT.

COME IN AND WIPE YOUR FEET.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP.

I MEAN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK AND
MR. LUCAS ARE IN THE SPARE ROOM

AND MR. HUMPHRIES
IS ON THE SOFA.

I'LL GO WITH PEACOCK.

LUCAS, YOU'RE
SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.

IT'S MARVELOUS, ISN'T IT?

I'LL SLEEP IN THE BATH.

AFTER 25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

ONE GETS THE KNACK, YOU KNOW?

NOW, SEE IF WE PUT THESE
TWO CHAIRS TOGETHER,

MR. LUCAS CAN
SLEEP ACROSS THESE.

NO, HE CAN'T.

I MEAN, IF HE DOES THAT HE'LL
SEE YOU'RE NOT ON THE SOFA.

BUT I AM ON THE SOFA.

YES, BUT YOU WON'T BE WHEN
EVERYBODY'S GONE TO SLEEP.

BUT WE MIGHT AROUSE
SOMEBODY'S SUSPICION.

AT THIS RATE, WE'LL BE
LUCKY IF WE AROUSE ANYTHING.

- ( doorbell rings )
- OH, WHO CAN THIS BE?

WITH ANY LUCK IT'LL BE
THE BRUSH SALESMAN.

DON'T TELL ME, YOU CAN'T GET HOME
AND YOU'VE COME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT.

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO PUT YOU OUT

BECAUSE I'VE GOT ALL THE REST
STAYING HERE AND THERE'S NO MORE ROOM.

I DON'T MIND SHARING YOUR BED.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN
TO BE CONVENIENT.

WELL, IT WASN'T INCONVENIENT WHEN YOU GOT
STUCK AT MY PLACE AND HAD TO SHARE MINE.

- WELL...
- I'M NOT GOING OUT ON THEM STREETS AGAIN.

I'VE HAD FOUR PROPOSALS
BETWEEN HERE AND THE BUS STOP

AND THEY WASN'T MARRIAGE.

GO ON THEN, GET IN.

I'VE GOT TO SHARE
WITH MISS BRAHMS.

OH, I SEE.

ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED
OR RELIEVED?

I'M NEITHER ONE
WAY OR THE OTHER.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S THE WAY

YOU'RE STILL GOING
TO BE IN THE MORNING.

OH WELL, GOOD NIGHT, CHICKEN.

I HOPE YOU DON'T SNORE.

- CHIBBY CHIBBY CHIBBY.
- ( cat howls )

MR. HUMPHRIES,
LEAVE MY PUSSY ALONE.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪