Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 6, Episode 1 - By Appointment - full transcript

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationery, and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware, and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Do you need a hand to
hold someone what loves you.

♫ You need hands as you go on your

What are you doing Mr. Harmon?

It's the new unisex
display model made in Japan.

Do you like that?



It's a fella.

Like that, it's a bird.

It looks a bit odd.

You're right.

I got me Rachel Welsh
mixed up with me Twiggies.

You are awful.

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

Good morning.

Good morning, everybody.

Everybody's
not here Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace is stopping at every floor

to welcome people back
from their holidays.

Did you and your
secretary have a nice time

on your yacht, Mr. Grace?



No, it was all up and down, up and down.

It was ridiculous.

Rough weather?

Well, it wouldn't likely
be anything else, would it?

With his money, and my body.

I think I'd rather have his money.

Morning, Mr. Harmon.

Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Did you and Mrs. Rumbold
have a nice holiday?

Yes, thank you.

We went to the Coconut Islands.

What's happened to your head?

I got hit by a coconut.

Get this model off the floor
until its dressed, Mr. Harmon.

The customers will be
coming in before long.

Come on, girl.

♫ Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise

Come on, girl.

Captain Peacock, you're all
cutting it rather fine today.

What's this?

It's from your doctor.

This is to certify that
S. Peacock is suffering

from a throat condition acquired

during a yodeling holiday in Switzerland.

I have prescribed for him Larynguex pills,

a gargle, and Nodule Gone throat spry.

Although fit for work,
he should use his voice

as little as possible.

Dear me, wont' the customers
think it rather strange

if you don't speak to them?

They'd find it even more strange

if I do speak to them.

I'm sorry, Peacock.

You must admit it's an
extraordinary effect.

If I use this throat spray,
it temporarily cures it.

What happened to your head?

Coconut fell on it.

I'm sorry, sir.

That's very funny.

When does he think you'll be better?

In about a week, sir.

Unhappily, there are one or
two unfortunate side effects.

Like that.

Never mind, I'll get it.

I'm sorry.

We'll send out for some more.

How long does this stuff last?

Not very long.

Good heavens, what's
happened to your hair?

My what?

Your hair on your head?

What's the matter with your voice?

I spent my holiday taking elocution

and deportment lessons.

Good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Morning, Miss Brahms.

I must say it's a
remarkable transformation.

Yes, I had my voice
on one of their tapes,

and I must say I didn't
half sound dead common.

What on Earth is the
matter with you, Mr. Lucas?

I burnt me feet in Skegness.

In Skegness?

There was this female acrobat, you see,

and she took me back to her flat.

She was just showing my how to juggle

with a couple of grapefruit and a cucumber

standing on me head
when her father came in.

What's this got to do with burnt feet?

Well, he's a fire eater on the pier.

He took one swig of
paraffin from his zip flask,

flicked his Ronson, breathed out,

and it was Towering Inferno
with me going head first

down the fire escape.

If he hadn't been short of
breath coming up the stairs,

I wouldn't be able to sit down either.

It's a pity he didn't singe your hair.

It looks dreadful.

Yes, I'll get it cut
right away, Mr. Rumbold.

No, you will not, Mr. Lucas.

You will do it in your coffee break.

I trust you're not
catching a cold, Mr. Lucas.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

It's very unhealthy
putting your trousers on

after they've been slung
off the end of a jetty.

I've never seen such a whopping conch.

Before anybody else
makes any funny cracks,

this is a plastic cover.

My nose caught a touch of the sun

on the Costa Blanca.

And, this here contains soothing ointment

which must be kept on as long as possible.

I wouldn't take it off Mrs. Slocombe.

It balances the rest of your face.

When I want advice from
you, I'll ask for it, Samson.

Apart from the nose, I trust you had

an enjoyable holiday.

I did not.

You know the reputation
these Spaniards have

for bottom pinching and
jumping on defenseless ladies

at night on the beach.

Was it all true?

No, none of it.

As you can see, I've come
straight from the airport.

And, you are very nearly
late, Mr. Humphries.

You're lucky to have me here at all.

I had a customs officer
that was working to rule.

"What are you looking for," I said.

"We're on the trail of
an international gang

of rhinoceros horn smugglers," he said.

"Well, I'm not hiding one
where you're looking," I said.

Me hold all isn't big enough.

Anyway, I've only been to Guernsey.

You can't serve customers
dressed like that.

I'm surprised they let him into Guernsey

dressed like that.

Don't worry, I've got
me other clothes in here.

In a couple of ticks, I shall be back

to my normal self, or as near as I can be.

Captain Peacock, how nice to see you.

Did you have a pleasant holiday?

Yes, very nice, thank you.

If you're gonna take the
mickey, I'm sorry I asked.

Don't go, Mr. Humpries.

I have a small announcement to make.

Excuse me, Mr. Rumbold.

Before you start spouting,
I've got Captain Peacock

throat spray from the chemist counter.

Thank goodness for that.

He got a throat infection
during a yodeling holiday.

Has that made it alright?

Yes, thank you, sir, for the time being.

I caught it doing the
Alpine Horn competition.

Unfortunately, my team were
all using the same horn,

and I was in last, and in the excitement,

I forgot to wipe the end.

That can happen when you're in a hurry.

As I was saying I have a
small announcement to make.

Mr. Humpries, Mr. Lucas.

- Now, as you know, Mr.
Tebbs is taking over

as head of the Gentlemen's Department.

And, I must say that Mr.
Humpries was considered

for the position, but the board felt

that he was too young.

I'm disappointed but flattered.

Mr. Tebbs, are you there?

I'm here, Mr. Rumbold,
waiting and eager.

This is Mr. Tebbs.

Morning.

Morning!

I expect he's known to most of you.

10 years in bathroom
bittings, three in footwear,

almost entirely responsible
for modernizing greeting cards

and novelties, and finally,
four years in bedding.

You've left out soft furnishings.

Have I?

Yes, that would be between
bathroom fittings and footwear.

How long were you there?

18 months.

Mr. Tebbs was also 18
months in soft furnishings.

Yes, I resigned when
they introduced bean bags.

Quite right.

Yes well, with a record like that

I'm sure we're all honored
to have him with us.

Now, this is Mr. Humphries
your senior assistant.

I'm sure if there's
anything you can't find,

he will find it for you.

And, if Mr. Humphries can't find it,

it won't be worth looking for.

That's Mr. Lucas.

Now, Mrs. Slocombe, I
expect you already know.

We have not actually met,
but do move to each other.

Move.

When we see each other
across the store, we move.

I always thought he had a stiff neck.

This is Miss Brahms, Ladies' Junior.

Delighted to make your
acquaintance, I'm sure.

Ta, Captain Peacock,
of course, I know of old.

He's quite a legend at Grace Brothers.

Very nice to have you
on our floor Percival.

Thank you, Stephen.

They're as thick as thieves already.

There's the bell.

Places everybody.

And, good luck, Mr. Tebbs.

Thank you.

This way, Mr. Tebbs.

I'm sure you'll find
everything runs quite smoothly.

If there are any little
changes you'd like to make,

don't hesitate to say so.

May I present you with a new tape.

Thank you.

I usually work at this
end and young Mr. Lucas

looks after that end.

Oh no.

Oh no!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, I'm afraid that won't do at all.

I will work at that end,
and Mr. Lucas can work

on this side of you.

There, that's much better.

You see it's only a little
detail but very important.

We must look after the little things.

Big things take care of themselves.

Isn't that the way of the world?

Your nose is all swelled, Mrs. Slocombe.

Well, I bust the blister
on a sangria goblet.

There's a customer.

You deal with her while I make repairs.

Good morning.

Good morning, madam.

I'm looking for a suit
to wear mainly for town.

Oh yes, we have a
frightfully nice one in brown

for round and about 40 pounds.

How dare you try to imitate me?

You checky little bounder!

Miss Brahms, I think you'd better drop

the posh accent during working hours.

Well, how did she know
I weren't one of her?

Because the quality
don't wear their bosoms

hitched up round their ear holes.

Well, in that case, you should be top

of next year's honors list.

Get a brush and sweep
out the fitting rooms.

They're very mucky.

And, it's the last time
I discuss my blister

with you on a friendly level!

- That's much better, Mr.
Humphries, quite dapper.

Did you get that suit of the peg?

Well, yes and no.

My mother shortened the
sleaves, and I got a friend

who's a wizard with gussets.

Quite a contrast to Mr. Lucas.

That handkerchief is
not up to my standard.

Does the boy know how to flute?

Well, he has been shown, Mr. Tebbs,

but he's very forgetful.

Let us all do it together please.

Handkerchiefs on the counter.

Grasp the center with a
forefinger and thumb, lift,

prepare to flute.

Flute.

Mr. Humpries, I think you'll find

a little starch in the
water will put that right.

It's nice to know there's a cure.

Now, bend, reverse, insert, and flare.

Now, that's how I want to see
them every morning just so.

You know, I, once, actually sold

seven simulated antique
solid flush toilet suites

in one day.

They still talk about
it in bathroom fittings.

I had no idea it was
so exciting down there,

did you, Mr. Humpries?

I think it's the way Mr. Tebbs tells it.

I'm glad you're all here.

I've just come from the board room

where I was attending a
very important meeting.

Yes, we thought there was something up,

so we had your toad in the hole

put back in the oven.

I know you've probably all read

that there's to be a royal
visit to the borough.

Now, it appears that they're planning

a walkabout on Thayer Street.

Now, this will take the
royal party right passed

Grace Brothers main entrance.

No?

What an honor.

Just think of it, they'll be
walking passed our entrance.

I can just imagine it, can't you?

There they are walking down the street

when, suddenly, the queen nudges Philip.

"Do you know where we are," she says.

"No," he says, "Surprise me."

This is Grace Brothers Department Store

where rumor has it one man sold
seven lavatories in one day.

I oughta pop in and give
him the award for industry.

I find these young people
with their communist attitudes

very tiresome.

Well, Mr. Lucas may well joke,

but if the schedule
permits, the royal party

may very well come into Grace Brothers

for a little informal shopping.

Oh, the queen in our store!

Of course, we have
had a queen here before.

What is it are you actually
suggesting, Captain Peacock?

Queen Mary accompanied
King George the Fifth

as part of the jubilee celebrations.

Did he buy anything?

His majesty did express interest

in homburg, and naturally,
it was given to him.

What without paying?

It's protocol Miss Brahms.

If they express interest in something,

it is automatically given to them.

They might have Charles with them.

He might express an
interest in Miss Brahams,

and we'll have to send her up Sandringham.

I have read that royals
have married commoners before.

Commoners, Miss Brahms, but
not dead common commoners.

You're being right rotten to me today.

Well, you was very
rude concerning my bust,

and I'm very sensitive about it.

It's a very ticklish
subject, isn't it, Mrs?

You're a very naughty boy.

Do you think that the royal party

might actually come into our department?

Well, our orders are to be prepared.

You see, so young Mr. Grace
wants us to be acquainted

with the correct procedure.

I, therefore, have to ask
you all if you will volunteer

to come in after hours.

Speaking for the ladies,
it will be an honor,

and I am unanimous in that.

I agree entirely.

And, speaking on behalf of the men,

we are ready and willing.

That just leaves you, Mr. Humpries.

Mrs. Slocombe's right,
you are a naughty boy.

Mr. Tebbs?

Yes.

Has your department rehearsed
what you intend to do?

Well, I hear that our Mr. Humphries

has a rare talent in these matters,

so I rather left everything to him.

Mr. Humphries.

Yes.

Young Mr. Grace will
bring the royal couple up

in the royal lift, and I
thought it's be rather nice

when they arrive at the
department, if we give them

a polite and loyal round of applause.

Like this.

Oh yes, charming.

I like what I'm hearing.

Oh good.

No, don't answer that.

That's the signal they're on their way up.

Mrs. Slocombe and Captain
Peacock have consented

to stand in for the royal couple.

Places everybody.

Your royal highnesses.

Hang on a minute, your royal highnesses.

Hang on.

No, stop, no!

Mr. Harmon, this red
carpet will have to be

at the bottom of the stairs.

Alright, if you say so.

Are you mad?
If that had been the real thing,

you'd be in the Tower of London.

Just leave it where it is for now.

You can't come up in
the same lift as them.

Oh I see, I'm rubbish isn't I?

Let me tell you it's people like me

that stand and cheer and wave flags

as they go passed in their coach.

You're not in the coach
with them though, are you?

Right, we'll carry on.

Now then, start again.

There you are, you see,

they don't even know about the lift.

Right now, Mr. Grace has
gone off with the queen.

I'm sorry your majesty, my elbow

must've caught the button.

Well, accidents will happen.

Better if we started
again inside the lift.

Yes, but hurray up.

All of you, standby for the applause.

Are the royal couple ready?

Oh, get on with it.

Right this way, your royal highnesses.

Forget the sword!

Just undo the belt.

Hang on.

That's not quite the
effect we were looking for.

He's wearing Grace Brothers wide fronts.

To the tight luster by appointment.

Shall we start again?

No, carry on.

I should like to introduce
you to the gentlemen

of the Gentlemen's Department.

Mr. Grace, you can't
do it from up there.

Well, someone will
have to get me down then.

Come on.

Mrs. Slocombe, the queen
doesn't dash upstairs

to bring Mr. Grace down.

Come and stand next to
your prince consort.

Mr. Rumbold will you help him?

By the time he gets down,
they'll be back at the palace.

Look, wouldn't it be better
if you stayed in your office,

and we could tell you all
about it when it was over?

No, I'm going to be here.

Get me a chair.

Mr. Grace, you cannot
sit down in the presence

of the monarch.

It's either that or fall down.

It's quite alright.

We understand.

Here you are, Mr. Grace.

Now, say your words.

What were they?

Well, you wrote them down.

Oh yes, so I did.

I wonder what I did with them.

There we are.

No, that's your gas bill.

Fifi La Feme, ring top bell and go

straight up to the third floor.

No wonder you couldn't
get down those stairs.

I haven't got me reading glasses.

After me.

It gives me great pleasure.

To welcome you.

To Grace Brothers Gents.

Department.

How come she's being
introduced to the gents first?

Yes, I was wondering that?

Yes, supposing she wants
to go to the ladies first?

Well, we'll just have
to hang around for a bit.

Now, we'll take it from
where the royal couple

approach the Gents Department.

Hang on, let me get to my position.

Right, go.

Stop, wait.

Men's wear.

Oh hello, mother.

No love, no, I can't talk
now 'cause I'm rehearsing

for the queen's visit.

No, not to your place, dear.

No here, at Grace Brothers.

Grace Brothers where I work.

The vicar's with you?

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Well, I can't help it if
his church roof's leaking.

Look, I'll tell you what under my mattress

there's an old football
sock full of pound notes.

No, don't give him the money.

Give him the sock.

Tell him to ball it up
and bung it in the roof

at the church and pray for a drought.

I'm sorry about that.

Now, where were me?

My husband and I was about to approach

the Gentlemen's Department,
and could you please

get a move on?

These shoes are playing
havoc with my bunion.

Carry on.

Mr. Lucas, you're going too far.

All you've got to do is bow.

Your majesty, it is a great privilege

and an honor for a humble
store such as ours.

Mr. Rumbold, you can't
bow with that plaster

on your head.

It's macabre.

But, I have to make some
sort of gesture of respect.

If you're going to bow,
we'll have to cover it up.

Excuse me.

Here.

Control yourself, my dear.

Carry on.

Follow me.

Now, let's be serious.

This is a moment you're going to remember

for the rest of your lives.

Start from the foot of
the stairs, go back a bit.

Mr. Grace?

Mr. Grace?

The Queen's here.

Bloody hell.

Just a minute, let me get into position.

Right, Mr. Grace now, do your speech.

Something, something, something.

Something, something.

Something.

Your majesty, it's a
great honor and a privilege.

I won't have it.

I won't have it!

You must do it properly!

Mrs. Slocombe, now, you're the queen,

and you're him, so let's
have a bit of royal decorum.

Now come on, to the top
of the stairs again.

Lovely.

Now then, dignity, a disdainful smile,

chest out, not you Mrs. Slocombe.

Glide, glide.

I don't want to interrupt,
but I'm locking the store.

You've got 30 seconds to get out.

The royal party is
already in the borough.

You ladies from display
should've finished by now.

How do you like the outfit, sir?

Grace Brothers traditional lift outfit.

Unfortunately, the people
what used to wear it

was traditionally smaller.

I don't think the royal party

want to see your combinations, Mr. Harmon.

Haven't you got any longer socks?

No, Mr. Rumbold.

But, if it pleases you, I'll go over them

with black aerosol.

You look very smart, Captain Peacock.

Thank you, sir.

I hope the queen don't
mind the smell of moth balls.

Where is everybody?

We're free.

And, ready for inspection.

Very nice Percival.

And, oh God.

Mr. Humphries, is it necessary
for you to stand like that?

Like what, Captain Peacock?

Like that.

Yes, it is.

Why, Mr. Humphries?

'Cause I've got a big
moth hole just there.

How it got through all those balls,

I shall never know.

Probably, bat moth.

So, it is necessary for
me to stand like this.

Mr. Humphries, won't you find that

a bit of a strain?

Funnily enough, it feels quite natural.

Ladies, are you ready?

Oh, Miss Brahms, that's
quite eye catching.

Where's Mrs. Slocombe?

Oh, she's just fixing her cornet.

Me Coronet!

Captain Peacock, I hope
you don't mind the sash.

Only, I didn't want to be
confused with my junior.

Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe,
there's no danger of that.

How near are they?

It's from the BBC.

I got me tranny here.

I'll plug it in, hang on.

Blimey no.

Well, I never.

Don't that make you feel proud.

What's happening?

Pardon?

What's happening?

The queen has never looked more radiant.

She's gracefully attired
in a pink floral chiffon

with hat made of large, bold
swirls of a similar material.

Oh, and a simple row of pearls,

and a rock on her finger
worth four million quid.

Where are they now?

Just passed the bus stop.

Hang on, Prince Phillip's paused.

He's shaking hands with an Arab.

They're looking in the
window of Lallian Willets.

I hope they're not
going to that cheap store.

Why not, they've got a
special offer on lawn mowers.

Let's all go to my office.

We shall be able to see them
from there from the window.

Oh, this is exciting.

Oh, there she is.

Hello!

Oh, Miss Brahms, control yourself.

The swells on her hat
are bold, aren't they?

Why does the prince
always have his hands

clasped behind his back?

Well perhaps, he's
got a moth hole as well.

Isn't that charming?

Look, that little girl
is giving her a bouquet.

And now, the queen
has given it to Philip.

Philip's handed it to the mayor.

The mayor's given it to an alderman.

He's given it to a policeman on a horse.

And, the policeman's
given it to the horse.

I think the horse is
enjoying it more than anybody.

Let's have the commentary.

And,
on this lovely, sunny day,

the royal party pours, once
again, in the high street,

to shake hands with the crowd.

And, then giving a cheery
wave, and led by the queen

they cross the road heading
towards the entrance

of Grace Brothers Department Store.

I wonder if they'll go inside.

They're gonna come in.

I know it!

They're gonna come in!

In a couple of minutes, we
could all be shaking hands.

Mine are shaking already.

The moment they come
in, back to your posts.

The
royal party are pausing

at the entrance of Grace Brothers.

There seems to be a
whispered conversation.

They're probably wondering
whether they should

go in or not.

Prince Philip is nodding.

Look out!

Missed him by an inch.

There's
obviously been a change of plan.

The royal party are running to the car.

They're in the car, and the police

are clearing the way through the crowd.

And, the car accelerates
into the distance.

And, they're gone leaving behind

the happy, waving, cheering bystanders.

♫ Ground floor perfumeries,
stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets,
travel goods, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing
restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up